Fit for Nothing

On my way to rehearsal last night Mr Google (or I suppose that should really be MS Google as the app is blessed with a female voice) took me on a very different route to any of the many I am used to. Apart from just how many possible routes through South London there are, the main thing that struck me was just how many open green spaces I passed. I have spent my entire life so far living in South East London so can't really comment authoritatively on any other places, but I think we are truly blessed. I am now in my seventh decade and my seventh home when I moved into my current flat I didn't even think about how close it was to a park, every other place I had lived quite literally had a park just across the road, and a bigger one within easy walking distance. My major local park, and one of my "happy places" is Joseph Paxton's Masterpiece at the Crystal Palace ~ indeed this flat is the only place I have lived where I can't see the tower from at least one of my windows!

Back in 2014

At one time or another from all my previous abodes I would go for a run, it was an easy matter to just run round my local park for a varying number of times depending on my fitness level at the time and the size of the park. I no longer have a convenient park of any size and my knees are pretty much shot so trying to get a bit fitter by going for a run is no longer an option. I am a member of a local gym, and so far I have been the sort of member they like, I keep paying my subscription but rarely turn up and use the facilities, every time I start to get into the habit of regular work outs something seems to happen that prevents me, the latest being my wrist RSI, well it is now sufficiently better for me to start going again, and I have thoroughly enjoyed a couple of visits, this time I am determined to get a bit fitter. 

"The Stodge" 2024

Now I have stopped work, and it is many a year since I have tried to play rugby I don't have any activities that help with my natural levels of fitness, or indeed my weight. Over the last couple of years a good couple of stone (28 pounds) has gradually added itself, mostly around my tummy. It's not just that I am fed up with seeing this fat woman looking back at me from the mirror, it's not just that I'm fed up with so many of my favourite clothes no longer fitting, while both of these do matter to me the main one is that I know I am unfit, I get tired too quickly, I can't play long low notes for as long as I used to and I'm just finding more things I can no longer do as easily as I should. Realistically I have another twenty or so years so I want to enjoy them to the full, and at least in part that means getting fitter again, so I am determined to start getting better value for money from my gym membership!

More Musings

 At the moment I seem to keep passing milestones, and today is no exception. It is both a sobering and an encouraging day, for today I have received the first payment of my state pension. ~ I won't be living a life of luxury on it, but alongside my small occupational pension it does mean I will be able to live at some level of financial security. For me financial security is not something I have experienced for any substantial period of time having spent the majority of my career self employed, I hope to use these next few years to pursue some of the things that give me most satisfaction, making music, watching rugby, cooking (and eating) good food, and enjoying time with friends.

While indulging in the last two of those the other day two of us were considering our musical careers over the years and how different factors had impacted them, my lunch companion observed that whenever I referred to myself  in my pre transition days I either used my "dead name" or "Him" never "me". I have noticed this in other trans women as well, it is an interesting phenonium. I am generally quite careful of language (especially when in conversation with those I have not known for long) I  will talk of my days as a chorister ~ not as a choir boy, or when I was a child; I might refer to other girls but not other boys. I am also well known for referring to my pretransition days as "in another life". This is not because I don't know who I was or how the world experienced me back then, it's more because I don't want to screw with other people's minds too much.

Fat and Ugly?

Yet I suspect that there is also an element of disassociation as well, as though somehow prior to transition I was not really me. Now I am very proud of some of my achievements back then, I am proud of my music and of my sporting achievements ~ maybe not an Olympic gold medal but I certainly fulfilled my potential as a rugby player ~ of course most of all I am proud to be the father of a wonderful talented young woman. Yet often some of these almost feel as though they happened to somebody else, maybe that's age as much as transition. Often it is difficult or impossible to remember what it was like before, how I felt, how I acted, or indeed even how I dressed. 

I do remember that I always had a very poor self image, I was a fat child and have always thought of myself as fat, I have also always thought of myself as unattractive ~ how much of that is associated with my dysphoria I can't say ~ yet looking back on old photos I can see that I was neither.

On the other hand I know that now I am fat! I am also feeling extremely unfit and would have been going to the gym if it wasn't for this injury to my wrist. I have now finally seen a physiotherapist, and yes it is an RSI from playing the tuba! I have strained some tendons and have been given a regime to follow, hopefully I will be able to get back to playing the tuba soon, fortunately my next performance was always scheduled to be on trombone but I know that all the time I'm not playing or practising is going to be very difficult to make up for before the next flurry of performances.

Points of view

Cheese rolling, Coopers Hill 2018

Here in the UK we have all sorts of quaint old fashioned traditions, things like cheese rolling in Gloucestershire, Morris Dancing (no cars were harming in making this post) and burning the Pope in effigy (it's actually worse than it sounds!). But not all of our traditional pursuits are ridiculous or dangerous, after all through our sporting endeavours we have given the World football, golf, cricket, rugby, and I am sure many others. But some never made it to the international stage.

