Paula's Place

Paula's Place

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Always something New

Yes there is always something new, some new boundary to cross, some new envelope to rip open, some new experience to enjoy.   Well today (Tuesday) I found another new expression of femininity to explore.   As I have said I have been having a bit of back trouble recently (can't get it off the bed in the morning) and in consequence have had a bit more Paula time.
Well this does mean that I have caught up with Paula's laundry, and today allowed Paula an outing.   Nothing that exciting, shoes needing new heels, watch needing new battery and car needed taxing.   This lot equals a trip into Croydon. Well while I was wandering around killing time waiting for my shoes to be heeled (that's a sign of how much I like those shoes comfortable stylish and not very high heels) I noticed that Debenham's had a threading deal on.

I am aware that my eyebrows are a little shaggy and maybe one of my less feminine features, so I dived in and had them done, in public, in a department store.   and you know what? no one cared!  I thought that today was not one of my better presentations;-
Taken later after removal of my make up
I had been a bit flustered and rushed getting ready so as to make sure that I was out before my wife came home for lunch - Tuesday being her half day - my nail polish hadn't gone on quite right, not wrong, but not quite right either.    I got pretty much dressed, I was wearing jeans with a lilac turtle neck and a nice M & S wool jacket with a sparkly salamander brooch; as I was wearing jeans rather than a dress or skirt I though I would leave the makeup until I was safely on my way.   Then as I was walking to the car a friend pulled up beside me and engaged me in conversation. all I could think of was I had on a bra with my forms in, and nail varnish on my fingers, oh yes and some quite nice low heel ballet pumps - They must have noticed I have been outed!.  At least I hadn't got all my make up on.

Maybe with all this going wrong I should have called it a day, gone home and poured myself a Scotch, but no I carried on, put on my make up and jewellery, and then realised that my wigs were both at home in my bedroom.   Maybe I should follow Meg's example and start making lists.  

As I wandered around Croydon I was no more aware of any extra attention than usual, my own hair is fairly long at the moment and all that stops me from wearing it "au natural" is that it is receding a bit at the front, I combed it forward so the fringe more or less covered the thinning area.   Well after all this I thought I deserved a treat so I got my eyebrows threaded, it hurt a bit but looks a fair bit tidy-er, not a great big difference but better.   I think that it will help my presentation, and I may well have it done again.

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

What an affair

OK so I'm not off fighting Mountain Trolls or anything; But, I do think that my wife might just feel like this sometimes.

She has said of my cross dressing that it makes her feel as if I'm having an affair, with Paula being the other woman.

Busy weekend and a close shave

Where I can I like to prepare these posts a bit in advance; I am typing this on Monday morning.   I have a back ache so I can't get on with any outdoor work, but fortunately I do have some paperwork to catch up on, so I am still gainfully employed, I think I shall have to avoid any heavy work again tomorrow (Tuesday) but hope to be back at work by Wednesday.

The dinner we played for was on Saturday night yesterday (Sunday) I had to play with another band at a festival.  

Most of us travelled up together and go changed at the venue.   Without really thinking about it I put on what has become my usual casual dress recently.   This means panties tights, ladies jeans, a soft cotton pattered shirt ad ladies denim jacket.   I packed my lunch and a change of clothes, a black shirt black shoes and the trousers I had worn on Saturday.   It was only when it came time to get changed that I realised that my toe nails were crimson and I was wear sheer black tights - woops.   I realised that I might be better of using the Gents to get changed than staying in the communal changing room, I gathered up my trousers and shirt and made for the Gents.   When I got there there were a fair few people in there, rather than appear unusually shy I decided to rinse my  hands and face for a while, as the room cleared,   As I finished changing my shirt exposing my extremely hairless chest the room had cleared so I decided on a quick change I had just managed to get my jeans off (they are quite a snug fit) when our band secretary walked in, there I was showing that I was wear panties (not too pretty but undeniably panties) and tights, a second glance would also have noticed my Crimson toe nails as I had to take off my shoes to get my jeans off.   He just said "Don't worry it's only me" as he walked in chatting away straight past me and carried on with what he had come in to do.

I quickly got my trousers and shoes on and made my exit, no comment was made, and I firmly believe that had he noticed some comment at least would have been passed.   I find it hard to believe that someone I have known for nearly 40 years walked straight past me in those circumstances and didn't notice anything, but that is exactly what appears to have happened.

After that performing was a breeze, oh yes and my band got a Gold award, we are waiting to hear if we will be playing at the finals, which this year are being held at the Royal Academy of Music in London

Monday, 28 November 2011

Still Stealthy

Having read Megs most recent posts it's good to know I'm not alone.   As I have said before I like to push the envelope of what is acceptable male attire. tonight I pushed quite hard, and, no reactions anywhere.

My band was playing for a Mason's dinner, I was conducting, the agreed dress code for the band was all black, i.e. open neck shirts and trousers.   As the conductor I feel obliged to be a little more flamboyant in my dress than the rest of the band.   This evening that meant a black satin cap sleeve blouse, black laddies dress trousers, over sheer tights, men's oxford shoes and a dinner jacket.   And guess what - no one noticed

After the gig I changed my shoes to some more, or less, appropriate open toed high heels, and lost the DJ   I had a coupe of glasses of wine at one of my favorite, safe, bars. but no real interaction with any civilians.   I want to chat, join in with any fun, maybe even be chatted up.....

