Advent Caledar XI

At first I wrote that "Today is a very special day" but actually of course it is not today that is special, it is an anniversary of what was for me a very special day. Indeed it is the anniversary, the first anniversary, or if like my Fanniversary! It is a year ago today that my wife and daughter drove me to Parkside Hospital where I was to undergo gender confirmation surgery. I graphically remember that having had to come off estrogen several week before hand I was having serious menopausal hot flushes in the back of the car on the way. My wife and daughter were in the front of the car wrapped up in winter coats and with the heater on while in the back I had the window open as I was hanging my head out like a dog trying to cool down.

With my friend "Stripes" waiting to 

be taken down to theatre

It was a strange day, I was nervous (I am a total wuss) but I was also looking forward. It is a great tribute to my family that they came with me and supported me throughout this. I am so aware of how hard this must have been for my wife, but I also know how important it was for me to have that support.

Fortunately as a survival strategy we have a very poor memory for pain. I know I managed better than many as I didn't need to use the morphine on offer, but it was a very odd period. I'm glad I will never need to go through all this again, yet I am pleased to say that I am very glad I did go through all of it. I am very pleased with the outcomes ~ much more so than I ever expected.

My expectations were that life would be a bit easier, that I would have a little more freedom over clothing choices, that I wouldn't need to worry about challenges in toilets or about which changing rooms to use. What has surprised me is how I feel, how different I feel about myself. It is really difficult for me to explain (that's not so good for a writer I know) but I do now feel liberated, justified, and at ease.

I know some go into this stage of their transition with high expectations and then feel disappointment, I on the contrary went into this with low expectations and have been elated! I had not expected to have surgery at all, I was aware of the risks involved, all the maintenance issues, and of course the possibility of complications. It was only when I became aware that there were more than one surgical alternative available that I actually began to consider my options.

There are some things that do not need to be publicly discussed, but let it suffice to say that I have done this solely for myself, and so far no one else has even seen the handiwork of the wonderful Mr Bellringer. I'll just say please do not assume that there is just one "Surgery" I used to be asked "Have you had surgery" I would answer "Yes I had my appendix out when I was about 8 or 9" there is a general impression that there is just one possible procedure, I am so glad that there are more, if that had been the only alternative I would not have gone for it ~ yet I am now very happy with what I have.

Oh and did I mention how good the food was in there!

Desert Island Discs VI

I know I am moving around quite a lot, in time, in genre and in general but bare with me, there may be no logic but I'm sure something will emerge.

Regular readers will know that my wife is very important to me, we may be separated but we are still friends, and I know that she knows me better than any one else and will always be honest with me.   I am slightly the older, but not by much so when we got together it was reasonable to expect some overlap in our record collections, I think the only thing we both had was a single Shakatak record.

I don't expect everyone to share my taste for orchestral and wind band music, but JUST ONE RECORD!  I liked King Crimson and Yes, she liked Donny Osmond and David Cassidy (I should say I prepared this post a few days ago, with this morning's news that David Cassidy is dead some how makes it a bit more poignant) .   We subsequently did find contemporary music we both like and agreed not to play the other stuff to each other.   It took quite a lot of exploration before finding some orchestral music that we both liked, and it was a surprise to find that it was Mozart.   I have never listened to a lot of "Classical" music as there are no tuba parts! I tend to the big romantics, but when we heard the Mozart Clarinet Concerto it hit the spot for both of us.  Now whenever I hear this piece I always think of my wife, and these days when ever I think of my wife it is with affection ~ of course now we are separated it's lot easier ~ and she will always hold a very special place in my heart, whatever the future may hold.





Mozart - Clarinet Concerto [Sharon Kam]

Looking back

My Garden on 2nd February 2009

It is still blooming cold here, sufficiently cold to make work very difficult if possible at all.   But it could be, and has been a lot worse!

I should admit that part of the problem is a lack of enthusiasm, or maybe just inertia on my part, but looking back over the years that's nothing new around January either.   In January last year David Bowie had just died, and I was worrying about money, being cold, work, and getting a new smart phone. Pretty much the same things that concern me this month, although my financial situation is slowly improving.

