Euphemistic?

A couple of times I have mentioned the stats we get from Blogger showing how many visits we get, these stats also show which posts have been visited. This week I'm a little surprised to see that four people have looked at one of my posts from April 2014, Euphonia, Euphonium, Euphonious, so I went back had a look at it myself. In that time a lot has changed, indeed almost everything referred to in that post has changed.

One of the stand out things is that I comment that I will be playing "as Paula" this puts it firmly into my "still cross dressing but trying to work it all out days", in those days I was as concerned about what I would wear to a concert as what I was playing. Earlier and I would not have dared go out and perform, later and there would have been no "as" these days it's very much just me.

My lovely big B & S
5 valve CC. Still very much part 
of the family since
January last year

Then I notice I refer to the "London Euphonia Orchestra" as a new orchestra ~ well of course back in 2014 they were new, but now may consider themselves to be reasonably established. I played with them twice before I lost patience with the inexperience of the leader and conductor. This is one of those many musical groups which seem to be founded primarily to give one person the opportunity to conduct. For us conductors I know it can be difficult to get that first gig, but this is not the way to get experience. I remember at the final rehearsal for that first concert with them the leader was still trying to sort out the bowings (something which should have been settled five weeks beforehand) and the conductor hadn't worked out how to set up his stand! I am sure that both will have improved beyond measure by now, but at that point I didn't need to be the one training them!

I'm not so sure about orchestras but I often muse that there are too many concert bands (in South London at least) as there are simply not enough heavy brass (horns, trombones, euphonium and tuba) player to go round them all. I suspect that a large part of this is the number of bands again formed to give somebody a conducting opportunity. In the last couple of years I know I have played in at least four that fall within this category. I suppose I shouldn't complain, after they do give me plenty of playing opportunities!

Not my new Euphonium, 
but one quite similar

Maybe if we had a few less bands then the ones that are left would be full of players and not constantly trying to recruit or poach the few decent players of the more "esoteric" instruments in the area.

Finally, those instruments ~ I do still have that euphonium, but only for a few days, and the big CC has gone, replaced by an even bigger but much less shinny CC. I have bought the replacement for the old euphonium, and have today taken it in for a service and a simple repair before using it in anger. Once I get it back I will be passing the old one on to a friend.

I have also recently bought a new EEb tuba, I have mentioned it before but haven't actually shown any pictures, mostly because I haven't taken any! It is quite an unusual instrument a Besson four valve compensating instrument, but with front valves rather than upright. I have only ever come across one other tuba player using one ~ and I think that was probably a different model. Designed primarily as an Orchestral instrument it works well in bands as much as it does in the orchestra. I'll be honest I think I'm in love with it, it just seems to work well in every environment I play in, and looks as good as it sounds.

I still haven't taken any photos of it so here is a stock photo of the same model ~ isn't it pretty!

Not really what I wanted ~ Part 3

So this should be the third and final part of my little history, at the end of part 2 I had skimmed through the four and a half years between my first visit to my GP and my Gender affirming surgery, with a few extra little insights into the complications of being a transgender adult. For trans people these days that will feel like serious fast tracking ~ the system, the NHS is failing us!

I haven't mentioned anything about the extended prayer sessions at my church which were tantamount to "Pray the Gay away" or conversion therapy ~ having said that I do believe that prayers are answered and that my transition is an answer to those prayers; I haven't spoken about the loss, the loss of status, teh loss of privilege, the loss of respect, the loss of my Church Family; I haven't spoken about the existential anxiety, the periods when the only way out seemed to be death, or the times when death seemed preferable to carrying on. I tend to not to bang on about this stuff because it is my nature to enjoy life, and to try to help others enjoy life. Generally I find it hard to resist the temptation to try to be funny ~ but a lot of this stuff simply isn't funny!

I haven't spoken about the incredible confusion over my own sexuality ~ all the time the World experience me as a man, I was very much heterosexual ~ indeed this contributed to my gender confusion, how could I be a woman when I fancied women and enjoyed a fully physical and fulfilling sexual life? I couldn't imagine myself in anything other than a heterosexual relationship. When I gave way to the inevitable and gave up the attempt to live as a man, I really didn't know what would happen to my sex life. I did know that I was married and that what happened next was not solely up to me. As it turned out neither of us is a lesbian, and had absolutely no interest in each other sexually any more. Added to that I was amazed the first time I looked at a man and thought "I would"! After we separated I will admit to a few fumbling experiments ~ but every man I came across wanted to make love to me as a man in a dress rather than a woman who was equipped differently. Although I still had a sex drive this was profoundly unsatisfying.

One of the unexpected benefits of Gender Affirming Surgery  for me has been the total absence of testosterone and the departure of my sex drive, gone, farewell, left the building! I do not miss it at all, if I were 20 years younger I might feel differently, I might have made different decisions, but I'm not. Now I'm in my mid 60s it's quite nice to not worry about or chase sexual experiences. These days I self identify as functionally asexual, but heteroromantic ~ or to put it in simpler terms, I'd like a cuddle from a nice man, but that's it. I'm sorry to bang on about something so personal, but the object here is to try to convey something of what we go through under that rather vague heading of transition.

I was mourning the fact that coming out is never finished, I suspect that transition is never finished either. I have recently completed the final (I hope) piece of documentation and have obtained a Gender Recognition Certificate or GRC. There has been A LOT of twaddle talked about these over the last couple of years.  My GRC will not have any impact at all on my access to single sex spaces ~ I am, and have been for many years, already using the women's toilets, changing rooms, gym ~ it will not have any impact on my ability to get elected to political office, if all women short lists were still a thing they were not effected by GRCs. Disappointingly it will not allow me to retire earlier, to pay less tax or National Insurance, it does NOT make me a worse driver!

