On my mind

A while back I commented here on some of the non gender related things that were on my mind, As the Formula 1 season and the Six Nations are drawing ever closer this becomes more and more the case.   Now I don't like to think of myself as the typical male sports fan, indeed I am only really interested in Rugby and Motor sports, but I am quite excited about both our home internationals and the new GPs.

In Formula 1 I am hoping that McLaren will have a car that will challenge Red Bull, and that Jenson Button will get a second world championship.   I would love to see him confirm that his one world championship so far was no fluke, as a driver I admire his style, and as person, well I admire his style.   It is not just because he is British it is much more about the man and how he drives, I love the smooth gentle way he treats the car, managing to be aggressive but not abrasive.

And in the Six Nations we now have a situation where any team can beat any other team on the day,  realistically any one of four of the six could be crowned Champions this year.   Scotland and Italy would both be pleased to win two out of the five games, but any less than four victories would be a disappointment for the other four, and all of them will be aiming to win the championship.

I don't know how many other cross dressing ex prop forwards there are in Europe, but come 2:30 on Saturday afternoon I think we will all have our attention focused on Stade de France hoping that the Italians can repeat last years victory

A Bit of an Outing

After a conversation with one of my customers today, I find I will after all have to go to the AGM of my one of my trade bodies next month.   This does mean a bit of a diary hiatus as I already have some other work booked in for that day, but on the other hand it also means that I will be in town for a morning meeting with the rest of the day time to use as I will.

Now I will be dressed up for this meeting, but in this case that means a drab suit and tie, I just don't feel that they are ready yet for my skirt suit.   I am wondering how I can manage the logistics of using the afternoon to let Paula see an exhibition or something, at the moment the only way I can see me being able to do something is by coming back out of town to get changed, or lugging a great big bag around all day.   The thing is if I don't use this opportunity I am not sure when I will have another as the business is very busy at the moment.   I hope to get to my support group on the 11th Feb but like so much at the moment that all depends on when my wife's hospital appointment comes through.   Sometimes I think the only way I can be sure of Paula time is to put a day in the diary and keep it sacrosanct, maybe I will claim a day and accept that I will not be economically active that day, but will just enjoy some of the fruits of my labours.

Anyway enough waffle, I'm off to bed now; Good night.

Faith issues

No not my own faith issues but those people of faith who feel confused by what we do, and how we can do it and still maintain that we are Christians.   Last night while surfing I came across Joey's Pad http://llcooljoe01.blogspot.com/ I don't know much about Joey but the discussions triggered by an e-mail asking the question "how can you do what you do and still be a christian when I have been taught that you will all go to hell" (I paraphrase) has caused a lot of comment.    It makes me realise that there is an awful lot of intolerance out there on both sides of the fence, there is a lot of mud slinging but in amongst it some very insightful, sensitive responses.

If you are interested in this subject then take the time to read these and also drop in and take a look at http://www.lightinthecloset.org/

By the way can anyone tell me how I can put up links without having to show the whole address?

Heroes



Fran Coton

In conversation the other day the question of heroes came up, I admitted to three Joseph Paxton, John Fletcher and Fran Cotton, I then observed that they were not three names you would often hear in the same sentence.   Add Stana to the list and it all becomes even more unlikely.   I propose to give a prize of a virtual hug to anyone who can identify who these three are, and why they are heroes.

Stana

Sir Joseph Paxton



John Fletcher

Middle Aged?

My wife had a big birthday this week and today we have been celebrating, it puts me in mind of how we think of middle age.   Sure 50 is younger than it was for my parents generation but it still feels like a big number for a lot of people this is still something to fear especial in our current cult of youth.   Fortunately for me neither my wife nor I have this problem, when asked how she felt being 50 she replied "All soft and squidgy" and she is!

Me or my Mum

It is an age when many really begin to understand that they will die hence the first of the four Ms of middle age men - Mortality; Marathons; Motorbikes; and Mistresses. personally I sold my motorbike around 50 and have never, and will never have a mistress, although I did buy a new tuba at 51.   Yes this is about the time when we really understand that we will die, hence the mid life crises, a sort of panic attack. "OH MY GOD I'm going to die, what have I achieved? -nothing; what am I going to leave behind? - not a lot; what am I going to do? - buy a motorbike, or in my case put on a dress!

Of course we also find that we are turning into our parents, as a general rule men turn into their fathers and women turn into their mothers.   Some of us do a bit of both, it is a little frightening when I spend ages shaving, preening, putting on my makeup, jewelry and wig to then check out the final result in the mirror and see mother looking back.   I have this lovely quite formal day dress that is just the sort of thing my Mother would have worn, and when I see this picture of me I can see her in me very strongly.   I still love this dress and long for the right ocassio to wear it out, it would have been ideal for some sort of semi ormal daytime Christmas do, but Paula didn't get to go to any this year.

