Fit for Nothing

On my way to rehearsal last night Mr Google (or I suppose that should really be MS Google as the app is blessed with a female voice) took me on a very different route to any of the many I am used to. Apart from just how many possible routes through South London there are, the main thing that struck me was just how many open green spaces I passed. I have spent my entire life so far living in South East London so can't really comment authoritatively on any other places, but I think we are truly blessed. I am now in my seventh decade and my seventh home when I moved into my current flat I didn't even think about how close it was to a park, every other place I had lived quite literally had a park just across the road, and a bigger one within easy walking distance. My major local park, and one of my "happy places" is Joseph Paxton's Masterpiece at the Crystal Palace ~ indeed this flat is the only place I have lived where I can't see the tower from at least one of my windows!

Back in 2014

At one time or another from all my previous abodes I would go for a run, it was an easy matter to just run round my local park for a varying number of times depending on my fitness level at the time and the size of the park. I no longer have a convenient park of any size and my knees are pretty much shot so trying to get a bit fitter by going for a run is no longer an option. I am a member of a local gym, and so far I have been the sort of member they like, I keep paying my subscription but rarely turn up and use the facilities, every time I start to get into the habit of regular work outs something seems to happen that prevents me, the latest being my wrist RSI, well it is now sufficiently better for me to start going again, and I have thoroughly enjoyed a couple of visits, this time I am determined to get a bit fitter. 

"The Stodge" 2024

Now I have stopped work, and it is many a year since I have tried to play rugby I don't have any activities that help with my natural levels of fitness, or indeed my weight. Over the last couple of years a good couple of stone (28 pounds) has gradually added itself, mostly around my tummy. It's not just that I am fed up with seeing this fat woman looking back at me from the mirror, it's not just that I'm fed up with so many of my favourite clothes no longer fitting, while both of these do matter to me the main one is that I know I am unfit, I get tired too quickly, I can't play long low notes for as long as I used to and I'm just finding more things I can no longer do as easily as I should. Realistically I have another twenty or so years so I want to enjoy them to the full, and at least in part that means getting fitter again, so I am determined to start getting better value for money from my gym membership!

A time for Everything

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens

a time to be born and a time to die
a time to plant and a time to uproot
a time to kill and a time to heal
a time to tear down and a time to build
a time to weep and a time to laugh
a time to mourn and a time dance
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them 
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing
a time to search and a time to give up
a time to keep and a time to throw away
a time to keep and a time to throw away
a time to tear and a time to mend
a time to be silent and a time to speak
a time to love and a time to hate

a time for war and a time for peace.

For those not in the know this is a quote from the Old Testament book of Ecclesiastes (Chapter 3) one of the "Books of Wisdom", and one that perfectly illustrates so much of my life. As I approach yet another big change in my life it feels even more pertinent than ever. Often in my life I have tried to do everything, all at once, all together ~ it simply doesn't work! Often through the years I have found that by trying to do too much I am not doing anything as well as I should. Trying to play rugby the afternoon before a gig is a good illustration!

Conducting Phoenix Concert Band, Sutton

The last few years I have been trying to play, conduct, arrange, and even write some of my own original music. I have been trying to keep up with the requirements of my garden maintenance business, look after my failing levels of fitness, my flat, my family and started out on a motor sport career! It's all too much for me now. So it's time to change. I have decided to retire! Of course I will not be stopping my music involvement, music is what defines me, but I will stop my gardening. I will be closing down my business at the end of November, or earlier if my customers can find a replacement! The last few months it has increasingly felt like hard work, and I am finding it much more physically arduous than before so I think the time is ripe.

This month I will start getting my state pension, and my "Bus Pass" so financially I will be no worse off, it does still feel like a big change, and a little intimidating as does any big change. But, this is not an end, it is a new beginning, I will have more time to devote to music, and to Motor Sport!

Photo credit Tunbridge Wells Motor Club 

I know I will miss my customers and much of the work, I will miss the reason to be outdoors in the sun, I will not miss the need to go out when I really don't want to, I certainly won't miss the aching muscles and sore back, neither will I miss storing the tools or having my car full of garden waste!

