I did a thing!

Today is the International Day of Transgender Visibility, so I think this is a good day to be honest. The last couple of months I have been struggling, for no apparent reason. I have been struggling to get up in the morning to do many of the simple things that we have to do just to get through life, washing up, laundry, house work, simple checks on finance etc. In consequence I have found myself in a bit of a mess. This by no means the first time I've been like this so I always used to think that I might be bipolar, but during this period I have had a few concerts, a trip to Paris and have completed a couple of my best arrangements yet.

I now think that I may be ADHD and that my "downs" are an aspect of that rather than full blown depression. Either way it is part of me and something I just have to deal with. It is nothing to do with my being trans, but it may well be something to do with my being a musician ~ I do seem to know a lot of musicians who are neuro diverse in one way or another.

One thing that always makes me "pull my socks up" and get on with life is performing. As one of life's natural show offs performing ~ being the centre of attention ~ is one of my big driving forces. Last night I had a performance, another go at Stand Up. I didn't feel very well prepared, I didn't manage to use many of the gags I had prepared but did use some I hadn't prepared. I'm not at all sure that my pacing was right, the delivery was certainly a bit laboured.

The concept was that I was meant to be the Easter Bunny, getting old, and worried because I had all my eggs in one basket. Maybe not my best, but I think I got away with it. But this morning I got up OK, have done a few things and am feeling as though I have more energy than I've had for ages. So for me maybe laughter really is the best medicine.

Video credit to Merlin Golder

Imposters

I think it is quite common for musicians and other performers to have a degree of imposter syndrome, I have certainly experienced more than my fair share of it over the years. I remember talking to a couple of singers once and saying how often I had the fear that somebody in an audience would stand up point at me and say "I'm paying to listen to proper musicians not them!" only to be told that is an ordinary everyday part of being a musician, that we all get it from time to time. I don't know whether it comes from setting too exacting standards, from not appreciating your own qualities or maybe from just not feeling sufficiently prepared. For me I think it came from the idea that I was always playing a part.

In costume as cabaret compere

This all came back to mind following a recent post over on Crysti's Condo where she talks about acting as her true self, and self confidence as the most important accessory a trans woman can have. Most people who know me would think that self confidence was something that I have never been short of, but believe me much of that was all part of the act, of playing the part. Whether I was playing the part of a manager, a musician, an entertainer, or whatever it always felt that I was playing a role not being actually being it. To this end I would always get into costume. A smart suit when I was being a manager, work boots and "fatigues" if I was a labourer, and of course the dinner jacket for concerts. These costumes would help me "get in character" help me to play the part, to give me that aura of self confidence. Little did people know the shrinking little girl inside.

2012 and still in costume

Having said all that it's hardly surprising that when I started to go out dressed I was still playing a part, true the costume was a bit more elaborate and the role a rather different one. Although playing a woman was in many ways a lot more satisfying than any of the other roles I had been playing, I was still getting into a costume to get into character to play a role. ~ I should say that I was totally oblivious to all this as to me at the time this was just how life worked.

Of course one of the things that visually separates men and women is often our hair, so if I wanted to go out I would have to adopt a wig ~ now I know some girls have to wear wigs for a variety of reasons, this is simply my experience and how I feel ~ at first I bought a rather nasty cheap grey wig, it was sold I think as part of an "old woman" fancy dress but it served my use. when this started to get a little tired I tried one in my original hair colour, dark brown, and it looked awful. I realised that if I was going to do this I should buy a decent wig, and ended up with the blond bob on the left. I realised that as my hair had gone greyer, my skin tones had changed as well, now dark hair made me look washed out, whereas the lighter blond tones match my natural grey.

2014 and out of costume, just me!

Of course as anyone who has had to wear wigs for any length of time knows they are not terribly comfortable, and very difficult to forget. As I gradually began to grow my hair and have it styled in a more feminine manner I could abandon my wigs, and that's when I made an interesting discovery.

Suddenly for the first time I felt as thought I wasn't in costume and wasn't playing a part. I wasn't dressing as a woman, I wasn't pretending to be a woman, I wasn't pretending to be anything, I was simply being me, being a woman. This of course also made me realised that for all those years I had been playing a role, pretending to be a man, now I could really start being me rather than simply playing the role that society expected of me.