Two years ago things were a little different, I was still living in the family house even though I was on my own.   I am sure that I was concerned about work and money, but my post on the 23rd January 2015 was much more concerned about coming out, telling people who thought they knew me about myself, and how although in my mid 50s I was making some major changes.   But at that point I had only just decided to be me full time, but still had to present as male on occasion.

Going back a further year and I was still trying to work out who, and indeed what I was. I was living a life with "one foot in each camp" my wife and daughter had left to live with her mother, our relationship had detreated and at that point I could not see how it would improve. All in all sometimes it is good to look back to where we were so it is easier to see where we are going.

Loose ends

I suspect that over the last couple of posts I have left a few loose trails, so maybe I should try to tie some of them off. In my last post I talked about marriage, and was reminded of this :~

"It is often said that as married couples get older they can grow apart as each partner wants different things, in our case the trouble was we both wanted the same thing ~ Colin Firth"







I put that in quotation marks and italics just to emphasise that It is a joke! oh yes, and an opportunity for a gratuitous photo of Colin Firth, Oh who needs an excuse, let's have another.


What did I wear to my meeting on Tuesday afternoon? I decided on sensible, formal and businesslike, the dark blue trouser suit with cream blouse and modest heels.  I did not expect any comments or compliments so I wasn't disappointed, but one of my colleagues did observe that I looked very nice, and more to the point appropriate.  For me this was another river crossed and yet another bridge burnt.

I still feel surprised when I realise that there are still people or organisations I haven't told, but over the last few days I have been going through all my utility suppliers making sure that they all have the right name.  I have had no real problems with any of them making the change - except for the one organisation that should be the most clued up, the Gender Identity Clinic.   I am sure that it is nothing personal, but it seems to me that they have serious systemic problems with the Admin there, and have had for a number of years.   This is neither the time nor the place to go into details but I have felt obliged make a formal complaint! Lets hope that does the trick and I don't need to escalate the situation further.

And finally ~ for today anyway ~ I have been mulling over the whole Pride experience.   I expect that I will take part in the same three next year, I hope to take on a bigger role at Trans Pride and will once again just do the Parades at London and Brighton.   They were all fun, but it was Trans Pride which had an edge, it still has a community feel and a protest aspect, the other two just felt like a big party nothing wrong with that but I don't think that everything is rosy, we still need to assert our rights a battle may have been won, and a lot of progress has been made over the last year, but we still have a way to go.

Nice Day For It

As I went through the blogs I like to follow I couldn't help but think that the stand out post for today, from Meg, today she interrupted a long running story to tell us all that she is now officially divorced.   Being Meg she make light of it and has put up a few related cartoons.   I don't know whether to send congratulations or commiserations.  

At times it has seemed as though we were travelling on parallel paths, so much of what happened to Meg happened to me at a similar time.

I am pleased to say that at the moment there is no sign of my following this bit of her path.   Even though my wife and I have separated neither of us currently has any appetite for divorce.   I can only speak for myself, but I still love my wife, we just can't live together and she can't accept my being trans.   I don't know where we will be in another year, after all two years ago I couldn't imagine us being where we are now, I just hope that whatever happens to us we can remain conected and don't forget all the good bits.

Today is our wedding anniversary

Music Was My First Love

They say it is better to have loved and lost, than too not have loved at all.   I'm not so sure.   When thinking of falling in love, rather than the many other uses of the term, I can say I have only done that twice.   I know some people only do it once or even not at all, but for me it is twice, and on both occasions I ended up proposing.   On both occasions the object of my love said yes! and on both occasions they still ended up leaving me.   I will not criticise, I think they both had good, valid reasons, even though I may have been troubled by their decisions these are hard decisions that sometimes need to be made and actually need to be made selfishly.   The problem I have with both of these is that in neither case have I actually fallen out of love.  If either of these ladies were to want to have me back, even as I am now, I would go.

