A very Betty Christmas

Betty was not as omnipresent in the year's Advent Calendar as in some previous years, partly because I was a little worried about repeating myself too much, but also because most of my Betty pictures are stored on my laptop, and it ended up that a lot, I mean A LOT, of my posts ended up being created on my phone or my table (I know, first world problems!).

I definitely have a bit of "a thing" for Betty Boop, I suspect it is that in my view she is a bit like cream cake (for those of us of a certain age in the UK) in as much as she a she is  "Naughty but nice". for all the "Do boop a do" there is something about her that retains a level of innocence amongst the sexiness. 

There is certainly an idea that she never goes too far, sure there are the short skirts and all that, but there is an obvious limit; and limits are important, I remember back in my cross dressing day talking to my then teenage daughter about just how high a hem line was acceptable, and I came up with the fingertip length limit. i.e. if the hemline was higher than her fingertips holding her arms straight down then it was too short, I think we all agreed that this was reasonable, then my wife looked at me and asked if I would stick to the same limit ~ I rather had to agree, and have stuck to that ever since. I suspect that Betty sometimes might be just above that.

Let's be honest this post isn't really about anything I have to say, the words are not important it is just an opportunity for some gratuitous pictures of Betty!

So if you felt short changed before I hope I have now made up for it!

It's Never Too Late

I'm not actually picking up on the theme from my last post by suggesting that 64 isn't too old to start competitive motor sport, or for buying new instruments ~ because we all know that it isn't! I'm just going with the revelation that it's already the end of February and I'm not sure where those two months have gone. I didn't make any new year's resolutions this year, but that's not an oversight but a conscious decision, I'm simply going to carry on where I left off in 2022, I want to play music, do a bit of gardening, drive fast and go to more concerts I'm not playing in!

Christ's Hospital Band on the march

So far I'm doing pretty well on all of these (apart from driving fast!) on Sunday I went to a concert by the Christ's Hospital wind band ~ for a school's band they are exceptional especially bearing in mind that they are all (almost two full bands) drawn from one school! I first came across them about 50 years ago at the first National Schools Festival of Music. My band of "scruffy Herberts" from Croydon couldn't believe our eyes when they turned up. As I remember it we thought they sounded pretty good, even if to us they did look a bit weird! We did go on to win that Festival, and several others in subsequent years, but that first one was a shock to our collective system, seeing how the "other half" lived, and when it came to it how we could still measure up!

This month I've also managed a few days gardening, yesterday and today I've managed 10 hours, and to be honest I'm knackered!

I've also played a few concerts myself, the other weekend I managed three concert in three days on three different instruments. I think that might be a record even for me!

This photo isn't from one of the "epic three" but from the first of the Croydon Symphonic Band's fiftieth anniversary concerts, this one at the Fairfield Hall.

My Office Today

A carpet of crocuses

 "I thought you had retired!" well yes, sort of, but gardeners, musicians, artists, artists and others with a passion for what they do never really retire we just slow down. We reduce the pressure as we need to strive less for acceptance, status, or indeed finances. So yes I have been saying I'm retired, but I will still be doing enough gardening to "keep my hand in" to satisfy that side of my creativity, and of course help pay the bills as well.

Yesterday was my first day working outdoors for a couple of weeks (last week held all sorts of other interesting challenges) so it was good to get out in the fresh air and do some stuff! It was a lovely day, the sun shone and for February the weather was quite warm ~ what's not to love!

This is the type of snow drop I'm always happy with

Really! In February!

Being Authentic

 So, after yesterday's rant we shall resume normal service.

I like Blogs, not just my own but those of my friends as well. Some are real friends, friends I meet up with and share a coffee or a pint with, some I've only met once or twice, and some (like Stana and JJ) friends I've never met, but would like to. One of my friends who falls into the first category has just started a fascinating blog, I strongly recommend a visit to "I am Kim" there is some serious stuff there, well written and poignant.  