As far as I can work out there is only one thing that a GRC does do, it changes my birth certificate! That means should I decide to remarry to a man, then it will not be a single sex marriage, it means that if I need to go into care I should be guaranteed the appropriate care however confused I might be at the time, it means that my death certificate will show me as female and that any processes and ceremonies will be appropriate. IT WILL NOT IMPACT ON ANY RIGHTS OF ANY OTHER WOMAN!

So, I have been through a lot to get to where I am today, it has involved fighting with bureaucracy, it has involved extensive medical consultations, (most of which should be unnecessary), it has involved constantly having to justify my existence, demonstrating that I know who I am ~ and then having to prove it. It has involved loss, it has involved confusion, deep introverted self analysis, it has involved multiple existential crisis's. It has involved pretty much my whole life and for a good ten to fifteen years has been the paramount concern of my life. It has changed my relationships with my family, with my friends and with the world.

I cannot stress enough that this is not a situation where we wake up one morning and think "I'll be a woman now" ~ nothing is rushed, nothing is easy, and nothing is getting better for those who are coming behind me!

For most of my life I would not admit to myself that I might be trans, then when I finally accepted it I regretted it "Why should this happen to ME?" I really wanted to be cis one way or another. I didn't want to have to go through all this just to be who I am ~ I don't think anybody would choose this! But now I am reconciled, I don't understand why I am like this, but I rejoice that God has given me this gift ~ yes I now see this as a gift from God, an answer to prayer ~ I have had opportunities and experiences that few other women my age could even imagine, I have seen and experienced life in a way that no other man really could. I can now be a help and guide to others who are going through all of this, and I can be an example to others. Most of all by now I think I am the best me I can be, I have more self confidence than ever, I am finally able to express myself artistically and help others in their own musical journeys.

But to go through all of this and for others to casually undermine everything about me with a casual insult is unacceptable. To then be told that it is my fault for getting upset by the insult is unacceptable ~ so much progress has been made in other fields against victim blaming, this is no different. This is why I get upset when somebody uses my dead name, why I get upset when somebody deliberately miss genders me. This is why I get upset when I see reports in the media miss representing transgender people, as monsters, freaks, sexual predators, as threats to society.

Nobody can make you trans ~ only God can do that, and only He knows why ~ you cannot catch Trans (you can catch trains they're different!), There is no such thing as Rapid Onset Trans, it is how we are born, it just takes different people a different amount of time to come to terms with it. When you come across a trans woman (you probably won't realise when you meet a trans man!) and you are unsure how to behave, just treat them the same as any other woman. If you are still in doubt, very few people will mind if you ask POLITELY. 

RIGHT! I think that is the end of my extended rant, when I started this I wasn't sure where I was going with it, it has just rather happened! I know these last few posts have been longer and dryer than my usual. I don't want to set myself up as some sort of trans guru, neither do I want sympathy for what has happened, my motivation in telling this story is to try to broaden understanding. I know many of my readers already understand, many from personal experience ~ although just like everybody else all trans people are different and all our experiences are different, we will also all share common ground. I'm not doing this to preach to the choir. I do know that some people read Paula's Place because they have encountered me as a gardener, as a musician, even as an ex rugby player, if this soul bearing helps broaden understanding and helps people to understand something of what it means to be trans, then that's great ~ if not I'll try to find some more pretty pictures for my next post! 

Not really what I wanted ~ Part 2

I'm doing this as a series, simply as to do it all in one post would be far too long, so here goes with part 2. At the end of Part 1 I had been referred to the London Gender Identity Clinic in October 2013, I had also reminisced about earlier life and how I had given up the struggle of trying to be a man.

After starting my coming out process in the middle of 2014, by the beginning of 2015 I had begun to live full time as Paula, I made a legal change of name, but could do very little else as to change gender markers on passports or Drivers License needs a Doctor's letter. It wasn't until December 2014 that I had my first official contact from the London GIC 15 months after my referral, at the time I was horrified as I tried to negotiate life as a woman with no medical help ~ these days that same clinic is currently offering first appointments to people referred in January 2018 that's 59 months, not to the appointment, to the appointment being offered!

I had my first appointment in April 2015, this first appointment is just an initial chat and assessment, pretty much the same as I had already had with the local mental health team. ~ The specialists one sees at a GIC are psychiatrists, even though Gender Dysphoria or no longer considered a mental disorder. ~ It was at my second appointment right at the end of November 2015 that my treatment began with a prescription for oestrogen, this was a big thing, but by then I had separated from my wife, sold my home and moved to a studio back in Croydon, I had changed my legal name, got a new passport and driving license, and had been living full time as a woman for almost a full year. It would not be until December 2018 that they managed to get my dose correct, the same month that I had my gender affirming surgery.

During these years I didn't just have to come to terms with being a woman, understanding what that means, I didn't just have to have a very condensed growing up period with all the angst, failures, misery and joy that involves ~ how many people do you know who go through puberty in their 50s? ~ I didn't just have to deal with the vagaries of  identity and administration, I didn't just have to negotiate all those people who didn't understand or simply choose to be hateful. I didn't just have to keep explaining to other people who and what I am. I also had to accept that I am part of Queer culture, that as far as much of society is concerned I am an outlier, somebody who has to constantly justify my very existence.

By the end of 2018 I had made pretty much all of the changes necessary, official documents, banks, building societies, insurance companies, pension companies, pension funds with former employers,  But every now and then something will come up that I've overlooked, maybe somebody I haven't seen for a while, or a letter addressed to my dead name. Often the worse is telephone calls where they simply won't believe I am who I say I am. Last year I had my credit cards stolen from an ATM, because an operator at one of the credit companies did not believe I was who I said I was while trying to report the card stolen an extra £200 was taken out of the account. ~ I got the money back but it was so much hassle and so stressful!

