Paula's Place

Paula's Place

Thursday, 30 January 2014

Lots of dresses

The Telegraph does love their lists, the latest to catch my attention is their pick of Paris, with 20 Haute Couture dresses "to die for" now some of these are quite nice to look at, as long as the wearer is that "perfect shape" but quite frankly I can't see one of them that I would actually wear.    That is of course allowing for the simple fantasy that I could either afford the or have a suitable occasion.

I suspect that the root is that designers are not showing dresses in Paris that are made for girls like me, I may be around the ideal height for one of their models, but I am not the ideal build or indeed the ideal age.

For those of us who cannot bare our shoulders without looking like builders, do not wish to display the wobbly bits at the top of our thighs and wish our underwear to stay hidden I think we will stick to the ever faithful Little Black Dress.

Once again this morning I have been greeted with enough rain to stop me going out to work, so I will be making a couple of repairs to one of my own little black dresses so that I a ready for my next concert with LGSO on the 16th February.   I do have a couple of performances before that, one for a valentines day ball, since I have yet to get a better offer, and another which is more of a public play through, and to be honest on that one I'm not sure who is going to be playing the bass trombone, him or her.

Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Because this works both ways

Cyrsti's Transgender Condo: So Simple, So Powerful, So Sad

Tuesday, 28 January 2014


As seems to happen so often, this morning there was a conversation on the radio about work/life balance.   Now I don't really get this I do not have a life that is separate to my work, nor do I have work that is separate to my life.   House work to me is work but it is unfortunately part of my life, as is playing and practising music doing gardens, building and mending fences, shopping cooking and washing up.   So far I have only found people who will pay me for some of these, but does that mean that those things I am paid for are work and the others are life?

I enjoy gardening, indeed that's why I do it after all I am sure I could earn more money doing something else.   I used to make my living playing music but that ever felt as much like work as driving to the gigs did.   I suppose the thought is that we are not meant to enjoy our work, so it becomes separate from the things we do enjoy, that seems to me to be rather sad.

I think we would be better off considering life balance, whatever it is we do to earn money we need too set aside time to rest, sometimes we need to rest from the things we love doing but do not get paid for, sometimes we even need to have time away from the people we love.   This is about balance, I think including the word "work" puts the whole thing out of balance.

But then maybe that's because I enjoy my work, or possibly because I'm out of balance.

Monday, 27 January 2014

It's not a gong, it's a tam-tam

great rehearsal last night with the LGSO, we spent the whole evening concentrating on the wonderful Enigma Variations.   I love Elgar, I know some dismiss his talents as "cowpat music", well I suppose they are entitled to their opinion, even if they are wrong.

I was reminded of story from my dim and distant youth, I got it a bit wrong, but with a little research I think I may have it right now. Back in the days when I was still a "Yuff" I played in the Croydon Youth Philharmonic Orchestra, we were a pretty good outfit, indeed for their first series of Great Orchestras of the World the BBC choose us as the Youth Orchestra, while I was with them I played for Sir Arthur Bliss, and with Lady Barbirolli, we also had some pretty impressive tutors such as both the Civil brothers Godfrey Kneller and other experienced professionals and up and coming stars.   One of the more impressive tutors was James (Jimmy) Blades.   By the time we knew him he was already a little old man (to us teenagers anyway) so it was interesting to juxtapose the man we knew with the J Arthur Rank image!

Anyway to get back to the Enigma, in variation 13 there is a section where the Timpani is asked to play with side drum sticks, the idea is to emulate the distant sound of engines on a cruise ship or liner.    Apparently it is very difficult to achieve the desired effect so percussionists quickly came up with the idea of playing this roll with a pair of Old Pennies.   I'm not so old as to remember this by the time I first came to play the piece we had gone decimal and 50p pieces were being used.   Jimmy quipped that the way inflation was going he had already started teaching his students to use £1 notes!   Last time I played the enigma I checked behind me to see the timpanist was using two £2 coins

Sunday, 26 January 2014

Snow Coach

A while back I wrote about my first concert with a "civilian" orchestra as Paula, I was very excited about it and thoroughly enjoyed myself, and hope that I will be asked back.   I just hope that I will be asked back to play with them again.

