I woke up this morning to the news that our wonderful new Prime Minister thinks that GPs are not pulling their weight and should be available for 12 hours a day seven days a week. Given that we are already several thousand GPs short of where we should be I wonder where these hours are going to come from. Do I really want to see a Doctor who has already been working over 10 hours? The Junior Doctors have been bludgeoned into submission, now it's the GPs turn. I wonder why people would choose to go into the medical professions in this country at all.
Then there the terrible "documentary" on BBC the other night titled "Transgender Kids, Who Knows Best" this was a total travesty only serving to confuse the issues by giving way too much credence and air time to discredited doctors who have been removed from trans clinics because of their abusive practises ~ practises which are illegal in the UK!
I was feeling pretty depressed before the day had even started properly, I as tempted to stay in bed all day, but there were things that had to be done whether I felt like it or not, so I did get up. I bumbled around the flat for a couple of hours before realising that I had only just enough time to get to the building society before it closed, and I needed to make a couple of transaction. Charging off in a hurry I just about made it in time, and the friendly greeting I got from the cashier made up for everything. It was so nice to be greeted by name, told that she had missed me, her genuine smile made me feel wanted, and valued ~ they can't teach that in customer service school!
I can't say that I was so cheered up that I had a wonderful productive day, but I did manage a bit of cooking and spent the rest of the afternoon reading on line cartoons, and feeling a bit peeved that they have now managed to change the site I use so that I can't share the cartoons here anymore.
I have to apologise to Alice, I can't believe how stupid I was yesterday, I managed to put in nine separate links, which may in itself be a record, and missed the single most important one. The one that prompted the whole post!
This is the post I was planning to make yesterday, before my frustration boiled over and my bile needed to be vented. Actually as a follow up I did eventually phone EON myself I now have yet another appointment for the 30th January, we will have to see whether they can manage that one, and what sort of an offer they are prepared to make by way of compensation.
But now on to more cheerful matters, through blogging I have friends that I have never met, some live quite close, even within the same County, but many live far away, on other sides of the World. Even though I have never left Europe I now have friends in Australia, USA, and Canada. I may well have initially come across their Blog because of some Trans content, but carried on reading and interacting with them because I am attracted to the whole person. I am sure that if I had first met Joey in person we would have run a mile from each other, we have very different tastes in music, in clothes, in holiday destinations and many, many other things. But get past those superficial matters and we find that we share our faith, our love for our (sometimes difficult) daughters, and many of the more important things in life. Kim and Cyrsti are both Americans who served in the armed forces, and April a Canadian motoring journalist trying to make a living any way she can, in a trans mysoganstic world.
These bloggers become friends as we follow them, so it is very sad when one of them drops out of our lives, I miss my friend Meg, I still see the odd comment from her on Blogs we both follow like Femulate but I still miss her wit and accounts of her adventures. I miss April and her wonderful cars, and I miss the border line obscene posts at Silver Halide Dreams. So it was a wonderful surprise the other day to see a post from my favorite Australian Engineer after nearly 10 months absence. It was even more of a pleasant surprise to find that I had triggered the post by my piece Why? the other day.
One thing that seems to unite us all at the moment is weight, Alice has lost 5kg but is still trying loose more, Stana has lost 14lbs and wants to shed another 9lb, while back here in snowy Croydon I want to shed at least 1 stone, and would like to get rid of another half. I think that says something about the location of each of us. I can use either Imperial or SI units for most things, I can do miles or kilometers, I can do feet and inches or meters, I can do tons or tonnes, but I just can't relate to personal weight in anything other than stones!
This week has been interesting, Monday had been the day I was expecting to return to work, but my appointment was cancelled, and it poured with rain for a good proportion of the day. Tuesday the weather wasn't bad but I could do little as I had a treatment appointment in the middle of the day, then yesterday YAH! I managed a full day's work, pruning a very over grown lilac that I have been dying to get to grips with for a good couple of years. Now today I am waiting at home for the men from EON to come and change my electricity meter.
When I moved in over a year ago first of all it was difficult to find out who my electricity supplier was, then I found that it was impossible to get my prepay meter changed until I had been a customer for over six months, well after six months I was very busy and only got round to organising a change in November. I made my phone call and got a appointment on the 6th December, great I would be sorted out before Christmas! The week before the appointment I had phone call from EON postponing the appointment, till the 19th December, well it was inconvenient but I could rearrange things to fit the new date of the 19th December and I would still be sorted before Christmas.
Well that just shows what misplaced confidence does! After four phone calls from the "engineer" asking for directions, clearly unable to follow simple instructions or use a Satnav. When he did eventually get here he took one look at the installation and told me that he couldn't do it as some steps were needed and he was not allowed to do that without another trained member of staff there with him. A new appointment was made for today. An appointment for between 8:00 and 13:00.
As I type this at 12:52 no "engineer" has arrived, but I did get a phone call from one to tell me that when he looked at his job sheet he saw that a ladder was needed so he couldn't do the job! I am now awaiting a call from EON to tell me what they intend doing now. Frustrated suddenly seems an inadequate word!
