I Have a Dream

A couple of day's ago it was the 50^th anniversary of Dr Martin Luther King Jr.’s famous speech, much has been written about this by much more sage commentators than me, but listening to the speech again I was struck by the bit where he says

“When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men would be guaranteed the inalienable rights of "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness."

It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note” I can’t help that wondering if even today for some members of society this cheque is still bouncing around.

 

The other thought that has stuck with me is just how much has changed in my lifetime.   In 1958 we had

·        Appartide in South Africa, that if not openly approved of was accepted by western governments.

·        Race segregation in the southern states of America

·        The British Empire

·        Tito in Yugoslavia

·        The Colonels were in power in Greece

·        Franco was in Spain

·        The only man on the moon was in an H G Wells novel.

·        Computers were in the realm of science fiction (the laptop I am typing this on has ore processing power that NASA used to put a man on the moon, and bring him back safely)

·        We no longer had rationing (that had ended in 1954 and my brother claims to remember it) but milk and eggs were still in short supply.

·        Women, although they had the vote, were not entitled to equal pay or equal rights.

·        Homosexual acts between men were illegal in the UK

·        Abortion was illegal in the UK

·        Harold MacMillan was Prime Minister, a man educated at Eton College with no idea what it is like for ordinary people living the living in the country (OK so some things haven’t changed)

 

 

Just a Little Prick

OK so if you expected this post to be about anything other than a blood test go and wash your mind out with carbolic!  

Yesterday (Thursday) I had my HNS Health Check, this is one of our current government ideas for making us all a bit healthier, so all of us of a “certain age” are being called in to see a nurse at our GP’s practise for a quick check up.   This consists of a few questions a cholesterol check, pulse and blood pressure along with some basic measurements.

 

And yes, she did say this will “just be a little prick in your hand” before taking a very small blood sample from the end of my big finger.   I am pleased to be able to report that I resisted the temptation to be a little naughty.   As expected the good old government think I drink too much, but the good news is that blood pressure, cholesterol, pulse and BMI are all on the good side of recommended levels.   To check the BMI I had to be weighed and measured, so the when that came around along with the simple request to “slip off your shoes” came I should not have been surprise, but since I was not wearing socks but was wearing bright red nail varnish, I paused, before slipping off my shoes and got on the scales.   The result was fine (75kg) and the nurse was far too professional and nice to comment.

So it is now official, as far as the risk of heart disease is concerned I am not only a very low risk, but apparently about 10 years younger than I actually am.  So you can expect Paula’s Place to keep going for a while yet.

Two Dogs Fighting

There is an old and possibly apocryphal story about a native American who talking about his inner conflict between good and evil likened it to two dogs fighting, when asked which dog was winning he replied "Whichever one I feed"

Rebecca asked "Has the man lost?" well at the moment he is definitely on the back foot.   How much of that is because I have been adapting to a life where Paula can come out pretty much as and when she likes, where Paula is an integral part of the household, her clothes are hanging in the wardrobe, her make up and jewellery on the dressing table.   Several, well lets be honest, most times over the last few weeks when I have got home from work I have got changed.   Many of my normal day to day activities I have been conducting dressed, shopping, laundry, housework etc. so he has only really been around for work and when I have been out with a band.

Amongst other impacts I have found that I will miss Paula while I am at work, I have found myself longing to go to work or a rehearsal dressed, but have so far resisted.

On the other hand yesterday and today I had a long day at work, got home cooked dinner had a beer and went to bed, this morning was an early start, it felt fine and natural to just put on my normal work clothes and get going.    Has the man lost, well maybe not, after all the Rugby season starts soon so I will be more involved in more "masculine" activities, I don't think that either my rugby club or I am quite ready to go and watch them play wearing a dress.   As I have observed on occasion before I do still like being a man, the trouble is I also enjoy being a woman, will one win out over the other? at the moment I can't tell, but given that they haven't over the last 50 plus years it seems unlikely that it will happen now.   However one thing I do know, I am not going to do anything rash, I am not going to burn any bridges make any irrevocable changes while I am uncertain of what the future holds.   In the mean tie I guess I should feed both dogs the same..................

Technical problems

Every now and then we will all have the odd wardrobe malfunction, whatever our gender, or gender expression.   However it is just a bit more complicated or embarrassing for girls like us, especially when the problem involves some of the fundamental underpinnings.   I have learnt many a lesson the hard way, such as it is not always the prettiest panties that provide the best “containment”, you will be pleased to hear that I will leave that one hanging, and not offer any detailed explanations.