Thank goodness the Atherstone Ball game is one of those that didn't make it. An annual event played every shrove Tuesday in the pretty midlands town of Atherstone, it all started in 1199 and doesn't appear to have changed much since then. The rules are simple, basically whoever is in possession of the ball at the end of the game (05:00 pm) is the winner, oh yes and competitors are not allowed to kill each other!  Since we are now in Lent we have just had the 823rd playing of the game, such an historic event of course gets widely reported, here we have two reports on the match, first from the BBC  Atherstone Shrove Tuesday ball game marks 823rd event - BBC News and here from the Metro https://api.metro.co.uk/video/brutal-end-atherstone-ball-game-2023-lads-hurt-annual-tradition-2882959/  Both reporting on the same event, but clearly from different perspectives.

There have been a few times when I have attended an event or sports game, and when I later read reports wondered if the reporter had actually been to the same event. On one occasion I read a review of a concert I had played in and it criticked a piece we didn't even play! 

I suppose the point of all this is that your view of something all depends on how you approach it, a quaint and charming tradition, or licensed thuggery ~ and of course it is the same in politics. Today Kier Stammer the leader of the UK Labour party announced his five core missions for government if elected, from my perspective they are a bit bland centerish Tory Light, to my brother they will be far left dangerous socialism ~ we approach from different points of view.

It has always been the case that people will approach events or situations from different stand points after all we all have different formative experiences and different attitudes, but it does seem to me that over the last few years views have become polarised and entrenched. I would like to see a bit more nuance, a bit  more openness to alternative views, a bit more compassion, and perhaps acceptance of the simple idea that sometimes "I don't know" is a perfectly good and rational answer.

A little bit of Finn Russell magic goes a long way

On Saturday Wales will be playing England at Rugby in the Six Nations, at the moment I am quite sure that one of my brothers thinks that England will win, and that the other thinks Wales will. For my part I just suspect that it will be the worst game of the championship. 

At the beginning of the Six Nations, I thought France were going to kick up a level ready for the World Cup and would win a Grand Slam, I thought the new coach Steve Borthwick would have an immediate positive effect on the squad  and England would win three matches, with Scotland fulfilling their usual role of promising much and delivering little. Clearly I was wrong on all fronts, maybe I was just approaching it from the wrong perspective.

It's only a game?

For once during February I am taking about a game that's not rugby. I am actually writing this during an orchestra rehearsal while the rest are playing a piece I'm not in. This means I am missing today's England vs Italy match and won't know the result until I get home and watch the recording. Whatever the result I'm not sure I would ever refer to a rugby international as "only a game". My subject here is of course the wizard lady's latest product, or rather the kerfuffle about it in social media.

If you know me you won't be surprised to hear that I will not be buying it. I can hardly say I am boycotting it as I have never bought a computer game, not ever, not even once in my entire life. Would I boycott it if I did play computer games ~ well probably, but given would make me a different person who knows?

I have heard the argument for boycott as basically how can one morally support a product and help further enrich a person who's views are unpalatable and has no compunction in expressing those views?

Then there are two arguments against a boycott, first is simply "I want it, I'm going to buy it, and that's as far as I'm going to think about it. This is of course a difficult stance to argue with as it is based entirely upon satisfying a personal desire. The second is that a lot of other people have engaged and invested in producing this game, why should they be penalised simply for the views of one person within the team?

I have indeed used this same argument against the current boycotting of kevin Spacey films. "American Beauty" and "The Shipping News" are two if my favorite films with many excellent performances in front of and behind the camera. A friend of mine was involved with the music for Shipping News and is if course not getting any royalties from it now it no longer gets broadcast. I think this is a little different though, Kevin Spacey has yet to be demonstrated to have done anything wrong, at the moment we just have accusations ~ it may be different after the case has been heard.

Further, at the time of production there were no suggestions (as far as I can find out) of inappropriate behaviour by Spacey, he was a leading light of his profession, and a respected member of society. Everyone who was involved with these films, productions at the old Vic, and his honorary degree had no idea that years later he would be accused of inappropriate behaviour. In the same way I'm quite sure that the recording engineers and members of the "Glitter Band" were unaware of Paul Gadd's particular sexual tastes. (if they were then shame on them). In the case of RKR her views are well known, and were being proudly broadcast far and wide well before any work started on this game.

Anyone who has been unaware of RKR's transphobia and antisemitism cannot have been living anywhere in the English speaking world for at least the last three years. This leads me to the conclusion that anyone who has worked on this game knows but either doesn't care, or agrees with her.

I'm old enough to remember that in the 1960s and 70s we would not buy Spanish oranges or sherry in protest at General Franco's continued dictatorship. From '67 - '74 Greek olives and retsina were off the meno because of the Greek Junta. Likewise who wanted to support apartheid by buying South African goods before 1994? None of these were legal impositions, our governments didn't ban them like they did with Rhodesia (over the illegal declaration of UDI not there appalling treatment of indigenous people) we made moral decisions based on what we knew about the regimes in question.

I think all that some of my trans siblings are doing is asking you to make a moral choice here as well. Personally I think that whenever we make any purchases we should to some extent be making moral choices, what we do with our money is the surest indication of our values. 

Shows what I know!

Stuart Hogg doing what he does best

"Well that shows what I know" was my first thought after watching Saturday's rugby, I called both games wrong, I thought Wales would be closer to Ireland, and I thought England would be too strong for Scotland. Instead Ireland were imperious, and Scotland were simply smarter than England. England were a little disjointed and failed to capitalise on their domination of territory and possession. But, as senior players return I think they will improve throughout the tournament. I think I will stick with my overall predictions for now, possibly just reversing Wales and Scotland ~ I really want this to be Scotland's year they are just so much fun to watch. 

