Paula's Place

Paula's Place

Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Pink Mist

First let me say that I had a very nice weekend, it is not often that my daughter and I have much in the way of time together, so it was really good just to be with her.   We also managed to have a bit of a much needed chat about the breakup with boyfriend, I think the ball is now in his court, so I hope he does well.   Of course during the car journey both ways she was wired for sound into her phone, and much of the weekend was spent the same way, but she did have time with both her grand mother and her father.   So all in all a good time and a good thing.   Since my daughter was with me I did have to curtain my usual dressing activities this weekend.   I will usually travel pretty, and will often wear predominately fem clothes while in Cardiff, this time I could not, and I didn't miss it.

We often talk about the "Pink Mist" when we have the opportunity to dress, and embrace that opportunity a little too enthusiastically.   I think I may have just been through period when the Pink Mist descended on me, far too much of my time was spent dressing, thinking about or planing dressing.   Yet this is just a small part of what I do and who I am.  over the weekend I was reminded that I could be quite happy without any dressing activities.   I think the pink mist is rising.   I know that this is something I am rather than something I do, I also know that like a tide the imperative comes and goes in intensity.   I was beginning to think that the level of intensity I have been experiencing was going to be permanent, but now I feel that this drive is lessening a bit, maybe just for a while.

Don't get me wrong, I will still be attending my support group on Saturday week, and may well have an evening or day out next week, it's just that there are other things in my life as well, I still doubt if I will be able to resist a cute pair of shoes and I will do my best to keep my finger nails nice (and oh yes my toes nails are red) but I hope that for a while now it will not be the all absorbing obsession it has been at risk of becoming.

Monday, 30 July 2012

The Weight is nearly over

I won't be watching much of the Olympics, don't get e wrong I love watching sports, it's just that the sports I love watching are not in the Olympics, I watch as much motorsport as I can and record the Grand Prix and other big races if I can't watch them live; Cricket, I have learnt to tolerate highlights in order to see some test cricket, and then there is Rugby, but none of these are in the Olympics. 

Of course there is something very enthralling about competition, especially if you are partial to one of the competitors, it's just that I am not sure that happening to come from the same country is sufficient reason to be partial.   I don't see that I have any right to any reflected glory if the UK eight win the rowing, I have done nothing to help them, if a runner wins their race they do not win for Britain they for themselves, I may enjoy watching them win I may enjoy watching others simply competing, but the point surely of the Olympics is about the individual competitor, not the national team.   I used to love the Olympic ideal of individual against individual, competing being more important than winning and amiable amateurism, all this seems to have gone by the board.   There is a good reason why there is no official overall national prize or indeed any national prize per individual sport it is because it is meant to be about individuals meeting on an equal basis.   As it happens the broadcasters and other observers feel the need to bang the national drum and so we get medal tables, team targets, and all the attendant jingoism.

Zoe Smith, Olympic hope weightlifter
Sorry to bang on about the Olympics so much but as I live and work in London, not only am I paying for it, I am also having my live disrupted by it and have to plan my journeys around it.   As it happened my journey to and from Cardiff this weekend was actually a lot easier than normal as people made a point of avoiding West London and North Surrey to avoid the route of the cycling road races.

I will watch some events simply because they are on, others I will watch because I have played that sport a bit.   I would love to watch Olympic Tug-O War but there hasn't been a medal awarded for that since 1920.  I used to do some competitive weights (mostly power lifting rather than straight lifts) and will now being watching it just to cheer on this girl as she competes today.

Sunday, 29 July 2012

Olympic Fever

Well I expect that Olympic fever has grips everyone all around the world by now.   I am writing this on Friday night while the opening ceremony is not on my television.   I watched non of the last two Olympics and I'm struggling to get interested in this one, even though it is on my door step.   As I type I don't yet know how much my journey to and from Cardiff  will have been effected by the cycle races.

Maybe I will get excited as it goes on, maybe not but at least now I know where the weather is coming from
I think I saw him in Thornton Heath...

Saturday, 28 July 2012

The weekend starts here

I will be in Cardiff this weekend, visiting my Mother with my Daughter, this will be a weekend all about family, the idea is that my Mother and Daughter will get to know each other a bit better, and then on the Sunday we will all be having lunch with my Brother and Sister in Law.   This should all be very good, especially for my daughter, at the moment being securely seating in a family can only help.   Of course this also means that there will be no place or time for Paula.

Indeed at the moment I have no outings planned other than  my support group meeting in a few weeks.   We meet on the second Saturday of each month so that means three weeks time.   The way thing shave bee going recently I am aware that there are more important things in m life, but I am also aware that I do need Paula time, and will have to contrive an opportunity.   In the mean time here are some pretty pictures of the sort of thing I spend my days doing.

Thursday, 26 July 2012

A little background before the rant

I mentioned the ther day that I was getting worried about my daughter, following teh break up with her boyfriend.   As I generaly like Paula's Place to be a friendl light hearted sort drop in I may have understated just how worried we are.   I only met my wife when we were no longer young (although that age looks pretty young to us now) and we were both in our 30's when we got married, we knew we wanted children and teh sooner the better.   It soon became clear that things were not taking thier natural course when after five years of marriage we still had no children, many consultations with Doctors, and various rather unpleasant proceedures later we were told that our only remaining option was IVF.

After talking this over we decided that that was a little too much of an intervention, and that we woudl just have to reconcile ourselves to our situation.   Soon after this my wife gave up work, she was very unhappy but had been staying on for the maternity leave, in those days I was earning enough to keep us so we could afford for her to quit.   After a month or so she got a job doing maternity relieve for a practise manager for a GP friend of mine, within a week of starting she found she was pregnant with out daughter.   We had abandoned hope of being parents, so we felt, and continue to feel blessed to have our daughter.

My wife is an only child and neither of my brothers have any children so our daughter is an only grand child as well as an only child, so she is very precious to all of us.   The Church is very much her family so this breakup is doubly painful.  