The other weekend I did have a bit of a technical problem with my boobs!   As well as wearing a bra I had got into the habit of securing my boobs with some craft glue, this had built up into quite a stiff extra layer on the back, I felt it was about time I cleaned this off, in the process of cleaning I managed to put a small hole in the back of one of them and a little silicon started to ooze out.   Although I patched this up with some tape I decided it was time for some fresh boobs!   I bought some new ones from Soft Leaves, although they are from the same firm and very similar to my others they are a little paler and ever so slightly larger.   This is excellent news as it means I can now properly fill all my bras without any additional help, it also means I have a pair I can keep for best ~ and not many girls can claim that.

So off for the photo shoot I wore my new boobs wearing an appropriate bra and using some double sided tape for extra security as recommended by the manufacturer.   When I came to the shot I wore my backless evening gown which meant no bra, after a little while under the lights I realised that my boobs were slipping!   Indeed they were no longer attached at all, it was just the cut of the dress that was stopping them sliding gracefully down my body and legs onto the floor.

With a few adjustments I managed to get through the shoot,  but I can tell that this will not get me through a whole evening.   The manufacturer recommends using the tape, but the tape does specify that it is for additional support, not a sole form of attachment.   Anyone any ideas?

Androgyny?

Now I have the space all of my clothes are hanging properly in wardrobes, Girl stuff on the right and stuff on the Boy left (the sinister side for the classists amongst you) should be simple yes? Well not so much as for some time I have been buying girl jeans and one or tops that already hang on the boy side, add in a couple of zip up jackets and it starts to get confusing.    There are quite a few girls’ tops that I have found which button up the boy’s way round, and the same with jeans, this makes me wonder increasingly what is the difference.   Well it does seem to me that the clothes sold as girl clothes are generally of a better more fitted cut, and, moreover, made from finer material.

I may be no Andrej Pejic but several times recently I found myself on the way out of the house ostensibly in male mode but the only bits of “genuine” male clothing I am wearing are the shoes, then the other day I bought a pair of low heel brogues off the ladies rack, is this the end of civilisation as we know it?   Or is that just wishful thinking!

Pink Fog

It is now nearly four weeks since my wife decided to move out, as well as all the other implications of this it did mean that I could now dress how I like when I like, of course with freedom comes responsibility so naturally I did not take this freedom to work with me!   On the other hand at weekends and evenings I could now do as I wish, and let’s be honest I did.

The pink fog came down in strength and every evening and all the free time during weekends would find me fully feminine, this is a freedom I have never felt before as before our marriage I was still very conflicted about the whole thing and constrained by both societal pressures and my own inexperience and lack of understanding.   Now if I wanted to dress for dinner I could, if I just wanted to change into something a little more casual and comfortable after work I could, oh yes and the satin PJs didn’t have to stay hidden away for nights when one or the other of us was away.

I fully expected that after a few days the fog would start to rise and I would only feel the imperative to be dressed occasionally.   As so often happens I was wrong!   Even this evening have got home after nearly 14 hours on the road I still felt the urge to get changed.   Being pretty tired and aware that I need to shower before bed, anyway I have resisted the temptation ~ so far.   I can’t help wondering if this will pass, or will the obsession continue and even grow?   Now I having started to walk this path I am a little nervous of where it may take me.

There is the old joke, “What’s the difference between a cross dresser and a transsexual?” answer “about three years”   Well it seems that I have already sacrificed a great deal on the altar of honesty, I wonder how much more I may be asked, or am prepared to sacrifice?

Enter the Men

My comments about the invisibility of trans men the other day may well be in the process of being proved to be tosh!    The latest issue of "Frock" magazine does have an article on Luca Silveira a trans man making I in the mainstream music world, and Crysti tells me that it is the men who are most active rights campaigners in her part of the world.

So, more power to your elbows Guys, pleased to see you!

Loos cannon

I know for many of you this is a big issue, which one to use?   I have adopted the policy of using whichever I am dressed for, I work on the theory that this is less likely to embarrass the civilians.

That does mean that I am almost uniquely qualified to compare the two alternatives.   We will all have noticed that very often the ladies are under catered for, hence the long queues we so often see outside the ladies' door, for those of you not familiar with the inside of a ladies' I can assure you that the queue continues on the inside.   Often you will find that there will only be three or four stalls, while the men will have six urinals and one or two stalls, often only taking up roughly the same footprint on the ground.   Another reason for the queues is the difference in the amount of time it takes a man to walk in "present arms" and walk out again, against a lady disrobing, adjusting her dress, washing hands, and a quick check in the mirror ~ note washing hands, it is a little frightening how few men I see washing their hands.

Another observation is that very often the "Gents" is quite a lot "ickyier"   On Sunday I found myself once again on the M4, very often when I am on that road I am travelling pretty so when stopping at a services I use the ladies' on this occasion I was in drab so used the Gent's and it was just so much less pleasant.   Not dirty just not a nice place to be, the ladies' has nice tiles, mirrors etc., somebody has made an effort, not so the Gent's, this is a pattern I see replicated in almost every environment I go to in both modes, whether it is theatres, concert halls, pubs or shops yes all very functional, but even in a Motorway services don't we deserve better?