I know that to many some aspects of my life can be a little, erm, "odd"? I find myself in a number of minorities, as a musician, within the world of music as a orchestral instrumentalist, being self employed, and a gardener and a musician at that. but of course the major one is as a Transgender Woman. That is the minority that is most noticeable, although frankly the vast majority of people either don't notice or don't care. I have recently been revisiting an area of my life that I thought I had left behind, and I am surprised just how much it has impacted me.

I am thinking about my male past, my rugby playing dirty joke telling past, where maybe I tried just a little too hard at times to display my masculinity. I know I want to be a complete person, and I know that means coming to terms with who I was ~ not least because that person is part of what has made me who I am now. I suspect that I've said all this before, but my recent musings have lead to a bit of a crises. Not so much of dysphoria (although it too has raised it's ugly head), but almost an existential crises of who am I? and why am I?

Some of this was following my recent visits to my old rugby club, maybe a bit of it to the posting of an old photo of "Him" ~ that certainly took more out of me than I expected!

A while back I wrote about the need for role models, pioneers, people who by showing what they could be, showed us what we could be. But this doesn't need to be in the past tense, I still need my role models to understand how I will age as a trans woman, how I will cope as the little bit of glamour I retain fades. I can't survive simply on fabulousness! When I was recuperating from my surgery I purge watched, and then read "Tales of the City" and I think in Mrs Madrigal I may have found one, a woman who had no family of her own, but created one for herself around her. A woman of a certain age who although enjoying company was emotionally self sufficient. A woman who was not closed to the idea of romantic connection, but did not require it. A woman who kept a small photo of a mystery man from her past in her rooms. In case you haven't read these books or seen the excellent TV series I won't go into too much detail, but will suggest you do!

Mrs Madrigal is the inspiration behind the couple of photos I keep on display in my flat of "him" ~ not the one I shared the other day, but ones displaying slightly less testosterone! I probably won't share many others of "him" here, but as there was some speculation about just exactly which of those fine looking gentleman, is no longer a gentleman I will put you out of your misery with this one. 

Taken nearly forty years ago by a photographer from the local paper on my first team debut.

Being Authentic

 So, after yesterday's rant we shall resume normal service.

I like Blogs, not just my own but those of my friends as well. Some are real friends, friends I meet up with and share a coffee or a pint with, some I've only met once or twice, and some (like Stana and JJ) friends I've never met, but would like to. One of my friends who falls into the first category has just started a fascinating blog, I strongly recommend a visit to "I am Kim" there is some serious stuff there, well written and poignant.  

Another Blog I follow, Cyrsti's Condo sparked a train of thought this morning, a train of thought that has ended up with this post. Like me Cyrsti is a fan of a rather masculine contact sport, in her case American Football, in my case Rugby Union. I have recently renewed contact with my old club here in Croydon, I am enjoying the rugby I've seen  even though it's very different from my playing days. 

He's still part of me somewhere

I played for my club over about 25 years ~ sure I had a few years out for injury (that's another story) but it's still a long time. I played for every team including the under 16s and the veterans at one time or another and captained all of them except the first team. It is undeniably my club, and rugby is undeniably one of my passions. So why, I ask myself did it take me so long just to go there and watch a game? 

Certainly part of it was fear, not of physical abuse, but of what sort of reaction I might get from my old team mates, or indeed the current active club members. Part of it was also down to being so busy all the time. Rugby tends to be played on Saturdays, so do concerts and since I stopped playing rugby I have been a lot more active in playing music. Some of it may also be competition with higher level matches being shown on TV, as I wrote here the Six Nations in coming up ~ that means a LOT of rugby to watch.

Just as authentic

While all of this is true, I wonder if what I was really frightened of was betraying my hidden masculinity. I spent the first 50 years of my life hiding my femininity, being very "Macho" and positively butch. Playing prop forward was possibly the ultimate expression of my masculinity. To go back and watch the very club I played for must force me to remember, to display my still present masculinity. In trying to blend so much as a woman, was I hiding who I used to be.

As transgender people we talk a lot about being our authentic selves, well, I now have to come to terms with there still being a rugby fan in that authentic self, and that everything I am now, is the sum of all of my experiences. I can't just throw away and deny those first fifty years, they are part of who I am now. So instead I am now choosing to celebrate them, rejoice that I had chances that most women my age never had, and rejoice that some of those chances are now open to young women when they weren't then.

To be my authentic self I have to embrace my old self as well as the new, it's all part of who I am today!

Putting that old photo up (the first time I've shared a photo of him)is part of my rehabilitation process, I no longer choose to hide who I was, just as I had to choose to show who I have become.

Six Nations preview ~ I hope I'm wrong

 The greatest annual sporting tournament is about to start, so it's time for me to throw in my pennyworth on the predictions front. In the Six Nations any team can beat any other team on any given day, but it is about hanging five good performances together to beat five good teams, that's what makes champions.

The best lose head prop in the World?

