Ah, so that's it

A couple of Brooke McEldowney cartoons for you today, the first from 9 Chickweed Lane just shows the importance of getting all those little things right.   The whole presentation has to be complete, it's not just the dress, everything has to work, the watch, the rings, etc. etc. one of my little foibles is that when I am out dressed I always make sure that I have a dress ring on my left hand ring finger underneath my wedding band, so it looks like my engagements ring, the little things.

The second is from Pibgron, and here I think he has managed to encapsulate what a lot pf people's objection is to what we do.   A nice coherent explanation of a rational thought process.

Boots Bands and bashfull

My favorite shirt

Yesterday I made passing reference to my choice in toe nail colour, at the moment that is bright cherry red.   After the osteopath I had a rehearsal, my friend S plays in the band and paid me a nice little compliment on my shirt.   This is actually my favorite shirt so I was quite pleased.   After the rehearsal in true musician tradition we retired to the local pub for refreshment.

I am actually surprisingly chivalrous, so as S does not drive I usually make sure she has a lift home (single lady on public transport after 11:00 p.m doesn't sound like a good idea to me).   So this week I gave her a lift and just as I was dropping her off she said "Oh yes, and, Cute Boots", (these boots) I was too surprised to say any more than a quick thank you.   Well I think the boots are cute, but have been unsure as to whether I can get away with wearing them while ostensibly in male mode, now I am even more confused. I will be working with S again today (Friday) so I may ask her, something along the lines of, yes I like those boots too, but are the a step too far?

We'll see I may ask, or I may not.   What I would quite like to ask is how about doing lunch one day with Paula?   If I do don't worry you will be the first to know.

All Change

I will be away this coming weekend, and plan to pre prepare enough posts to keep things ticking over.   Of course this does mean that some posts may be less relevant or timely than I would really like, and some could even appear out of sequence.   Please bear with me and I am sure they will all be alright.   I had hoped that I would be able to add an extra day to the weekend and get to see Wells, well that will have to wait for another day.   A job that had been postponed earlier this month as delivery of materials was delayed now has to be done n Monday.

Earlier today I visited my osteopath, I tell myself that this is good business, every six weeks or so I visit the osteopath, get a good pummeling in preparation for the month ahead, and keep working.   One day off with a bad back is worth more than two visits, and if my back goes it normally results in two or three days off as a minimum.   There is also the simple fact that I like it, the massage is very relaxing, and eases my muscles, my joints and my mind.   Today I could have quite happily dosed off on the table as he was working on my back and legs.   One day I may just let myself drift off.   It also has to be said that he is a very nice man (tall dark Australian) who seems quite happy about my choice in underwear and toe nail colour.

Labels

I started writing this as a response to Joe's comment on my last post, when I was starting a third paragraph I realised that it was a bit long for a comment and should probably be a post in it's own right, so here goes,

As with so many things there is a wide spectrum, I only used these labels as I wanted to separate those of us who are only transitory, from those who are permanent or in transition.   One of the troubles with labels is that they mean different things to different people, I am happy calling myself a cross dresser, after all that's what I do, yet I am uncomfortable with transvestite, and am not sure what trans gender really means.   I am beginning to wonder if there is some sort of hierarchy, you know like "they're a transvestite, you're a cross dresser, I'm trans gender"
All of these terms mean basically the same thing, something quite different from who you are, Joe.   I can quite understand that it would be hurtful to be so misunderstood.   I know I was quite hurt a while back while I was taunted as being gay.   There is nothing wrong with being gay it's just that I'm not.   While all of us on this spectrum share some things in common the basic compulsion what drives us, is different, while some activities and techniques may be similar our motivations are very different. I know I am a man born in a man's body, it's just that sometimes I want to look, behave and be treated like a woman ~ sometimes, but I know I am not, and don't want to be permanently., this is very different from wanting to make the outside match the inside.   If you like it is the difference between a hobby and a lifestyle.

For Dougie

When I was at school I had a friend who had trombone lessons with me, he was a couple of years older than me, and was a good trombone player, he later became an RAF pilot and was killed in action during the Falklands conflict, one of the things I will always remember was as a small boy he was obsessed with trains, and he would become one, he didn't play at being a train, he was a train.   Well when I am dressed I am still playing at being a woman, I realise that I don't yet get to that point where I am a woman.   The situation for others is very different and indeed one day it may be for me as well.   So for someone like Joe to crossdress would require him to dress like a woman, and calling him a cross dresser is to totally misunderstand his situation, that is why it is hurtful, but we throw these labels around quite easily without fully realising or understanding how they are appropriate or what they really mean.

Sorry this is a little rambling rather than a well thought out coherent argument, but like me this thought is very much a work in  progress.

So what's the attraction?

Those of us who are cross dressers, as opposed to those who are trans sexual, are often confused as to what is driving the compulsion to dress as the opposite gender.   Jamie has an interesting idea of what part of it could be and starts to explain over on her blog.   I find her blog well written and interesting, not least because her trans life is so different to mine.   I suspect that the only way to find out if she is right would be to change my life so much, that it wouldn't be my life anymore so I couldn't tell anyway......... still as I said interesting.