Final word on the subject, just around the corner from where I live is one of our area's few blue plaques, it marks the home of one of the most influential of Victorian innovators, Thomas Crapper. (Funny how Google speller doesn't like "ickier" but is fine with Crapper!)

I've never been to a pool party

Well I haven't been to a pool party for a long time, and it was a pretty small pool.   Back in the 1970s when I was of an age to enjoy these sort of things pools were a rarity in London, I would say that they still are.   I do wonder if I were invited to one now how would I dress for it?   The thought was inspired by today's Leanne which I felt I just had to share

Black is the New Black

Yesterday, after my photo shoot I was feeling very much "all dressed up and nowhere to go, I tried a couple of friends to see if I could get some company for lunch but they were both busy, so I settled for a couple of gasses of wine in the Grape & Grain before making my way home.   I'm glad I did pop in as being Sunday lunchtime they often have some live music, yesterday it was a very good guitarist ad a girl singer doing some cool jazz.   I really quite enjoy this style and they were very good.   After that I had a wander around the flea market that springs up on a Sunday, but saw nothing that called out to me.

After an afternoon of housework and laundry I decided that I would have a nice dinner so popped next door to Tesco's and picked up some posh fishcakes and some ice-cream, add in a nice salad and a bottle of wine and it was a very nice dinner.   I probably enjoyed it all the more as I had decided to change and "dress for dinner" getting out another LBD and some sparklies.

I haven't worn this dress out yet as although it is a good fit and very comfortable I suspect it is a little on the short side, still I do have at least four concerts lined so that could account for all four LBDs unless I get a chance to wear one of the long ones.   If I am honest I have to admit I do really have too many black dresses, I must stop even looking at them in the shops, there are so many things that should be much higher on my list f financial priorities.

The Shoot

This morning I got up early to get myself ready for the photo shoot, I had done my nails the previous night so just had to shave (everything!); do my hair; pack my bag; do my make up; and, get dressed; so no pressure there then! (semicolons Meg!)

I just about managed to get everything done and ready to set off just before ten, in all it took me about two and half hours, and I usually pride myself on not taking too long to get ready.   It's just as well that it didn't take me any longer as there were so many road works I only just managed to make it to Dalston in time.   The guys doing the photos were great, and although the studio was set up in their lounge, they were very professional about the whole thing and set me very much at ease.   Justin took the photos while Nathan "Supervised" and "Helped"

I wore my white / pink / mauve flowery dress up there and took the pink linen one as well as both the long black evening gowns, the boys decided that THE Dress was definitely the one they wanted, so after a, not too, quick change I wore that for all the photos, I felt very glamorous, elegant  and sophisticated, and from what I saw I think Justin will have made me look that way as well.

I am really looking forward to seeing some of the shots he took, and the finished artwork for the poster, I have been promised a copy of one of the shots so I will post it here just as soon as I have it.

It always does

I feel another little trip next door to Tesco's coming on, and who cares if I a wearing a dress?

By the time you will have a chance to read this I will be well into a very busy weekend.   This morning I will be getting up early (for a Saturday) I reoperation for a long day on the road, some of our Church youth (including my daughter) are going to be staying the week at Lee Abbey in Devon, so I have volunteered to drive there with a couple of passengers and the luggage for the group, I will the be driving back to London, although the distances involved may well not impress the American or Australian readers the thought of spending 8 to 10 hours driving does not fill me with glee.   Especially as I will have a full day on Sunday as well.

Sunday is the day of the photo shoot, so once again I will have to rise early as I want my presentation to be as good as possible, that means hair, nails, and make up all need to be perfect, so no pressure then!   I hope I will be able to have a bath and do my nails on Saturday night, but I will have to do my hair on Sunday morning and that is an area I am still trying to learn.   I expect we will be through by lunch time,, but I expect I will find it a little hard to come back down to ground level afterwards, so I may well stay out and visit something somewhere in the afternoon.

Whatever I do will not alter the fact that it is my daughters birthday, I trust she will be celebrating with her friends in Devon, I will be taking her to Brighton the following weekend to buy a birthday present from GAKS.

Femininity ~ in safe hands

On Femulate the other day Stana answered a question that basically asked what will cross dressers do when all the women dress like men anyway.   I started putting in an answer to the post and quickly realised that I had more to say than could easily be included in a comment.    So of first can suggest that you pop over and read the original post.

First is the idea that all the women are abandoning any sense of femininity in their dress, with everyone wearing jeans and tee shirts.   Certainly I do see a lot of people (of all genders) in casual clothes, well actually down right scruffy clothes to tell the truth.   My personal hate is sweat suits and jogging trousers (joggers) I will only admit to having worn these when actually out running and that hasn't happened for quite a while.   I will agree that there is not as much elegance as I would like, but it has not vanished, and I suspect that it never will.   I look at my daughter and her friends (mostly 16 - 18 year olds) and although most of the boys are absolute slobs (but then wasn't it always thus) most of the girls dress in a highly feminine manner.   It seems to me that as a generation they have embraced pretty, and on the whole I thoroughly approve.

