Shoot, CR Campaign

I know this is pretty much yesterday's news, but I just came across it again after 5years!

Over the years I have managed to acquire a bit of a reputation as something of a "Camera Whore" I'm not totally convinced that's really fair, but I certainly did go through a phase 5/6 years ago when I had several professional photo shoots and managed the odd appearance on mainstream TV as well as a few promotional videos. I think it all started with the photo on the left, this was, I think, my first season with the LGSO and was part of a series used to promote the orchestra and to use as cover photos on our programmes. It was certainly quite an occasion for me as it was over 10 years ago and before I was properly "out". I wrote a little about the occasion here and here.

The photo on the right is more recent, I think about seven years ago about the same time as that video, and was part of an outdoors exhibition for International Women's Day celebrating the women of Croydon ~ of course I was very flattered to be part of it. Even now I get a little thrill when my identity is affirmed, especially when it is done casually without thought, when like this I am just included amongst "we women".

These are from somewhere in between, probably about 8 years ago. The wonderful Vanessa Lees Photography took a series of photos of me and other trans people for her exhibition featuring trans people just going about our day to day lives. Again I was flattered to be part of this along with my bass!

A little bit more up to date now just a couple of months ago we hosted a photographer at the Phoenix Concert Band, he took some fabulous shots of the band, and even I managed to sneak into a couple of them. I do like this one, but it does remind me that these days my fashion choices are a bit more restricted, unless I am prepared to buy another whole new wardrobe!

Queer?

Yesterday I used the word "Queer" very much in the old sense, of not right, the way it was used as an insult. I am of the generation that can still find the word problematic because I grew up hearing as an insult ~ along with any number of others from the relatively mild "poofter" to many far worse that I will choose not to repeat here. I used the word to try to show the attitudes of the time, and my reluctance to own that part of me.

Yes it really is called that!

I am also very much aware of the movement to repossess the word, but what do we mean by it? Do we just mean everybody who isn't cis gender heteronormative? or, do we include those who may be "straight" but maybe have divergent gender expression? how about "Straight passing" middle class gay man, possibly a member of the Tory party? I'm really not sure that we should be trying to define it, but I suspect that often members of the queer community recognise another when they meet. I was told a little while ago that I wasn't really queer as I tend to just live the life of middle aged, middle class lady who just happens to play the tuba. I see what he meant, to most purposes that is the life I live ~ this week I am a lady who lunches!

Not Queer at all

Is it something about our lifestyles that makes us queer, or is it simply by not conforming in our sexuality or gender identity. Is it us or society that makes us queer? Most of the time yes I am just a lady of a certain age, most of the time I don't think about being trans, most of the time the people I'm with don't think about me being trans, but every now and then something happens and I am suddenly made aware that I don't quite fit with other people's, or indeed society's, idea of who and what you have to be, and been, to be just a a woman ~ that's when I am made to feel queer! 

I do remember wandering around the field of Croydon Pridefest, I think it must have been in 2018, and think "I've found my people", it was only in that environment where I could feel truly free, where I could be fully me. No judgement, no rules, no expectations. Maybe that's what all of society should be like!

Camera Whore

 Maybe not the title I am most proud of but one I acquired a few years back when my Orchestra took part in the BBC series the Great British Amateur Orchestra. It seemed as though every time a camera appeared it would be pointing at me! and this did not go unnoticed. More recently in my role as a trustee of Croydon Pride I have often been called upon to be a representative of "my community" and on occasion that has involved some photos. I think I have now been the model in at least four photo sessions.

Photo Credit Justin David 2013

I was recently reminded of the first ~ this was way back in the dim and distant past, before I was out, but after I had started playing with the LGSO I wrote a little about it both here and here; but I did not tell the whole tale, perhaps to protect my dignity and maintain some of the mystery.

We were asked to wear our idea of glamourous, this black evening dress fits the bill perfectly. What this photo doesn't show is one of the great features of the dress, it has a scooped backless design that runs into a very small train. Given that this was before I had even started my social transition, never mind anything else it presented certain, erm "structural" issues. Being backless I could not wear a conventional bra, not actually having any boobs I couldn't wear any other form of support. What I could do was attach my breast forms directly to my chest using a medical glue.

All went well until under the warmth of the lights I started to "glow" (Ladies glow, gentlemen perspire, horses sweat!) no problem nothing showed on my face, my makeup stayed just fine. Unfortunately the same couldn't be said for the so called "medical glue"! My left boob became detached and started to slowly descend down the inside of my dress. Poor Justin, the photographer, couldn't understand why I was so wooden, and at that time I was just too shy to tell him.

