More stuff, too much stuff?

The other day I talked about my efforts at getting a bit fitter, and hopefully losing some excess fat in the process, this is not the only aspect of my life that I am trying to sort out a bit. In some ways I am over committed and need to make decisions about what I really want to do with the rest of my life, Now that "other" activities do not have to revolve around "work" I need a reset. I hope to have another 20 or so active years, I certainly don't want to waste them.

Stuff, I'm unlikely to use this trombone "in anger"

As I live in a studio flat every bit of space I have is precious, and all too much of that precious space is filled with instruments, at the current count I have two trombones (a Bb/F tenor and a double plug orchestral bass) two tubas (Besson 984 EEb and a B&S five rotor CC) two electric basses (one five string and one four string) an electric keyboard, assorted percussion "toys" and a Euphonium ~ and they are just the ones I actually play! I have decided that instruments I don't play should have no place in my flat. I have recently passed on my P Bone, a three quarter size violin, and a baritone horn. That now leaves a trumpet and a cornet to move on, I also have a large CC/BBb tuba gig bag that is surplus to requirements and taking up valuable space and will shortly be going on ebay. In that case I do have to ask myself why I have just ordered a marching euphonium!

It's not just instruments that I have acquired that need to be sorted, I also have lots of books and sheet music (I refuse to use the term "too much" as in both these cases it is an oxymoron), lots of paper records and, well, "stuff". Stuff that would be perfectly fine if I still lived in a three bedroom house, or even had a garage. I am slowly getting rid of a lot of my larger gardening tools, but still have a large roller cabinet of mechanics tools I am reluctant to get rid of until I decide on my next car. 

More "stuff"

Occasionally I have to ask myself how many house plants is enough? Do I really need enough cutlery, china and glass ware to hold a five course dinner party for eight people when I only have two dinning chairs? Is having four overcoats excessive? and, just how long should I keep those bank statements?

It is currently anything but spring but I am making a serious effort at sorting my life out ~ anybody want some spider plants?

A Problem Solved?

I have often alluded to the meagre size of my living space, the truth is that the space is fine, I just have too much stuff.  Having reached an age where pensions become the subject of interested reading I have had plenty of time to acquire lots of "stuff".    When I first moved in I had a pretty major cull, and subsequently I have had more, and so far the only things I have disposed of that I have missed are my old BBb tuba (Mrs T) and a small cast iron gratin dish with a handle ~ which I suppose goes to show that stuff isn't that important.

Books are something of an issue with me.   I tend to buy them in charity shops with every intention of giving them back after I've read them, but somehow they just tend to stay in the flat.   All my book cases are full, and all my shelves are double stacked, there are also a few piles on the floor.

Well a few days back I managed to do something I have been planning ever since moving.   I had a meeting at the Town Hall, so before my meeting I popped into the library next door, and joined!

Libraries are these wonderful places that will lend you books, without charging.   As long as they get the books back there is no charge and they just keep on lending.   I currently have a couple of weighty novels out, as I am working my way through a series. They are "who done its" so once I know I probably won't want to re-read so the library is ideal.

I keep hearing that library services are under threat, well the only way to ensure their continued presence is to use them, I'm doing my bit.

The Truth

I recently finished reading Terry Pratchett's Disk World novel, "The Truth" there is a line in it somewhere that struck me, and I have been mulling over the idea of writing a post around this quote since reading it a week or so ago.   This morning I woke up a respectable time, and decided that I was going to stay home and get a few things done; but before that I would look up the quote I wanted.   I glanced through the book, then I skimmed through it then I looked a bit harder, until in effect I had totally re-read the whole thing still without finding the line I wanted.

Very frustrated, if a little entertained, I eventually managed to make my way downstairs to get my day properly started.   I pottered around for a while washing up, doing a couple of loads of washing and generally trying to get my act together.   It was only when I sat down with a cup of coffee and started writing this post that I even thought about looking it up on-line.

The line I was interested in is "Sometimes glass glitters more than diamonds because it has more to prove" I felt that this said something about many trans people and how we dress.   I have often observed that I have to dress to assert my femininity as it is not as immediately obvious as it is with most of my cisgendered sisters.  

Although I have recently started to doubt this a little, as I am now beginning to concentrate on what type of a woman I am rather than whether I am a woman at all.   Certainly as being female has become a dwelling place rather than an excursion the height of my heels and the length of skirts have traveled in opposite directions.   I no longer feel that I have to be "obviously" feminine in order to present a feminine image to the world, as I grow in confidence I find that I don't need to try quite so hard.