Like most parents of teenage girls I would like it if some of her hemlines were a little lower, but on the whole she displays excellent taste and like her friends will not be seen in public unless she is properly dressed and made up.   Indeed she does not own a pair of jeans, legging yes, but always worn judiciously, I am sure that femininity is in safe hands with her generation, much more so than with her mother's.

I have to agree with Stana  that those seek "Fancy Dress" will find what they want one way or another but those who are true "Femulators" will seek to emulate, what is being worn.   Unlike Stana I now regularly find that I am in situations where anything other than casual wear will attract attention, so I quite often find myself in jeans and a top, but I refuse to accept that this is by definition unfeminine.   Whether it is the cut of he jeans the choice of the top, style, length, colour all contribute, then there are the accessories, these all add up to how we look, there should still be a great deal of difference between masculine and feminine jeans and a tee shirt.   Of course there are always slobs on both sides, and when people can't be bothered to make any effort with how they look, then they look neither masculine nor feminine, just slobs.

Exposure

There is something about the relationship cross dressers have with a camera that separates us from most civilians.   I thin that being able to look at photos of ourselves somehow affirms our experience of dressing, on a practical level it does allow us to look critically at our presentation and see ourselves as others see us.   We can then work a little harder at the bits that don't work, adjusting our makeup or our style to fit.   But I think there is more to I than that, having the pictures is proof that we did that! they also have the advantage that in a photo you can't see the walk or hear the voice, it is all about the image.

Some of the images I see of cross dressers on the internet, suggest to me that maybe quite a few cross dressers have confused ideas about women, or maybe the sort of woman they want to be.   These are the photos that can politely be put in the category of "Glamour" but often seem to have more to do with a form of exhibitionism.   I have just been looking at some Cute Cross Dressers over at Cyrsti's Condo, and some of them are very cute, but there are others where a little more taste (and a little less underwear and flesh) could have been displayed.   I struggle to understand what motivates anyone to make public photos of themselves posed provocatively dressed in skimpy lingerie.   Why do so many of these photos show socking tops?   I know that a significant minority of women do wear stockings, but as a general principle the idea is not to show the tops, to display that you are wearing stockings tends to suggest the sexual connotations, that availability, rather than a comfort related choice.

I think this is also one of the reasons that many civilians will assume that crossdressing is all about sex, if these are the images they see, then it is only natural that is what they will assume, if they are only aware of having seem images of cross dressers draped provocatively over a bed dressed in bra, panties, suspender and stockings and extreme heels, or worse still performing demeaning sexual acts, then they may well assume that that is all we do.

Of course the temptation is even stronger now many of us have smart phones with great little cameras built in, if you use one of these then you may want to watch this, it shows how your location and some personal details can be traced when you post pictures on line, even if you think you are being anonymous!

So ladies, my plea is remember that any photos that get on the net stay there, they can be copied and posted on other sites you have no control over, they are available to everybody and anybody to look at, so please play nicely.

A Dirty Litte Secret

Over at "He Wears Panties"  Hope has written a nice little article considering the attraction of breaking taboos, in secret, i.e. men wearing women's lingerie, but keeping it secret, the secret breaking of society's rules, suggesting that for some men the attraction is in the secret.

For me the attraction is not about the secret, indeed the exact opposite, I find the more I am out the happier I am, so for me I am relieved that a lot of the restrictions that were on me have been lifted, I am enormously sad about the circumstances,  but it is good not to feel furtive, hiding my "stuff" away in the van or the garage, getting changed in non gender specific toilets, or doing my makeup in the rear view mirror.   This hiding made it feel like a dirty little secret, and I don't want it to be that.

It is surprisingly liberating to be able to do my laundry and hang it out to dry, whenever I need to.

Burger without Ketchup?

I think it was Stana on Femulate who first said a bad day En Femme is better than a good day in drab.

About once a month I have quite a long, boring data entry type job, which basically involves sitting at the computer for several hours doing some really boring stuff.   In order to make life a bit more entertaining over the last few months I have been getting dressed and then taking my lap top out to a hotel or coffee shop, this month as our domestic arrangements have changed I stayed home, and spent most of the morning putting in the data.   Certainly getting dressed and made up makes me feel so much better that the really boring job becomes just that much more bearable.

When it came to lunch time I had got a burger to cook myself, one big problem I was out of ketchup!   This should not be a problem since we have a Tesco's Local right next door.   As it is so convenient I use this shop quite a lot, enough that the staff recognise me, so I was a little reluctant to go in there dressed.