Later sessions didn't have the same issues I'm glad to say!

The next session was at home with my friend Vanessa Lees, I was part of a photo project she was running showing trans people just getting on with their real lives, rather than as subjects of glamour, desire or abuse.

Photo Credit Vanessa Lees Photography 2015

The Croydonist 2018

A few years after that I had a session for International Women's Day, we had a little outdoor exhibition of photos of women changing the face of Croydon, and this was my face. I rather like this photo, I definitely like the outfit, but I do remember that the photographer (sorry I can't remember their name to credit them) had terrible trouble with reflections from my glasses, so that's why they're on the end of my nose.

It was a very enjoyable experience and I was already so much more relaxed about the whole session than I had been just a few years earlier.

The latest one was just a few months later for Croydon Bid, the local traders association, an outdoor exhibition of local Croydon "Characters", I was alongside dancers, rock guitarists, actors etc. This time I was draping myself in the Pride flag rather than engaging with one of my instruments. I though this photo was just going to be a little thing up for maybe a month or two, it turned out to be larger than life size, and last time I checked it had been up for over two years.

Croydon Bid 2019

Glamour Girl

Over the last year or so I have been privileged to have had three different photo shoots ~ one of them was a "prize" I had the shoot for free, but had to pay for the photos ~ so not exactly a total bargain, but out of that I got some good pictures, including a couple of head shots that I use for both the bands I conduct, the Croydon Brass Band and the Allegra Concert Band .

I am so proud to have written that last sentence, I start as permanent Director of Music with Allegra tomorrow! I did a lot of work with them over the Summer, and was appointed last month, but due to other commitments tomorrow will be the first rehearsal I can attend since then. I am really looking forward to working with them for many years.

But to get back to my theme ~ The other two photo shoots were both paid for leading to specific exhibitions, both of them outdoors exhibitions! The first was for International Women's Day I was selected as one of the Women changing the face of Croydon, I had a very enjoyable time chatting and having my photos taken, then for the month of March we had our photos pasted up on hoardings opposite the Town Hall.

I was a little surprised just how many people noticed it, and then contacted me to comment ~ all positive ~ on my photo and the exhibition. A few of my friends were featured as well, it's things like this that make Croydon a rather wonderful place to live.

Later in the year the people who run the Croydon Town center found they had a couple of empty shop fronts and wanted to cheer up the area. They also wanted to promote a positive image of Croydon ~ all too often it is portrayed as a depressed, oppressed violent place, not the vibrant, multi cultural, community it really is. The idea was to feature photos of Croydon Heroes. Once again I was asked if I would be one!

So along side artists, entrepreneurs, teachers, and local celebrities, there's a poster size photo of yours truly!

This is easily the most vain post I have ever put up, but it is only partly an excuse to show off my photos, it is also my chance to observe that I always used to be a bit uncomfortable having my photo taken. In consequence I looked a bit wooden and characterless ~ that has all changed, each of these three session I really enjoyed, I was relaxed and comfortable, and I think it shows. The big change is of course that I am now being authentically me, I think  my comfort with having my photo taken is a reflection of my comfort being me!

I'm still looking back

Summer was fabulous, not just the weather that was stunning, but I also had a fabulous, very busy time. I spent most of my working hours wearing shorts and a sun top, I've still got a bit of tan, and even though there were some days when it was simply too hot to work on the whole I loved it. Of course it was very stressful for a lot of plants and many lawns suffered badly. It's no good watering once the drought has started, good roots are needed and that means watering lots not too often throughout the year.

Playing in Parliament Square for Processions

Apart from work I had the usual load of concerts, and activities, taking the lead amongst them this year was playing for WOW Brass for the London Processions

It was a very hot day, and I suspect that I might not have been the only one who started to regret the decision to wear black!  It was wonderful to play brass band music with so many other women, but it also underlined the simple fact that there is still a lot of prejudice in music, especially around which instruments it is suitable for a woman to play. Whilst we had plenty of trombones I was the only Bass Trombone, and for a band of around 80 we could only muster 3 tubas, and they were all EEbs.  There is still a lot of work needed to encourage girls to take up some of the instruments still perceived to be male. Instruments do not have gender they have character, they have sound, and the have roles, these can be male, female, both and neither. ~ On this note on Sunday I will be attending the first WOW Brass Development Day, I may not get to do much playing but I'm still looking forward to it.

