Shoot, CR Campaign

I know this is pretty much yesterday's news, but I just came across it again after 5years!

Over the years I have managed to acquire a bit of a reputation as something of a "Camera Whore" I'm not totally convinced that's really fair, but I certainly did go through a phase 5/6 years ago when I had several professional photo shoots and managed the odd appearance on mainstream TV as well as a few promotional videos. I think it all started with the photo on the left, this was, I think, my first season with the LGSO and was part of a series used to promote the orchestra and to use as cover photos on our programmes. It was certainly quite an occasion for me as it was over 10 years ago and before I was properly "out". I wrote a little about the occasion here and here.

The photo on the right is more recent, I think about seven years ago about the same time as that video, and was part of an outdoors exhibition for International Women's Day celebrating the women of Croydon ~ of course I was very flattered to be part of it. Even now I get a little thrill when my identity is affirmed, especially when it is done casually without thought, when like this I am just included amongst "we women".

These are from somewhere in between, probably about 8 years ago. The wonderful Vanessa Lees Photography took a series of photos of me and other trans people for her exhibition featuring trans people just going about our day to day lives. Again I was flattered to be part of this along with my bass!

A little bit more up to date now just a couple of months ago we hosted a photographer at the Phoenix Concert Band, he took some fabulous shots of the band, and even I managed to sneak into a couple of them. I do like this one, but it does remind me that these days my fashion choices are a bit more restricted, unless I am prepared to buy another whole new wardrobe!

More Musings

 At the moment I seem to keep passing milestones, and today is no exception. It is both a sobering and an encouraging day, for today I have received the first payment of my state pension. ~ I won't be living a life of luxury on it, but alongside my small occupational pension it does mean I will be able to live at some level of financial security. For me financial security is not something I have experienced for any substantial period of time having spent the majority of my career self employed, I hope to use these next few years to pursue some of the things that give me most satisfaction, making music, watching rugby, cooking (and eating) good food, and enjoying time with friends.

While indulging in the last two of those the other day two of us were considering our musical careers over the years and how different factors had impacted them, my lunch companion observed that whenever I referred to myself  in my pre transition days I either used my "dead name" or "Him" never "me". I have noticed this in other trans women as well, it is an interesting phenonium. I am generally quite careful of language (especially when in conversation with those I have not known for long) I  will talk of my days as a chorister ~ not as a choir boy, or when I was a child; I might refer to other girls but not other boys. I am also well known for referring to my pretransition days as "in another life". This is not because I don't know who I was or how the world experienced me back then, it's more because I don't want to screw with other people's minds too much.

Fat and Ugly?

Yet I suspect that there is also an element of disassociation as well, as though somehow prior to transition I was not really me. Now I am very proud of some of my achievements back then, I am proud of my music and of my sporting achievements ~ maybe not an Olympic gold medal but I certainly fulfilled my potential as a rugby player ~ of course most of all I am proud to be the father of a wonderful talented young woman. Yet often some of these almost feel as though they happened to somebody else, maybe that's age as much as transition. Often it is difficult or impossible to remember what it was like before, how I felt, how I acted, or indeed even how I dressed. 

I do remember that I always had a very poor self image, I was a fat child and have always thought of myself as fat, I have also always thought of myself as unattractive ~ how much of that is associated with my dysphoria I can't say ~ yet looking back on old photos I can see that I was neither.

On the other hand I know that now I am fat! I am also feeling extremely unfit and would have been going to the gym if it wasn't for this injury to my wrist. I have now finally seen a physiotherapist, and yes it is an RSI from playing the tuba! I have strained some tendons and have been given a regime to follow, hopefully I will be able to get back to playing the tuba soon, fortunately my next performance was always scheduled to be on trombone but I know that all the time I'm not playing or practising is going to be very difficult to make up for before the next flurry of performances.

Looking Forward, looking back and trying to remember a flutist

This recent article in the Guardian has triggered many thoughts, in no particular order, of course the first thought was that I don't remember him, but then I only remember a couple of the flutes anyway. Although in many ways the Croydon Youth Philharmonic Orchestra was exceptional one of the ways that it was typical of many orchestras is that we didn't mix socially outside of our sections, this was probably exacerbated by the fact that three out of four rehearsals were sectionals. While my love for orchestral music had already been established it was through CYPO that I had my first intense experiences of being part of an orchestra, and realising that this is what I wanted to spend my life doing.  I was certainly not around for a trip to Malta, who knows if I had gone to music college instead of leaving school and starting work I might have developed my love for that small Mediterranean island a lot earlier. The only music trip I got during my time was to Grimsby! a very different proposition. In my day the Local Authority was not giving grants for vocational courses other than medicine, and like many other families my parents were not prepared to pay for their youngest to go to music college when my two older brothers had received grants for their degrees.

It is now over 51 years since the inaugural concert of the Youth Orchestra, where I made many friends, discovered so much music, and had the the most intense rehearsal period of my life. Maybe we missed an opportunity and should have had a reunion of some sort. I know that a 52nd anniversary doesn't sound as dramatic as a 50th, but I wonder, if I was to organise something who would come? So, I am going to throw it out there ~ If I build it will you come? I know I am in touch through social media with a few of you, lets just ask round and see if we can do this before we all die off!