Close Encounters

On Tuesday we had rain here, and I had a drill I had bought through e-bay to pick up, so I took the day off outside work and went out  to collect the drill and do a couple of other chores while I was at it.   Of course being me I took advantage of the opportunity to go out dressed.   I was still pretty smooth and hairless so didn't have to worry about any prep in that department, however as my wife was home I had to get changed and made up in the van.   As this was a last minute decision I had not planed what to wear, but as my legs were still nice and smooth I didn't really want to wear trousers or jeans.
I opted for a double denim look with denim skirt and jacket along with some patterned tights, and mauve shirt blouse and some fairly flat ballet style pumps.   I thought this was a pretty good outfit, but of course under the circumstances I had no mirror to check anything beyond my makeup and hair.    When the rain stopped I pulled into a parking stop in Ashdown Forest and took some photos.

During the day I did have a little interaction with other people, I stopped and bought fuel, I collected my drill, and did some shopping, all as Paula.   On each occasion I was addressed by the correct (female) pronoun, in one place getting a very friendly reception and an almost transatlantic "Ma'am" in another a definitely English "Dear"  With all this I was feeling quite pleased with myself.   On my way home desperate for a pee I stopped at a carvery/pub/lodge bought a glass of wine and used the facilities.   Everyone else there were male workmen (well I suppose if they are workmen then they would be male - but you know what I mean).   I was very aware that I was attracting attention, this made me more aware of the shortness of my skirt and the nature of my femininity.   For once I was beginning to feel quite vulnerable.

Making my way out I decided to use a different entrance and got a bit confused as to where I was, two of the workmen came out to where I was trying to find my way out without going into the Hotel section, the first acknowledged me, rather brusquely, the second  admonished him saying "she thought you were going to attack her" this rather flummoxed me, he then went on to say that he thought I had a lot of courage and that he admired that.   I was so thrown by the whole encounter that I didn't know how to respond other than to say thank you and accept his directions to the exit.

What was apparent was that he knew what I am, he still used the female pronoun and was happy to engage me in conversation.   I am sorry that the circumstance forbade any more conversation I would like to know how he knew so much, also what gave me away.   Although it transpired that I had nothing to be afraid of it was also clear that I had at least one supporter.   This was a rather strange and confusing encounter, but maybe as I go out into the world more I need to expect more of this sort of thing.

I know, I know

I know just how he feels, but perhaps for different reasons

as usual click to make bigger

I've done my time

Well of course coming home from Cardiff I travelled Pretty, I wanted to wear my new blouse, and felt that to go with it I should have a black bottom (if you know what I mean).   Having worn trousers the previous day and having made my legs all smooth and hairless I opted for a pair of black culottes, black pantyhose and as a concession to the cold weather my knee high boots.   To try to add a little subtlety I had my long overcoat with me, and wore this when not driving.  (although I'm not wearing the coat in the picture as I wanted to show off my new blouse)

I made a couple of stops on the way home, the first for a coffee and comfort break, the second closer to home.   Stopping at a motorway services is always a bit of pot luck, on this occasion the services were not  too busy so I didn't have to queue for the loos, or struggle for a seat to have my coffee.   I was not aware of much attention from any other travellers, other than one man who kept looking my way (and I suspect paying particular attention to my legs, the culottes being on the short side and making for quite a display), I'm not sure whether he was attracted by what he saw, more than normally curious, or simply confused, anyway he didn't act on it so I'll never know.   Just as well maybe.

I had made good time and was earlier than expected so I popped into the Grape & Grain for a glass of wine.   As always I was simply accepted by everyone there.   If anyone might have thought I was anything other than I was presenting as then they didn't mention it to me.   At this Pub I always feel secure, safe and welcomed, on Sunday night the landlady wasn't around, but I was greeted with the correct pronouns and treating with courtesy and friendship.

edited for spelling 26-01-2012

My New Ring

I mentioned that I had bought myself a new ring the other day.  Most costume jewelry is rather large and flamboyant, I prefer something a little more restrained, something that looks like the sort of thing that a lady of my age would have, and wear.   Also as you can see in the photo, I need to have a ring to accompany my wedding ring.

Search me - again

I note that one of the searches that brought a reader here was Christianity Cross Dressing, I do hope that who ever you are that what you found helped.   Either way please feel free to contact me direct by e-mail if you would like to discuss the issues I suspect we are both facing.

I the mean time

Bless you all

Later that Night

Well Mum goes to bed quite early and sleeps well (as well as being quite deaf) so for the first time in ages I had a bit of time to myself.   I decided that before retiring I would get rid of some unwanted hair.   I wanted to wear my new blouse travelling home on the Sunday, so would have to tidy up chest, and arms, I also thought it would be nice to at least have the option of wearing skirt so I would have to something about my legs as well.

I had a tube of Nair with me that I had used a bit off some time before, but thought I would make full use of it and do the whole body thing.   Mostly very effective with good clean smooth results (and no cuts) however I have had a bit of a reaction on my chest and I got some on my face that also caused a reaction.   So my conclusion good in parts, but keep of the sensitive parts!   It was then very nice and sensual to put on my satin pyjamas, and go to bed.   I slept like a baby (kept waking up crying and wet the bed), no I should say I slept soundly and woke up in the morning feeling great, smooth and lovely.