I am writing all of this now partly so that you can understand that when I say I am a little worried about her you know what that really means, and partly so you will understand the rant that is about to be launched.

My wife and I are not the only ones worried, all of their friends (of all ages) are concerned, I have just heard from of of them the reasons why the boyfriend felt he had to break it off.   Apparently a Church member had been talking to him and was highly critical suggesting that unless they intended marriage then they shouldn't be dating.   That they were too young, and that as the older f the two he had a responsibility to be "sensible".   I think there was more in this vein and the poor boy felt terribly condemned.   Solely because of this interference he decided that they should "calm it down a bit", I don't know what words he used but that is not what my daughter heard.   I understand that he is as upset as she is, and that he has tried to contact her to explain but she has not allowed him to.

Fortunately they have friends who are trying to help, equally fortunately  they are refusing to tell me who the "Church member" is, otherwise I fear I woudl break the 6th commandment.   I am sure you will understand that I am incensed that somebody without understanding or insight feels they have the right to comment, never mind to condemn innocent children who are just finding out about love and relationships as they set out on the voyage of discovery that is life.   Knowing both my daughter and the boy well, I have never had a moments worry about the two of them together, they are both stable sensible youngsters with a firm moral grounding and understanding of Christian values and principles, or to put it another way, they are probably less likely to "get into trouble" than me!   I can only assume that this person was judging by their own standards and that they have n confidence in their own ability to control their basest instincts.

It is a fundamental teaching that says, judge not less you be judged, well even with the little information I have I have judged them, and found them wanting.

Having an outlet for this sort of thing is another reason to Blog!

The Big Beasts

Yesterday was another hot day, I had a lot of non work stuff to do so I mostly got on with that, by mid afternoon I was too hot, very dirty and feeling very, very weary, muscles and joints ached and I was covered with sweat and grime sticking to the sweat.  This was every bit as unpleasant as it sounds.   At around five O'clock I stopped, showered, shaved, refreshed my toe nails and got changed.   This was because this was my day to visit the osteopath.   For my visit today I wore some nice white panties with black spots and lace around the legs, a blue strappy camisole with white linen trousers and a white linen tunic shirt with white canvas shoes.   Everything I wore today was fem, but without those certain extras that mean a full fem presentation.   I did try to take some pictures on my phone but they didn't really work, and there was no one around who would have been suitable to ask for help.

Some old friends
I'm not entirely sure why I dress up for these visits, especially since I end up undressing as soon as I get there. What I do know is that he is as good as gold with it never even mentioning my idiosyncratic clothing choices.   I was very much in need of his ministrations having been working hard for the last four weeks since I saw him last.   Afterwards I felt so much better that I took a quick stroll around my local park to look up some old friends.
My Local Park

One of the great things about my local park is of course the wild life, I'm sure that there are lots of parks in London with some interesting fauna, but non that quite match these guys.

Although I now feel great having had all my joints and muscles suitably stretched and pummeled I am very worried about my daughter, she is still upset after breaking up with her first boyfriend, and now she is eating very little, and my wife is worried that she may be self harming.   I don't seem to be able to talk to her about it, as she will just shun any attempts I make.   We will be together all weekend so maybe I will be able to make some progress then.   At least her special friend is now home from a trip to France hopefully she will cheer her up a bit and bring her back to a more stable place.

Wednesday, 25 July 2012

His shirts

Some quite nice shirts, could do with an iron though
I feel as though I am being inspired by other bloggers today, Joey recounted how he had entertained members of his Church to a pool and garden party at the weekend, we don't quite run to a pool but last night we entertained our Church home-group to a barbecue, we didn't have any disco queens there though.  A couple of Donny Osmond fans and a large hairy tenor, but no Disco Divas. 
In turn this meant that like Stana and Jamie I had to have a good look at my boy wardrobe.   The nature of the event and the weather meant that my usual jeans and polo shirt were not really "quite the thing".   I soon found  a couple of rather nice summer shirts and some nice roomy faun linen trousers.   I have to remember that my boy clothes can be quite nice and just as comfortable as Paula's, it's just that somehow Paula's are more fun.

On a different tack I know that there is at least one of you who likes to keep up with what I write but finds they can't comment or join the regulars at the bar, I think that maybe a Google account is needed, but I'm no too sure.   I have added a "follow by e-mail" tag on the right hand side, I hope this helps with keeping up to date, if any of you know the answer to the comments question please let us know.

Feeling Hot hot, hot

Today has been hot far too hot for it to be sensible to go and work in gardens, b then I a not known for being sensible.   By mid morning I was uncomfortably hot and S was little more than a grease stain. Bless her cotton socks S is simply not a hot weather person.   Being pale of complexion she burns easily and generally finds warm weather uncomfortable.   Still we soldered on and actually managed a good full days work.

We managed to get to one customer who we  haven't seen for about six weeks, there was certainly plenty of work waiting for us, so much that I have agreed to go back again later this week, and again next week.   I had hoped to take a day off and have a Paula day, but I'm afraid that again the weather is a factor.   Every thing I do I want to do as well I can, and that of course also applies to my being Paula.

When I am out my makeup is very important to me, I really don' t know if it does cover my beard well enough, but I certainly am not ready to go without it, and as it is far to hot for makeup, I think that means I may well be staying in boy mode this week after all.

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Torch Song

This morning my band played as the Olympic torch went by, well more accurately we played before and after the torch went by.   The procession is not that impressive, but it is very noisy, I think there were three vehicles from major sponsors all balling out their wares, bizarrely enough followed by a breakdown truck with a dead car on the back then quite a lull before a couple of lone runners, then some cyclists, and another lull before the flame itself arrived.