With my new friend at Croydon PrideFest

The other big event was Croydon Pride. As I am a trustee and part of the planning committee we had lots of meetings, lots of stress, and lots of work in the lead up to the big event. Croydon Pride is very much a year round organisation with events going on most months, but of course the Pridefest is the big one.

Once again it was a wonderful sunny day, thousands of people turned out and I think everybody had a great time. Of course Pride is not just an excuse for a great party, it is still also a protest, all the time any part of the LGBT+ community is being oppressed we need to stand together and make it clear that it is not acceptable. At the moment it seems to be Trans Women who are most under attack (for any number of reasons Trans Men are not being singled out for the same levels of abuse). I have been trying not to dwell on this too much here as plenty of others are much more engaged than I am, but, when we get regular abuse in National Newspapers, Radio, TV, and Parliament it is difficult not feel picked upon. I hope that 2019 will be better, but in all honesty I don't expect it.

At Amsterdam Pride with my Daughter, 

the coolest person in the City

Croydon was not my only Pride, I marched in Pride in London (so I wasn't aware of the furore at the front until the next day), I marched in Trans Pride Brighton, and I was on the shore watching Amsterdam Pride ~ I think I have written pretty extensively about all of these at some point here so won't go on too much about them now, each was fabulous in their own way.

Amsterdam was a great trip with the fabulous London Gay Symphony Orchestra we played a great concert, we enjoyed the parade (on the canals!) we laughed so much we cried, we also discovered that Amsterdam is maybe not quite as inclusive as we thought, it was very much a Gay Pride and since neither my Daughter or I consider ourselves to be white gay men we felt a little left out and withdrew to our hotel.

To my shame I got to very few concerts I wasn't playing in, but outstanding amongst the ones I did get to was seeing "The Sweet" playing in Oxted. I loved them in the 70s and I still do!

The Camera can Lie!

Way back in July at Croydon Pride I won a makeover and photo shoot with a local studio,  Hello Gorgeous.

I have just had a big birthday, indeed I have just had a very BIG birthday! So as part of my celebrations I took up my prize and had my professional photo shoot, this involved having some make up done and bit of styling to my hair and a lot of photos. I was encouraged to take along a couple of favorite outfits so I set aside something a bit slinky so that maybe we could do a couple of "glamour" shoots. I then studiously left that bag at home, so I just  had the suit I wore.

That suit is of course more than fine, it was chosen for me by my daughter, I am not sure I would have bought it myself but I find a absolutely love it.  I like the length, the tailoring and the combination of fabrics. Somehow it seems to make me look even taller, and (a very good thing) slimmer!

I think I look rather strange without my glasses, but that is just what I am used to. the photographer, a lovely young man called Z, insisted that we try a few shots without my glasses He felt I looked fine without them, and was having some problems with reflections, and in the end I had to agree that a couple of them made it into my final selection.

I quite surprised myself with ho much I enjoyed the experience, in the past when I have done anything like this I felt very self conscious, my movements have been a bit mechanical, I simply could not relax and definitely did not enjoy the experience ~ however nice the photographer! I think my friend Justin almost despaired of getting any sort of shot that would be usable when he tried!

This time I relaxed quite easily, I could follow the photographers instructions, my smiles were genuine, even if some of the poses I had to adopt felt anything but.

Given that my previous phot shoots were in "a previous life", I can only assume that this is a symptom of how much easier I feel with myself, my new found real self confidence (as opposed to the act I used to be pretty good at), and an added contentment with my body and my looks.

This is all quite timely as both the Brass Band and the Croydon Pride websites are about to undergo some updating and it will be nice to have a proper "publicity" head shot for them, and hopefully I will need a good photo for a concert program again at some point.

Hamster Jam

I've been told off for not writing enough, for being absent, for disregarding you, my loyal, loved readers ~ well something like that anyway.  Am I allowed to admit that I have been distracted, much stuff has been going on, I have been out and about, I have been acquiring and disposing of vehicles, I have played concerts and seen some fabulous things and some which unfortunately I will never able to unsee.

TransPALS goes to Amsterdam

Last weekend the London Gay Symphony Orchestra went on a short tour of Amsterdam, a short tour because we actually only played one concert. It was an excellent concert with lots of highly emotional lush romantic music, in a wonderful venue with excellent acoustics. We even had a large appreciative audience.