Arthur Davison, our conductor

The more serious thoughts are about the parlous state of schools' music now, when I was at school every school in Croydon had a set of instruments we could borrow, peripatetic instruments teachers came to all the schools, we had a schools wind orchestra (later 2 bands) a couple of schools' orchestras and the Youth Orchestra, all of this was available at no cost to parents. We were quite comfortably off, yet when I came home from school after my first couple of weeks and told my Mother that I wanted to learn an instrument her first question wasn't "Which instrument" or "are you sure/ you will have to practise" no my Mother's first questions was "How much will that cost me?" I strongly suspect that my parent's might have paid for lessons, but then to pay for a band and an orchestra on top of that might have stretched them, and then to buy an instrument as well may well have put them off ~ I am quite sure that many parents are put off now that is the case, and I am quite sure that many of my friends who learnt at the same time as me wouldn't have if there had been that cost attached. I know Keir Starmer knows all this because he talks about it here, can I still hope that things will improve?

Now music has become an expensive extracurricular that only a few can afford, add to that the very limited opportunities for young people to hear live music, ~ real people, playing real music, on real instruments in front of them ~ how are they going to know if they want to play or not. I recently performed at a junior school in Surrey, until that point none of the children had heard live music outside of school assemblies. There is an old adage that if you can't see it you can't be it, I think that also applies to if you don't hear it you can't play it!

Now I am moving into a new stage in my life I wonder if there is some way that I can help schools introduce more young people to music, to show them some of the possibilities that they might not be aware of ~ if we don't do something soon then not only will we not have the instrumentalists for our bands and orchestras, we won't have any audiences either.

Keir Starmer may now be the most recognised former member of CYPO but our alumni include Matt Dunkley, Roger Coull, Paul Goodwin, Dominic Hackett, Imogen East, Stina Wilson, Rupert Bond, Daryl Davison, Beverley Davison, and so many more of us who have contributed to the musical life of the Country.

Paris!

The outside of the Church

My last post left you all a little bit up in the air, for the really perspicacious of you yes I was in Paris. The Church we played in on the Friday was Saint-Etienne-du-Mont a church with a fascinating history dating back to the 6th Century, the current building is largely Gothic with large windows and flying buttresses, but as I was only there after dark it was the interior stone work that I really appreciated. As I was only involved in one piece in the concert I had plenty of time to appreciate the setting as well as the music ~ I also had plenty of time to get freezing cold! Not quite what I had in mind for a trip to Paris in the Springtime!

The interior of St Etienne as I never saw it ~ in daylight!

Right next to the Pantheon and close by the Sorbonne the setting is a notable as the Church itself, and right in the cultural heart of the city. Despite being so close to such big tourist draws we still managed to find some good traditional French food for our pre concert dinner, and then afterwards adjourned to a local bar, where we enjoyed some of the local  beverage!

Notra Dame du Liban with
the Paris Rainbow Symphony Orchestra

For our Saturday concert we moved venue to Notre Dame du Liban, built in the 19th Century it was a lot more comfortable and certainly less cold. Still in Gothic revival even though less spectacular much more accommodating! A large and imposing interior with a strangely unassuming entrance, we could have easily walked past without noticing. 

A bit like my own London Gay Symphony Orchestra one thing that is really noticeable about the Rainbow Symphony is that the average age is quite young ~ especially for an amateur orchestra. These days I've got to an age where I don't want to be part of a group where I don't raise the average age! From preference I certainly want to spend more time with people younger than me than with others around my own age, so this helped make the week a lot of fun.

There are still plenty of things I want to see and do in Paris, I do have a bit of a thing for ecclesiastical architecture, so I would still like to visit Saint-Denis and Sainte-Chapellle. Notra Dame is still shut after the 2019 fire ~ I have been there but would love to go back now I'm older. But the great thing about this visit wasn't being a tourist and visiting the historic sites, it was about sharing the joy of making music, making new friends and renewing some old friendships.

The delightful Mathilde and Corinne
A tuba section I'm not pretty enough to get in! 

My Office today

Well yesterday actually, although concert was so late it felt like this morning by the time we left.

I will be playing very much the same concert again this evening, to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the Rainbow Symphony Orchestra, but in a different venue. ~ should be fun. 

The one "fly in the ointment" is that I brought all the wrong clothes with me and was freezing last night! 

He's still a hero

Today I was planning to write a bit about how big, or small a part of my current life being trans is. Or in other words do I think of myself as a woman or as a trans woman. I still think this is an interesting question and one I want to investigate here but something has come up that I really want to talk about.

