Not Happy

I should be so happy! I have just started working as conductor of the wonderful Allegra Concert Band, I've just had a couple of great Gigs conducting Croydon Brass, with another couple still to come. I still have a fabulous concert to come with the equally fabulous London Gay Symphony Orchestra. I have enough work to keep me busy until I go on holiday next month, and some already lined up for next year. All in all everything should be good. But sometimes even when the big things are coming together the small things can still be really irritating.

There's a saying that comes round every now and then along the lines of "Don't sweat the small stuff"! Well just at the moment I'm doing exactly that. On Tuesday I parked my van up at the side of West Wickham High Street while I popped into Lorrimer's to buy some paper, on returning a few minutes later (feeling a little peeved that the assistant there had been surly and as unhelpful as she could contrive to be.) to find my drivers door mirror gone! The various parts of it were strewn across the road. OK this will be easy to fix and not too expensive, but it is annoying.

Even more annoying this morning I woke up, looked out my window to see that one of the wheel trims on my van was missing. It was only after I was dressed and went out that I realised all four of the wheel trims were missing, closer inspection showed that the cable ties I had attached them with were cut and still in place, they had been stolen over night while the van was parked in the private car park behind my flat. ~ Once again these are not especially expensive, but once again I am excessively peeved. This is all just hassle and expense that I could seriously do without.

I think I need to cheer myself up by thinking about the fun joint concert I've got coming up with the brass band the "Choir on the Hill" ~ I understand that they do very good cake, I'm not sure I can compete with that, but maybe I can find a little seasonal surprise for them.

A friend of mine always suggests not going on eBay when drunk, by way of explanation he cites the occasion he bought a bassoon by accident! Well, like so much good advise I failed to follow this, and bought myself a dress, well, a seasonal treat, well, maybe a costume. Well, you decide!

I really don't expect it to look this good on me, indeed even it is wide enough for me, I suspect that I will probably still be too tall! However, I am still considering bringing it out as a Christmas treat for a couple of my remaining Christmas performances, before going on holiday next month.

Wednesday

Sic Transit Gloria Mundy

I have had a lot of vans, it all started way back in the 1980s when I had a couple of ex British Telecom Dodge Space vans. They weren't great vans but they were cheap and served their purpose, the second got used more for transporting competition motor bikes around than work, but it was fun.

Then after many years I found myself as a self employed gardener in need of a van. I started off with a couple of Renault Extra vans, basically a Renault Clio with a box on the back.  these served me well, the first I enjoyed, it had a small petrol engine that revved and revved, was great fun to throw around corners and was green!.  The second was just a tool for getting my tools to where I was working.

There came a time when these vans were just too small for my work and I needed something bigger, I saw and then bought a Ford Transit. I had always promised myself that if I ever bought one of these I would call it Gloria, so I did!

This was a smashing van, again I enjoyed driving her and she was perfect for my business. On one occasion I drove her across France to deliver some furniture for a friend, and it was one of the most comfortable long distance vehicles I have ever driven.

I had some stickers made up for the bottom of the doors with her name on, my passengers were often asked if they were Gloria and they would have to say "No that's the van!"

When the London Low Emission Zone came in Gloria had to go, I bought another Transit, a Mk6 who quickly became known as Gloria Tuesday, she wasn't a very good van, let me down a few times and was all round a not very happy van!

After Tuesday I had a bit of a change and bought a Mercedes Vito, a lovely van, a great drive and a good workhorse, after a while she became known as Dannie, as in Dannie the Vito. Dannie came into my life just over four years ago, and had to leave again last month. At the last MOT I was advised that she passed that time, but simply not to bother putting her in again this year. I gather that there is only so much rust that can be covered up with gaffer tape!

For a very short time I bought another Vito but it broke down a week after I bought it, at that point it became clear that there was a lot of work needed, it would cost a lot of money straight away and then more for the next MOT. I concluded that it would just turn into a money pit and that I would never be totally happy, so passed on to my third Transit.

Please welcome Gloria Wednesday!

If everything goes to plan she should see me through to retirement. I am hopeful as my van history seems to alternate between good and bad, so I am very hopeful that Wednesday will work out very well. I think this is the first van I have had where everything works right from the beginning.

I feel that the exterior needs some embellishment I fancy a green coach stripe and maybe a flower and name on the lower door panel.

We'll see, first I need to sort out the back properly for work.