I note that only once before I have used the "Motor Sport" label, and that wasn't about me! I am now only a couple of meetings away from my second season of Sprinting. It's nothing too high octane, I am sharing a car with a friend so we can split some of the cost but it is great fun, and I think I might be OK at it. There are only three of us in the class for my club championship so it is hard to tell.

If Not Now, When?

It is a big commitment having a blog, and making regular posts all the more so. Often I will find that I lack the time or emotional energy to come up with something, on other occasions I will feel a burning need to write about a subject, but most of the time I want to write but have to think through what I will be writing about. Series like my Lent Course the A-Z challenge and my Advent Calendars all help focus my mind, but most of the time posts will be triggered by something that's happened either in my life or in the wider world. Occasionally another blogger will write something that either triggers a thought or focuses something that I have been subconsciously considering already. Today is one of the later.

Jessie Hart

Over on her Condo my friend Cyrsti has written about transitioning later in life after realising that at the age of sixty time was running out. I know that feeling! This was something I had been thinking about already following the recent death of John Motsan. Now I am in my seventh decade I increasingly find myself thinking "if not now, then when" when I hear of a famous person I think of as more or less a contemporary dying, then hear that they were in their 70s, I often first think "Oh they were older than I thought" then realise that's only a few years older than me. I am determined to pack in as much as I can into my remaining years.

I recently wrote about my plans to compete in some grass roots level motor sport, I recently bought a couple of new instruments, I have also finally  restarted a course of facial electrolysis. This is all about my current attitude of "If not now, then when?" But sometimes it's not just about buying something, starting something new, no, sometimes it can also be stopping something. I have cut right back on my work load (I can't quite afford to fully retire yet, even if I wanted to) to allow more time for music and writing. I have also left the Allegra Concert Band.

After being their MD for over three years, and guiding them all the way through the pandemic I was still getting a great deal of satisfaction from conducting the band ~ and I like to think the band was getting a great deal from me as well. Unfortunately dealing with some of the committee became increasingly stressful and was getting in the way of my relationship with the band, and my ability to keep them progressing. A few years ago I would have stayed and fought, I am quite sure that in the process I would have lost some friends, but would have had the possibility of carrying on as their MD and pushing their musical progress. These days I just don't need that sort of hassle, I'm no longer young and ambitious, so instead I walked away.

What is the point of delaying? 

Realistically at my age I know I have limited time and opportunities, so I simply want to make the most of those I have left.

My Office Today

Although I am now claiming to be retired I am still aiming to do one or two days a week gardening, just to keep my hand in and retain what little sanity I still have. Much though I enjoy my music, playing conducting and arranging, it does me good to get out in the fresh air and engage some physical activity. This morning, just like the rest of the month, it was a struggle to get going, but it turned out to be a nice day, not at all too cold we even had some sunshine for a while.

Winter Aconites in Purley

A couple of weeks ago I chastised a young friend of my as he had started pruning roses. I usually like to stick to the old ways pruning hybrid teas and climbers in March and ramblers and floribunda October, but as the weather has been so mild the roses are already budding so I spent a happy could of hours pruning roses this afternoon. I have come to the conclusion that we have to respond to what we see ~ clearly the plants can't read a calendar.

It certainly felt more like March than January today, if the weather stays this mild it won't be long before I'm cutting grass again.

Polymath or dilettante

I have often observed that no one of us is just one thing, indeed in the strap line to this blog I claim to be the "World's leading bass trombone and tuba playing transgender Christian gardener." Although no one has ever challenged me on that claim even that is not everything I am. The idea of that line is to underline that my identity is not simply "Trans Woman" I, like everybody else, am many things, and my identity is different in different environments.

Voluntary Work!?

Like many people the last few years have taken a toll on me, they have also given me the opportunity to reflect on what I want out of life and and how I want to fill my time. I have been finding my gardening work physically increasingly arduous, indeed I have finally come to accept that it is time for me to slow down a bit and spend more time on other things, like music and my voluntary work. I was shocked the other day when I was explaining this to one of my customers, basically telling her I was retiring to give me more time making music when she was surprised to find that I'm a musician! I always thought that this was something that permeated my very essence and like my faith showed in everything I do; ~ clearly I was wrong, to her I was "just" the gardener.