This is a clip from that concert, unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your point of view you can't see me and my little tuba in the shot of the orchestra.

Saturday, 25 January 2014

Entirely Appropriate

Yesterday was a notable day for many reasons, it was my wife's birthday, the first one since she left, I wasn't sure whether to send a card or not, in the end I decided not, but that was probably wrong.   It was also the day that Grayson Perry was invested as a Commander of the Order of the British Empire by Prince Charles.   Grayson Perry wore a tasteful blue dress suit and wide brimmed hat, Prince Charles wore the uniform a of an Admiral.   A Buckingham Palace spokesperson said that Grayson's clothing choice "was entirely appropriate"  I have to agree.

I thin Clare looks lovely, I also find that I am reassured that it is more important to dress appropriately for the occasion, and maybe age that it is for gender.

So now I have to decide what clothing choice is going to be entirely appropriate for tonight's group meeting.

It's Tonight

Tonight is the first meeting of Trans Pals

This is a new group designed for those who are more reluctant to go out in public, to give them confidence, help and advise, oh yes and to have some fun.

We meet between 7 and 10 pm on the last Saturday of the
month, starting January 2014, at:
St Stephen’s Church
Warwick Road
Thornton Heath

TRANS PALS provides a safe environment for transsexuals,
cross-dressers or intersex, whether you are male or female.

If you are in the area please come along, I know that there are a lot of guys and girls out there who are frightened to come out at all, this will be a safe opportunity to meet others exchange ideas and thoughts in a safe, confidential setting, and yes have a bit of fun!

Friday, 24 January 2014

I'm Still Standing

Just a quickie to let you all know that I am still alive, and standing. more later

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

I'm an err..........

A while back I wrote of how the use of an inappropriate pronoun knocked my self confidence, when this has happened (either way) I have assumed that it was down to a flaw in my presentation.   The other day I was out and about in boy mode, popped into a charity shop and found a couple of jumpers I liked, one from the ladies' rack and one from the men's rack, I took them up to the counter where the cashier and the manager were having a it of difficulty with something, the manager looked up at me and said to her volunteer "Hold on a moment while I serve this, err person"   It's the first time I've be called an err person!

Monday, 20 January 2014


Some mornings I have a real problem getting started, part of it is knowing what I a going to do first, part of it is lethargy (possibly depression related) and part of it is natural idleness.

Well I have been trying to get into the habit f making morning appointments as if I know someone is relying on me turning up I am better at making the effort to get started.   This morning (Monday) I had no appointments but plenty t be getting on with.   As I drove the van home last night I noticed a disconcerting noise from under the bonnet, it was dark and I couldn't see any cause so limped carefully home and parked up.  This morning I went out to the van and found I had a flat tyre! I know it was OK when I parked, so I set about changing it only to find that I have lost the special tool I need to get the spare out of it's cradle.    I managed to pump up the old tyre enough to get me to the Tyre place and have it fixed, but this didn't help with the noise.

So next stop was the garage, nothing too serious, it's the alternator drive belt but this still needs to be done, so Tuesday she goes in to have a new belt fitted.   All this when I am really short on the financial front and could do with working every day and no spending any money.   I think I should be OK for a couple of short journeys so at least I can get rid of a load of waste and pick up some supplies for a job I have in hand

These really arn't the sort of things I thought I had signed up for when I became a self employed gardener

Cashing the Cheque

I gather that today is Martin Luther King Day, now this is not a big deal over here in the UK but I gather it is much bigger in the USA where he is quite rightly honoured and respected.    He was a figure who represented freedom for all, OK his articular emphasis was on the Black American and how they were treated at that time, but what I read in his speeches applies equally to all.

