Advent Calendar II

 

Today is the second of December 2024, this evening I am going to a white tie banquet, and as yet (11:00 a.m.) I don't know what I am going to wear. The dress code is "Evening Gowns and Badges" (whatever that means). I am fortunate in as much as that since I am a musician at least I do have Evening Gowns, indeed I have rather more than is probably good for me, the question is which one to wear? I have asked some friends for help and they have been pretty much useless as at the moment the vote is equal between three of my "Posh Frocks" with one other also getting a vote.

It is rather fun to have a reason to dress up, get out my jewellery and put on a bit of a show, although just at the moment I'm not taking quite as much joy in it as I might, largely because I know I am over weight, and am feeling a bit porky. I am finally trying to do something about that, I have been going to the gym regularly, and I am aware that I feel a bit better for it, but I didn't start early enough for it to have had any serious impact yet.

I have managed to narrow it down to these four, I do have other "Posh Frocks" but they are either too summery, or show too much back and shoulders, displaying a bit too much of the old tight head prop in me.

I will have to decide soon, if only so I can "do" my nails in the appropriate colour!

While it is very rare for me to go to anything like this, it is not quite so rare for me to have to wear a gown, one of the advantages of being an orchestral musician! Each of these (and my others) were bought for a specific concert, I have just held on to them all in the hope of getting another opportunity to wear them, indeed one of the black velvet dresses will be worn again next weekend for the LGSO Christmas Concert. 

In the course of trying to make this decision, and write this post I have also managed to find out how the timer on my new camera works!

Shoot, CR Campaign

I know this is pretty much yesterday's news, but I just came across it again after 5years!

Over the years I have managed to acquire a bit of a reputation as something of a "Camera Whore" I'm not totally convinced that's really fair, but I certainly did go through a phase 5/6 years ago when I had several professional photo shoots and managed the odd appearance on mainstream TV as well as a few promotional videos. I think it all started with the photo on the left, this was, I think, my first season with the LGSO and was part of a series used to promote the orchestra and to use as cover photos on our programmes. It was certainly quite an occasion for me as it was over 10 years ago and before I was properly "out". I wrote a little about the occasion here and here.

The photo on the right is more recent, I think about seven years ago about the same time as that video, and was part of an outdoors exhibition for International Women's Day celebrating the women of Croydon ~ of course I was very flattered to be part of it. Even now I get a little thrill when my identity is affirmed, especially when it is done casually without thought, when like this I am just included amongst "we women".

These are from somewhere in between, probably about 8 years ago. The wonderful Vanessa Lees Photography took a series of photos of me and other trans people for her exhibition featuring trans people just going about our day to day lives. Again I was flattered to be part of this along with my bass!

A little bit more up to date now just a couple of months ago we hosted a photographer at the Phoenix Concert Band, he took some fabulous shots of the band, and even I managed to sneak into a couple of them. I do like this one, but it does remind me that these days my fashion choices are a bit more restricted, unless I am prepared to buy another whole new wardrobe!

It's Never Too Late

I'm not actually picking up on the theme from my last post by suggesting that 64 isn't too old to start competitive motor sport, or for buying new instruments ~ because we all know that it isn't! I'm just going with the revelation that it's already the end of February and I'm not sure where those two months have gone. I didn't make any new year's resolutions this year, but that's not an oversight but a conscious decision, I'm simply going to carry on where I left off in 2022, I want to play music, do a bit of gardening, drive fast and go to more concerts I'm not playing in!

Christ's Hospital Band on the march

So far I'm doing pretty well on all of these (apart from driving fast!) on Sunday I went to a concert by the Christ's Hospital wind band ~ for a school's band they are exceptional especially bearing in mind that they are all (almost two full bands) drawn from one school! I first came across them about 50 years ago at the first National Schools Festival of Music. My band of "scruffy Herberts" from Croydon couldn't believe our eyes when they turned up. As I remember it we thought they sounded pretty good, even if to us they did look a bit weird! We did go on to win that Festival, and several others in subsequent years, but that first one was a shock to our collective system, seeing how the "other half" lived, and when it came to it how we could still measure up!

