Paula's Place

Paula's Place

Saturday, 31 December 2011

Resolutions

This is the time of year when we start to look forward to the coming year, to make decisions on how we want to improve ourselves, or at least our lot in live.   We make "New Year Resolutions" I often wonder if we call them that because they don't last beyond the new year.   My experience has been that very few people manage to keep to any of these new year's resolutions, I suspect because they are usually to ambitious.   One year a brother decided to give up all recreational drugs for a year, he still doesn't smoke, but does now have the occasional drink, he is the only person I know who has successfully managed to give up smoking on the 1st January.
It may be that we see this as a good opportunity to admit too and then to rid ourselves of aspects of our lives or behaviours that we don't want, a new year a new chapter - that sort of thing.   There was a time when one of my new year resolutions would have bee to stop dressing, I now know that that isn't going to happen, so what are my resolutions or aspirations?
  1. To post frequently and regularly to this blog.
  2. To regularly have 100 plus reader a day.
  3. To go out dressed more often.
  4. Do a stand up routine as Paula.
  5. To take more photos to share with my readers.
And now the biggy - to come out to at least three long standing friends.

I love my outings as Paula, but they are so often solitary, I want to be able to share this aspect of my life with others who are an important part of my life, to enjoy social time, in the real world with friends.   I don't know how much of this will be in my control, but at the very least I shall treat these few aspirations seriously.

Friday, 30 December 2011

Gifts

For many the point of Christmas seems to be the giving and receiving of gifts,   I would say that this is more an illustration of the pint of Christmas, however I would be disappointed not to be given any presents.
As usual click to enlarge
On this occasion I can say that I did a lot better than these two.   Nothing spectacular but I did get presents from my Wife and Daughter, who both managed to get me presents I really wanted, this makes me happy.   In case my last couple of posts seemed a bit down beat I just wanted to say that Paula is a happy bunny (now there's an idea for a costume)  

I actually wrote most of this post before the one I put up yesterday, and I spent some time musing on bunny costumes, when I remembered the picture of Stana of Femulate fame in her home made Bunny Costume from Halloween 2004.   I can't think of an occasion I would have to wear anything like that, or that I would have the nerve to wear it if I had the chance, but I do have to say that Stana looks very fine.   If you do not read Femulate can I suggest that you get over there and start.

Thursday, 29 December 2011

On my mind

Stana Halloween 2004
There are a number of things on my mind at the moment, as I may have hinted yesterday family comes first, and last but in between there are quite a other few things, like.
  • Have we got too many Grand prix scheduled for 2012?
  • Who is going to be selected for the England Rugby squad?
  • Will the cat carry on getting better?
  • How am I going to find time to do more tuba practise?
  • How am I going to fix that chain saw?
For some reasons things that aren't on my mind
  • When will Paula get out next
  • Are the heels on my boots too high to wear with that grey dress during the daytime?
  • Shall I wear male or femae underwear today?
and until I wrote tomorrow's post I had absolutely no thoughts whatsoever about Bunny costumes.

    Like I Said

    She's gone

    It's a strange time Chez G at the moment, post Christmas blues and all sorts of things are happening, I am having my first holiday of the year, my wife is poorly, we had to visit the local A & E today, and it looks like there will be urgent surgery in the next week or so.   Daughter is out with boyfriend more often than at home, when at home she is mostly in her bedroom.   Money has just run out and there is a tax bill to pay next month.   But none of that is the point of this blog, or this post.

    Gloria earlier this year - somewhere in France
    Next month the Low Emission Zone in London is extended to include small vans, this means that every time Gloria hits the streets of London it would cost me £100   Since this would simply not be viable reluctantly I had to act.   I have sold Gloria and bought a new(er) van.   To say there will never be another Gloria is a bit glib, but I am determined that I shall not be naming her successor.   It seems to me that as soon as you name something you imagine it develops character, then parting becomes morning.  
    Jade - still missed
    I have a bit of a thing for old cars, well actually I can be much more specific I have a bit of thing for Rootes Group cars of the 1960's especially Singers.   I have had a few now but the ones I miss are the ones that had names.   I know I will miss Gloria, just as I miss Jade, and Petal, and Minnie, and George..... as you will understand none of these are people.  

    People are much more important that's why I am much more concerned about my wife's health, and quite happy about my daughter upstairs in her bedroom, practising on her new Ukulele.   Also why just at the moment the last thing on my mind is how I am dressed

    Wednesday, 28 December 2011

    Naughty Knickers

    Further to my post on lingerie the other day, a quick inventory tells me that I have far too many knickers of an inappropriate nature.   Of course some would say that having any at all is inappropriate, but I think we have already passed that stage on this blog, no what I have in mind are the type of underwear that is designed to be taken off, or pushed to one side, rather than to be worn on a trip to Tesco.   Bridget Jones had the conundrum of comfort verses appearance on the underwear front when dating, I am thinking more in terms of comfort and practicality against fantasy.

    Yes there are some items in my knicker draw than could only make an appearance in a male fantasy, and then they would not be worn by somebody looking like me.   I must have bought these with some strange ideas in mind, in my heart I know that this is not what any sane normal woman wears, these are items sold to men to give to women in the hope of satisfying some fantasies.   The women then get fed up with the useless uncomfortable things (the panties not the men - although......) which they will never wear given a choice.
    Inappropriate "Boy Shorts"

    So, I am going to have a cull, lets face it no lady past a certain age should wear a thong, since I am past a certain age they will have to go.   So called "boy shorts" are simply not practical for boys, the cut of this style, while very alluring on the right young ladies, just does not have the correct capacity to contain a gurl like me, so they can go as well.

    This does not mean that I am going to limit myself to big pants and really, really boring underwear, I can still keep my matching animal print panties and bra set, it's OK to have stockings and suspenders, satin and lace is fine, fun is allowed, all I am going to exclude are the same items that any lady my age would.   If what I am doing is about getting in touch with my feminine side, expressing my female nature through presenting in a female manner, if what I am doing is not about sex, then there can be no place in my wardrobe, my knicker drawer or indeed anywhere else for items that verge on the margins of fetish.

    Now edited for spelling and grammar

    Tuesday, 27 December 2011

    A mixed bag

    Yesterday, (Friday) Paula had the day to herself, with just a few errands that had to be run, and a bit of work to do on the computer.   As usual it took me longer than anticipated to get ready, and in the end I was not totally happy with my appearance, but decided that I had spent so long getting ready I was not going to change or re-do my make up so I would have to do.

    As soon as I was on my own I had painted my finger nails to match my toes (bright cherry red, very seasonal) and they looked good, after that my undies, then makeup and finally my grey "Prince of Wales" check dress.   I would have preferred a longer dress but interestingly all my longer dresses are summer weight, while most of my heavier or lined dresses are shorter.   I also decided to wear my new tights that I went to so much effort to buy from Lidl, unfortunately on me they did not look nearly as nice as the picture ( http://paula-paulasplace.blogspot.com/2011/12/its-getting-cold.html ), I had expected the pattern to be much more square and larger than it actually was, anyway by this time I felt I had wasted enough time, so as an acknowledgement of the weather I put on my coat and boots, and promptly put a ladder in my tights.   As the ladder was quite low down it was covered by the boots so I decided to ignore it.

    My first two errands were to deliver business Christmas cards and diaries to a couple of Local Authority customers, I knew I could just drop these off at the front desk and get away, but there was always a risk of being seen and recognised - but I was not overly worried.   the only trouble I hit was with traffic, the people I saw at the front desks of both Councils were charming.   Next came the bank, here I had quite a pleasant little chat with the (male) cashier explaining about my business name, what the initials stand for, how I had selected the name and what the business does.   They didn' have many customers so it was nice to spend a little time just chatting.