I often observe that coming out is a process rather than an action, by now I had hoped that it would no longer be necessary, that I wouldn't have to still be going through this and that people shouldn't need to know.

Not really what I wanted ~ Part 1

Although Paula's Place started out very much as a "Trans" Blog I have been trying to get it to reflect the fullness of all aspects of my life and interests, but I can't always resist the need to convey to "civilians" some of what it means to be trans. I had a couple of interesting exchanges over the weekend that brought this particularly to mind.

"Cross the Line" Jazz/blues band

I was playing with my fabulous blues band, supporting a charitable craft faire, a few people were working very hard to raise some funds for a worthy cause, so we helped ~ it's what we do!

I was wearing lace up high heel knee boots, black leggings and a black roll neck sweater, with "Christmas" earrings and my usual (pretty and very feminine) rings, so when I was called a gentleman I didn't react too well ~ I told the woman concerned that she was not being polite but incredibly rude and explained that if she wanted to be that archaic then the term should be lady! There were difficulties getting our gear onto the stage, so I will admit I was distracted and not in a particularly good mood. There was somebody else there who I have known for nearly 30 years, I see her occasionally, and has chosen to totally ignore me, to not even acknowledge my presence. Of these two I'm not sure which is the most offensive. I suppose that the miss gendering could be considered an error, but the blanking is a deliberate choice to insult!

 A little later I was told off for being a bit harsh ~ WOW I wasn't sure how to react to that! In consequence I'm not sure how coherent my reply was, so here goes with a more considered reaction, it may help others understand why we can be sensitive.

• Do not blame the victim of abuse for defending themselves! Remember who the injured party is, victim blaming happens all the time, from the victim of rape being told that it's her fault for wearing a short skirt, to the knifing victim being told they looked like they might be in a gang. Civilised people understand they shouldn't do this, but very often our civilisation is only a veneer and we make mistakes.
• Do not make light of the hurt caused! If we deflect with a joke or other light hearted response we are denying that we have been abused. If we are hurt we have to acknowledge the hurt, we have to show that the behaviour causing that hurt is not acceptable. If we are not honest about that hurt and tell the abuser how they have hurt us but make light of it we risk them not understanding what they have done, and therefore leaving them free to do it again, or they might misunderstand our response as a direct insult. Replying to an insult with an insult is conflict, and can lead to worse. Correcting and showing the hurt is more constructive, if unpleasant.
• To misgender somebody, to use the wrong pronouns, or to dead name them (use the name they were known by before transition) is to tell them that their entire identity is wrong, that you know who they are better than they do themselves, that they are invalid.
• To simply ignore somebody is just rude!
• Try to understand why this is abuse! this is the harder bit, and I'm about to go on an extended ramble about what it means to be trans and what we go through ~ well in this case me anyway.

Years ago, back in 2013, after my cross dressing had already destroyed my marriage, I finally got round to asking for some help. I went to my GP, and I was lucky, he was prepared to take me seriously, and checked to find out what the protocol was, back in those days the first bit of door keeping came in the form of a referral to the local mental health team. So off I trot to Bromley to see a "shrink" this was because the opinion at the time was that being trans was a mental disorder, and the first thing to check was was I capable of making decisions! Only after I had been certified sane could my GP then refer me to the London Gender Identity Clinic ~ Phew I could now start my journey properly.

Bare in mind that all this time I was living two lives, for example I have checked my old diary and find that I was at that time playing with the London Charity Orchestra, the All Souls Orchestra (Evangelistic Evangelical Christian Orchestra) and the London Gay Symphony Orchestra ~ apart from being the three best amateur orchestras in London two of them are usually mutually exclusive! I was going to a Trans and Cross Dresser support group while trying to lead a Church home bible study group. I was busy, but in many ways I was struggling, struggling to know how I fitted in, who I was, how was I going to live!

By June 2014 the cracks were beginning to show big time, and I came out to all of my musical contacts and after that point all of my music played as Paula! Although I was already out to a select few friends looking back I think this was the proper start to my coming out process.

The start of coming out, not the start of being trans! That started when I was born ~ just like everybody else I was not born a man or a woman, I was born a baby! But as long as I can remember I had a confusion about who I was, how was I male when I felt female? I wasn't particularly attracted to traditional female roles, but I still knew that I had a very strong female nature, I was not in the least feminine but still needed to release my femininity. Prepuberty this took the form of role play games, imagination games etc. later it extended into furtive cross dressing and crying myself to sleep most nights. It seems strange looking back now, but I assumed that depression and confusion were just part of growing up ~ I often observe that I was very rarely happy at school, I less often admit that I was very rarely happy! 

Everything saw, everything heard told me that IT WAS WRONG ~ there were jokes about traveling in ladies underwear, cross dressers were ridiculed, the only trans person I heard about was April Ashley  and the way the media of teh time treated her made me even more frightened of admitting to "this thing" so at some point I made the decision that as I couldn't do anything about it I would simply have to try to be the best man I could be. Let me make it clear I have never wanted to be a woman, I wanted to be a man, I tried really, really hard to be a man, I devoted the vast majority of my life to trying to be a man ~ in the end I simply could not do it.

To be continued:-

Call me Madam!

Miss Gender is not an apocryphal character, or some strange sort of beauty pageant, it is that awful moment when somebody uses the wrong, inappropriate pronouns, using he or him instead of she or her. Obviously this particularly affects trans people who have transitioned. Some people will do this deliberately to show their disapproval, some will do it deliberately to inflict hurt and pain, others again will just slip up, but which ever of these groups the perpetrator falls within the pain is the same and very real.   I suspect most of those people who are guilty of this do not realise just how painful it is to the trans person when they are miss gendered, but it can really hurt!.

Sir! really?!