Large in two ways, we had quite a few people there, but since most of them were Dutch that also meant they were very tall. The Dutch are the tallest people in Europe, and it was quite noticeable walking around just how tall. For me it was rather nice not to be the tall one and have all the attention that goes with it.

The trip coincided with Amsterdam Pride (I suspect that may have been a consideration in the planning) so the Saturday was largely spent watching the floating parade, the associated evening activities did not appeal to me much so some of us went back to our Hotel and had dinner, and maybe a couple of drinks there.

With Mary Francis

All in all it was a fun trip and I have now added Amsterdam to the list of places I have toured but must go back to for a proper visit!

I though about getting Croydon Pride to pay my expenses as research, instead I settled for wearing my tee shirt with the Croydon Pride logo!

Amsterdam was my fourth Pride this summer, in many ways it was the biggest, it was a joy filled popular event, there were lots of straight supporters, lots of the shops, bars and restaurants were joining in, and there were rainbow flags everywhere, however it was very noticeable that there were virtually no other flags.  I could count the number of Trans flags I saw on the fingers of one hand, and there were no others at all!  At Croydon, and London (despite the problems) Pride was a truly inclusive experience for all of the LGBT+ community, Trans, Bi, Pan etc. are all included, affirmed and celebrated, I definitely got the impression that Amsterdam was very much a Gay Pride ~ something I had hoped we had left behind us.

Pride!

It's nearly a month since I posted, not because I don't care, I have often thought about a post, not because I have nothing to say, I have been very busy with work, with Prides, with Gigs, indeed with life. Making excuses to myself I have been telling myself that I have been living life rather than writing about it, but the two are not mutually exclusive!

This morning I have been working from home on some Pride stuff, and a bit of admin, and thought, yep it's time for a post!

Over the weekend I saw my friend Jenny another irregular blogger, we met up at Trans Pride Brighton, a fabulous sunny day, lots of friends, lots of interesting people ~ just a shame I had to leave early to get to the Oxted Beer Festival to see "The Sweet" one of my favorite bands from the 70s  I had a great evening with some good, close friends and also bumped into some other friends I wasn't expecting to see. Then on Sunday I was playing with the Lambeth Wind Orchestra at the Lambeth Country Show. ~ All in all a pretty fabulous weekend!

The previous weekend had been Croydon Pride, again a fabulous day, I felt totally vindicated for all the work we put in,, I was found wandering about the field talking to people at around 8:00 O'clock saying "I've found my people"

The turnout for the event and the Parade exceeded our expectations with about 1,000 turning up for the parade alone. As a mark of support for the Trans community after we have experienced so much hate this year my other trustees suggested that TransPALS marched at the front of the parade. It was great to be surrounded by Trans flags, and I was so glad tha this suggestion came from the others and not me.

I'll hate myself later

It's one O'clock on Thursday afternoon, this should be working day, I have stuff to do, work, washing up, housework, laundry, finding my car key! yet I am sitting at my desk surfing the interweb "wasting time".  Indeed getting dressed would be a good start!

Last night I played in a concert with my wonderful Croydon Symphonic Band, I even had a little solo in Stuart Johnson's Circus Suite. During the interval I was introduced to a lady of senior years who was so pleased to find a woman playing the Tuba, she was struck by how unusual it is to see women playing these instruments (we also had a very good, very young woman playing trombone) and breaking gender stereotypes. 

Then there is Sunday's concert with the London Gay Symphony Orchestra, I am genuinely excited about this program, even after around 45 years plying orchestral music every now and then a program will hit me as truly inspiring, this is one of those! Tickets are still available, buy in advance a save a few pennies!

All this after playing in a service, a concert and a rehearsal on Sunday, an evening rehearsal on Monday, and an evening meeting to speak at on Tuesday evening. I have already written about Saturday's inspiring conference but, all this while trying to work as well.

I found that after this succession of meetings, rehearsals, and performances I just needed to crash out and take some time out.   I have been making mistakes, yesterday I lost my one and only car key, I need to find that or spend a lot of money and time sourcing a replacement! Tuesday I got a parking ticket, simply by not following my usual process, I need a break, but don't have a holiday booked till the end of September.

I should be concentrating my efforts more on making Croydon Pridefest even more brilliant than it -was last year, At the same time I am already starting to work out how we can make next year even more inclusive, especially of some of the more marginalised groups within the LGBT+ community.

I will hate myself later for getting behind with work, but just now I need the time and the space!