We were next to a "Kissing" point, nothing romantic this is where the flame gets passed from one custodian to the next.   This did at least mean that the "circus" stayed in town for a little longer.   I have heard of other locations where spectators complained that you "could blink and miss it"   In all we played for over an hour and included in the programme the John Williams Fanfare and Theme from the LA games.   This is a really tricky piece to play and the band hadn't even seen it till last Monday so I was very pleased at how well we managed it.

After that I decided to have the afternoon off, so making the most of the sunshine I slipped into my new pink linen dress and went to the garden centre to buy some plants I need later in the week.   We have had so much poor weather that it was very nice to get out a summer dress and enjoy the warm air on my legs and shoulders, it was also nice to have a bit of leasure time as Paula.

Monday, 23 July 2012

Tip top performance

I've just been watching the highlights of the German Grand Prix, looked like a good race, with a few overtakes, being a little biased I am really pleased to see Jenson Button back on the podium, pulling some good moves, and looking competitive again.   Although I can see that the way he got promoted to second could be a little controversial I think he was good value for it, do ore racing than most of the other drivers.   I just hope that McLaren haven't let it too late.   The latest up grades they have brought must add to the drivers confidence, and although Hamilton had a bad day at the office he must be feeling better for the next race in Hungary

Of course nothing gives a driver confidence the way success does, for the rest of us we have to look to other factors.

For some of us we need a lot of self confidence to just go out of the house, clearly as this suggests it's not just about how we look, but also how we feel, and what we are wearing beneath can add to that confidence.   We haven't seen Tip for a while, and when I saw this as I was browsing through and old Skinhorse story I thought this was a good match.   Mind you it's never worked for me............

Saturday, 21 July 2012

A Rose by any other name

Even though it is the weekend much of my time is still taken up with work in one way or another.   After collecting some friends from Gatwick at stupid O'clock this morning I slept in late this morning, getting up in time to do the washing up and tidy up the house a bit.   I had a meeting with one of my recycling customers during the afternoon, but wonders of wonders I managed to spend a little time in my own garden this afternoon.    A few months back my wife decided that a Cistus I had, had grown too large so she cut it back hard, unfortunately she didn't ask me first as I could have told her that Cistus do not take kindly to pruning, and are much happier left alone.   This one was not only unhappy, it died.

I have had a hi-bred tea rose for a while in a pot looking for a home, so I replaced the Cistus with the rose, but I am worried that it as is a "Whiskey Mac" a rich peach coloured rose,t between  Phlox Bright Eyes and a mauve Hibiscus I am not sure that the colour combinations will work.   I have put it in and we will see.   A wise woman once said to me that she did not believe that God made two colours that don't go together ~ I am trusting that she is right.

Next week I have a couple of days when I have not scheduled work, I have a deal of writing and phone calls to complete for my recycling customer, if I can manage them all on Wednesday then maybe I will allow myself Thursday off to go and play.

Questions, questions....

Joey asked a couple of questions,

1. Why did you decide to start a blog?
Well I started to Blog quite a while back, I suspect that my original attempt was a bit of self publicity.   I vaguely thought that it might be a way I could get myself and my work a bit better known, at the time I still harboured delusions of competence as a professional musician as well as the gardening business just beginning.   Interestingly that Blog never really took off, it is still going but I only post maybe once a week, and just about no body reads it.   Paula's Place is different, I started this blog because I needed to talk about this aspect of my life.   At the time I had nobody I could talk to directly about this bazaar drive to wear women's clothes, I had started reading the excellent Stana and Meg Blogs, and decided that this was a good way of exploring who, and what Paula is.   Initially I think this was all I was interested in but once I had started to write, and found that there are people who read what I write, I think I also found a form of validation for this side of me.   I suppose that this is in some linked with desire we all have to be loved, or at the very least to be found interesting.
It is very much through writing the blog that I have come to terms with the idea that cross dressing is something I am rather than something I do, that it will not go away, and that therefore I should accept myself, and try to be the best I can.   In the time I have been writing Paula's Place I have come to realise that if as I believe Paula is a complete rounded three dimensional person then I should be writing about all aspects of life not just dressing up.   So now I find I am as likely to be writing about a concert I played in or a garden I have been working in as I am about the dress I want to be able to wear when I next go out.

So although my intention was simply to explore one aspect of my life, I have ended up not just charting progress in that area, but providing  a commentary on my life and observations in general.

2. What do you find is the hardest aspect of blogging?
I am very tempted to just say take a look at yesterday's post!
Sometimes, well quite often actually, I get home from work and I am either dog tired, or I have to dash out to a meeting or a rehearsal.   It is very easy to just not bother with an entry, but I have found that Paula's Place isn't just for Paula, she is part of a whole community, of regular readers, some who lie to comment some who are "regulars at the Bar" and some who just drop in anonymously.   I feel if I don't have something fresh then I am letting everyone down.   So yes sometimes I just don't feel like writing but make myself.
I don't know how obvious those posts are, I hope not too obvious. I am trying to build up a stock of draft posts on stand by for when I feel really tired, but whenever I get a couple in the bag, they soon get used.   I would have thought that the public baring of my soul would be hard, but then I am sort of anonymous, I would have thought that mentioning things that would make it quite easy to identify me would have been hard, but then why would anyone reading this blog want to be malicious towards me?   I would have thought that keep finding things to write about would be hard, but there always seems to be something worthy of comment, so for me the hardest thing is the commitment and energy levels.
I will be really interested to see what Joey himself has to say in answer to his own questions.

Friday, 20 July 2012

Too Tired

Sometimes it all just gets a bit too much, and this is one of those times.   I have had a very physical hard at work, came home to an empty house (apart form the washing up) and just need to recover.   I am only too aware of all the things that I should be doing that I haven't done, the letters that need to be written, the accounts that need to be made up, and designs to be progressed. But I'm just too tired.

I m looking forward to our holiday in October enormously, but that is still quite a while off, and I need a break now.   I think I may take a day off next week, but in the mean time I'm off to bed for an early night ~ it must be age catching up with me.......