I was faced with the problem which would be worse, a Burger without Ketchup or going into my local shop en femme.   It probably says something about me that I decided the idea of a burger with ketchup was the worse option.   Of course when I went in nothing happened, there was no one shopping there who knew me, and nobody pointed and started laughing!

Piece of Cake

The other day we had a job that wasn't quite as hard as I expected, and it took us a lot less time than I anticipated, this was nice for the customer as it cost her less than I estimated, it was nice for me as we got started on another job as well, and it was nice for the guys working for me as we had tie for a proper lunch.   On this occasion a proper lunch included cupcakes bought by B from the reduced counter at Tesco.

So here specially for my friend Philipa (who Google thinks is  a spelling mistake for Philippe) here is a picture of cake.

Community

Joe makes an interesting point with his comment on "Purge" the vast majority of what we see or read about cross dressing, trans gender or trans sexual is all about the male to female.   Apart from Joe's own blog all the popular ones featured on T Central  are male to female.   Frock magazine seems to have totally overlooked the fact that these men exist despite claiming that they are a " glossy bi-monthly magazine that's aimed squarely at the transgender community", I guess the clue is in the name.

Now here's the thing is there actually such a thing as a "transgender community" I know that many of you "dear readers" are trans or have an interest in trans matters, again I guess that's why you are reading, but a community?   I meet with other T folk (all M to F) a maximum of once a month, it's nice to have the support and the opportunity to join campaigns for recognition / acceptance but does this make us a community?    It may be that it's just me, I want to be accepted as a woman in the community in which I live and operate, in a transgender community I will never be accepted as anything other than trans.   These meetings are an opportunity for some of the less confident, to dress, an environment where being accepted as Trans they don't need to worry so much about not passing, they blend OK with all the other T Girls who don't pass.  Is the transgender community just a bigger closet?

Don't get me wrong these groups do valuable service, I'm not sure that I would be as "out" as I am without having had the group to go to, practise on and help build my self confidence.   I am also sure that without them many, many people would be suffering major mental and emotional problems.   Without some outlet for our need to "let the outside fit the inside" most of us know the pressures that build up, and the drastic measures that get considered.   I just long for a time, a situation when we don't even think about a trans community, but where trans people are just accepted as part of the community.

WOW Thank You

Having just got home after a long day I checked up on my blog stats and comments and I can't believe it, there have now been over 100,000 pageviews of Paula's Place!   Over the last week or so there have been A LOT  more visits than I am used to, on occasion we have had over 500 visitors in one day against the usual 150 -200.   Of course I don't know how many of these might be "Bots", but for now I am just going to bathe in your admiration.

I am sometimes a little surprised that I don't get more comments, a while back I clicked the "enable Google plus comments" button, it is only now that I realise that this means that you can't comment unless your have a Google+ account.   Sorry about this, but please set up an account and let me know what you think, I do enjoy getting your comments, but it does mean that I am no longer having to deal with loads of spam every day.

Some time back (around six months I think) I started to allow Google to put ads on the site, in theory I get paid for these, on performance, during that time I have "earnt" less that £35 the biggest problem with this is that I can't withdrawer any amount smaller than £50, I wonder how any people give up with the whole thing before they can withdrawer anything, how many are like me, bloody minded enough to hang on until I get to £50 at which point I will stop the ads,, and feel so much more independent as a consequence.

Stealth?

On Saturday night I played a concert locally, having been dressed all morning when it came to go out for the rehearsal I was reluctant to get changed back into drab. So rather stupidly I left my eye makeup on and wore a short sleeved black blouse I rather like.   Bearing in mind my earlier comments that people either don't notice or only see what they expect to see, I was interested to see what would happen.  Well as it happened it seems that it was noticed both that I was wearing a blouse and that I had on some makeup.   Nothing was said to me but I do know that I was "spotted".   I wonder, if I had been asked why I was wearing a blouse would I have had the nerve to say that "I am a cross dresser and this is one of my favourite blouses?"

I don't know, and I suspect that bearing I mind my current circumstances it is best that I don't find out!   A couple of times over the last few weeks I have been very tempted to come out in quite a big way, but I think now I should try to calm it all down a little, at least until I am a little more settled in my own mind about whether I have a future and what that future might entail.

The concert itself was a great success, I ended up playing with two bands, the host band from London (on Trombone) and the guest band from Belgium (on Tuba), the music the Belgium band played was a lot more technical challenging and made pretty tough sight reading, especially when it went into six flats and I was playing a CC (this means that the more flats there are the further it gets away from the home key and the more difficult the fingerings become).   Unusually there was not a single piece in the set that had played before or even could say I knew, so I was very much on the edge of my seat for the whole set.

Playing trombone for second half my main problem was physical, as after the entire first half and two rehearsals before hand my lip was beginning to flag, indeed I'm not at all sure how I survived to the end, but somehow I did.   An excellent fun evening with friends, old and new ~ and just as well they didn't notice the trousers............