After getting up I had a shower and shaved off any bits of body hair I could see that I had missed the night before, again I could make this a fairly leisurely process which makes a great change from y usual morning rush amid the competition to use the bathroom.   More on the rest of the day later

The weekend sarted here

In order to get to Cardiff in reasonable time to be able to look around a bit before going to my Mothers I packed my over night bag on Friday night, got up early on Saturday, dressed and out of the house by 6:30 I had crossed town and was on the A4 before 7:00.   To those of you who don't know London this is a journey that if made a  couple of hours later would take between one and half, and two hours.   Of course I was travelling pretty (sorry just had to borrow this term from Kimberley at Travelling Transgendered) but not over the top.  I had on a pair of black slacks, a black roll neck, grey jacket and black pumps.   A bit more dressed up than the average white van driver on the Motorway, but not much.
What this meant was that I attracted very little attention, first when I stopped for a coffee, and then later as I did a bit of shopping.   First I went to Matalan I was not looking for anything specific, but did find a very nice blouse, white short puff sleeves, with black spots and a black satin tie around the waist.   this was on sale so I picked up a nice blouse for £4   Some of my fem clothes I can wear in male mode, but this will not be one of them.   Next stop Sainsbury's to pick up something for lunch, checking their sale items I found a ring I rather like so I picked that up for a massive, bank balance busting £1.   All this time no one seemed to pay any undue attention to the rather tall lady in high heels.

As all the clothes I was wearing except for the jacket do fall into the category of those that will pass as male I just slipped off my bra and changed jacket before going to Mum's.   As well as making life a lot easier, it also meant that when I had to go out again to do her shopping after lunch, it took very little time r effort to make sure I was "properly" dressed.   Once again no one in Tesco paid me any special attention, however I did have a couple of chats, one with another customer and with the cashier.   It was very nice not to be subject to any special attention, to just blend in.   I don't know if I passed, but I certainly blended.

Been away

Paula's been away for the weekend, another visit to Cardiff means that I have had some Paula time.   I have just got home and am pretty tired and need my bed. I will post more on this little trip over the next couple of days, in the mean time I will leave you with the observation that a lot of the Welsh seem too be quite short, Paula sort of towers over many of them, especially in 3 inch heels!

Suggestions Please

Click to enlarge

So if you could have a work of art on your butt, what would it be?.   Maybe a portrait, whose face do your want to sit on?    The laughing cavalier? How about the Hay Wain? or maybe the Fighting Temare?

Go on I know you have some good ones share your ideas through "Comment"

Faith, hope and charitity

Meg went to Synagogue last Saturday, so what you might think, but Meg is a cross dresser, and this is a first for her.   I for one am very glad, and thankful that she has shared the story here http://youcancallmemeg.blogspot.com/  it sounds like a very positive experience that she thoroughly enjoyed.

Apart from boosting Meg's blog the point of this is that she prompted the thought of how far are we prepared to go?   For those of us of faith we are often urged that our faith should permeate our whole life.   For me that means that I am not a Christian just on Sundays in Church but everyday what ever I am doing, at work in rehearsals, in the pub, my faith even permeates into my cross dressing - this is something I have written about before - but does my cross dressing spread as far.   My personal situation prevents Paula going to our Church, but would she go to a Church where He isn't known?

I don't know, I'm not sure I'm ready for that, another reason why I take my hat off to Meg

Boxing

BBC Radio 4's Woman's Hour seems to be going through a strange patch, Yesterday (Tuesday) they had a discussion on men wearing pink, and came o the conclusion that as long as it is tasteful it's OK so n pink golf trousers but shirts are fine, one of the ladies commented my husband wears pink shirts, and hes a real "Rugger Bugger" well I used to play Rugby (and in the front row at that!) and I have a pink shirt so that's pretty re-assuring, they didn't say anything about slips, camisoles or panties though.   The over all discussion was on wearing this season popular pastel colours, I was tempted to let them know I have a nice pastel green dress as well as my pink shirt but thought better of it.
Then today (Wednesday)  they had a peace on boxers wearing skirts this is the blurb from their web site; "As women's boxing makes its Olympic debut, is the Amateur International Boxing Association (AIBA)wrong to suggest women boxers wear a skirt? An online petition opposing the move has collected nearly 50,000 signatures. The AIBA say it will allow spectators to distinguish female competitors from their male counterparts. As the Committee prepares to meet in Bangkok this week to finalise the changes, Jenni speaks to the BBC's Olympic Sport Reporter, Jessic Creighton; and is joined by professional boxer and trainer, Marianne Marston, and Laura Sapperstein who is a boxer and also designs kit, to examine whether wearing a skirt undermines the status of women boxers." It seems to me to be bazaar to make competitors in a activity like boxing to wear a skirt of all things, I think there should be some serious questioning of the motivations here.   I am no fan of boxing I would certainly not be lured into watching women's boxing just because they were wearing skirts.   However what was interesting was when one of the guests revealed that a lot of male boxers are wearing skirts, she then stressed that they were "Gladiator" style but I think I did hear her say that they were pretty, and feminine.   I may have miss heard so check it out, I think you may only be able to listen if you are in the UK.

