Quote of the Day

Gratuitous picture of Jessica Rabbit

It's not often that you will find me quoting the Chief Economist of the Bank of England on this blog, but listening to the radio this morning I heard him talking about the economy and use the phrase "writhing in both agony and ecstasy" and I just couldn't help but think "I used to know a girl like that"

I have just got home from having my hair done for the first time for a good few months, it had got very shaggy and just a bit scruffy, indeed I was beginning to emulate the typical mad scientist, hopefully not an evil mad scientist (BWAHAHAHA) but it had got well past being a good look.   I am very happy with the result, just not quite so much with the cost, a reminder why I don't do this very often.   I want to look my best this evening as I am going out to dinner with an old friend.   An old friend who has not yet met Paula so I don't want to frighten her, especially since she has been going through a pretty rough time recently.

I am looking forward to catching up and spending some time with her, at one time we used to see a lot of each other, then drifted apart, married, had families and now both find ourselves on our own again, time for gin and sympathy. I should stress that this is not the girl I referred to in the first paragraph!

Pearls Girls and Monty Bodkin

Ever since I had my ears pierced just over a year ago I have been in the habit of wearing some sort earring pretty much all of the time.   Most of the time it will be a simple stud of some sort.   In truth I have altogether far too many studs, sparkly ones, pearls of all colours, simple metal spheres, hearts and flowers.   It is one of the ways that I assert my femininity even when the situation will not allow me to be more obvious.

Yesterday I was wearing a pair of (cold water cultured)  pearl studs which, even though very cheap and cheerful, I rather like, when I got home and got changed I found that one of them was missing, I was disappointed but not bereft.   I put the remaining stud to one side and the matter out of my mind.

This morning it took me a while to get started, I am finding that is happening more and more, I hope that my holiday will help, but I am finding it very difficult to work up the enthusiasm to get started on anything these days. Anyway I did eventually manage to get my act together and made a sandwich and a flask of tea, put on my work wear and went to put on my shoes to leave home, but found something in one of my shoes.   Assuming that as so often happens it was a bit of stone I just shook the shoe out over the path, only to find that my pearl stud fell out.   How it got from my ear into my shoe I will never understand, but I am very pleased to have it back.

I should stress that these are not "proper" pearls, they are way beyond my pay scale, but fresh water ones, from chinese muscles rather than South Sea oysters, and as for Monty, well there may be more about him later........................

Holiday ~ Looking Forward 4

Well it's getting closer only a couple of weeks now and I'll be flying away to warmer climes.   Unfortunately it will only be for a week, but it is only now that it is really beginning to dawn on me that this will be the longest continous time I will have spent "en femme".   I have had a couple of weekends, and indeed on my last trip to France I spent a few days but this will be something of a test as I will be spending at least seven complete days and nights as the women I believe I am.

Regardless of any trepidation or excitement I may be feeling about this, it does mean a bit more planing is required than any previous weeks away.   Not only does my packing list look very different to previous years, my preparation will have to be a little different.   Like any other girl I want to look my best while I am away, in my case of course this doesn't just mean planning my outfits and getting my makeup right, it also means sorting out hair removal, trying maintain my nails and thinking about my hair.

Having worn my new swimming costume the other night, I now feel quite secure about it's security, but I did realise that I was displaying parts of my body that are not normally on display, and that I can't reach with a razor!   Dealing with this will involve spending money, planning, and pain!   I'm not very good with pain, but I am finding that as long as I know the outcome is worthwhile then I can just about bear it, what makes it worse is paying somebody else to inflict the pain.   I know a lot of ladies have their legs waxed, so far I have only got as far as eyebrows, and that hurt, so I am simply not prepared for how my back will feel!

I am also considering trying a chemical option to shaving for my chest, but am reluctant in case I have a reaction and then feel even more nervous about donning my swimming costume. Decisions, decisions.

The Customer's Always Right

It is held to be one of the few generally agreed maxims of business that the Customer is Always Right, sometimes I'm not so sure.   I have two customers in particular who when it comes to gardens I can't help disagreeing with.

One gives every appearance of being a keen gardener, yet she will insist on pruning at the wrong time of year, not dead heading, and then ripping up plants because they stop flowering early.   With the amount of time she spends in her garden I can see that it would be so much better (more flowers, more veg, less weeds) if only she would be prepared to take advise.   This is not simply a reflection of a gardening style, more an attitude to life, she is both impatient and always convinced that she is right.    I can't remember who first coined the phrase, but "I wish I knew as much about anything as she knows about everything".   I always find it a little stressful working in this garden as I know that I will be asked to do something that I think either should not be done, or not done at that time.