My current view on why I dress up, simple I like to wear pretty things, - you should see some of my shirts!   I hope to be wearing some pretty things at the weekend, I will be making one of frequent forays down the M4 to Cardiff and should get at least couple of chances to dress over the weekend.   I am also trying to work out if I can afford to take an extra day out and visit Wells on the Monday.

Regular readers will know that I have a bit of a thing for medieval cathedrals, churches and castles.   Wells is a gem of a cathedral and one I have yet to visit.   Ideally I will leave Cardiff on the Sunday night, stay somewhere near Wells and then make a whole day of it until I need to be home for an evening rehearsal.   That's the idea, whether I can manage the time or not I will have to see, like so much in my life it depends on the weather.    In the mean time I have a busy week, with a rehearsal tonight (Monday) home group meeting on Tuesday, Wednesday I will be collecting a friend from hospital following a simple procedure, visiting the osteopath and an evening rehearsal.   Thursday and Friday evening are free at the moment but that can always change.

Everything falls into plaice

I saw a notice the other day that just said

"What if the Hokey Cokey is what it's all about?"

I rather liked the sentiment but left it at that, then I managed to type the title of this post into a comment on a forum as a miss spelling, and just started trying to think of the story that this could be the punch line to; and couldn't, if you can let us all know.

Of course what I had meant to type on that forum discussion was, "Once you accept yourself, then everything falls into place."    In saying this I was drawing on my own experience over the last couple of years, writing this blog, going out and mixing with people.   It was when I joined a forum that required a name that I first called myself Paula, now I had a name I began to develop as an individual, a person, a character; some one who could not be kept caged up inside.   It was about the same time that I started Paula's Place (not Paula's Plaice) that I accepted that my cross dressing is something that is part of me, is something I am rather than something I do, and is definitely not something that is going to go away.

What has happened since then, well I have been out quite a lot, but not enough; I have come out to a few friends who have so far all been cool about it.   I am happy with myself most of the time, but my partner cannot bring herself to accept this aspect of me, maybe I a m wishing for the moon but that is the one true fly in my ointment of life.

When asked how I am, I often reply nothing that couldn't be solved with £100,000 and a couple of weeks in the sun, well add the acceptance of my wife and then I would have nothing (well very little) to complain about.

Not Great

Sorry folks, but I don't have much that I want to post about today, as I said yesterday one of our cats died, we have just buried him and planted a hydrangea on the spot as a remembrance.

I also heard today that one of my elderly customers died on Thursday, so forgive me if I am not very effusive.   I have started preparing something, maybe I'll put that up in the morning.

In the mean time a quick well done to Fernando Alonso the first driver to win two grand prix this season.   I was expecting a pretty boring race, shows what I know!

Smudged out

Tonight we are all very sad, a little earlier my wife went up to our bedroom and found Smudge, he had been quiet ill for some time, but we hadn't realised just how bad he was. To find him dead in our bedroom was a very distressful shock for her, and for all of us.

We will miss him, he was part of our family, a friend and comfort.   He was only young and had been with us for about three years, although we will remember him with love and affection at the moment we just hurt and miss him.

Eye eye

Yesterday I managed a full day's work despite several short interruptions for rain. Of course all that rain meant that the mossies were out in strength, and of course I got bitten. Now this is something of an occupational hazard, but I often get a bit of a reaction to these bites. Yesterday I got a couple of gnat bites near my left eye, this morning I woke up looking like the "Elephant Man".   Generaly not a good look, and not very comfortable either.   I have taken an antihistamine and am about to put some ice on the eye, in the vague hope that I will be at least able to see well enough to drive, I just hope it has gone down by tomorow afternoon, when I will be playing in a brass band again.   If it hasn't gone down then Paula will definetely not be going out.

Pushing the envelope

As well as my cross dressing activities, I have recently been exploring just how far I can go in exploring androgyny in my clothing, or to put it another way trying to find out if I can stop drab being drab.   I wondered if making my ostensibly male clothing more feminine would satisfy some of my urge to cross dress.   I have quite a few "pretty" patterned shirts, and a couple of pairs of female jeans and one female denim jacket that I have been wearing occasionally for some time now.   So far I have to say that although they are all clothes I like, and I think, make me feel and look good, they have done nothing to satisfy my compulsion to dress.

Last night I decided to raise the stakes and make a bit more of an effort for my rehearsal.   On Monday I had bought a couple of items I wasn't sure about introducing into my male wardrobe, a silver coloured jeans belt, and a pair of ankle boots.    I wore both along with a pair of low cut boot leg black denims, my favourite shirt and the denim jacket.   However it was so warm that I didn't actually wear the jacket, instead relying on my off white canvas shoulder bag.

Now I suspect that I might have gone too far, I think I was probably looking either pretty feminine or very effeminate, either way is beyond a blurring of the lines towards androgyny.   Having said that I only got one passing comment on my style of dress from one close friend who commented on the height of my heels.

Fair enough, after all he's used to being taller than me.   However I do wonder how the band, and people in general would react if I came out and was as honest as Grayson Perry and just told everyone that I am a transvestite and that sometimes I will be wearing women's clothing.   Unfortunately unless I want to totally alienate my wife that is not going to happen.