Advent Calendar V

 

Like most Brass players this is a very busy time of years for me, I am already wondering how I used to have time to go to work, even though as a gardener December is not the busiest month. This week I have already had three rehearsals and I still have one more rehearsal and three performances to go, but tonight I am taking time out from playing and will be attending a concert I am not playing in!

Sometimes I find it easy to get so tied up in the hectic run of playing that I forget why I am doing this, I can forget that what is driving me is my love of music, well, tonight I hope to be reminded of that! A few years ago I arrived at a TransPALS meeting a bit late following a performance, the (adult) daughter of one of my friends was there and we started chatting, she asked me what type of music I liked? I started to explain about Russian Romantic and modern music, the emotion, the grandeur, and the energy, but she looked at me quizzically and said "NO, I meant what do you listen to for fun!?"

At that point I realised that I couldn't remember the last time I had listened to music for fun! I had been listening to what I was going to play or conduct, I listening to what I was arranging or copying, I had forgotten to listen just for fun. Ever since then I have been trying to go to more concerts that I'm not playing in, and so far I have never been disappointed.

In the mean time I still have to practise plenty as this weekend my three performances are on three different instrument.

It's Never Too Late

I'm not actually picking up on the theme from my last post by suggesting that 64 isn't too old to start competitive motor sport, or for buying new instruments ~ because we all know that it isn't! I'm just going with the revelation that it's already the end of February and I'm not sure where those two months have gone. I didn't make any new year's resolutions this year, but that's not an oversight but a conscious decision, I'm simply going to carry on where I left off in 2022, I want to play music, do a bit of gardening, drive fast and go to more concerts I'm not playing in!

Christ's Hospital Band on the march

So far I'm doing pretty well on all of these (apart from driving fast!) on Sunday I went to a concert by the Christ's Hospital wind band ~ for a school's band they are exceptional especially bearing in mind that they are all (almost two full bands) drawn from one school! I first came across them about 50 years ago at the first National Schools Festival of Music. My band of "scruffy Herberts" from Croydon couldn't believe our eyes when they turned up. As I remember it we thought they sounded pretty good, even if to us they did look a bit weird! We did go on to win that Festival, and several others in subsequent years, but that first one was a shock to our collective system, seeing how the "other half" lived, and when it came to it how we could still measure up!

This month I've also managed a few days gardening, yesterday and today I've managed 10 hours, and to be honest I'm knackered!

I've also played a few concerts myself, the other weekend I managed three concert in three days on three different instruments. I think that might be a record even for me!

This photo isn't from one of the "epic three" but from the first of the Croydon Symphonic Band's fiftieth anniversary concerts, this one at the Fairfield Hall.

Being Honest

So by now most of you will have finished the turkey, worked through the pudding and will at least have made a decent impact on your Christmas cake.  I am now looking forward to the New Year, rather than back at Christmas, however that does also mean assessing how the year has gone.  Last year I tried not to make any resolutions, just some rather vague aspirations, I think I did quite well in many ways. I didn't manage everything I wanted to but I did manage many of them.   Mostly I am generally content with my lot, and none of us can really ask for more than that.

Of course 2016 was a pretty lousy year for many people, not least because of all the deaths, elections, natural disasters and stuff.   On a more personal level I suppose we have all had our challenges, family issues and I have not been immune to all of those.   But I have decided to look forward to the future rather than regret the past.  I cannot guarantee that this will be my last reflection on the past but over all I do want to be positive and so I am looking forward to 2017, I may not like the idea of leaving the EU, I may be worried about the new US President but there is still plenty to look forward to.

For one thing I no longer have to explain myself to any people who matter, all my friends and family are quite aware of my situation, and the vast majority are not only accepting but positively encouraging.   This means that I can just get on with life being honest to myself, without too much concern over what others may think.

But I want to do more than just be honest, I want to stand up for what I believe in, in politics, in human rights, over equality, and creativity.

I want to do more, see more, play more music, of course I would also like to lose weight become incredibly attractive and win the Premium Bond (I don't do the lottery), but maybe I will just carry on as before and continue to muddle my way through life.