Proud

For many of us we are now entering the period known as "Pride Month" we have events going on at least every weekend for the next few weeks, between Croydon Pride; Pride London and Trans Pride Brighton I have those three events themselves I also have an LGSO concert next Sunday (which will be absolutely wonderful) a Croydon Pride Mix and Mingle event on Tuesday along with various planning meetings, rehearsals, parties and medical appointments.

The weather looks like it is set to stay warm and sunny but I'm not sure how I'm going to fit in the time to go to work, I really should be at work as I write this, but after a busy weekend I'm having a late start today.

But I digress, what I am feeling proud about is Croydon! I know a lot of people never think about Croydon at all, and then others will simply think of it as Chav Central, but for me Croydon is a vibrant multicultural society, it is largely inclusive, mostly friendly and something is always happening.   On Saturday I attended an all day conference on Gender Identities in Children and Young People it was aimed at professionals working in the field, and was largely a signposting event, but also included good information on what is available for young people, an all too short session on ethics, some performances by Gender Non Conforming local young performers and some short case studies. A lot was packed into a single day, but it was so good.

One thing that struck me was the apparent need for events like this, we had counsellors from as far afield as Scotland because they have nothing like it closer.   Last year Croydon led the UK by flying the Trans flag on TDOV, this year the town has lead again with this conference. A I said at the end of the event, I was born and brought up in Croydon nearly sixty years ago, I am now the Chair of Croydon Pride, and I have never been more proud of Croydon than I was on Saturday!

Accidental Activist

When I was about 18 I had it all planed, I had started my career, I was engaged to be married, everything was set! I fully expected to be a middle manager of a major corporation, married to a nice girl with a couple of nice children. I expected them to go to a nice school, and of course we would live in a nice house.   Since none of that has transpired I have to wonder what went wrong, I do have a child and she is totally wonderful, but the word "nice" is not one that immediately comes to mind to describe her.   I did get married but not for another couple of decades; but the point is that I now a self employed gardener and musician, I live on my own in a tiny flat and struggle to make the money reach the end of the month.   I could ask what went wrong? But maybe I should ask what went right?

So much of my life has just happened, I know I have made some unwise decisions but mostly I have just gone with what felt right at the time so much of what has happened has happened more or less by accident. ~ it now seems I have now become an accident activist.

When I first started exploring my gender identity a few years back I thought it had nothing to do with anyone except me and my wife, I thought I would just work it out and spend a few evenings playing "Dress up". That was never going to happen!   Well I came out by accident, I became public by accident, I became ostracised (by some) by accident.   I never planed to be oppressed, I never planned to complain, I was just brought  up not accept injustice ~ I saw some I complained and suddenly found I was campaigning.

Well, over the last year there has been a lot flak coming at the Trans community from various sources, they are pretty vocal and have even managed to get themselves onto the BBC, I have felt obliged to "up my game". I think the best I can to do is to be present, to be visible and show people that we (trans people) are not sexual predators, that we are a risk to nobody indeed that we are the ones who are at risk. Strangely much of what I have always done has become activist ~ As a musician I will be affirming my womanhood again this month playing in the band for "Processions" Central London, and in a few weeks I will again be leading the Croydon Pride Fest Parade.

For trans people Pride has become more important again this year ~ The Government proposed changes to the Gender recognition Act has been delayed, opponents have seen this as weakness and have increased their campaigning, as a consequence I find that our identities are being questioned more and more. I will be marching in London, and leading in Croydon because my identity is not open for other people to debate, because we still have to go through a quasi judicial process to be able to assert our identity, because we do not have equal access to work, to healthcare, to services, and accommodation.

I know that we are not the only oppressed group, I know that there is much else to campaign about, I never planed to do this it has just happened by accident, but by joining an oppressed minority I am now so much more aware of all the other oppressed minorities ~ as I may have observed before ~ nothing makes you understand privilege like giving it up!

Spring Harvest time

I feel as though I keep writing about spring springing, and all that that entails. Of course for me the main thing is work really starts to get going again, even though I personally seem to be having a great deal of difficulty getting going.  

Looking at the weather forecast for the next week makes me realise that I may after all be able to wear my shorts and singlets again, as long as I lose enough weight to get into them OK. That of course brings on one of the problems most women are familiar with at this time of year; ~ Yes it's THAT time again.


Of course for some of us it is worse than for others, when I first started my transition shaving was a major commitment, not just my face but my legs, arms and body all needed pretty much daily attention.   These days after just over two years of HRT and even longer trying electrolysis it's not quite so bad.