Another Blog I follow, Cyrsti's Condo sparked a train of thought this morning, a train of thought that has ended up with this post. Like me Cyrsti is a fan of a rather masculine contact sport, in her case American Football, in my case Rugby Union. I have recently renewed contact with my old club here in Croydon, I am enjoying the rugby I've seen  even though it's very different from my playing days. 

He's still part of me somewhere

I played for my club over about 25 years ~ sure I had a few years out for injury (that's another story) but it's still a long time. I played for every team including the under 16s and the veterans at one time or another and captained all of them except the first team. It is undeniably my club, and rugby is undeniably one of my passions. So why, I ask myself did it take me so long just to go there and watch a game? 

Certainly part of it was fear, not of physical abuse, but of what sort of reaction I might get from my old team mates, or indeed the current active club members. Part of it was also down to being so busy all the time. Rugby tends to be played on Saturdays, so do concerts and since I stopped playing rugby I have been a lot more active in playing music. Some of it may also be competition with higher level matches being shown on TV, as I wrote here the Six Nations in coming up ~ that means a LOT of rugby to watch.

Just as authentic

While all of this is true, I wonder if what I was really frightened of was betraying my hidden masculinity. I spent the first 50 years of my life hiding my femininity, being very "Macho" and positively butch. Playing prop forward was possibly the ultimate expression of my masculinity. To go back and watch the very club I played for must force me to remember, to display my still present masculinity. In trying to blend so much as a woman, was I hiding who I used to be.

As transgender people we talk a lot about being our authentic selves, well, I now have to come to terms with there still being a rugby fan in that authentic self, and that everything I am now, is the sum of all of my experiences. I can't just throw away and deny those first fifty years, they are part of who I am now. So instead I am now choosing to celebrate them, rejoice that I had chances that most women my age never had, and rejoice that some of those chances are now open to young women when they weren't then.

To be my authentic self I have to embrace my old self as well as the new, it's all part of who I am today!

Putting that old photo up (the first time I've shared a photo of him)is part of my rehabilitation process, I no longer choose to hide who I was, just as I had to choose to show who I have become.

Ladies First

Yesterday was the International Women's Day, it feels odd that over 50% of the World's population need to have a special day to celebrate women, and to highlight the injustices, the prejudice and the inequalities that we have to deal with on an almost daily basis. But we do because we do, we need it because our world is still very far from equal. OK here in the UK it's better than in some other places, but ;~

• The Women's Six Nations Rugby Tournament still lacks a headline sponsor
• We only sent one woman to Brussels as part of our Brexit negotiating team and of the 44 members of the Leave Means Leave Board, only one is a woman, but seven are men named John!
• After the 2017 General Election we now have 208 women MPs, 32% and that's meant to be something to celebrate?
• Women still earn less than men, this means that earn the same amount they have to work for longer, to mark the day when women will hit the equal amount we have "Equal Pay Day" this year that will be on April the 2nd
• There are only 6 women CEOs of FTSE 100 Companies, and they only earn 54% of their male counterparts. There are more men called John heading up these Companies than Women!

I think the only two areas where Women dominate in the UK at the moment are in Monarchs and Prime Ministers! ~ I think most of us will agree that one of them is doing a pretty decent job!

I celebrated by joining colleagues from Diversity Role Models in running some workshops with a School in South East London. This is a largely Girls Performing Arts School so I think all of the pupils we saw were girls, I was impressed by their knowledge, engagement, and potential, quite a few were from faith backgrounds and I was very happy to be able to respond to them from a similar point of few.

Sometimes with all the abuse being thrown at Trans Women at the moment, it's easy to forget what we keep telling people, "Trans Women are Women", we are just as effected by misogyny and inequality as all other women, and have an equal responsibility to combat it and to help educate youngsters towards inclusion and equality.   I am happy to do my bit, through DRM and through participation in "Ladies First" a local exhibition in Croydon Town Center highlighting the diversity of women working and living in Croydon. This Photo is on display opposite the Town Hall, just in case they forget who I am!