Part of the famous "I have a dream" speech that always strikes me

When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds." But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt

Can the gay, and trans Americans even now say that the cheque has been paid?

I know that as I am no American and so maybe I should not be commenting but, whether we like it or not America is the leader of "The Free World" ~ however unfree so may feel ~ and I still refuse to believe that the Bank of Justice is bankrupt.

A full transcript of the speech can be found here

Sunday, 19 January 2014

How Much?

I'm little odd, I know that is true in just so any ways, but the way I am thinking of right now relates to weight.   Most people seem to put on some weight over Christmas and the New Year and lose it again in January and February.   I was congratulating myself over not putting on weight over Christmas only to find that during January I have put on nearly half a stone (7 lbs for the Americans and just over 3 kg for anyone in the 21st Century).   Now I know that this is hardly anything to worry about, but it takes me to over 12 stone (168 lb 76 kg) and that is a bit of a magic number to me, I don't want to be over 12 stone.    I can actually feel a bit of "chub" around my waist and although I am a long way from having any clothes that don't fit I don't want to let it get any worse.

I won't be dieting and I won't be joining a gym, I may just be a little more careful about how many crisps and biscuits I eat, and make sure I am taking some exercise every day, even when I'm not working.

This does all high light a strange relationship I have with units of measurement, in most things I am quite happy using SI units (metric) in many ways I tend to think in meters, kilograms and litres, I adapt quite happily to Kilometres and Kilometres per Hour, however there are some adjustments I struggle with.   I can only relate to fuel consumption in Miles Per Gallon, even though I never buy petrol or diesel in anything except litres, and people are always weighed in stone.  

A while back I tried to explain our old currency system to my daughter, telling her about how there were 12 pennies in a shilling and 20 shillings in pound, she though this odd, but when I went on to explain the notes and coins we had the incredulity just grew. Four farthings or two ha'pence in a penny, then the many sided threepenny bit, the sixpenny bit or "tanner" two of which equalled a shilling or "Bob". The two bob bit, or florin and then the wonderful Half Crown which was two and six (are you all keeping up at the back?), now we did have the half crown but crowns were not in general circulation but could be bought specially like sovereigns.   Since the half crown was the biggest coin we had ten shilling notes, pound notes, five pound note (fivers) and ten pound notes, I don't remember seeing anything bigger than a ten note before we went decimal.   Of course guineas were in regular use but there was ot a note or coin ~ thank goodness!   Needless to say I rejoiced when we abandoned this ludicrous system and adopted our current decimal currency.   Until very recently I expected the UK to join the Eurozone, but that now looks increasing less likely.

Friday, 17 January 2014


Listening to the news the other day, first we had lurid details of the Dave Lee Travis sexual abuse case then there was more on the rape case against William Roache, the Coronation Street actor, this was followed by a piece about Lord Rennard the Lib Dem Lord who has been accused of sexual harassment   Finally we got the the verdict of the Peterborough Sex ring trial.   This all seemed like an awful lot of sex, and we still have more to come, the experts tell us that there are many more of these "sex rings" around the country, indeed Police are investigating several other cases in Peterborough alone.   On top of all that we still have all the fall out from the Saville situation, including Rolf Harris (ROLF HARRIS!) being charged.

I wondered how much of this reporting is simply prurient voyeurism, how much is that there is simply mre abuse than there used to be, or perhaps more to the point is there a changing attitude as to what is, and what is not acceptable.   With many of these high profile cases it seems that  at the time the offender was thought to be inviolate, and that the women, or girls, involved should "not make a fuss".   Casting my mind back to the 1970s I can remember situations that would now be considered as sexual abuse, but at the time were thought of as "just a bit of fun".

As a woman, and parent of a teenage girl I trust that there is a change in attitude, that she will grow up in a safer, fairer world.   Let's all do what we can to make that the case.