Of course I do have other loves, I love my Daughter in a way that I never thought possible, and that is something special between a parent and child, this is the relationship I prize beyond all others, maybe that makes me a bad Christian as I should value my relationship with God higher, but I believe He wanted to be called father so that as parents we could understand the depth of His love for us.

All this is a little beside the point, my first love, the one that has never let me down and that I expect to be with me all my life, ~ Music.   Now even though I do not come from a home where music was a constant I can't remember a time when music was not an integral part of my life.   I used to sing, I started performing as a chorister went on to piano lessons and attendance at the Arthur Davison Family Concerts, little thinking that a few years later I would be playing in them myself.   As a singer I made up with enthusiasm what I lacked in talent, and I have been doing the same as an instrumentalist since starting to play back in 1970.   Playing music has become such an important part of who I am that I truly believe there have been times when, quite literally, that is what has kept me going.

I have been lucky, I have at times been able to make a living from music, and now as an amateur I get to play great music with great people in wonderful places.  As I get older I struggle to conceive of a time when I might no longer be able to play, in the mean time I intend to make the most of it, and am looking at new ways to perform, I want to conduct more, and play with more orchestras (and if some of them will pay me all to the good) I will be playing a concert with the London Euphonia Orchestra on the 10th May and another with the LGSO on the 29th June.

Sunday night's LGSO concert was a bit of a triumph, the excitement of the orchestra came over to the audience who received us with enthusiasm, personally I might have felt a little under prepared, but that just added to the excitement.   As a post script I decided to wear my silver strappy sandals, but when it came to walking across the platform with my trombone I just didn't trust myself, so stuck with the lower black courts I had been wearing during rehearsal.

Anniversaries

To be strictly accurate the anniversary that started me thinking along these lines was a couple of days ago, but it was only yesterday that I realised when I heard a piece on Radio 4.  It was ten years ago on the 29th March that Ireland banned smoking in all work places.   While smoking was banned in all working places it was the pubs and bars that made the news, I remember that  it was all over the papers and TV at the time.   The very idea of a smoking ban was so radical then that it is hardly surprising there was such a fuss.   At that time there were smoking restrictions right across the EU, the big difference was that in Ireland the ban was both total and enforced.

In 2004 I had already been a non smoker for over ten years so to me the idea was a very attractive one, what I hadn't anticipated was that I would end up having to sit in pub gardens in the middle of winter because my friend needed to smoke, I am so grateful that he has now also given up.

Well I had a look back at what I was writing about a year ago, on the 1st April 2013 I wrote about a dream I had and on the 1st of April 2012 it was a shopping trip that was occupying my mind.   I actually find it hard to believe that this little shopping trip was two years ago, the memory of it is still so fresh in my mind.   A year before that I had not started the Blog but my old diaries tells me that the previous couple of April the firsts were just ordinary working days.   The first of April is also the anniversary of Hitler's imprisonment, Wally Hammond's record breaking innings against New Zealand, the Hawker Harrier entering active service with the RAF and in the Netherlands same sex marriage became legal, in 2001!

Although Ireland led the world in 2004 when it came to smoking many, many countries and states have still to catch up with Holland when it comes to equality.

Wedding March

To celebrate the first day of same sex marriages in the UK the LGSO have published this performance of the Mendelssohn wedding march as played at our last concert for Valentines day.    I of course am hiding behind my usual pillar somewhere at the back

This performance is conducted by the most excellent Christopher Braime (watch out for that name, a young an who could go far).   This evening I will be play Tuba with the Pelly Orchestra also conducted by Christopher I am looking forward to a fn and interesting afternoon (Rehearsal) and evening (Concert).   At the moment this is the only "Civillian" Orchestra I play with, but I would really, really like  to add to the number so for any orchestras who want a Bass Trombone or Tuba I am (relatively) cheap and often available (Ohh err Missus!)

Suits Her

Yesterday was an interesting day, my daughter worked with me during the day, while she may not be the most productive worker I have employed she is better company than many.   While waiting for her I spent a little time with my wife, I should stress that we are still on reasonably friendly terms, or at the very least polite communicative terms.