Just the Tuba Player

In other environments I may be "just" the tuba player or the even the conductor, but I like to think that in everything I do I bring everything I am. It is easy to classify myself as a "Jack of all Trades but master on none", indeed I have often wondered if had devoted myself to just one discipline would I have been better a "Success"? Would I have played more first team rugby? Played in better orchestras? presented Gardener's World? But these things are only one interpretation of success. Just like money, celebrity is, I believe, a flawed measure of success. Darwin had the idea that success meant simply to pass on ones genes, again I feel that this an over simplified and flawed measure of success. Yet I don't know what would be a better measurement ~ contentment, self expression, an artistic legacy? Given that I have now started composing as well, I think I can now say that I have achieved all of these ~ don't get me wrong there is still more I want to do, and a little more money wouldn't go amiss either.

These days when I look forward I'm not thinking about what job I want to have, I'm not planning my family, now I'm thinking about what I really want to do with my remaining time, and how am I going to do it. I'm looking forward to having more time, to maybe getting a publisher for my music, I'm looking to do a bit more comedy, not for the fame or fortune, but because it's a challenge and when it works great fun. Next year I'm going to be doing some motorsport (watch this space!) and I'm thinking that maybe I could manage one more home move ~ to maybe have my own garden again.

Maybe if I had devoted myself to just the one thing I might have made more money, enjoyed more celebrity, but I don't think I would have ended up as a sufficiently rounded person, and dare I say it as everything I do informs everything I do, maybe I wouldn't be such a good musician (possibly a better instrumentalist) certainly not as nice a person!

Looking Forward

Spring Bulbs RHS Rosemoor

One of the great things about gardeners is that we are always looking forward, much of our work is about making the gardens look good, or be productive, next season. Over the last few months I have been planting spring bulbs, pruning summer flowering shrubs, as well as clearing up leaves ~ not simply to make things look better now, but to allow the grass to "breath" so it gets off to a good start in the spring, and to make leaf mold for use next year. I suspect that works it's way into the rest of my life as well. At the moment I am planning my retirement, now I am in my mid-sixties I am finding work is becoming a little more arduous. Certainly, too much for me to manage every day and then expect to play music in the evening. So, my plan is to cut right down to just one day per week, I want to spend more time writing and arranging music, I want to go to exhibitions, I want to go to concerts I'm not playing in, I want to keep this blog up to date, maybe try some other writing as well.

Autumn Leaves is also one of my favorite songs 

This was all meant to be happening back in September, but as we now near the end of November I still haven't been able to put my plan fully into action. Certainly, I felt bad about leaving customers, but there have also been some added financial implications. I made all my plans on the basis of how much it cost me to live in 2021 ~ that budget is now well and truly blown out of the water! Just like everybody else my food, my electricity, my fuel, and everything else are costing more, it looks as though I may have to do a bit more than I had hoped ~ simply to keep the wolf from the door!

At the same time I am trying to do everything else as well. I am now regularly conducting three bands, while still playing with CSB and the LGSO, this Saturday afternoon I will be playing with Cross the Line blues band. Around the start of November I realised that I had at least one performance every weekend left this year, it's always busy in the lead up to Christmas but this year feels busier than ever ~ maybe it's just me getting older!

One of my bands has just introduced a new number into our repertoire, the Beatles song "When I'm Sixty Four" ~ for me it's too late I am 64! I won't ask if you still love me.

My Office Today

 There was a time when this was my favourite time of the year, the rugby season had started and the ground was getting softer, hay fever season was over, and my bands would be building up to a concert. Well that's all changed now, I don't play rugby anymore and nobody is putting on concerts! Instead gardening has turned from being a hobby to a business and the short, wet days have a big impact on ability to work, and my general mood.

I'm writing this now as I look out of my window at yet more rain, even if it stops raining I can't see that I will be able to get any work done today at all, that'll mean every day so far this week has been weather effected!

But not everything in the garden is dull and wet, there is still colour, joy and plenty of work to get done.   Although a lot of the work I managed yesterday was just cutting back ivy, I still managed a bit of planting and did it in very pleasant surroundings.

This garden is rapidly turning into one of my favourites,  having been laid out by an enthusiast it is far from low maintenance but has so much to recommend it, as well as a strong structure there is very good varied planting giving real round the year interest.