Shaveing

I used to have an on-line friend who would talk about the moment when "The Girl Emerged" I think that for her this was the point at which the physical "He" would be less obvious than the spiritual "Her" allowing the Her to be dominant.   For me I used to think of this as the point at which I could look in the mirror and see a she rather than a he.   I now find that I often see a she in the mirror even when I am not dressed or indeed even sometimes when I am in drab.

I think part of this is since I changed my hair style, and when I am not working I have started wearing a gold (coloured) chain, also of course now I am home alone most of the time I quite often have nail polish on.   The other morning I was struck by the incongruity of the image looking back at me in the mirror, there I was with my waved hair, gold chain, red finger nails and shaving foam all over my face.   When I can work out how I must take a photo.

I have also been trying keep all my body hair as clear as possible, I have noticed that my chest hair seems to grow faster than any other, at risk of sounding like a bad taste Billy Conolly stand up routine, isn't it all just hair, why should one bit on the same body be different to others?   My other thought is that since I started shaving I have followed in my father's footsteps, he taught me to shave using a shaving soap bowl, and I always have.   I now wonder if using one of the more modern products would help me get a cleaner finish.   Once again I am seeking advise, I know there are foams, and gels, as well as various soaps, I just don't know where to start.

Purge

I think most of us who are transgendered, transsexual, cross-dresser, transvestite or whatever else we might choice to call ourselves have experienced the purge.   In my experience this consists of a moment of rejection of what we do, brought on by consideration for others, pressures of society, or a moment of self awareness, whatever the cause the result is the same.

We go through all our "stuff" and throw away all our clothes, wigs, jewellery etc. etc. everything that is connected to our cross-dressing.   We are relieved, we have broken the cycle we  will just live a normal male life from now on (I assume that it is the same for female t male as well).   We will initially feel liberated, then we will manage, then we will struggle, then eventually we will give in to the inevitable and buy those cute shoes, or that pair of lacy panties.   Those of us of a "certain age" will recognise that this in itself is part of the cycle we go through.   I know I have been through it many time, too many times, before accepting that this is something I am and not something I do, That the clothes are an essential expression of who I am not the end in themselves.

Through these purges I have lost many garments and items that I now regret, of course it also means that I got rid of some unfortunate purchases that I was never going to wear in public.   Because of the sense of loss attached to a purge in my latest clear out I decided not to dispose of the rejects.   All my "boy" underwear has now been packed up in a suitcase along with my bike leathers and now reside in the attack.

Moving Paula in meant everything in the same place and properly organised, this led to the revelation of exactly how much underwear I have.   Because of the restrictions on doing laundry I think I often bought new when in normal circumstances I would simply have washed, I now find I have far, far too many pairs of panties, bras and tights.   At least it does mean I won't need to buy any for quite some time now, I shall now limit myself to replacing worn out items ~ unless of course they are really cute .

Don't forget that I still need your help and advise as to which dress to wear next Sunday.

Towels

Ahh the exciting life I lead, this morning I was putting out fresh towels in the bathroom, this meant making a decision as to which towels I would put out we have a pair embroidered "His" and "Hers" and it crossed my mind that I should put these out as I could use both of them.

In the end though I just put out a couple of pink ones.

I need help

When I got in this evening, I still had a few bits and pieces to put away, but I can now say for the first time ever that Paula has come home!   I no longer have shoes or clothes lurking in corners of the garage or the van.   Things are as they should be, those which need hanging are hanging those that should be in drawers are, and those which would normally be left on the top of a dressing table are.   This is all quite liberating, as Meg would call it a "A small Joy".

So after my little bit of tidying and before dinner I had a bath and then did some dressing up.   Although this is always fun I had a reason.   Next week I will be taking part in a photo session for the publicity for the next season of LGSO Concerts.   I will admit to being quite excited about this, it is quite a thrill and will certainly be a new experience.   We are asked to provide our own clothes, makeup jewellery etc. and the theme is to be Glamorous and sophisticated.  

My first thought is that this the ideal opportunity to bring out THE dress, but since the photos will be against a black background then maybe something more colourful and less formal might be called for. So my idea was to take some photos of some of my favourite dresses and ask you to tell me which you think would be best.

This is a favourite day dress, I have had for a couple of years, but still love.

I have only just bought my first couple of print dresses, I have always been a bit nervous of them, but these two floral prints are really nice, the back white and pink one has it's sash belt sown in with a big bow at the back and a smaller one at the front.

The green dress doesn't have a belt and I am undecided whether to add the white leather belt I am wearing with my pink linen dress at the top of the page.

Another long black dress, a quick count tells me that I currently have five or six black dresses, I really should get into colour a bit more.