It's all in the Name II

Gloria Monday on tour in France, 2011

I had always promised myself if I ever bought a Ford Transit I would call it Gloria, so when I did, I did! My second Transit was also called Gloria, but by way of differentiation she was Gloria Tuesday.

Gloria Tuesday was not such a good van as Gloria Monday, and never really managed to gain a place in my heart. So when she gave up the ghost and I had to buy a new van I was not too sorry.   That was when Dannie came into my life.    Dannie is a much better vehicle, more powerful, better suspension, better steering, more comfortable, just a slightly smaller box on the back.

Dannie the Vito

Rocinante

As far as cars go I have had several and very few have warranted names, Jade the Singer Vogue, Minnie the Hillman Minx ( my first car) are the prime examples, but when the little Seat came into my life last year she was crying out to be named, listening to BBC Radio Four's adaptation of Graham Green's Monsignor Quixote last year it became obvious that she had to be named Rocinante!

Advent Calendar XVI

I know I'm late, but yesterday it all got a little complicated. Yes, I had one of those days.   One of those days when there is simply to much to get done, and too little time/energy to achieve it all.

The good news is that Dannie's home.   The problem was actually the alternator, rather than the water pump either way it still cost me a lot of money and I was without a van for a week.   Working with the car rather than a van definitely took a lot more time and effort, so in many ways I was hit with a "Double Wammy"

This has made me realise a couple of things, first is that I am better off working with this size van, it often crosses my mind that I would be better off getting a big estate car and only having to pay one lot of insurance, road tax etc. but having a van is not only more professional it is also much easier.

The other is that is that I must be making some progress, I was complaining to my Brother about the van breaking down at the worst time. Juts as I had spent some money on a new stereo, and had started pulling my bathroom apart ready for a re-model, I would now have to use money earmarked for the bathroom for the van; but as he pointed out previous years I would not have had any money for anything! So although it still hurts I suppose I must be getting there!

Now I just need to get a new radio for the van!

Picture is of Betty skating, because....I can.

Advent Calendar XIV

Arghhh, Busy, Busy, Busy

Just too much on all of a sudden, I am out every night this week, been turning gigs down as I'm already doing too much, and, then the van broke down.

I have managed a few days work using my car but now I have to shell out hundreds of pounds to get the van back, hopefully fully working and reliable again.

And just to add to my troubles now I have to go out for a curry!

Yet another non event

Well I for one have had what might be termed a bit of a funny old week.   After only having had my new van for a couple of weeks it has already had somebody drive into the back of it, but at least this time I was there and could get all of his details, within 24 hours I had been contacted by his insurance company arranging for a body shop to collect the van, assess the damage and repair it, and provide me with a hire van while it is away.   So now instead of a 2002 Mercedes Vito with over 200,000 miles on the clock I am driving around in a 2014 Renault Traffic which has just turned over 5,000 miles.   Strange though it may sound, despite the SatNav, electric windows, etc. I actually prefer the old Merc, but at least I do have a nice shinny van to drive around in while mine is fixed, probably to a better standard than it was before.

As my week has been hectic and my life complicated it so happened that when I had to pop down to the hire company to collect the van I was dressed, without thinking about it I just walked down the road (they are that near by) and picked up the van, not really worrying that all the paperwork is in "His" name, nobody batted an eyelid everybody was very friendly and professional and there was no hassle just as should be expected.   The next morning the man arrived to take Dannie away (yes it seems to have stuck), he arrived before my hangover left so when the doorbell rang I was still in my dressing gown, complete with the remains of the previous nights makeup, nail polish etc. again he was happy to wait a few minutes while I threw on some (girl) clothes and sorted out the van for him.

Now this is all as it should be and as we should expect.  The interesting thing is that a year ago I would have moved heaven and earth to avoid allowing myself to get into situations like these, now I am fine with them, and so far have had no bad experiences as a consequence.

However I was a little nervous this evening as I have agreed to play in a bandstand concert with the Bromley Concert Band tomorrow, and tonight I went to the rehearsal, the reason for my nerves are two fold, the Conductor and the Solo Clarinet.   Both lovely people and decent musicians, the reason for my nerves was that they are both my daughters old music teachers, but I got the reaction that I am becoming accustomed to, nothing!

So much of what is happening, or rather not happening, to me now makes me wonder why didn't I do this years ago?

Hope

It was good to get back to work yesterday, to simply do a full day of gardening, working with my friend S we managed to get a lot done, but I still have a lot of catching up to do after losing five full working days while I sorted out vans.   At least I am now once again "On the job"

I have now sold Gloria, sadly for scrap, I wonder if and strongly suspect that her predecessor Gloria Monday is still running, it is strange how Ford managed to take a wonderful, iconic design and simply ruin it.
 