With electrolysis most of my face is now pretty much clear my neck still has to be finished.   As for the rest the hormones seem to be doing their work and the general growth has slowed down.

I am very pleased to observe that these days my razors are lasting a lot longer. I have bought myself an epilator to see if that works for me, it is way too early to have reached any conclusions on that score, but I do know it hurts ~ the things we go through for our art!

On a totally different note, the more observant of you may have noticed that I have made a couple of changes to my links bar on the left of the screen, I have included a link to Trans Unite an on line facility to find a National or local Trans support or campaigning group.   I do hope that all my Trans readers are getting some support, if you're not please do, as this is far too tough to go through alone.

I have also promoted Croydon Pride up the list we're doing some great work, so pop over take a look at our site and sign up for the News Letter.

There's Something in the Air

The other day I wrote here about how I felt that Spring had Sprung! Since then the weather has not been great, a bit wet, a bit dull, a bit cold, all in all a bit sh£t! But the coming of spring isn't just about the weather and starting to cut grass.

There is also the impending Pride campaigns!

At the weekend I was part of shooting some publicity for Pride in London it was great fun, if a little surreal, we had a chance to be interviewed and give our opinions as to why we felt Pride is important to us, and had a few photos taken, of course there is an embargo on all the details, but the picture I'm sharing here was tweeted by Pride in London so I am assuming that this one at least is now in the public domain.

Indeed for me being in the public domain is very much what Pride is about, certainly that's why it's important to me. It's important to me as a Trans woman that all the time there are people who feel that our identity is a suitable subject for debate; all the time we don't get equal access to health care; all the time that we don't get equal access to employment, and housing then it is important that we have a public, joyful celebration of who and what we are, coupled with a protest that we are still not being treated equally.

The Chair of Croydon Pride at the

LGBT+ History month launch

That's why I am involved in Croydon Pride, we had our first Trustees meeting of the year last night, we reaffirmed that although Pride Fest on the 14th July will still be our biggest event of the year, we will be working for LGBT+ people in Croydon and the surrounding area all year round. We will be holding additional events, we will be facilitating other groups, we will be visible ~ so just like a dog's not just for Christmas, we're not just for one party in the summer.

We are very keen that we are fully inclusive, that we represent the full diversity of the LGBT+ community here in Croydon, as trustees we represent as much of the LGBT+ alphabet spaghetti as it's possible for four people to do, but we are conscious that we could do better. We are only just starting our third year, so far all our events have been successes, but we are not going to sit back, self satisfied and think we have it cracked. We need help, we need to communicate with the community, it's how to do that which is challenging.

So, can I ask you all please to go visit our website, sign up for our news letter, and tell us what you think, and what you want from us.

Advent Calendar I

With "new" Hair Cut

I wasn't going to do this, but when it started to snow yesterday I felt that maybe I needed to do something to inspire a bit of seasonal cheer, mostly in myself!  I tend towards the "Humbug" school of thought on modern Christmas celebrations, Dickens has a lot to answer for!   Indeed I have friend on the other wing, the tinsel everywhere and every opportunity to celebrate; well maybe more than one friend like that actually and they are champing at the bit to get started.

I don't know how I am going to manage this, or indeed what sort of treats I will have for you behind the window each day ~ but I am pretty sure that Betty will feature pretty heavily again this year.

Tonight is Croydon Pride's event for World Aids Day, as Chair I will be in attendance, indeed this morning I went up to Covent Garden to get my hair "done" specially for tonight, while there I popped into St Paul's Covent Garden and saw that this afternoon they are holding a requiem specially for the day, I find this sort of thing quite inspiring.

Big Numbers

I'm pretty used to seeing big numbers, every time I get in my car or van I see pretty big numbers on the odometer, the car has done over 110,000 miles and the van over 220,000.   But the numbers I have in mind are smaller than those, the other day we had a post Pride meeting to assess how we did, and where we go from here.

The official estimates are that we had over 600 people on the parade and at least 3,000 for the event in the Park.   I suspect that both of these estimates are on the low side, unfortunately some figures that are not on the low side are the costs of running events like these.   We are determined to keep Croydon Pride Fest a free event, celebrating the progress of the LGBT+ community while maintaining an element of protest to keep fighting for equality, for all the community.  

