T

I'm tired, as I said before I have had a cold which has turned into a cough and as a consequence I haven't been sleeping very well, so yes, I am tired.   But more than this I am tired of ends not meeting, I'm tired of constantly having to check my balances before I can spend any money; I'm tired of having to put off one debtor in order to satisfy another.   In short I'm tired of being poor.

Here we are in the midst of an election and I keep hearing candidates telling me how much better they are going to make my life, they talk of improving this and that, but I hear none of them telling just how tiring it is when things are not going well.   Just how much of a drag it is constantly fighting to make ends meet.   When there is not enough money there is a constant strain, a constant preoccupation with simply trying to survive.   I have heard our leading politicians described as a "Bunch of Posh boys who don't know the price of a pint of milk" I like this image, but underlying it is the reality of the new political class.   No longer are our politicians working people who are trying to make things better; ex soldiers trying to make a better country for those who fought for their country; or even individuals dedicated to an idea, an ideal of how to improve the lot of the working man.   They are alien to the majority of the voters they have no idea what it is like for the majority simply trying to live, and that may be why the majority refuse to vote for any of them.

On the upside I see that they are now seeking to support "Working People", last election it was all about "Hard Working families" in another five year they might have got round to people like me, the bone idle!

There and I bet you all thought that T would be for "Trans" "Transition" or maybe even "Transgender"; but lets be honest that is only one aspect of my life.   Although it does take up quite a lot of my emotional energy just at the moment finances take up even more.   I am being messed about by an insurance Company who are meant to be paying me my pension fund, originally promised by the 20th April I am still waiting my funds and am now being told that I will have to wait another few weeks.   I am losing confidence that this latest promise will be kept and in consequence a feeling let down, betrayed and generally pissed off fed up.

By now I had expected to be able to re-enter solvency, instead I am still fighting off Peter in the vagues hope of keeping Paul happy.

Thank God for music!

Sax and Violence

If you have been really on the ball you may have noticed that both my last post and this one have been a little late, I have an excuse, and I'm prepared to use it!

Last weekend, as I recounted here I played with the fabulous Croydon Symphonic Band at the finals of the National Concert Band Festival in Manchester.   As I said at the time we all had a great time, well maybe I should be more exact, most of us had a great time.   There was one in our number who had a pretty torrid time, interspersed with awful and brilliant.   One of our star players and most stalwart members is our solo Alto and Soprano Sax player.   While I am a particular friend it is with no bias that I praise his musicianship, and his technical ability on his chosen instruments.   We have come to rely on him, and when his section is featured it is very much his playing that helps to carry us through.

So when he found that he had a stinking cold that weekend crying off was not an option.   A short philosophical consideration showed that it was better to give half the band a cold than to leave it to others to have to play the sax solos. Given that those who would have to play the solos in his absence are members of the medical professions most qualified to keep him going this all seemed sensible.

Having travelled in close proximity to him on the coach all the way to and from Manchester and shared a couple of meals, for the last ten days or so I have also been suffering with a streaming cold, which has now settled into a sore throat and chesty cough.   I have been finding it hard to get to sleep, and when I do I cough myself awake. I am tired, miserable sore and sorry for myself; I am very nearly ready to offer violence in revenge for this cold, but I'm too knackered!   This evenings rehearsal showed that I'm not the only one, several others have been suffering, and wwe all trace out colds back to that weekend.

However I still think my friend made the right decision, even if I have been one of the ones to pay for it, maybe the title shouldn't have been Sax and Violence, but Gold and Cold.

Reflections

As I am working through this years A - Z Challenge I wonder how many of my visitors are because of that, how many just happen and how many are regulars.   If you are all regulars then you already know a great deal about e and my situation, if casual visitors then one or two aspects of my life may be a bit confusing, well actually even if you know me really well there will be aspects of my life that you will find confusing as well.

This Blog started out very much as a gender based one, somewhere for me to confide my thoughts experiences and concerns around my gender issues.   Now I am very much out, and indeed living full time in my chosen gender the blog has become much more about general reflections on my life and life in general.