This month I've also managed a few days gardening, yesterday and today I've managed 10 hours, and to be honest I'm knackered!

I've also played a few concerts myself, the other weekend I managed three concert in three days on three different instruments. I think that might be a record even for me!

This photo isn't from one of the "epic three" but from the first of the Croydon Symphonic Band's fiftieth anniversary concerts, this one at the Fairfield Hall.

My Office Today

I'm writing this on Wednesday the 22nd February and today my office is dull, dank, and dreary but Tuesday was a very different matter, all these photos are from one garden taken yesterday. Far from February being a dead month in the garden there's lots to be getting on with. So far this month I have pruned roses, pruned fruit trees, cut back herbaceous perennials, tidied up ferns, and of course cleared a lot of tree litter etc.

As you may be able to tell, I am very fond of hellebores, to enjoy the flowers at their best it helps to be able to get low, (these are in a raised terrace), it always helps to cut back the old dying or dead leaves before the flowers come out.

I think this is a good time to be moving hellebores, and planting snowdrops. I think it not only helps with laying the garden out, it also seems to help the plants settle. Also, if you still have any bulbs you didn't get round to planting  in the autumn get them in the ground now before they rot or totally dry out.

Here in the South East it has been quite mild so it won't be long before I start cutting grass!

My Office Today

A carpet of crocuses

 "I thought you had retired!" well yes, sort of, but gardeners, musicians, artists, artists and others with a passion for what they do never really retire we just slow down. We reduce the pressure as we need to strive less for acceptance, status, or indeed finances. So yes I have been saying I'm retired, but I will still be doing enough gardening to "keep my hand in" to satisfy that side of my creativity, and of course help pay the bills as well.

Yesterday was my first day working outdoors for a couple of weeks (last week held all sorts of other interesting challenges) so it was good to get out in the fresh air and do some stuff! It was a lovely day, the sun shone and for February the weather was quite warm ~ what's not to love!

This is the type of snow drop I'm always happy with

Really! In February!

Imposters

I think it is quite common for musicians and other performers to have a degree of imposter syndrome, I have certainly experienced more than my fair share of it over the years. I remember talking to a couple of singers once and saying how often I had the fear that somebody in an audience would stand up point at me and say "I'm paying to listen to proper musicians not them!" only to be told that is an ordinary everyday part of being a musician, that we all get it from time to time. I don't know whether it comes from setting too exacting standards, from not appreciating your own qualities or maybe from just not feeling sufficiently prepared. For me I think it came from the idea that I was always playing a part.

In costume as cabaret compere

This all came back to mind following a recent post over on Crysti's Condo where she talks about acting as her true self, and self confidence as the most important accessory a trans woman can have. Most people who know me would think that self confidence was something that I have never been short of, but believe me much of that was all part of the act, of playing the part. Whether I was playing the part of a manager, a musician, an entertainer, or whatever it always felt that I was playing a role not being actually being it. To this end I would always get into costume. A smart suit when I was being a manager, work boots and "fatigues" if I was a labourer, and of course the dinner jacket for concerts. These costumes would help me "get in character" help me to play the part, to give me that aura of self confidence. Little did people know the shrinking little girl inside.

2012 and still in costume

Having said all that it's hardly surprising that when I started to go out dressed I was still playing a part, true the costume was a bit more elaborate and the role a rather different one. Although playing a woman was in many ways a lot more satisfying than any of the other roles I had been playing, I was still getting into a costume to get into character to play a role. ~ I should say that I was totally oblivious to all this as to me at the time this was just how life worked.