What a Weekend

WOW! That was some weekend. Saturday was London Pride and I was there, along with other members of TransPALS and my Daughter. We had a great day out, and thoroughly enjoyed the love from the crowd. It was my Daughter's first Pride event and she was totally blown away by it.

I think you can tell that I was enjoying myself.   I think the whole group was, so much love, so much appreciation.

Now I can't wait for next Saturday and the equally wonderful if somewhat smaller Croydon Pride Fest

All photos by my good friend the amazing Patricia Curtis.

Advent Calendar XVIII

Oh Dear, Oh Dear, Oh Dear, I've done it again, I managed to miss posting on time.   My excuse ~ life!

EL Greco 1603

Yesterday was the forth Sunday in Advent, so it was the day when we really did have Four Candles.   We had a communion as part of our main Sunday morning service (we don't every week!) and our special Carol Service in the evening.   During communion I was put in mind of a post my friend (I was so tempted to type "Pal") Joey put up the other day about communion at his Church.    Well we are good Anglicans and so do it a little differently, we are given little broken pieces of white bread which we eat and then we drink the wine from a chalice, some will save the bread and dip it into the wine, but most of us parade past the ministers taking the bread and then the wine.

Christ on the Cross,  Eugene Delacroix,1853

Catholic Churches will adopt a similar process but use wafers rather than leavened bread as the host (I assume that this has something to do with transubstantiation). Baptist Churches will pass out the bread and then the wine in small glasses so the congregation can all drink the wine at the same time. However, it struck me that although we may have slight differences we are all very much united by this practice of sharing bread and wine.   It is the one bit of our services that unite us all.     This is what I think of when I say I believe in the Communion of Saints.  

All over the World at 12 O'clock on Saturday night Christians will be meeting together and sharing bread and wine, as we remember not only the birth of Christ but also His death and resurrection. Not only that He came to Earth fully Human, but also that He is fully God and that He has made our sins forgiven and won us eternal life.

Yes Christmas is great, but without Easter it is meaningless.. 

Busy doing stuff

One of the downsides of actually having a life is that I have very little time to write about it!

I have been doing so much, been places, done things, been part of things, seen things.   Met interesting people, uninteresting people, and many in between.   I have drunk far too much beer and wine and eaten stupid things at stupid times.

I have looked, I have swum, I have marched (or walked or indeed even paraded), I have played, and I have worked.

I seem to have sold our house, but am yet to find somewhere else to live

I am worn out, tired, but entertained and feeling rather fulfilled.

All in all it's been a busy few days, which means that I also regret the things not done, like visiting friend's blogs, and seeing family.

Exhibitionist!

A couple of times I have written about my friend Vanessa and her photography.   A couple of times she has visited me and taken some shots for her photography degree course, she is a lovely, sympathetic person and I think that her photos reflect this as much as they reveal the subject.

Now you have two opportunities to see some more of her work, the Embassy Tea Gallery are putting on an exhibition of some of her work (along with the other graduates), she has also put together a Tumbler Blog on her finals project called "Altered Images" please take a couple of minutes out to go over there, and have a proper look.

In these days of a digital camera built into every phone, giving everybody the ability to take photos whenever and wherever they like we are simply bombarded with images.   Often these images are simply an entertaining or pretty moment captured, a kitten looking cute or a flower looking pretty.   With access to such high quality digital cameras we all consider ourselves to be photographers, but a true artist using photography as their medium is a different matter altogether.

The artist will be expressing something about the human condition through their images, whether the subject is a landscape or a portrait it should be telling us more than what the subject looks like.   I think Vanessa manages this, her photos require a bit of effort in the viewing, but then we wouldn't expect to understand all of a painting or sculpture at a glance so maybe we should give photographers the same respect we give to other artists.

A Visitor

On Saturday I had a visitor, apart from a group I host once a fortnight I don't actually get many visitors, and when I do they tend to just be to drop off an Avon order or something.   Saturday's visitor was the lovely Vanessa of Vanessa Lees Photography.   We have met a few times at events but have found it difficult to have any in depth conversation, so it was really nice to spend some time with her.   She is genuinely interested in our community and in our individual stories, and is putting together an exhibition featuring a few of us.