On a more frivolous note while checking the links on the BBC news I found this item, enjoy Printing Knickers

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Shopping, and stuff

Men buy clothes because they need them
Women buy clothes because they like them
T Girls buy clothes because they can

Well I'm being very good and have been (manfully?) resisting the temptations to buy things, and particularly clothes, that I definitely do not need.   My wardrobe is already much fuller than I could ever justify, and given that this is my leanest tie of year, I have to tell myself that I can't buy clothes!   I do believe that I have now actually got to the point where I could have a choice of outfit for any given situation, so there is no way I can now say that "I need......."   Of course there are always a few things that I would like, but other things have to be higher on my spending priorities, things like the Mortgage and Income Tax.

Coming home by bus the other night after a nice evening out with my friend I found myself on the same bus as a couple of girls I had a pleasant little exchange with a the bus stop.   We continued to chat for a bit about this and that, and then a little about our Churches ~ one of the girls then gave me an invitation to a Christian Conference being held locally at the Fairfield Hall.   I' not sure whether I will go or not, it is being held on what is already a busy weekend for me, but I was particularly impressed since the the conference is titled "Lady to Lady 2014"   Either they are very liberal for evangelicals or it was darker than I realised.

And finally back to my shopping theme; as always seems to happen when I have least funds machines go wrong, my strimmer broke it's drive shaft and my chain saw has been playing up.   The strimmer I have to replace, and will be picking up the new one tomorrow after winning an E-Bay auction.   The chain saw is repairable, but I needed a new diaphragm for the carburettor.   The manufacturers do not produce spare diaphragms, or rebuild kits, no you have to buy a whole new replacement carburettor!   What I should have been able to fix for pennies will now cost me over £30, not much less than a whole new saw.

Monday, 13 January 2014


I often write about how much I have been enjoying playing with the LGSO.   It's not just that they have given me the opportunity to perform as Paula, they are a really great bunch of guys and girls, one of the friendliest orchestras I have ever played with, we eat, drink and make friends across sections, something that is surprising unusual in amateur orchestras.   Although the orchestra was formed to serve the LGBT community in London, it is not exclusive and there are some straight members as well, simply because it is such fun.

The other thing that does have to be said is that it is a good orchestra.   Many of the members are either professional musicians or work in some aspect of "the business", I am not aware of a demand for a minimum standard, but the level of musicianship and technical competence is much higher than any suburban orchestra I have yet come across, this allows us to play some pretty challenging repertoire and our excellent MD (Christopher Braime) to get the best out of the music.

It's not long now till our next concert on the 16th February, in the mean time here is a YouTube clip from out last (Christmas) concert, we are playing Sleigh Ride, but not the ubiquitous Leroy Anderson one, this is Delius

The other thing I really, really like is that I must be just about the oldest member of this orchestra, I always worry about any group I go into and lower the average age, well that doesn't happen here.   At the last rehearsal I attended I looked at the rest of the section and speculated that my trombone was the second eldest thing there, I'm too nice to ask the guys their age but I think I must be more than twenty years older than the other three in my section, and I suspect that there can only be one or two others who are even over 40 in the whole orchestra.   Orchestral music is alive, kicking and still being played by vibrant young people!

Sunday, 12 January 2014

Saturday Night's all right

Last night we had a meeting of our local group, great fun and really good to catch up with some friends I haven't seen for a while, even if some of the news was rather sad.   We had a pleasant time quite a few drinks and lots of chat.

I think I may be growing up a bit, I could have worn just about anything, and in the past I have been known to abandon modesty in favour of fun.   On the basis that we are all trans to some extent and that however well we may or may not pass as individuals as a group it is pretty obvious who and what we are, so why not wear the more outrageous outfits.   last night I was anything but outrageous, with jeans and a nice sweater, even my boots were quite restrained, having said that I was very happy with how I looked and was very comfortable in my skin and and warm enough with the awful weather.   A more modest outfit also meant that travelling by bus was more practical, and therefore I could enjoy a few more glasses of wine!

I was a nice evening, I had a lot of fun, I passed on my clip on earrings that I no longer wear, I even enjoyed the public transport journeys!