Don't get me wrong, I do still like my high heels, and my glamorous dresses, it's just that I don't feel I need to wear them all the time, sometimes jeans and a sweater will do just as well.   Maybe I'm learning to glitter more authentically as I find I have less to prove.

No Excuse

I have just read a couple of pieces on Blogs I follow both A.E.Brain and Jenny at Large Booming Flower have picked up on an article in today on line version of The Guardian / The Observer.   Now in general I am not a campaigner, I will get cross and mutter darkly over a pint in the saloon bar, but I will rarely take action, on this occasion I think I will and I encourage you to do the same.  

The sad thing is that in many ways I agree with much of what Julie Burchill is trying to say, those strident campaigners who can't see beyond their own self interests and campaign in "my name" annoy me intensely, whether it be transgender campaigners complaining about a joke because they misunderstood the target, Christian activists campaigning against "Gay Bishops" or worse Women Bishops, or Socialists campaigning to make private schools illegal, they all claim my allegiance, but none of them have it.   The thing about the silent majority is just that, most of the time we are silent and allow the strident to hog the soap box.  However of of that is no excuse for the language used in this opinion piece.  On this occasion I will not be silent, I will complain to the PCC (after all it is still all we have) and if enough of us do that then maybe in future writers will be more circumspect in their choice of language.

Strange

I had a very strange experience today; as it was very cold this morning I couldn't get on with any of the gardening work I have in hand, and due to "essential maintenance work" we had a scheduled power cut as well so I couldn't get on with any of my admin work either.   I decided not to waste the day but do some seasonal shopping, as well as my banking I bought my wife a nice scarf for Christmas and took in for repairs a gold chain I bought her when our daughter was born.   I hope that this will be a reassurance of my continued love.

Anyway to the point, my wife does not approve of some of my wardrobe choices, including the fact that the only respectable jeans I have that are even close to fitting are women's.   I have decided that I should replace at least one pair with some of a more masculine cut.   So while out today I checked over the jeans in the charity shops, in one shop I found a couple of pairs worth trying on.   I took both in to the changing room and first tried out the Levis, they were a bit too much of a "skinny" cut for me, then I tried on the other pair.   They were M & S so reasonable quality but I was not expecting a particularly fashionable cut.   They were very comfortable and a very good fit I had decided to buy them (a good price as well) when it dawned on me that the fly was the "wrong" way round, checking them again they had a tab inside saying size 14 and on the button they did say "M & S Woman".

There have been plenty of times when I would still have gone ahead and bought them (even with some glee) but with our current situation I thought it not wise, and I had especially gone to the men's rack!   The assistant was so embarrassed when I told her that the jeans had been put on the wrong rack and marked up as Men's Medium, I didn't have the heart to tell her that they were also a perfect fit.

No.2 Trafalgar Square Christmas tree 2011

Well I am well on my way to having completed my Christmas shopping, I have gifts for both my wife and daughter, now I just have my brothers and mother to worry about, in the best family tradition books will probably be the answer, it's just a question of choosing which ones.    I have just finished reading a book given to me by my friend P, "This Charming Man." by Marian Keyes, yes it could be called "chic lit" but the interest for us is that it has a very sympathetic portrayal of a cross dresser, she has clearly done a bit of research and has managed to go beyond the usual shallow stereotyping to show a range of cross dressers, from across the community.   These characters are not central to the main story line, but are an interesting part of the tale.   Even without the cross dressing interest this is a real page turner and great fun, so here you have it your first Paula's Place book review and recommendation.

More Black dresses

Yesterday was a good day, it feels to strange to start like that when the weather so bad that I had to cancel all my arranged work, which has, of course put me further behind, as I had planned to have S working with me I am now three days on this week alone.   Anyway once I had made my decision about work I could make my phone calls and plan my day.   Since P was available I arranged to meet  her for lunch.

I took my time getting ready and had an uneventful trip down to Crawley, as P is moving on Friday this will be the last time we do this.   We had a pleasant lunch a bit jewelry shopping for P and a look around the shoe stores for me.   I still couldn't find anything that I like at a price I am prepared to pay ~ I may well have to compromise soon.   We also popped into Matalan, I wanted to try these dresses on in a size 16, I had tried the long one on in a different store, but the largest size they had was a 14, and I wanted a second opinion, i.e is the split in the long dress too high, and likewise is the hemline of the skater dress too high.   The store we went to had neither dress in stock in any sizes at all, this is probably a good thing as I could well have ended up buying at least one of them, when I really do have no use for yet another black dress.