Thursday, 19 July 2012

Old Bras

I just half heard a news item on the radio about the finding of some medieval bras, remarkable since it was previously thought that bras were a 19th Century invention.    Although all of the academic fashion world seems surprised, when you think about it it makes sense.   Read more about the story here 

When I first heard this I thought to myself, well I think my wife has some in her chest of draws that old, looking at the picture I think she has some in similar condition as well.   For some strange reason she will wait until her bras are absolutely falling to pieces, and have turned grey (what ever colour they started out as) before she will even contemplate replacement.   When she does replace a worn out bra the new one is usually exactly the same as the old one, and always from the "functional" end of the range.   On the other hand I have to resist the temptation to buy more and more bras, I already have more than she does, but then mine are from the more frivolous end of the spectrum.   Maybe this is the difference between lingerie and underwear.

A night on the beer

It’s Wednesday night, and I’ve just got home from the pub, my usual Wednesday evening consists of a band rehearsal, followed by a quick half hour or so in the pub before going home.   But this is the first week of the summer holidays so there was no band rehearsal.   My friend S and I decided that we would forego the rehearsal, as there wasn’t one anyway, and go straight to the pub, do not pass go do not collect £200.

Now, I have to say that we had a very pleasant evening, a few pints of live beer (an enthusiasm of we share) and some good conversation in congenial company.   A couple of times the subject of my trans nature did come up, but never in a way that required much further explanation.   We did discuss how my cross dressing allowed me an insight into what it is like being a lone female, especially one with an interest in beer.   It seems that S is quite happy to know about Paula and to listen to my insights into the female world, but is not yet ready to instigate an introduction.

Of course this means that I have a good friend with whom I can discuss just about anything, but maybe only one other lady (P) with whom I can lunch.

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

A teenager in love

Prepared late Sunday night, so if this is out of date by the time it is posted sorry.....

Giving up on finding somewhere to eat I just popped into Waitrose and picked up a coffee and a pork pie and ate them in the van.   After that I went straight to the pub where my support group is now meeting.   Just as I got out the van and was checking my presentation in the door mirror I got a phone call from home.   My daughter had broken up with her boyfriend could I get home ASAP.
When these things happen you realise that yes Family does come first.   Just as the call finished some of the other girls drove up so I passed my apologies to them and headed for home.   Not knowing who would be there or what emotional state they would be in I changed on the way, only just remembering to remove my nail polish in time.   As it happened my daughter had decided that the best way for her to deal with this was to go and have a sleep over with a girl friend, and had left by the time I got home.   However my wife was very emotional as well, and glad of my presence and whatever comfort I could provide.

While I was offered the option of staying and going to my meeting I am glad that I opted for home, and although it was not mentioned I am sure that my wife was glad that I decided to as well.

Teenagers are resilient (just as well really) and although it may seem like the end of the world at the moment I am sure she will get over this.   The only trouble is they are in the same worship band, the same youth group and go to the same school, I just hope that they can get through this next week without too much emotional turmoil.

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Text Chat

As I know whatever happens at the beginning of the week I will be very busy I have prepared a few posts in advance, this was written Sunday evening, depending on the fall out I may have more to report on this later..........
Croydon Town centre on a Saturday Night
After leaving my friend P I had a very swift and uneventful journey back to Croydon, I had planed to pick up something to eat before going straight to my support group meeting. We meet in a pub which does do food, but I thought I would prefer to have something before I started drinking, after all I don't want to get drunk on an empty head.

Coming back into Croydon I realised I had around an hour to kill before the meeting, and it was that time when the coffee shops were closing, restaurants weren't really up and running, and believe me Saturday night in Croydon is not a good place for a gurl on her own to go into a pub. Seeking help and expertise I sent a text to my friend S

Me "Advice needed: in Croydon abut an hour before my meeting, all dressed up and nowhere to go, where is a girl to stop for a sandwich?"
S "Let me think a mo. Would have met you but *&^% calling for me in 10mins then heading for the George"
Great this means she is happy to meet Paula
S "Can't think of much....... Or I suppose a pub, but don't order a pint as that is still unusual"
Better still she is thinking about my presentation, and oh yes S drinks pints
Me " Thanks for the tip, I always knew you were unusual!"
S "Funny I will be having a pint or 2"
Me "So will I but I'll be having them in halves"
S "Good plan. Hope the new purchase fits, have fun"

I am enormously encouraged by this exchange, I have spoken about my dressing with S and she has always seemed to be accepting but has not pursued the matter, now I feel as though it will be OK to introduce her to Paula personally. We have sort of agreed that if it is raining enough to stop me working Monday, we might meet for lunch while she and another friend are out in Epsom hitting the charity shops, I am sure our other friend will be accepting as I know she has another friend who cross dresses.

Monday, 16 July 2012

Crumpets for Tea

Well as so often seems to be the case with me the weekend did not work out as planned.   Saturday morning got off to a later start than I had hoped.   I should know by now that a teenagers idea of morning starts at 1:00 O'clock in the afternoon, so after I got back from a run to dispose of my week's trade waste I was still in a battle for the bathroom.   Because of my constant battle with body hair I spend a fair bit of time in the bath room before getting ready to go out.   On the other hand my daughter spends frighteningly little time in the bathroom, but ages getting dressed and putting on her makeup.   Just as I was losing patience and had started to get all my foundation garments on, there was a small knock on the bedroom door..."Daaaaad, it's raining, can you give me a lift?" So throw on jeans and a tee shirt and run her to her meeting.

The promised photo, complete with new glasses
This did give me the chance to finish getting dressed properly, before driving down to see my friend P, you will have worked out by this time that I had opted for Paula going rather than him.   My rational was simply that I don't get that many chances, and here I was with a Saturday when Paula could go out and play all day.   I knew P's husband would be around so not wanting to embarrass anyone unduly I dressed fairly conservatively in jeans and blouse with my Cuban heeled boots and denim jacket, in fact exactly the same outer-garments I would have worn if He had gone instead, the difference being the "foundations", the jewelry and the makeup, sometimes the differences can be very small, but oh so important.   It is a look I rather like, I think I look reasonably good, and don't attract too much attention, or frighten the horses.