Of course one of the things that visually separates men and women is often our hair, so if I wanted to go out I would have to adopt a wig ~ now I know some girls have to wear wigs for a variety of reasons, this is simply my experience and how I feel ~ at first I bought a rather nasty cheap grey wig, it was sold I think as part of an "old woman" fancy dress but it served my use. when this started to get a little tired I tried one in my original hair colour, dark brown, and it looked awful. I realised that if I was going to do this I should buy a decent wig, and ended up with the blond bob on the left. I realised that as my hair had gone greyer, my skin tones had changed as well, now dark hair made me look washed out, whereas the lighter blond tones match my natural grey.

2014 and out of costume, just me!

Of course as anyone who has had to wear wigs for any length of time knows they are not terribly comfortable, and very difficult to forget. As I gradually began to grow my hair and have it styled in a more feminine manner I could abandon my wigs, and that's when I made an interesting discovery.

Suddenly for the first time I felt as thought I wasn't in costume and wasn't playing a part. I wasn't dressing as a woman, I wasn't pretending to be a woman, I wasn't pretending to be anything, I was simply being me, being a woman. This of course also made me realised that for all those years I had been playing a role, pretending to be a man, now I could really start being me rather than simply playing the role that society expected of me.

Now I am being authentically me rather than role playing I have real self confidence, it's no longer an act, the imposter syndrome has (virtually) gone and as a consequence I am sure I am a better, nicer person, and I'm certainly a better musician. Without that self confidence from being true to myself I don't think I would ever have been have been able to do stand up in public, I used to "get away with" conducting, but now I love it and think I help others too.

Every now and then I do still play a role, and I will get into costume to do it. but these days I think the costumes are more fun! I have always loved clothes but now I just wear them for the joy of it, rather than to get into role. The strange thing is that when I started being honest about my cross dressing I thought it was all about the clothes, yet bizarrely it was through cross dressing that I realised just how much my "ordinary" day to day life had been all about the clothes.

Isn't it lovely

Since moving into a flat with no garden a few years ago I have developed an interest in house plants ~ I always used to kill them, either with neglect or with over attention. I do seem to be doing better recently, but I've always had trouble getting my Christmas cacti to flower. I currently have four (plus some leaf cuttings) but only one is in flower so far. 

The plant is still small but the flowers quite beautiful! 

Where am I?

 A few photos from "my office today"

Nice knockers! 

For context, they are on this door 
Which is about 10 foot high! 

Femulate

 I'm sure that a lot of my visitors will be familiar with Stana's Blog "Femulate", it is probably the leading international blog about cross dressing ~ I started following Stana a good couple of decades ago and still have a link to Femulate on my side bar under "Friends I like to visit" On the stats provided by blogger I often see that many of the people who come to Paula's Place come via Femulate, it's a little reminder of why many of you visit here.

Well enough ambling around a little while back she asked for Christmas Photos of readers, so I thought I would send her one of mine, and here it is featured on Femulate, a blog that has had over a million "hits" 

Does that make me famous?

My Office Today

 It's a while since I've done one of these, maybe that's just down to the weather, and the simple fact that I haven't been doing much work recently.

Yesterday I managed a full day ~ Yipee ~ visiting two of my favourite gardens, these were all taken in one of them.

Camera Whore

 Maybe not the title I am most proud of but one I acquired a few years back when my Orchestra took part in the BBC series the Great British Amateur Orchestra. It seemed as though every time a camera appeared it would be pointing at me! and this did not go unnoticed. More recently in my role as a trustee of Croydon Pride I have often been called upon to be a representative of "my community" and on occasion that has involved some photos. I think I have now been the model in at least four photo sessions.

Photo Credit Justin David 2013

I was recently reminded of the first ~ this was way back in the dim and distant past, before I was out, but after I had started playing with the LGSO I wrote a little about it both here and here; but I did not tell the whole tale, perhaps to protect my dignity and maintain some of the mystery.

