In the Zone

So this is it the final day of the A - Z challenge,, and quite possibly the hardest to stick to the plot.   There are a couple of stories in the news today that I want share.   The first is quite big news for nerds everywhere, the announcement of the cats for the next Star Wars film.

As one of those rather sad people who has watched everyone of the sequence so far during their first cinema release this is indeed big news for me.   It also looks like the original casting concept has been adhered to with some established film stars, some new(ish) faces taking on lead roles, and a proper European Actor to add a bit of class.   This time  suspect that they will be able to pay Max Von Sydow, unlike Alec Guinness in Episode IV who had to accept a share of the profits  as they couldn't afford his fee.   I think Sir Alec did OK out of that deal.   Reportedly because of the sequence of the filming he had no idea what the film was about, just that he was playing some sort of old spiritual guru.   However it was achieved I think we will have to agree that the outcome worked!

The other news item that caught my attention this morning was a small "and finally"  piece on the Today Program about the American Samoa Football Team.   I don't like football (soccer) and I didn't even release that there was such a country as American Samoa but two things caught my attention, First this is probably the worst international football team, if not the worst international sports team that there is.   But they don't want to be, they have brought in a professional Dutch coach who is helping turn them round, while everyone involved remains adamant that they stay a proper amateur set up playing simply for the love of the game. Now even when I don't love the game, I love that attitude! after being beaten 31 - 0 by Australia, Australia! not Austria or Spain or France, but Australia! they could just have given up and gone home, but they decided to fight on and to try to win a game in the World Cup qualifying rounds.

To help them win they have recruited a new player that guarantees them a world record.   Jaiyah Saelua will be the first Trans Gender player to take part in a FIFA match.

Unsurprisingly I am struggling to find a way of combining these two stories into a post that I can claim is on a Z subject.   Before listening to the news this morning I had thought about Zonal Pelargoniums; Zebras; Zebra Striped Land Rovers; Zoos; Zebata (I did actually have one once!); Zircon (with reference to Franck Zapper's Zircon encrusted tweezers); Zoot Suit, Zucchini  or even Zulu.

In the end I think I will just have to leave it to you to decide whether or not I am still in the Blogging Zone

You

Sometimes I wonder who you are, you people who come and look at my ramblings, some of you I do know from your comments, and some of you I actually do know.   But most just come, read, maybe look at the pictures and go again.    It is a strange sort of relationship we have, I poor out my heart, my innermost feelings fears and hopes, yet I have little idea of who I am talking to.

Sometimes I also worry about some of you.   I get a report each day telling me how many visitors I get, where they are from what operating system they use and which site they came from.   There is also a note from Google which tells the key search words people use to find me; and I can't help feeling that some of you must be very disappointed.

So far this weeks top search is "Fictionmania" which will take them to this post I penned some time back.   I fear they may be disappointed. Another popular search was "Cross Dresser in Leather Boots" or more bizarrely "blake lively in pantyhose" I hope they were disappointed.   Encouragingly the second most popular search of all time is "Thankyou" which I assume will take you to this, one of my favorite posts (also the first time I featured Betty Boop).

It seems that most of you are from the USA (nearly two thirds) with only slightly under a third of you from here in the UK.   I also have visitors from Canada, Australia, Germany , the Netherlands and as far afield as China, we really are a truly international community.

Whoever you are, however you got here, and wherever you are from I would just like to say

"If you have been ~ Thankyou for reading"

X Marks the Spot

I suspect that many of my fellow Bloggers undertaking the A - Z Challenge will be finding today a bit challenging.   Today we have considerably fewer subjects to chose from, when I started thinking about this I felt that I basically had two choices, X-Chromosome or Xylophone.