Most trans women have a special relationship with mirrors, just as we do with cameras, a we constantly check our appearance,   This not simple vanity, it s much more complex than that.   Just like the Wizard's wife we are seeking many things from our mirrors.   Certainly we have the same problems as any other woman checking that our hair is in the right place and that our lipstick is restricted to our lips, but we are also looking for affirmation.

I haven' done this for some time now

Affirmation that our outwards presentation matches our inner feeling; affirmation that we looking "convincing" that we are "Passing";  affirmation that we are "not frightening the horses"; affirmation that we are who we believe we are.

I will admit to having checked myself out in a shop as I walk past, and I have certainly caught other girls doing the same.   Maybe it will be a milestone in my transition when I no longer have that subconscious need.

Qoute of the day

About three years ago I gave up driving a car, I have a van for business so the car was a little bit of a luxury at a time of great financial strain.   At the time I had a Volvo and a nine year no claims bonus.   I have, of course continued to drive my van and have a little no claims bonus on that insurance, but that bonus can only be used on one policy at a time.

It looks as though I may soon be hitting solvency again and am hoping to once again buy and run a car.   I have always fancied a Saab, a 3 door coupe, I love the line I like the engineering and it is a hatchback that should give me all the space I want.   I have seen one I quite fancy at a price I can afford, but before doing anything rash I thought I would check the insurance.   I did the usual trick of checking on line, but to see if I could get a better deal I called the AA, the insurance brokers I had used before.

The nice young man I spoke with confirmed that yes, I did indeed have nine years no claims bonus, but was worried that since it was more than two years since I held any car insurance the various insurance companies they deal with may not accept it.   He checked and no they wouldn't, the best quote he could come up with was over £4,000! for a £400 car with a driver well over 50 years old who has been driving for nearly 40 years.   Sure I had a little accident three years ago, but they might as well have just told me to F*%k off!

By the way, on line quotes ranged from £650 to £800 ~ I don't think I will be going back to the AA

Pelly Concert Orchestra

Today I am playing with the Pelly Concert Orchestra, a lovely concert Orchestra based in deepest Surrey.   They are a very nice bunch, very friendly and very welcoming, they also seem to have found a bit of a niche in the market as they play almost exclusively popular light music.   Whether it's Eric Coates, Russ Conway or John Williams this Orchestra is in concept the closest thing I have found to an ameutar Boston Pops.

Today's program includes two concerts, one for Families including such classics as Bob The Builder and Pirates of the Caribbean. Later we will play a more "normal" concert adding in some Khachaturian  and some Gershwin.   All in all I am assured of a wonderful, full day playing lots of fun music with some top rate tuba parts to keep me on my toes.

What will I be wearing? to order for the day is black bottoms and a plain coloured top, so I think it will be black dress trousers and either a pink or mauve blouse, depending how I feel at the time.

Out

Or in this context actually it's more about coming out than going out.   For those of you who are not fully aware for a trans person the difference is considerable, but maybe not the same as for civilians.

For more years than I care to think about I was a firmly closeted cross dresser, I would dress up in private, and then admire myself in the mirror or maybe even take a few photographs.   This was fun, exciting even, but ultimately unsatisfactory.   Like most girls like me from time to time I would be hit with a feeling of disgust at what I was doing ~ I suspect largely triggered by the two factors of the knowledge of societal disapproval and the suspicion of sexual perversion ~ I would then decide to stop doing this, and clear out everything associated with the activity, clothes, makeup, photos, the lot! PURGING!

Of course because this is not an activity the need returns and we succombe, but still the private dressing up is unsatisfactory, there is the need to be seen by other people.   For some of the wilder transvestites I wonder if it is a need to be admired, for me it was a need to be accepted.   So I would start to go out, visiting exhibitions, going shopping, just popping out for a coffee.   Since I could not indulge my activities at home I would find myself going out more and more, and as I did it became more and more natural.   But going out is very different to coming out.

Coming out is the process of telling people about yourself, what has been your deepest secret, at times the source of shame and self loathing.  It is not easy.   Having said that in almost every case where I have come out to somebody they have been accepting, supportive and loving.   I suspect many of my friends prefer me now I am no longer the hairy bloke!  Yet it is still never easy, in most of our lives we still have some taboo, some area we can not go, somebody that for one reason or another that we find we cannot tell.  I don't yet know if that ever changes.