We had a very nice afternoon,chatting away for a couple of hours, and just enjoying each others company.   We have been friends for years and time just seems to fly past when we get together.   As I say a very pleasant afternoon (considering the weather) including tea with crumpets and home made jam, and I collected my parcel, which was not all I had hoped, but better than I feared.    As I was going to a support group meeting more or less straight from P's I got changed into something a little less comfortable before leaving.

Sunday, 15 July 2012

Regulars, Changes and Friends

Regulars at the Bar
I have just been having a bit of a fiddle around with the layout here at Paula's Place, like all the places I like every ow and then a few little alterations are needed.   I decided that I don't like the  blogger term followers, partly because that can have a whole different connotation in some T circles, but mostly because it is a two way process, and you all contribute in some way.    I dallied with the idea of calling you friends, or members, but then thinking that this is like a bar where I welcome my friends to join me I am calling you regulars at the bar.   I have worked behind a few bars, and indeed married  a colleague from the last one, and I always enjoyed welcoming all the customers, but the regulars always have a special place in my heart.   I used to try to remember what the regular would drink and if possible have it ready poured by the time they got to the bar.   Just like the Bloggersphere regulars would get nicknames describing something about their personality or behaviour, like "Ten to Eleven John" or "Boring Bob", so all  regulars are welcome, as friends with a special place in my affections.

I have also had a wee bit of a change round I now have a list of "Friends I like to Visit" these are the blogs that I look at regularly and am a member / friend / follower of.   There is a new one on the list Karin's Bow Emporium, get over there have a read, you are bound to leave with a smile, that and a tendency to star counting bows, Karin current bow count three, not telling where they are!

Just highly evolved

Thank you Thorax

Saturday, 14 July 2012

Look who's comming to lunch

Today I will be having quite a full day, I shall shortly be going down to see my friend P, since it is the weekend and there may be others around I thought I had better check with her first, so we exchanged some text messages

Me  "Assuming it's not raining on Friday can I come down on Saturday to collect my parcel?If it's Saturday shall I come myself or shall I send (my male name) to pick it up for me?"

P   "Yes either is fine, just give me a ring. As for who's coming...Surprise me!"

So now I am still not sure which one of us is going to turn up, obviously Paula wants to go, but I am wondering is P would rather He went but doesn't want to upset me......sometimes life is too complicated for me.

Either way it is my support group meeting tonight, and I may well use the opportunity to test my latest purchase, I hope that it will be comfortable and help my shape, of course I may well be disappointed on both counts.

Friday, 13 July 2012

High Heels and the Little Black dress

My friend S was working with me today (Friday) so inevitably we talked about Wednesday night's concert.  

We also talked about what we and others were wearing.   The reason she didn't like her new shoes as much as she hoped was the lack of uppers as much as the presence of a heel.   They are very like ballet pumps, but with a wedge heel, apparently the very low cut made the combination a little uncomfortable after a couple of hours.   S definitely does not like to wear stiletto heels, I don't like platforms but did suggest that there are other high heel alternatives, I have a couple of pairs of quite high heels where the heel is the full width of the shoe, yet only has the profile of a stiletto, I like these very much they are very elegant and they are comfortable and easy to walk in.   However we did reckon that most of the girls were wearing nice heels, there were also quite a few examples of the LBD on display.

S had suggested that maybe I should wear one (an LBD) in a text message earlier that day, not being sure that she had made it clear who the suggestion was for, she pointed out that she had meant the suggestion of the LBD for me not for her,   My repost was that I was more likely to wear a dress than she is ~ S had to agree that this is true!   It was nice to chat about these things, and to freely admit to Paula, what would be nicer still is for S to meet her.   I hope that one day over the summer that will be possible, but I think I will have to initiate it.

Seeking Support

As I mentioned earlier it will be the monthly meeting of my support group this Saturday, as always I am looking forward to caching up with the other girls and seeing how things are going with them.   At our last meeting we had a couple of new members who live in quite difficult circumstances, it will be interesting t see if the help that was offered has helped.   As my wife will be out for the whole I may be able to make this a full Paula day.

I want to get to see my friend P and pick up a parcel she is holding for me, (a different kind of support) I'm just not sure that it will be convenient for her to see Paula over a weekend or whether it would be better for him to go.   I had thought I would go down t see her one day while it was raining and I couldn't work, but so far I have been able to work every day this week. (Yay it makes a change!)   Anyway I think I will give her a ring and find out.   Then I have the twin issues of what to do with the rest of the day, and the eternal question what shall I wear.

I have prepared myself for the warm weather with several summer dresses, but we just haven't been having the weather to wear them.    So maybe it will just be jeans and a top again......

Thursday, 12 July 2012


Did I mention that I was playing a concert last night?   Although I did have one or two problems relating to concentration I think it went pretty well.  It was very nice of the conductor to come up and congratulate me afterwards, altough I may have had the biggest toy I was a very small part of a quite a big band, all of us working for a good performance.