It all started with a post on All About Lucy then this was picked up by T Central who passed on the challenge about why some people appear to stop going out "dressed" the challenge was then picked up by Joanna Santos on her Blog Musings from my everyday life. Well reading these has made me ponder and consider this question, and how it has affected me over the years. So I now pick up the baton and add my own considerations, very much based on my own experiences of over 50 years of trying to sort out my own gender expression.
I totally understand Joanna's point of view, and indeed will echo much of it, she considers this as a sign of the difference between those who I will call Recreational Cross Dressers and Transgender people, I am not so convinced. For much of my life I considered my self to be a cross dresser, it was nice to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there. Like many of us I would have periods of quite intense dressing, when I would not only grab at every opportunity to dress but would actively contrive opportunities. During these times I would also "underdress" braving all the old jokes about "travelling in ladies underwear" risking exposure and ridicule. Typically these periods of intensity would be followed by a time of self revolt and a purge ~ the disposal of all of the clothes and paraphernalia associated with the activity.
This was also always very much a covert operation. I would hide my stash, stay at home or only go out in my car or maybe for a walk somewhere quite and dark (incidentally very much the places that should most be avoided as being the most dangerous places of all). I was very much frightened of being discovered, but also incredibly excited about potentially being visible. Fear and excitement kept in balance, but maybe reality way out of balance. I never went in for communal recreational cross dressing, indeed it was not until I started to come out that I realised that there even was such a thing.
Now I feel that we should also consider the sexual nature of dressing for some people. I have never had, or wanted a relationship where dressing up formed part of the relationship, or sexual explorations; for me that would actually be a turn off, but I fully understand that for some it is and important and essential part of their expression. If this is the case I can see that as people age, the sex drive diminishes or partners change then this could well be a reason for either stopping dressing or at least doing it in public.
Although for me there were large parts of my life when I did not think about my gender every day, or even every week, but it always came back. Looking back I feel that I probably always was trans, but felt that somehow this expression was not available to me. There is a big difference between the "Recreational Cross Dresser" and the Trans person who can only express their gender identity through the clothes they choose to wear, yet often most of us have had periods of self disgust which in turn led to rejection and purges, meaning no "dress up" for some time. Only for the need to return. It is entirely possible that during these periods of not dressing we get into relationships, some partners will embrace this aspect of us, others will tolerate (within boundaries) and others again will totally reject. This is for many the biggest factor in how much they can physically express their gender variance.
This post has already got far to long and rambling, so now I must abandon it all together, wrap it up, or turn it into a thesis, so here goes with trying to get to a conclusion.
Some of us can't give up and end up with a new life ~ often at the cost of the old one.
Some of us are so attached to the old life and family that they will manage control the drive to express their true gender.
Some of us will have changed social situations that will drive their dressing into private.
Some will be able to stop altogether.
In short just as in so many other aspects of life we are all different.
Most of us have had quite a lot of time off, one way or another. By the very nature of my work this is a pretty quite time, add to that all the general festivities and I don't think most of my customers really want to see much of me around Christmas and the New Year. What all that mean for me this year is that I stopped work on the 22nd December and planed to resume today.
I have not been idle during that time, I now have a new wash basin and a hot water system in my bathroom, and I expended a lot of energy watching my friend install them. What should have been a fairly simple job turned into a bit of a nightmare thanks to the highly bodged plumbing and electrics that were there to start with. I still want a new shower, but that will have to wait thanks to the money I had to spend on the van last month. Anyway, after all this diversion today was the day I was planning to return to work. So much for planning! The appointment I did have has been cancelled, and now it is raining so any of the outdoor work I have lined up will have to wait.
I think I will have to work at some more planning, this month I have a compost system to build and a fence to plan, maybe I should get on with tidying the flat up a bit as well, oh yes and fix the car and sort out the van and, and, and.......................
Even though I have posted very little I have not been totally idle. Well not totally! I had the joy of celebrating the New Year by taking part in the London New Years Day Parade, my jazz/blues band played on the Lambeth Float run by St Christopher's Hospice . This was great fun, maybe most of the crowd had a little difficulty hearing us but we really enjoyed playing, until the rain came, and boy did it come! By the time we reached the end of the Parade we were totally soaked, I had to empty around 2 liters of water out of my tuba, and I think I must have been storing about the same amount in my pullover!
Although all we did was play some tunes on the back of the float it was most gratifying to be part of this, and then to find that "our" float Pegasus Arising by St Christopher's for Lambeth Council was placed second!
I'm afraid that the soaking did me no good at all and since then I have been nursing a cold, and not feeling up to much at all, at least at this time of year I know I'm not the only one.
I have yet to decide what I am doing tonight, I will be meeting some friends for an early supper this evening, before they go to play in the New Year with a different band.
As it stands at the moment I will then be on my own. I have always felt that New Year is one of the most over inflated festivals, but at the same time it might be nice to mark it. I may pop into a local hostelry or something in the centre of town, if I do it may be an opportunity to dress up for the occasion.