Many herbaceous plants are still making a brave display, whether its late flowers or the turning foliage of peonies. Climbers like this Solanum Jasminoides  add both scent and display ~ this is actually one of my favourite plants, it's ever green except in the very coldest winters, has a very long flowering period and will happily grow through trees or trellis, excellent for screening where needed and so much nicer than ivy!

When planting up a garden it is so easy to forget timing and plant what's good at the time, what's in flower and being enticing at the garden centre, but having some thing to look at all year round is so important. 

In many ways gardeners are always looking forward, at the moment I'm pruning or planting for next spring and summer. Come spring I will be preparing for summer and the following autumn. Even in winter we do not stop, sure, during the short, cold, wet, winter days there is less to do, but we are always planning, always preparing, Maybe that's why gardeners tend to be nice, good people; perhaps we could do with more people in society looking forward and planning for a beautiful future.

My office today

I started this occasional series of posts because I got fed up with hearing too many people assuming that we all work in offices or schools.

This post has been inspired by all those people who ask me what I do during the winter. These are the same people who think and talk about "putting a garden to bed". The garden doesn't go to sleep and there is stuff that needs doing all year round.

This week I have been cutting back ivy and tidying up a hedge. Next week I'm replacing a fence. There's all the dead herbaceous plants and ferns to cut back, the vegetable patch to clear, if it's not in production. Many gardens will still have leaves to clear and paths to maintain.

No, the winter is not a time for gardeners to stop work, just like every other season it has it's round of tasks, chores and joys, like those winter aconites I photographed earlier today. 

Advent Calendar X

Life has been a bit frantic of late, it must be over three weeks since I've had a whole day off! Everything I do I like, but sometimes it can all just get too much. Today it did just that! I started a sniffle at rehearsal last night, this morning I woke up with a head full of cold and a nose full of snot.

In consequence when the alarm went off this morning I turned it off and stayed in bed. I have managed to keep a bit of leeway in my schedule but not much, and I think I have used it all up today.  I have a full day tomorrow so need to be firing on at least three of my four cylinders.  I'm hoping that a restful day and a solid peaceful night will work the cure.

I certainly don't want to be feeling below par next week when I fly off to warmer climes. I suspect that over the next couple of days I will be mainlining on Lemsips and keeping as warm as possible, well, as warm as possible in my line of work anyway.

I'll have to look after myself ~ well I haven't got anyone else to look after me so I'll just have to nurse myself.

Normal service will be resumed tomorrow! 

I'm still looking back

Summer was fabulous, not just the weather that was stunning, but I also had a fabulous, very busy time. I spent most of my working hours wearing shorts and a sun top, I've still got a bit of tan, and even though there were some days when it was simply too hot to work on the whole I loved it. Of course it was very stressful for a lot of plants and many lawns suffered badly. It's no good watering once the drought has started, good roots are needed and that means watering lots not too often throughout the year.

Playing in Parliament Square for Processions

Apart from work I had the usual load of concerts, and activities, taking the lead amongst them this year was playing for WOW Brass for the London Processions

It was a very hot day, and I suspect that I might not have been the only one who started to regret the decision to wear black!  It was wonderful to play brass band music with so many other women, but it also underlined the simple fact that there is still a lot of prejudice in music, especially around which instruments it is suitable for a woman to play. Whilst we had plenty of trombones I was the only Bass Trombone, and for a band of around 80 we could only muster 3 tubas, and they were all EEbs.  There is still a lot of work needed to encourage girls to take up some of the instruments still perceived to be male. Instruments do not have gender they have character, they have sound, and the have roles, these can be male, female, both and neither. ~ On this note on Sunday I will be attending the first WOW Brass Development Day, I may not get to do much playing but I'm still looking forward to it.

With my new friend at Croydon PrideFest

The other big event was Croydon Pride. As I am a trustee and part of the planning committee we had lots of meetings, lots of stress, and lots of work in the lead up to the big event. Croydon Pride is very much a year round organisation with events going on most months, but of course the Pridefest is the big one.

Once again it was a wonderful sunny day, thousands of people turned out and I think everybody had a great time. Of course Pride is not just an excuse for a great party, it is still also a protest, all the time any part of the LGBT+ community is being oppressed we need to stand together and make it clear that it is not acceptable. At the moment it seems to be Trans Women who are most under attack (for any number of reasons Trans Men are not being singled out for the same levels of abuse). I have been trying not to dwell on this too much here as plenty of others are much more engaged than I am, but, when we get regular abuse in National Newspapers, Radio, TV, and Parliament it is difficult not feel picked upon. I hope that 2019 will be better, but in all honesty I don't expect it.