I think that is my biggest disappointment, all dressed up and nobody cares

Saturday, 26 November 2011


I have mentioned before that I have a weakness for shoes, I think most cross dressers do.   Men's shoes can be, well a bit boring.   Women's shoes on the other hand are exciting, frivolous, beautifully put together, decadent.   My selection range from the sensible and comfortable too the downright silly, via the beautiful but painful and difficult to walk in.   I'll leave it to you to decide which are which.

These are of course just a few of the shoes I have, and none of the boots, that could be another whole post in it's own right.   Of course I have favorites at the moment they are a couple of pairs of Roland Cartier pumps, with around three inch heels, I have pictured one pair of these here (on the right), I am finding them very comfortable and easy to wear, and of course very attractive.  

When I start to think about how many pairs of shoes I have, and how few opportunities I have to wear them it seems very, very silly, but I have such a weakness that whenever I am out and find a pair of shoes that fit I am tempted to buy them whether I actually like them or not.   I might have mentioned before that I need more self discipline, this is why.

Friday, 25 November 2011

A bit about me

Over at Crossdresser Heathen Vanessa has put up an excellent post on the difference between being a Crossdresser and Transsexual take a look here some of what she says describes me so well, that I thought perhaps I should say a little bit more about me here, well at least the bits that relate to my cross dressing.

I have come to accept that I am a Crossdresser, that this is something I am rather than something I do.   The last year has been easier for me in this respect as I have just accepted this rather than continuing to fight against it.   However I do not want to be a woman, I want to be able to look like a woman, I want to be free to behave as a woman, and better still to be treated like a lady.   But I only get to experience the good bits, and the leisure activities, and none of the more unpleasant physical aspects, or responsibilities.   Paula has no responsibilities, no job, and no ties.   Crossdressing is a bit like taking a holiday from being me, not a realistic representation of what it must be like to be a woman.   For me it is about the clothes, the appearance of being a woman or if you like the fantasy of being a woman.   As Vanessa says being feminine feels good and is exciting.

Then again I am mostly happy being a man.   I enjoy the physicality of my work, I used to enjoy enormously the physicality of my chosen sport (Rugby), I (mostly) enjoy being a husband and a father.   As I get older I find that my sex drive has diminished and that the compulsion to dress has grown stronger, I put this down to lower levels of testosterone, but I know I am a man, and although I may fantasise about being a woman, at heart I know this is a fantasy, and that I will not do anything that would lead to any sort of permanent change.   SO why do I like to wear women's clothes - beats me!

Thursday, 24 November 2011

Winter's a comming in - GREAT

Eniko Mahalik in Harper Bazaar
This photo causes all sorts of conflicting emotions in me,
  1. Winter can be fun
  2. I want to be with her
  3. I want to be her
  4. I don't like horses, but I could make an exception
  5. I just love those boots
  6. I would just love those boots
I think this sort of encapsulates my attitude to women and clothes in general, maybe that's why my life can feel a little complicated at times.

At the moment I am stuck at home with a back ache so have plenty of time to look at some other blogs I can't give them all links here but these are couple of the others I have enjoyed

there are also quite a few of those blogs that have a little warning for underage browsers.   The over riding impression - what a lot of us there are out there, and what a shame that none of this was around when I was younger, so much could have been different.   But, well maybe that wouldn't have been such a good thing - ah well like I said complicated

Stealth Mode

The other day I mentioned that Gloria was going to have to find a new home, well I still have Gloria but yesterday I picked up her successor.   Nothing special in that you may say, but.....
As I had to travel over to Harrow to pick up the new van I decided to make the journey worthwhile and the time well spent, for me this meant that I travelled semi dressed, or what you might call stealth mode.   I had sheer hosiery under my ladies jeans, a new pair of ballet style pumps with a small but undeniable heel.   I also had eye makeup, lip gloss, my "pearl" rope and a well padded bra with boobs!    I had a quite large man's burgundy cord shirt and a ladies denim jacket, as the jacket has no usable pockets I carried what needed to be carried in a white cotton shoulder bag.   Although I was not aware of attracting any great attention, my choice in footwear did get a few glances.
My choice in fotwear

After collecting the van I added foundation, powder, etc to my make up and put on the rest of my jewelry and wig.   This all felt a little weird as I was wearing flats and jeans, but was no longer in stealth mode.   Well I stopped off a large Tesco in Wembley to pick up a few supplies, when I had gathered my purchases and was looking around for the shortest checkout queue a very helpful young male assistant directed me "The basket checkouts are at the other end, Madame"   I was so thrilled at being called Madame at that point I could have hugged him.   I am sure that had he known he would be pleased that I restrained myself.

This tells me that to pass or at least be accepted I don't need to glam up, a few serious clues are sufficient.   I had been feeling a little unsure of myself, did I look like a woman, or bloke wearing makeup, that "Madame" was so reassuring, I found a whole new spring in my step afterwards.   I am now wondering how little makeup I can get away with wearing, is less more? it should certainly be more comfortable, and maybe less obvious

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Need to pee?