Now I am being authentically me rather than role playing I have real self confidence, it's no longer an act, the imposter syndrome has (virtually) gone and as a consequence I am sure I am a better, nicer person, and I'm certainly a better musician. Without that self confidence from being true to myself I don't think I would ever have been have been able to do stand up in public, I used to "get away with" conducting, but now I love it and think I help others too.

Every now and then I do still play a role, and I will get into costume to do it. but these days I think the costumes are more fun! I have always loved clothes but now I just wear them for the joy of it, rather than to get into role. The strange thing is that when I started being honest about my cross dressing I thought it was all about the clothes, yet bizarrely it was through cross dressing that I realised just how much my "ordinary" day to day life had been all about the clothes.

A New Career?

 Over the years I see that I have often mentioned my desire to do some stand up, what I don't appear to have mentioned is that I have now done some, three performances to be exact! The first was to celebrate the International Transgender Day of Visibility way back in 2019 before the World shut down. I managed to put together a routine about being Trans ~ to be fair my paceing wasn't great and one or two of the gags were in questionable taste. I'm quite sure that if I had had the chance to do a few performances I could have tightened things up and made a good fist of it. But as a pure amateur I didn't have that chance.

"Dick" with his pussy

I'd rather thought that would be it, an ambition fulfilled, a very fun experience, but just the once. Then a couple of months ago two opportunities came up. First was at a cabaret night to celebrate the 80th birthday of a friend, All of us there were musicians, all the other performers were singers ~ given that it's now over 50 years since I've done any serious singing I thought I would give that a miss, and lets face it nobody has ever come away from a cabaret thinking "That was a great night, but what it really needed was a tuba solo" ~ nobody, ever! I was very happy with the short routine I worked out ~ as we were all musicians it was all based on music and musicians, a little niche but appropriate. People seemed to enjoy it, I certainly managed to get a few laughs. 

Then last week it was time to do another in Public, this time I had the idea first rather than have the booking then trying to work out the act. Since it is pantomime season (Oh yes it is!) I thought it would be fun to do a skit around having a transgender woman in the role of a principal boy, add to that the possible bad taste innuendo around Dick Whittington and his cat I couldn't resist.

In full flow

So Thursday evening saw me at The Oval Tavern in Croydon  as part of the line up for "Their Majesties", the monthly LGBT+ evening, mostly drag, but with one or two others who don't quite fit in. Like many towns around the UK Croydon no longer has a specifically LGBT venue, but The Oval offers us a safe space, and a special night on the last Thursday of each month, "Their Majesties"!

I had an absolute blast, it was simultaneously scary and great fun; a bit like me really!

It can't have been too bad, even though I forgot some of my lines I did get a few laughs, and I've been asked back to do another set on March 30th. I've no idea what I'm going to talk about, or how I'm going to make it funny, but it does coincide with the Transgender Day of Visibility again ~ as well as the
birthday of my good friend.

Photo and video credits to Patricia Curtis

Another New Toy

The last couple of weeks autumn has been trying to get itself done, and in consequence I was spending all too much time clearing leaves up, I think these two magnolias eventually filled five of my big green sacks, at least on this job I didn't run out of day light"

This is two weeks out put from one garden, frustratingly most of those leaves are not from trees in my customer's garden, but from ones in his neighbours'. By the time I had loaded up the van and cleared up it was properly dark. At many of my customers clearing the fallen leaves is the final job of the year and I won't be going back till March to start the late winter/early spring pruning.

I am a little worried that at a couple of my gardens I hadn't finished clearing the leaves before yesterday's snow came.

Last week I was very lucky to be able to meet a good friend at Phil Parker's, London's leading Brass shop. It was good to meet up (tuba players don't often get a chance as so often there's only one of us per band/orchestra. I was particularly keen as I wanted his opinion on an instrument I was buying. To be fair not only did we agree on the instrument, he also helped me negotiate a good deal! So I am now back to three tubas!