At Amsterdam Pride with my Daughter, 

the coolest person in the City

Croydon was not my only Pride, I marched in Pride in London (so I wasn't aware of the furore at the front until the next day), I marched in Trans Pride Brighton, and I was on the shore watching Amsterdam Pride ~ I think I have written pretty extensively about all of these at some point here so won't go on too much about them now, each was fabulous in their own way.

Amsterdam was a great trip with the fabulous London Gay Symphony Orchestra we played a great concert, we enjoyed the parade (on the canals!) we laughed so much we cried, we also discovered that Amsterdam is maybe not quite as inclusive as we thought, it was very much a Gay Pride and since neither my Daughter or I consider ourselves to be white gay men we felt a little left out and withdrew to our hotel.

To my shame I got to very few concerts I wasn't playing in, but outstanding amongst the ones I did get to was seeing "The Sweet" playing in Oxted. I loved them in the 70s and I still do!

Wednesday

Sic Transit Gloria Mundy

I have had a lot of vans, it all started way back in the 1980s when I had a couple of ex British Telecom Dodge Space vans. They weren't great vans but they were cheap and served their purpose, the second got used more for transporting competition motor bikes around than work, but it was fun.

Then after many years I found myself as a self employed gardener in need of a van. I started off with a couple of Renault Extra vans, basically a Renault Clio with a box on the back.  these served me well, the first I enjoyed, it had a small petrol engine that revved and revved, was great fun to throw around corners and was green!.  The second was just a tool for getting my tools to where I was working.

There came a time when these vans were just too small for my work and I needed something bigger, I saw and then bought a Ford Transit. I had always promised myself that if I ever bought one of these I would call it Gloria, so I did!

This was a smashing van, again I enjoyed driving her and she was perfect for my business. On one occasion I drove her across France to deliver some furniture for a friend, and it was one of the most comfortable long distance vehicles I have ever driven.

I had some stickers made up for the bottom of the doors with her name on, my passengers were often asked if they were Gloria and they would have to say "No that's the van!"

When the London Low Emission Zone came in Gloria had to go, I bought another Transit, a Mk6 who quickly became known as Gloria Tuesday, she wasn't a very good van, let me down a few times and was all round a not very happy van!

After Tuesday I had a bit of a change and bought a Mercedes Vito, a lovely van, a great drive and a good workhorse, after a while she became known as Dannie, as in Dannie the Vito. Dannie came into my life just over four years ago, and had to leave again last month. At the last MOT I was advised that she passed that time, but simply not to bother putting her in again this year. I gather that there is only so much rust that can be covered up with gaffer tape!

For a very short time I bought another Vito but it broke down a week after I bought it, at that point it became clear that there was a lot of work needed, it would cost a lot of money straight away and then more for the next MOT. I concluded that it would just turn into a money pit and that I would never be totally happy, so passed on to my third Transit.

Please welcome Gloria Wednesday!

If everything goes to plan she should see me through to retirement. I am hopeful as my van history seems to alternate between good and bad, so I am very hopeful that Wednesday will work out very well. I think this is the first van I have had where everything works right from the beginning.

I feel that the exterior needs some embellishment I fancy a green coach stripe and maybe a flower and name on the lower door panel.

We'll see, first I need to sort out the back properly for work.

My Office Today

I suspect that a search of my blog over the last couple of years would find that the most used phrase would be "I'm really busy at the moment" t happens so often that I can only assume that I must like being busy. I could plead that the weather plays it's role, but I could say no! Being busy is not always a bad thing, being self employed it does suggest that at the end of the month I might end up with enough money to live, and as a musician I am so bad at practising that the more playing out I do the better.

It's so nice to be working now, with the sun out, and some proper warmth everything is growing, and it's hard to keep up, never mind catch up.   It is at time like this that I am reminded why I do what I do for work. Having gone through a pretty long and miserable winter, to come out the other side, feel the warmth of the sun on my body get my hand dirty and just enjoy the exuberance of gardens in spring, make sit all worth it. At the moment I am just enjoying all the jobs, even sweeping up, anything that takes my outdoors uses a few muscles and gets into the sunshine.

