Friday

I'm only half way through Friday, but it has been a long and confusing week, I will write more later but just to let you all know that yesterday I survived being in drag the whole day, it felt a little weird actually, with my male suit shirt and tie, what now felt like heavy shoes and ordinary socks.   After that I had a great night out with my daughter, but all of this is overshadowed by the frustration of finding my van had been broken nto and my strimmer stolen.

I experienced some quite male anger over that and am now feeling very frustrated that although I have all the bits of strimmer of different makes and models to get started I can't get them to fit together into a viable tool.

The Consultant

I know I have been absent without leave for a while, after managing to post every day during April, May and June have been a bit flaky so far.    This is not because I have not been up to much and have nothing to write about, far from it! rather I have been running around like a headless chicken trying to do too much and burning the candle at both ends. OK mixing my metaphors but I'm sure you get the idea that things are a little busy at the moment.   I actually have a little time at the moment (if I ignore the laundry, the washing up, the housework etc. etc.) as I have an appointment this afternoon that will in effect take up my whole working day.

My appointment is not till 2:30 but as it is on the South Coast I will have to meet my customer in Croydon at around midday in order to drive down and make sure we are in time.   This means that I don't have time this morning to get any gardening work done, and then get changed for my meeting before I have to leave.   It is certainly not a meeting that I can wear my gardening clothes to.   We have quite a decent contract with this particular Local Authority and it is very important to my customer that we retain it, even it means a drop in profitability.   This means our presentation needs to be right.

I have mentioned before about how my "transyness" has been leaking out, apparently more than I realised as it has been suggested to me that some of my recent sartorial choices may not be appropriate for this meeting.   All very friendly and I have no objections to the suggestion, it's just that having to "butch up" it actually now feels more like I'm in drag than when I am wearing a dress.

Another well known Waste Management Consultant

I now have to go and get myself ready, I have just cleaned off my nail polish, I will now have to take out my earrings, see if I can straighten my hair out a little and tie it back, put on the shirt tie and suit, and see if my dainty feet will still tolerate a pair of heavy brogues. Thank goodness it's too hot for tweed otherwise I might end up looking more like a butch lesbian than Tony Soprano

Quote of the Day

“My body sometimes feels sore, but it works.  I don’t sleep well most nights, but I do wake up to experience another day.  My wallet is not full, but my stomach is.  I don’t have all the things I’ve ever wanted, but I do have everything I need.  I’m thankful, because although my life is by no means perfect, it is MY life and I choose to be thankful in it, as I continue to do the best I can.”

Go here to find out more.

I'm not superstitious, but.........................

It is now 10:30 p.m. and I am just sitting down to my dinner as I write this post. I feel as though I have had a very busy day achieving very little.   I planned to make an earl start as I needed to swap a few things around in my van before making a start to the day proper with what has now become my regular Friday morning appointment with Nelly for electrolysis. Initially all went well, I had a bite of breakfast took my normal mower out and put in the big self propelled one, made sure I had the strimmer and some petrol and off I went.

I arrived for my ten O'clock appointment to find that Nelly wasn't in and that I was in teh hands of Helen.   Again no problem, accept that with all the organising we didn't get started till about 10:30.   Then as helen kept being called out t answer the phone or talk to a customer we didn't actually et through till nearly twelve. Don't get me wrong they are doing a great job and my moustache has almost disappeared, it's just that the job I had expected to be starting around 11:30 I actually started nearer to 12:30.   That job should only have taken up an hour, but somehow managed to run on the ninety minutes so now I was a good two hours behind.   I also seem to have developed a problem with the drive system on my big mower.

So now rather than a civilised lunch it was a mad dash round to unload the van and get to the timber merchant to pick up the materials for a fence I was booked to start today.   Of course the day carried on in the manner it had adopted and the timber merchant didn't have the sizes I wanted so I had to buy bigger and cut down (I HATE waste)   With all the mad dashing around I didn't realise I hadn't picked up the trellis I had paid for until after the timber merchant had shut, so I can't do anything about that till tomorrow.   All this time I was just falling further and further behind. The final straw came along and broke this camel's back when my jig saw broke, sure I have a pad saw I can use instead, but of course that was at home.

Dashing home, just stopping to pick up some food (Mother Hubbard impersonations going on at home) arriving back just in time to realise I was late for a "do" at the Church I had promised to attend.   This was very good, and I had a chance to spend a littel time with my daughter, but by the time it had finished I was in need of food.

Getting home, loading up the oven and sitting down with my laptop I see Meg's warning, Friday the 13th falls on a Friday this month.

I'm Leaking

I'm growing impatient; I find that I am growing increasingly uncomfortable in my male self not only do I take every opportunity to be feminine but I find that my femininity is leaking through into my male self.   I have now been sporting ear studs for some time, I also taken to wearing a chain, a fem watch and a couple of rings.   I now rarely bother to remove my nail polish until I have to.

I think I have now come to accept the inevitability of my transition, I am not aware of having made a positive decision at any point where I have said "Yes I am going to transition" rather it has been a serious of small decisions that have led me to this point.   I don't think I can continue in this way, I have been warned that it could be many, many months before I hear anything from the GID Clinic, so I may have to start taking some actions on my own.