The pain this causes is very real, it can stop somebody being able to work properly, it will prevent them being able to contribute within any environment, it undermines any sense of self confidence.   I don't know if people who are not Trans can understand this pain that is regularly inflicted on many trans people through the use of pronouns of the wrong gender or their old (dead) name.   Indeed the reason I am writing this now is so that those of you who do read this will get some idea of why we complain when it happens, hoping that a better understanding will encourage more effort to stop doing it yourself, and better still, offer support, championing and defense of your trans friends when somebody does it to them.

For many Trans people the use of their dead name is a painful reminder of the life of internal conflict that they have left behind, it can trigger memories best left in the past; it is also a denial of their transition.  It is a very, very big thing to get together the courage to transition, it involves a lot of burning bridges, lost relationships, for many it can mean marriage break up, loss of work, lost friends, and financial hardship.   It takes a lot of emotional energy, it involves expense, time and mental strain. It is not something anybody does lightly, or on a whim. It is not a lifestyle choice! It is a total change in how we relate to the world, and how we want the world to relate to us ~ to use the dead name or the wrong pronoun is to tell us that all of this means nothing! It is a denial of our very being, our identity, our sense of self.

Surely it's pretty obvious!

It is not only painful to the person directly miss gendered, it is painful to all Trans people as it feels like a denial of our very being, the existence of being Trans as a valid identity, of our ability to understand our selves.

Every Trans person I know experiences this from time to time. Many will experience it at work (even though they should be supported by HR departments etc.) but since I am self employed for me it is mostly either people who knew me before I started my transition and have difficulty either accepting it, or remembering it, or on the telephone.  

Let me make it quite clear, while I can understand the odd slip, that does not make it acceptable.

If I have to correct somebody once I can understand, even though it still hurts, if it happens a second time then it feels like a deliberate insult.   Over the last week or so I have had a lot of telephone conversations about an insurance claim I have going on, I am quite sure that my voice confuses a lot of people, when they hear me on the phone (particularly when I have a cold) they can feel that my voice does not match what they expect somebody with my name and title should sound like, therefore I tend to be asked more identification questions than other people, I will have to confirm that yes that is my name, and yes I am the policyholder. This is exasperating, I understand the confusion, but understanding is not the same as acceptance, I do find it annoying, and if after all that they get my pronouns wrong then it is plain insulting!

Please don't do it, and please don't allow other people to do it!

A little problem

I have not been around much the last week or so, I have had I.T. and other problems, I have also just realised that unless I work a ridiculous number of hours I simply am not making enough money.   I have decided to put up my hourly rate ~ to something still pretty low, especially compared with a plumber! Having made the decision I then couldn't act on it as I needed the computer to write the letter to my customers putting up my charges!

Well I now I have my computer back, but am reminded of another problem.   This machine was provided for me by one of my customers, from time to time I have been doing consultancy work for him, but have known him for nearly 25 years.   However for the last couple of years since I started my transition he is the only person who has refused to accept me, and has been continuing to use my "Dead name" (Jargon buster! the "dead name" is the name a trans person was given at birth alongside their assigned gender, when we have transitioned we take on a new name to reflect our authentic gender).   It is possible that he does not realise just how upsetting this is, however it is not possible that it is anything other than a deliberate act, and one that I now find profoundly upsetting.

In short I have decided that I am no longer prepared to accept this behaviour, and so I sending an e-mail today explaining why this is so insulting, undermining my whole sense of self, and telling him firmly that I will no longer respond to that name.   This may be another bridge burnt, I hope not, but by now I was not anticipating still having these sorts of battles.   I think it just serves to underline my assertion that coming out, and transition are both processes not actions.

It's all a matter of Choice

I know I've not been around here much recently, not much I can plead except the usual busy, busy busy.   This is a bit of a shame as there has been a lot going on and I am sure that you would have all enjoyed my insights on personal, local, national and international events. I am sorry that I have deprived you by my absence, that has not been by choice.

However here in the UK we have been exercising choice, and have made quite a momentous one. This is the first time we have had a referendum and not voted for the Status Quo, we await developments, but the one thing we know for certain is that we face a minimum of three or four years of uncertainty, and of course the one thing guaranteed to upset any economy is uncertainty.

The situation with my Mother is another where there is a lot of uncertainty, it now seems pretty certain that my brothers and I have to face up to making a decision that will change my Mother's life, as well as our own.   All around me the there is change, my own, my Family, my Country, My Continent. So much change, so much uncertainty and now so much hurt.

With attacks around the World there are so many death, whether it is in France, Turkey, the USA, Iraq or Syria at amounts to lives snatched away, families broken.

I coudl choose to be depressed, worried and pessamistic.

However I choose to focus on the good, the opportunities, the chance for reconciliation, and personally the most important of all my Family.    I heard this morning of a friend of a friend who came out as gay yesterday to his family, they have totally rejected him, this is so painful, that these attitudes persist in the UK to this day is a concern, almost as much as the personal hurt that has been inflicted.   So I choose to focus on the acceptance and love shown to me by my family, my Brothers have been fantastic, as has my Sister-in-Law. My Cousins are fine, and my Daughter is fantastic. Even my Mother-in-Law and the person who has the most right to reject me (my wife) have been fantastic!

It was so good to share a trip to Hampton Court Flower show with my wife last week, it may well be the highlight of my year so far.

Blessed

We seem to be having a bit of an epidemic of high profile transitions recently, Caitlin Jenner over in
the States, Kellie Maloney, and now India Willoughby, I am glad that these ladies find that it is now possible to come out, be authentically who they are yet still remain in the spot light of publicity. It is good for all of us that they are able to come out in public, tell their story, and so help to normalise the whole concept of being Transgender.

However I am a little sad that so much of the coverage dwells so much upon the anguish that our situation can give rise to.   It is great that so often at the end of the story we get the "Now I'm the person I always knew I was I'm so happy" bit. But there is so much more.