And THE dress, I'm still not convinced that my back is my best feature, but it is the perfect length, fits where it touches, has sparkly bits and a mesh insert in the back of the skirt so there is a hint of a bit of leg rather than the out and out split of the other long black dress.   In short it is just about perfect.

 

After all that dressing up I was ready for some dinner, but was not about to start cooking in an evening gown, but couldn't be bothered to do a total change, so I just slipped out of my dress and into my "Daisy Dukes" and a favourite unisex top.

 

 

So you see I can do casual.   I only have just over a week to decide what I will wear and/or take to the photo session so please let me know what you think, I can't promise I will follow your advise, but it will definitely help me make up my mind.

 

Keep on Trucking

Today I had an early start, before driving down the M4 to Bristol and back.   As it was an early start I ended up not shaving, and by the end of the day I had a fair growth, so there I was drive my tatty white van down the motorway with a couple of day's growth on my face, I have to say that I have rarely felt less feminine that I did at that point.

When I got home I found my wife had been very busy, amongst other things she had moved her chest of drawers out of our bedroom and replaced with a dressing table for my use, I have to say that my heart went out to her.   Just at the moment I am very confused.

A bit of self pity

I don't really "do" horoscopes, I know there is a biblical injunction against them, but perhaps more to the point anything that says the same thing is going to happen to one twelve of the population in any one give week is clearly about as reliable as homoeopathy.   Of course when I talk to people who follow horoscopes they will ask my sign, I will happily tell them I am a Virgo to which I normally get the knowing nod of the head and the acknowledgement that "Well then you would say that wouldn't you, typical Virgo"   Having said all that Cyrsti has pointed me to "The Frisky", while clearly still rubbish it is entertaining.

Anyway this is their prediction for us Virgos for the next week.
"Sometimes you just can’t help but break out the pity party. Luckily, it can be cute — and this time, it’ll be downright irresistible. So, bat your eyelashes a little more dramatically because it’ll be those little things that will make a world of difference now. Besides, you’re a gal that lives for the details."

I will admit to a bit of self pity at the moment, (usually as a result of silly things like not being able to find the can opener, and then realising that my wife has taken it) but then I think I do have some reason, not so sure that fluttering my eyelashes will have much of a positive effect on anyone though.

THE Dress

To continue the saga....Yesterday I wrote about our television and a dress I had tried on but was unsure of buying, well today I went back, first I bought a TV, nothing fancy just a simple little tele that is big enough to see, small enough to fit and that will work.   The dress was another matter.

Part of my problem was that I didn't have the right shoes on when I first tried this dress.   I was wearing a pair of ballet pumps and this is a dress that requires killer heels.   Also it is totally backless and my bra was showing which made the whole thing look a bit odd.   As I was planning to pop in and buy the dress if it was still there my first thought that it would be too complicated to get dressed, I would just go in my normal drab working clothes and if it were still there I would buy it.   As a last minute decision I popped a pair of very sheer black tights and some killer heels it my bag before going out.   Arriving in the shop I checked out the rails and it was still there, so I claimed it.   One lady observed my choice and commented on what a nice dress it was, if she had seen it first she might have bought it.   As the only changing room was in use we got into a bit of a conversation, and I told her I had tried it the other day, but wasn't sure as I didn't have my heels with me, and I wasn't sure about the back.

As the changing room became free I slipped inside removed my drab outer garments . put  my tights, heels and the dress, in the small changing room it looked fine, but with a turn of devilry I went outside into the shop to find my new friend and asked her what she thought.   Having been reassured that it was "stunning" and that he back looked "really good on you" I just had to buy it didn't I?

It was a great buy and it was great to find a civilian who was happy to join in my fun, now I just need a suitable occasion to show off my new dress, how about a coming out party?

TV?

I mentioned yesterday that I was looking for a cheap replacement TV (Television not transvestite, I am quite happy with the one I am). The other evening I was out when I got a text message from my wife, who is still sleeping at our house, asking what was wrong with the telly? Well it had been fine when I turned it off, but now it just had a white screen, the sound was OK but no picture.   A quick search on the old interweb indicated what the problem might be and a possible fix, but that didn't work so I will be resorting to replacement.

However bearing in mind our current uncertain domestic arrangements I am loath to spend any money, hence the looking in charity shops.   On Thursday I visited Wallington where there is a BHF Furniture and Electrical store, they had a TV I quite liked but it didn't have a remote so I decided to leave it, wandering further down the High Street, I tried on a spectacular black evening dress, I wanted to buy it but wasn't sure that I could carry off the backless look.   I have now decided that today (Monday) I will go back and will buy both the TV and the Dress if they are still in stock.   If they have been sold then I will try to convince myself that it is a sign that I was right and shouldn't have bought them.

In the mean time we do have a little 14 inch portable TV that I have set up, it's not quite the same but at least I can watch the cricket.