So why do I do it, one of the advantages of being self employed is that I get to choose my customers, I have a basic rule that I do not work for people I don't like, and only do work that I find satisfying.   Well I look after this garden because the husband is a good friend, and something of a business guru to me.   He signs the cheques and I know that my help makes his life a lot easier.

The other is a different situation altogether, she is a lovely woman and I have grown quite fond of her, yet over the last few months her Mother has been staying with her and between them they are just ripping up all the plants.   The garden looks increasingly like and field of composted bark with a bit of grass in the middle.   Roses have been ripped up, peonies molested, and phloxes f*%$ed.   I begin to despair of making this garden a thing of beauty; yet maybe Mum will find somewhere of her own soon and will stop venting her anger on the garden, then maybe I can start putting in some "pretty" again.

Mists and Mellow fruitfullness

Looking around at some of the other Blogs I follow I can't help but see the way different people greet the changing season.   Rugby has been played since the beginning of September, Cricket is well over and the Grand Prix seem to go on all year round, so it's not the sport that is changing.   The days are getting shorter, cooler and wetter.  It is quite noticeable working outdoors that it's cooler and it is now quite often dark when I get home from work; autumn is undeniably here.

For many girls this is no bad thing, indeed a lot enjoy the change as it allows a different wardrobe to come out.   For those who may have an issue with body and leg hair, pullovers and thick tights can be a whole fresh area freedom.

This morning I had to search through my drawers to dig out a thick roll neck sweater before going to work, this was a not very lady like outfit as I teamed the pullover with paint spattered jeans and steel toecapped work books, I fear my bright pink nail polish might have been a little incongruous, but the nice guys at the composting site never mention it.  Personally when not working I find that I am wearing jeans and boots (not the steel toe capped type) most of the time, often with fine knit sweaters.   For me it is interesting that this is pretty much what I was wearing last October, the line between my fem presentation and my male one is increasing fine as far as the clothes go, yet I suspect few would have any ground for confusing them.

I am learning that it is not so much the clothes that make the difference, it's the accessories, the makeup, and most of all the attitude.   Of course this doesn't mean that I have abandoned my girlie girlie dresses, this weekend I will be going out to dinner on Friday and playing at the LGSO concert on Sunday, so that will be at least two occasions for a bit of glamour.

It's not the mileage it's the years

Yesterday I wrote a bit about my experience on Friday night with the TAGS swimming group, and sort of suggested that there was no down side.   Now of course that can never be true, after all ever silver lining has cloud, and the down side made itself clear on Saturday morning.

As Friday had been a bit rushed I didn't eat until I got home after the swimming, by then it must have been not far off eleven at night, with a quick supper and a glass of wine after all that exercise it was inevitable that I should fall asleep on the sofa, wake up at around one in the morning, before actually getting to bed.   Then waking up on Saturday morning feeling stiff with muscles I had forgotten I still had aching.   If Saturday had been a nice quite day pottering around at home this would have been fine and I could have basked in a self-righteous glow.   As it was I had a full and physically arduous day’s work planed, one pear tree and a sycamore to cut down and a bay and a yew to prune.

By the end of the day’s work I felt every one of my years, which is more or less where I came in with yesterday’s post, the reason why I keep thinking about my age is that I was so pleased on Friday evening to be the eldest there, all too often I find myself in situations where not only don’t I raise the average age but quite often I am either around the average or even one of the younger ones.   At over 55 this just isn't right!

One of the many things I like about playing with the LGSO is that I am very much one of the old ones.   Not only is the general standard of musicianship really high there are a lot of quite young players, in my section the second oldest thing is my trombone.   I think the other three players are all in their twenties, a mark both my trombone and I passed many years ago.   It is good for me to be with these younger guys, they keep me on my toes, and in touch with things I might otherwise miss out on, I like to think that it’s good for them to have a least one foggie around as well.

We will be playing our next concert on Sunday at our usual venue of St. Sepulchre’s without Aldgate, we will be playing a great selection of great music, Mendelssohn’s Fingal’s Cave, Brahms’s Second Symphony and the Elgar Cello Concerto played by the very talented, very young and obscenely good looking Jamal Aliyev.

In the Swim

For anyone my age, regardless of gender, gender identification, or indeed anything else much, there are increasingly few new experiences to be had. Almost by definition the more things we do the fewer things there are left to do for the first time.   I can no longer travel abroad for the first time; I first played at the Albert Hall around 40 years ago; and the boat for most sports left a long time ago.   Yet it is still a joy when I do experience something new, and it is even better if the company is good.