We were asked to wear our idea of glamourous, this black evening dress fits the bill perfectly. What this photo doesn't show is one of the great features of the dress, it has a scooped backless design that runs into a very small train. Given that this was before I had even started my social transition, never mind anything else it presented certain, erm "structural" issues. Being backless I could not wear a conventional bra, not actually having any boobs I couldn't wear any other form of support. What I could do was attach my breast forms directly to my chest using a medical glue.

All went well until under the warmth of the lights I started to "glow" (Ladies glow, gentlemen perspire, horses sweat!) no problem nothing showed on my face, my makeup stayed just fine. Unfortunately the same couldn't be said for the so called "medical glue"! My left boob became detached and started to slowly descend down the inside of my dress. Poor Justin, the photographer, couldn't understand why I was so wooden, and at that time I was just too shy to tell him.

Later sessions didn't have the same issues I'm glad to say!

The next session was at home with my friend Vanessa Lees, I was part of a photo project she was running showing trans people just getting on with their real lives, rather than as subjects of glamour, desire or abuse.

Photo Credit Vanessa Lees Photography 2015

The Croydonist 2018

A few years after that I had a session for International Women's Day, we had a little outdoor exhibition of photos of women changing the face of Croydon, and this was my face. I rather like this photo, I definitely like the outfit, but I do remember that the photographer (sorry I can't remember their name to credit them) had terrible trouble with reflections from my glasses, so that's why they're on the end of my nose.

It was a very enjoyable experience and I was already so much more relaxed about the whole session than I had been just a few years earlier.

The latest one was just a few months later for Croydon Bid, the local traders association, an outdoor exhibition of local Croydon "Characters", I was alongside dancers, rock guitarists, actors etc. This time I was draping myself in the Pride flag rather than engaging with one of my instruments. I though this photo was just going to be a little thing up for maybe a month or two, it turned out to be larger than life size, and last time I checked it had been up for over two years.

Croydon Bid 2019

Shows what I know!

Stuart Hogg doing what he does best

"Well that shows what I know" was my first thought after watching Saturday's rugby, I called both games wrong, I thought Wales would be closer to Ireland, and I thought England would be too strong for Scotland. Instead Ireland were imperious, and Scotland were simply smarter than England. England were a little disjointed and failed to capitalise on their domination of territory and possession. But, as senior players return I think they will improve throughout the tournament. I think I will stick with my overall predictions for now, possibly just reversing Wales and Scotland ~ I really want this to be Scotland's year they are just so much fun to watch. 

I know that to many some aspects of my life can be a little, erm, "odd"? I find myself in a number of minorities, as a musician, within the world of music as a orchestral instrumentalist, being self employed, and a gardener and a musician at that. but of course the major one is as a Transgender Woman. That is the minority that is most noticeable, although frankly the vast majority of people either don't notice or don't care. I have recently been revisiting an area of my life that I thought I had left behind, and I am surprised just how much it has impacted me.

I am thinking about my male past, my rugby playing dirty joke telling past, where maybe I tried just a little too hard at times to display my masculinity. I know I want to be a complete person, and I know that means coming to terms with who I was ~ not least because that person is part of what has made me who I am now. I suspect that I've said all this before, but my recent musings have lead to a bit of a crises. Not so much of dysphoria (although it too has raised it's ugly head), but almost an existential crises of who am I? and why am I?

Some of this was following my recent visits to my old rugby club, maybe a bit of it to the posting of an old photo of "Him" ~ that certainly took more out of me than I expected!

A while back I wrote about the need for role models, pioneers, people who by showing what they could be, showed us what we could be. But this doesn't need to be in the past tense, I still need my role models to understand how I will age as a trans woman, how I will cope as the little bit of glamour I retain fades. I can't survive simply on fabulousness! When I was recuperating from my surgery I purge watched, and then read "Tales of the City" and I think in Mrs Madrigal I may have found one, a woman who had no family of her own, but created one for herself around her. A woman of a certain age who although enjoying company was emotionally self sufficient. A woman who was not closed to the idea of romantic connection, but did not require it. A woman who kept a small photo of a mystery man from her past in her rooms. In case you haven't read these books or seen the excellent TV series I won't go into too much detail, but will suggest you do!