    After this I allowed myself the luxury of completing my Christmas shopping, I picked up some books for my Mother and a lovely Liberty Print silk scarf for my Wife, then I needed a coffee and a sit down.   I don't think I have been into the Nero's in West Wickham before but again the staff were so nice that I shall be returning, this then just left the final assault on Tescos.   I knew that if I went to my local store there was a good chance of running into a neighbour or friend from Church, so went to a store a little out of town, this is bigger than my local one, but didn't seem to have as good a selection of wine (my main purchases).   Here I did feel a little obvious, there I was wearing quite a short dress, knee boots with very high heels (altogether they make me about 6'2") I was over dressed, over height and over loaded.   I was thank full to get out, but still enjoyed the experience a lot more than I would have in drab!

    Knowing that I still had a couple of hours free time I made my way homewards, but stopped off at what is fast becoming a regular watering hole, the Grape & Grain.   Here I enjoyed a glass of wine on my own while having a 45 minute 'phone conversation with one of my customers.   It was as I took off my overcoat and sat down on the comfy sofa here that I realised that the ladder in my tights had now run nearly the whole way up my leg.   In all I was disappointed in my tights, enjoyed my day out enormously, but glad to take off my boots and put on some slippers.

    This morning (Saturday - Christmas eve) I have cleaned the polish off my toes nails, and cut my finger nails to a more conventional male length and shape.   Each time I do this I morn a little, but I shall be fully male in my dress now for the rest of the year.

    Monday, 26 December 2011

    Lingering Longingly over Lingerie

    The title of this post comes from a comment on BBC Radio 4's World at One news program yesterday (Friday) as they were discussing Christmas shopping.   This made me wonder about who buys lingerie and why.   We often talk on cross dressing blogs and fora about the potential embarrassment of buying lingerie for ourselves, but thinking about it I suspect that most lingerie is bought buy men, for themselves.   Maybe not to wear themselves but for their own pleasure.   And the lingerie bought by women, well I suspect that that is primarily for the pleasure of men as well.

    What I think I'm getting at here is that when I look in my Wife's knicker drawer, her underwear is practical and comfortable, not frilly and thrilly.   I suspect that is also the case with the vast majority of mature ladies.
    Christmas Lingerie for Men
    When I started cross dressing any undies I could get my hands on would do, then as I got a little older, with my own income and space I would indulge myself with "exotic" but highly impractical lingerie.   Now I am more mature, go out dressed regularly, and stay that way as long as possible (three days is my current record see France) I find that the contents of my knicker are growing closer to my wife's.   More and more I will favour comfortable cotton rather than skimpy and lacy, warmth over feeling trussed up.   Don't get me wrong I still want to look and feel glamorous, I still want to be elegant, I just don't want to be reminded of what's underpinning the presentation, I want to be able to forget my undies, relax and enjoy my outings.

    Well this ended up being a bit heavier than I expected, I only expected to be writing about men buying naughty knickers for their wives and girlfriends.

    Sunday, 25 December 2011

    Happy christmas

    If you are reading this on Christmas day I have two things to say, the first is happy Christmas, the second is why? if you are at work, as so many people have to just to keep us safe and our countries working, why not drop me a line to let me know what you are doing.

    I shall be at Church this morning, playing carols and enjoying the Vicar playing with the children's presents.   After that we have the Mother in Law coming to lunch so we will be an all female party apart from me and the cats - and lets face none of us three can really be considered all male!   At least in my case unlike the cats there has been no surgery involved.

    Saturday, 24 December 2011

    Small things

    Just a small thing
    Yesterday (Thursday) I had to go out and visit a friend who has a job she would like me to do, as I knew that this would turn into an extended chat over the kitchen table I did not dress for work, as I also know she is quite liberal minded I dressed in all fem garments while still presenting as basically male.   This means sheer black tights (pantyhose), jeans black polo neck, and denim jacket, under this I wore panties and a satin slip, everything was designed to be worn by women, even my Hush Puppy loafers.    The small thing on this occasion was my watch this too was made to be worn by a lady and was perhaps the most obvious feminine item, it is these small things that give me joy.   I find now that I am so comfortable dressed this way that it sometimes feels odd to be wearing proper male attire.   If it were not for the family I think I would be very tempted to dress a lot more fem a lot more of the time.
    I have received a few compliments on my appearance when I do dress this way, I think much of this is that I am comfortable, but there is also a factor that women's clothes are just generally a little better cut, a better fit and designed for appearance as well as comfort.   I find that men's wear is often baggy and lose, where the female alternative is designed to fit.

    I think I mentioned that the other day I was a bit down so painted my toe nails, every time I see my feet, naked or through hose, I smile, I now have the same colour on my finger nails, a bright cherry red, as I will be going out soon.   I am unexpectedly free today so will be going to the bank, dropping some letters off and looking for a present for my Mum, so I decided that Paula could a have her last outing of the year.

    As this will be the last for a while I am determined to enjoy, I will report any adventures.

    And God Bless Us Everyone

    Today is Christmas Eve like everyone else in the world that means lots going on, so first off I would like to wish of you my loyal readers a very merry Christmas.   I shall be running about quite a lot over the next week or so visiting relatives and friends, entertaining and being entertained, probably eating and drinking too much and staying longer in bed than usual - ahh it's a hard life.

    All this means that I will not be posting as much or as regularly, but I have some Blue Peter posts (as in "Here's one I prepared earlier"), some of these may be out of sequence, or appear pretty random, I have tried to remember to note when I wrote them, but may have missed a couple.

    Friday, 23 December 2011

    Sometimes it just doesn't work

    I see that Meg of "You Can Call Me Meg" fame has been pushing the envelope of what to wear when, incorporating more and more fem attire into the daily life of him.    As so often happens I find that what I read on other people's blogs echoes my own experiences.   Recently I too have been pushing that envelope.   I find that I am more frequently wearing sheer hose under my jeans (ladies of course) my ladies polo neck jumpers, a few times a quick inventory has told me that in fact I may look as though I am in drab, but in fact I am not wearing a single item of male attire.
    Yes these shoes
    Well today (Wednesday) I had a little trip to Worthing to deliver Gloria to her new owner. Often (well mostly actually) when I have a trip I will "travel pretty" however as I would be coming home by train I was limited.   My outfit consisted of my M & S Ladies jeans over sheer black tights, these shoes, my black polo neck and a dark blue wool double breasted over jacket (not sure if that is a proper term, but it describes perfectly this lovely heavy wool coat that is just a little shorter than finger tip length)
    I felt good, earlier I had been a bit down so to cheer myself up I had painted my toe nails bright red, this just totally showed through my tights, something which I just love.  

    However on the train home I had the compartment to myself for a while so I decided to put on some eye makeup, lip gloss and ear rings, for some reason this was not at all satisfying.   I'm not sure why this should be, while just wearing the clothes I was in "stealth" mode but as soon as I put on a little make up and jewelry I was presenting, but I'm not sure what I was presenting, obviously a man but with some ladies jewelry and make up, maybe I was presenting as a "camp" man rather than as a manly woman and that is why it was not satisfying.   I know that if I had been able to put on a bra and forms, along with full makeup I would have felt good, and probably attracted less attention - well any way I would have felt as though I attracted less attention, in all probability no one else was in the least interested in what I was wearing.

    Thursday, 22 December 2011

    Irreparable Damage

    Lots of cartoons at the moment, not least out of laziness on my part.   Partly because I am extraordinarily busy, and that means very little time to dress, think about dressing or writing about dressing.  
    Click to enlarge
    This did strike me this morning, who knows what effects random comments might have, for some the costs might be a bit more than a video game.   It also puts me a little in mind of a picture of Stana on Santa's lap, pop over to Femulate and take a look.