I say I was lucky because it's that time of year when all brass players are active, somehow there is a natural affinity between brass and Christmas ~ maybe it's the influence of the Salvation Army, but it seems as though every brass band is out playing carols, and every choir, shopping centre, or Railway station would like one as well. That's great, it's nice to be wanted, but unfortunately there just don't seem to be enough of us to go around, and all too many of those choirs and venues don't want to pay!

Sunday's Office

Last week I had four performances, 1 playing, 2 conducting, and 1 stand up (I was particularly pleased with my stand up as this is only the second time I've done any, I felt a lot more relaxed and less self conscious than the first time, I now think there may well be a third time coming up) This week I've already had 2 rehearsals and a concert and it's only Monday afternoon!

Although I still have a few rehearsals I think I just have some carols to play on Saturday and a concert to conduct on Sunday. While I love all this musical activity, I'm doing most of it either on trombone or conducting, so I haven't yet been able to show off my new toy!

A Bad Year for Show Offs

A few years ago I went to the Rodin
exhibition at the Royal Academy. It
Truly was life changing

In my last post I mused on the opportunities I have had recently for introspection, I suspect that a lot of us have been looking inwards and trying to analyse a lot of feelings in response to this strange year. Now I'm no stranger to a bit of introspection, I don't think anyone would go through transition without a lot of self analysis! Well I thought I had sorted all that out and could just get on with my life, but of course 2020 had other ideas, cutting me off from so many of the activities I love, the occupations that define me, and the affirmation of friends and family. So what have I learnt;~

• I am a performer! That may sound like a statement of the blooming obvious, but reflection has shown me just how much I have missed my musical performances ~ I enjoy rehearsals, but they are a means to an end it is the performances that I miss. Rehearsing or practicing is very much about the players, the techniques of the instrumentalists, melding them into a single statement rather than a selection of different ideas ~ it is the performance that then becomes a conversation between the performer and the audience. Of course this is more obvious in other performance arts than orchestral music, but it is very much there, and I have missed it. But dare I say this too is pretty obvious, it is what I do!

A bit of a show off

I have also found that I have missed the speeches and presentations I make, these are mostly for groups I represent, Croydon Pride, TransPALS, and others. I rather thought that I was doing this because I was the one best placed to do it, I even tried to tell myself that it was a burden, but on reflection I love it! In short I do rather like to be the centre of attention (as long as it's in a good way!) and that hasn't happened much in 2020

Two years ago I managed to do my Stand Up routine, while I have no plans to repeat the experience I'm glad I did it, the experience was interesting ~ if a little terrifying, and has made me realise that if I wasn't playing music then I would still have to get on a stage somehow, who knows I might even have tried drag!

• I need people! Maybe this is linked to being a performer, but I miss the companionship, and the comradery. Most of the year I have been OK as I have been able to work which means going out and seeing people, being active and doing something I love. But without people I find myself wondering what my purpose is, the old "what am I here for" question. In a way it is a sort of validation that comes from others. I remember when I first started my transition it was imperative to me not just that I understood myself to be a woman, but that others also saw me as one. I am sure that this is as a  type of validation that I can only truly get from others  ~ maybe that makes me shallow, maybe it makes me insecure, or maybe others are like this too but don't show it as much. I used to suffer with (sometimes) crippling imposter syndrome ~ particularly when on stage ~ I have not had that for some time, but however much I tell myself I am fabulous I still need others to tell me as well.

• I like dressing up, ~ well dur! In more normal times I will be out rehearsing up to six times a week, with a few performances thrown in as well. I will meet friends for a drink or dinner out. Again most of that has gone out of the window this year, but as I have said before I have been able to carry on working. I would normally get home have a shower get changed and go out. This year it has been more like get home shower and put on my pyjamas! 

All dressed up, but at least I had somewhere to go

My work clothes aren't exactly fun, or glamourous! Every now and then it's fun to dress up a bit! I always think about what I am wearing, whether it's a costume to help me to play a part, Gardener, Office Manager, Musician, Politician, looking the part helps me to behave in the appropriate manner; but it is also fun. I have missed the posh frocks I wear for concerts and receptions, but I have probably only worn any sort of dress four or five times this whole year.

I think I may reintroduce "Dress Up Friday" since we are all dressed down all the time now we don't need a special day to be allowed to dress down, but some of us do need an excuse to dress up!