It seems that she is having a good year, for the first time in years she has started to wear make up on a regular basis, has lost around a stone already this year, which equates to two sizes meaning that she can now and does shop for clothes in Primark.    She has joined a choir and started going out with friends.   All in all she seems to be enjoying life making the most of her opportunities.    I am very happy for her, these are all things that I have been trying to encourage her to do for years.   It's just a shame that it took leaving me for her to feel enabled to do all this.

This all gives me some rather mixed feelings, pleased that she is letting herself bloom a last, but disappointment that I am not involved.   But then nothing else about my life is particularly simple so why should this be.

Whilst I may e morning the loss of my own marriage I would like to add my congratulations to the many others to all those who are getting married today, whatever your gender.

Looking Back 1

Yes it's that time year, the tie when we look back over the last year and see how we have done, did we live up to our aims, what did we do right and where did we go wrong.   Try to assess the bad as well as the good, and through that try to see where we go next.

Just over a year ago I listed six resolutions so lets see how I did

1. To achieve solvency - Fail, I am slightly less broke than I was a yea ago, but still up to my (very nicely shaven) armpits in it.
2. To take of one day each month solely for my own edification - Fail I have been to some very good and interesting exhibitions, but I have not managed the regularity I had hoped for, I will continue to try to do this as when I do I do find it helps.
3. To spend quality time with my wife, to restore our relationship and to get better at communicating - Fail, big time on every count.   I gave up conducting my local Brass Band to have more time, somehow it was never going to be enough, I think I never really understood what our relationship was actually based on, and the only thing that we have managed to communicate between us is that my wife no longer wants to be with me.   well as they say some you lose, and some you lose.
4. To enjoy Paula, but not let her take over - not sure how I have done here, a year ago I knew Paula was an important part of me, a part I could not suppress but was fearful that she might take over and that somehow I would lose some of what is the essential me.   I was not prepared to kill off Paul to allow Paula to take over.   I have spent a lot more time as Paula, I have enjoyed that time, as always I have felt a sense of loss when I have cleaned off the make up and got changed, I don't think this is about the clothes or the make up, I think it is about me being authentic.   For a long time now I have been saying that this is not something I do, it is something I am.   I am now reassessing what that means, what it means to be trans gendered, and more to the point what it means to me.   I think that I no longer spend time as Paula, I am just as much (or possibly more) Paula as I am Paul it's just that sometimes I wear different clothes.   Now I need to work out what if anything I am going to do about it.
5. To perform as Paula - yeh at last I can put up a big Success! I have played with the LGSO on several occasions, I have played with the LSW band and more recently I have played with the Pelly Orchestra.   In many, many ways these concerts have been the highlights of my year.
6. To play more music - some success, I have been listening more I have managed to retune y radios so that on occassion they will now play Radio 3 and Classic fm, but there is just so much music and so little time.

So some limited success, the previous year I managed to achieve five out of my six resolutions, maybe I set the bar too high.

Another helping of icecream?

Joey has been writing about how much (or little) of ourselves we reveal through our blogs, and not sleeping, well I have always suspected that I have revealed a little more about myself than might be truly healthy on a public platform.   And just at the moment I have a lot to reveal, don't worry this is not about to turn into one of those blogs, it's just that a lot has been going on.   Rather than create one really long post and then not have anything to write about for a few days I will be drip feeding a little bit at a time.

Friday night we had a six hour worship event at our Church, this is the second of these we have had, maybe I was predisposed to a touch of depression but at one point it dawned on me that meant twelve hours of musical worship that I had not been asked to be a part of.   I told myself that it was not about me, but about Jesus, that Jesus is the Centre, and that I should be sorry for what I had made it (if you see what I have done there, well done!) but I found it very difficult to shake off the depression, after nearly three hours I was feeling tired and went home.