Each day, usually in the morning, I will turn on my computer, I will check out the latest Girl Genius and then Go Comics  for the latest Chickweed Lane. only then will I turn to the news, usually the Times of Malta and the BBC websites. A particular story on the BBC struck me today "Gary Lineker to be 'spoken to' after comparing UK asylum policy to 1930s Germany" for those outside the UK our Home Secretary has just announced her plans to exclude any asylum seekers, economic migrants, or indeed any other immigrants coming to the UK other through "legal routes". At the moment there are a number of immigrants coming to our shore across the Channel from France and Belgium in small boats ~ although a lot less than are crossing the Mediterranean to our southern neighbours. These restrictions including deporting and refusing to process asylum claims from anyone arriving by small boat, but not only that, they will also be banning anyone arriving by small boat from ever being able to apply for asylum, citizenship or even residence.

Not a Government Minister

I will admit to being confused about what is meant by legal means for as far as I can see from many countries there are no legal routes of getting here to apply for asylum ~ in effect this whole policy is designed to make immigration illegal ~ regardless of our major labour shortage, not just nurses and doctors, but agricultural labourers, builders, and many other roles that the British simply don't want to fill. These are policies brought before Parliament by our elected politicians ~ supposedly the great and the good. On the other hand Gary Lineker is an ex-footballer and sports pundit.

There appears to be a bit of a power imbalance here.

Now I personally think that our current Government is morally bankrupt and that these latest proposals bring them and our Country into disrepute. I also strongly suspect that they (like the previous proposals) are illegal.

 I feel that the criticism of them is legitimate and well founded ~ but that's not the point here. This is an unbelievably cruel policy and Gary Lineker has simple said that. He is not paid by the BBC for his political views but for his knowledge of football and his ability to communicate that. He does not represent the BBC, it's views or it's political or news reporting. ~ Yet it appears that he is to be sanctioned for having views and stating them ~ surely that is a basic right of everyone, unless their job is to comment or report on behalf of an organisation.

I think the BBC would have some right to sanction Lineker if he were to comment against policy on a footballer, a football club or organisation ~ bit that is actually encouraged!

It is a sad day for the UK when our footballers have more integrity than our politicians and more moral fibre than our national broadcaster. The BBC has been under attack from teh Conservative Party for decades now and they are just running scared and are freighted of giving balanced impartial reporting in case they lose even more funding.

In a not unlinked news yesterday the BBC also announced that they will be disbanding the BBC singers as well as cutting the number of salaried posts with the BBC Symphony Orchestra, teh BBC Philharmonic Orchestra and the BBC Concert Orchestra. At teh moment we don't know how many musicians will be made unemployed by this, but it is yet another devastating blow for our national music infrastructure.

Euphemistic?

A couple of times I have mentioned the stats we get from Blogger showing how many visits we get, these stats also show which posts have been visited. This week I'm a little surprised to see that four people have looked at one of my posts from April 2014, Euphonia, Euphonium, Euphonious, so I went back had a look at it myself. In that time a lot has changed, indeed almost everything referred to in that post has changed.

One of the stand out things is that I comment that I will be playing "as Paula" this puts it firmly into my "still cross dressing but trying to work it all out days", in those days I was as concerned about what I would wear to a concert as what I was playing. Earlier and I would not have dared go out and perform, later and there would have been no "as" these days it's very much just me.

My lovely big B & S
5 valve CC. Still very much part 
of the family since
January last year

Then I notice I refer to the "London Euphonia Orchestra" as a new orchestra ~ well of course back in 2014 they were new, but now may consider themselves to be reasonably established. I played with them twice before I lost patience with the inexperience of the leader and conductor. This is one of those many musical groups which seem to be founded primarily to give one person the opportunity to conduct. For us conductors I know it can be difficult to get that first gig, but this is not the way to get experience. I remember at the final rehearsal for that first concert with them the leader was still trying to sort out the bowings (something which should have been settled five weeks beforehand) and the conductor hadn't worked out how to set up his stand! I am sure that both will have improved beyond measure by now, but at that point I didn't need to be the one training them!

I'm not so sure about orchestras but I often muse that there are too many concert bands (in South London at least) as there are simply not enough heavy brass (horns, trombones, euphonium and tuba) player to go round them all. I suspect that a large part of this is the number of bands again formed to give somebody a conducting opportunity. In the last couple of years I know I have played in at least four that fall within this category. I suppose I shouldn't complain, after they do give me plenty of playing opportunities!

Not my new Euphonium, 
but one quite similar

Maybe if we had a few less bands then the ones that are left would be full of players and not constantly trying to recruit or poach the few decent players of the more "esoteric" instruments in the area.

Finally, those instruments ~ I do still have that euphonium, but only for a few days, and the big CC has gone, replaced by an even bigger but much less shinny CC. I have bought the replacement for the old euphonium, and have today taken it in for a service and a simple repair before using it in anger. Once I get it back I will be passing the old one on to a friend.

I have also recently bought a new EEb tuba, I have mentioned it before but haven't actually shown any pictures, mostly because I haven't taken any! It is quite an unusual instrument a Besson four valve compensating instrument, but with front valves rather than upright. I have only ever come across one other tuba player using one ~ and I think that was probably a different model. Designed primarily as an Orchestral instrument it works well in bands as much as it does in the orchestra. I'll be honest I think I'm in love with it, it just seems to work well in every environment I play in, and looks as good as it sounds.

I still haven't taken any photos of it so here is a stock photo of the same model ~ isn't it pretty!

