Who's Brave?

BBC Radio Four forms the background noise to my life, It wakes me up in the morning, it is on in the van or the car, I listen in the evening when I first get home, and then often late at night it is the soporific that sends me to sleep.   This means I hear a variety of informative shows as well as some very entertaining ones, one show recently did a very interesting piece about Divorce and Gay Adultery, ~ fascinating but not an issue that will effect many of us.   The following week they broadcast some of the responses, and I was surprised by how many people had called in to say "me too".   The response that floored me though was one woman who called from what was a similar legal position, and one she found herself feeling very unsupported in.

This hit home because she was the former wife of a transgender Woman.   She complained that there was no formal support group other than the ones run for or by trans people, that all the support went to he ex~husband, the idea that they are brave coming out and going through transition, the exciting journey of self discovery, but that the wife wa neglected and left  behind in the dust of the euphoria of transition, alone without support.

My heart went out to this woman as I could see my own treatment of my own dear wife reflected in her story.   So often people tell me I need support, that I am brave, and how they admire my honesty. ~ What is so often forgotten is that I have been dishonest with the people who most deserve honesty, that I lied to me Wife and Daughter for years, they forget that it is they ~ my family ~ who really need support after my betrayal of them, and that it is them who are being brave.   It is them, especially my wife, who has had to pick herself up and build a new life, find a new identity, and re-build her self esteem, not from her own choice but through my actions.

You may gather that I have a great fund of guilt here, there is rarely a day goes past when I don't think of them and what I have done to them. I know I had to do what I have done, yet I am amazed and so pleased that they are still part of my life.   I suspect that this same story could be told by most trans women who were married, a very special few manage to stay together, but for most of us our marriages inevitable fail.

But what struck me so hard was the lack of mutual support, I knew there were support groups, organised by the Beaumont society and the like.   The trouble is that they are all organised by Trans Organisations.   I felt so much for this woman and all the others going through similar situations that I wanted to do something to help. But of course I can't because I am the enemy.

So am I brave? no it's my wife, and all those other wives and husbands who have been left feeling betrayed, used, abandoned, questioning their own sexuality and having to deal with it all on their own~ they're the brave ones.

I won't say that our marriage would have been rosey if I weren't trans, sure we had problems, but I suspect that this was the deal breaker!

It's just not Fair

Cristi Hart (what ever she may say about Stana a blogging superstar in her own right) has brought to my attention a post by Helen Boyd author of My Husband Betty on the en Gender blog

Basically she says points out that what ever we do about being trans it effects other people, and most of all our spouses.   Any form of trans activity is selfish, and what ever we do about it, transition, occasional outings, or hiding in the closet at home, it does effect and probably hurt those we love (or should) most.   I suppose this is the main reason why I am only semi out, the effect that my activities have on my wife are not good.   She now accepts that this is a part of me, and that it will happen, but it hurts and our relationship will never be the same again.   Just as if I had engaged in an affair, I might be accepted and allowed but the hurt is there and the damage done.

So today I joined in an event to try and diminish Homophobia and Transphobia, maybe by being open and "out there" we can slowly change preconceptions.   However as the event was quite local and involved a number of people who don't know, or know about Paula I was in drab.   I don't like showing people who have only so far met Paula "him" but the potential embarrassment for my wife of allowing some of the others meet Paula outweighed all other considerations.

Otherwise I will admit to feeling a little down as I won't have an opportunity to dress now until next Sunday's rehearsal (if I am lucky) and I do miss it.

Heavy stuff

While surfing through the blogosphere I recently read a post on a blog that really moved me, the stupid thing is I can't remember the name of the blog, or find it now.   It was written by the partner of a cross dresser, she gave voice to the pain that her husband had given her by concealing his "habit" by recounting the experience of helping a friend clear up her deceased husbands things, and coming across his stache of pornography.   This has had me thinking quite hard ever since I read it ~ I think those of us who do indulge ourselves in unconventional activities have a duty to our nearest and dearest to inform them.

I can't imagine the pain that could be caused to my family if I had a fatal car accident while dressed, or if something happened to me and my brothers were left with clearing things up and found my "wardrobe".   Maybe it is an age thing, I have now passed the point where I have longer to live than I have already lived.   My wife does know, she doesn't like it but she knows, by her choice no one else in the family does.   Another member of a forum I belong to has suggested leaving note explaining ~ just in case.   That seems better than nothing but not quite enough.   More than ever I feel that if I am going to continue with this ~ and I don't really think I have a choice ~ I think I have a duty to to be honest about it.   I know that at the moment my wife thinks that she does not want me to be out, but I think that if the worst did happen then she would appreciate the support of a friend who was already aware of what I do and what I am.

