I have only been away for a couple of days, but there is so much to catch up with. To my shame I did leave some washing up to be done, and now I have giant pile of laundry to d as well. I also realise just how addicted I have become to on line comics, blogs and Face Book. If I were stuck in doors all the time on my own maybe this would be more understandable, but I do have a life, indeed I probably have enough for two or three.
I have work to do in my garden and around the house, I have too go to the bank, take down the Christmas Tree, do some practise before this evenings rehearsal, set up a couple of meetings and write up a couple of quotes. Yet I know that if I do not make myself do it I will happily waste hours sat at my computer. I wonder if I gain some feeling of self worth by the number of hits I get here at Paula's Place, if some how I feel more validated if people "like" my Face Book post. These thoughts are prompted by Rebecca's post on "With and Open Heart" where she writes about that feeling of not being good enough.
This is a problem that many of us will have experienced. A lot of self analysis tells me that in my case its tarted when I was very young, I was always told that I was not as good as my brothers, not as intelligent, not as good at sport, not as good a singer, in short never good enough. Add to this my Mother's inability to show love and my fathers regular absence due to work I grew up feeling rejected and unworthy. I have always done reasonably well at anything I have done, I was reasonably good academically, I was reasonably good at my chosen sport, and I am a reasonably good musician, yet I have always had the feeling at the back of my mind that one day I was going to be found out.
This feeling was always strongest playing music, every time I went on stage I would be nervous, not about my level of performance, I have always understood my technical ability, no I was nervous that I would be "found out" that somehow I was not a real musician and didn't have a right to be there on the platform with all these other "real musicians". I think that these feelings I think that these feelings insinuated themselves into every aspect of my life, I would often deliberately aim low to avoid the possibility of failing, and of course this would mean that I never fully achieved my potential.
My fear of rejection would mean that I would always try to do and be what I thought other people wanted, I think that this is one of the reasons that I was so frightened of living my live authentically, indeed of even admitting to myself never mind anyone else that I might have "Gender Issues" The very idea of going off on a tangent on my own, of publicly owning up to being different was to court rejection, to admit to being not god enough, it was simply not an option.
It was only when I began to understand who I am as a chosen, adopted child of God that I started to realise who I could become. God's love tells me that I am good enough, good enough for him to love me, good enough to be worth saving, good enough to be welcomed to his table. Understanding that I can then begin to understand that I have as much right too be on that stage as anyone else. I have the right, indeed the responsibility to be fully the person God made me.
I may not be the best musician, gardener or writer in the world, and I never will be, but I can be the best me in the world. Now I know Gods love I can start to love myself and work at being me.