The Perfect Weekend?

 I have spent most of today in bed, I'm not ill, I'm just shattered! One of the great things about my current status as self unemployed/semi retired is that I can just take a time out when I need one, and boy oh boy did I need one. When I eventually got home last night I felt broken, physically tired and emotionally drained. But I am not complaining, far from it I have just had one of the best weekends ever!

The weekend started with an early alarm call so I could get up, finish packing, load up the car, and have a cup of coffee before setting off for a band weekend away ~ or as some if you might know them, a band camp! This was my second with the fabulous Phoenix Concert Band who I have been conducting now for about 9 months. With most of the band and a few friends I think we were about 40 in all, of varying standard but all with the same enthusiasm. We mostly played music new to the band, and found some real gems, the couple that had been played before showed some very real progress from the band as a whole. It's certainly given me plenty of food for thought as I sort out a programme for our next concert in March.

Photo credit Peter Atkin (trombone)

 I had enormous fun but after 7 sessions conducting for about 8 hours in total, plus a session on electric bass with a scratch jazz band drawn from members of band I was very glad that I hadn't had to do anything else. The hospitality and food of the venue is without doubt one of the best, and the extra entertainment and "hospitality" put together by members of the band was fabulous.

As well as a chance to do some intensive musical work, these weekends away are a great way to forge relationships within the band, as we share (some fabulous) meals and leisure time together.

I finished the "Band camp" in deepest Surrey mid-afternoon, which just about gave me time to drive straight up to central London for the first rehearsal with LGSO for our next concert on the 19th February. It's and interesting and varied programme, and a fantastic part for me to play on my new tuba in the Rachmaninov 2nd Symphony ~ if you only know Rachmaninov for his piano music please come to this concert, the symphony is a real treat, even though it did not get immediate critical acclaim.

After all that it is no surprise that today didn't really happen ~ until I go to the Croydon Brass this evening. The other no surprise thing is that yet again I had a packing failure, I remembered by toothbrush and slippers, I remembered to pack a sufficient change of clothes and a choice between jeans, skirt and leggings ~ what I forgot was central heating so didn't take any light weight tops or tee shirts so ended spending a lot of the time a little too warm.

And.... the final good thing is that my being trans was never mentioned or and issue for anybody, we were all just a group of friends and musicians.

Another New Toy

The last couple of weeks autumn has been trying to get itself done, and in consequence I was spending all too much time clearing leaves up, I think these two magnolias eventually filled five of my big green sacks, at least on this job I didn't run out of day light"

This is two weeks out put from one garden, frustratingly most of those leaves are not from trees in my customer's garden, but from ones in his neighbours'. By the time I had loaded up the van and cleared up it was properly dark. At many of my customers clearing the fallen leaves is the final job of the year and I won't be going back till March to start the late winter/early spring pruning.

I am a little worried that at a couple of my gardens I hadn't finished clearing the leaves before yesterday's snow came.

Last week I was very lucky to be able to meet a good friend at Phil Parker's, London's leading Brass shop. It was good to meet up (tuba players don't often get a chance as so often there's only one of us per band/orchestra. I was particularly keen as I wanted his opinion on an instrument I was buying. To be fair not only did we agree on the instrument, he also helped me negotiate a good deal! So I am now back to three tubas!

I say I was lucky because it's that time of year when all brass players are active, somehow there is a natural affinity between brass and Christmas ~ maybe it's the influence of the Salvation Army, but it seems as though every brass band is out playing carols, and every choir, shopping centre, or Railway station would like one as well. That's great, it's nice to be wanted, but unfortunately there just don't seem to be enough of us to go around, and all too many of those choirs and venues don't want to pay!

Sunday's Office

Last week I had four performances, 1 playing, 2 conducting, and 1 stand up (I was particularly pleased with my stand up as this is only the second time I've done any, I felt a lot more relaxed and less self conscious than the first time, I now think there may well be a third time coming up) This week I've already had 2 rehearsals and a concert and it's only Monday afternoon!

Although I still have a few rehearsals I think I just have some carols to play on Saturday and a concert to conduct on Sunday. While I love all this musical activity, I'm doing most of it either on trombone or conducting, so I haven't yet been able to show off my new toy!

Tubas do not have a gender

 For any brass player this is a busy time of year, this year I seem to have overbooked myself to a ridiculous level, even by my own standards ~ this last weekend alone I have played in three performances, conducted two rehearsals and played in another two rehearsals! I won't say that this was without stress, although there is more stress in getting to the point of the performance with all the necessary players, music, stands etc. than in the actual performance itself.

There is of course also very little time for anything else, over at Cyrsti's Condo JJ has been writing about how transitioning as a trans person is selfish, it dawns on me that being an active musician can also be quite selfish ~ I certainly wouldn't have been able to have weekends like this if I was still married. I often think that I am trying to do too much, but then I reflect on all the things I do and cannot think of any one that I would be happy to stop. This monster is of my own creation! In many ways my biggest concern is that by doing so much, I may be diluting the quality of some of what I do, I may not be giving of my best because of being stretched ~ maybe a problem to be addressed in the new year, I certainly don't have time to think about it now.