After commenting here that I had to use the ladies loo to make a quick change of hosiery a few people have commented on the "forbidden area" of the "Ladies"   Now I know that for many of us this is a difficult area, should we use the restroom of our physical gender or match our presentation.   I also know that in certain places (I am thinking initially of an incident in a MacDonalds in the US) where a girl like me could get into trouble just for using the loo.

When I first started to go out properly just over a year ago this was a big concern for me as well.   I was gradually pushing my envelope of comfort, e.g. I was comfortable in the clothes I was wearing but not wearing them out.   The persona that is now called Paula slowly emerged, initially she was very nervous, as her skills with makeup ad putting together an appropriate outfit improved, her confidence and her time out increased.   At first I would try to find gender neutral loos when I needed one, but there is an increasing trend for the only gender neutral loos to be the disabled ones, I would use these and feel a little guilty, but then I started to find a lot of these were locked, and a member of staff had to be asked for a key!
I well remember the first time I had to use the Ladies, driving back from Cardiff I had stopped at a small Motorway service for a coffee.    I was far enough from home that I would not make it that far without ruining my car seat, I had to pee.   I was pretending that I was on my way to a party in London, that is I was dressed up to the nines, LBD, sparkly dangley earrings, high heels, and the full slap, I had noticed a couple of people checking me out, but the services were pretty quiet.   I reasoned that I had to use either the Gents or the Ladies, who would be most freaked out any men in the Gents finding me standing next to them in a mini dress or a woman finding me washing my hands.   With this reasoning it became a no brainer.   I used the Ladies.

When I had finnished doin what had to be done, I quietly exited the stall and washed my hands, while drying them a lady approached me, obviously I was nervous, but without reason.   She just wanted to tell me how good she thought I looked, and to tell me of her support for what I was doing.   I was over whelmed, and I would probably not have had this encounter if I had not used the ladies.   Since then I have always used the restroom appropriate to how I am dressed.

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Croydon Remembers

Well after the ceremony, I had a couple of errands I wanted to run, unfortunately I was too late for the first one.   I had a cheque that I wanted to pay int my building society, but y the time I got there they had shut.   Then there were a couple of things I wanted to check out in Allders before going into Debenhams.   I am a bit of a Lancombe fan, but most of their stuff is just a bit too pricey for me, however at the weekend they had a very good special offer running with Debenhams, with a free goody bag as well as money off.   on this occasion I succumbed to temptation.

I allowed myself this little luxury as a special treat, because of the cheque I was trying to pay in.   I won on the premium bonds, yes one of my bonds came up trumps again, a whole £25!   No quite the million I was dreaming of but a lot better than a poke in the eye!

By now I have more clothes, make up and shoes than I can ever claim to need, or indeed have any real use for, so I really must restrain myself and stop shopping, except for the family Christmas presents of course.

Monday, 21 November 2011

Croydon Remembers part II

Yesterday was a bit of a funny day, having got up at an unusually early hour for a Saturday, a quick shower and shave and I was out of the house for a Men's Breakfast at my Church.   There we had lots of talk about how difficult it is to be strong and the man that everyone expects us to be, this before a few hours work trying to sort out a problem with some garden lights.   This would not have been quite so bazaar if I had not known that I was going to spend the afternoon en Femme.   My Church also has a Women's day every year which for reasons I won't go into now I did attend a couple of years ago, on balance I think I preferred the Women's day.   That having been said it was a very good breakfast.   We are very lucky that amongst our membership we do have a professional chief, who just happens to be French.   Despite being French he still managed egg bacon sausages and black pudding; and managed them very well.

I couldn't solve the electrical problem, but I did have the afternoon to look forward to.

My original plan was to get changed at my customers business premises as I was not expecting anyone to be there, but when I got there a couple of staff had come in to see customers and tidy up some paperwork.   I was able to slip on my undergarments in the loo but that was all.   Everything else had t be done in the van.   This is never easy or elegant and it is difficult to emerge cool and presentable.    I think I managed reasonably well, and told myself that since I was going to be publicly declaring myself as a cross dresser by my presence at the ceremony it was more important to present myself well than to blend in.   As I know a couple of the girls are quite tall, and the weather very mild I thought I could "get away" with wearing a pair of my Roland Cartier open toed pumps with three inch heels my new "Next" grey check dress, this is quite short but I think rather elegant, and of course a coat.
So duly dressed and preened I drove into Croydon, there is a car park in Croydon which will allow Gloria in so I parked up and climbed out, and caught me watch strap clasp on my tights!   Regardless I carried on and met up with Helen, and Roger the organisers of the event.   We all met up in the Clock tower Cafe, before going upstairs into the Library for the ceremony
Lighting candles in Remembrance
After the ceremony most of the attendees went on to a local pub, that was hosting a buffet and refreshments and a showing of Jane Anderson's film "Normal" starring Tom Wilkinson and Jessica Lange.   Unfortunately I had more family commitments so couldn't go. 