A Tight Spot

On my recent wardrobe hiatus there were some casualties to friendly fire.   Amongst the "stuff" packed up by the Boss (an affectionate name for the wife originally coined by her father - I should have been warned!) and currently exiled to the chillier corner of the garage were all except for 3 pairs of my tights.   The main problem with this at the moment is that I wear tights under my trousers during the winter for extra warmth, all three pairs are currently in the wash and it's blooming cold.   I think I can justify a couple of additional pairs, just to keep warm.   This should be more acceptable if they are of a colour and style that I would not be expected to enjoy, and will not get confused with those of either of my ladies'.   My three current pairs are grey, that seems to be acceptable so I might get these from Lidl when they are on offer later this week.

or these

Important, Urgent News USA takes over world

Maybe a bit dramatic, but if you go to Wikipedia today you will see what I am on about,   There is legislation going through in the USA that will effect every web site throughout the world.   The idea is to protect copyright, the effect could be very different, as I understand it a US company or individual an make a complaint about a site, and it will have it's income stream cut off and quite possibly it's ISPN closed down - that is as a result of a complaint, of course it will go to court and can be overturned, but only in a USA court, I don't want and American competitor complaining about my site, and then have to travel to the USA to defend my activities in a foreign court.

There is much, much more wrong with this legislation please take the time to visit http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Main_Page today also Vanessa has an excellent piece here http://www.crossdresserheaven.com/ please take he time t have a look. 
And if you live in the States please contact your representatives - Senate and House -  to let them know what you think.

I generally try to avoid anything Political here but this is something that is important to all web users the world over.

Thank you - rant over

Hem lines

Back to simple fashion conscious ramblings, as a tall girl I find hemlines a problem, I like them to be either one thing or the other, high or low nothing wishy washy in the middle.   This does mean that a lot of styles get rejected simply because the skirt is the wrong length for my taste.    I believe that the hemline should be either above the knee (somewhere between the top of the knee and below where the fingertips reach on the thigh when stood up straight) or below mid calf. In defence of my position I present two pictures.

Maybe not a great picture (the sun was in my eyes) but what is there about this dress that is not to like?   It is very simple black with white spots, and a white yoke, it is a nice soft cotton  that flows nicely and is quite sensual.   Wearing this I feel classy, dignified and comfortable, what more could a girl ask for?  This photo was taken on a fairly cold spring day s I teamed the dress with a white jacket, this also obscures my farmers tan, I think I would now wear my black and white sandals rather than these black gladiator ones.

Here on the other hand I am close to looking as though I am looking for an opportunity (if you see what I mean) but that is the environment, the time of day and the pose rather than what I am wearing.    I think that this length of dress works well, shows off the legs (always a good thing for some of us) and detracts slightly from our height, If a style distracts from height and breadth of shoulder as well then it is a real winner, for me this LBD is just such a winner.   I consider adding a belt to raise my waist even more, and sometime wear a jacket, or scarf across my shoulders, but however I wear this I always feel gorgeous.   There are many who may not feel that I look as good a I feel, but who cares, this is all about feeling good, feeling you look good, and enjoying the feeling

Fiction Mania?

When we can't actively indulge ourselves in our "hobby" we will often read about those do.   We will read blogs, look at pictures and explore all sorts of avenues that are best left unexplored.   That is the nature of any interest subverted, oppressed, and sidelined by society.   There is a lot of what could loosely be called transgendered fiction out there in Internet land, a lot of it (possibly the best of it) is on the Fictionmania web site.   However it does seem to me that most of it is pretty formulaic, it all seems to be written in the first person and there are basically only three story lines,

1. Boy is caught dressing in his sisters / girl friends / neighbours clothes and as a punishment is forced to wear more of their clothes and go into feminine situations resulting in a sexual encounter.
2. Boy is forced into a situation where he has to dress up as a girl against his will and then ends up in situations where he can't admit that he's really a boy, resulting in a sexual encounter.
3. Boy is forced by dominant female to be subservient, part of the process involves him dressing in a feminine manner, resulting in a sexual encounter.

forgive me if I have missed anything but it seems to me that most of what I read falls into one or the other of these categories.    Some are very well written short stories, some crudely recount a sexual fantasy, I have yet to read one that would attract, or hold the attention of a reader who did not have a special interest.   I long to see a peace of fiction that gives a realistic, positive, portrayal of what it is really like to be a cross dresser.   I remember an interesting play on BBC Radio 4 a while back that started off very promisingly, but ended up with the cross dresser a rapist and a murderer.   Where are the stories about mature men who choose to occasionally present as women, and do ordinary things.   I know that for a story to hold interest something extraordinary needs to happen (except of course in Joseph Hellers "Something Happened"), but does it have to be of either a sexual or a violent nature.

I have the beginnings of a story written, but have stalled as it keeps creeping into one of my own fantasies, and this I want to avoid.   If any of you have some thing you think is worth reading please, please send it to me and I will put it up here (as long as it conforms to the site rules, no sex, nothing nasty all suitable for the office or under 18s).   In the mean time I will revisit my own writing and see if I can bring the story to a conclusion that does not involve any of these three areas of fantasy.