    Wednesday, 21 December 2011

    Shopping

    As I start to write this post (Monday evening), I still have some of my Christmas shopping to do.   I have very little to do, anyway as I only plan on presents for my Wife, Daughter and Mother.   I have something for my daughter and something for my wife, but would like another couple of things, for my Mother I have nothing,   If I were Christmas shopping for Paula, I would get silk stockings, lacy lingerie, maybe some new sparklies, but the other ladies in my life have more prosaic tastes.sparkler's

    Somehow I shall have to set aside some time to browse the department stores and just see what I can find, maybe a scarf for Mum, some spraklies for wife and chocs for Daughter - see I've no imagination at all.   No one will be buying Paula a present so there won't be any, unless she buys herself one.

    By the by, I did pop into the Grape and Grain with a couple of friends last night, like everything else we fear, no one noticed or recognised me

    Tuesday, 20 December 2011

    And She gets paid

    I know that you all already know that I love 9 Chickweed Lane, but this current story line has all sorts of lingerie interest...I will admit that I am looking forward to some of the drawings we ought to get after this.

    If you don't already follow Chickweed lane, why not? you can't rely on me to show you all the good ones!

    Monday, 19 December 2011

    Another visit to the Pub

    Tonight I shall be going to the Pub, nothing special in that, but I shall be going to the Grape & Grain, in drab, with friends.   I have been here in both modes, but it will be interesting to see if any of the staff or other customers recognise me as Paula.

    That is interesting as in the ancient Chinese curse "may you live in interesting times"

    In the mean time I am pretty busy and it doesn't look as though i will have another chance to go out as Paula this year, I may get a chance to sort through my knicker draw and maybe sort out my hosiery - I have far too much - and turn out some of the less suitable items, we'll have to see how my wife's and daughter's schedules fit in with mine.

    Sunday, 18 December 2011

    As I Said

    As I said there was something else I wanted to do while I was at the Crystal Palace.   Twice Paula has been to the Grape & Grain and found it to be  pretty friendly pub.    I know the beer, wine and welcome are generally good, but it was nice to find that Paula was as or more welcome as him.

    The previous time I was in I had quite a conversation with the landlady, about the book I was reading and the local library.   I have now finished the book and don't expect to want to re read it so I thought I would pass it on.   After having my hair cut I popped into the Grape, ordered myself a coffee, and was preparing to settle down, when the land lady came up to me, she remembered my name, and was bowled over that I had remembered her interest in what I was reading, and then passed the book on to her.   It is nice that I feel valued and safe as Paula here, that they remember and accept me, and treat me as a valued customer.   I see they have a book club, I might see if I can get along to that a few times, it would be nice for Paula to interact with civilians who do not have an economic interest in being nice to her.

    The two previous times I had been here were fairly late and I had been dressed "up to the nines" (where does that expression come from) so it was nice to go in during the day, more conservatively dressed.   I am sure that I was much closer to passing in my day wear, but either way every one treated my well.   Over on her Blog Femulate (if you don't know it why not?) Stana has been mussing on whether it is important to pass, or to just be accepted and has come to the conclusion that acceptance is more important, and maybe passing comes from that, she says;-

    "Now, I am personable to everyone I encounter. I don't wait to see how they react to me.

    I believe that by being personable and outgoing, it surprises people and they react positively whether they read me or not".


    I strongly recommend going over a reading the whole thing

    Saturday, 17 December 2011

    Say them or wear them?

    click to enlarge

    A question of faith

    I have added a page to this blog.   I have mentioned  few times that I am a Christian and a Church member as well as being a cross dresser.   I have had some questions asking how I reconcile these two apparently different aspects of my life.   Rather than write extensively on the blog I thought I would put up a page instead, so if you are interested please read the page, if not stay here for the more frivolous stuff.

    Friday, 16 December 2011

    Best Dressed

    I love those tights
    I see that once again I have been missed out of the Daily Telegraph Best dressed list, I can only console myself with the thought that they have missed off Karen Gillan as well.  
    The gallery they have put together of her in this same section shows how she can do every look with style aplomb. Anyway take a look and see what you think  http://fashion.telegraph.co.uk/   Of course it could just be that I have a bit of a thing for young Karen.   I hear that she will be leaving Doctor Who, I hope that doesn't mean that she will be leaving our screens, Saturday evenings just won't be the same


    Hair Apparent

    I had expected to spend today (Friday) working outdoors, before a quick dash home, grab something to eat, before going out again to an outdoor Carol Service.   As so often happens my expectations were wrong.
    When I woke up it was raining, it was raining hard so the idea of cutting up logs and digging up roots did not appeal, apart from the fact that I would turn the garden I'm working on at the moment into a reenactment of the Somme, quite frankly I find that saws don't really work in the rain anyway.    I had a couple of letters to write and some figures to prepare so I decided to stay at home this morning and get these done.   Well left on my own at home, quite possibly for the last time this year, I could not let the opportunity slip.   I had a good shave put on my underwear and make up, then a Black Polo neck, black slacks over fishnet tights, grey tailored jacket and black court shoes.   I added a nice wide elasticated belt with a big silvered buckle, and a sparkly "Gecko" brooch.
    It was nice to be dressed, and just getting on with some work.   However during a pause I inspected my presentation a bit closer and realised that my own grey hair was showing under my wig.   I have not had it cut since I posted http://paula-paulasplace.blogspot.com/2011/10/hair-today-gone-tomorrow.html back in October so it's hardy surprising that it had got a bit long.   Not being able to get over to Sunbury I popped up to the Crystal Palace to "Way Ahead" I had never been in before but it looked like a nice place and I had something else I wanted to do there while dressed.   Paul cut my hair and managed to do it very well - disproving my theory that men can't cut my hair, previously I have only had good haircuts from women, but that was in barbers not hairdressers.   It did cost a bit more than I would have liked, but the finished result is very nice, and the family approve.
    Paul was quite keen that I should wear my own hair, rather than my wig, also that I should dye it either two tone blond or auburn, I had to explain that this would not be possible with my domestic situation, etc. etc. This confused the poor boy almost as much as trying to find the right pronoun to use, I had to explain that when dressed "like this" my name is Paula and I like to be called Paula or Madame, I hope he remembers as I may well be going back.

    I have to say that once again I was accepted without comment, my reception was friendly, and welcoming and the experience a positive one.   On a side note my wife did notice that I had had my hair cut, she also asked if I had had my eyebrows trimmed - nothing has been done to them since they were threaded a couple of weeks ago, but she noticed now that my hair has been cut!

    Je suis un Rock Star!

    I may have mentioned that I'm a musician - yeh like I may have mentioned I'm a cross dresser! well, anyway the point is that on Monday night I had  rehearsal with one of the London Orchestras I play with. Because of their programme choices this is he first time I have played with them for nearly a year.   During the interval the conductor came over to greet me, and thank me for coming, he then made the rather interesting comment "Wow, you look like a rock star"   I'm still not sure how to take this, Will is quite a bit younger than me so maybe his idea of a rock start is different to mine.

    It may have been a reference to the way I was dressed, my snug fitting ladies jeans, a floral shirt and ladies denim jacket, or it may have been a comment on the length of my hair, or maybe it was that somehow I was showing that I felt confident in how I looked as a presentation of myself.   I like my long hair, although I am overdue a trim, I like the way I look when I wear this denim combination with a nice casual shirt, I am happy with my skin since I have been using a moisturiser.   In fact I think I am a much better looking bloke since I have started to come to terms with being a woman sometimes.

    The next night (Tuesday) we had our Concert in St John's Smith Square, the dress code was DJs so I limited myself to a pair of black sheer tights under my Dorothy Perkins trousers, (matching black panties of course).   I still hope on day to combine my two passions and be able to play a concert as Paula.