We are thankful for the support from the Council and our sponsors, but for next year we will need to get in an awful lot more money. To maintain the quality of the event while growing the numbers of people who can attend we have had to set a budget very nearly twice the one we had this year.   We will need to get more sponsorship, we will need more commercial stalls at the event, and we will have to get individual donors.   We will have to have fund raising events, in short we will need a team of fundraisers and volunteers, the work for next year has already started!

I can't help but notice one other rather big number, this blog has now passed the 500,000 mark of page views, so if you have been, thank you for reading.

Identities ~ Take Pride

This post should have a health warning, it deals largely with transgender matters, so if you are only interested in my Gardening, or musical sides then have a laugh at the cartoon and move on.

I have recently been asked, "After your transition do you consider yourself to be a Trans Woman or just a Woman" This is a tricky one, not least because I am not sure that Transition has an end, so maybe there is no such time as "after".   Certainly transition is like coming out in as much as it is a process, not an action.   Most of the time I do not define myself by my gender, or even my gender identity at all, indeed I suspect that most of the time I do not think of my identity, at all, I am simply me.   I am more likely to identify myself as a musician, a tuba player, a gardener, or a Christian than I am as a woman or a trans woman.   This has changed, when I started my transition, and for quite a while before, my gender identity was constantly on my mind, at that point I had decisions to make, "who am I?" "what am I going to do about it" "how far am I going it go" now I am more settled in who and what I am it is only the last of these questions that I still have to find an answer for, and I will only find that answer when I absolutely need to.

Todays Skinhorse cartoon, part of my daily dose

The truth is that none of us has a single, or a consistent identity, OK mine may be a bit more complicated than many, but everybody has multiple identities, spouse, parent, child will probably cover a lot of us, and that is before we start thinking about gender, race, class, tribe, profession and all that other stuff that society imposes upon us.   Since I started this journey I have found that the whole trans thing is easier for some than others, I happen to be white, middle aged and speak with an acceptable accent, so I still fall within several areas of privilege.

It is only now that I have begun to really begun to understand privilege. As a white heterosexual middle class male I was not aware of the privilege I enjoyed, I had it all my life and it only increased with age, now I have given up a large part of that privilege I begin to understand how other parts of society feel.   I have become aware of the whole issue of intersectionality, how much more difficult it is for those who fall within two or more of the groups that are denied societal privilege, to be black and trans, to be a black gay Muslim woman in Africa may be the ultimate.   I am very aware that most of the meetings I go to, even though they may be about campaigning for equality are dominated by the white middle classes, look at the people attending Pride ~ pretty much any Pride ~ and they will be predominantly white.

I have heard a lot this year about the exclusion from Pride events of non-binary people, yet I suspect that there are also much larger groups who are not complaining but are still excluded.   Somehow I want to take my very privileged position as chair of Croydon Pride to make sure that we at least do not exclude anyone, I'm not sure how, and am happy to take advise.  I got involved in all this to start with to promote inclusion, I certainly don't want to stop just because I am now included.

Brighton

I've just had another incredible weekend, it was fun, but to be honest I'm glad that it's all over.

Saturday was Trans Pride in Brighton, this year I only went down for the day, but this time I took my daughter, we were playing with a friend on stage so I drove down just to make it easier with our instruments.   While all this was happening my van was in for it's MOT, and I had to make sure I was in a fit state to play with the Linden Wind Orchestra on the Sunday.

So it was a very busy weekend, and in so many ways a very special one, Saturday was a great time to catch up with lots of old friends, sorry about the ones I missed, have some good conversations with people on the TransPALS stall, and a first for me, performing on a Pride stage.   My daughter had only gone to her first Pride earlier this month and she was already booked to perform, it was only in accompaniment of her and her friend that I got on stage at all.   I will admit to being a little disappointed by the stage set up, the sounds was not at all what I aim for, and the lack of fold back made it very difficult, but to be honest more rehearsal would have made a big difference as well.

The concert on Sunday was fun, even if I wasn't on top form and i rounded off the evening with dinner with a couple of very good friends. A few years back I was privileged to be part of their wedding, and the better I have got to know them, and them me, the more proud I am to be known as their friend.

I am sure that this will not be the last word on what has become Pride Month, not least as I hope to have some photos to share soon, but for now I am more than happy to sit back a bit and relax.

Croydon!

Saturday at Croydon Pride Fest was brilliant. The day started early for me with a visit to our Saffron Garden, a brilliant project focusing on Croydon's origins as centre of saffron production growing lots of crocuses, since it's the wrong time of year for crocuses we had 7 beds planted up in the colours of the rainbow flag, it looked brilliant and I was so happy that it truly was a community project with plants being donated in the colours.