It only feels like a few days ago that I was complaining that it was never going to get warm again, I was fed up with being cold and having to wear so many layers, I looked i n my wardrobe and was incredulous that I had ever warn shorts at all.   Now I am wearing them once again, making as much of that potential vitamin E as I can!

BOING! or My Office Today

This week it does finally feel as though spring has sprung, I am sure that this is a great relieve to everyone, for us gardeners it means that we can go outside and get on with the seasonal work we were expecting to be doing last month.  

I have pruned a lot of roses, but by no means all of them. I have a lot of gardens where I am still do a first cut of grass, and many where I have not yet managed to cut back all of the dead growth of the herbaceous plants.    I try to keep up with garden work all year round but I do have some customers who simply want me to stop during the winter, which always leads to frantic catching up in spring.

Of course in a year like this when spring comes late then that means a very few very busy weeks, and since this looks like it will be the first of those few very busy weeks, it does seem a shame that it is going to be a short one, I may even end up working on Saturday to make up for it.   However busy I may be it is a joy to be able to get out in the sun and cut some grass!

Of course the joys are not limited to the work, at this time of year some of the joys can be a little less obvious than other, but none the less valuable for that!

Having said all that about being busy, normal life still goes on as well, and since for me normal life is anything except normal, I will now be losing at least half a day as I'm off to an electrolysis session this morning.

What Next?

I am in the strange position of having to face up to a few life changing decisions at the moment, in some way these decisions are a reflection of a bigger question, how do I want to live the rest of my live.   What sort of a live do I want to live.   I suppose some of this is the realisation of quite a bog birthday looming later this year, when I was forty I had just become a parent, when I was fifty I decided that it was high time I started to work out exactly what my gender miss match was all about.   Now I am approaching sixty I have questions about my body, my profession and my education.

Amongst other things I revisiting a question I thought I had settled over forty years ago. At that point I could think of no subject I wanted to study for three years, and what I saw of the student life as modeled for me by both my brothers simply did not appeal.   Instead I decided to join the workforce at that point my plan had been to work my way up, getting professional qualifications on the way, and enjoy a nice suburban lifestyle, with a nice suburban wife and family, paid for through my nice suburban job.   In short I was expecting to have a life in a world that was rapidly disappearing.   The jobs I anticipated doing no longer exist, the qualifications I achieved (AIB part 2) are irrelevant and equally extinct.    It took me about 3 years to work out that retail banking was boring, repetitive, and was never going to satisfy me.   The next job was also accounts based (in those days before PCs my dyslexia prevented me doing anything word based)  I enjoyed working for that Company and expected it to be a job for life ~ alas the 80 were the time when such things just disappeared.   The office I worked in is now a restaurant I can't afford to eat in, and the Company no longer manufactures in Britain, and at least has had the decency to drop the tag line "The Great British Radial"

Maybe that should have been the point to look at this but I thought I couldn't afford to take three years out of earning.   Now I am thinking if I don't do it now it will be too late, and I will have missed what could be my last opportunity.   A few years I ago I did Theology course through the C of E and thoroughly enjoyed it, at that time I had planned to continue the studies, but other matters, like earning a living, supporting a family and then transition all got in the way.   Now I am considering the implications of dropping my business and going to university to study for a degree in theology.   This would mean that after leaving I would still have three years before state pension age in which to try and earn a living. ~ There is a lot  to weigh up, not least how would I cope in a learning environment? and would I be able to manage exams?

What I need to find is a source of information and advise, if I were still at school I would be able to go to a member of staff, but a s a potential (very) mature student who can I go to?

My Office today

Well not actually today, I took these photos on Tuesday last week.

My main job was to make some corrections to this frame I had put up in the Autumn for a rambling rose. I had hoped that two up rights with wires spread between would do the job, but soon found that some bracing was required.   I think the final erection is visually quite satisfactory as well as practical.

While there I felt it only reasonable to do a bit of tidying up. This is the patch to the left of the frame in the photo above, clearing away the old ferns and dead growth reveals new fronds and shoots coming through ready for the spring.