But all this is beside the point, after yesterday's concert the band joined the audience for a cup of tea and a mince pie, I had a nice conversation with a lady, maybe just a little older than me. She checked that I was indeed the tuba player and observed how unusual it was to see a lady playing the tuba, or trombone (our first trombone is also female, but a good deal younger than me). This gave me the opportunity to get on to one of my hobby horses about how instruments do not have gender! There is nothing about a tuba, a trombone or indeed a double bass or a drum kit that makes them fundamentally male, yet even now the idea that they may not be ladylike or appropriate seems to persist in some areas.

WOW Greeting the marchers in Parliament Square

I was reminded about how, way back in 2018 when I was playing with WOW Brass for Processions at our first rehearsal we went round the room and were all asked to say what playing for this event meant to us. Not particularly wanting to "out" myself I recounted the story of a contemporary female friend who wanted to play the trombone, but when she told her school that, they more or less patted her on the head and said "never mind dear", what they did do was give her a clarinet and told her that if she got on OK with that then maybe she could learn the trombone later. I was by far the eldest there, and I'm sorry to admit that some of the younger members found it hard to believe me. But this was as recently as the 1970s, and is why it is so unusual to see women of my age playing the trombone or tuba.

Tell me again how unfeminine brass instruments are!
The WOW Orchestra Brass Section 2018

At the next rehearsal we had some extra players, including another trombone player about my age, she recounted how at school she had asked to learn the trombone, but had been given a clarinet and had been told to see how she got on with that. She was only able to learn the trombone properly when she joined the Women's Royal Army Corps as a musician ~ they had to retrain women to play the instruments that schools had refused to teach them.

The other side of this is the many young women who are discovering the joy of playing tubas, trombones etc. I recently played at the National Concert Band Festival at Watford, there was a youth band there with three tubas players, two of them were girls! I miss the WOW Orchestra and meeting these young women. The more women who do things that were traditionally considered male preserved then the more young women will see that these things are available and will pursue them them.

And I'm Back

I am perfectly prepared to claim that I am back by popular demand!

I recently took part in a young people's on line "Ask me Anything" session, it was a fascinating experience, and even though it was an LGBT+ group many of the questions were not ones I expected, at least one was "Why did I stop Blogging?" the answer was simply time!

Another recent development was an old ~ or should I say long standing? ~ friend found this blog post https://paula-paulasplace.blogspot.com/2015/02/get-with-program.html about my old youth orchestra the Croydon Youth Philharmonic Orchestra or CYPO for short. They shared the post on their own social media and there was a flurry of activity that has put me in touch with some more old friends. I think this might now be the most commented on post here. Given that next year is the 50th anniversary of this our inaugural concert (the subject of this post) and I was one of the very youngest in the orchestra we are all getting pretty old by now.

I have always led a bit of a charmed, or if you prefer blessed, life, first off I was born in September, making me one of the oldest in my school year, so in sport I was always one of the largest and strongest in my year group ~ a major advantage in my chosen sports ~ it also gives a bit of an academic advantage, although with my dyslexia I didn't really milk that particular one very well. I also managed to choose to play an instrument that nobody else in the Borough wanted to play, so I was able to join both the Schools Band and the Youth Orchestra way before I was really good enough. This meant that I had the benefit of sitting  next to to much better players and learning from some great tutors from a very early stage in my musical life.

It is that musical life that I am now hoping to concentrate a bit more on. I have cut my gardening business right back so there will be less pretty posts of the "My Office Today" type but I will carry on meandering through the various aspects of life as it confronts me. I am now MD of three different bands as well as playing to two others plus my Orchestra, so even though I might be cutting down in one area I am still just as busy as ever with everything else.

That's it for now, but I do have at least two other posts I have started and hope to have up soon, so please 

Watch This Space

Camera Whore

 Maybe not the title I am most proud of but one I acquired a few years back when my Orchestra took part in the BBC series the Great British Amateur Orchestra. It seemed as though every time a camera appeared it would be pointing at me! and this did not go unnoticed. More recently in my role as a trustee of Croydon Pride I have often been called upon to be a representative of "my community" and on occasion that has involved some photos. I think I have now been the model in at least four photo sessions.

Photo Credit Justin David 2013

I was recently reminded of the first ~ this was way back in the dim and distant past, before I was out, but after I had started playing with the LGSO I wrote a little about it both here and here; but I did not tell the whole tale, perhaps to protect my dignity and maintain some of the mystery.

We were asked to wear our idea of glamourous, this black evening dress fits the bill perfectly. What this photo doesn't show is one of the great features of the dress, it has a scooped backless design that runs into a very small train. Given that this was before I had even started my social transition, never mind anything else it presented certain, erm "structural" issues. Being backless I could not wear a conventional bra, not actually having any boobs I couldn't wear any other form of support. What I could do was attach my breast forms directly to my chest using a medical glue.