Wardrobe Update

I have now had a bit of a chance to assess what got turned out from my wardrobe.   I haven't had a look in the bag currently lurking in my garage, but I have had a look through my draws (that is draws, not drawers) and go through the hanging space in my wardrobe.     The knicker draw that I referred to in an earlier post had my panties, bras tights and stockings in, they have all gone.   In my sock draw I have found a couple of pairs of knee highs (or trouser socks) in other draws a couple of skirts my roll necks and a pair of culottes escaped exile, curiously I seem to have retained a couple of pairs of plain cotton panties, while my men's silk briefs aren't there.

In the hanging section all the dresses and slips have gone, but my denim jacket, jeans, a formal jacket, a couple of pairs of trousers and a couple of skirts that were on the same hanger as my denim jacket all survived.   I should say that as far as I can tell at the moment everything has survived, just been put into exile.   The sword that I thought had fallen on my head remains suspended by a thread, but still suspended.

Next job is to find a better way to look after my wardrobe, out of the way but accessible, for the sake of domestic harmony I think I need to be more circumspect about  cross dressing activities; I also think that however reluctant my wife maybe about this we do need to talk, she is not good at talking, at any rate discussing, so I may have to force the issue, maybe even suggesting going to a councillor.

This all sounds a bit heavy, but I am so relieved that it is not as bad as I at first thought that I shall reward you all (and myself) with a picture!   This was taken back in June, I'm not sure if I have published it before, by the way the skirt and jumper I'm wearing were both still in my draws.

Not Mr Bean

Photo from "The Mail"

Stana has alerted me to an upcoming BBC Drama that should interest us.    There is to be a new short series of "Accused", a typical high end BBC production with top rate TV writers attracting high end actors, escaping from type casting in action or comic roles.    This one should be of particular interest because they have Sean Bean player a transgender woman, little has been said about the plot but given that it is written by Jimmy McGovern we can expect something pretty good.   

From the little we do know and the photos shown I am encouraged that this may be a sympathetic, realistic representation, as well as a warning - we will just have to wait and see.





Read more here http://www.bbc.co.uk/mediacentre/latestnews/2012/110112accused.html  here http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/9009224/Sean-Bean-takes-on-transsexual-role.html or here http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2085462/Sean-Bean-plays-transsexual-BBC-Jimmy-McGovern-drama-The-Accused.html

Thangs ain't what they used to be

Well it seems that the situation may not have been quite as bad as I had feared, I got home and found that most of my things a couple of dresses undies etc. were in a black bin bag on our bed along with a little case I keep make up wig jewelry etc. in.    I removed these to the garage, and nothing more was said.   There are a few items still in other draws, or hanging in my wardrobe, I will remove these shortly.   We did have some time alone and although I did not try to initiate the conversation I gave my wife every opportunity to, she declined the opportunity.

Some of this I am sure is her innate reluctance to talk about important things at all, she prefers to just express her opinion and then hope that everyone agrees - and we usually do.   I thought I had managed to reach some level of acceptance, but I obviously pushed the limits too far.   I think as long as I am more circumspect, and keep everything to do with Paula out of sight, then maybe it will also be a case of out of mind.   At the moment everything is in the garage, this will do for the time being but I will have to find a more appropriate accessible storage option.   Maybe some self storage or some form of locker which will take a couple of cases....looks like I have some investigation to undertake.

The main thing is that it looks like I am still part of this family, and that I don't need to murder Paula.

Priorities

I got a text message from my wife today saying that she had "bagged up my STUFF it has to go!!!!!" there was more to the same effect.  This is not good (I will leave the exclamation marks to my wife).

As I have said before there are times when family comes first, this has to be one of them.   However I know that what my wife realy wants is a total end to all my cross dressing activities, I am now pretty certain that I can't do that, if I could of I would have stopped years ago.   I need to understand the situation better, and do what I can to reassure my wife, without making promises I can't keep.   I am not sure how this will pan out, at best I will have to curtail Paula's activities and give up any underdressing, not sure yet whether this will impact on this blog or not, I hope that I will be able to continue writing even if I have to limit what else I do.   As they say watch this space for the next exciting episode.

Stupid? SIlly?

Yesterday I referred to nail polish as a little bit silly, now I should declare that for me silly is not necessarily a bad thing.    For stupid read silly and his sort of makes my point

Click to see full size

Top and toe

For the last couple of weeks I have been wearing some pearl nail polish on my toe nails.   It is quite subtle but still definitely girly.   Well last night I was out wearing my (lady's) black jeans with sheer black hose underneath and if I didn't have my shoes on the polish showed through quite clearly.   I like to have my toe nails coloured although they are not on show at all until we have the weather for open toed shoes.   It gives me a little thrill of femininity when ever I see that splash of colour.   It is a private pleasure, a small joy, and maybe just a little silly.
This morning (Wednesday) I had an inspection and decided that the polish was getting a little sad, so I cleaned it off, I now have three questions

1. I have an appointment with my osteopath next Wednesday (the 18th) should I wait until after that to re-do my toe nails?
2. What colour shall I do them when I do them?
3. Is it varnish or polish?

Tents boats and bras

Lots of grim financial news again today, three major companies in trouble.   Our major outdoor leisure retailer Blacks Leisure has been bought by JD Sports, how many store will stay open and what they will stock remains to be seen.   Blacks Leisure includes about 100 Black's stores and  about 200 Millets stores selling outdoor clothing and camping equipment.   If as I expect JD concentrate on the clothing then maybe this will be our winter of the discount tent.