After a little television I went to bed, but just couldn't get to sleep, I couldn't stop the feelings of rejection ricocheting around my mind.   In the end I came downstairs and watched some more TV programmes (including the excellent Hornblower)  I had recorded.    Although I had dinner earlier before going out I did do a bit of snacking, this may be the best indication of my state of mind. I had

• 5 packets of crisps
• 1 bottle of wine
• 3 helpings of ice cream
• 2 choux buns
• several glasses of brandy
• some mini stolen.

I ended up going back to bed around 6 O'clock and managed a few hours sleep before having to get up.   I can't be sure what brought all this on, but of course being Friday there was not the thought of work the next day, I suspect that it could also have been building up since the previous day, which was our 21st wedding anniversary, some that was not acknowledged but anyone except me.

Dirty Washing

During the time I have been writing Paula's Place I have often written on the subject of marriage, indeed I have a page devoted to it.   These writing have always in general support of the institution of marriage, and the extension of it to be equal for all.   Have my recent difficulties changed my mind?

No, not in the least, they have convinced me that it is always wrong not to be totally truthful with a partner, and that it is important to keep communicating even when it gets difficult, but I would say that on balance I am still in favour of marriage.

However as I have now calmed down and had a chance of some refection I have no intention of airing our dirty washing public, so other than general observations I will not be writing any more on the subject.   I suspect that as I explore this new stage of my life I will have more than enough material to keep me going.

In the mean time over the next few days as things get sorted out and adjustments made, I may not be posting as regularly as I have been wont, I am sure you will all understand.

Fatasies

In passing the other day I mentioned that I toyed with some fantasies about what I might do if I were not constrained by the sensitivities of my family.   Well I suppose that this is a little like the bucket list that Stana recently put together.

• Get my ears pierced ~ not sure that I am "man enough" for this I don't like pain and I am very squeamish about piercings, contact lens and all sorts of silly things like that.
• Dye my hair, I have felt totally liberated since I abandoned the wig, and started just wearing my own hair. I am aware that this might be a potential area of dispute in the family but in male mode I prefer my hair longer rather than shorter, so it is not that big a step.  The perm was definitely pushing at the envelope of acceptability, and may not be repeated, but my fantasy was to have it dyed.   The one thing I really, really like about my wig is the colour.   I was surprised because I thought my natural, original hair colour would suit me better but blond works, perhaps because it is about the same shade as the grey I have now naturally reached.
• Have somewhere to hang all Paula's clothes safely, it is a source of frustration that most of my female wardrobe is stored in suitcases in the garage. This means I have to plan so much in advance, make sure that all the bits of the outfit are properly assembled, and in the right place.   I can't go through my wardrobe trying different shoes with a dress, or different tops with a skirt, because they will be in different places.   I have to keep a mental note of what is where and make sure I have everything I need with me. ~ On Sunday as I got myself dressed I suddenly realised that I only had one breast with me where I was getting changed! having returned to the van and found the missing item, and having survived the experience I can now see the funny side, but at the time I can assure you I was not laughing!
• Getting dressed at home ~ one of our new ground rules is that I do not dress at home, so this one is right out, but it would make life so much easier, and safer if I could get ready at home and then go out, I don't want to push my luck but I am hoping that I may be allowed to come in after the others are in bed to get changed, somehow it seems even worse late at night. 

So nothing particularly drastic in the greater scheme of things but things that would have made my life a little easier and more pleasant, on the other I think that the things that we have agreed on are going to be of much more benefit so I am not sorry, and I willingly choose not to have these things that I would like in favour of prolonging our marriage, and who knows, maybe I can negotiate for some of these later.

A Little Better

Well I'm pleased to be able to report that things are not quite as bad as I thought.   We have both had a chance to consider our positions and have decided that we will work at making our marriage and our parenting work, and more to the point, work together.

Having taken into consideration our financial situation my wife has agreed to some compromises and some ground rules.   This will in some ways curtail some of Paula's activities, but not as substantially as I feared, and I have also "won" some concessions.   For me the idea is very much that we can start functioning as a couple and a family again, rather than separate people who just happen to share a house.   We have also agreed to review the situation regularly.