    Thursday, 15 December 2011

    The end of the road

    When I left you yesterday I was just about to still on the road, just about to stop at the Starbucks north of Guildford on the A3.   I have stopped here before and it has been reasonably friendly but nothing special.   Well bearing in mind how I was dressed (see yesterday's photo) it is not that surprising that I got a couple of looks as I queued for my coffee.   The chap in front of me certainly gave me a second, and a third glance, I just smiled.   My turn to order arrived and the girl was friendly taking my order for Latte and Carrot Cake, then after the order she asked if I had had a good weekend, and then what I had been doing, we ended up having a short but very pleatant conversation   I'm not sure if this was her being genuinely nice, trying to show up other customers, scoring points by being nice to the weirdo, or perhaps she just liked the way I looked and wanted to know me a bit better.   What ever the reason she was very nice and I enjoyed the chat, indeed she made my day, it cost her nothing but brought me right back on form.
    Well I settled down with my coffee and my book, and I couldn't help noticing that the Guy in the queue in front of me still kept glancing in my direction, so I kept a bit of a watch on him, he never looked at my face - no just my legs.   I may have been a bit naughty and after that showed a little more thigh than was absolutely necessary ( and believe me with that skirt showing quite a bit of thigh is absolutely necessary).   He left before me looking a little flustered, having given me a bit of Innocent amusement, and the rain having almost stopped I made my way homeward.

    Not wanting the Paula time to end I stopped off at the pub I popped into last Sunday evening and wrote about here http://paula-paulasplace.blogspot.com/2011/12/100-today.html this time I as not only accepted as a welcome customer but engaged in conversation by the landlady.   We had quite a chat about the book I am reading, the local library and stuff in general.   When I have finished reading this book I think I will take it up there for her.   I shall definitely be returning to this pub, on a pretty regular basis,   On the face of things it has pretty much everything, a good range of beers and wines, friendly owners, nice decor ad comfortable chairs, and the clincher nice clean well presented loos.   If  I get a chance I might even try out there lunch menu - now who can I get to take me out to lunch?............

    Wednesday, 14 December 2011

    A long drive

    Tonight, Sunday, I came home, but that meant quite a long and unpleasant journey.   I drove from Cardiff back to London in the rain, I left Cardiff in fairly innocuous garb, but decided that since I would be in the car and nobody would be looking at me I would change.   Not very subtle but then that's me, I went for my black leather miniskirt, black satin cap sleeve blouse, leopard print tights and four inch pumps!   Not my usual. sophisticated look at all, but I was just amusing myself, so I thought what the *%$@ and did it anyway.   Anyway the further I got away from Cardiff the worse the weather and the traffic got, solid cars bumper to bumper in all three lanes, often slowing down to 20 mph or stopping altogether.

    The motorway was murder so I pulled off onto A roads this was much better, I may have actually not been getting home any quicker, but at least I was moving.   After a while I found I was busting for a pee, and of course there are no services around, I was getting to the point of thinking about using a layby and just hoping no one was around when a service station came into view.   I just pulled in dashed into the ladies, and  relaxed.    Now most non motorway service have pretty basic rest facilities, this one was an exception, there were three stalls, everything was very clean and fresh, and we had the joy of bird song being played to us.   This is something I have never come across anywhere before, and after the initial surprise I have to say it was quite pleasant.

    After this stop I just got back on the road, no petrol, coffee r anything else.   The weather continued to deteriorate, and it was now raining so hard that I couldn't see to drive faster than about 30 mph.   It was so bad that I decided on another stop.   I was now on the A3 north of Guildford, knowing that there was a Starbucks coming up I pulled in for a coffee.

    Tuesday, 13 December 2011

    Travelling Pretty

    As planned I travelled down to Cardiff en femme, not that anyone is too bothered on the M4 at 7 o'clock on a Saturday morning. not wanting to be too out of the ordinary I opted for my M & S ladies Jeans some nice low heel pumps and a floral blouse.   I did stop a couple of times for a coffee, and then a comfort break.   I was almost disappointed at how little attention I received.   Even when I arrived in Cardiff too early for my Mother and went to do a little shopping no one gave me a second look, or thought as I browsed through Matalan, Lidle and then Sainsbury's.
    I managed to pick up a few things I had been after, a couple of new costume jewelry rings, some eye make up as I had left mine in London, the tights I hadn't been able to get at my local Lidle, and lunch.   As my Mother is not familiar with my usual wardrobe she is quite happy to accept more or less whatever I wear, so I was able to go through the whole weekend wearing all female attire.   This was a great relieve, I keep my nice little chrome ladies watch with a blue leather strap on all the time, and didn't have to worry about wearing my tights under my jeans or the fact that my jumper is a ladies roll neck.   Indeed my mum commented on how nice it was to see me wearing a different colour - lilac.   It's funny He tends to wear a lot of autumnal colours, browns, plum reds etc. yet Paula likes back, grey mauve and lilac.......

    Monday, 12 December 2011

    Back to Friday

    As I said I have been away all weekend, so the last few posts were prepared in advance and put up automatically while I was in or on my way to Cardiff.   Of course in the mean time things have been happening that have not made it into blogland.   So just like my hero the Doctor I am going to go back to Friday........(wibbly wobbly lines across the screen as we go into flashback)

    My afternoon appointment 'phoned to cancel, I was very sorry to hear that this really sweet lady was ill, but it did give me a chance to get out and make a couple of visits I have been planing.   Basically this meant a trip into Streatham.   As the two visits I wanted to make in Streatham were one to my wig supplier and the other to the new trans friendly Boutique that has opened, I thought I would go dressed.   With a nod to the colder weather we are currently enjoying I decided on leggings, a nice mauve hooped tunic and some ankle boots.

    My visit to Mary at Fosters soon sorted out my little technical issue with my hair, she then escorted me to her friends new boutique almost next door - what a joy.

    This new shop is still having a few teething problems but has a great range of clothes, some nice jewelry and the odd glamorous bit of furniture - mirrors, bedside tables, coffins that sort of thing.

    This is also the first retail outlet for Tanya Dawn Hughes the famous, or infamous trans blogger.   I was really pleased that there was nothing of a tacky sexual nature there, certainly some of the stuff was a bit theatrical, but no "naughty knickers", appliances or anything of that sort, so I am quite happy to say pop along have a look and maybe pic up something a bit glamorous.

    Why

    I don' have a dress quite like that, but why do I want someone to react like that to a dress that I wear?


    In order to aoid any, or at least too much analysis and some posibly very confusing conclusions I'm going to stop here

    Sunday, 11 December 2011

    I am really annoyed with my self - I have missed the Degas Exhibition at the Royal Academy.   I had planned to go to this as soon as I heard that it was going to be on.   I have always had a weakness for his Ballet paintings and this exhibition was centred around these, and his whole intent on capturing movement.

    Two Dancers on a Stage
    I have just realised that the exhibition ends on Sunday, I have to work today (Friday I am preparing this in advance) and will be in Cardiff or on the M4 all weekend.   As well as the disappointment at missing this particular exhibition it is also a missed opportunity to go out dressed.   I have found exhibitions to be great places to go when dressed, it can be relatively inexpensive (compared to shopping), and anonymous, everyone at an exhibition is more interested in what they have paid to see than the other people there, having said that I also enjoy looking at the people so maybe I should say no one except me is interested in the other people there.

    A resolution for next year is to go out dressed at least once each and every month, I will try to make these outings coincide with interesting "cultural" occasions - exhibitions, recitals, etc. This should help me to get out more, save a bit of money, and enjoy some interesting new experiences.

    Saturday, 10 December 2011

    Down side

    I am away over the weekend, so have a prepared a couple of posts in advance.   I will let you all now of any adventures I manage to squeeze in while I am away.

    One of the disadvantages of my work is that I am mostly on my own, working in isolation, with only contact from my customers.   I also often find that this is an advantage as well, when I am in one of my "I prefer plants to people" moods then it is definitely an advantage.   The downside is that I don't get to see people, and I like to look at people, well mostly it is about half of the people I like to look at.   On of the joys of working in  office in town is the chance to watch the women.