All went well until under the warmth of the lights I started to "glow" (Ladies glow, gentlemen perspire, horses sweat!) no problem nothing showed on my face, my makeup stayed just fine. Unfortunately the same couldn't be said for the so called "medical glue"! My left boob became detached and started to slowly descend down the inside of my dress. Poor Justin, the photographer, couldn't understand why I was so wooden, and at that time I was just too shy to tell him.

Later sessions didn't have the same issues I'm glad to say!

The next session was at home with my friend Vanessa Lees, I was part of a photo project she was running showing trans people just getting on with their real lives, rather than as subjects of glamour, desire or abuse.

Photo Credit Vanessa Lees Photography 2015

The Croydonist 2018

A few years after that I had a session for International Women's Day, we had a little outdoor exhibition of photos of women changing the face of Croydon, and this was my face. I rather like this photo, I definitely like the outfit, but I do remember that the photographer (sorry I can't remember their name to credit them) had terrible trouble with reflections from my glasses, so that's why they're on the end of my nose.

It was a very enjoyable experience and I was already so much more relaxed about the whole session than I had been just a few years earlier.

The latest one was just a few months later for Croydon Bid, the local traders association, an outdoor exhibition of local Croydon "Characters", I was alongside dancers, rock guitarists, actors etc. This time I was draping myself in the Pride flag rather than engaging with one of my instruments. I though this photo was just going to be a little thing up for maybe a month or two, it turned out to be larger than life size, and last time I checked it had been up for over two years.

Croydon Bid 2019

Fashions

This video is now a few months old, it's of a concert we played towards the end of lock down two in the summer of last year because of the restrictions of the time we used a reduced orchestra which in turn dictates the repertoire. In the LGSO we are very lucky to be able to put on big works. Not many amateur orchestras can put on some the big works we have played recently like the Rite of Spring or the Leningrad Symphony. I was not playing in this concert, because, well Mozart and Beethoven! I did very much enjoy being in the audience, I think it was one of our finest! Sometimes I wonder if we play the "big" works simply because we can and neglect so much great music because we are reluctant to exclude some players. Personally I really don't mind if the result is this good!

As a musician I am one of those animals known as a "Band Tart" ~ basically a reference to the fact that I'll play with anyone! At the moment I'm playing with an Orchestra and one band, regular conductor of two and guesting with another two. As well as keeping me busy this gives me a chance to keep up with different styles and trends within music. One of the joys of being a musician is that even though I have been playing for over 50 years now, there is still so much I haven't yet played. At our last orchestra concert I was actually playing in every movement of every piece ~ that's almost unheard of, indeed I can't remember the last time that happened to me! Not only was I busy but there was not one piece I had played before. On of these pieces was the Florence Price first Symphony. It is a fine piece of music and the writer was a remarkable character over coming so much simply to get her music played. This week I have come across at least two other orchestras that are working on this same piece. The same happened a few years ago with Shostakovich 7 "The Leningrad", not played for years then several performances close together.

The same thing happens with concert bands, for some reason a particular piece or composer will suddenly hit popularity and do the rounds. At the moment Goff Richard's march "Barnard Castle" is particularly popular. In Brass Bands it is often the selection of contest test pieces that will trigger a trend but I suspect that in all cases is it us "Band Tarts" who will say I played so and so with such and such a band that will put the piece in peoples minds.

It seems to be the same in blogs ~ I have just looked at a few of the Trans Blogs I follow and have noticed a number of them are talking about motivations and experience of transition, not the process, but the motivations. I suspect that we all read each others blogs and get inspired by each other. Well I think for now I will resist the temptation to write about my transition yet again ~ as my wife once observed with great enthusiasm "Not every thing is about gender!"

At the moment I choose to look to the future rather than reflect on the past ~ think about the music I want to play next, and the next great adventure in my life.

A Sad Day

 

Playing Big Shiny with the LGSO

A sad day, but I simply do not have the space for three tubas, so Big Shiny is for sale. I believe instruments need to be played so I really want her to go to a good home. 

 Conn International CC 4 Rotor Tuba | eBay

For the last ten or twelve years Big Shiny has been my main instrument, even though I only bought her to find out if I liked playing a CC, several of my live circumstances changed quite rapidly after that. These changes had other much bigger impacts, but one was that I could no longer contemplate buying a professional level instrument. All things change and as I wrote here I have now welcomed a lovely big B & S professional standard CC instrument into my stable. The downside of my stable is that it is very small and I simply do not have space for three tubas.

Mrs T

One of my few regrets in life was selling my old Hawkes & Co cavalry model BBb tuba, I just hope that selling Big Shiny won't end up being a regret. I like how she looks and how she plays, but in all fairness she does not play as well as the B & S and her sound is just not quite as robust, so now I just hope she goes to a good home, where she will get played.

New Toy

Again, I started writing this post some time last year at some point during a lock down, and never quite got around to completing it. Since then it has been sitting in the "Drafts" box waiting for some love. As I seem to be on a bit of a roll posting wise, at least until I go back to work tomorrow, I thought maybe it's time for completion. The new bits are in italics.

Some of my friends seem to think I have developed a dangerous habit of acquiring instruments, personally I don't think I have that many, and anyway the phrase "Too many instruments" is in my books an oxymoron.