Of course we don't have to wait for the spring, there is plenty of interest in the garden at all times of year, certainly at the moment a little investigation will always bring rewards!

This was the first week this year where I managed to work every day. By Friday I was totally exhausted. I had planed to go out and meet a friend but fell asleep on the sofa

Advent Calendar XXI

As we get ever closer to Christmas Day itself, and the end of Advent these posts don't get any easier!

Each day after I post on the Blog I then share the post on Facebook and then share it around various groups I am part of.   Some of these groups are Transgender ones, some are musical, and some are faith base: and of course some of then are more than one of those.   Yesterdays post was about gardening so I thought I would see if there were any groups fro Transgender Gardeners, so did a search on FB ~ it appears that once again like Tigger I am the only one, then I did a Google search on the same phrase, once again Paula's Place topped the list so I can now claim to be at least two Googlewacks!   I am a little nervous of Googling "Lady Gardeners"

I tend to share with the group that the post is relevant to, so Christian posts go on the Christian groups, trans posts go on the trans groups, music posts go on the music groups etc. etc. I just wonder if I should be sharing everything more widely, or whether I should be less self promoting?

I understand that here in the UK today is the winter equinox, the shortest day, and the longest night.   Not of itself a happy time, but is around now that the days start to get a little longer, if not warmer!  

It starts to feel reasonable to look forward to summer and the long, warm, sun filled days.   This week as I have put on my thermals, sweater, body warmer, and fleece it seems hardly possible that it is only a few months ago that I was I was going to work just wear some pretty short shorts and a cami top! But things will get better, the days will get longer and the weather will get warmer!

We all need something to look forward to, and for me that's what Christmas is all about ~ looking forward to something better. That is why the early Christians attached Christmas to the existing Yule festivals, because they too are all about looking forward, but as a Christian I am not just looking forward to summer, I'm looking forward to growing ever deeper in relationship with God, enjoying His unconditional limitless love and His presence with me for ever.

That is the promise of Christmas.

Advent Calendar XX

My Office today!   I have now finished work for the year unless I get a better offer! Yesterday (The day when this should have been posted) was all about cutting back very overgrown laurel a very hard dense wood that soon blunts the chain on my saw, but the day before was a nice day doing some proper gardening.

I do get a little annoyed when asked "What do you do in the winter" or when a customer asks me to "Put the garden to bed till spring". In a well organised, well planted and planed garden there should be something going on all year round. With Dog Woods, winter flowering Viburnums, cowslips and pansies there should be no shortage of colour, the dead flower heads of flowers like Sedums and Hydrangeas can be quite beautiful especially when frosted  ~ add in some good structure and a garden should be a thing of beauty all year round.

These two photos were both taken in the same front garden in Bromley this week, why be dull brown and boring from November to March when you can have interest and colour?

In Role

A recent little debate in a Trans Facebook Group got me thinking, the original post, from an actor, was asking something about how we got into the gender role we are playing. Of course this triggered a lot of complaints from members pointing out that they were not playing a part, but honestly expressing themselves, and equally predictably I agree.   However it did get me thinking about how, over the years, I have managed to convincingly fill a variety of roles.

Looking back it feels as though all my life I have been playing roles, musician, rugby player, salesman, clerk, refuse collector, piano mover, professional, gardener, committee member, activist, husband, father, friend, man!. by no means is this a complete list, and by no means are any of them mutually exclusive, but they do present a variety!   In all these cases I was always playing a part, I have written before about how I always had a fear of being "found out" but of course the other side of that is that I was playing a role.   I always had to dress appropriately for the role I was playing, so a nice suit for offices and meetings, Jeans and work boots for emptying dustbins, dinner jacket and bow tie for concerts.   These props helped me get into role ~ and a lot of the time I was acting a role.   I loved playing rugby, I loved the physical aspects of it and being part of the elegance and beauty of the game. But, afterwards in the bar I was definitely playing a part.

Every time I got on stage to perform I had the fear of being "found out" that somebody would call out that I wasn't a proper musician and I would be thrown off the stage to be replaced by a "real player".   Having the right jacket and shoes helped my confidence, not so much as a musician but as an actor playing a musician, just as having the right suit gave me confidence to act the part of a business man.   It's only really now that I am beginning to understand that I was doing this in every factor of my life, work, play and home.   My cross dressing was no different, sure I felt comfortable expressing the female me, but in all fairness I was still acting a part, using my props to help me get into role.