    I do like to see what they are wearing, how they are behaving interacting with each other.   On my odd occasions when I can get out I really enjoy just sitting in a coffee bar and watching  the world go past.   Of course I end up paying special attention to how ladies are dressed, sometimes I am surprised at how casual women are in their dress, this also suggest that they are casual about their dress.   Without a thought of why they are making their choices, what their clothes are saying about themselves or their occupation.    It was a particular pleasure therefore when spending a little time in town the other day to see a lot of women very smartly dressed.   I know that I am biased but it is a joy to me to see a skirt suit with heels, makeup carefully and subtly applied, in short women who present themselves as well as a cross-dresser tries to.

    Friday, 9 December 2011

    Shopping

    During a break in my working day yesterday I did pop into the Lidl in Sidcup during the afternoon, I really wanted to buy a pair of the tights pictured yesterday.   Unfortunately for me they didn't have any in  my size, they only had them in 18/20 which I suspect could be a bit baggy on me. I will have to try another branch and see if they have a smaller size.   I did buy a pair of sateen pyjamas, which I will be wearing on Saturday night when I am away from home, and a silver necklace.   For those non Europeans who don't know Lidl it is a basic supermarket at the lower end of the market, however they do have some great offers every now and then.

    I also like the fact that as a German company they often have German foods that are either very expensive, or unobtainable elsewhere

    Thursday, 8 December 2011

    It's Getting Cold

    The last couple of mornings we have had a frost, and it is definitely getting colder, and this morning quite windy.   No surprises there really after all it is December, but for those of us who work outdoors it does mean putting on some extra layers.    These extra layers include long underwear, personally I favour wearing tights under my working trousers, I find they are warmer and more comfortable than traditional "Long Johns" as well as being a lot cheaper to buy.   O course I like to wear tights at any time, but at this time of year I don't have to worry about concealing the fact, and my wife will wash them for as well.

    I am getting low on "sanctioned" tights I have a couple of pairs of brown ones and a pair of grey cable cotton ones.   I try to get a type / colour that is different to what my daughter or wife wear so that they don't get confused in the wash.

    I noticed that Lidl have an offer starting Thursday on tights, as well as Sateen Pyjamas and various other things that could interest me.   I quite like Lidl's 8 year old Scotch, I think that tomorrow my shopping basket may contain a few other things as well.

    Wednesday, 7 December 2011

    Woman's Hour

    Woman's Hour is a BBC Radio magazine show, I often listen while I am working and there was an item that got my attention today.   The question was asked How much of the truth about yourself should you tell your partner?   They really had in mind past relationships, or exploits, but this got my attention because I did not tell my wife about my cross dressing, instead she found out and our relationship has not been the same since.   I do not know if she would still have married me if she had known before hand, but at least I would not have been lying.   I think that in many ways it was the lying that hurt her most.

    Anyway I felt I should respond to the show, this is the e-mail I have sent them, as Paula.

    "I did not hear all of this item, but I did hear a couple of views that not telling your partner the whole truth could be a good idea.   I am a 53 year old male to female cross dresser, I have also been married for nearly 20 years.   I did not tell my wife about my cross dressing until a couple of years ago.   When she found out she was devastated that I could keep something like this from her, the lie of omission being as bad as the act of commission.   Our relationship has been permanently marred by my not telling the whole truth at the beginning of our relationship.   We are still married, and generally happy, but there is always that cloud somewhere in the background"

    It will be interesting to see if I get a response

    This weekend

    This weekend I will be travelling down to Cardiff for a couple of days stay with my mother.   She is getting very old now so I like to take every opportunity to see her.   The down side is that it means a whole weekend away from my own family, apart from time with my mother the up side is a chance to dress.   Not while I am actually with Mum, but certainly I can travel pretty, and with a bit of luck I will be able to take a few photos to show you some of the outfits I have been writing about.

    In the mean time I will be busy, both with work and at play.   Tonight (Tuesday) I have a dinner with some other men from my Church, Wednesday we do not have a band rehearsal, but do have a quiz night which the whole family have entered for, then Thursday I shall actually be home in the evening before my first, and possibly only proper Christmas concert of the year.   I don't know much about this concert I will be helping out a friend from one of my orchestras who is the MD of a schools band, some of my other friends and I will be supplementing the youngsters, other than that I don't know what we will be playing, or indeed when we will be finished.   So untill the weekend it doesn't look like I will have an opportunity to be dressed, but that won't stop me thinking about it.

    Tuesday, 6 December 2011

    I knew it would happen

    Yes it was inevitable, one day this was bound to happen.   I more or less knew as soon as I started that one day this time would come, and it has come today.   Having just returned from a rehearsal I am sitting here with my laptop, where it is meant to be, on my lap, typing away, the only trouble is that, that time has arrived.  

    The thing is I don't have anything to say.   There are still a lot of things I want to say, a lot of stories I want tell, a lot of adventures I want to have, and recount them here.   It's just that at this moment, sitting on my sofa in the here and now, there's just not much in the trans gender world that I want to talk about.   maybe I am just preoccupied with the distribution of band members, who should play solo cornet and who should play flugal horn - that sort of thing.  

    Tomorrow (Tuesday) after work I will be going to the osteopath, and then dinner with a group of (all male) friends. Wednesday my other band has a quiz night that my wife and daughter are going to I'm really looking forward t that, and then there's lots of stuff to get ready for Christmas, not least the music for the carol Service.   I don't know when I will next have a chance to dressed as Paula, but I will be travelling this weekend so maybe that will give me the opportunity to sped some time dressed, and the source of a post or two........ maybe

    Monday, 5 December 2011

    A bit of fantasy

    As I was walking down the street yesterday evening I was very conscious of my heels.   For me they are very high, at 5'10" four inch heels raise me to 6' 2" which generally makes me a little self conscious.   They are quite comfortable, but I notice that I have to walk with slightly shorter strides than with 2 or 3 inch heels, and a little slower just to be safe.   I was also very aware of the short a slinky nature of my dress, and the conservative length and quality of my overcoat.   (I promise I will engineer an opportunity to get some photos for you soon)   The coat is a nice dark blue, long, double breasted cashmere, but does have a split up the back, so anyone who choose to check me out would have been able to see plenty of leg as I walked past.

    This was actually a very sensual experience and put me in mind of an occasion many years ago, indeed more years than I care to admit to here.    I was still living at home at the time, and had a girlfriend who was, err how can I put this, yes I know, lets say that she was very keen on the physical nature of our relationship.    One evening, not long before Christmas, when she knew that my parents were out she arrived unexpectedly and when I opened the door to her, she opened her coat to reveal that apart from her shoes she just had stockings and lingerie on underneath her coat!   Needless to say we had a very pleasant evening, and afterwards I found myself getting quite excited again thinking about her driving home apart from her coat just wearing her bra, panties, stockings and suspenders.
    The coat and heels I was wearing on Saturday reminded me of this occasion very strongly, only this time I was imagining myself as the one with the lingerie!   I don't suppose I would ever act out this fantasy, and come to that I doubt very much if I would ever want to show anyone what I actually look like in my lingerie, but it is a thought that has now planted itself

    Sunday, 4 December 2011

    100 Today!

    This is my 100th post, and I've had a little under 4,400 page views.   On an occasion like this it's nice to have a good positive story to tell.

    Last night after my concert (which went well, but not brilliantly) I made a quick change and a dash back to Croydon just in time to join the group for coffee.   I was, I felt, rather glamorous with that very slinky LBD lots of sparklies and my wonderful four inch heel metallic burgundy pumps.   It was a shame that I was late and that the meal was over and the others tired and ready to go home.   We had a chat over coffee and then I was able to give one of the girls a lift home, but I was definitely not ready to go home myself.