Rehearsing for a Trombone Quartet

I have had my beloved Yamaha Bass Trombone (Precious) for about 30 years now, in some ways I feel as though I should be thinking about a replacement, but it is possibly the best instrument in my collection, and a replacement would be excessively expensive ~ maybe that could be an aim for a retirement present. 

Then I have my two tubas, a vintage Besson New Standard EEb which I have customised to make it a bit quieter and easier to play. Known as Baby (short for Baby Besson) as it is a bit smaller than a contemporary EEb I love this instrument, although she is now a bit bruised there are some pieces that she's just perfect for. 

Big Shiny

Until recently my Conn CC was known as "New Toy" but since I've had her for over ten years she is now known as "Big Shiny" For the last few years this has been my prime instrument for both orchestra and concert band, she has a big sound, looks great and I find the rotary valve tubas easier on my back than upright ones. The down side is that she's not really a professional standard instrument, this shows in the quality and thickness of the brass, the outcome is that as well as a few intonation problems, she dents way to easily, and if I really give her "the beans" the sound will "crack".

That's the serious selection, then come the toys! Not really toys but the ones I really can't claim any great level of proficiency on. I have been messing about with Bass Guitars for a few years now without gaining much in the way of ability, maybe there's something in that old adage about old dogs and new tricks. Last year I got given the best birthday present! A lovely sexy black five string Ibanez electric bass. I was gradually getting better, but find it difficult to practise on my own so my progress has stalled.

Partly because I have been having so much trouble getting used to five strings, I have now acquired a black four string Ibanez as well. It is lighter, slightly shorter scale and takes lighter gauge strings ~ all this adds up to much easier to play, but not as full a sound. I have gigged on both and can see the strengths of both, so I think they are both "keepers".

Then there is the Euphonium, an old unlacquered Besson Westminster, I know how to play the Euphonium, and I do have one ~ that does not make me a euphonium player! It is not just about proficiency on the instrument, I feel it is also a state of mind. I like to hide at the back playing a supporting role, otherwise I will have my back to the audience when I'm performing. I suspect euphonium players need to be a bit more of a show off. They are great solo instruments and get all the best bits in both Brass and Wind Bands. It's great fun every now and then, but I would never neglect my Basses in favour of euphonium ~ that means my scruffy but serviceable old Besson is quite good enough for anything I'm going to do.

I always maintain I do not play Tenor Trombone, so why do I have one? Well in theory I am just looking after it for the Croydon Brass Band, It's a fairly old but very nice Yamaha Bb and F (in the Conn 88H copper bell style) It is very nice, and I do play it every now and then, usually in an orchestra where the part is more 3rd tenor than proper bass. I also have a pBone, you know, just for shits and giggles.

After this lot it just gets silly, I don't really know why I have a Cornet, a Violin, a recorder and various bits of percussion, they just seem to turn up.

Too many? no! That's why I'm a very happy bunny to have just welcomed into the family a lovely big five valve B & S CC, and can I just point out that this is no "Toy", and that it is Big and it is Clever!

Back to March

Young Hopefuls

OK, so here in England we have entered a second lock down, not as severe as the first one but still enough to stop the music! It's made me think about all sorts of things. Like many people I suppose this year has concentrated my mind and led me to a lot of introspection. A few years ago one of my friends from way back in our youth orchestra days observed that somehow we had gone from being the hope for the future to has-beens without actually achieving anything of substance in between. I know just what he meant and at the time I couldn't help agreeing with him. Now I'm not so sure, I'm getting so much enjoyment/fulfilment from conducting that I have been reassessing my whole musical life. Although playing is great I am slowly coming to the conclusion that I am a better musician than instrumentalist. Technically there is much that I would like to be able to do that is beyond me, but I am finding it so invigorating to be able to help others produce a better performance.

I miss my rehearsals and everything about communal music making, but I think most of all I miss performing. At heart I think I am a bit of a show off, I like to be the centre of attention, I like to be recognised and acknowledged. This is reflected not just in my music making, but in pretty much every other aspect of my life. I will often find that I am the "front" for organisations I work with and I enjoy that!

2014 in Croydon Central Library

Normally by this time of the year I would have played 20 - 30 performances, many of them I should have been conducting, We would have had Croydon Pride, we would have celebrated the Transgender day of Visibility, who knows how often I would have spoken and been photographed. I believe the last two events I spoke at were around the LGBT History Month back in February ~ since then it just feels as though life has been on hold.

In any normal year I would now have been preparing for the Transgender Day Of Remembrance, TDOR, this will be the first year for a long, long time that this will not have been marked with an event in Croydon, as I seem have led every event since 2012 I was planning for 2020 to be my last, but given this years hiatus I suspect that I may well do at least one more. One thing is for sure, for the foreseeable future I am sure that there will be a continued need for the day to be marked and murdered trans people to be remembranced.

We Play a concert, and then it all stops!

 2020 has been tough on everybody, but for musicians it has been very hard. For much of the year we have been unable to rehearse, and performances have just been out of the question for the vast majority of us. I'm very much one of the lucky ones, as a gardener I have been able to carry on so at least I have had some income through the year.