Looking Forward

Over on her Blog Hanna asks the question so many are asking at this time of year, what are our aims, ambitions and resolutions for the coming year.   Just as it is natural to look back on the year that has just closed we also look forward.   We have passed the Solstice and the days are starting to get longer, no longer are we thinking of how to survive the Winter, we are now looking forward to Spring (or is that just me?)

Well to answer Hanna's question, as far as crossdressing goes, I wish I didn't have to do it anymore.   After starting to live my life authentically, full time a year ago yesterday, I now feel as though those (increasingly) rare occasions when I have to present as male are the crossdressing.   The other day I went to see my Mother, now I usually get changed just before I get there, and then again just after I leave.   Because that was not practical on this occasion I drove back to London presenting male, all fine and OK, until we needed a comfort break, and I had to use the Gents facilities.   It felt totally alien, and wrong, and there was no way I could bring myself to use a urinal, arghh! I quickly found a stall, did what had to be done, washed my hands and fled,

There are things I would like to do, my main aim for 2016 is solvency, and now I have moved I think I should manage that this year. I also want to go on holiday, take a trip to France and one to Malta.

I also have a great desire for at least on fabulous night when I can wear one of my evening gowns, do the whole glamorous bit and glide down a sweeping staircase while the rest of the ball goers look up at me admiringly.   I know that is just a fantasy, but I do have the gowns, and I do want to wear them.

Retrospective Introspection

The New Year always seems to me to be a period of both reflection and anticipation, of looking back as well as forward.   In no way am I immune from this and I find that during this short period of hiatus between finishing work for Christmas and going back after the New Year I am particularly  prone to this sort of navel gazing.

So where have I ended up this year, well as a starter I am around the same weight that I was at this time last year so that's not too bad. Two years ago I made series of resolutions, if I remember correctly I failed to manage around half of them, last year I decided not to make resolutions, not to set myself up for a fail, rather I just gave myself the simple aspiration to be more authentic.   Over the last year I have taken to living more and more of my life authentically, indeed I have got to the point where it is only certain family and Church activities where I will still be cross dressing as a man.

I have been impressed and a little surprised by how well I have been accepted, certainly a couple of my Church friends have expressed sadness, and several surprise but no one has rejected me.

I have been referred to the GIC and hope to be hearing about my first appointment very soon, this has been a BIG DEAL to me, it is the outworking of the admission to myself of who I think I am, and the acceptance that I do need help with this.

I think I can say that I am now pretty much "out" I know coming out is a process not an action, but I am no longer denying or hiding who I am, neither am I taking out an advert in "The Times", I do suspect that for anyone who knows me not to know they must not be paying attention.

My big "gender" stride this last year has been to accept that I am a woman (whatever that means) now I have to work out what sort of a woman I am.

Concert V, Karen would be proud of me

I promise that this will be my last post about my concert with LGSO way back on the 30th June, and once again this has nothing to do with the music or indeed the performance.   This as to do with my other favourite subject shoes.

During the afternoon rehearsal and then over lunch I wore these very nice open toed sling back pumps.

Then I got changed into my LBD then I needed something a bit more formal and much more black so I also changed my shoes for these black sling backs, they are just so cute with the big leather bow on the front over the open toe.

But after a while even these began to get a bit too much and my feet were beginning to get a little sore so I changed into these flatties, they are really comfortable, and have even bigger bows than the heels.

BOING!

I'm just sitting quietly at my laptop as the day comes to a close.   Shortly I shall be going to bed, my wife went up some time ago and is quietly snoring away already even the cats have calmed down and gone to sleep.   By my standards it's not terribly late but as a family we have had quite a tiring time of it over the last few days.

With one thing and another I have got behind with all sorts of things that need to be done, both work and domestic, mostly pretty boring things, after all they are the ones that are easiest to put off, but today I did do a little forward planning and have worked out my weekend schedules for the rest of March and into April.   I have to do this so I know when I will be having a weekend in Cardiff and which LGSO rehearsals I can make.   I am looking forward to my next concert with the Orchestra but it looks like I will only make three or four rehearsals, this will mean more practise at home.

I also need to work out what I will do for my day off this month, I am determined to maintain my day off each month, however I am not aware of any major exhibitions on in London that excite me, so maybe I will have a look around and see what lunchtime concerts are on, or maybe a trip down to Brighton to have a look round the Pavilion.   I shall have to make my mind up soon or I will miss out this month and break one of the resolutions that is closest to my heart.