Regular readers will know how important marriage, and therefore our marriage is to me, so I am glad that we have been able to pull back from the brink.   I will confess that when I thought we were going to break up I did have a few fantasies about what I could do if I were not constrained but sober reflections tells me that much of this is just fantasy and is left that way.

We have agreed a strategy, now we just have to make sure that we stick to it this time, we have made these sorts of agreements before and allowed them to slip and then get back into our old bad habits, not sure but this could be our last best chance.

If Only

If only it was that easy, it looks like my wife is determined to go ahead with a separation.   I am sad but not totally surprised or in many ways disappointed.   I am confused and worried, not least about how we will manage it.   At the moment we can barely afford to run one household we have no chance of running two unless at least one of us changes job, or miraculously clears all our debt, and just at the moment I can't see either of those things happening.

I have no great wish to go into details, but yes Paula is an issue in this, but not the sole one, sadly I think our marriage has just run it's course and over the twenty years we have become different people, and maybe neither of us was quite the person the other thought we were from the start.

For now my prime concern has to be the welfare of our daughter, although she seems pretty cool with the whole thing I have yet to talk with her in depth about  what her expectations are.

BANG!

Sometimes life can be a bitch! As a couple we have been going through a lot of problems over the last year or so, I thought we were getting through it, recently my wife has been very "frosty" giving me the silent treatment and breaking some of our agreements.   Yesterday she dropped the bombshell she wants to separate.   I don't.   I am still committed to our marriage, clearly she is not.   I don't know how this will work out, and I can't see how it can, either way.   I'm not sure that we can live together apart, and I know we cannot afford two homes, add to that I am working so hard I'm too tired to think creatively, at least our daughter seems fairly happy at the moment and pretty cool with the whole thing.

In as much as I can have a plan I intend to concentrate on making sure that our daughter feels loved and assure her that she has a stable and loving father who will continue "to be there for her".   I just hope that our counsellor will be of some help.

Bizarrely my horoscope this morning

Virgo (August 23-September 22): You know the crazy head-trips you go on when get involved with someone who doesn’t really excite you. Somehow, you think you owe it to yourself––or them––to keep trying, but sometimes the best move is to get away as fast as you can. Sure, be thorough, but not masochistic. If you’re not feeling it now, don’t force yourself.

I don't normally go in for this sort of thing but had a look this morning after seeing Cyrsti's post.

Good News

Yesterday the House of Commons voted in favour of same sex marriage.   This, of course, does not mean that it is law yet, there are still quite a few hurdles to be negotiated, not least the House of Lords.   I believe that in many ways the Bill is fundamentally flawed, but this is basically good news.   This means that in future marriage will be an option for all, it also means that for existing married couples where one of the partners transitions they can remain married.   I think this is an issue about equality, it is not about Theology or faith, it has been made quite clear in the Bill that most faith groups have a choice about whether they conduct these marriages or not, further because of it's unique constitutional position the Church of England is specifically excluded from conducting any same sex marriages.   Interestingly one of the flaws in the Bill is that the Church in Wales is also excluded, whoever drafted the legislation seems to have over looked the simple fact that unlike the Church of England the Church in Wales is not established.   There is still a lot of opposition to this Bill, but I suspect and hope that now this stage has gone trough the passage will be easier.

Many of the objections to same sex marriage are based on Christian teaching, yet this is not as clear as many would make us think, indeed biblical teaching on marriage altogether is rather fluid, it is difficult to separate out the teachings of church and culture against what it actually says in the Bible.   However even if a Church believes that homosexuality is sinful, in a modern secular society that is not a reason to not allow a practise.   Surely if we believe in marriage then we should make it available to all, an expression of love commitment and exclusivity.   Far too many marriages fail, but that is no argument against marriage itself, maybe once we have made marriage available to all we can also make civil partnerships available to all as well.

There are many things that worry me about our politics and our politicians here in the UK, the determined anti Europe stand of many, the unthinking dislike (verging on hate) of immigration and immigrants, the failure to address the widening gulf between the wealthiest and the poorest, the ping pong with our education system, I could (and often do) go on, but the point is I am no fan of our elected representatives so it is good to find they have done something I approve of.