Over the last couple of months rehearsals had started up again and various groups were even thinking about how we could perform again. Then on Saturday the Government once again put the Nation into lock down. In all honesty I can't say whether this is necessary or not, I am no expert and don't have the time or the inclination to read all the advise, I just do as I'm told! 

So Sunday we had our last Allegra Concert Band rehearsal for a while and tonight it is the turn of Croydon Brass . It hurts a little that this will be the second time I have had to shut both the bands I conduct down; the band I play in hasn't even been able to start up at all since March!

On a more cheerful note yesterday my Orchestra did manage to record and video a few pieces played by members of the Orchestra which we are presenting as our Autumn virtual Concert. It was an interesting challenge to record while socially distancing, it was all done in smaller groups but we still managed to utilise all the sections of the Orchestra and make some interesting music. I was particularly excited to play "Water Music" by Malcolm Arnold, he writes so well for brass this was a real treat.

The first part of the concert can be found here and here 

Unless your computer speakers are a lot better than mine I suggest you use headphones! 

Advent Calendar VII ~ Am I the First?

Am I the first?

Am I the first transgender conductor of a brass band? Am I the first trans conductor of a concert band? I don't know, and maybe more to the point I don't care! Whether I'm the first or the forty first doesn't matter. I just want to do the best I can. I want to make good music, entertain people and help the members of the bands enjoy making music. I don't want to be a trail blazer, I don't want to be a celebrity because of being trans, I don't want people to come and listen to my bands because they want to see the freak! I want them to come because we make good music.

The photo shows me conducting Croydon Brass at Stanley Halls earlier this year, this afternoon we will be playing for the switching on of the Christmas lights at South Norwood. We have already played one lot of "Christmassy" music for a "Deck the Halls" event, and on Thursday will be playing our final performance of the year, again at Stanley Halls as we do a joint concert with a friend's choir.

Now I'm conducting the Allegra Concert Band as well as Croydon Brass I've been prompted that it's about  time I changed my tag line to include conductor, so today I have done just that.

Not really very Christmassy I know, ~ but the music will be, which is more than can be said for tomorrow's concert with the LGSO! tickets are still available here, or on the door tomorrow

Honey, I'm Home!

I've not been around here much, for quite a while, indeed I see that my last post was for Easter, and a lot of water has gone under the bridge since then! I do like to keep busy, and I have done that so well that blogging seems to have gone a little by the board, but somehow it now seems like it's time to get back to doing some writing. I have missed writing and I have missed , my blogging buddies. Rather than try to catch up with everything that has happened, and everything I have thought since April I will try to restrict myself to current thoughts and events.

You will be pleased to know that when I say "current events" I have no intention of writing here about the self destructive path my Country has collectively embarked on, I will instead try to continue to stay non political here, if not in other places.

I am immensely pleased that even though I will be celebrating my 61st birthday in a couple of weeks I am still finding lots of new experiences to enjoy, new music to play and new places to play it. This is a photo from last weekend (17th August 2019) taken of the inaugural performance of the new UKLGBT Orchestra playing at St David's Hall in Cardiff. We were playing at the Gala Concert at the end of the Hand in Hand Choir Festival - I'm the glamorous tuba player on the extreme right of the stage!

I aim to be writing a lot more, but in order to do that I think I need to give myself some targets ~ of course they need to be SMART targets, Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Timely. So I will simply say that I will aim to make at least one post per week between now and the end of the year, that should be doable!

In the process I hope to catch up with all my blogging friends, record my adventures, and maybe promote some of the groups and activities I am involved with a little as well. For many of those groups it is an exciting time, both The Croydon Brass Band and TransPALS are going through a period of reinvention as they grow in membership and begin to have some operational funds. I'm looking forward to being active in the next stages of both. There are many things going on that cause me concern, much of the news I hear and read feels universally negative and frightening, yet the people I meet and the activities I take part in always seem to encourage me.

Knickers!!

Last time I posted I talked a bit about my aims for the year, I've not really done too well so far having last no weight at all and having only got to one concert that I wasn't playing in.   There was one aim I didn't mention as I have had it on my list for the last few years ~ to do a public stand up routine.   Well that actually looks like it's about to be fulfilled!

I hadn't listed going to the launch of a new range of lingerie. Last night I went up to town with some friends having been invited to the launch event for the GI Collection from Carmen Liu. It was a fun night and a joy to meet some wonderful people, including the designers mother and grandmother! The whole thing was only marginally marred by the presence of a few TERF protestors outside. I worry that their life is so empty that the best thing they can think of doing on a wet Thursday night in February is to stand outside in the rain ranting at people who just ignore them.  I can't say that I'll be buying any of their offerings, maybe 30 or 40 years ago, but these days I rate comfort higher than I used to.

I've also played in the most awesome concert, last month the LGSO played Shostakovich's epic seventh symphony, I was the third of six trombones, along with eight horns six trumpets stacks of woodwind and more percussion than you can shake a stick at. It's long, loud and leery. At the end of our performance I think the whole orchestra was emotionally and physically drained, maybe that's why we all seemed to need some wine to revive us.