Stand Up

Generally when I think of stand up I think of comedy, and my personal ambition to do a routine in public, but today it does mean something else altogether, nothing to laugh about.

On the 14th November Peter Cohen (Brother of the 1966 World Cup wining George Cohen) was beaten to death after he went to help another man in the club he owned.   In response to this his son, Ben Cohen started the Ben Cohen Standup Foundation a foundation dedicated to eradicating bullying, by Standing Up to them.   Bullying in schools, bullying in the workplace, bullying in the street, all types of bullying, homophobic, transphobic, sexist, racist ~ all types of bullying.

When I watched Ben Cohen scoring in the 2003 Rugby Word Cup final I never expected to be writing this post, he never expected to become a Gay Icon, I never expected to be transitioning, we, none of us know what to expect.   But we do know that if we display weakness, or difference then there will still be a bully out there, somewhere waiting to take advantage of that to enlarge themselves by belittling others.

Lets Stand Up

Resolutions II

So having had a look back at how I have done over the last year it's now time to look ahead at what i want to achieve over the coming year.   Unlike last year these will not all be trans related, with more frequent posting I have found that I writing more and more about other aspects of my life, this seems only right as I am not a one dimensional person, and I am often far more involved in family, work r music matters than in any trans issues that may be around.   However like last year I am going to limit myself to six

1   To achieve solvency ~ I think I have mentioned before that money is an issue, like so many other people I ran up credit card and other debt that I suddenly found I could no longer service.   I have had to make "arrangements" with my creditors and have, with difficulty being sticking to these arrangements.   Towards the end of 2013 I anticipate a small windfall, nothing substantial, but it should be enough to settle everything except the mortgage, that would be a very nice feeling!

2   To take off one day each month, solely for my own edification.   I have tried to do this a few times but have always ending up missing few, these are my days to go to an art exhibition visit a garden or house, time to myself to go out and do something that will inspire and enlighten me, I expect that these may well also be Paula days.   I have already set this in motion I have booked for a couple of exhibitions at the Royal Academy.

3   To spend quality time with my wife, to restore our relationship and to get better at communicating.   I think we have started this and things have improved over the last month or so, but I am still very aware that I could "blow it" big time with one false move.   When our daughter was born I bought my wife a gold chain, a couple of years ago it broke, as part of her Christmas present I had it repaired, this was meant to be symbolic of my determination to repair our relationship, I hope this was noticed.

4   To enjoy Paula, but not let her take over.   I love the release of being Paula, of dressing up and going out, but I do not want to become Paula, full time, I need to be him, for myself, for my family and friends but most of all for my wife and daughter.   Like so much else this is complicated I know that I can't put the genii back in the bottle, but I need to limit the amount of time, money and emotional energy I devote to Paula, however having said that when I do go out, I need to make the most of it and do it as well as I can.

5   To perform as Paula, yes I still fancy doing some stand up, but I would also love to be able to play a concert as Paula, uniting two of my passions, unfortunately I am not sure how easy that woudl be with any of the ensembles I am currently playing with, I still have some hopes of the LGSO and associated wind band, but other than them I am not sure how I will achieve this one!

 

6   To play more music, by this I mean both recorded music to listen to and as an instrumentalist.   I need to do more (or indeed any) practise, especially on the tuba, I have noticed that I am not as good a player as was even a couple of years ago.   I think that a lot of this is down to my conducting, this takes a lot of the time that I was previously devoting to playing, and I have not made up for it any other time.   To a certain extent it is just keeping the muscles in trim, but I definitely need to play teh bass guitar more so that I can get to the level where I am playing the music, rather than the instrument!   It also struck me the other day that I rarely get to listen to music, the television tends to dominate in our household, but I am determined that I should listen to more of the music I know I love, and some that I don't know, I think this is one of the ways that we grow as musicians, exposure to new music as well as looking deeper into what we already know and love.   It could be as simple as retuning teh radio to Radio 3 and Classic fm occasionally rather than leave it stuck on Radio 4.

Maybe these are not all SMART i.e. specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, but they are at least all timed.   I'm not always good at making changes, but it is always worth trying to change the things you are not happy with.