By being Trans I have had some wonderful experiences that very few women of my generation could have had.   I am quite sure that any 13 year old girl who wanted to play the Tuba would have been heavily discouraged, or even prevented.   In those days girls played the Flute, Oboe or Violin, my Youth Orchestra had a couple of girls who played trumpet and that was considered to be worthy of comment!   Through playing music I have met so many wonderful people and been to wonderful places.   There have been times when my music has kept me sane, it is a gift to be able to play, and a gift that is a joy to share with others.

Equally, although England ladies are the current Rugby World Cup holders, ladies of my generation did not play Rugby, they made the tea! I'm not sure about the friendships I may or may not have made playing Rugby, since none of them could be described as current! However I loved playing the game, and now I love watching it.

In those days anything involving quite that level of physicality would not have been encouraged, or indeed even available.

Women now play very good Rugby, in many ways a purer form of the game than many men's teams. Women seem to approach sport differently to men, striving to be the best they can, rather than simply to defeat the opponent.  In retrospect I think I played like a woman, although if anyone had suggested that at the time I would have been most offended.

When I started work although equal pay was a legal obligation it was still a very unequal world, women in senior positions were very much the exception, and I am quite sure that some of the career opportunities I had would not have been as open to me had I been recognised as a woman.

But perhaps more than any of these I have an insight into both the male and female that few (although a growing number) people will ever enjoy.   As my journey progresses I increasingly feel that rather than having been deprived of the opportunity to live authentically as a woman, have been blessed to experience so much, thathas been denied to most people.

Didn't we have a lovely time?

As it happened the weather on Saturday was not ideal for a picnic, but that didn't stop at least a couple of dozen of us meeting up in Kensington Gardens for the first event organised under the banner of the Trans London Network,

Kensington Gardens in London

I met some old friends I haven't seen for a while, some I see regularly and also made some new friends. I was engaged in conversation so much that I didn't get a chance to eat anything while I was there.   Once again I was reminded just how much we come from all walks of life, that as trans people we reflect the diversity of society, and that often the only thing that units us is being trans.   Some of us are socially confident (or at least know how to appear to be) others are less so, some are young and look a bit scary, some of us are older and a bit conventional, with all this diversity it can be very difficult to be fully inclusive and engage some of those who will always find themselves on the fringes of society.   As people who require a degree of toleration surely we should be even more tolerant and inclusive than others.

Later in the Pavilion at the Serpentine Gallery

It was great to see people from right across London, a very wide age range, (although I was quite definitely at the older end of the range!)  and from varying social backgrounds.  It was rather fun to find another woman there who quite literally lives just round the corner from me, but I couldn't help but notice that we were all white!

I say I noticed but in fact I only realised later when I started to think about it and to ask how inclusive we actually are.   I do not believe that being trans is a white middle class experience, but maybe it is that group that is now finding it easier to be out, and that for others, in different social, and/or cultural groups it is still very difficult to be honest about themselves.   I am only scratching the surface of this thought but I do understand that in the US at least trans women of colour are much more at risk than white women.   In the UK and especially in London we are probably safer than most places in the World, but I do not know if that matches the experience of Trans Women of Colour.

If we do not know them, how can we know their plight (if indeed there is one) if they do not come forward and join our groups how do we know them?   Are we being too exclusive without even realising it? I don't know the answers, I don't even know if these are the right questions.

Out

Or in this context actually it's more about coming out than going out.   For those of you who are not fully aware for a trans person the difference is considerable, but maybe not the same as for civilians.

For more years than I care to think about I was a firmly closeted cross dresser, I would dress up in private, and then admire myself in the mirror or maybe even take a few photographs.   This was fun, exciting even, but ultimately unsatisfactory.   Like most girls like me from time to time I would be hit with a feeling of disgust at what I was doing ~ I suspect largely triggered by the two factors of the knowledge of societal disapproval and the suspicion of sexual perversion ~ I would then decide to stop doing this, and clear out everything associated with the activity, clothes, makeup, photos, the lot! PURGING!

Of course because this is not an activity the need returns and we succombe, but still the private dressing up is unsatisfactory, there is the need to be seen by other people.   For some of the wilder transvestites I wonder if it is a need to be admired, for me it was a need to be accepted.   So I would start to go out, visiting exhibitions, going shopping, just popping out for a coffee.   Since I could not indulge my activities at home I would find myself going out more and more, and as I did it became more and more natural.   But going out is very different to coming out.

Coming out is the process of telling people about yourself, what has been your deepest secret, at times the source of shame and self loathing.  It is not easy.   Having said that in almost every case where I have come out to somebody they have been accepting, supportive and loving.   I suspect many of my friends prefer me now I am no longer the hairy bloke!  Yet it is still never easy, in most of our lives we still have some taboo, some area we can not go, somebody that for one reason or another that we find we cannot tell.  I don't yet know if that ever changes.

What I have found out is that coming out is not an action it is a process.   I started telling people over two years ago, and yet even now that I am living full time in my chosen gender there are still people I am having tell for the first time.   I think that everybody who needs to know, knows, and then I find I need to change my name on some other listing and I have to go through it all again.

At least with me the changes are pretty obvious, for my Gay and Lesbian friends it must be even worse, dealing with disapproval, denial, hate, is never easy even if it is just the potential.   What we tend to forget is that it is not just those of us who identify within the LGBTQ continuum who find that from time to time we need to come out, at some point almost everybody will have to.   It may be a mental health issue, it may be an illness it may be a relationship, we all have to have these difficult conversation, but it is better to have these conversations than to keep quiet.

There have even been situations where it has been difficult to publicly own my faith, just like Peter when he denied even knowing Jesus, but I thank God that he, and the rest of the disciples were inspired by the Holy Spirit to come out, for it is their work, and their faith that we are still building on today, and that inspire me to be bold and witness to my faith, even when it doesn't make me popular.