We played a very entertaining  programme, but one that was technically very difficult as well, this meant that the band and the audience were all on the edge of their seats with excitement for much of the time.   Most of the second half was taken up with an arrangement of Carl Orff's Carmina Burana all 16 movements of it, in many ways this was one of the hardest peaces we have yet performed, a few years ago we looked at it and decided that we were only capable of playing a couple of the movements, now we have performed the whole thing to a high standard at the main Fairfield Concert hall.
The biggest toy

This was not an occasion for any obvious cross dressing, as we were all very much in the public eye, myself especially since I was on the end of the back row nearest the audience.   A bit of a shame really as this is also an occasion when the ladies in the band like to dress up in their glam rags, well most of them anyway.   Many variations on the theme of the Little Black Dress were in evidence along with some quite cute shoes.   I did try to concentrate on playing the music rather than any unfairness that kept me in trousers and plane oxfords.   Of course there are always one or two who just won't play the glam game, my friend S in one of them, just wearing plain black trousers and a shirt blouse, she did go as far as to buy some "Girly" shoes specially for the occasion, ballet style pumps with a very slight wedge heel, quite nice but not exactly dramatic.  I couldn't help noticing that they came straight off when we had finished playing to be replaced by the ubiquitous trainers.

That is quite an old photo if me, dating back a couple of years to my more hirsute days, the beard is now just a memory, but I thin I may grow my hair a bit longer again.......

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Cut and Run

There are some really good things about my work, for one I can normally see what I have done, and most gardens look better when I leave than when I arrive, and that makes people happy.   I started with a new customer today, pretty much all I did was cut her grass.   However this made a big difference to the overall look of the garden and she was very happy to star getting her garden back.
Before I got started
It doesn't sound too much but the whole thing had to be strimmed before I could even think about getting a mower on to it.   As we had ore rain earlier in the morning the whole thing was pretty wet, in places sodden.   As I started cutting with the strimmer a fine spray of water came off the grass, making a mist all around me.   I was working with the strimmer for about two hours, and that was interspersed with raking up the cut grass.   Only after I had strimmed the lawn, and raked up all the cuttings could I get my mower on. even then with the blade at it's highest setting it still clogged up, however after going over it twice I think it looks quite respectable.
The Supervisor
For a large part of the morning I was supervised by a large black cat, not sure he was impressed by the noise and the destruction of cover, still he stayed around to make sure I did the job properly.
There is a lot more work to do in this garden, but it is more a process than a makeover, I will be there for a few hours every couple of weeks from now on.   After this start I should have it looking reasonable after a few visits, and next year it will be a real garden again.


That's about it on the work front today, but tomorrow I will be playing a big concert with my wind band.    Assuming that I manage to get any work done during the day I shall be making a quick change into my concert kit before getting over to the concert hall for a final run through before the performance.   So doesn't look like there will be much in the way of T activity to report for a while, but then there is more to my life than just my T activities.  not least on Thursday evening we have a meeting with my daughters teachers, all about A levels, she's only just half way through GCSEs and we have to start thinking about A levels and sixth form already. Like it says on the right I am many things, Gardener, Husband, Father, Musician.......

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

Solid Foundations

My latest purchase
Well the spray on elastoplast didn't work out too well, it certainly helped position the pads and held them for a while, but not very securely, I shall just have to work with what I have available.   I will admit that at least part of my experimentation is inspired by my latest purchase.   I bought this on e-bay, and have yet to try it on as it has been delivered to my friend P's house.   But I am aware that it should be worn with stockings and so there will be little security for my hip and thigh pads, and I am not at all sure how much security it will offer for my breast forms.

I try to tell myself that I bought this to help present a more womanly profile, but lets be honest I bought it because it looks like fun!   I love a bit of flummery and here we have lace, bows, ribbon, everything that is not needed but adds to the joy of getting dressed.   Given that I don't actually need foundation garments of any type, if I choose to wear them then there is no reason why they should be from the "practical" end of the spectrum.   Even if it ends up being just another bit of cheap tat from e-bay I shall still have had my money's worth with the joy of anticipation.   I spoke with P today on the phone so I know it has arrived, but rather than make a date to go down and see her, we have left it up to the weather.   When there is a day of rain and I can't work I shall take a little trip involving lunch and the collection of my parcel.   For once I am actually hoping for rain.

This Saturday my support group meets and if at all practical it would be nice to wear my new foundations.   I don't yet know what else I shall be wearing, again to a great extent that depends on the weather, and the venue.   We are now meeting in a local pub, the staff and other customers have so far been quite friendly and welcoming, so I wouldn't want to be the one going so far OTT as to put them off, so the cocktail dresses will be staying in their case for a while, it's just that I find I don't have much between relatively boring jeans, too formal suits and dresses and the posh frocks.   I need to be creative with what I have rather than go out and spend more money.   If everything works out well, I will be able to ask P for some advice before I go out on Saturday.   Evil thought just crossed my mind, would this be too much for my next osteopaths appointment?

Monday, 9 July 2012

Boobs bums and sticking plasters

I do not have a particularly womanly figure, I have the typical wide shoulders narrow hips of most men, fortunately I don't have the typical beer belly of many my age.   To cut a more appropriate figure I rely on external help, that is help that I put on externally, in the form of silicone breast forms and hip and bum pads.   So far I have either relied on my clothing holding these in place, or have used double sided tape bought from the manufacturer of my forms.   This is either going to being a little insecure or rather expensive as the tape is quite costly.   A couple of time I have had a hip pad go astray, slipping down inside my tights, not a great look!

I know many of you will be thinking why not use the special pants with pockets for pads? well for me a lot of the point is t wear pretty things, and they just aren't!   I have been trying to come up with a economical solution to keeping my padding in place, and allowing me to wear the undergarments I lust after choose.   Well I am hoping that I ma have found that solution.

While shopping yesterday I noticed a product I hadn't seen before Elastoplast Spray Plaster.  A little of this sprayed on the back of the pads, left for a moment to get tacky and then positioned seems to hold them in place.   I am currently having a test run, (without tights, just jeans and some panties that do not cover the hip pads and only part of the butt pads) and so far everything seems be in order.   If this works out then I shall try the same thing next time I am out and using my breast forms, if not then I haven't wasted much.   I hope that I shall have something positive to report on this front soon.

I don't know what opportunities I shall have to dress over the next week, but next Saturday my wife will be out all day, and in the evening I have my support group meeting.   I don't know yet what my daughters plans are, but there may even be the possibility of a whole day for Paula.