This year it looks as though injuries and infections might play a big part, with both England and Wales without their captains due to injury, the best lose head prop in the world currently isolating due to Covid and the next choice for England Captain side lined by concussion. Wales have all sorts of problems before they start, but Ireland are looking solid with the only fitness question being over Ian Henderson, 

Italy start the tournament against France, ~ arguably the weakest team against the strongest, England is the only Nation that Italy have yet to beat but they've not beaten France since 2013, and I can't see that changing this year. This is a tough start for Italy, then a week later they have to host an England team that will be either rampant, or angry. I think this is going to be another hard year for the Azury, I suspect that the best they can hope for is some good tries and good performances in defeat.

Every year I think "this could be Scotland's year" they have wonderful half backs, attacking options across the back line, and some strong forwards, last year they won the Calcutta Cup in a deserted Twickenham, even though they start their campaign at home and are now a serious challenge, England must still be the favorites, much will be made of the two star fly halves, both have mercurial talent, excellent vision and game control, they will be the stars, but, I think this game will be won and lost "up front". If Scotland lose the Calcutta Cup then it will be a long tournament fighting back for them, with a trip to Cardiff the next week.

The other game the first weekend is Ireland - Wales, this could be the game of the weekend the Irish are on a high after the Autumn, and very nearly at full strength, Wales are battered and bruised, with injury problems of their own, but they are the reigning champions with a point to prove, I think the outcome of this game could dictate who comes third or fourth.

So to my predictions

Italy ~ Last with no wins, at the moment they are simply not good enough, but they will battle valiantly and score some good tries.

Scotland ~ fifth with two wins, always entertaining, but lacking the strength in depth to  maintain their challenge across five matches.

Wales ~ fourth with three wins, they could equally well be champions, but I think they will suffer injuries, they already have 8 British and Irish Lions side lined, that's got to hurt any team.

Ireland ~ Third also with three wins, the Irish look like they are starting strong, they have some good second string players, they are rampant after the Autumn and the regions are doing well in Europe. So why only third? I just think that at the moment England and France have too much to offer.

England ~ Second with four wins. England are the real thing, they have beaten the best in the world and will again. With Marcus Smith the fly half question has finally been answered, the pack is awesome, not just big and strong, but with some super footballers there as well, with Itoji, Lawes, Marler and Sinkler there is no shortage of leaders, skill and dynamism. Sure there will be injury problems but the English strength in depth is second only to South Africa's

Antoine Dupont, the difference?

France ~ Grand Slam, I may regret this, it may go the other way and England get top spot, but I think there is one thing that separates France from the rest and that one thing is Dupont at scrum half, their forwards can challenge England, Ntamak is a world class fly half, but then so is Biggar, Smith, Sexton and Russell ~ Dupont just adds that extra bit of magic.

Having said all that last year Wales were 33/1 to be champions and they only missed a grand slam by a smidge. One injury, one kick, or one rain storm could change the whole tournament. But the trick is to play well over the five matches, establish some momentum and be clinical.

I hope I'm wrong, I'd like England to win, but I think this year it will be France

Is this acceptable?

I had a little breakthrough the other day, I went and watched a rugby match at my old club, and I really enjoyed the game. It must be the best part of 20 years since I last went and watched them, it's been on my to do list for a few years but events always seemed to conspire to prevent it. Now I've broken my duck I will be going back, in a couple of weeks they have another league match so I'll go up for that, and maybe see some old friends (and by now they will be old!)

Kyle Sinkler, England Prop

Thinking of rugby it tends to be the major point of discussion when I meet up with my Brother, we both played for the same school, club and often team, so there's a lot of common ground there. A few weeks ago we were musing around historic racist comments by high profile sports people, and looked back on our own past. When I first left school and joined the club I think we only had one black member, he was a good player and seemed to enjoy the "Banter" of an all male beery club environment, we all knew him by a racist nickname, and used it, to his face. I am quite sure that much of the "banter" was of a racist nature as well. As we thought about this we agreed that we were both sorry that we behaved in this way, we agreed that we definitely would not now, we agreed that we would not have and still do not perceive ourselves as racists, yet we had behaved in a racist manner. Should we be punished or called out for our behaviour 45 years ago? 

Maro Itoji

Just a few years after this, the same club, the same people, but we now had five or six black members, and the times had shifted, it no longer occurred to anyone that the sort of behaviour that was normal in the 70s would be acceptable in the 80s, which begs the question, why do some leading sports people still think that this might be acceptable in the 21st century?

I suppose that because it doesn't impact on my life I tend not to think much about racism, I probably think more about transphobia and misogyny, yet racism is still an evil that penetrates all aspects of life, Sophia has just written about racism amongst trans activists. I know of racism in the world of brass bands and orchestras. I recently listened to an excellent documentary on BBC Radio 4 about racism in Yorkshire County Cricket Club. We hear about racism in football, in tennis and I'm sure it is endemic in other sports as well.

Courtney Lawes

Sport is a reflection of the society we live in, which makes me think that so must be the racism, does it pervade every aspect of society? is it worse than it was? or are we now more aware and less tolerant of prejudice?

Certainly overt racism is no longer socially acceptable the way it was in the 60s and 70s, I no longer see racist comedy on the television, I see people of colour in positions of authority, in politics, in the media, actors and sports people, yet I still hear about use of racist slurs, casual racism as well as the sheer hate of the "other" as exemplified by the far right white supremacists. But is that a reflection of how people think or just of what they say. We still have the far right, they shout loud, but who are they speaking for, what sort of a following do they have? Just how big a problem is this?