Sea France has also gone into enforced liquidation with the loss of hundreds of jobs in both France and the UK, with all the assets up for sale and the ships probably being bought by one of the existing operators, this will reduce competition on the cross channel route even further, also I must admit they were my favorite boats, i for one will miss them.

Finally the third company to go into administration before being sold off is La Senza, while around 1,100 jobs will be saved that does mean a loss of of 1,500, with only 60 of the 146 store and 18 concessions being part of the deal.   While my heart goes out to the 1,500 people being made unemployed, I can't help wondering if there may be some lingerie bargains out there.

I feel quite pleased with myself that I resisted the temptation to illustrate this post with lots of gratuitous pictures of sexy girls in their underwear. (I hope you are not too disappointed0

Am I selfish

Well the answer has to be yes, in so many ways, but here I am specifically concerned with my cross dressing.   Like all too many of us I thought that when I got married I would be able to control any residual urges I might feel to dress.   At the time of our marriage I was so in love and so satisfied that I was feeling no urge at all to dress, I thought this was something that was finally behind me.   If course the compulsion re-emerged and eventually my wife found out.   It has been a difficult time for her, it is not something she chooses to talk about but I know it causes her pain - and I carry on anyway.   That is the nature of the compulsion.   I try to stay at least semi closeted for her sake, she finds it bad enough that I do this, that others should know would mortify her.

Looking on T Central I saw this and followed the links, I suggest you do the same

    "Andrea is the partner of Jane Fae, who has spent most of the last two years in transition and had her GRS last year, For Andrea that two years marks a significant anniversary, for it was two years ago that her bloke came out to her about gender issues.
In her post "Two Years On", she reflects on those two years, and how it has affected her. Required reading for any of us who have wives, husbands or partners. "

I have no plains, or indeed inclination to transition,  I am still too fond of Him, but  suspect that much of this mirrors my own wife's experience and that of many of our partners.

Mini skirts and high heel boots

On my last post I recounted the trip we made last night, or at least the show we went to, I am still buzzing with the experience this morning, a great performance from a bunch of really nice blokes, but my aim this morning was not to undertake more publicity for the SWO (although I probably will at a later date) but to make a couple of observations on the journey, and the audience.

As I spend my working life in suburban gardens I don't get into town much so when I do I try to  keep my eyes open, to see what women are wearing.   As we travelled by train I had ample opportunities for my observations.   The first thing I noticed was that there was a lot of leg on display.   The most popular combination last night seemed to be black min skirt, black hose and knee high boots, this look managed to range from the classy and elegant but sexy, through to the "are you sure", the differences are subtle and mostly down to the rest of the look - make up, accessories etc. and of course the fit!   The miniskirts did not seem to be limited to the younger girls either I did notice a couple of very well presented mature ladies carrying off this look with great style and aplomb.   Back in the day Condalessa Rice was known to sport something close to this look.

When George W. Bush's second Secretary of State wore these knee-highs to Wiesbaden Army Airfield in Germany four years ago, the Washington Post's Robin Givhan daydreamed Rice was a "dominatrix," adding, "Rice's coat and boots speak of sex and power — such a volatile combination".

 
Now apart from enjoying seeing "a bit of leg" I was quite struck that this was counter to what I am reading and seeing in the fashion pages where they are all telling us that hemlines are lower, I like hemlines that are either high or low, I'm not a fan of anything in the middle, but generally given the choice I prefer high. In fact I like the whole miniskirt, black hose and boots look, especially when teamed with a nice blouse and tailored jacket, and better still a long coat unbuttoned as a bit of a tease. I think I might get the old black leather mini skirt out a couple more times while it is still cool enough to wear my boots after all.

The other thing I noticed was heel heights, these again seemed to be either high or low - and these days by low I mean non existent!   I rather like the look of ballet flat (almost slippers) especially with
trousers, but I just haven't yet found any that I would be comfortable wearing out.

I have to say that I have found it very difficult finding library pictures to illustrate his post, I have trawled quite a few fashion sites, ad a few Goggle searches and none of them came up with exactly what I have in mind, but some of these are pretty close.   Surprisingly the one of Condalisa Rice is closest, I just have in mind a shorter skirt than a Secretary of state should wear.   Maybe I will have to find a tame model or photographer and get some shots myself.

And yes the title of the post is a blatant attenpt to see what searches are attracted to the blog

A Family Night Out

It's Saturday night and we had a little celebration, it is coming up to a big birthday for my wife so we had to celebrate, during the summer we saw the Spaghetti Western Orchestra play a prom on TV.   We enjoyed it so much that we decided there and then to make sure we saw them live next time they were in London.   Well they are in London at the moment, they are at the QEH (Queen Elizabeth Hall) until Wednesday, we went to their performance tonight.

Perhaps I should explain that they are not a conventional orchestra, indeed five guys play everything  making a much bigger sound than I for one would have thought possible.   This is something that comes across s much better live than on a recording or on TV.   I know that as a musician I may be biased but it is true, live is best, for sound, communication with the performers, for atmosphere, and for enjoyment.