I have had a lot of opportunity for introspection recently and it has done me good to be out with my friends

Thursday, 9 January 2014

Where am I?

It was so nice today, the sun was out the temperature was manageable and I could get on with some proper gardening.   I started off struggling to get up, and then getting started required a positive effort of will, but once started it was one of those days when I remember why I do this.   At one point while I was pruning a lilac tree and basking in the sunshine I was almost mobbed by a flock of parakeets, I had to remind myself that I was in Sidcup in January!

I don't often dream of being somewhere else, but when ever I go to Sidcup I always imagine myself carrying on down the A20 to Dover, catching a ferry and keeping going until I find a nice little hotel in a nice little French village, with a nice restaurant and bar.   Today was no exception, but I was quite happy to stay there and get on with my work, indeed it was probably a lot more fun that driving for six or seven hours.

I am now kicked back relaxing after a nice dinner of roast winter vegetables and sausages, a few glasses of red wine and watching the film King Arthur with Clive Owen, Keira Knightley and the beautiful Ioan Gruffudd, despite all of it's historical and mythological inaccuratecies I pretty good film, so all in all not a bad day.

Wednesday, 8 January 2014

Rain Reigns

I don't like to complain, but, it has been raining an awful lot just recently!   I feel I shouldn't be complaining because so many people have it so much worse than me.   Lots of people have been flooded out, washed away, roofs off, trees and fences down.   My home is fine, and since I live on the side of a hill the water runs past, but I am getting well and truly fed up with all this rain.

The other day I was repairing a fence that had come down in the wind, I had to put in some new posts, and decided to dig new post holes.   Well, I thought I was digging post holes I actually seemed too be digging wells, although it was a nice dry day there was so much ground water that they filled up with water within minutes.   The ground was totally saturated, nearby there was standing water on the fields as the ground is so wet the water has nowhere to drain to.   Since then we have had several days of more rain.   How can there be so much water still falling, it is currently rattling against the windows and pounding on the roof, and I still have three more fences to repair and a couple of shed roofs to mend!   Adding to the problems I find that all my local timber merchants are out of stock of 6 x 6 fence panels!

Of course at my age the biggest personal risk is rust, but my major concern is that having been blessed with a decent amount of work, I need to get it done, if only the rain would stop and let me get on with it.

Tuesday, 7 January 2014


This my horoscope from the frisky for the year ahead, I think I may come back to this later in the year to check on it. Of course like all of these things it is couched in such tones that pretty much what  ever happens I could be said to have been accurate, or inaccurate equally.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Don’t let anxiety make your decisions. Time to stop projecting a worst-case scenario future and/or dwelling on the most dismal parts of your past. Your inner demons will have as much power as you want to give them, but you can easily ignore their presence, if you wish. In 2014, scary notions will enter your mind frequently and fiercely, making you have to face fears in a more dramatic way. Go with it, because the truth will unlock positive changes you were hesitant to grab a hold of. Your free will will have everything to do with how 2014 ends up, so know you will reap what you sow.
2014 Major Areas Of Change: Aspirations, social connections and intimacy.
This is the offering for this week, I think I can pretty much rest my case, in most things seeking instant gratification is rarely without consequences.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)No matter how horny you get and how enticing someone’s bod might be, hold your fire. Hopping on any hot thing now may bring you instant gratification, but there will be consequences and they won’t be pretty. This is the time to wait it out until you know you have a safe bet.
Luckiest Day: Friday, January 10
If like me and Cyrsti you choose to you can check your own 'scope here

Feeling Old, but Good

I worry about any group I go into and lower the average age, I am now past that certain age that can be described as a "certain age", Gravity has taken it's toll, as has wind rain and sun.   Now I keep my legs permanently shaved I find that they look better in thicker, or coloured tights (helps to cover up the loads of little spidery veins).   My hair has been grey for so long that I'm not too sure what the original colour was.   Having said all that I feel pretty good, in any ways I actually feel pretty much the same way I did when I was 25, the main difference is that I now feel much greater freedom to be me.