So what do I do about this, I have already written of my regret of not telling my wife earlier, of how the lie has marred our relationship, I think I should tell strategically selected friends.   Friends who will support my family if needed, friends who even if not supportive will not condemn.   I will give this more consideration, and probably will post again, but if you know the blog I am referring to please let me know who it is so I can thank them for making me think.

As an aside check out the tildes

Compulsive Behaviour

I have recently discovered Janie's blog she often has interesting and challenging thoughts, but has this week posed us all interesting questions on why we do what we do, and is what we do acceptable. In turn her thoughts were provoked by this post from the blog "Healing from Cross Dressing".   this site takes as it's premise that cross dressing is

1. A sin 
2. Harmful to families and society in general
3. Curable behaviour

It is also written from a christian point of view.   As a christian myself I have to take seriously at least some of what is written here, I would certainly give value to the points on damaged relationships, although i may question the reasons.   If you can read bot blogs with an open mind and see if you can come to any conclusions.   I haven't managed to yet.

Wardrobe Update

I have now had a bit of a chance to assess what got turned out from my wardrobe.   I haven't had a look in the bag currently lurking in my garage, but I have had a look through my draws (that is draws, not drawers) and go through the hanging space in my wardrobe.     The knicker draw that I referred to in an earlier post had my panties, bras tights and stockings in, they have all gone.   In my sock draw I have found a couple of pairs of knee highs (or trouser socks) in other draws a couple of skirts my roll necks and a pair of culottes escaped exile, curiously I seem to have retained a couple of pairs of plain cotton panties, while my men's silk briefs aren't there.

In the hanging section all the dresses and slips have gone, but my denim jacket, jeans, a formal jacket, a couple of pairs of trousers and a couple of skirts that were on the same hanger as my denim jacket all survived.   I should say that as far as I can tell at the moment everything has survived, just been put into exile.   The sword that I thought had fallen on my head remains suspended by a thread, but still suspended.

Next job is to find a better way to look after my wardrobe, out of the way but accessible, for the sake of domestic harmony I think I need to be more circumspect about  cross dressing activities; I also think that however reluctant my wife maybe about this we do need to talk, she is not good at talking, at any rate discussing, so I may have to force the issue, maybe even suggesting going to a councillor.

This all sounds a bit heavy, but I am so relieved that it is not as bad as I at first thought that I shall reward you all (and myself) with a picture!   This was taken back in June, I'm not sure if I have published it before, by the way the skirt and jumper I'm wearing were both still in my draws.

Thangs ain't what they used to be

Well it seems that the situation may not have been quite as bad as I had feared, I got home and found that most of my things a couple of dresses undies etc. were in a black bin bag on our bed along with a little case I keep make up wig jewelry etc. in.    I removed these to the garage, and nothing more was said.   There are a few items still in other draws, or hanging in my wardrobe, I will remove these shortly.   We did have some time alone and although I did not try to initiate the conversation I gave my wife every opportunity to, she declined the opportunity.

Some of this I am sure is her innate reluctance to talk about important things at all, she prefers to just express her opinion and then hope that everyone agrees - and we usually do.   I thought I had managed to reach some level of acceptance, but I obviously pushed the limits too far.   I think as long as I am more circumspect, and keep everything to do with Paula out of sight, then maybe it will also be a case of out of mind.   At the moment everything is in the garage, this will do for the time being but I will have to find a more appropriate accessible storage option.   Maybe some self storage or some form of locker which will take a couple of cases....looks like I have some investigation to undertake.

The main thing is that it looks like I am still part of this family, and that I don't need to murder Paula.

Priorities

I got a text message from my wife today saying that she had "bagged up my STUFF it has to go!!!!!" there was more to the same effect.  This is not good (I will leave the exclamation marks to my wife).

As I have said before there are times when family comes first, this has to be one of them.   However I know that what my wife realy wants is a total end to all my cross dressing activities, I am now pretty certain that I can't do that, if I could of I would have stopped years ago.   I need to understand the situation better, and do what I can to reassure my wife, without making promises I can't keep.   I am not sure how this will pan out, at best I will have to curtail Paula's activities and give up any underdressing, not sure yet whether this will impact on this blog or not, I hope that I will be able to continue writing even if I have to limit what else I do.   As they say watch this space for the next exciting episode.