More questions than answers I'm afraid.

I've used photos of three of England's finest rugby players of colour partly because they are all easy on the eye, partly because they are excellent examples to young men growing up, and party because the six nations is coming up and I will be writing about it soon!

Back to Normal

 Normal service is resumed! I'm going to be talking and watching a lot of sport today!

The second test against India started this morning and then this afternoon there will be two games in the Six Nations, with another tomorrow, so even though tomorrow I will be picking up a "new" washing machine this weekend I shall once again mostly be watching sport on TV

Courtney Lawes, back in the England starting 15

Last weekend I made a few observations, and I don't think I was too far out after the first round of matches. Ireland were perhaps better than I expected, even with only 14 players they were only two missed touch kicks away from winning, but to be fair wales did do their best to lose that game. I think Wales will struggle against a confident Scottish team, both teams are missing a few starters through injury, but I think Wales will feel the absences more, especially Lydiate. Last week Scotland controlled the game against England, their kicking was clever and ran the England Back three ragged, and their intensity and speed of play left the England team on the back foot and without the ball to play with. At the moment I can see Scotland in contention, if not for the championship or grand slam then at least for a triple crown.

France should be able to beat Ireland even though they were barely tested last week, they have so much talent and so much strength, Ireland's attack have little to bring to the table against the exciting young French team. Indeed, France must now be favorites to win this year's championship. Likewise England should not be troubled by Italy, indeed if England do not win at home by a substantial margin there will be calls for Eddie Jones head on a stake outside Twickenham.

So predictions for this weekend

England to beat Italy quite easily, but the backs need to score a hatful of tries to settle nerves.

France to beat Ireland, it may well be Irish kicks against French tries.

Scotland against Wales is the game to watch Scotland have home advantage and their tales up, but Wales have a wealth of experience, but I think that Scotland will just be too clever and too adventurous for what has become quite a boring Welsh team, so Scotland to edge it!

Meanwhile, is Joe Root the most complete cricketer around?

Now I'm off for a coffee

This weekend I will mostly be watching TV

I know that I am a woman of many parts, and I hope that is reflected here ~ none of us are just one thing, we all have a variety of interests, activities and relationships that come together to make us the complex fascinating people we are. But this is where I go of on one of my slightly more odd directions. 

I'm very pleased to be able to say I'm writing this while watching live test match cricket on free to air TV. The fabulous Joe Root has just got out after scoring a magnificent double century; if I'm beginning to lose you, enjoy the fact that he has adopted the number 66 and is a very good looking young man. You can also be reconciled that I'm not writing about cricket, no, something much more interesting ~ Rugby!

Today is the start of the Six Nations Championship, and I do like to stick my neck out with some predictions, that's particularly difficult this year as not much rugby has been played by quite a few key players. It would be very easy to say expect business as usual, but I'm looking forward to something a bit different this year.

Scotland are looking good! Finn Russel is over loaded with talent, if he can keep his temperament in control and make use of all the tools in his bag he can take apart the best of teams. With Stuart Hogg at full back and Cameron Redpath in the center the Scottish back line is looking more exciting than for a long time. With the Gray brothers and the Fagersons looking better than ever Scotland are my team to watch, but they have to play England at Twickenham as their first game, and that's a big ask.

France has shed loads of talent, and as they showed last year they can put out their second team and take on anyone in the world. Even with key players missing they are world class, and entertaining with it. It looks like the coaching team has come up with a consistent game plan and a way of imposing some discipline without stifling the players' self expression too much. If France can hold it together for five games then should be champions.

Kyle Sinckler (currently on a ban)

England are England, whatever they say about playing more entertaining rugby and using more attacking alternatives they will be pragmatic, they will use their forward power and destructive tacklers to grind down the opposition, and then take advantage of the cracks that will appear. The players I'm looking forward to seeing from England are Kyle Sinckler and Ellis Genge when you realise they are both props that will tell you a lot about both English rugby and me.

Wales and Ireland have both got to work out who they are! Both teams looked a bit shapeless to me before Christmas, they either have to try some new players and new ideas or go back to the old guard and abandon World Cup hopes. I think they will both be using this championship to sort themselves out, accepting that they will not be contenders.

Italy are no mugs but have simply failed to improve at the same rate as the other five nations. While I think we can expect some odd flashes of brilliance from Italy they just don't have the playing strength in depth to consistently compete at this level. Any team can beat any other in this championship but if Italy can win one game they will consider it a good year.

Who's going to win? England! in many ways I'd like to see France win, they play wonderful rugby, their players understand that rugby is a form of self expression and creativity, they have a strong pack and talented backs, but I think England have the temperament and the strength in depth to play out the five games, grinding down their opponents. England are relentless, and ruthless where France can still be reckless.

What ever happens I will enjoy it all! This weekend I will mostly be watch sport ~ and by sport I mean Rugby and Cricket!

Work, eat, sleep, repeat

My First Love

I've not been posting much so far this year, even though it was a promise to myself that I would start writing more again, largely because there hasn't been that much to write about. I do have to constantly remind myself that I am one of the lucky ones, ~ I can still go out and do one of my jobs (when it's not raining) so I can do something I love as well as see people. But even I am beginning to find it all a bit of drag.