At last nights rehearsal I suddenly realised that y trombone was the second oldest thing in the section, sometimes it's frightening how young some of my friends are, I find myself telling them about Doctor Who episodes aired before they were born, somehow it is hard to remember how long ago the 1980s were, I find it hard to understand that adults could be born that recently!   There are advantages to getting older, not least the knowledge that other peoples opinion of you matters a lot less than your own.

Sunday, 5 January 2014

Out and About

So much for all the introspection, how about some of what has been going on in my life recently, well I have as they say been out and about quite a bit, since in my last post I mentioned that I have come out to two friends, this is interesting one is a male friend of long standing, I had already had the discussion with his wife and as expected he was pretty cool with the whole thing, asked a couple of questions, listened to the answers and appears to have decided that it's no big deal, I expect he will take his time think about it and either ask any questions that come up, or maybe not even mention it again.   I do not expect him to joyously embrace Paula, that is not what I was after, but I a pleased to have told him, he is a good friend and deserves to be trusted and told, I do not really want my friends finding out, I want to tell them.

I also talked to a female friend of ours from Church, I have been quite intimate with both her and her husband for many years, and once again I waned to be the one to tell her.   In this case I also wanted to make it clear that my wife had cause to leave me, I do not want people thinking, "How could she leave that nice man like that".   I was very pleased that she was very understanding, asked interesting questions and listened to the answers.   I have been very impressed with the acceptance of the Church members I have told, so far there has been no criticism or condemnation at all.   While I suspect that this will not always be the case, so far so good.

Well that's out, I have also been about a bit, no maybe I should rephrase that.... On Friday night I met up with my good friend S for a drink in Croydon.   We met up in the Spread eagle in Croydon, we thought we might go somewhere else after meeting up, but we had a nice comfy table, it was quiet warm and the beer was good so we stayed there.   We actually stayed there for quite a while, a little longer than I had planed, but it was a very nice evening.   I wore my mauve skater dress with knee boots, and S was very complimentary about how I looked, which always does a girl good.   I was a little amused that S was drinking pints while I kept to ladylike halves!

I also played at a New Year's eve, eve Masked Ball, I didn't join in, but just limited myself to playing and then stayed in the green room and had a drink with a of the few others there.   This was fun, sometimes it's nice to just be out with friends.   I find these days that it's so much nicer to be out as me than to maintain the pretence that sometimes I wonder how much longer I can maintain the act.   But then there is always a situation just round the corner where it would not be appropriate.

Must go now, got to get ready for a rehearsal with the LGSO

Friday, 3 January 2014

Looking Forward

Last year was a mixed one, and I see no reason why 2014 will be any better, whatever, it will be very, very different.

I am not making any resolution, but I do have a few aspirations, primarily to be as authentic as possible as often as possible.   That of course means living up to by claim to be transgendered, that is not just going out dressed, it means admitting to friends and family, owning my femininity, possibly publicly.

No sure how much of this makes sense, but I have started the year how I plan to continue and have already (during 2014) come out to two friends, both were pretty cool about it and reacted pretty much as anticipated.   I am enormously encouraged that everyone I have told so far is accepting, so that shoudl reassure me that over the next year I should expect to get some acceptance.

Looking Back ~ Part 2 Out of Control

One of the reason I didn't do too well with my resolutions last year was that they were confused, I thought I was in control but of course we are very rarely in control of much of our lives.

I am not in control of my business, like most businesses I am reliant on customers, but I am also reliant on the weather, this year they have both been pretty good to me.   I have been working pretty much all year, I always seem to have had plenty to do and have managed a good deal of it.   There have also been a couple of jobs that have been very satisfying on a creative level as well business and horticultural levels.   Despite all that, I am still in serous financial do~dos.   So business wise a pretty good year, financially mixed.