Am I selfish

Well the answer has to be yes, in so many ways, but here I am specifically concerned with my cross dressing.   Like all too many of us I thought that when I got married I would be able to control any residual urges I might feel to dress.   At the time of our marriage I was so in love and so satisfied that I was feeling no urge at all to dress, I thought this was something that was finally behind me.   If course the compulsion re-emerged and eventually my wife found out.   It has been a difficult time for her, it is not something she chooses to talk about but I know it causes her pain - and I carry on anyway.   That is the nature of the compulsion.   I try to stay at least semi closeted for her sake, she finds it bad enough that I do this, that others should know would mortify her.

Looking on T Central I saw this and followed the links, I suggest you do the same

    "Andrea is the partner of Jane Fae, who has spent most of the last two years in transition and had her GRS last year, For Andrea that two years marks a significant anniversary, for it was two years ago that her bloke came out to her about gender issues.
In her post "Two Years On", she reflects on those two years, and how it has affected her. Required reading for any of us who have wives, husbands or partners. "

I have no plains, or indeed inclination to transition,  I am still too fond of Him, but  suspect that much of this mirrors my own wife's experience and that of many of our partners.

Risks

Following on from my last post, I except that there are risks of being found out, of being read, and recognised, every time I go out.   Perversely I suspect that part of the excitement is in the risk.   I also think that there is a very strong desire to be out, to be recognised for what, for who I am.    However I am not at all sure that this is the best way of coming out.   There is and should be a difference between being found out and coming out.   With my wife I was found out and it has been very difficult for us to reconcile my cross dressing with the rest of our relationship.   With a relationship that is less well grounded I can understand how this sort of thing can be the end of the relationship.

Now I do know that I like to push at the boundaries of gender appropriate clothing, this evening I attended a band rehearsal wearing sheer tights under ladies jeans (no socks) a floral man's shirt and a ladies denim jacket.   If challenged I have told myself I would say that yes I am a cross dresser, but would I follow through, would I have the moral courage to admit who and what I am? I simply do not know.

I have a GG friend who plays in a couple of bands with me, she is generally quite liberal in attitude, and also works with me one or two days a week during the busy growing season, I am determined that she should know about Paula, but to quote Captain Jack Sparrow, I have been "waiting for the opportune moment".   I think I need to take my courage in both hand and create that opportune moment.

The Risks I take

I very nearly outed myself by accident the other night. as I have written elsewhere I went to the Theatre on Saturday night, this was a very pleasant evening with what I thought an excellent play.   Primarily a moral tale with the message of nothing in excess.

I enjoyed the play so much that at Monday night's rehearsal I gave it a bit of a boost, telling a few members of the band how much I enjoyed the play.   This was when I found out that one of the members of the band is in the cast!

I had not recognised him, and he made no mention that he may have recognised me, I just hope I haven't embarrassed him!   This made me realise that although I pay lip service to the idea that if everyone knew about Paula, then I could live in freedom to dress how I want to when I want to, well I may not be quite ready for that yet.   Most of all the thought of risking much that I hold dear is worrying.   In future I think I need to be a bit more careful, and play away from home.

Am I Bovvered?

Now as a general principle we cross dressers are a pretty secretive bunch.   I suppose that it sort of goes with the territory, so many individuals, and society in general rather disapprove of what we do, well maybe not so much what we do but how we choose to dress to do it.   Most of us are in the closet to some extent, some in deep, others emerging like butterflies on odd days, some are more or less totally open, but will still have some areas where they daren't stray.

I considered for quite a while whether to put up yesterday's picture.   I prepared two versions of the post one with the photo, and one without.   In the end I decided that I like the photo and if anyone reading this blog recognises me from it, then I will question why they were reading the blog to start with.    So am I bovvered, do I care who knows about Paula, well in many ways I think my life would be a whole lot simpler if it were generally known that sometimes I like to wear women's clothes and go out dressed that way.   I know some people would disapprove, but I tell myself that that is their problem not mine.

On the other hand I know my wife would be absolutely mortified if she thought anyone else knew.   I love my wife and my daughter, and would not choose to do anything that would hurt them, therefore I have to be bothered (sorry I just can't carry on spelling it like that) for their sake.   We have to consider the feelings of others, the effects our actions can have on them as well as ourselves.   So if any of you do recognise me from yesterdays photo, but hadn't from the others already posted, drop me a line, but don't tell the wife.