Mrs Madrigal is the inspiration behind the couple of photos I keep on display in my flat of "him" ~ not the one I shared the other day, but ones displaying slightly less testosterone! I probably won't share many others of "him" here, but as there was some speculation about just exactly which of those fine looking gentleman, is no longer a gentleman I will put you out of your misery with this one. 

Taken nearly forty years ago by a photographer from the local paper on my first team debut.

Being Authentic

 So, after yesterday's rant we shall resume normal service.

I like Blogs, not just my own but those of my friends as well. Some are real friends, friends I meet up with and share a coffee or a pint with, some I've only met once or twice, and some (like Stana and JJ) friends I've never met, but would like to. One of my friends who falls into the first category has just started a fascinating blog, I strongly recommend a visit to "I am Kim" there is some serious stuff there, well written and poignant.  

Another Blog I follow, Cyrsti's Condo sparked a train of thought this morning, a train of thought that has ended up with this post. Like me Cyrsti is a fan of a rather masculine contact sport, in her case American Football, in my case Rugby Union. I have recently renewed contact with my old club here in Croydon, I am enjoying the rugby I've seen  even though it's very different from my playing days. 

He's still part of me somewhere

I played for my club over about 25 years ~ sure I had a few years out for injury (that's another story) but it's still a long time. I played for every team including the under 16s and the veterans at one time or another and captained all of them except the first team. It is undeniably my club, and rugby is undeniably one of my passions. So why, I ask myself did it take me so long just to go there and watch a game? 

Certainly part of it was fear, not of physical abuse, but of what sort of reaction I might get from my old team mates, or indeed the current active club members. Part of it was also down to being so busy all the time. Rugby tends to be played on Saturdays, so do concerts and since I stopped playing rugby I have been a lot more active in playing music. Some of it may also be competition with higher level matches being shown on TV, as I wrote here the Six Nations in coming up ~ that means a LOT of rugby to watch.

Just as authentic

While all of this is true, I wonder if what I was really frightened of was betraying my hidden masculinity. I spent the first 50 years of my life hiding my femininity, being very "Macho" and positively butch. Playing prop forward was possibly the ultimate expression of my masculinity. To go back and watch the very club I played for must force me to remember, to display my still present masculinity. In trying to blend so much as a woman, was I hiding who I used to be.

As transgender people we talk a lot about being our authentic selves, well, I now have to come to terms with there still being a rugby fan in that authentic self, and that everything I am now, is the sum of all of my experiences. I can't just throw away and deny those first fifty years, they are part of who I am now. So instead I am now choosing to celebrate them, rejoice that I had chances that most women my age never had, and rejoice that some of those chances are now open to young women when they weren't then.

To be my authentic self I have to embrace my old self as well as the new, it's all part of who I am today!

Putting that old photo up (the first time I've shared a photo of him)is part of my rehabilitation process, I no longer choose to hide who I was, just as I had to choose to show who I have become.

Ten Year Challenge

 Round these parts, on Social Media there appears to be a bit of thing going on normally headed up as "Ten Year Challenge" the idea seems to be to post a photo of yourself from ten years ago and then a current one.   A few of my friends have been doing this for a couple of years now, I have managed to avoid it, largely on the basis that yen years was a bit to long a time for me. (Of course there are photos of me at that sort of age, there's even one that is 30 years old on Facebook today!) In those days the world was still experiencing me in a very different way, but it has just dawned on me that it is now over ten years since I started to let (at least certain honoured) parts of the world experience me as myself.

Checking through old posts here I find that there are actually quite a few photos from around 10 years ago, not all of them ones I'm proud of any more, I've done a lot of growing up over the last ten years! Surprisingly some of the clothes I still have and wear, this green dress is an example, indeed I wore this again only last week. There are plenty of others that I have either disposed of, or keep hidden at the back of the wardrobe to serve as a reminder of what not to wear! If memory serves me right then it was not long after this photo was taken that I abandoned my wigs and started to wear my own hair, appropriately styled.