What I have found out is that coming out is not an action it is a process.   I started telling people over two years ago, and yet even now that I am living full time in my chosen gender there are still people I am having tell for the first time.   I think that everybody who needs to know, knows, and then I find I need to change my name on some other listing and I have to go through it all again.

At least with me the changes are pretty obvious, for my Gay and Lesbian friends it must be even worse, dealing with disapproval, denial, hate, is never easy even if it is just the potential.   What we tend to forget is that it is not just those of us who identify within the LGBTQ continuum who find that from time to time we need to come out, at some point almost everybody will have to.   It may be a mental health issue, it may be an illness it may be a relationship, we all have to have these difficult conversation, but it is better to have these conversations than to keep quiet.

There have even been situations where it has been difficult to publicly own my faith, just like Peter when he denied even knowing Jesus, but I thank God that he, and the rest of the disciples were inspired by the Holy Spirit to come out, for it is their work, and their faith that we are still building on today, and that inspire me to be bold and witness to my faith, even when it doesn't make me popular.

Now

I don't know why I do it, I should know better by now, I am grown up, I can make decisions for myself, and lets face it I went through all this a year ago, so I did know what I was letting myself in for.   But here I am at silly O'clock on the night of the 16th of April writing a blog entry t match the letter N.

It's not as if I don't have enough on my plate right now.   Work wise this is quite possibly the busiest time of year for me, and of course here in the South East of England we are enjoying something f a heat wave, making work even busier.   Today I have cut grass; weeded out a bog garden; cleared an area to be re-planted, and consulted on building a screen and planting climbers.   I have also been to a band rehearsal, and tried to sort out some paperwork.

I am sure that many will agree with the sigh of exasperation with which I accompany the thought of insurance.   I hope to be buying a car again soon, I haven't had a car since 2013 when the last one got a bit pricey to run on my meagre budget, but things are picking up and I think I should be able to afford this little luxury.   I have spotted an old Saab I quite fancy for about £400, so I got in touch with the brokers I last used to see what they would quote for me.   I was told that I could not carry my nine years no claims bonus forward as it was over two years since I had been insured, so how much would they quote ~ £4,000.   I have checked online and had quotes from around £650, more than I would want to pay but a lot less than £4,000!

This all reminded me that I as I have now sent off the registration of my van and my drivers licence to get my name changed, now I had better sort out my insurance as well.   I phoned up my broker and told him I was changing my name, fine, he just needed the documents and would sort it all out.   He then went on to regale me with the story of how the last person who had changed their name had transitioned into a woman (not his words, I do believe he said something about a man in a dress!), deep breath "Well actually........"

Now I have to send him a copy of my deed of change of name, and also try to remember who else I have to tell, and try and get them all in the right order.

Mahonia

 Departing from my recent apparent obsession with Sunday's Band Festival  today I am considering one aspect of another of my passions, gardens and gardening.   Even for the keenest amateurs and most proficient professionals there are always going to be difficult areas.   Those places where the sun doesn't shine as much as we would like, the ground is too dry, or too moist, difficult to get to north facing slopes, or dark corners between garage and fence.   I am a regular listener to Gardener's Question Time where questions about these difficult places are often asked, but rarely have I ever heard my stock answer come out as a suggestion from the team.

Mahonia is a very tough shrub that will grow almost anywhere, has lovely towers of bright yellow blooms (about now) gives year round interest as it is evergreen, the leaves are quite spicy so as well as looking interesting are good security additions around perimeters.   There are a number of varieties, from prostrate to tall and sculptural, I generally go for something in between, and as it is s easy to propagate I will often take cuttings, or layers from one garden to another (without being at all sure which variety it is)

Of course there are all sorts of interesting plants in the garden at the moment.   We are getting yellows from the last of the Daffs, Kerria Japonica, Forsythia, primroses, and in my garden dandelions! Pinks, whites, and mauves from Aubretia, Bergenia and Camellias, and tulios giving us the full rainbow!
 