All the earlier Transit platforms were brilliant vans, but also brilliant vehicles, not ground breaking in engineering terms, they just did the job very, very well.   This latest incarnation (the front wheel drive Mk6) is juts not a good vehicle.   The box on the back still works well enough, but the electrics, the seats, the gears, the steering, the locks are all worse than on previous models, how can they do that? Over the last year or so I have heard so many people say "I will never buy another Ford"

We have an expectation that things will always get better, that progress is a one way process and that our lives will always improve.    We now have a generation who are facing up to the reality that economically their lives will be worse than their parents, that's tough! I always expected to be living a comfortable suburban middle class family life, I am having to face up to something different, now that  have accepted myself as a trans woman my expectation s that things will get better, hormones, maybe (not more likely not) surgery allowing me to live more authentically.   We all need to believe that there is something better to look forward to, in the short term a holiday, in the longer term maybe retirement.

That is one of the things that makes Christians content, we know that we have something to look forward to, that whatever befalls us here we are drawing ever closer to God, until eventually we will be living permanently in his presence.  We have hope for the future, our future, it's not hope for an eternal life, we have already started that as soon as we are baptised in the spirit, it's hope in God.   I have taken to wearing a copper ring inscribed with the single word HOPE, I don't know what that meant to the maker, but I know what it means to me.

Dannii?

I have been wallowing a lot recently, a combination of self pity, and sheer exhaustion have made it quite difficult for me to get going.   I would wake up feeling lethargic and unmotivated, even though I knew I had to bring in the beans in order to stay afloat.   Often it would be a sheer act of will just to get out of bed.

I am still weary but I know I can now go ahead and book a holiday, I have a new van (all be it that it does need a couple of jobs doing on it) and I have a way of clearing debts in process.   All in all suddenly life seems so much better, I woke up relatively early this morning, looked around me and saw the state of my bedroom, and just felt I couldn't start the day until I had given it a clean.   I have been aware of this for some time, but this morning I felt able and happy to get on and do it.  

I have a busy day ahead as I have a full day's work booked and still have to transfer all my gear from Gloria into the new van.   But at the moment am actually looking forward to getting back to gardening after the last few days enforced break.   Dare I say it I am hoping that I will be able to sustain this renewed enthusiasm for life and that is not just a manic moment!

Gloria Monday

A note on van names; as a general principle I am against giving inanimate objects names, my theory is that as soon as you name something you begin to develop a relationship with that item.   Certainly the cars, vans and instruments that I miss most are the ones that I named, the others have just been tools for doing a job (apart from my trombone which is precious!)

Having said all that I had always told myself that if I ever had a Transit I would call it Gloria, (note my first 2 vans were Dodges and the second 2 were Renaults) just so I could explain with the Latin tag "Sic transit gloria mundi" and so my first and much loved Transit became Gloria Monday, the logic just meant that the second and not nearly so loved became Gloria Tuesday, if I ever buy another Transit she will be Gloria Wednesday, etc. etc.  Of course just out of contrariness I have gone and bought a Mercedes Vito.

Dannii the Vito?

I am not sure whether I will name her or not, and if I do what she will be called, but at the moment I am warming to Dannii.

Blessed

Thank you all for the kind comments and wishes I have had after my last couple of posts.   I feel very blessed at how so many people have rallied round and offered support, either emotional and / or practical.   As many of you will have realised I nt n believe in God, but I do believe he is active in our lives, and answers our prayers, on Friday my prayers tended t take the form of inarticulate groans of despair, but God heard and understood, and sent me help.   I will not go into details but I am now in a position to replace Gloria and get back to work, indeed I should be in a considerably better position than I was at the beginning of last week.   Sometimes I find that I have to go into a place of adversity before I realy understand that I am loved supported and watched over.

So today I will be going out and looking at replacement vans, and hopefully tomorrow I will be able to fit the an out and get back to work.   For those of you are interested in such things, today I will not be pretty, not because I am frightened of any reactions, but for a much more base reason, I suspect that as "Him" I will be in a better position to negotiate and prices if that is possible.

I now I often complain about not having a holiday, but being forced into a position where I can't work is not exactly restful, so now I just want to get back to work, save up so shekels and then book my holiday.

Broke!