    Finding myself unexpectedly on my own and dressed up for a night out I decided that I should at least go somewhere for a glass of wine.   I looked at a few places but none seemed appropriate, when I remembered a pub quite close to home, that is quite civilised, catering for a more mature and quiet clientele.   I parked up not too far away and walked past quite a few Saturday night revellers as this is a lively area on a Saturday night.

    I enjoyed a couple of glasses of wine at the "Grape & Grain" where I was welcomed by owners, the staff and customers.   Thus I had a very pleasant end to a very good evening; I just wish that I could have extended it further.

    Saturday, 3 December 2011

    Tonight

    Tonight it is going to be close, on time, but I am hoping t be able to get to join the girls from the Croydon Trans Group for the end of their Christmas dinner.   I have had a few occasions just lately when I could g out as Paula, but they have all been day time.  In deed nearly all the occasions Paula has had to go out have been day time.   On the whole this is good, safe and fun, but it also means that I don't get to wear the posh frocks.
    I have this lovely slinky black sleeveless high necked cocktail dress that has been waiting for over a year too have an outing.   However for me it very much for evening wear, I intend to glam it up with some sparkly earrings, necklace and bracelet, and absolute killer heels.   Again I have had these shoes for a while and have just been waiting for an opportunity (excuse) to wear them out.   If I can get there in time, tonight will be the ideal occasion, since I won't have to wear the shoes very long, and I suspect that the extra height over anything I am used too could be quite taxing.   I am a little undecided what to do about my hair, at the moment my own hair is quite long (longer than in the photo) and I might be able to get away without a wig, but this would also mean I would be much more recognisable, I think I will take my blond(ish) wig with me and make a decision on the hoof.
    I am also hoping to get to the opening of a new boutique in Streatham today.   I have never been into a Trans Boutique so this will be a whole new experience, oh yes and if I do the logistics are just so complicated that I would have to be in drab.

    Friday, 2 December 2011

    At Last

    Today  I managed to go back to work.   After not being able to do much for the last week this was something of a relief, being self employed if I don't work I don't earn, it was also really nice to be able to use my body again, to feel my muscles doing what they are meant to do.   Although it did rain towards the end of the day it was good to be back at work.

    The other thing that made today special was that it was the first time since last Thursday that I have worn all boy clothes.  It felt a little odd, not wrong or anything like that, just odd.

    Thursday, 1 December 2011

    Another Busy Weekend

    Well a potentially busy Saturday anyway.   I have a concert in the evening, the band is playing a fund raiser near Crawley in Sussex, at the same time my Support Group is having a Christmas dinner in Croydon.   While I know that I must miss the dinner to play the concert I am hoping to be able to get back to Croydon in time for a coffee with the girls after their meal.
    Also on Saturday there is a new T friendly store opening near by in Streatham.   At the moment I have little idea of what this will be like, but since they are planing a "Grand Opening" on Saturday I would like to pop in and see for myself, never know who I might meet, or what I might see.   I am hoping that they might have some hip and bum pads or padded panties so I can fill out those jeans a little better.

    On a different note - I have been complaining about my bad back, well earlier today (Wednesday) I bumped into a friend who amongst other things operates a Natural Health Clinic, I went into the clinic with him where he offered to diagnose the source of the problem, excellent.   This involved using a machine that sends pulses of magnetic energy through the body - or something like that - the outcome was that he found I had lots of muscle damage and a sprain, the machine is also the treatment, and I feel a lot better now, and even managed to do some work this afternoon.
    Like I said - Obvious
    For the machine to work I had wrist bands attached, and had to put my feet on some pads, so I had to take off my shoes.   This was a potential problem, but I decided to go ahead anyway, the problem, once I had taken off my shoes it would be quite obvious that I was wearing tights and that my toe nails had scarlet polish on them.   Of course he noticed and at first didn't say anything, I couldn't believe that I was going to get away it, and I was right.   After making us both a coffee he asked the obvious question, so using Megs "No More Stories" rule I admitted "Yes, I am wearing nail polish and tights", why, "the tights for comfort and warmth the nail polish just for fun" I then went on to admit that I do sometimes cross dress, and ask that for the sake of my wife the information be kept in confidence.   In all he was pretty cool with the whole thing, a little surprised perhaps, but very understanding.

    That is now a couple of times I have been r very nearly have been tumbled, I shall either have to come right out or start being a bit more cautious, and since my wife would simply not handle my cross dressing being public knowledge I will have to be more cautious.

    Wednesday, 30 November 2011

    Always something New

    Yes there is always something new, some new boundary to cross, some new envelope to rip open, some new experience to enjoy.   Well today (Tuesday) I found another new expression of femininity to explore.   As I have said I have been having a bit of back trouble recently (can't get it off the bed in the morning) and in consequence have had a bit more Paula time.
    Well this does mean that I have caught up with Paula's laundry, and today allowed Paula an outing.   Nothing that exciting, shoes needing new heels, watch needing new battery and car needed taxing.   This lot equals a trip into Croydon. Well while I was wandering around killing time waiting for my shoes to be heeled (that's a sign of how much I like those shoes comfortable stylish and not very high heels) I noticed that Debenham's had a threading deal on.

    I am aware that my eyebrows are a little shaggy and maybe one of my less feminine features, so I dived in and had them done, in public, in a department store.   and you know what? no one cared!  I thought that today was not one of my better presentations;-
    Taken later after removal of my make up
    I had been a bit flustered and rushed getting ready so as to make sure that I was out before my wife came home for lunch - Tuesday being her half day - my nail polish hadn't gone on quite right, not wrong, but not quite right either.    I got pretty much dressed, I was wearing jeans with a lilac turtle neck and a nice M & S wool jacket with a sparkly salamander brooch; as I was wearing jeans rather than a dress or skirt I though I would leave the makeup until I was safely on my way.   Then as I was walking to the car a friend pulled up beside me and engaged me in conversation. all I could think of was I had on a bra with my forms in, and nail varnish on my fingers, oh yes and some quite nice low heel ballet pumps - They must have noticed I have been outed!.  At least I hadn't got all my make up on.

    Maybe with all this going wrong I should have called it a day, gone home and poured myself a Scotch, but no I carried on, put on my make up and jewellery, and then realised that my wigs were both at home in my bedroom.   Maybe I should follow Meg's example and start making lists.  

    As I wandered around Croydon I was no more aware of any extra attention than usual, my own hair is fairly long at the moment and all that stops me from wearing it "au natural" is that it is receding a bit at the front, I combed it forward so the fringe more or less covered the thinning area.   Well after all this I thought I deserved a treat so I got my eyebrows threaded, it hurt a bit but looks a fair bit tidy-er, not a great big difference but better.   I think that it will help my presentation, and I may well have it done again.

    Tuesday, 29 November 2011

    What an affair

    OK so I'm not off fighting Mountain Trolls or anything; But, I do think that my wife might just feel like this sometimes.


    She has said of my cross dressing that it makes her feel as if I'm having an affair, with Paula being the other woman.

    Busy weekend and a close shave

    Where I can I like to prepare these posts a bit in advance; I am typing this on Monday morning.   I have a back ache so I can't get on with any outdoor work, but fortunately I do have some paperwork to catch up on, so I am still gainfully employed, I think I shall have to avoid any heavy work again tomorrow (Tuesday) but hope to be back at work by Wednesday.

    The dinner we played for was on Saturday night yesterday (Sunday) I had to play with another band at a festival.  

    Most of us travelled up together and go changed at the venue.   Without really thinking about it I put on what has become my usual casual dress recently.   This means panties tights, ladies jeans, a soft cotton pattered shirt ad ladies denim jacket.   I packed my lunch and a change of clothes, a black shirt black shoes and the trousers I had worn on Saturday.   It was only when it came time to get changed that I realised that my toe nails were crimson and I was wear sheer black tights - woops.   I realised that I might be better of using the Gents to get changed than staying in the communal changing room, I gathered up my trousers and shirt and made for the Gents.   When I got there there were a fair few people in there, rather than appear unusually shy I decided to rinse my  hands and face for a while, as the room cleared,   As I finished changing my shirt exposing my extremely hairless chest the room had cleared so I decided on a quick change I had just managed to get my jeans off (they are quite a snug fit) when our band secretary walked in, there I was showing that I was wear panties (not too pretty but undeniably panties) and tights, a second glance would also have noticed my Crimson toe nails as I had to take off my shoes to get my jeans off.   He just said "Don't worry it's only me" as he walked in chatting away straight past me and carried on with what he had come in to do.