Then it was meet and greet all the stall holders before a quick change and a walk through Croydon town center to lead the Parade.   Being at the front is rather strange, as we are the first thing people see, and in many cases the first time they realise that the event is even  happening. All in all I would say we had a very positive reception, and were shown a lot of love. It was hard to get an idea of how many people joined the march, but looking back I couldn't see the end! I estimate between 600 and 1,000.

The parade finished in Queens Gardens, right in the town center, opposite the Town Hall, as a committee we had taken the decision to
make the stage as professional as possible with a proper stage, back stage and PA, I think this paid off, making the whole event so much better.   I opened proceedings with a short(ish) speech welcoming everybody and pointing out that equality still hasn't been achieved, and although we were there to have fun and celebrate there are still battles to be fought, here and abroad.

After that I could relax a little and have some fun mingling with the crowd, talking to people, having my photo taken and presenting the prize of a pint of cider to one of our completion winners.

It was brilliant to see lots of rainbow flags and garlands, but maybe even better to see lots of Trans Flags, Bisexual banners and tee shirts, some non binary and the odd pansexual, I think we truly managed to be an inclusive event, and I want to make sure we carry on that way.

The only down side was that I could spend less time with friends and family who came to the event, but at least I did manage a quick photo with my friends Callum and Connor

As Chair I had a busy day with lots of duties (all of them pleasurable) meeting lots of people and having lots of conversation, so much so that it took a good few days before my voice had properly recovered.   All in all it was a great day, I'm already looking forward to next year's Pride Fest as I am sure that we can once again improve on this year, while still keeping it very centered on inclusivity and the Croydon community.

All photos by my friend Patricia Curtis, the official Croydon Pride photographer

Pride

This would have gone up a couple of days ago, but because of the problems I mentioned below I couldn't access it. I'm not convinced that the problems are solved, but at least I managed to find this one!

I fear that I have rather glossed over an awful lot of time, and events.  

Last weekend had so much that I could barely manage to get through it, never mind write anything about it.   I gather that Pride is the third largest outdoors event in London after the fireworks and the New Year's Day Parade.   I can't speak for size, but I do know that there were A LOT of people there.   I had lots of hugs, high fives and selfies, there were even a few kisses, all in all it was a total blast!

The only trouble with being in the parade is that you don't get to see the rest of the parade, and a lot of them are a lot more entertaining to look at than we were ~ we were fabulous, but maybe not too entertaining.   I left the entertaining till Sunday when I played at the Dorking Halls with the Croydon Symphonic Band, I will admit that I was a bit more tired than I would have liked, and I even managed to leave my music at home, fortunately there were enough spare parts there so I could make up another pad - even though it did mean that I had to use a Bb treble clef tuba part while playing on an EEb tuba which did rather tax my poor raddled brain.

Somehow I did manage to get through the week, with a couple of meetings for Croydon Pride Fest, a few rehearsals and lots of work, and then it all happens again.

It's not over yet

Saturday at London Pride was simply fantastic, or should that be fabulous?   After enjoying the parade we headed for our regular refuge at the end of this event, "The Tattersall Castle", Beer is outrageously expensive but with sharp elbows we can usually get a seat and it's not too crowded. several beers later I headed for home, happy, relaxed, and tired, I didn't feel it was too late when I got home so I popped some dinner in the oven, switched on the TV and sat down while it cooked.   Several hours later I woke up on the sofa to find charcoal in the oven!

The following Sunday I played with my wonderful Croydon Symphonic Band, in Dorking, then this weekend we have had both Croydon Pridefest and a another concert, this time in my local park.

Pridefest was amazing! So many people, so much love, so much talking, so much booze.   As chair, on the day I had to lead the parade and then make a short(ish) speech from the stage.   It was also a great pleasure to talk  to all the stall holders, and all the groups who were marching.

And it's not over yet, next Saturday is Trans Pride in Brighton, and then on the Sunday I am playing with the Linden Wind Orchestra in Sunbury.

With all this rather frantic activity I trust you will forgive my absence from the Blog, I do regret it. But, I regret more that this all means that it feels like a very long time since I've been able to attend Church on a Sunday.   I know that it is possible to be a Christian and not attend Church, but it's very hard, and I do miss it.   I miss the people, I miss the service, and I miss the discipline.   I am looking forward to having a free weekend (if I don't have to drive to Cornwall) soon and I am very much looking forward to being able to attend a regular service again.