Sunday, 20 November 2011

This morning

I don't want to overdo it but I will be writing more about my trip into Croydon yesterday, but just want to stick a quick linked post in here now.

It is Sunday morning, and as I am a committed christian I went to Church.   I should say that yes I am a committed christian and as such I am writing this post from that point of view, because it is the only point of view I have.   (I am not proselytising this is simply who I am, it is an important part of my whole life including my cross dressing, so every now and then it will come up).   We are an evangelical Church of England, we like to think that we are inclusive and compassionate, but like most people at times we can be intolerant of others who are not like us.   I think that I am known as one of the most liberal members of the Church, both in my politics and in my theology.   This morning it was my turn to lead prayers.

I was nervous of mentioning that today is the International Transgender Day of Remembrance, but as the service went on I became convinced that it was the right thing to do, and more over that by doing so I would be praying into God's will.   I was nervous because I feared that I could be outing myself at my wife's place of employment, and that many members of the Church may not be sympathetic.
Well I did it, praying for compassion, comfort and understanding, as I did I looked around the congregation and could see heads nodding in agreement, there were plenty of amens sounding out during the prayers as well.   I am enormously encouraged that no one seemed to be opposed, and no one felt the need to approach me after the service to challenge my prayers.   To all those who expect all Christians to be anti anything and everything trans, please accept that this is not the case, most of us will embrace compassion.   As we sang this morning in our worship,

You are the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need.


I started writing this post about a month ago, since then we have the television screening a series about a group of transgendered people meeting up at weekends which follows their progress, and the international day of remembrance.   Both of these have served to raise awareness of girls like us.   I am sure that there is still a lot of confusion in the minds of most people about who we are, what we do and why we do it.   Heck there's still a lot of confusion in my mind! so back to my original post;-

As cross dressers we have a low profile, almost by definition we do not want to be noticed as cross dressers.   The aim is to pass as a genetic girl, not to stand out but to blend in, Stana has written here and here about when we stand out from the crowd.   I hope that when I do stand out from the crowd that it is in a positive way.   As I have said elsewhere I try not to look like a transvestite or a clown, I want to look like a well presented lady out about her business.   I suspect that is how most of us feel when we do mange to get out, we don't want to be objects of attention.   On a personal level that is good and understandable, however I wonder what most people think about cross dressers, who and what they think we are.  
Eddie in sultry mood

If someones sole contact with the trans community is what they see on the interweb then we are doomed!   While blogs like Femulate, Call me Meg and I hope this one are of some help, I suspect that they are almost exclusively viewed by cross dressers.  
Grayson Perry
The sheer amount of trans pornography that is available suggests that A/ it is popular and that B/ a lot of people are getting their sole impression of trans people this way.   This is worrying because as with all porn it is a simple objectification for the third persons sexual gratification, in other words nothing to do with reality.   How often when trying to explain ourselves to someone do we have to make it clear that it is not about being gay, it is not about sex, maybe the proliferation of this porn is partly to blame.   I say partly because there is very little else in main stream society about us.   In the UK we have two cross dressing heroes, Grayson Perry the artist and Turner Prize winner and of course Eddie Izzard, these two have a fairly high profile but they are far from typical so that most peoples ideas (if they any) of cross dressers are limited.   We need more heroines to come forward and explain to the populace what we are about, to educate our children and talk to our media - just as long as it's not me......

Saturday, 19 November 2011

Croydon Remembers

For those of you who don't know Croydon it is the 10th largest town in the UK, the largest borough in London, and one of the less inspiring places to spend a Saturday afternoon, to Microsoft it is a miss spelling of cruton, but to some of us it's home.

Today we had an event in our Central Library to remember those trans brothers and sisters who were killed over the last 12 months.   In a simple ceremony the names of the 18 identified people were read out, and a candle lit in their memory.   I was impressed by the simple ceremony, the fact that Central Library hosted it, the participation of a local church, and most of all the support of "civilians" several people not obviously effected by trans issues.

Here I am with Helen and Debbie from the croydon support group
 During the last week the library has hosted a display commemorating those who have died, small simple and effective, I am so glad to be part of a community which will allow us to participate.
Close up of the notice

The display

Trassexual Summer

I watched the second part of this show last night, other than just too much information and loving close ups on the genital surgery front, I think it is shaping up very well.   It interested me how different where the attitudes to surgery, it goes to show that just like everyone else we are all different, all individuals.   The fact that the girls and boys are being followed to some extent in their real lives helps to show the sort of problems trans people can have.

There is a better review than I can manage here

I think one or two of them are very big personalities and are shaping up to be stars in their own rights.   I suppose the main thing from my point of view is that this is something on main stream television, that can start to change hearts and minds.
This is Donna, one of the seven

By the way don't forget that this is Transgender day of Remembrance tomorrow check this list for you local event I will be at the Croydon event today, if you are local come along to the Clock Tower and say Hello

Friday, 18 November 2011

Non human family members

Not much today of any particular trans content.   But of course we are all members of families, and life beyond clothing goes on.

Smudge is getting better, yesterday he was at last beginning to eat a bit, then last night we gave him a steroid pill, since then he seems to have got his appetite back.   Although he is still painfully thin I get the distinct feeling that he is past the crises.   Now we just have to feed hi up so he can get his strength back.

