More Musings

 At the moment I seem to keep passing milestones, and today is no exception. It is both a sobering and an encouraging day, for today I have received the first payment of my state pension. ~ I won't be living a life of luxury on it, but alongside my small occupational pension it does mean I will be able to live at some level of financial security. For me financial security is not something I have experienced for any substantial period of time having spent the majority of my career self employed, I hope to use these next few years to pursue some of the things that give me most satisfaction, making music, watching rugby, cooking (and eating) good food, and enjoying time with friends.

While indulging in the last two of those the other day two of us were considering our musical careers over the years and how different factors had impacted them, my lunch companion observed that whenever I referred to myself  in my pre transition days I either used my "dead name" or "Him" never "me". I have noticed this in other trans women as well, it is an interesting phenonium. I am generally quite careful of language (especially when in conversation with those I have not known for long) I  will talk of my days as a chorister ~ not as a choir boy, or when I was a child; I might refer to other girls but not other boys. I am also well known for referring to my pretransition days as "in another life". This is not because I don't know who I was or how the world experienced me back then, it's more because I don't want to screw with other people's minds too much.

Fat and Ugly?

Yet I suspect that there is also an element of disassociation as well, as though somehow prior to transition I was not really me. Now I am very proud of some of my achievements back then, I am proud of my music and of my sporting achievements ~ maybe not an Olympic gold medal but I certainly fulfilled my potential as a rugby player ~ of course most of all I am proud to be the father of a wonderful talented young woman. Yet often some of these almost feel as though they happened to somebody else, maybe that's age as much as transition. Often it is difficult or impossible to remember what it was like before, how I felt, how I acted, or indeed even how I dressed. 

I do remember that I always had a very poor self image, I was a fat child and have always thought of myself as fat, I have also always thought of myself as unattractive ~ how much of that is associated with my dysphoria I can't say ~ yet looking back on old photos I can see that I was neither.

On the other hand I know that now I am fat! I am also feeling extremely unfit and would have been going to the gym if it wasn't for this injury to my wrist. I have now finally seen a physiotherapist, and yes it is an RSI from playing the tuba! I have strained some tendons and have been given a regime to follow, hopefully I will be able to get back to playing the tuba soon, fortunately my next performance was always scheduled to be on trombone but I know that all the time I'm not playing or practising is going to be very difficult to make up for before the next flurry of performances.