And more

Following on from Friday's post I had very busy day on Saturday, not least because my daughter was having a sixteenth birthday party at our house, and my absence was requested, apparently I am just too embarrassing!    So I started the day with a trip to the Swanley commercial composting site to get rid of my green waste, after this I had a look in the BHF Furniture and Electrical shop to see if I could find a new telly, no joy, so then back home to load up the car with lots of general waste for a trip to the local dump.    Then it was a bit of a rush to tidy up all my papers and stuff from the lounge to make it a teenage friendly environment.

All this running around took me up till about two in the afternoon which would have been fine except that I was aiming to go to a band barbecue which started at midday.   A quick shower and change and I was on my way.   A little late (I missed most of the food) but still very much welcomed.   When I got there I realised that I still had nail polish on.  

We are a pretty friendly bunch and some of us are close friends who have known each other well for around forty years.   Despite the Facebook announcement no one mentioned our marital situation until I did, I suspect that they were A/ embarrassed and B/ didn't want to spoil the occasion by saying anything if I didn't.   This again makes me wonder if some people notice what I wear but don't want to say anything as against those who just don't notice.   One of my friends (a girl I have known for nearly twenty years through her marriage, the birth of her two children and the breakup of her marriage) did notice my nails, and challenged me "You are wearing nail polish aren't you" so I just said "yes" and when asked why I said "just for fun"   I was very tempted to come out then and there, but thought that it might not be the right moment.   Later as I was leaving at the same time as my friend I commented on our hostess's nails ( a gorgeous pink that matched the colour of her hydrangea perfectly) so it was pointed that mine were rather nice as well.   Neither girl seemed judgemental or critical of me wearing nail polish, but were complimentary of the colour and application.

I suspect that if (or perhaps when) I come out then this will be a group that will just continue to accept me as the friend they have known, but who has just acquired an additional quirk.

What did you see?

You may have gathered that I am inordinately fond of nail polish, for me this is almost the epitome of femininity, nicely painted long shinny pink or red finger nails just scream elegance, glamour and sophistication.   I also tend to think that my hands are one of my best features, so I do love to paint my nails, I also hate to clean them off again so soon afterwards.

So one of the small pleasures I have enjoyed this last week or so is leaving my nail polish on over night, this has actually led to me going out in the morning with the polish still on.   On two days this week I have been with customers, while my nails were pink, and I have no comment from anyone other than my friend S who was working with me today, who just observed that she liked the colour, but that her darker one was more practical for hiding the inevitable dirt under the finger nails attached with our job.

I suspect that this is a part of the whole thing that people only see what they expect to see.   The other evening I was out fully dressed in a light cotton flowery summer dress with pretty much full make up delivering my invoices, two of my customers saw me, recognised me and talked to me, neither asked why I was wearing a dress, I suspect that they simply did not notice.   In some ways this is nice and reassuring that people are not simply setting about finding us out and deriding us for our clothes choices, on the other hand it is a little disappointing to go to all that trouble to look nice and then have people not even notice.

Just One !?!?

So today's challenge from Paula,

What one person from history would you most like to spend a day with? And Why?

Mmmm, tricky one this.   I think one of the problems is that there are just so many figures to choose between.   It's a bit like Desert Island Disks only being limited to only one choice.   Certainly the one person who has changed World History more than any other, was also probably the most charismatic person ever as well, of course I mean Jesus of Nazareth, so why wouldn't I select Jesus? well I spend some time each day with Jesus as it is, I also suspect that this might just be missing the point.

While I am writing this I have an old recording of "I Claudius" running on the TV, which makes me wonder about the great Roman's or other Classical heroes.   We have such a choice Alexander? Hadrian?  Caesar? Brutus? or going back further Homer? or may be even Achilles or Odysseus.   Having said all that I can't think that it would be that much fun.

More recently we have Nelson or Wellington, but I understand that Wellington was a bit of a bore, and that Nelson was "so up himself" that a whole day might be a bit trying.  Churchill liked his brandy, I will admit to being a little partial to a drop myself, but I think the cigars might be a bit of a turn off.

Considering this question makes me realise that most of the great figures in history were very single minded, and that tends to mean that they would probably not be very good company, so maybe I should choose Eric Morecambe, or Stan Laurel.    They would certainly be more fun, but if I could only choose one person it would be the most important one there is, it would be my father.   He died just over 20 years ago and I still miss him, so much has happened in that 20 years that I could tell him about.   He would have loved being a grandfather and would have been very good at it, much better than my Mother is at being a Grand Mother, or than I am at being a father, maybe he could have given me a few tips at being a father and a husband, two things I don't seem to have been very good at.   More to the pint I could tell him just how god a father he was, and how much I miss him.

If this counts as cheating then I would have to plumb for Joseph Paxton, architect, engineer, designer, gardener and M.P. the talent and range of the man is simply staggering, just so long as I could get him to take off his hat.