    I quickly got my trousers and shoes on and made my exit, no comment was made, and I firmly believe that had he noticed some comment at least would have been passed.   I find it hard to believe that someone I have known for nearly 40 years walked straight past me in those circumstances and didn't notice anything, but that is exactly what appears to have happened.

    After that performing was a breeze, oh yes and my band got a Gold award, we are waiting to hear if we will be playing at the finals, which this year are being held at the Royal Academy of Music in London

    Monday, 28 November 2011

    Still Stealthy

    Having read Megs most recent posts it's good to know I'm not alone.   As I have said before I like to push the envelope of what is acceptable male attire. tonight I pushed quite hard, and, no reactions anywhere.

    My band was playing for a Mason's dinner, I was conducting, the agreed dress code for the band was all black, i.e. open neck shirts and trousers.   As the conductor I feel obliged to be a little more flamboyant in my dress than the rest of the band.   This evening that meant a black satin cap sleeve blouse, black laddies dress trousers, over sheer tights, men's oxford shoes and a dinner jacket.   And guess what - no one noticed

    After the gig I changed my shoes to some more, or less, appropriate open toed high heels, and lost the DJ   I had a coupe of glasses of wine at one of my favorite, safe, bars. but no real interaction with any civilians.   I want to chat, join in with any fun, maybe even be chatted up.....

    I think that is my biggest disappointment, all dressed up and nobody cares

    Saturday, 26 November 2011

    Shoes

    I have mentioned before that I have a weakness for shoes, I think most cross dressers do.   Men's shoes can be, well a bit boring.   Women's shoes on the other hand are exciting, frivolous, beautifully put together, decadent.   My selection range from the sensible and comfortable too the downright silly, via the beautiful but painful and difficult to walk in.   I'll leave it to you to decide which are which.








    These are of course just a few of the shoes I have, and none of the boots, that could be another whole post in it's own right.   Of course I have favorites at the moment they are a couple of pairs of Roland Cartier pumps, with around three inch heels, I have pictured one pair of these here (on the right), I am finding them very comfortable and easy to wear, and of course very attractive.  

    When I start to think about how many pairs of shoes I have, and how few opportunities I have to wear them it seems very, very silly, but I have such a weakness that whenever I am out and find a pair of shoes that fit I am tempted to buy them whether I actually like them or not.   I might have mentioned before that I need more self discipline, this is why.

    Friday, 25 November 2011

    A bit about me

    Over at Crossdresser Heathen Vanessa has put up an excellent post on the difference between being a Crossdresser and Transsexual take a look here http://www.crossdresserheaven.com/ some of what she says describes me so well, that I thought perhaps I should say a little bit more about me here, well at least the bits that relate to my cross dressing.

    I have come to accept that I am a Crossdresser, that this is something I am rather than something I do.   The last year has been easier for me in this respect as I have just accepted this rather than continuing to fight against it.   However I do not want to be a woman, I want to be able to look like a woman, I want to be free to behave as a woman, and better still to be treated like a lady.   But I only get to experience the good bits, and the leisure activities, and none of the more unpleasant physical aspects, or responsibilities.   Paula has no responsibilities, no job, and no ties.   Crossdressing is a bit like taking a holiday from being me, not a realistic representation of what it must be like to be a woman.   For me it is about the clothes, the appearance of being a woman or if you like the fantasy of being a woman.   As Vanessa says being feminine feels good and is exciting.

    Then again I am mostly happy being a man.   I enjoy the physicality of my work, I used to enjoy enormously the physicality of my chosen sport (Rugby), I (mostly) enjoy being a husband and a father.   As I get older I find that my sex drive has diminished and that the compulsion to dress has grown stronger, I put this down to lower levels of testosterone, but I know I am a man, and although I may fantasise about being a woman, at heart I know this is a fantasy, and that I will not do anything that would lead to any sort of permanent change.   SO why do I like to wear women's clothes - beats me!

    Thursday, 24 November 2011

    Winter's a comming in - GREAT

    Eniko Mahalik in Harper Bazaar
    This photo causes all sorts of conflicting emotions in me,
    1. Winter can be fun
    2. I want to be with her
    3. I want to be her
    4. I don't like horses, but I could make an exception
    5. I just love those boots
    6. I would just love those boots
    I think this sort of encapsulates my attitude to women and clothes in general, maybe that's why my life can feel a little complicated at times.

    At the moment I am stuck at home with a back ache so have plenty of time to look at some other blogs I can't give them all links here but these are couple of the others I have enjoyed
    http://iamashlee1.blogspot.com/
    http://www.thegirlinside.com/
    http://lindamariedaniels.blogspot.com/

    there are also quite a few of those blogs that have a little warning for underage browsers.   The over riding impression - what a lot of us there are out there, and what a shame that none of this was around when I was younger, so much could have been different.   But, well maybe that wouldn't have been such a good thing - ah well like I said complicated

    Stealth Mode

    The other day I mentioned that Gloria was going to have to find a new home, well I still have Gloria but yesterday I picked up her successor.   Nothing special in that you may say, but.....
    As I had to travel over to Harrow to pick up the new van I decided to make the journey worthwhile and the time well spent, for me this meant that I travelled semi dressed, or what you might call stealth mode.   I had sheer hosiery under my ladies jeans, a new pair of ballet style pumps with a small but undeniable heel.   I also had eye makeup, lip gloss, my "pearl" rope and a well padded bra with boobs!    I had a quite large man's burgundy cord shirt and a ladies denim jacket, as the jacket has no usable pockets I carried what needed to be carried in a white cotton shoulder bag.   Although I was not aware of attracting any great attention, my choice in footwear did get a few glances.
    My choice in fotwear

    After collecting the van I added foundation, powder, etc to my make up and put on the rest of my jewelry and wig.   This all felt a little weird as I was wearing flats and jeans, but was no longer in stealth mode.   Well I stopped off a large Tesco in Wembley to pick up a few supplies, when I had gathered my purchases and was looking around for the shortest checkout queue a very helpful young male assistant directed me "The basket checkouts are at the other end, Madame"   I was so thrilled at being called Madame at that point I could have hugged him.   I am sure that had he known he would be pleased that I restrained myself.

    This tells me that to pass or at least be accepted I don't need to glam up, a few serious clues are sufficient.   I had been feeling a little unsure of myself, did I look like a woman, or bloke wearing makeup, that "Madame" was so reassuring, I found a whole new spring in my step afterwards.   I am now wondering how little makeup I can get away with wearing, is less more? it should certainly be more comfortable, and maybe less obvious

    Wednesday, 23 November 2011

    Need to pee?

    After commenting here http://paula-paulasplace.blogspot.com/2011/11/i-should-read-my-own-blog.html that I had to use the ladies loo to make a quick change of hosiery a few people have commented on the "forbidden area" of the "Ladies"   Now I know that for many of us this is a difficult area, should we use the restroom of our physical gender or match our presentation.   I also know that in certain places (I am thinking initially of an incident in a MacDonalds in the US) where a girl like me could get into trouble just for using the loo.