Full Time?

There was a time in my life when the only meaning I associated with the term "Full Time" was the final whistle at the end of a Rugby Match.   I have moved on a bit since then, although I do miss being able to play the best of all games.

I remember the first support group meeting I went to, looking back on it I would admit that I was not really dressed appropriately, I think I may even have broken my golden rule about frightening the horses, even so I had a rather special evening associating with other girls, being out in public, in a safe environment.   I remember having a few surprises, there were a couple of girls who I could not believe were other than genetic and another couple who made me feel quite good about my own presentation, but we were all just ordinary people who found ourselves with an extraordinary condition.   One of my surprises was when one of the "more senior" ladies present asked me outright why I wasn't full time?

I can't remember if I had even heard the term used in this way before, but the meaning was quite clear, being rather surprised my reply was simply that I had family responsibilities, and thought little more about it.   Every now and then I hear about somebody announcing that they are going to go full time, or that they are now ready to.   Every now and then I find that I myself considering what would be involved in going full time.   Then yesterday I realised hat I actually have.

Without any conscious decision being made I have found that over this last week I have in effect gone full time.   Last week I went to both a rehearsal at my Church and a CIWM meeting authentically,   I also came out to my RSCM committee and the All Soul's Orchestra and have received nothing but support.

Then on Sunday evening I was scheduled to be playing with the worship band for our evening service, when it came to it I just couldn't bring myself to "butch up" and so didn't bother getting changed, just refreshed my lippy and went.   While in no way was I particularly flamboyant I would say that I was pretty obviously presenting female.   I don't know what I was expecting or indeed what I feared, but there was no drama, no lightening bolts, and not even any comments.   I suspect that my being trans in now such old news that everyone was just waiting for it happen!

I have now told so many of my customers that I have no idea who I haven't told.   A quick check tells me that basically it is now just my Mother and one  customer who are yet to be told.   I will not be telling my mother, and I will await the "Opportune moment" to tell my customer.

Rivers Crossed, Bridges Burnt

I think at some point in the past I may have observed coming out is not so much an actin as a process.   Gradually we have more and more of those "difficult conversations", and so gradually more and more people know the truth about us.   I suspect that I am not unusual in that I dread these conversations, the thought of having to explain and possibly justify myself to people who should respect me for who I am rather than how I choose to present myself.   I am in effect giving them the power of judgement over me, even though as a Christian I should know and act in the believe that there is only one who is my judge!

I always dread these conversations yet they are rarely if anything to worry about.   Yesterday evening I had an area committee meeting of a Christian music organisation I am a member of.   A couple of the other members of this committee are good friends I have known and loved for years, one of them more years than either of us are totally happy admitting to.    Thinking about the prospect of having to get into guy drag for the meeting made every fiber of my being rebel, and I knew that the time had come where I could no longer pretend, so I made the decision that I would go cross dressed as a man but would explain my situation to the committee under "any other business".

A Chartered Wastes Manager,
not wearing a grey suit!

One of the members is also a member of Christian Orchestra that I occasionally play in, Again I was not yet out to this orchestra, so in the morning I went on to their Facebook page and made an announcement!   So what was I frightened of, so far that facebook post has had 104 views, and I have had five messages, all of support.   Every single member of the committee welcomed me and offered their support and prayers.   Today I attended my first meeting of the Chartered Institute of Wastes Management authentically, and once again the only issue was one old friend commented that he didn't recognise me until I spoke!

Off the top of my head I can no longer think of any group I am part of where I cannot now go authentically, there will of course be odd family situations, and the odd funeral where it may not be appropriate, but that particular process is now drawing towards an end ~ and I thank God!

TV and the Trans Girl

During the period between Christmas and new year I had very little work that I could get on with not much in the way of rehearsals or performances and very little inclination to do much anyway.   So like a lot of other people I ended up watching quite a lot of television, there was a lot of good stuff being shown I enjoyed some excellent films and some first rate shows.

Those that immediately come to mind are "The World's Fastest Indian", I originally recorded this as I am a bit of a bike nut, but enjoyed it for the simple goodness of the central character, and the sympathetic portrayal by Chris Williams of a Trans Woman.   I am a little peeved that so often the character seems to be referred too as a transvestite, when the script makes it quite clear that she is, and identifies as a woman, even gently correcting Anthony Hopkins' central character on the point.

I loved watching the Gruffalo again, this brought back such happy memories of reading this book to my daughter when she was little, it was one of our favorites, I had to do accents for all the different animals (surprisingly similar to the ones chosen for the film) and each time the phrase came up she would join in with the "doesn't he know, there's no such thing as a Gruffalo!"   For similar reasons I also enjoyed Room on the Broom ~ sometimes I think Childrens books and films are too good for children!

Doctor Who is for me now more a part of Christmas Day than the Queen's Speech, and Miranda was so funny I think I wet myself laughing.   Of course there was a lot of other stuff I watched and enjoyed, and some that I watched and wondered why I had bothered, but I suspect that for many of us the stand out piece of television over the holiday period was David Walliams the "Boy in the Dress"

Of course I enjoyed this on a personal level, I enjoyed the contrast between the camp overacting of the adults against the simple realism of the children, I enjoyed the characters, and the storyline, most of all I enjoyed that children enjoyed it.

While at Church this morning a curious and confident boy asked me why I was wearing lipstick (somehow this was what he noticed rather than the earstuds sparkly ring or nail polish), not wanting to go into all the complications of gender and what that meant to me, I could simply ask him if he had watched a lot of television over Christmas and of course he had.   Had he watched "The boy in the Dress" and of course he had, so I could just say well some people are more comfortable like that and I am one of them.   He was quite happy with that as an explanation and was quite happy with me.   Somehow kids totally get it most of the women I talk to totally get it, it's just some of the men who are uncomfortable or don't understand.