Without a doubt this has got to be one of the best shows I have ever seen, and the only time that I have spent an entire concert with a smile on my face.   By the very nature of the band the repertoire is a little limited but the standard of musicianship and the visual impact of the performance and the production was excellent.   While maintaining their high level of musicianship they also managed to extract music from coat hangers, cereal, an apple and sundry oddities (Jaws harp duet!, ukulele, mandolin, bassoon, harmonica and plenty of others).   My recommendation is to see them as soon as you get a chance, even if you are not a fan of Morricone you will still find plenty to enjoy, they even had my 14 year old daughter singing along to the Good the Bad and the Ugly! I don't think I can beat the description "Genius and Insane in equal measures"

Anyway take a look at their website http://www.spaghettiwesternorchestra.com/  check out the clips and make an appointment to see them live.   I don't think that there are many bands that can entertain my wife, my daughter and me at the same time.

BAPS

The big story in Europe at the moment is all about boobs! A french company manufactured some sub standard implants, and has subsequently gone out of business, leaving women all over Europe not sure of what will happen, read more here http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-16444162

What did come out (on the BBC Radio 4 News Quiz) is that the trade association of cosmetic surgeons is known as the British Association of Plastic Surgeons or BAPS - A small thing but it amused me.

In the eye of the beholder

There's a message in here for all of us

Search me

Along with the blog we get a lot of statistics on how many visitors, where they are from and how they get here, just about everything except for your inside leg measurement.   I have a counter at the bottom of the page showing the total number of visitors, but some of the other items interested me.

The searches that got people here last month were;-

·         Eddie Izzard Breasts                     5
·         Crossdress                                       3
·         Transsexual                                     3
·         Boobs sexy Christmas                   2
·         Karen Gillian style                         2
·         Leather miniskirt                           2
·         “comic strips”                                 1
·         Christianity and cross dressing  1
·         Cross Dressing                               1
·         Femulated Gallery                         1
·         Femulating                                      1
·         Femulators                                      1
·         He’s dressed crossdressed           1

I do wonder how they knew that if I did a strip it would definitely be comic, and just how complemented will Stana be to hear that Femulate has become a well used Google search phrase.   However I am most surprised by the top one, why are people searching Eddie izzard’s breasts, and how far down the list of results did they have to go to get to me!   Out of curiosity I did Google Leather miniskirt and got “about 21,500,000 results (0.22 seconds)”, I went through the first 15 pages and didn’t find Paula’s Place although some other quite interesting results did come up.   Interestingly on the images search a cross dresser does show up on the first row of results, but not me! I quickly went through 40 pages with 15 pictures per page, there were none f me, but there were six or seven of cross dressers, at least three of which were the same girl.

Plump pudding

Over the holiday period I have put on a little weight, nothing to worry about I am sure that as I start working again I shall soon be back to my previous healthy 12 stone.   I'm not so sure that the same can be said for the rest of the family, my daughter is always worried about her weight - I expect that that just goes with being a teenage girl in 2012, but my wife horrified us all by revealing that she now weights one and half times as much as me, given that I am am fairly muscular and around 4 - 5 inches taller this is quite a problem.   She is determined to lose and I want to help in any way I can, but just can't see how.   OK I won't sit down and eat pizza in front of her, or cook with lots of fat and sugar, but there is only so much anyone else can do.

When someone is looking at making this big a change it is quite a daunting prospect, just the thought of how long it will take alone is discouraging.  With everything else we have going on it will be very easy for her to get a bit depressed, in the past her reaction has been so often to eat, so I will have to work on keeping her happy, amongst other things that may well mean taking a step back with Paula, we will see.

So often we say "Family Comes First" this may be one of those occasions when we see if it really does.   I know that once Pandora's box has been opened we can't stuff everything back in but maybe I can slow down the flow a bit.

Too Girly?

Today (Tuesday) I am working from home, as the weather is foul and I can't do much outdoors I am spending the morning on data entry - a monthly contract job I have - on my own.    More accurately perhaps I should say that Paula is working from home.   After my wife left for her office I decided to get dressed, as I am sure you are aware this meant shaving, foundation garments, make-up, nail polish, jewelry (just some "pearls") a dress and "proper" shoes.   So about 90 minutes after I started getting ready I am about to start work.

It struck me how much longer than my wife it took me to get ready for work, she takes about a third of that time, and then I thought about what she wears for work, normally just trousers and a top, along with the essential undies.   No jewelry other than (maybe) ear rings and watch, no make up, ordinary shoes and socks, in fact pretty much what a lot of blokes would wear.   (When I regularly worked in offices I always wore a suit and tie so actually took longer to get dressed than my wife).   I should point out that although my wife is not particularly "girly" she is definitely feminine.   This led me to the thought is what I am struggling to obtain femininity or elegance?

When I have the chance do I glam up to show how feminine I am or to be as elegant as possible?   It is nice to go out in (fem) jeans and a top but that is in comparison to going out in men's jeans and tee shirt, it is more fun to go out wearing a dress.   Now is this because it is more feminine, or more elegant? or maybe it is just that like many of you I so rarely get the chance to wear something pretty that when I do have the chance I grab it.