I have got to replace Gloria.   There is nothing wrong with her, she would happily give me another 3 or 4 years service, she is just the right size and power for what I do.   I love he driving position and "feel" of how she drives, the steering is just the right weight.   All in all she suits me, added to that all the experts tell me that this is the best model Transit Ford have made.   So why replace her.   Simple in January the London Low Emission zone is being  extended to include light vans.   Being well over 10 years old Gloria cannot get through the new restrictions, if I use her after early January I will have to pay £100 each time I use her.   As a self employed tradesman I simple can't afford to pay this, but in the current economic situation I can't afford a new van either.
Gloria, somewhere in France
This is a real catch 22, I can;t afford to not work, I need a van to work, I can't afford a new van.   I know that some micro businesses are just closing up as the need for a capital outlay at this time when we all have reduced income is the final straw.   I can't stop working as I need the income for a few years yet, so I have a bid in on e-bay for a new van, can you all keep your fingers crossed for me please.

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Transgender Day of Remembrance

This coming weekend there is the transgender day of remembrance, there are events all over the world, may I encourage you to look at this list of events and attend at least one of them.

I will be in Croydon for at least some of the day, I have to work in the morning so not entirely sure how I am going to organise everything, but I will be there even if I have to go in drab.   It is sobering how much some have had to give so that we can wear a dress, the least we can do is to remember.

Do you own a Tutu?

Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman
Almost by definition we have a weakness for inappropriate clothing, in that society would say that we should be wearing gender appropriate clothing, and most of us will dress a little "younger" than out true years when in girl mode.   Earlier today I was musing while stuck in traffic outside a dance clothes shop, just how much money do we spend on items of clothing that will never been seen in public, or at the very least in day light.

Most of what I now have is sort of OK, but there is that black leather mini skirt, oh yes and the Daisy Duke denim shorts, and although I absolutely love my pink animal print tights I'm not sure how many would share that enthusiasm. All of these are just doubtful taste, when I was younger, and Paula was unnamed because you don't need a name if you never go out, I had some much worse items.   There were the black patent crotch high boots with 5 inch stiletto heels (not made for walking), the very inappropriate French Maids uniform, which didn't make housework any more fun, and one or two ill-considered purchases of dodgy underwear that no nice girl would ever wear, and bad ones would probably only take off.

I'm sure that I'm not the only one who has resorted up buying some garments from the raunchy end of the mail order spectrum, and ended up with some really tasteless tat.   However I think that this is all part of our development, and so not something to be ashamed of.   My teenage daughter sometimes wants to buy some very inappropriate clothes, but she has the restraining influence of her parents and her budget to stop her, we often have nothing except good sense, and that often desserts us where clothes are involved, and a limited budget.

I now own nothing (underwear excluded!) that I am not prepared to be seen in in public, I do wonder though what was your most ill-considered purchase?   What really silly but treasured items lurk at the back of your wardrobe?

Oh yes; the tutu, when working in the flat of a rather large and very macho single man some time ago I discovered a stack of Transvestite magazines and some clothes, including a pink tutu, they must have been his, neither of us has yet said a word about this.

Monday, 14 November 2011

And Again Thank You

It is only a few days ago that I posted on how blown away I was that I had over 2000 visits to this blog.  Now I have only been running this blog for a couple of months so I as really pleased to have so much success.    I was really chuffed that not only were people reading my ramblings, but that they were coming back for more.
Well now only a couple of weeks later I have over 3,000 views!
Thank you; thank you for reading, thank you for coming back, and thank you for making me feel that what I have to say has some value, some interest, and hopefully some entertainment.   To put all this in perspective I do have another blog.   Nothing to do with the trans community, I write in the same style after all it is my style! and about similar events, just not mentioning the clothes as much, that runs at about 12 hits per day as against Paula's place having around 75 hits a day now!

I am really pleased that you want to read my blog, but another bit of me says switch off your computer, put on a dress and get out!   I often feel that the best way to take exercise is vicariously, but when it comes to cross dressing, you have to do it, feel the sway of the skirt, the stretch of the nylon against your legs, the bounce of your breasts.   If you need to do this then do it!

In case I haven't said it enough, thank you

Sunday, 13 November 2011


I had a moments confusion today.   My band was playing for a quite prestigious remembrance service, although the day was not cold,I was standing still and there was a sharp wind at times.   I was wearing my (mans) wool overcoat and realised that it was undone, so I thought I would button it up.   I was struggling to get any buttons to do up, the reason, I was trying to do it up on the wrong side.