I wonder if this is because they feel that somehow their own masculinity is undermined, or as one of my cis sisters opined they may be frightened that by be attracted to a trans woman their own sexuality might be in question.   Either way I have decided that my behaviour is not going to be influenced by what others may expect of me, but by my doing my best to be the best me I can be and to grow into the person God made me to be. 

Retrospective Introspection

The New Year always seems to me to be a period of both reflection and anticipation, of looking back as well as forward.   In no way am I immune from this and I find that during this short period of hiatus between finishing work for Christmas and going back after the New Year I am particularly  prone to this sort of navel gazing.

So where have I ended up this year, well as a starter I am around the same weight that I was at this time last year so that's not too bad. Two years ago I made series of resolutions, if I remember correctly I failed to manage around half of them, last year I decided not to make resolutions, not to set myself up for a fail, rather I just gave myself the simple aspiration to be more authentic.   Over the last year I have taken to living more and more of my life authentically, indeed I have got to the point where it is only certain family and Church activities where I will still be cross dressing as a man.

I have been impressed and a little surprised by how well I have been accepted, certainly a couple of my Church friends have expressed sadness, and several surprise but no one has rejected me.

I have been referred to the GIC and hope to be hearing about my first appointment very soon, this has been a BIG DEAL to me, it is the outworking of the admission to myself of who I think I am, and the acceptance that I do need help with this.

I think I can say that I am now pretty much "out" I know coming out is a process not an action, but I am no longer denying or hiding who I am, neither am I taking out an advert in "The Times", I do suspect that for anyone who knows me not to know they must not be paying attention.

My big "gender" stride this last year has been to accept that I am a woman (whatever that means) now I have to work out what sort of a woman I am.

Being the Best

I have only been away for a couple of days, but there is so much to catch up with.   To my shame I did leave some washing up to be done, and now I have giant pile of laundry to d as well.   I also realise just how addicted I have become to on line comics, blogs and Face Book.   If I were stuck in doors all the time on my own maybe this would be more understandable, but I do have a life, indeed I probably have enough for two or three.

I have work to do in my garden and around the house, I have too go to the bank, take down the Christmas Tree, do some practise before this evenings rehearsal, set up a couple of meetings and write up a couple of quotes.   Yet I know that if  I do not make myself do it I will happily waste hours sat at my computer.   I wonder if I gain some feeling of self worth by the number of hits I get here at Paula's Place, if some how I feel more validated if people "like" my Face Book post.   These thoughts are prompted by Rebecca's post on "With and Open Heart" where she writes about that feeling of not being good enough.

This is a problem that many of us will have experienced. A lot of self analysis tells me that in my case its tarted when I was very young, I was always told that I was not as good as my brothers, not as intelligent, not as good at sport, not as good a singer, in short never good enough.   Add to this my Mother's inability to show love and my fathers regular absence due to work I grew up feeling rejected and unworthy.   I have always done reasonably well at anything I have done, I was reasonably good academically, I was reasonably good at my chosen sport, and I am a reasonably good musician, yet I have always had the feeling at the back of my mind that one day I was going to be found out.

This feeling was always strongest playing music, every time I went on stage I would be nervous, not about my level of performance, I have always understood my technical ability, no I was nervous that I would be "found out" that somehow I was not a real musician and didn't have a right to be there on the platform with all these other "real musicians".   I think that these feelings I think that these feelings insinuated themselves into every aspect of my life, I would often deliberately aim low to avoid the possibility of failing, and of course this would mean that I never fully achieved my potential.

My fear of rejection would mean that I would always try to do and be what I thought other people wanted, I think that this is one of the reasons that I was so frightened of living my live authentically, indeed of even admitting to myself never mind anyone else that I might have "Gender Issues"   The very idea of going off on a tangent on my own, of publicly owning up to being different was to court rejection, to admit to being not god enough, it was simply not an option.

It was only when I began to understand who I am as a chosen, adopted child of God that I started to realise who I could become.   God's love tells me that I am good enough, good enough for him to love me, good enough to be worth saving, good enough to be welcomed to his table.   Understanding that I can then begin to understand that I have as much right too be on that stage as anyone else.   I have the right, indeed the responsibility to be fully the person God made me.

I may not be the best musician, gardener or writer in the world, and I never will be, but I can be the best me in the world.   Now I know Gods love I can start to love myself and work at being me.

Complimented

I'm feeling very complimented at the moment, Stana runs one of the (if not the) most read transgender blogs there is.   Femulate has over 5,000 hits per day, I'm lucky if have 300 so I feel rather complimented to have been featured on Femulate last week.  Indeed it has been a very encouraging week, during which I have received some very nice compliments.

Over the week I came out to some more of my friends at Church reactions have varied from a couple of blokes who were rather confused and haven't quite worked out all their questions yet to a couple of ladies who were just happy that I felt I could tell them as they had already worked it out from Facebook.  

The really nice thing is that this is the group I have most worried about telling, my Church family is important to me and I hate the thought of leaving them, and I hate the thought of being rejected by them even more, yet everybody I have told so far has been accepting, if not yet totally understanding.   Given that my Church is an Evangelical Charismatic church committed to spirit led worship in the modern idiom (Happy Clappy!) this is all particularly encouraging.   Evangelical Christians can so easily become intolerant and socially conservative that they are often seen as the enemy of the unconventional.   My personal experience so far has been good, but I do expect one or two members of my Church to either reject and refuse to try to understand, or worse still try to "cure" me.   I hope I am wrong.

On Sunday after the service I was complimented on my hair by a friend who was actually encouraging me to think about having it coloured, as if I haven't been tempted enough! On Saturday afternoon I was complimented about the way I lead our ceremony of remembrance, then on Saturday evening I was complimented not only on my playing but also on my legs and my sparklies.