Both of these do have a certain pertinence for my day today, this afternoon I have an appointment with my GP to discuss the results of last week's blood test and my possible referral on to the GID Clinic.   To be perfectly honest I was s surprised to get the call asking me to have the blood test that I didn't really establish what I was being tested for.   I think it is just the usual diabetes, cholesterol, and such like rather than anything more specialised, I think that will be done by the clinic in Charring Cross.   At some point some blood tests will be taken to check out things like hormone problems.   I rather hope that they find something "wrong"; it would be a great relief to be told that there is a medical reason why I feel how I do.   Like everyone else on the planet I have at least one X-Chromosome per cell, around half the population have two X and most of the other half have one X and one Y, I can't help wondering if there is something wrong with my balance or my Y.

I very much doubt if I will ever find out but it would make explanations a lot easier and save any of those blame issues.   Of course I have also just blown a perfectly good Y topic!

Later on this evening I will taking a rehearsal for a friend who is away, we will be rehearsing for a concert coming up in a couple of weeks, at least one of the pieces I will be rehearsing there is an important percussion part.   Unfortunately I have just discovered that the percussionist will not be at the rehearsal either, so what ever I do hear tonight it doesn't look as though the xylophone will be one of them.

Wisteria

I went to see my customer earlier, over the last year she has become a friend as much as a customer so it was quite natural that we that we talked about all sorts of things, gardens, mutual friends, families, somehow I also ended up telling her about Paula, as seems to happen so often she was totally unphased, quite positive and very accepting.   Indeed she is already planing to come to the next LGSO concert!

As we talked and looked around the garden I couldn't help noticing a neighbour's wisteria in full glory, this reminded me that Wisley will be looking really good at the moment with really spectacular Wisteria, Camellias, Fritillaria and many others.   If the weather is decent tomorrow I may well take a little trip down the A3 for and make the most of my RHS membership.

Now I'm totally knackered worn out so I'm settled down in front of the telly with a bottle of wine before a much needed early night.

Weekend

Last weekend I threw a "Weekend Wobbly" but today I am going to bask in a peaceful, restful ordinary weekend.   I do want to pop out and see a customer about some work she wants doing, other than that I have noting I have to do, or anyone I have to see at any set time.   This may sound like a normal weekend to many of you, but I can't remember the last time this happened to me.

I have many, many things to do around the house and garden, but I am going to try to be cool with them, they may get done if I feel in the mood, or I may slob out on the sofa in front of the TV.   I have a bottle of wine and a large bag of my favorite crisps and several films recorded, so I am anticipating a totally lazy self indulgent evening tonight, and tomorrow, after Church in the morning, I think I may go and visit one of my favorite pubs.

One of the reasons I am so relaxed about taking time out is that I have just received a rather nice cheque, as compensation for some PPI I bought a few years back.   It is much more than I had anticipated and I now feel rather like Billy Bunter would have if the Postal Order from his Aunt had ever actually arrived.

I have paid off some of my debts and am now going to kick back and enjoy a day or two holiday!

Verily, Verily I say unto you

"Verily, Verily I say unto you he that believeth on me hath everlasting life."   Thank you to the good old King James Bible for that quote.   Last night my daughter and I found ourselves musing on Verity, we had been discussing names, and got onto names with meaning, we have a couple of friends one named Charity, whose son used to be confused that he kept hearing of people giving money to charity but she never seemed to have any, and another called Verity, who despite being a banker I do believe.   Even with names like these my daughter said that she had never really associated the names with their meanings, just with the people who bore them.

A little later we had an opportunity to practise some verity ourselves.   We had planned a night at the movies we were going to see the new X-Men movie, my daughter is heavily into the whole superhero thing, and any film with Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellan can't be all bad.   I booked tickets on line and we made our way to the cinema, as no one was checking tickets we made our own way in and found our seats in a surprisingly empty cinema.   It was only when the film started that we realised that something was wrong, it wasn't X-Men!   I checked, we were in the right cinema, watching the right screen, but we were a little early, we were actually a whole month early! my tickets were for May!