Since I started my transition a few years back a lot has changed, more recently as my medication has stabilised, physical changes are allowing me to abandon the props that used to be so essential when I was cross dressing.  It is only over these last couple of years since my self confidence has become more real and less of an act that I have realised just how much I actually was acting.   Now I am acting a lot less often, I have enough confidence in the person I am becoming that I am happy to reveal her to people.   I have now abandoned most of my props, I don't need to get into role, I can just be me, whatever I am doing.

This struck me again on Saturday playing in a concert, I was a little out of my comfort zone as I for much of the second half I was the fourth percussionist!   First time I have ever played crash cymbals and gong! and I had so much fun doing it.   I wasn't "In costume" I wasn't acting out a role, I was just me having fun making music with friends.

My Office Today

Well of course not actually today, these photos were taken on Friday, a long day, and indeed one that managed to carry on into Saturday Morning.

Maybe a quarter way through

The job should have been a simple one, scarifying a lawn, well actually three, but the two in the front of the house aren't so big; the back lawn is big, and I suspect hasn't been raked for some time, there was certainly enough work in it to be worth hiring a petrol scarifyer.  

I'm not sure what surprised me most, the amount of moss and "thatch" which I got out, the amount left, or the time it took.   "Green Thumb" had visited since I was here two weeks before to cut the grass, I had expected them to include a moss killer in their Autumn treatment, but apparently they only include that in the December treatment. REALLY! kill the moss in December, let the dead moss sit there and then regrow before I go back in March or April to start cutting the grass.

I didn't schedule any other work for the day, but had hoped I might get another job done, as it happened I didn't get through till nearly eight by which time it was way too late to take any after photos, indeed I was struggling to see at all.

The original plan was to run the scarifyer over the grass, then follow with the lawn mower to cut the grass and pick up the moss and thatch pulled up.   The debris was far too thick and heavy to be picked up by the mower, rather, I feared that the weight of the mower would push it all back in.   So instead I used my blower to get in into piles and then bagged it up, before finally going over with the mower to pick up the rest, cut the grass, and give a decent finish.

If I had had the light I would have taken a photo of all the sacks I filled, but by then I was tired and it was dark, I had nine of my large green woven sacks (see photo above) each a bit over a meter cubed, then a further 14 used compost sacks; too many to fit in the van, Saturday morning I had to return the scaryfier to the hire shop, drop a load of waste off at the recycling centre, return to the job to collect the rest of the waste and then make another journey to the recycling centre.

But apparently no need for moss killer!

Girls Just Want To Have Fun

When transgender people transition it can be difficult, not just for them but for the people they work with, their families and friends.   I have been fortunate, or blessed, that I have not lost any of my friends or become estranged from any of my family, but I gather that in this, as in so many other things, I am unusual.   Many of the Trans people I come across are not working, or are working on their own much of the time, they live on their own and often don't have many friends outside of the trans community.

Inevitably within this community there are all too many fallings out.   With different people wanting different things, with hormones being all over the place, and many feeling embattled it is inevitable.   It is worth remembering that just because we happen to all be trans, that does not mean we will have other things in common.   I have yet to meet anyone in "the community" who shares my taste in music; most will not share my politics, or maybe my taste in literature or holidays.   The point is that we are a community of one shared characteristic, and if we rely on that community for our emotional and social support we will be let down!

I'm not given here to much in the way of handing out advice, but I do get concerned when I come across people, well mostly women, who are totally reliant upon the Trans Community for all of their social network, friendship and support.   As a group we are particularly susceptible to suicide and depression, so very much need social support.   Again I am blessed that as a musician I have a very large social network; I have friends who are not aware of ever having come across another trans person, they are my friends because they are my friends, because of who I am and what I do, not because of what I am.

I'm not trying to boast about what a popular and attractive girl I am, I am just trying to encourage others to stop reading blogs and other online stuff and go out and do things! Join a club, do AmDram, some sports, a cookery course, or a reading group, just get out there in "normal" society, get some friends, some friends who aren't going through the same stuff that you are, but can go to the pub with you and talk about something else! Have Fun!