Like so many others I have been eating and drinking a little too much, my regular evening these days is just sitting in front of some mindless TV with a glass (or two) of wine. ~ Well it's not good enough! Last night I rediscovered my first love, so I am determined that I will now start doing some regular practise so that when we are allowed collective music making again I won't embarrass myself too much! 

Having said that, this weekend I do have three Rugby matches to watch!

Fast Forward

Gratuitous photo of Courtney Lawes

Given the title of this post, and the date I would excuse anyone for thinking that this might be about this afternoon's Rugby, specifically about the skills and fitness of some of the big forwards.   Certainly I am in awe of some of the modern players, players like Itoje, Lawes and Moriarty, all playing at Twickenham today, gone are the days of big strong men (Donkeys), who's sole job is to push in the scrums, jump in lineouts and win the ball for the clever boys (the Girls) to play with.   The game has changed a lot since my day, and I will be enjoying every moment of this weekends big games.

No; recently I have been thinking about Lent, what it means to me, and how I should be responding.

In quite a few previous years like many other Christians I have fasted by denying myself something I want to consume, often I have selected alcohol as the item to be given up.  It would be pointless to give up chocolate, or biscuits as this would be too easy, I like biscuits and chocolate, but to not have them for a few weeks would not be difficult, it would not represent any form of self denial, and therefore it would not be a sacrifice.   For me the point of the Lenten fast is to deepen the understanding of sacrifice, and through that to build up to the great sacrifice of Good Friday, and then the victory of Easter Sunday.   To me this means that any fast needs to be significant ~ it also needs to be achievable!

I add the last bit because quite frankly I'm not sure that I will be able to deny myself any alcohol for all of this coming Lent.   It is Ash Wednesday this week, the beginning of Lent, and during this period I have five concerts, four Pride events, one support group meeting and of course the rest of the Six Nations!   Quite frankly I'm not sure I can do it ~ maybe I should be looking to something I could manage without but that would still be a sacrifice.   Lying in bed this morning I was considering giving up meat for Lent.   I'm quite sure that my daughter would approve of this, I'm also quite sure that I could do it, and that it would represent some serious self denial.

Last year I ended up not making a Lenten fast, and I do know that it made Easter feel a lot less  significant, I know that it made this period of the year no different to any other.   As an incidental I also noticed that my seasonal weight loss came a lot later in the year!

Maybe I should be thinking about adopted self control as a permanent live style choice; maybe I should follow the advise of Alan Franks, the Vicar of Ambridge and give up complaining.

What I do know is that I need to join a Church, I can't carry on visiting a variety of local churches, I need to make some sort of commitment; and that, for now, will be my Lenten project, find the Church that I am meant to be part of, and get back into the habit of regular Sunday attendance.

World Cup ~ The morning after

Part Two.

New Zealand's Toka Nadua touching down

Well England lost, and off course I am disappointed, but it was a fantastic game! So often finals simply fail to live up to the hype and can turn into a contest about who will make the least mistakes, and therefore be less adventurous and entertaining.   That was not the case last night, sure there was some pragmatic Rugby, but mostly there was adventure, there was physicality and there was a lot skill on display.   It is tempting to say that this was a good game ~ considering it was women, but this was a good game, no an excellent game, and one of the best final I remember.   Being partisan I am sorry that England didn't win, but as a Rugby enthusiast I am so glad that the women from both teams produced such a great spectacle and such a good close encounter.

England's Lydia Thompson running round in her try

Interestingly both teams played the style of Rugby that their Nations have become known for, but somehow by taking the testosterone out of the equation made for a better spectacle, not a worse one.  Certainly there are some areas of the game that can still be improved, most the kicking, but as an international sport Women's Rugby has arrived.

Indeed we have seen that the women show no lack of commitment, they have embraced the physicality of the game, and are showing some very good skills, but one thing they are displaying better than the men at the moment is the spirit in which the game is being played.   I did not get the impression at any point in the championship that winning was more important than the game, if I can be forgiven the expressions there was more sportsmanship than gamesmanship.

World Cup

Part one:~

As I write this England's women are the World Cup holders in both Cricket and Rugby.   In a couple of hours that could have changed, or it could not have.    I have a pizza in the oven a cold beer at my side as I settle down to watch the final of the Women's Rugby World Cup.

England's Emily Scarratt, This Girl Does!

I have really enjoyed watching this World Cup, of course Rugby is my game and has the added attraction that my Country always has a good chance of success.   This is the first time there has been proper coverage of the Women's game and it has been brilliant.   It is not just that England are better than most of the others, it is that there has been some excellent Rugby being played. I may have started to watch the competition as a way of supporting "The Sisterhood" but I have carried on because I love Rugby.

Sure some of the teams are not yet quite up to the standard set by the best, but isn't the case in all tournaments?  Certainly England and New Zealand, the finalist, are the pick of the bunch and the most complete teams, but that doesn't mean that some of the others are knocking hard on the door.   Indeed the France Vs England Semi Final was one of the best games of Rugby I have ever watched ~ period!

My Pizza is almost cooked and the match is about to begin after the Black Ferns perform their Hakka. SO far the only conclusion I have come to is that it is just as well that New Zealand don't win much in sport as their National Anthem is not one of the best tunes around!