Shrubs are all coming to life with Skimmias, Chaenomeles and Pieris all giving their best, and all the herbaceous plants and summer bulbs are showing above the soil.

Today I was out working this morning for the first time wearing shorts and enjoying the sun, I think it will only be a matter of days before I start to put out bedding.   I know the old saying about May being out, but round my way the May is now in flower so I feel safe.

All photos from my own gardens this morning

London Gay Symphony Orchestra ~ LGSO

There are many things that make the LGSO a very special Orchestra.   I suppose the first and most obvious is rather given away in the name. The Orchestra's objectives include;

• Providing a safe and supportive space for musicians of all sexualities
• Playing to a high standard, but still offering space for players of all abilities
• Being adventurous and ambitious in our programming
• Sharing our passion for orchestral music with audiences new and old
• Making a contribution to LGBT life in London and beyond.

Even though I am quite sure that I am the one who puts the T into the LGBT here, for me the Orchestra did exactly what they set out to do, they provided me with a safe and supportive space to be Paula in the real world, doing the thing I love most ~ playing orchestral music.

I had been out a few times before joining the orchestra, but before that my outings had always been opportunities to dress up, playing with LGSO meant that I was going out for a reason, and it just happened that it was Paula going.   It was through this, being Paula playing at rehearsals and concerts that I began to truly understand that this is not something I do, it is something I am.   Even though I am the only Trans member of the Orchestra they have always been totally accepting (not always the case with organisations who claim to be LGBT) supportive and friendly.   Indeed this is one of the most friendly Orchestras I have ever played with, and all that has helped to make me the person I am today.

I have made some good friends, played some great music to a high standard, and have been made to feel very old.   One of the other most notable things about this orchestra is that the average age is pretty low.   Indeed in my section the second oldest thing is often my trombone!   For an old lag like me it is quite rejuvenating to be surrounded by really good, young musicians whose passion for the music has yet to be jaded by time and promoters.

Obviously I love this orchestra, and I want all of you to as well, if you can come along to our next concert on the 26th April and enjoy some stunning music played really well by some stunning people. you will not be disappointed.  You can even have a glass of wine during the interval!

Kudos!

I am very pleased that today's K can lead straight on from Saturday's J and Friday's I.   It may even be said that this K is a direct result of the J.

While Saturday was all about the journey and Sunday was very much about the performance, the weekend was all about friends.   Since this year we were playing on the Sunday we decided that we would travel up to Manchester on the Saturday, spend the evening there and then be fresh for the morning performance, before travelling back to London.   I had even hoped that there might be some time within the schedule to explore the Hotel's swimming pool.

We got to the Hotel around six thirty on Saturday so I pretty much only had time to clean up, get changed and go out to sample the local brew before having something to eat.   One of the great things about trips like this is that I get to spend a bit more time with other members of the band who maybe I don't know so well.   Even though we may have been playing in the same band for several years we may sit at the opposite ends and not actually coincide much; this is our chance to start to build relationships outside of our own immediate circles.   I retired to my bed earlier than some of the die-hard partiers ~ not least because after several pints of liquid and a substantial curry I simply needed to remove anything that involved elastic!

We had to leave the Hotel at 9:30 and both the breakfast and swimming started at 8:00 so once again swimming was not on the menu.   Arriving at the RNCM we had a warm up, run through and then onto the stage for our performance.

To be fair our performance was not flawless, and although we had a few moments of total glory there were also a couple of shaky moments as well.   On balance I suspect that this was the best we could have played these pieces while retaining any sense of perspective, or indeed a life!   As we discussed our performance after leaving the stage the consensus was very much that we should get a Gold Award. So it was with great pleasure but not a lot of surprise that we received our ~ Gold Award.

I should say that four levels of award are made, Bronze, Silver, Gold and Platinum; at the area festival we received a Platinum award, at the finals although the criteria are the same, I suspect that the expected standard is a little higher.

Everything about the weekend went very well, so total Kudos to those who organised it all, Kudos to the band for the performance, and Kudos to our Conductor who put together the program, trained the band and lifted our performance on the day.

And if anybody wants to know the answer I came up with to Fridays question, content yourself with the knowledge that I was happy.