It's just not Fair

Cristi Hart (what ever she may say about Stana a blogging superstar in her own right) has brought to my attention a post by Helen Boyd author of My Husband Betty on the en Gender blog

Basically she says points out that what ever we do about being trans it effects other people, and most of all our spouses.   Any form of trans activity is selfish, and what ever we do about it, transition, occasional outings, or hiding in the closet at home, it does effect and probably hurt those we love (or should) most.   I suppose this is the main reason why I am only semi out, the effect that my activities have on my wife are not good.   She now accepts that this is a part of me, and that it will happen, but it hurts and our relationship will never be the same again.   Just as if I had engaged in an affair, I might be accepted and allowed but the hurt is there and the damage done.

So today I joined in an event to try and diminish Homophobia and Transphobia, maybe by being open and "out there" we can slowly change preconceptions.   However as the event was quite local and involved a number of people who don't know, or know about Paula I was in drab.   I don't like showing people who have only so far met Paula "him" but the potential embarrassment for my wife of allowing some of the others meet Paula outweighed all other considerations.

Otherwise I will admit to feeling a little down as I won't have an opportunity to dress now until next Sunday's rehearsal (if I am lucky) and I do miss it.

Final Session, the boot's on the other foot

Getting away from my current shoe theme; tonight (Tuesday) we have what is scheduled as our final counselling session.   I don't think every thing in our marriage has been resolved, but we are on the way.   This is a good thing, I think it is a shame that we let things get so bad before we acted, and also that we needed some one from outside to show us how bad it was and what we needed to do, it's just that sometimes and outsider is exactly what we do need.

This afternoon we (all three of us) are also going to a family therapy session I may or I may not write more about this later as I want to be fair to my daughter.   I don't know if my trans nature will come up, I know my daughter knows I also know that however much I want to talk about this she does not, at least not yet.   It grieves me that the two people who are most important to me cannot be involved in this important part of my life, no of me.

Whatever happens I am glad to say that our counsellors are much better than Cliff


To try and tie my two themes together I did a google search on "Wedding Shoes" these are some of the pictures I liked

 

Reasons to be Cheerfull

I did say I would come back to some of what happened at our counselling session the other night, well a lot happened that I have been thinking about, but the main two things are that my wife has accepted that this is a part of me, and that she has been continuing to do some research.   A while back Sky produced a documentary "Transvestite Wives" this is now available on line and clearly my wife has watched this.   After watching it initially she said to me that she could never do that, i.e. go out with me dressed, and even helping with choosing clothes etc.   On Tuesday night she said that she was not ready to that, not yet anyway, maybe when our daughter has left home.   Now to me that is pretty positive on two levels.  One that she can envisage a higher level of acceptance, and two that she is planning to stay with me after our daughter leaves home (as will inevitably happen one day), this is a relief as I will admit I was not too sure about her long term plans.

We also agreed that we will talk about this, but she needs to make some decisions, primarily about hw much she wants to know.   This is a strange area as on one hand she feels that what she deosn't know can't hurt her, b ut at the same time the feeling of being lyed to hurts.   I have tended to adopt a don't ask don't tell policy, but was able to reasure my wife that I have tried not to lie, but have not always told the whole truth.   By that I mean I was always where I said I was, with who I said I was with, just not necesarily how I was dressed.   Most of the time she knows I am sure.   Today I am going to the RA to see the Manet exhibition, Paula will be going and I am sure that my wife understands that, but it has not been said.

On Monday night we will be having our first"games" night, this is designed to get us sitting down together playing backgammon and talking over the board.   I am sure it will be fun, it will help us grw back together and maybe the talking will help us both.

Anyway enough of the heavy stuff, back to the LBD, the last offering did not get universal approval, s here is another for your approval.   This is a jersey knit dress with a high neck with three buttons at the back (of the neck) long sleeves and a slightly longer, nicely full asymetric skirt.   Is this better?   By the way I think black shoes would be better with any of the LBDs