I have even had a couple of very nice comments here, so thank you all.  It is always very nice to be told that you look good, or that you have done something well, sometimes it is forgotten how much this will encourage and build someone up as well.  I am feeling very loved, very appreciated and have had my self confidence boosted.

Knowing how much I have enjoyed being complimented I am now going to make a conscious effort to pass a compliment when I have the opportunity, to build up and encourage my friends, rather than grab an opportunity to try to be funny at somebody else's expense.   After all it's nice to good, but it's good to be nice.

Turning Green

Just for a change I having a very busy weekend, I had a lovely time on Friday evening having dinner and catching up with an old friend, although I have only seen her once or twice in the twenty to thirty years we just picked up where we left off all those years ago.   We had an evening of chat and some more serious conversation, which was all helped along with copious quantities of wine.   Fortunately it had already been arranged that I would make use of her spare room over night so it wasn't actually until after lunch that I left.

Getting outside to the van I was a little confused by a pool of liquid in the footwell until I realised that a large tub of green wood stain had spit in the back and had run everywhere!  

Today I have the Autumn concert with the LGSO and will have to go and get changed and sort myself out to be in town on time before long.  I still have all the joy, effort, glamour and challenge of an afternoon rehearsal and evening concert to go and already I have had an exceptional weekend, one little high light was getting home yesterday afternoon and meeting one of my neighbours.

I had only come out to her a couple of weeks ago, but she is totally accepting, indeed she almost seems happy to have a neighbour to chat to about "girlie" things, we discussed my upcoming holiday and the preparation for it, she encouraged me to get my legs and chest waxed, I'm just not sure that I am up to the pain, she also recommended a nail colour, then dashed upstairs and came back with a bottle of the recommended colour for me.   Little gifts like this mean so much, it makes me feel as though I am being inducted into the feminine communion, or as Cyrsti would say I am feeling very welcomed to the Girls end of the Sandbox.

Not the only one in the Village

I'm a little surprised, but highly gratified with all the interest in my musings on swimsuits, obviously this is a problem area for girls like me, and I strongly suspect that the easiest way to stop it being a problem is simply to not go swimming.   However I have come across a couple of projects specifically aimed at finding safe environments for trans people to be able to go swimming.   One of them quite close to where I live.   I hope that they manage, and I for one will be supporting them.

I am actually quite surprised at just how many organisations and projects for trans people there are around, indeed I am still quite surprised at how many trans people there are around.   After so many years thinking that I was the only one, that I was both alone and weird, frightened of admitting who I felt I was or expressing my femininity. Now I find we are everywhere, I see trans people in all walks of life some bold and "out there" others just quietly getting on with their lives.

The more we come out, the more visible we are, the more we are seen as normal safe people, then the easier it will be for future generations to act early and not go through or create the suffering of earlyer generations.

Curry Night

It has been a bit of a hectic week already, some good some bad, but to echo one of my earlier posts I'm still standing.   When Gloria broke down on Wednesday I was at my wits end, I just didn't know what to do, there was no plan B.   At that point God took over, and he generally always manages things much better than I do, I am not out of the woods but at least I am back on the right path, and can see the light where the trees thin out into "green pastures".

Last night I had arranged to have dinner with a good friend of mine from Church at our local pub, we try to do this every now and then to have an uninhibited chat and catch up.   When I got out of my afternoon meeting I had a text message from him saying "I look forward to seeing you at 8. Dress as you wish but please leave the tuba at home" Now he is one of the few men at my Church who I have spoken to about being trans, but like the others he had yet to meet Paula.   I took this message as being quite clear that he meant it would be fine for me to come "en femme" and so I had to decide just exactly how I was going to present, what to wear?   Would a dress be too much, would jeans and a tee be too casual, might I just look like an effeminate man?   I didn't want to look like a tart, I wanted to express my femininity, yet I also had to allow for this being a pub, and the added issue was that the weather was a bit iffy and I would have to walk or catch a bus since Gloria is still in dry dock, so no heels!

Last night's outfit

In the end I decided on a nice simple top, skinny jeans and boots, with a denim jacket and black shoulder bag.   I think this was more or less right clearly feminine but not too stand out, and in no way inappropriate for the occasion or the location.   I was glad that I had given the matter a decent amount of thought and come up with something I was happy with as while there I bumped into two other friends!

One is a chap who occasionally plays in the LGSO and so only knows Paula, we haven't seen each other for while so it was nice to have a quick catch up.   Then I bumped into a lady from Church, interestingly I have not said anything to her, but she showed no surprise but embraced me (literally) and said how pleased she was to see me!   There were some other (male) friends from Church there as well, (it was Curry Night) but I really just didn't feel ready to confront them last night without any warning.   Sometimes I wonder if I am fantasising in thinking that people don't know, maybe they are just too polite to say anything.

It's a Wonderful Life

There is so much that I enjoy about life, my life that it is just plain silly to get "down".

This week one of the Cannas I bought at last year's Wisley festival has come into to flower, and is every bit as beautiful as I had hoped it would be.   My favorite phlox (Bright eyes) is in full pomp and the Hibiscus is coming into flower.   I have a full diary of work, the sun is out (most of the time) I have good friends, just about everybody I have spoken to about my transition has been very supportive, positive or at the very least indifferent.


So why does a simple lack of money make me so fed up!   I do seriously worry about how much longer I can continue with such a hand to mouth existence, there is a constant balancing act working out which bill to pay when, can I afford to fill the van up with fuel or will I just have to put in a splash until that cheque clears.   I know that there are plenty of people out there in much worse situations, it's just the unrelenting, continuous drag that gets me down.   There is light at the end of the tunnel, but from here the end of the tunnel looks a long way off.

In the mean time I am determined to make the most of what I have and am looking forward to enjoying the Trans PALS club night on Saturday and dinner with my friend next Thursday.