Saturday, 12 November 2011

Transsexual Summer

I have now managed to watch the show, and all in all I think I can give it a thumbs up.   We have four MtF and three FtM at various stages in their transition sharing a house on weekends over the summer, although they are mostly young (to me anyway) and good looking there is one more mature lady.    Although the first program had a lot of girly giggles and posturing there were also some interesting insights into their lives, families, and, well their worlds.
From what I have seen so far I can't say that any of their experiences are similar in any substantial ways to my own, none the less I think this should be interesting.   When my wife and daughter saw that I had programed the box to record this series they both went "erghhh why are you recording THAT".    Bearing in mind my domestic situation I just said I thought I might learn something.   My daughter had a day off school, and while she was at home watched the show, and said that it had changed her views!    Lets hope that she is not the only one who gets illuminated

Friday, 11 November 2011

I should read my own blog

I should pay more attention to what I write.   I managed to find a couple of hours free this afternoon so I decided to dress, and let Paula out to play. Why should I read what I write, I wore a pair of hold up stockings, and they didn't! fortunately for me although the dress I was wearing is rather short (I like short) I was wearing my wonderful long winter coat ( Windsmoor cashmere mix), fortunately because there I was walking around Croydon town centre with my stockings creeping down my legs towards my knees just as well the coat is long.   On the whole not a good look!
I started off in West wickham where I did succumb to a pair of shoes in the Oxfam shop, and then into Croydon town centre.   My original plan was to go to the bank and pay in a few cheques, but I was too late for the bank.   As by then my stockings were beginning to become an annoying embarrassment I popped into Primark picked up some tights and then into Debenhams to use their ladies' to change.   I selected a grey animal print design which I really like.  Walking back to where I had parked I felt so great with these tights on I left my coat open so everyone could enjoy the pattern, showing rather more leg than auntie would approve of.   Apart from the tights I resisted the temptation to buy anything else other than a cup of coffee, so maybe I am getting better.

It now takes me a lot less time to change, I stay pretty clean shaven all the time, so unless I am showing a bit of chest it is just a question of putting on some makeup.   I have decided that less is more in this department.   Today I wore very light makeup and minimum jewelry (apart from big ear rings) and barely got a second look, despite the very short dress!

Thursday, 10 November 2011

Busy Busy Busy

I have just looked in my diary and see that I am fully booked every week day up till the 28th November, this is great news for the business, as this is usually the beginning of the slack period of the year.   Our household finances are a bit of an issue at the moment so again it is good that I will be working so much and bringing in the odd penny or two.   However every silver lining has a cloud, and the cloud with this one is that I will not have any flexibility on time, as well as not being able to fit Paula into the equation I have also just found that I will not be able to fit in taking my daughter to the dentist next week. 
The original appointment was organised so that I could take her at the beginning of the day, before taking her school, and then I could start work, all be it a bit late I could still manage more or less a full day.   Now her appointment has been altered so my wife will have to take some time off work (she is salaried and is allowed time out for this sort of thing as long as the time is made up later) or we will have to alter the appointment again.

As if life isn't complicated enough having two personas, two wardrobes, two blogs, and two businesses now I find that I am running out of time as well as sanity.

Wednesday, 9 November 2011


Smudge is still not well, but he is getting better.   At the end of last week we were very worried about him, we have now found out that the vet was not really expecting to him to make it to this week.   My wife took him in again today and he had another steroid shot.   He is on the mend but not yet out of the woods.  

He has a viral infection, but is fighting it off, now he needs to drink a lot more, and feed up he is just a bag of bones at the moment.   He has always been a bit skinny but now it is extreme, so he is going to get spoilt rotten over the next month or so, the only trouble is trying to find something that he likes.   He is such a fussy eater that it is difficult.

Ripple "Helping"
His brother, Ripple on the other hand is a totally different matter, he is in robust good health and is very muscular, as can been seen from the photo he also takes a keen interest in my blogs.

I'm still not sure whether I will get out to my support group meeting this weekend, but it is not looking hopeful,   If I don;t go then I shall have to find myself another opportunity, I just need to let Paula out every now and again.

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

The weekend

I had hoped to go out at the weekend. My support group meets every second Saturday of the month and of course that is this weekend and I had planned to go.   However it now seems that this may be difficult, my daughter is going to be out, acting in a Church event in London, although she has been promised a lift home I think that maybe I should stay in and be available, just in case.   I haven't said anything to the family yet, so maybe I will have to play this one by ear.

On Sunday I definitely won't be playing anything by ear, everything must be absolutely correct, I am conducting my Band at a very prestigious remembrance service, and I can't allow for anything going wrong.   On Saturday afternoon I will be going over to the band room and loading Gloria up with all the Band Kit ready to take up to town on Sunday morning, when I need to be bright, alert and ready for anything.   So maybe it is a good thing that I won't (probably) be going out on Saturday night.

I shall have to have a careful look in the diary and see when I can organise a Paula day.   There are a couple of exhibitions I want to see up in town, and somehow I need to do some Christmas shopping, so I will be taking at least one day off in November, sometime.

Monday, 7 November 2011

Transsexual Summer

As a general rule I really rather dislike reality TV shows, I don't watch "UK's got Talent" or "X Factor" unless it's on for my daughter. I will not watch "Big Brother" and things like Airport and the like just leave me cold.