It's strange looking back on what I was up to around the turn of the years 2011/2012 I was obviously very self absorbed, and not a nice person to live with. I wonder how my family managed to put up with me through all that period. I was finding it increasingly difficult to manage two personas, it was causing me and everybody else stress, this was about the time when I was gradually beginning to realise I had to make some choices, and that I had to be selfish about it and do what I needed, otherwise I would be spoiling my life and that of everybody around me. I think that around that time I was taking a lot of selfies, just by way of some form of self validation, trying to see myself how I wanted to be seen.

Certainly these days I find I am taking very few photos, and of those few even fewer are of me! Indeed the problem wasn't finding an old photo but a current one! I have quite a few from 2020 that I rater like but I can actually only find a couple from 2021 at all. Maybe it's a sign of the growing ease with which I live with myself, these days my validation comes much more from my music and my relationships. Somehow appearances feel much less important than they did a few years ago maybe that's why I just don't seem to be bothering about the selfies any more.

Anyway I think this may be this is the photo that sums up 2021 best!

Don't You Know Who I am?

 You'd think that after Blogging for over 10 years (Paula's Place opened it's doors on 29th August 2011) with 1744 posts under my belt, it would seem reasonable to expect you to be getting some idea about who I am. Of course like everybody else I am an amalgam of many things, and to different people different aspects of my persona will be more dominant than others. Looking back over the Blog this is reflected in the breadth of subject matter.   Early on it played the role of confidant, not really expecting many readers it was my chance to write about (and photograph) aspects of my life that at the time I wasn't sharing with my family or friends.   Sharing with this confidant helped me to come to terms with who I am ~ and the understanding that I am not who I thought I was back in 2011.

During those ten years a lot has changed in my life, just as a lot has changed across the Country. I don't expect things to stop changing, or indeed the rate of change to slow down much, either for me or the Country.  I've written a lot about my growing gardening business, my musical career, recently I have been writing more political observations. My current period of enforced leisure is giving me cause to reflect on just where I go next and exactly when 

Collectively at the moment we can't get goods or fuel to retailers, we can't find staff to do the jobs we don't want to do. In short we are paying the cost of underpaying, and underinvesting for the years we could get away with importing cheap labour. Now we are going to have to start paying our lorry drivers, our fruit pickers, our abattoir workers, our cleaners, our waiters, and all those other under paid, undervalued roles a sensible living wage. Of course this means that these extra costs will have to be passed on to the end user (us!) so we can expect an extended period of inflation. Don't expect the Government to be too active trying to stem inflation, it will suit them quite nicely as inflation always helps reduce the impact of government debt, and there's a lot of that just now.

I recently suggested to a friend that "We're all going to hell in a handcart" he replied  "No - the Government have just announced a shortage of skilled handcart operatives and anyway the carts are being used for supermarket deliveries, so we'll just have to walk" 

But what actually inspired the title of this post was what seemed to me to be a very strange situation I found my self in last week (before my confinement! I was making one of my frequent visits to our local recycling center, emptying a sack of green waste when a stranger stopped and "OH, I recognise you! Your photo's up in the town center!"

Yes it is, it's been there now for about 2 years and that's the first time I'm aware of anyone I don't know has commenting on it. I actually think he was doing well to recognise me with my hair tied back and in my work clothes!

As I drove out I wanted to shout at the staff there "Don't you know who I am?"

Little Things ~ My Office Today

 

Well more strictly speaking these were all taken on Monday.

Lets Face it a snow duck is always going to cheer us up!

Winter Aconites

I was especially pleased too see these snowdrops, I planted them in the green a couple of years ago, last year they did come up but didn't flower. I always feel as though snowdrops are reassuring me that spring is on it's way, and that I should feel encouraged.

Hellebores!