Now we could have exited consoled ourselves with the thought of my stupidity, or we could stay and watch the film.  We stayed and watched the film.   It was a very good film, and one that I wanted to watch anyway. We enjoyed the show enormously, with a cast of Pierce Brosnan, Emma Thompson, Celia Imrie, and Timothy Spall, Love Punch was always going to be good, but we enjoyed the script and some nice James Bond "in jokes" at Brosnan's expense.   It was also good to see good looking people of around my age, acting their age and still being entertaining, glamorous and enjoying life.   There may also have been a couple of little morals slipped in somewhere.   Morals that my daughter and I were clearly lacking.

While I don't think that Vue Cinemas are going to miss our few pounds, yet somehow this added to our enjoyment of the evening, there was a little added thrill, a frisson of excitement from the sheer naughtiness of it all,  but I do have my suspicion that we have compromised our verity, our integrity, it is not the scale of what we do but the thing itself.   I have often opined that breaking, or not enforcing any law undermines the whole body of law, in the same way any small dishonest act undermines our own integrity.

The Bible teaches us that there are no little sins or big sins, just sin, any sin separates us from God and needs to be dealt with, and can only be dealt with through Jesus.   So like David I will have to confess that "Against you, you only have I sinned, and done what is evil in your sight" (Psalm 51:4)

Uncertain

Well, the morning news tells me that the EU have recognised the Cornish as a National Minority Group.   I'm not at all sure how this will impact on us all as a Nation, assuming we stay one Nation, but this morning my first reaction was "If it had been UNESCO I would have had a good U post".   I have a few friends who live in Cornwall and one friend in particular who considers herself to be Cornish, even though she was born in London, who I hope to go and stay with a bit later this year, I hope they will be happy now they are classified as an endangered species.

In France in 2011

We are now on the final laps of this A - Z challenge, but not yet on the ultimate, with some things as you do more the easier it gets, not with this challenge, if I am finding U difficult then X Y and Z are definitely going to be challenging.    I have been toying with a few concepts but have been uncertain which to go with, and so decided that uncertain was a pretty good U for me at the moment.    My life is at a point of flux and I am uncertain which way it is going to go.   A few days ago under my R post I said I was Ready, well I am but I am also uncertain, and just a little frightened.   I am aware that this is a one way journey, and that I am getting close to a point of no return, and I need to consider how this will affect other people as well as me.

Farmers Tan in 2012

Many of my friends are telling me that I should only consider myself, but I believe I need to consider my daughter in all my actions, how will what I choose impact on her life.   She is stridently inclusive in her outlook, but these things can often be different when they are personal, when it is your own father.   I am also uncertain about my wife, my Church, and my customers.   At some point I will need to make these decisions but not just yet.

A couple of months ago

Having said all that even a few months ago I would not have anticipated being in this position at all never mind already.   It seems incredible that it is only a matter of around five years ago that I first started to "come out" as a cross dresser, now I am a confident Transgender woman considering transition.   I am reminded of an old joke in our circles.

"What is the difference between a Cross Dresser and a Transsexual?"
"About five years"

I may well be putting the cart before the horse here as I have not even had a serious consultation with my GP. never mind had my referal to the GID clinic through.   Maybe I should just sit back, relax, enjoy the process and see if, as has happened so often in my life, the decision makes itself when the time comes.

These three photos show something of my progress during that time, who knows how the next few will start to look.

Thank God for Europe (Two for the price of one!)

I had originally planned a  rather weak post for today, as this challenge has gone on I have found some of the days to be very challenging.   T was beginning to look like on of these, so a Ten Things list seemed like a good idea at the time, when you see the ten things at the end of this post I hope you will agree that I was right to change my mind.   It was reading Meg's post here that made me change my mind, as I read this I prayed "Thank you God that I live in Europe"   Where we are protected and allowed to present to ourselves as the  gender we identify.   We do not have legal problems using the appropriate toilets, and can expect protection and respect from the Police.