Well Channel 4 is putting the TV into reality TV (I'm sorry I just couldn't resist that, and I suspect I won't be the last one).   Tomorrow (Tuesday) night they will be airing the first episode in a new show "My Transsexual Summer"    Channel 4 say it is "A series that follows seven people who are undertaking a range of gender reassignment procedures as they make the ultimate journey to realise their true identities"

I have set my black box to record the series, and will try to stay open minded.   I just hope that the seven people sharing their summer with us will not be held up for ridicule, or entertainment.   On the Channel 4 website there is a glossary of Trans Terminology, a quick who's who of the residents and an interview with one of them.   Whilst this all looks quite good and sensible at this stage - well so did Big Brother


There has been a bit of discussion around recently about stockings, including a post I put up at a forum I am a member of

"Last night I went out to the theatre, this gave me the chance to "glam up" a bit and I wanted to wear a particular pair of very impractical shoes, with an open toe. Now it's not the weather to go bare legged so I wanted some hosiery without a reinforced toe. With what I had available this meant stockings.

When I first started dressing and then going out I preferred stockings, somehow they were more feminine, more other, and definitely made me feel a little sexy. Latterly I have been favouring tights (pantyhose) for the ease, comfort and practicality (they also help keep everything in place). But last night I felt so good and I am wondering if some of that is down to the special feeling from wearing stockings again."

Meg has also written about how she rarely wears stockings but enjoys them when she does.   From the comments that we have both received I get the impression that stockings are very often the hosiery of choice amongst cross dressers, however my experience is that very few genetic girls will wear stockings, unless they are trying to have a particular effect on a man.   This makes me wonder as cross dressers do we like to wear stockings because we like to see women wearing them? do we like them because we associate them with being sexy? are we at some level hoping that we will have that effect on a man? or is it because they are special, and so totally different to any form of male attire?

I don't know, but I do know that I like them and will carry on wearing them, but not exclusively. Sometimes the practicality of tights will win the day, and I also have a particularly slinky black dress that I am waiting for an opportunity to wear that is so form fitting that suspenders would show, so tights and those special panties that have no visible pantie line will be a must.   Don't worry when I get the opportunity for this outfit I will let you know, and I will post pictures.

Sunday, 6 November 2011

More lies.......

I got a marketing e-mail the other day, nothing new in that, it did the usual and fell into the Junk box and got ignored.   This morning as I am am just pottering around the computer I opened it up and read

£32.90 instead of £89.95 for a pack of 3 Wauw Bras – say goodbye to rubbing, chafing bras and save 63% on the only Bra you'll ever need

Now I don't know Wauw bras they may be very good, but a couple of thoughts come to mind, the first was how many bras are purchased because they are needed rather than wanted?   Then, if this is the only bra you'll ever need then why would I want three?   Also of course there is the thought that I don't need a bra at all, I just want one, well I want several actually.  

This is before I start to think about how plain and boring these bras are as a garment.   I am sure that all ladies like a bit of frippery about their underwear at least occasionally, and then of course there are those occasions when a lady likes to look maybe at least a little seductive, then these definitely won't hit the mark.

Saturday, 5 November 2011

The Great 21st Century Lies

Not me!, they won't stay uo
This post was inspired by 10 hour lip gloss, which lasts well, but not that well, I started to think of some of those other wonderful marketing claims.
  1. One size fits all
  2. Stay ups
  3. Lasts all day
  4. Of course I'll still love you in the morning
  5. The cheque is in the post
  6. The easy way to lose weight quickly
Maybe my thighs are the wrong shape, but Stay Up stocking don't, and no, one size does NOT fit all, it fits none!   I am sure there are many more of these, let me know your favorites.
One size fits all

Things I say

There have been a few times when I have had to talk about my cross dressing - or not.   Now I have a problem, I find it very difficult to resist the temptation to try to be funny.   Some of the exchanges I have had

"Is that your own hair?"
"Well I paid for it so I reckon it is"

"Are you a cross dresser?"
"No, I'm quire happy about it"   Always worried about why this question was asked when it was....

"Are those women's shoes?"
"No they're mine"
You get the idea, my first reaction is to make a joke of the situation.   Most of the time it's simply not a problem, but sometimes.......................................................... I think it is time that when asked these questions I start to give honest answers, and admit that I like to wear clothes original designed for women.   I think that more people would be accepting than we expect.   It's just such a shame that sometimes it is those nearsest to us who simply cannot acept.

Friday, 4 November 2011

Does my bum look big in this?

Now I know that the answer to this question is never "yes dear" and definitely not "Honey your bum would look big in Wyoming".   My trouble is that bum doesn't look big, in fact it doesn't really look like a bum at all, well not in a dress anyway.   My skirt size is a couple of sizes smaller than my top, this means that my dress size is fine for my top, but big for the nether regions.  I know some women would kill for slender boy like hips and bum, but I would like to present as a mature lady, and most mature ladies have, erm bums (I don't mean their husbands)

I think I am going to have to resort to some padded panties, but I have only seen these on line.   That would be fine, nice and discrete and all that, the trouble is that my wife really does not want to have Paula's mail order stuff coming to the house.   I can see I am going to have to give this some thought.

Thursday, 3 November 2011

What do you mean SIR?