Sunday, 8 July 2012

As promised

 I have to agree with both of them

More on Christianity and Cross Dressing

For those of you not of faith or who are not interested in religious issues, I'm sorry if this post bores you, I will try to have another funny for you tomorrow, or later today.

Over on an On-Line Forum I belong to there has been a discussion about the conflicts we have as cross-dressers, for many of us the worse part is the disharmony it causes in our personal relationships.   However for a very large number the thought that it goes against our religion is also a big source of conflict.   This is what one member wrote, for background he (he identifies as a man who sometimes dresses as a woman) is a non religious Jew.

OK. So here is the biblical reference:

“The woman shall not wear that which pertained unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman’s garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God.”
Deuteronomy 22:5

But here is the beginning of the entry on Dress from “The Jewish Religion, A Companion” by Louis Jacobs (i.e a standard reference source):

“There are three biblical laws regarding dress: the fringes are to attached to the corners of the garments…that a garment containing a mixture of wool and flax is not to be worn; and that a man must not wear woman’s apparel or a woman a man’s (Deuteronomy 22:5). The reason given for the last prohibition is either that this might lead to men and women gaining entrance in disguise into companies of the opposite sex for immoral purposes, or else because of the need to distinguish clearly between male and female in God’s creation. In sixteenth-century Italy, because of the influence of the Italian carnival, men used to dress up as women on Purim and women as men, and the Rabbis permitted this on the grounds that, since this done, for men and women to wear the other’s clothes on Purim is not to wear the garments of the opposite sex. (see CUSTOM).”

In order to understand what Jacobs is saying in the last sentence, one has to read the entry on Customs:

“…Originally, the term minhag, ‘custom’ (from a root meaning ‘to follow’, i.e. that which people follow) referred to a practice about which the law was unclear, perhaps where certain details were the subject of debate by the legal authorities. When it was observed that the people followed a particular interpretation or ruling, the practise acquired full legal status. As the Talmud (Berakhot) puts it ‘Go out and see and see what people actually do.”

That is Jewish law is malleable, depending on what people do. This is how come CDing during Purim was allowed - because people were doing it and, as Jacobs, puts it the Rabbis were operating on the basis “if you can’t beat them, join them.” The idea of Jewish law as malleable may well be in the back of the mind of the out orthodox TS in the article **** links.

The other thing is that if you believe that you have some element of woman in you - and that’s the reason you’re Cding (as an MTF cross dresser) - then you could actually argue that the biblical problem disappears. After all when you’re dressing up you’re just wearing the appropriate clothes for that bit of your gender that you’re expressing at that moment. Indeed you could say the abomination would be to be made to wear men’s clothes the whole time, when you have this woman part of you that needs expressing.

For some time it has been of an academic theological interest to me which of the Biblical laws we choose to ignore and which we choose to adhere to as Christians, it is easy to say well those were for the Jews not for Christians (food laws, circumcision etc.) but others seem to have simply fallen into disuse by both Jews and Christians alike.   So I ask myself why is this one verse so important, it is not reinforced anywhere else in either what we Christians call the New or Old Testaments, yet a society which spurns much of the rest of Biblical teaching clings to this bit.

Personally I have given up wrestling with this as it applies to me, I know I am made by God in his and her image, I know I am loved, and I know I cared for and about, surely that has to be enough.

Saturday, 7 July 2012

If it keeps them together

As you will have gathered marriage is something very important to me.   Of course my own marriage s very important, but also the institution of marriage as the cornerstone of society, aid readers will know that I worry about the state of marriage, the rate of divorce and how we can strengthen this institution,   Well this is one thought

Friday, 6 July 2012

Something to look forward to

The weather is beginning to get to me, we seem to have so much rain that much of the work I plan to do simply cannot be done.   Yet again I got up this morning to the sound of rain, and as I had scheduled a day of grass cutting once again I am stymied.   Often a day not working means a Paula day, but I'm not sure I can be bothered, rather I think I will go out to the garage and see which of my rotten old machines I can get to run and take the rest for scrap.   It seems pretty silly having three motor mowers that don't work, two chain saws that won't run and three hedge trimmers that won't start.

Still I do have something to look forward to today, tonight the three of us are going out as a family, this is quite a rare event these days as there seems to be less and less things that the three of us want to do together, it is even getting harder to get my ladies to come to my concerts.   Tonight we will be going to see Phatfish who occupy the middle ground where our tastes coincide.   Last year I played with Phatfish when they did a guest slot with my orchestra, this helped my credibility with younger members of the Church no harm at all!  

Grand Harbour, Valletta
I have always had the suspicion that weekends should be family time, but it doesn't seem to work out that way with us at the moment, I seem to be working, playing, or in Cardiff, my daughter is often out with her friends, in rebellion next Saturday my wife is going on a trip to Southend with some friends.   Next Saturday is also the next meeting of my support group so it looks like we won't be seeing much of each other that day.   Still we have managed to book a holiday, because of my work I daren't go away in the summer so we are limited to the half term weeks, we have booked a week in Malta in October.   We have been a few times before and enjoy it very much, at that time year the climate is ideal, and the island is not too crowded.   It will be good to be able to relax, and nice to spend some time together just the three of us, definitely something to look forward to.

Thursday, 5 July 2012

Another Admirer

On my way home on Sunday afternoon I got a call saying my wife and daughter would be out when I got home, so I decided that I might as well stay out for a little longer enjoying my Paula time.   I also decided that the suit I was wearing, while suitable for a woman returning from lunch with her Mother was not so good for time in the pub on Sunday evening.   When I had a chance I changed into a very nice longish black cotton dress with white spots, of course everything else was already in place.