Even little Malta, (the only country to have been awarded the George Cross so strictly speaking Malta GC) have recently enshrined transgender rights into their constitution.   I hope to be holidaying in Malta for a week later this year, and hope that I may be in a position to take advantage of this tolerance, after all Paula needs a holiday!

---------

Ten things not to say

When asked by your loved one "Does my Bum look Big in This?" do not answer

1. Well it is a small room
2. Which one?
3. I don't think it's the dress
4. Well it distracts attention from your belly
5. Hold on while take a few steps back
6. No, have you gone for a larger size this time?
7. It's better than the dress you wore yesterday
8. mmm maybe you should ask yourself if it makes you feel fat
9. No, but maybe a bit low.
10. Honey your bum would look big in Wyoming

And what you should say is simple "No, you look lovely"

Stockings

Most of us have a complex relationship with stockings, when I wear stockings, as opposed to tights I feel quite different, it feels a little risqué, a little bit dangerous, and the combination of freedom and restriction is of itself quite exciting.   One thing I am sure of is that when I am wearing stockings I never forget them, like I can with just about any other garment.   I am constantly aware of the tug of the garter straps, the nakedness of my upper thighs, the risk of a fastening failing.   With all these issues why would I wear them?   Well I think part of it is the total femininity, part is the styles available, and I suspect that part of it is a left over from the remaining man in me who knows that they are sexy, and so I feel sexy too.

I wonder if it is the idea of availability, of exposure, I have heard it said the the combination of stockings and suspender belt frames the "area of interest".   Like many of these things it may (or may not) be quite complicated and does not really bare a lot of analyses.   I know I do have at least one (male) friend who finds stockings to actually be a bit of a turn off.

I very rarely wear stockings, so it is a special occasion when I do, it has to be said that tights are simply so much more practical, and for girls like me are much better for "containment" purposes.

A while back I bought a job lot of stockings, they are very nice and I have kept a couple of pairs for myself, the rest I have been selling on e-bay.   I have made a little profit, but the emphasis is on the little rather than the profit.   It has been both a learning exercise, and "a bit of fun".   What has interested me is that as far as I can remember every single pair has been bought by a man!

R & R

As in much of the world this is a long bank holiday weekend.   Friday and Monday are both holidays and most people will no have worked on Saturday.    It has not been quite so relaxed for me as I did work on Saturday and I was playing on both Friday and Sunday at different services.    The cumuative effects of the last few weeks ended up with me sleeping on the sofa most of yesterday afternoon, before retiring to bed at around ten O'clock, very early for me.

Rest and Relaxation should constitute an important part of our live styles.   Unfortunately for me many of the things that I do in my spare time are anything but restful.   Every now and then it seems that it is important to just STOP, sit down and take time to do nothing, to relax, veg out on the sofa in front of poor TV.   I don't find this very easy, I tend to be active too much of the time, whether it's work, music or blogging I feel as though I am constantly catching up with myself and feel guilty about time wasted.   I need to persuade myself that time spent unwinding is not wasted, it is valuably spent on restoration.

While trying to restore myself by watching the Grande Prix yesterday afternoon I had a surprise phone call ~ from of all people my Doctor.   I have never had a close relationship with my GP, indeed I would not recognise him if he was not in his office, so I was a little surprised get a phone call asking me to come in for a blood test.   My first reaction was that they had called the wrong person, but no, I need to have some blood tests done prior to my referal to the GID clinic.   Although I am not looking forward to the blood tests or indeed the fasting I will have to do first, I am at least reassured that my referral is progressing ~ however slowly.

So today my R could be renewal; renewal of self through restorative relaxation and renewal of self through Gender reconciliation, but instead my R is ready; I am ready to relax, and I am ready to start out this process, whether it leads to full transition or not.   I have even added a new label to my list, that label I have used for the first time today ~ Transition.