After my last post I had to go out, post some letters, go to the bank run a few chores, so Paula ran them, no point in getting changed before I had too.    Well I did (get changed) when I had to, and then after checking my e-mails I decided I fancied a beer, so I popped next door to the convenience store, where the cashier called me sir.   My first reaction was -
"What do you mean Sir?" Fortunately I realised I had got changed before I said anything, am I doing this too much?

Hard at work

Office Drag
Yes I am working - honest there is some work being done.   As well as my gardening business I do some freelance data entry and marketing work.   Today I am engaged on some number crunching  for one of my regular customers. It only seems fair that  since I am working at the computer I should be dressed appropriately, so today I am in what Stana at Femulate calls "back to work drag"
Proof that I'm working

My original intention was just to try on this new dress I bought on Monday, it is a very nice grey sleeveless tunic dress from Marks & Spencer, it has some nice shinny buttons as a feature on the front, is fully lined with a full length zip at the back.   All in all quite a nice classy item, especially since having bought it from a Charity shop I only paid £3.99 for it!

Once I had slipped it on, I realised that with out the proper underwear I could tell nothing, then my neck looked a little bare so I had to put something round there, then I had to put on the rest of the jewelry to match.  It still wasn't quite right, my shoulders seemed somehow naked, so I had to add the jacket and of course shoes.   I have ended up fully dressed complete with a nice subtle nail varnish which you can just see in the photo.   As I am at home on my own I have left off my wig, but now Paula had work to do.


This is Smudge
He's not well
This morning we couldn't find Smudge, eventually we found him under a chair in my daughter's bedroom.   He has been off his food for a while and has been losing weight.   This morning we just had to take him to see the vet.   He was very subdued and is very quite and still.   The vet thinks that it may be a kidney infection and has given him an antibiotic and taken some blood samples, we will know more tomorrow.   In the mean time we can't help worrying.


Following on from my last post, I except that there are risks of being found out, of being read, and recognised, every time I go out.   Perversely I suspect that part of the excitement is in the risk.   I also think that there is a very strong desire to be out, to be recognised for what, for who I am.    However I am not at all sure that this is the best way of coming out.   There is and should be a difference between being found out and coming out.   With my wife I was found out and it has been very difficult for us to reconcile my cross dressing with the rest of our relationship.   With a relationship that is less well grounded I can understand how this sort of thing can be the end of the relationship.

Now I do know that I like to push at the boundaries of gender appropriate clothing, this evening I attended a band rehearsal wearing sheer tights under ladies jeans (no socks) a floral man's shirt and a ladies denim jacket.   If challenged I have told myself I would say that yes I am a cross dresser, but would I follow through, would I have the moral courage to admit who and what I am? I simply do not know.

I have a GG friend who plays in a couple of bands with me, she is generally quite liberal in attitude, and also works with me one or two days a week during the busy growing season, I am determined that she should know about Paula, but to quote Captain Jack Sparrow, I have been "waiting for the opportune moment".   I think I need to take my courage in both hand and create that opportune moment.

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

The Risks I take

I very nearly outed myself by accident the other night. as I have written elsewhere I went to the Theatre on Saturday night, this was a very pleasant evening with what I thought an excellent play.   Primarily a moral tale with the message of nothing in excess.

I enjoyed the play so much that at Monday night's rehearsal I gave it a bit of a boost, telling a few members of the band how much I enjoyed the play.   This was when I found out that one of the members of the band is in the cast!

I had not recognised him, and he made no mention that he may have recognised me, I just hope I haven't embarrassed him!   This made me realise that although I pay lip service to the idea that if everyone knew about Paula, then I could live in freedom to dress how I want to when I want to, well I may not be quite ready for that yet.   Most of all the thought of risking much that I hold dear is worrying.   In future I think I need to be a bit more careful, and play away from home.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Saturday Night - part 2

Well I thoroughly enjoyed the play, but I was the only person there on their own, everyone else was either in a couple or a group, this also meant that no one other than the staff engaged me in any level of conversation.   This shouldn't disappoint me as how many people will engage a lone woman in conversation anyway, however I had hoped......

Walking back to pick Gloria up there was quite a crowd coming out of the Fairfield Hall so I popped in and joined the throng at the bar there.   Again I was a rarity as a lone female and was left to myself, after this it was home to bed.

Having stayed at the bar a little longer than I had planned I also got home later than planned, and found that my family had beaten me home.   Now as I have said before my wife knows but doesn't want to, she would definitely not want to see Paula come into the house.   I had allowed that this might happen so had a pair of jeans etc. in the van just in case, so I than had the indignity of getting out of my glad rags in the van, in the dark, This is not the first time this has happened but it always makes me nervous.   So far I have "got away with it" I did however have a bit of a mishap this time.   I managed to clean off my make up OK and get sufficiently changed, but when taking off my nail polish I managed to knock over the bottle of remover, losing the whole lot over the flour (luckily being a van rubber mats not carpet!)   The outcome a terrible smell in the van, and insufficiently clean nails.

I manged to sneak into the house dig out some cleaner from the bathroom cupboard and get properly cleaned up before quietly joining my wife in bed.   This sort of scare worries me more than being read.   I suspect that most people who actually look at me will be able to tell, but don't comment, but overall most people just don't care.   Even on Saturday night when I was well and truly "dolled up"