I stopped of on the way home for a glass of wine (or two) and started reading a book P had recommended and lent to me "This Charming Man" by Marian Keyes, it's a bit early to tell yet but is quite fun so far.   Then home, to be greeted by the "cold shoulder" I had left out my nail polish quick dry spray and my wife was in a sulk about it, knowing what I do is hard enough for her t accept, she really does not want to see any evidence of it.   I shall have to find a way of making up for this a bit, I don't think flowers are going to cut it, and I am out tonight, she is out tomorrow, then I am out again Saturday night and my daughter and I are both out on Sunday, could be a tough few days now.

At least I will get my physical aches sorted out today when I visit the Osteopath.

Coffee

Post prepared on Tuesday 9th October, this is old stuff because I'm on Holiday

Yesterday it was raining pretty hard in the morning, so I knew I would not be able to do any garden work.   My schedule was simply catching up on some gardens and then visiting a customer to plan the next stage of a a re-modeling we are doing.   I changed my plans, I sent a text message to y friend B asking if he was around for a cup of coffee, but got no reply, so once my wife and daughter had left I go dressed, this was the morning I re-created the look from my dinner away for these photos.

After my little photo session I changed into something a little more appropriate for the time of day and the season, after lunch I decided to go out.   Wardrobe note I had longish cherry red finger nails and was wearing my black and grey day dress with black court shoes, nearly black stockings black shoulder bag and my long wool overcoat.   I was already out when my friend called, he had just picked up my message and was available to meet up, without think I agreed and went over to pick him up.   As I arrived at his house he was standing outside smoking, looking down the road straight at me, but didn't recognise me!   This was the first time he had seen me in a dress (the previous time he had met Paula I was wearing a trouser suit I wanted to break him in gently) so it may have been that or the hair, any way I find it interesting that he didn't recognise me but my GG friend S did.

We popped into the Nero's in West Wickham for coffee, and had a long chat about his employment prospects, books (I had just finnished Brokeback Mountain which I would recommend, I haven't seen the film yet but the short story is very good) we have been reading and the trip to York we are planing for early next year (as long as he is in gainful employment by then).   It was so very nice to just sit and chat with a friend, feeling comfortable and relaxed dressed how I want.   B was not at all self conscious about what I was wearing so it was a shame when I had to leave to make sure I was not late to meet my customer.

As it happened I had a little time in hand so I popped into a Matalan near by and checked out their wears, I bought myself a new sparkly bracelet ready for the party season (I hope Paula will be asked to some) and this dress ~ I know it is a bit short but I think I ca get away with it if I wear opaque tights, leggings or even skinny jeans.

Fiction Mania?

When we can't actively indulge ourselves in our "hobby" we will often read about those do.   We will read blogs, look at pictures and explore all sorts of avenues that are best left unexplored.   That is the nature of any interest subverted, oppressed, and sidelined by society.   There is a lot of what could loosely be called transgendered fiction out there in Internet land, a lot of it (possibly the best of it) is on the Fictionmania web site.   However it does seem to me that most of it is pretty formulaic, it all seems to be written in the first person and there are basically only three story lines,

1. Boy is caught dressing in his sisters / girl friends / neighbours clothes and as a punishment is forced to wear more of their clothes and go into feminine situations resulting in a sexual encounter.
2. Boy is forced into a situation where he has to dress up as a girl against his will and then ends up in situations where he can't admit that he's really a boy, resulting in a sexual encounter.
3. Boy is forced by dominant female to be subservient, part of the process involves him dressing in a feminine manner, resulting in a sexual encounter.

forgive me if I have missed anything but it seems to me that most of what I read falls into one or the other of these categories.    Some are very well written short stories, some crudely recount a sexual fantasy, I have yet to read one that would attract, or hold the attention of a reader who did not have a special interest.   I long to see a peace of fiction that gives a realistic, positive, portrayal of what it is really like to be a cross dresser.   I remember an interesting play on BBC Radio 4 a while back that started off very promisingly, but ended up with the cross dresser a rapist and a murderer.   Where are the stories about mature men who choose to occasionally present as women, and do ordinary things.   I know that for a story to hold interest something extraordinary needs to happen (except of course in Joseph Hellers "Something Happened"), but does it have to be of either a sexual or a violent nature.

I have the beginnings of a story written, but have stalled as it keeps creeping into one of my own fantasies, and this I want to avoid.   If any of you have some thing you think is worth reading please, please send it to me and I will put it up here (as long as it conforms to the site rules, no sex, nothing nasty all suitable for the office or under 18s).   In the mean time I will revisit my own writing and see if I can bring the story to a conclusion that does not involve any of these three areas of fantasy.