We spent a lot of time chatting and and then she took a few photos of me.   Stana has been running an occasional series of posts on favorite photos, where various girls send her a copy of their favorite photo and tell the story behind it.   Way back in November I was featured with what was then my favorite photo.  I think I now have a new favorite.  

I particularly like the one showing my hands on the valves of my beloved tuba.   The fact that my nail polish is a bit battered seems to me to show very much a real me rather than the more glamorous shots that we generally prefer.   Somehow this captures so much of my essence, my love of music, my instrument and at the same time my femininity.

Thank you Vanessa!

Inspired?

Inspired by Cyrsti's comment yesterday "May the Force be with you"

Tubacca

Concert Dress IV

Last night  played with the lovely Pelly Concert Orchestra, It was an interesting a fun concert, but I will say that I had a lot less to play than I expected.   Out of eight or nine Items I was actually only needed for five, and on the whole they were the shorter pieces.   Still I did better than the harp who only played in three, I suppose this is the lot of those of us who play the more esoteric instruments.

Since I have been writing a bit about the considerations around what to wear when playing I thought I would show you the outcome of those considerations for last night, I managed to prevail upon one of my colleagues too take a quick snap of me with my "new toy" on my phone.

I lie this dress, the way it hangs, the length the fullness of the skirt, but last night I could have done with something a little warmer.

Killer Heels

Thursday evening I had an audition with the wonderful (or should that be Fabulous) London Gay Symphonic Winds, of course I was more than a little stressed out by the whole experience, not least as the last time I auditioned for anything it was to play tuba in the Youth Orchestra! needless to say that was a few years ago now.   Added to the mix of problems was what to wear, I wanted to present myself well but appropriately for the situation, this meant casual, but not too casual.

I also wanted to reaffirm my femininity through my clothes.   This is not a problem that genetic females have but for some of us it is a problem,   I choose to wear a purple tee shirt top, with leather jacket, jeans and this pair of ankle boots.   Yes they are high, but not that high.   Yet after a couple of hours the balls of my feet were beginning to get quite painful, I don't often have a problem unless the heels are very high, but the soreness from these carried right through Friday and into today.

This afternoon I have been wearing these pumps, the heel is about the same height, and I have had no problem at all.

Tomorrow I will be playing at the LGSO Concert in the evening, I shall be wearing one of my favourite Little Black Dresses, this is not only an opportunity to be a little bit glamorous, it is almost obligatory, especially since I have already set my own bar rather high. During the day, including the afternoon rehearsal I shall definitely be dressing for comfort, but come the concert and it will be time to show off, so, the question is which shoes to wear?

Definitely an occasion for what we might more normally term killer heels, and I find I have all too many of these, ranging from the open toed sling-backs to the suede platform court.   I may even break out and not wear black shoes but either my outrageous but wonderful silvery sandals or my 4 inch heel bronze pumps.

I had thought of calling this post Knew Phone as I have just replaced my old Samsung with a shiny new Nokia, in the past I had always had Nokias and I pretty much understand how they operate, and I thought that it would be easier for me to have another.   Well some is easier and some not, but so far I quite like, and the camera is a whole lot better, all these shots were taken with it and the quality is fine for what I want, the only thing is Blogger seems to want to rotate the shots, I have to load them onto my computer, revolve them, then revolve them back before they appear how I want ~ most odd!

Photo finish

Sorry, I've not been around on the old interweb for a couple of days, what can I say I do have a life outside of the web as well.   Sometimes it's not such a great life at others it can be wonderful and I have had a little of both very recently.   Thursday morning I woke up to the sound of rain drumming against my bedroom window, just from the sound of it I knew that I would not be working that day, adding that to my already pretty low mood, I ended up not even managing to get out of bed till the afternoon.   I managed to get up and out in the afternoon and started to feel a bit better in time to go to my daughters school for a parents evening.