When I got to the Crystal Palace I found that the "Grape" was very quite with customers in single figures.   I had a bit of a chat with a couple of them and with the staff but passed the rest of my time reading a book I had with me for just this eventuality.   This has happened more than a few times, and although it is nice just to be out and accepted it would be better if these ad hoc occasions were a little more social.   As a lone woman I am never sure just how pushy I should be in striking up conversations with strangers in a bar, after all I don't want them to think that I'm that type of girl!

After leaving the pub walking back to my van, then some one did try to strike up a conversation, once again I find myself the recipient of a man's phone number.   Although this one was rather more acceptable I bear in mind Meg's good advise, I am married.   I also can't help but notice that of all the men who have hit on me three have been Black, and two Asian, no white men, also only one was nice, non predatory, about it.   Now am I seeing another side of men or do I just attract creeps?

Given that if my presentation is so good that I totally pass (which I doubt) then I am a rather tall, broad shouldered middle aged woman, usually modestly dressed and always wearing a wedding ring, I can't help feeling that these men are not seeking a "normal" relationship.

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

A little shopping trip, with radio acompanyment

I don't know what is happening at radio four these days.   I listen most days at the very least when I first get up in the morning and as I am driving around.  

A couple of items caught my attention, and I thought might be worth sharing with you here , the first was from a partially heard clip from The Archers, one of the characters is trying to get up a ladies cricket team, but falling short of players, so some men are to made "Honorary Ladies" ~ where do I sign up.   On Woman's Hour earlier today during a discussion on "50 shades of grey" one of the contributors said that in the 60s she "burnt her bra to get equality with men" well, I thought, I bought my bra to gain equality with women.

And on that thought I bought yet another one today, since I bought some proper breast forms I have spent far too much time and money on bras, items I had barely considered before.   Now I find that I have far more than I could ever justify, indeed I have many more than my wife, and she needs them!

As some sort of justification I did buy some matching knickers, and I tell myself that I bought the cardigan (I had been after a nice white cardie for a while since it doesn't look as though we are going to have a summer) and the undies were free with my Matalan cardholder discount.  This months special offer was spend £30 and £10 off, so I bough these undies, a couple of belts and a nice soft white cardigan all for £20 ~ not bad.

I think this cardigan will go very well with quite a few of my dresses, particularly my new pink linen, and my white spotted black cotton.

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Can I choose both?

I meant to share this a couple of days ago when it came out, still better late than never...

She is trying to find out if her fiance is gay, but this pretty much sums up the eternal conflict of being a cross dresser

Sundry Sunday

Sunday ended up a very bitty day, when I (eventually) got up it was raining, and as I had planned to spend most of the morning in the garden I was not feeling very inspired.   I still managed to do  few useful things while spending some time with my Mother, the morning dried up as the rain cleared so I was able to get out and do some useful work in the garden before having to come inside to cook lunch.  

While lunch was cooking I had a quick shower and a thorough shave.   I didn't have any clean tights with me that I thought would go with the suit trousers I was going to be wearing, so I wore some grey stockings instead, this of course meant that I was also wearing a suspender belt, (quite wide waste cincher belt with six straps in black with some lace trim ~ as if you are interested) as well as the stockings and panties under my trousers coupled with a new mauve short sleeve blouse I had bought recently.   After lunch I was all set for my return journey when I heard those dreaded words "While you're here could you just...." in this case I was just clean the windows.   By this point I had put all my luggage in the van, and was wearing my M & S grey suit trousers, my new boots a short sleeve mauve blouse, and oh yes stockings.   And I am meant to be in the closet!   My main concern was that as I stretched up to clean the top of the windows the hem of my blouse would lift above the top of my trousers, making it plain that I was wearing a suspender belt, while my Mother was supervising the entire process.   well if anything was noticed nothing was said; I often wonder if Mother knows more than she is letting or is she really that unobservant.   I know at her age sight and many other faculties diminish, but surely she must have noticed something.

I would like to tell my Mother, but she has now got very forgetful and confused, and I can only foresee difficulties if I do.   Along with her hearing any social skills my Mother may once of had has long since diminished, she is bound to either say something wrong to the wrong person, or forget and have to be told all over again.

To travel back to London I just donned the jacket to go with the suit trousers, and of course the rest o my make up, jewelry and wig.

Monday, 2 July 2012

An Admirer

Well I got home safely after a whole weekend away from my computer and no Internet access.   I am always a little surprised at how difficult this is, I have become almost addicted to my on line cartoons and blogs, and of course not least keeping Paula's Place up to date.

Saturday started all too early, as it usually does for these trips.   As my wife was out on Friday night, I had painted my finger nails before going to bed, so they were already nice when I left.   As I didn't want to risk my daughter looking out and seeing a strange woman leaving the house with my luggage I didn't put on any makeup jewelry or my wig before leaving the house.   Sat in my van putting on the war paint, adjusting my boobs and all those other necessary little finishing touches I became aware of being watched.   The watcher came over to me and asked for my number, I declined but did take his, at least in part because I didn't know what else to do.   I am a little worried because I do not particularly want to contact him (not really my type and more to the point I suspect that he is only concerned with an, ah hem physical relationship) but I have seen him around locally and my van is currently quite distinctive, so he may be able to place my male me.   Maybe I should call him let him buy me a drink and expain that I am married and unavailable, or maybe I shoudn't.   Not sure.

Other than that my journey was most uneventful.   I have found that when I dress sensibly for a woman of my age, and appropriately for the activity I am engaging in then I am totally accepted, it is only when I am totally outrageous that I court derision.   So basically I was just wearing jeans, my new boots, black sleeveless blouse and denim jacket.   I did some shopping ~ nothing fun just Tesco's and had little chats with some of the assistants, the butcher called my "love", the fishmonger "madam" and the girl on the till "dear".   While I was with my Mother I took off my bling my boobs and my slap, but other wise I was in female garb all weekend, and no one commented either way.   And there's the point why should they!   I'm not doing anything immoral, illegal or that impacts on the life of anyone else so why shouldn't I dress how I like.