Blessed

We seem to be having a bit of an epidemic of high profile transitions recently, Caitlin Jenner over in
the States, Kellie Maloney, and now India Willoughby, I am glad that these ladies find that it is now possible to come out, be authentically who they are yet still remain in the spot light of publicity. It is good for all of us that they are able to come out in public, tell their story, and so help to normalise the whole concept of being Transgender.

However I am a little sad that so much of the coverage dwells so much upon the anguish that our situation can give rise to.   It is great that so often at the end of the story we get the "Now I'm the person I always knew I was I'm so happy" bit. But there is so much more.

By being Trans I have had some wonderful experiences that very few women of my generation could have had.   I am quite sure that any 13 year old girl who wanted to play the Tuba would have been heavily discouraged, or even prevented.   In those days girls played the Flute, Oboe or Violin, my Youth Orchestra had a couple of girls who played trumpet and that was considered to be worthy of comment!   Through playing music I have met so many wonderful people and been to wonderful places.   There have been times when my music has kept me sane, it is a gift to be able to play, and a gift that is a joy to share with others.

Equally, although England ladies are the current Rugby World Cup holders, ladies of my generation did not play Rugby, they made the tea! I'm not sure about the friendships I may or may not have made playing Rugby, since none of them could be described as current! However I loved playing the game, and now I love watching it.

In those days anything involving quite that level of physicality would not have been encouraged, or indeed even available.

Women now play very good Rugby, in many ways a purer form of the game than many men's teams. Women seem to approach sport differently to men, striving to be the best they can, rather than simply to defeat the opponent.  In retrospect I think I played like a woman, although if anyone had suggested that at the time I would have been most offended.

When I started work although equal pay was a legal obligation it was still a very unequal world, women in senior positions were very much the exception, and I am quite sure that some of the career opportunities I had would not have been as open to me had I been recognised as a woman.

But perhaps more than any of these I have an insight into both the male and female that few (although a growing number) people will ever enjoy.   As my journey progresses I increasingly feel that rather than having been deprived of the opportunity to live authentically as a woman, have been blessed to experience so much, thathas been denied to most people.

Remembering my Dad

As a child I had little interest in sport of any kind, least of all soccer, on the other hand my father was passionate about all sport, especially soccer! Prior to the war he had played representative football for London and had played for Arsenal junior teams.   He had been a first class athlete, a very good cricketer and a decent golfer, any sport or game he played he played well, ending up as a bit of a demon at his village bridge club.

As a family our weekends would often revolve around Dad's sport, we would all go and watch him play cricket, or football, after he stopped playing meal times would be chosen to fit in with his tee times. When I was very young I just assumed this was the way things happened, latter it suited me very well as the timings of his sports would so often fit with my own activities. Saturday morning Rugby, and Sunday morning Orchestra rehearsals.   I also loved playing a round of golf with Dad, although he always beat me it was a rare chance to spend time alone with him, and really be together.   Having just moved I realised that I had only played golf twice since Dad died 23 years ago, I gave my clubs away ~ I hope somebody gets some good use out of them.

Back on the 30th June 1966 our family went on holiday; nothing remarkable in that, we travelled from South East London to the Kent coast near Margate by car. A journey which these days would take little more than 90 minutes, yet in those pre Motorway days would often take the whole day.   The morning would be spent loading up the car (a 1952 Humber Hawk) there would be suit cases, a hamper, rugs, picnic stuff and all sorts if things I was never quite aware of, then somehow all five, six or even seven of us (depending on the number of Grandparents joining us) would somehow be squeezed in.   On a good day we would stop at Canterbury for Lunch, on bad one it woudl eb Maidstone, certainly we would expect the journey to take all day, or at least that was how it seemed to an eight year old!

Pickles, and "Our 'Enery"

That day in 1966 Dad was very keen to get the journey done quicker, he wanted to be there by 3:00 p.m.   Up till then the World Cup had pretty much passed me by, I knew it was on as Dad and one of my brothers had been to watch a match, and I had noticed Pickles finding the stolen Jules Rimmet trophy just round the corner from where we lived, but it had not impacted on me in any way.  Well we managed to get to Birchington on time and as the flat we rented did not have a TV Dad and my Brother went downstairs to watch the England play West Germany in the final.   At some point Dad came upstairs and told us that we should come downstairs and watch, even if we weren't interested now we would be grateful in years to come.   I went downstairs and watched, my eldest Brother and Mother carried on unpacking.   Dad was right, even though I wasn't interested in the time, and now just don't like what football has turned into I am so glad to be able to say that, Yes I did see England win the WOrld Cup, I did see Geoff Hurst score his hat trick, I may have been young and not fully understood the importance  but I did see it.

So far I have manfully (!?) resisted writing about the current Rugby World Cup, I have more important personal things going on, and I have been disappointed in the lame performance of the European teams. I have watch most of the games,and there has been some wonderful Rugby played, but there has been little to light a fire in the belly of the home nation.   I shall be watching today's final, with little care as to who wins, but I expect to see a good game, I have no National bias as I always want to see both New Zealand and Australia lose!

It looks as though I will either be watching on my own, or at my new "Local" It feels a shame that very few people around here will be watching with the same enthusiasm, passion, and, national pride that we all had back in 1966.