A mixed bag

Yesterday, (Friday) Paula had the day to herself, with just a few errands that had to be run, and a bit of work to do on the computer.   As usual it took me longer than anticipated to get ready, and in the end I was not totally happy with my appearance, but decided that I had spent so long getting ready I was not going to change or re-do my make up so I would have to do.

As soon as I was on my own I had painted my finger nails to match my toes (bright cherry red, very seasonal) and they looked good, after that my undies, then makeup and finally my grey "Prince of Wales" check dress.   I would have preferred a longer dress but interestingly all my longer dresses are summer weight, while most of my heavier or lined dresses are shorter.   I also decided to wear my new tights that I went to so much effort to buy from Lidl, unfortunately on me they did not look nearly as nice as the picture ( http://paula-paulasplace.blogspot.com/2011/12/its-getting-cold.html ), I had expected the pattern to be much more square and larger than it actually was, anyway by this time I felt I had wasted enough time, so as an acknowledgement of the weather I put on my coat and boots, and promptly put a ladder in my tights.   As the ladder was quite low down it was covered by the boots so I decided to ignore it.

My first two errands were to deliver business Christmas cards and diaries to a couple of Local Authority customers, I knew I could just drop these off at the front desk and get away, but there was always a risk of being seen and recognised - but I was not overly worried.   the only trouble I hit was with traffic, the people I saw at the front desks of both Councils were charming.   Next came the bank, here I had quite a pleasant little chat with the (male) cashier explaining about my business name, what the initials stand for, how I had selected the name and what the business does.   They didn' have many customers so it was nice to spend a little time just chatting.

After this I allowed myself the luxury of completing my Christmas shopping, I picked up some books for my Mother and a lovely Liberty Print silk scarf for my Wife, then I needed a coffee and a sit down.   I don't think I have been into the Nero's in West Wickham before but again the staff were so nice that I shall be returning, this then just left the final assault on Tescos.   I knew that if I went to my local store there was a good chance of running into a neighbour or friend from Church, so went to a store a little out of town, this is bigger than my local one, but didn't seem to have as good a selection of wine (my main purchases).   Here I did feel a little obvious, there I was wearing quite a short dress, knee boots with very high heels (altogether they make me about 6'2") I was over dressed, over height and over loaded.   I was thank full to get out, but still enjoyed the experience a lot more than I would have in drab!

Knowing that I still had a couple of hours free time I made my way homewards, but stopped off at what is fast becoming a regular watering hole, the Grape & Grain.   Here I enjoyed a glass of wine on my own while having a 45 minute 'phone conversation with one of my customers.   It was as I took off my overcoat and sat down on the comfy sofa here that I realised that the ladder in my tights had now run nearly the whole way up my leg.   In all I was disappointed in my tights, enjoyed my day out enormously, but glad to take off my boots and put on some slippers.

This morning (Saturday - Christmas eve) I have cleaned the polish off my toes nails, and cut my finger nails to a more conventional male length and shape.   Each time I do this I morn a little, but I shall be fully male in my dress now for the rest of the year.

As I Said

As I said there was something else I wanted to do while I was at the Crystal Palace.   Twice Paula has been to the Grape & Grain and found it to be  pretty friendly pub.    I know the beer, wine and welcome are generally good, but it was nice to find that Paula was as or more welcome as him.

The previous time I was in I had quite a conversation with the landlady, about the book I was reading and the local library.   I have now finished the book and don't expect to want to re read it so I thought I would pass it on.   After having my hair cut I popped into the Grape, ordered myself a coffee, and was preparing to settle down, when the land lady came up to me, she remembered my name, and was bowled over that I had remembered her interest in what I was reading, and then passed the book on to her.   It is nice that I feel valued and safe as Paula here, that they remember and accept me, and treat me as a valued customer.   I see they have a book club, I might see if I can get along to that a few times, it would be nice for Paula to interact with civilians who do not have an economic interest in being nice to her.

The two previous times I had been here were fairly late and I had been dressed "up to the nines" (where does that expression come from) so it was nice to go in during the day, more conservatively dressed.   I am sure that I was much closer to passing in my day wear, but either way every one treated my well.   Over on her Blog Femulate (if you don't know it why not?) Stana has been mussing on whether it is important to pass, or to just be accepted and has come to the conclusion that acceptance is more important, and maybe passing comes from that, she says;-

"Now, I am personable to everyone I encounter. I don't wait to see how they react to me.

I believe that by being personable and outgoing, it surprises people and they react positively whether they read me or not".

I strongly recommend going over a reading the whole thing