Anyway enough waffling time for bed, BOING!

Resolutions I

This is the time when we all start to think about resolutions and what we are hoping to achieve over the next year.   I have a number of things I want to do /achieve some are simple some more complicated, some just require application others cooperation and may be a bit of luck.

Last year I made six so lets see how I did

1. To post frequently and regularly to this blog.  I seem to be doing OK on this, I usually manage one a day (the level I set myself) but rarely ow miss more than one day at a time,
2. To regularly have 100 plus reader a day. Not really under my control, but I am now getting over 150 hits most day and occasionally over 200
3. To go out dressed more often. I have been, quite often just to do ordinary things, like supermarket or garden centre shopping, I have found myself getting a lot more comfortable with myself, and with other people.
4. Do a stand up routine as Paula. Total failure, I did manage to book myself in on a "platform" night but then found I couldn't get myself organised
5. To take more photos to share with my readers. Still not good at this, I'm not great at taking photos anyway and getting ones of myself adds a layer of complexity and organisation, and of course when I am out I a more interested in what I am doing than in taking pictures.
6. To come out to at least three long standing friends.   This year I have come out to my good friends S and B, I have just checked back and found that it was in fact last year (2011) that I came out to P and her husband, I shall miss her now she has moved, S & B are both cool but by the nature of what they do I will not be able to share Paula time with them the same way.   I have also come out to one other friend, but unlike the other two he has not, and is unlikely t meet Paula.

So all in all I think that's not too bad I shall call that 5 out of 6, I shall give my self a pat on the back but tell myself to try harder next year.

How am I doing

Way back in the stone age of December last year I made a few resolutions, or at least voiced some aspirations for 2012, since we are now well of a quarter of the way through the year I thought I would have a check up on how I'm doing.
This was my list

1. To post frequently and regularly to this blog.
2. To regularly have 100 plus reader a day.
3. To go out dressed more often.
4. Do a stand up routine as Paula.
5. To take more photos to share with my readers.

And now the biggy - to come out to at least three long standing friends.
So lets see how I'm progressing.

1. Well I do seem to be getting better with something up most days
2. And it must be of some interest because for the last month or so I am averaging over 100 page-views each day
3. Well every chance I get - I also seem to be doing more under dressing and part dressing, wearing women's clothes, trousers, tops and jackets while ostensibly in drab.
4. No haven't managed this one yet, I did have a date booked a while back but just couldn't get organised, I was going to say get my act together, but I had pretty much worked out my routine, it was getting away for a whole night and finding somebody to go with me that caused the problems in the end.
5. I still need to get organised in taking more photos, it's just that normal people going out to lunch don't ask the waiters to take thier photos ~ often.

And the biggy ~ well I am now out to six of my friends but two or three of them were last year.   Of those so far only my good GG friend P has actually met Paula.

Resolutions

This is the time of year when we start to look forward to the coming year, to make decisions on how we want to improve ourselves, or at least our lot in live.   We make "New Year Resolutions" I often wonder if we call them that because they don't last beyond the new year.   My experience has been that very few people manage to keep to any of these new year's resolutions, I suspect because they are usually to ambitious.   One year a brother decided to give up all recreational drugs for a year, he still doesn't smoke, but does now have the occasional drink, he is the only person I know who has successfully managed to give up smoking on the 1st January.
It may be that we see this as a good opportunity to admit too and then to rid ourselves of aspects of our lives or behaviours that we don't want, a new year a new chapter - that sort of thing.   There was a time when one of my new year resolutions would have bee to stop dressing, I now know that that isn't going to happen, so what are my resolutions or aspirations?

1. To post frequently and regularly to this blog.
2. To regularly have 100 plus reader a day.
3. To go out dressed more often.
4. Do a stand up routine as Paula.
5. To take more photos to share with my readers.

And now the biggy - to come out to at least three long standing friends.

I love my outings as Paula, but they are so often solitary, I want to be able to share this aspect of my life with others who are an important part of my life, to enjoy social time, in the real world with friends.   I don't know how much of this will be in my control, but at the very least I shall treat these few aspirations seriously.