What a Weekend?

Billy Twelvetrees

I have just got around to watching the England v France rugby international from yesterday, and all I can say is WOW.   If you don't know what I mean then there really isn't much point in trying to explain.   I am sure that every Rugby fan the world over will still be reeling from yesterday's games.  I think I will have to watch them all again now I know the results and haven't got the emotion to deal with to see if they really were as good as I thought the first time through.

Courtney Lawes

I know that this is not really a sport Blog, and that many of my regular readers may not count Rugby as one of their major interests so I will content myself with the thought that England may not have won the championship, but we do have the best looking players.

As I finally sit down at home at half past nine on Sunday night I can reflect that this weekend I have refelted a shed roof of eighteen square meters; had a discussion with another gardener on charging for waste removal; been out to dinner with a friend; cleared out my van: played a Gig on electric bass with my jazz band; unblocked a drain; done four loads of washing, played at an orchestral rehearsal and almost caught up with the washing up.

The trouble is that next week I have got just as much to do again as i have had this week.   I suspect that if I haven't learnt how to plan my life by now it is to late, ut somehow I have to find a way of doing less, while still doing the things I want to do.

This and That

At the end of another ludicrously busy week I will just make a few observations, nothing Earth shattering of course and nothing too thought out.   I am simply too busy and too tired to make the effort a well crafted thought out post really requires.

Last night after going swimming with TAGS I got home and watched the opening game of this year's Six Nations Championship.   An excellent match between Wales and England, made all the better b England winning!   Sure there were a couple of refereeing errors, or at least possible different interpretations of the laws, but overall they made no difference to the final outcome of the game.   I was pleased to see England get their campaign off to a winning start, but I think that any impartial rugby fans watching would have enjoyed the match, and come to the conclusion that Northern Hemisphere Rugby has a lot to offer.   I would question some of Stuart Lancaster's replacement decisions, but it is always difficult to criticise a winning coach.

During this week we have had a lot of political activity around business, with a group of Tory supporting business leaders announcing that a Labour victory in the upcoming general election would be a "Disaster".   This is of course pure political double speak,   Which ever party wins the election (unless it is Green, or the execrable UKIP) business along with everything else will carry on as usual.   The most we can hope for in most areas is a little tinkering around the edges, as a general principle all the major parties are so keen to occupy the center ground that they are frightened to do anything that will have much of a lasting impact.

The one area where this is not the case is our membership of the EU.   If the Tories do win with a majority we can expect another referendum on our membership with many leading members of the Conservative Party campaigning for us to leave.   Now that would be a disaster for British Business.   Membership of the EU is main thing that separates the parties and should, and quite possibly will, be the main issues of this election.

I have managed to go a whole week without any performances, something my Daughter cannot boast, This week she has played at the Fairfield Hall, an LGBT History Month event given a little impromptu speech, been interviewed by the local paper and given a presentation at her college.   I am so proud of her!   She has also been asked to take part in an LGBT festival over the summer (Pride?), and a Channel 4 documentary. ~ and I though I was busy!

Now back to the worse side of reality, I have to climb up into the attic (I initially spelt attic wrong, my spell check suggested arctic instead, it feels appropriate!) and try to fix a dripping overflow.

Stand Up

Generally when I think of stand up I think of comedy, and my personal ambition to do a routine in public, but today it does mean something else altogether, nothing to laugh about.

On the 14th November Peter Cohen (Brother of the 1966 World Cup wining George Cohen) was beaten to death after he went to help another man in the club he owned.   In response to this his son, Ben Cohen started the Ben Cohen Standup Foundation a foundation dedicated to eradicating bullying, by Standing Up to them.   Bullying in schools, bullying in the workplace, bullying in the street, all types of bullying, homophobic, transphobic, sexist, racist ~ all types of bullying.

When I watched Ben Cohen scoring in the 2003 Rugby Word Cup final I never expected to be writing this post, he never expected to become a Gay Icon, I never expected to be transitioning, we, none of us know what to expect.   But we do know that if we display weakness, or difference then there will still be a bully out there, somewhere waiting to take advantage of that to enlarge themselves by belittling others.

Lets Stand Up

Six Nations, One Winner

Well that's it the Rugby Six Nations tournament has draw too a thrilling, and generally pretty unexpected conclusion.   Much will be written about this championship, how close it all was right up to the last minute, the high quality of the second rows, the poor quality of the front rows, the giant centres who can break any tackle, but can't pass, the great Brian O'Driscoll.  

The French side that beat England in the last minute and nearly did the same to Ireland but somehow failed to turn up for the other three games, the Welsh team that could have beaten the world but only came third in the table, how the French managed to beat the first and second teas but only came fourth.    There have been some massive collisions between massively fit hunky men, dynamic débuts and retirements.  




The message for the World cup, all of the European teams can be beaten.   The great teams, Johnson's and Carling's England, Eales' Australia, any All Blacks team have the knack of being able to win their bad games, none of this current crop seem to have that aura of invincibility.



As I say much will be written about all of this, here I want to draw attention to the beards, in any ways 2014 has been the year of the beard! D'Arcy has had his shaved off to celebrate Ireland's Championship, I wonder if it will be back.




.