    When I first started to go out properly just over a year ago this was a big concern for me as well.   I was gradually pushing my envelope of comfort, e.g. I was comfortable in the clothes I was wearing but not wearing them out.   The persona that is now called Paula slowly emerged, initially she was very nervous, as her skills with makeup ad putting together an appropriate outfit improved, her confidence and her time out increased.   At first I would try to find gender neutral loos when I needed one, but there is an increasing trend for the only gender neutral loos to be the disabled ones, I would use these and feel a little guilty, but then I started to find a lot of these were locked, and a member of staff had to be asked for a key!
    I well remember the first time I had to use the Ladies, driving back from Cardiff I had stopped at a small Motorway service for a coffee.    I was far enough from home that I would not make it that far without ruining my car seat, I had to pee.   I was pretending that I was on my way to a party in London, that is I was dressed up to the nines, LBD, sparkly dangley earrings, high heels, and the full slap, I had noticed a couple of people checking me out, but the services were pretty quiet.   I reasoned that I had to use either the Gents or the Ladies, who would be most freaked out any men in the Gents finding me standing next to them in a mini dress or a woman finding me washing my hands.   With this reasoning it became a no brainer.   I used the Ladies.

    When I had finnished doin what had to be done, I quietly exited the stall and washed my hands, while drying them a lady approached me, obviously I was nervous, but without reason.   She just wanted to tell me how good she thought I looked, and to tell me of her support for what I was doing.   I was over whelmed, and I would probably not have had this encounter if I had not used the ladies.   Since then I have always used the restroom appropriate to how I am dressed.

    Tuesday, 22 November 2011

    Croydon Remembers

    Well after the ceremony, I had a couple of errands I wanted to run, unfortunately I was too late for the first one.   I had a cheque that I wanted to pay int my building society, but y the time I got there they had shut.   Then there were a couple of things I wanted to check out in Allders before going into Debenhams.   I am a bit of a Lancombe fan, but most of their stuff is just a bit too pricey for me, however at the weekend they had a very good special offer running with Debenhams, with a free goody bag as well as money off.   on this occasion I succumbed to temptation.

    I allowed myself this little luxury as a special treat, because of the cheque I was trying to pay in.   I won on the premium bonds, yes one of my bonds came up trumps again, a whole £25!   No quite the million I was dreaming of but a lot better than a poke in the eye!

    By now I have more clothes, make up and shoes than I can ever claim to need, or indeed have any real use for, so I really must restrain myself and stop shopping, except for the family Christmas presents of course.

    Monday, 21 November 2011

    Croydon Remembers part II

    Yesterday was a bit of a funny day, having got up at an unusually early hour for a Saturday, a quick shower and shave and I was out of the house for a Men's Breakfast at my Church.   There we had lots of talk about how difficult it is to be strong and the man that everyone expects us to be, this before a few hours work trying to sort out a problem with some garden lights.   This would not have been quite so bazaar if I had not known that I was going to spend the afternoon en Femme.   My Church also has a Women's day every year which for reasons I won't go into now I did attend a couple of years ago, on balance I think I preferred the Women's day.   That having been said it was a very good breakfast.   We are very lucky that amongst our membership we do have a professional chief, who just happens to be French.   Despite being French he still managed egg bacon sausages and black pudding; and managed them very well.

    I couldn't solve the electrical problem, but I did have the afternoon to look forward to.

    My original plan was to get changed at my customers business premises as I was not expecting anyone to be there, but when I got there a couple of staff had come in to see customers and tidy up some paperwork.   I was able to slip on my undergarments in the loo but that was all.   Everything else had t be done in the van.   This is never easy or elegant and it is difficult to emerge cool and presentable.    I think I managed reasonably well, and told myself that since I was going to be publicly declaring myself as a cross dresser by my presence at the ceremony it was more important to present myself well than to blend in.   As I know a couple of the girls are quite tall, and the weather very mild I thought I could "get away" with wearing a pair of my Roland Cartier open toed pumps with three inch heels my new "Next" grey check dress, this is quite short but I think rather elegant, and of course a coat.
    So duly dressed and preened I drove into Croydon, there is a car park in Croydon which will allow Gloria in so I parked up and climbed out, and caught me watch strap clasp on my tights!   Regardless I carried on and met up with Helen, and Roger the organisers of the event.   We all met up in the Clock tower Cafe, before going upstairs into the Library for the ceremony
    Lighting candles in Remembrance
    After the ceremony most of the attendees went on to a local pub, that was hosting a buffet and refreshments and a showing of Jane Anderson's film "Normal" starring Tom Wilkinson and Jessica Lange.   Unfortunately I had more family commitments so couldn't go. 

    Sunday, 20 November 2011

    This morning

    I don't want to overdo it but I will be writing more about my trip into Croydon yesterday, but just want to stick a quick linked post in here now.

    It is Sunday morning, and as I am a committed christian I went to Church.   I should say that yes I am a committed christian and as such I am writing this post from that point of view, because it is the only point of view I have.   (I am not proselytising this is simply who I am, it is an important part of my whole life including my cross dressing, so every now and then it will come up).   We are an evangelical Church of England, we like to think that we are inclusive and compassionate, but like most people at times we can be intolerant of others who are not like us.   I think that I am known as one of the most liberal members of the Church, both in my politics and in my theology.   This morning it was my turn to lead prayers.

    I was nervous of mentioning that today is the International Transgender Day of Remembrance, but as the service went on I became convinced that it was the right thing to do, and more over that by doing so I would be praying into God's will.   I was nervous because I feared that I could be outing myself at my wife's place of employment, and that many members of the Church may not be sympathetic.
    Well I did it, praying for compassion, comfort and understanding, as I did I looked around the congregation and could see heads nodding in agreement, there were plenty of amens sounding out during the prayers as well.   I am enormously encouraged that no one seemed to be opposed, and no one felt the need to approach me after the service to challenge my prayers.   To all those who expect all Christians to be anti anything and everything trans, please accept that this is not the case, most of us will embrace compassion.   As we sang this morning in our worship,

    You are the defender of the weak
    You comfort those in need.

    Profile

    I started writing this post about a month ago, since then we have the television screening a series about a group of transgendered people meeting up at weekends which follows their progress, and the international day of remembrance.   Both of these have served to raise awareness of girls like us.   I am sure that there is still a lot of confusion in the minds of most people about who we are, what we do and why we do it.   Heck there's still a lot of confusion in my mind! so back to my original post;-

    As cross dressers we have a low profile, almost by definition we do not want to be noticed as cross dressers.   The aim is to pass as a genetic girl, not to stand out but to blend in, Stana has written here http://www.femulate.org/2011/10/better-read-than-dead.html and here http://www.femulate.org/2011/10/dressing-to-please-yourself.html about when we stand out from the crowd.   I hope that when I do stand out from the crowd that it is in a positive way.   As I have said elsewhere I try not to look like a transvestite or a clown, I want to look like a well presented lady out about her business.   I suspect that is how most of us feel when we do mange to get out, we don't want to be objects of attention.   On a personal level that is good and understandable, however I wonder what most people think about cross dressers, who and what they think we are.  
    Eddie in sultry mood

    If someones sole contact with the trans community is what they see on the interweb then we are doomed!   While blogs like Femulate, Call me Meg and I hope this one are of some help, I suspect that they are almost exclusively viewed by cross dressers.  
    Grayson Perry
    The sheer amount of trans pornography that is available suggests that A/ it is popular and that B/ a lot of people are getting their sole impression of trans people this way.   This is worrying because as with all porn it is a simple objectification for the third persons sexual gratification, in other words nothing to do with reality.   How often when trying to explain ourselves to someone do we have to make it clear that it is not about being gay, it is not about sex, maybe the proliferation of this porn is partly to blame.   I say partly because there is very little else in main stream society about us.   In the UK we have two cross dressing heroes, Grayson Perry the artist and Turner Prize winner and of course Eddie Izzard, these two have a fairly high profile but they are far from typical so that most peoples ideas (if they any) of cross dressers are limited.   We need more heroines to come forward and explain to the populace what we are about, to educate our children and talk to our media - just as long as it's not me......