I had only just finished my last post when I had a phone call, to tell me what is wrong with my van.   It appears that the diesel pump is not working properly and will need replacing, at around £900 it is simply not worth even thinking about doing this.   So now I am stuck with no money, no van, and therefore no chance of getting any work done.

At the moment I'm not at all sure how I am going to get out of this one, if it was possible I would be very tempted too go out and get a job, but who's going to give a 55 year old who hasn't been in employment for 10 years a job? and what would I do anyway?

Please write your suggestions on the back of £50 notes and send them to me.

PAIN

Yesterday I wasted nearly the whole day waiting for my windows to be fixed, by the time the job was finished it was basically too late to go out and get on with any work.   I was feeling frustrated about not working and of course the attached loss of income and ended up feeling very "down".   I ended up spending the evening lying on the sofa watching lots of TV that I had recorded earlier.   I also hit the comfort food, fridge type investigations didn't give much joy but I ended up cooking some diced potato, carrot, onion and chorizo in olive oil and herbs de Provence, a big pile of warm slightly spiced comfort.   At another time of year I would probably have washed it down with too much wine, but I resisted temptation.   Well I resisted that temptation, still feeling the need for comfort I made myself a pint of custard topped off with double cream. Not the healthy option, but ideal when it's too cold for ice cream.

This morning a whole new day, sun shinning in through the bedroom widow, interesting variety of gainful employment and physical activity beckoned.   First job was to clear out a garage and take the contents to the dump, I added a few things from home I wanted to get rid and off I went.   While at the dump I managed to shut my finger in the van's sliding side door.   A little blood, a lot of swelling and a lot of pain, retire home to feel the pain and shame, drink coffee and ponder on another day buggered.

So I have ended up sitting at home feeling sorry for myself watching awful daytime telly

This week started really well, and has just got worse.   I can only hope that tomorrow will better.

Priorities

Some mornings I have a real problem getting started, part of it is knowing what I a going to do first, part of it is lethargy (possibly depression related) and part of it is natural idleness.

Well I have been trying to get into the habit f making morning appointments as if I know someone is relying on me turning up I am better at making the effort to get started.   This morning (Monday) I had no appointments but plenty t be getting on with.   As I drove the van home last night I noticed a disconcerting noise from under the bonnet, it was dark and I couldn't see any cause so limped carefully home and parked up.  This morning I went out to the van and found I had a flat tyre! I know it was OK when I parked, so I set about changing it only to find that I have lost the special tool I need to get the spare out of it's cradle.    I managed to pump up the old tyre enough to get me to the Tyre place and have it fixed, but this didn't help with the noise.

So next stop was the garage, nothing too serious, it's the alternator drive belt but this still needs to be done, so Tuesday she goes in to have a new belt fitted.   All this when I am really short on the financial front and could do with working every day and no spending any money.   I think I should be OK for a couple of short journeys so at least I can get rid of a load of waste and pick up some supplies for a job I have in hand

These really arn't the sort of things I thought I had signed up for when I became a self employed gardener

Update

I normally prepare my posts during the day or evening and then schedule them for publication early in the morning (GMT), so that last post was written at various times yesterday, finishing off at early this morning.

As an update my wife and daughter returned home in the early hours of the morning after my daughter had been checked over and released as being OK.   Once again all the tests showed everything to be OK, this morning she was subdued, tired but basically alright.   By this afternoon she was complaining about being confined to home, some friends came round but I just felt that after last night's drama it was better that she stayed here.   There has been a bit of stress around and we are now wondering if these episodes might be panic attacks, or something of that nature.   Anyway she has been referred back to a specialist team, so hopefully we will get a solid diagnosis and then some appropriate treatment.

Things like this serve to remind us where our priorities really lie, fortunately I had already arranged that I would not be going out to work today while my van was having some (expensive) work done, this meant I could stay at home with her without either my wife or I letting anyone else down.   It also meant that I had to put up with more "Glee" and "CSI" than anyone should have to in one day.   I haven't got everything done that I planned, but then the important part turned out to be being home.

Gloria

In my line of work a van is an essential, and I use the essential type of van, a Ford Transit.   I had always promised myself that if I ever had a Transit, I would call it Gloria (as in "Sic Transit Gloria Mundy"), so when I bought the van she quickly became Gloria.



You can see her name on the door

In the light of my earlier post on Translations, I have to wonder about Gloria a bit, she hasn't shown any odd tendencies, other than a severe sulk while we were in France together earlier this year, but then I was the one who was dressed ( but that's another story), and one I promise to tell