By total contrast Friday broke bright and I managed to get a great deal done ~ I always feel better if I can get outdoors for at least some of the day ~ if I can get started I will generally be OK but sometimes the problem lies in getting started.   Recognising this I have booked appointments for every morning next week, knowing that someone is waiting for me should get me going.   Friday evening I went up to town to visit the National Portrait Gallery.  



I wanted to see the Taylor Wessing Photo Portrait of The Year exhibition and was not disappointed.    I went with my daughter and we were both really impressed with some of the photos, but not necessarily the same ones, or indeed the prize winners.   In the age of digital photography anyone can take lots and lots of pictures and simply by the number taken there should be some decent ones, exhibitions like this one show that there is still a place for the skilled creative trained professional.

I would love to share some of the pictures with you all, but copyright restrictions quite rightly apply so I can only recommend you go and see the exhibition for yourselves, if you can't follow the link above and you can see most of the on the National Portrait Gallery web site.

Just to make my point I have put up a couple of pictures, a selfy and a professional portrait by Justin David, I'm sure you can tell which is which.

Evolution

Joe asked why I was surprised by this photo, well I suppose the first reason is to find that it was taken so long ago.   Although  I have not looked at it for a while the day is so fresh in my memory that it seems as though it could have been this summer.   It was a bit of a breakthrough day for Paula I went up to town to the V & A to an exhibition and met an on-line friend for tea.   Not that incredible but it was my first time on public transport and the first time that I met and seriously interacted with anybody socially as Paula.

This friend is of a quite philosophical turn of mind, but still with a well developed sense of humour, unfortunately I knew them through the forum that I felt obliged to leave so have lost touch.   But the lessons of that day have stayed with me, that most people don't care who I am or how I am dressed, and even more won't notice (I know that it is difficult to have more than most but I see these two groups overlapping).    Almost everybody at an exhibition, concert or play are more interested in the exhibition, concert or play than they are in the other people there.   In a major urban multicultural environment there are worse things to worry about than a cross dresser.   In short that it is perfectly safe to go out as long as I follow the rules that any sensible woman would follow.

The other surprise is for a photo that seems so recent I was surprised how "my look" has progressed.   I am so much happier now I have decided to abandon wigs.   I know I am lucky to have enough hair and the social and work freedom to let it grow, but I can see a certain self consciousness in photos from then, some of which I am sure comes from a certain insecurity that comes from the wig.   I no longer have the grey one from that photo (or an horrendous brown curly one, that was so bad I will never share any photos of me wearing that!) but I do still have my blond one and  think there is a brown one knocking around at the back of the cupboard somewhere.   There is much about Paula that is false so I like to hang on to the real bits that I can.

My wedding ring, is real, pretty much all my other jewellery is cheap costume stuff, I use padding to help my figure, make up to help my face, at least now I can have my own hair!

A bit of Glamour

Tonight we have a support group meeting, I am looking forward to seeing the girls again, and of course sharing a drink and a natter, I also hope I can persuade a few of them to come to my concert next weekend as well.

But of course I always seem to end up with the problem of what to wear.   Tonight I fancy something a little bit glamorous and a little bit short.   This may well mean overdressing for a Saturday night at a "local" but amongst the other girls I'm sure I won't be the only one.   I resolved this problem on Thursday by wearing my dark blue trouser suit with a paler blue blouse and a paisley tie.   Pretty much what you see here, except that my nails were not dark red, they were more a slightly pink pearl, I was also wearing a couple of sparkly rings and tights (pantie hose) that were quite obvious under the cuffs of the trousers.   Guess what, if anybody noticed they didn't care, but I did notice that afterwards I spent a lot more time with the ladies than the men, coincidence?

Today I have just been knocking around the house and garden catching up on a bit of housework and doing a few chores, I have just been wearing a denim skirt and a polo necked sweater, I did pop on my new leather jacket when I popped next door to buy some bread, maybe it is this casualness that has triggered the desire for a bit of glamour.

I think I may well wear the same outfit I wore last Saturday, I do like those culottes, and the outfit makes me feel pretty good, even, dare I say it, a bit sexy.