Well the photo shows me today wearing my new dress, looking quite festive and feeling quite elegant..

A Rose by any other name

Over on her Blog "My Life While Being Stuffed Back in the Closet" Arianwen has an interesting post on how we name ourselves.   Like her most of my life my female side has been anonymous, this was fine since she never met anyone, pretty much staying locked in.   I felt as though my taste for female garments was something "dirty" something I was ashamed of and naturally kept quiet about.   The advent of the Internet made me begin to understand that I was not alone, at first I would just look around at some of the sites on line.   It must be said that some of these sites did nothing to make me change my mind about the activity being "dirty".   I'm sure most of you are aware of the sort of site I am talking about - their existence is one of the reasons I am determined that Paula's Place stays "nice"

Anyway I digress, it was when I decided to join and start contributing to on-line fora that I found I needed a name.   I had experimented with a few I had been Babara on Second Life, I had fooled around with Emerald, but these seemed a bit too exotic, too rich for everyday use.   So how to choose, maybe adopt a name from one of my heroines, like Prudence (Prue Leife), Jackie (Jacqueline du Pre) or Anne (McCaffrey) but none of these seemed to fit, me.   Now because we grow up with the name that our parent's gave us we rarely think about whether it fits, we are just familiar with it, we become used to it, answering to it, signing it, it just becomes part of us, so choosing a new one is difficult.   As I was registering to join a forum I had to make a decision and make it fast, it needed to be a female name and one that no other member had already taken (rules of the forum) I just used one of the feminine versions of my male name.   Somehow I quickly became comfortable with this, and have been using it ever since.   When I think about the alternative version - Pauline - somehow just would not fit me, Paula does.   To a certain extent our views of a name are always clouded by people we have known with that name

What interests me here is that since having a name my female persona has become a person, she is developing her own personality, her own tastes and slowly her own style.   There are things that Paula does that Paul doesn't and vice averse,   Paula drinks Latte not Cappuccino, white wine rather than beer, wears mauve and pink rather than greens and browns, black shoes not brown.  This all sounds a little superficial, yet I think t is an indication of something more fundamental.   Since giving Paula a name she has developed as a person, this is just one of the reason why she needs to express herself to the world.

Edited for spelling

The New Year, New Challenges, New Situations.....

I have another blog concerning a different and quite separate aspect of my life, today I put up one of my occasional posts explaining some of my personal situation at the moment.   I can't think of a better way of putting it than I did so I have copied it here.

I spent a (very) little time in our garden today, amongst the dead leaves I haven't cleared up, all the weeds and shaggy grass we do have some flowers. In fact we have quite a few flowers out, at the moment Winter Jasmin, Cyclamen, Primulas - not too weird eh? we also have daffodils and roses out, now that's just not right!

I know this has been a weird year as far as weather goes, we have had a daffodil out on new year before, but I think this is the first time I have seen a pink rose flowering through winter Jasmin.

I start back at work tomorrow, nothing scheduled but plenty to get on with, then there is a shed to mend and on Friday I start what will be the biggest job I will have undertaken since starting the business. Starting off I have a fair bit of clearing to do, then we will be putting in a large deck and finishing off with a paved area. I will be doing this job more or less in reverse ideally I would start with the paving then the deck, but the layout of the garden dictates the order. This is a big job and I will be putting a lot of work into it, and maybe a few posts as well.

On a personal level my wife had to be rushed into A & E the other day and will have to go into hospital for an urgent opp within the next 10 days. At any moment she could get the call to go, she will then have to stay in Hospital for at least a week, and will then have to be off work for a further three weeks or so. All in all it looks like we're in for a busy start to the year.

With all this going on I don't see that I will be getting much Paula time, or indeed much time at all so I may not be posting quite as frequently as I would like to, if I miss a couple of days I'm sure you will understand.   I will attempt to carry on my practise of preparing a few posts in advance so I have something in reserve.   Anyway if you pass by and don't see anything new, please come back as i will be posting up dates when I can.   Some will be short and some may well just be copied cartoons or pictures, but if we can get through January OK I'm sure things will start to get better again.

Or your Dad's

Click to enlarge

All Around the World

The other day we watched "around the Word in 80 days" not the good one with David Niven and Shirley MacLean, but that dreadful travesty with Jackie Chan and Steve Coogan.   You may gather that I didn't think much of the film despite the efforts of  Jim Broadbent and quite a few classy cameos it is just not very good.

Anyway my interest was piqued, not so much by the scene where Steve Coogan and Jackie Chan have to dress as women to evade capture - standard jokes there - but what I did notice was the subsequent references to this scene, as something "a bit naughty" but fun.   Towards the end of the film with several luminaries of the British establishment there is a reference to wearing women's clothing and several "knowing" looks are exchanged.   There was a definite suggestion that this was something that the all understood, and probably did, nothing was said and maybe I am reading too much into this, but, as with so many other things it makes me wonder just how many men do wear women's clothes to some level or another.

It is a shame that by the very nature of the activity it would be next to impossible to gather meaningful data on just how many men dress and to what extent, but I strongly suspect a lot more than is evident.