On Friday evening I enjoyed one of those wonderful occasions.  I went swimming.   Now I have been swimming before, indeed at one point I was quite an enthusiastic swimmer.   My technique was never exemplary, neither was I particularly fast, indeed I only remember winning one final in a school inter-house butterfly race (and that was because all the other competitors got disqualified for breaking their stroke).   What was new on Friday was that I could go swimming as myself.

The wonderful TAGS have organised a regular Friday night swim for trans people.   We have exclusive use of a pool that is not open to public view, separate changing facilities and fully briefed and sympathetic staff.   This means that there is none of the trauma of deciding which changing facilities to use, or the worry of adverse reactions from “civilians” once the decision has been made.   We can swim freely and enjoy ourselves without having to worry if people are inspecting us or wondering about that strange scar on the bloke’s chest, or why we have chosen to wear that particular style of costume.

As well as the freedom and joy of getting in the water again I was able to give my new costume a through “road test” which I am pleased to be able to report it passed.   I also made some new friends, who I hope to meet again (and again, and again), all in all a very good evening.

I'm Back!

Marazion Beach

To all of you who may have been worrying about me, ~ thank you.   I have been away for a few days visiting friends in Cornwall, as well as seeing some wonderful sights and enjoying the company of my friends I also had an opportunity to think a little and get a good solid lump of common sense and some spiritual wisdom.

My bad news is still bad news as far as I am concerned, but maybe I can now see a way whereby it needn't be totally bad, not an absolute end but maybe a fresh beginning.   Beyond that, since it's not just about me I have decided that for the time being at least not to discuss it any further here.

The view from my bedroom window

In the mean time, I had a wonderful time in Cornwall, I stayed in my friends holiday let cottage, which is perfect in every way, enjoying the best of having my own cottage yet still staying with friends.   As I say the cottage itself is perfect, they have done an excellent job with the decor and the fittings I am sure that any family staying there for a holiday will have a wonderful time.   St Michael's Mount is within walking distance, and is only not in view from the cottage windows because of the cottage on the other side of the Road.   We visited Penzance and the Mount, pottered in the garden, visited a local hostelry and had dinner out, yet in some ways the high light might have been eating pasties on the beach at Marazion.

The only downside was that it was such a short break, I do hope to get down there and visit again, but it will need to be "Off Season" as I am sure that they will have the cottage let out all the rest of the year.

I now have to get through the next few weeks before my next break in Malta!

Bad News

Today I have had some bad news, it has quite thrown me, and in consequence I just don't feel like writing much here.   At the moment I don't know how to respond to the news, and I don't expect to be writing about it here, or indeed anywhere else.

In the mean time I am going to be away from logging for a couple of days, so if after reading this you don't see anything from me don't worry, I will be OK, I will be in a better place, (Cornwall actually).

Being Manly

Over the last couple of days Jim Toomey has started to develop a fresh theme on "manlyness" I find that many people have different ideas of what constitutes being a man.   We often get our idea of what a man is from our fathers, I was very fortunate in my father, he wasn't just a man he was a gentle man.   Sure he shared the faults of many men of his generation, he was casually sexist and racist, yet he was always polite, and considerate.   He was a provider, and competitive sportsman who knew that winning was only worthwhile if it was done fairly and with respect for your opponent.   He taught us through his example that bullying, drunkenness, yobishness were not manly,  rather they were signs of weakness

I want my daughter to understand what a man is, so it is largely up to me to show her, this is of course rather difficult for me now I understand myself to be a woman.   That having been said I have had a lot of practise, so I continue to try to show her that being a real man is not about farting and belching, it's about being considerate and polite; it's not about getting into fights, but stopping them happening; it's not about self promotion but consideration of others.   I am aware that I have often failed to sufficiently display these qualities.

My daughter still needs her father, and the times I spend with my daughter are often the highlights of my week.   I have started to think of these times as "Daughter Dates" and I hope she thinks of them as "Dad Dates" it is a shame that it is only through the breakdown of our marriage that we were forced into this situation, but I find that I am getting to know my daughter better, understanding what she wants, what she likes, her ambitions and fears through these times.   I hope she is getting to know and understand me better as well.   We were forced into this situation, but I would recommend "Daughter Dates" to all my friends who are fathers, don't leave it till it's too late, take your daughter out (without your wife!) show her what it means to be a man, then she will grow up a better woman, and be able to judge the boys she meets against a better measure.

Twice I have been in serious relationships with women, one I wanted to marry the other I did, on both occasions when the relationship broke down it became clear that my partners idea of what sort of a man I was were totally different to my own self image.   Could it be that by becoming a woman, I may also be becoming a better man?