I have found that I am not in control of much of my personal life ~ sometimes we deceive ourselves that we are in control, but the way my own personal life has in so many ways plummeted out of control this last year has confirmed that while we may have some small areas of control in fact we are subject to the will of others, and if there is such a thing fortune.

I may have some control over how well I play my music, but I am dependent on being asked, as a lowly (sic) tuba and bass trombone player I am reliant on orchestras requesting my services.   In this respect it has been a much better year than I have had for some time, but I would still like to do more, and it would be nice to be paid occasionally!

So, much of my life is out of my control, at the whim of others, a hostage to fortune.   Well if I cannot be in control, then at least I can choose who is, and I choose to hand that control over to God, I pray that over this coming year God will guide me, protect, love and cherish me, bring me out of debt, and fulfil His plans for me.   I have some plans, but I know that His are much better.

Wednesday, 1 January 2014

Looking Back 1

Yes it's that time year, the tie when we look back over the last year and see how we have done, did we live up to our aims, what did we do right and where did we go wrong.   Try to assess the bad as well as the good, and through that try to see where we go next.

Just over a year ago I listed six resolutions so lets see how I did

  1. To achieve solvency - Fail, I am slightly less broke than I was a yea ago, but still up to my (very nicely shaven) armpits in it.
  2. To take of one day each month solely for my own edification - Fail I have been to some very good and interesting exhibitions, but I have not managed the regularity I had hoped for, I will continue to try to do this as when I do I do find it helps.
  3. To spend quality time with my wife, to restore our relationship and to get better at communicating - Fail, big time on every count.   I gave up conducting my local Brass Band to have more time, somehow it was never going to be enough, I think I never really understood what our relationship was actually based on, and the only thing that we have managed to communicate between us is that my wife no longer wants to be with me.   well as they say some you lose, and some you lose.
  4. To enjoy Paula, but not let her take over - not sure how I have done here, a year ago I knew Paula was an important part of me, a part I could not suppress but was fearful that she might take over and that somehow I would lose some of what is the essential me.   I was not prepared to kill off Paul to allow Paula to take over.   I have spent a lot more time as Paula, I have enjoyed that time, as always I have felt a sense of loss when I have cleaned off the make up and got changed, I don't think this is about the clothes or the make up, I think it is about me being authentic.   For a long time now I have been saying that this is not something I do, it is something I am.   I am now reassessing what that means, what it means to be trans gendered, and more to the point what it means to me.   I think that I no longer spend time as Paula, I am just as much (or possibly more) Paula as I am Paul it's just that sometimes I wear different clothes.   Now I need to work out what if anything I am going to do about it.
  5. To perform as Paula - yeh at last I can put up a big Success! I have played with the LGSO on several occasions, I have played with the LSW band and more recently I have played with the Pelly Orchestra.   In many, many ways these concerts have been the highlights of my year.
  6. To play more music - some success, I have been listening more I have managed to retune y radios so that on occassion they will now play Radio 3 and Classic fm, but there is just so much music and so little time.
So some limited success, the previous year I managed to achieve five out of my six resolutions, maybe I set the bar too high.

Getting to the point

I have just got home after playing at a special New Years celebration service at our Church, it was a very lively service and we "really rocked it"  This was a rare opportunity for me to play the electric bass, a definite change from all he very straight orchestral music I have been playing on my more favored instruments recently.   I am resisting New Year's resolutions but I do know I want to play the Bass more, I can't see when or how I will manage it but it would be good to have a fairly regular band that I could play with and develop in this idium, of course it would be even better if I could do it as Paula.

Any way I am rambling and as I do so often digressing as well, what I wanted to say was having got home I have chilled out a little with a glass of wine, and have sat back and enjoyed a bit of Jools Holland's Hootenanny I have now fired up the old laptop, wasted too much time on Facebook.    You will probably know how much time it is possible to waste on Facebook, well with two identities it is possible to waste twice as much time, there I go again wandering away onto something else, all I wanted to say was