Due to the nature of my work I do want to be able to go out without makeup, so I do want to be a lot further along the line with my electrolouis as facial hair is not necessarily a good look.

I am checking out websites on how to change my name, what I can have on a new passport or drivers license without legally transitioning.

But right now I am pondering the question about my surname.    Many years ago now, when I first started to come out I adopted the name Paula Gee, I choose this because Paula is my name, Gee was available for an e-mail address.   Now Gee is not my given surname, it was the name of a friend who is sadly no longer with us, and although I have used it I feel reluctant to abandon my father's name.   Somehow not using my birth surname seems to devalue what my parents have done for me, it would be dishonoring my family, yet I have become known in some circles by the name Gee, I guess I will just have to explain to them that I am changing my name and leave it at that.   More critical would be how those who know me as Paul will get used to Paula.

18th Birthday Opera Gala - warning "Adult" content

Last I was rehearsing with the fabulous LGSO for our upcoming Gala Concert.   This is something a landmark occasion, this concert marks the Orchestra's eighteenth birthday - a sort of coming of age - and is the final event in Pride London.   We will also be playing in a new larger hall than we usually have so will need to sell a lot more tickets, but should have a much better atmosphere.   As a Gala concert we will be joined by the Pink Singers and some lovely solo singers as we trawl through some opera.




For me the highlight looks like being the William Tell Overture, not for the horrendous trombone parts, but for the beautiful Cor Anglais and Cello solos.   For me (apart from William Tell) this is a fairly quite concert as I am not involved in the bulk for the program and where I am it is mostly just the odd vulgar interjection.   We will be doing a couple of extracts from Bernstein's Candid, normally I would not be playing in these as there are two trombone parts and tuba - no bass trombone - but last night we only had two of us there as the first trombone was busy elsewhere so I played the first trombone parts while the second trombone rehearsed the part he will be playing on the night.  First we played "Glitter and be Gay" this of course led to all sorts of comments, my favorite was "Well it looks like it is up to Jo. to Glitter" addressed to Joanna one of our first violins and one of the members who self identifies as straight.   At the end I observed to the other trombone player that it felt really odd playing first as "I was not used to being on top" almost as I said this I realised my mistake and much puerile giggling ensued.

Later in the Pub, I suggested that the "Gentlemen" smartened up their appearance for this Gala y adding a bit of colour instead of our usual rather dull and boring all black.   The only men who look really good in all black are New Zealand Rugby Players.   Unfortunately my ideas didn't get a lot of serious enthusiasm, more suggestions that they would all wear ball gowns and / or sequins; to be honest I' not sure I could stand the competition.

A long weight

I weighed myself this morning, as I do one day most weekends.   I have tried not to weigh myself any more often than this since my days with "Weight Watchers" as daily variance could cause undue concerns, or indeed enthusiasm.   I generally wobble around the 12 stone mark (around 170 lb or 75 kg) but was rather pleased to see 11 st 10 lb.    I have not been worrying about what I eat but have been trying to cut down on the booze a bit.

Not because of the calories more because far too often recently I have got in fairly late settled down with a glass of something, only to wake up a couple of hours later still on the sofa.   So the outcome is a few better nights sleep and the loss of a few lbs around the old tummy.   Now I need to stick to it and not allow myself to slip back into my old naughty ways.

Interestingly my little loss is nothing compared to the achievement of my wife, she has now lost one and a half stone, and has every intention to carry on, keeping that lot off and losing some more.   I am really pleased that she is finally finding a way to lose, I am just sorry that the way excludes me.   We do still talk, and everything is "very civilised" but I do find I miss them, and sometimes wonder how differently things might have worked out if they were still living with me.   Having said all that I am convinced that both my wife and daughter are happier without me, and my relationship with my daughter now feels better than since she was very young.

The highlight of my week is the time I spend with her, I have my adventures and little bits of excitement (this week I auditioned as MD for a local concert band)  but those few hours are the best, and the point when I take her home is the worst.

I Need Help

Now I am sure that many of you will agree with the implied meaning of the title to this post, but on this occasion I am looking for satoral help.   I am usually pretty self confident about my clothing choices, I feel I do have a definite sense of style, and have my own style both as a woman and as a man.   But I have now hit on a problem area.

Classic pumps

I like animal prints, more to the point I love animal print tights.   There is a bit of me that says "you are too old and should leave them to younger women" but where's the fun in that?   The trouble is that I love the tights but just don't know how to wear them.  Sure a mini skirt shows the tights off well, and though I say it myself I don't think my legs are too bad, it's more a question of what to wear on my feet.

Flatties ( with a bow)

I have several pairs of heels, some nice, normal pumps and some pretty extreme (for a girl my age and size) heels, I also have a couple of pairs of flats, but none of them seem quite right with patterned tights.   I rather like them with boots knee high or higher, heels or flat doesn't matter too much, but in the summer that seems too much.

Somehow this pair looks a lot more blue in the photos than I feel they are in reality, but I now have several pairs of various types of print, zebra, leopard, pink, blue, grey and mauve, I like them all and want to keep them, and wear them, but how?

So ladies, do you, would you, wear patterned tights? how do you wear them? and what sort of shoes should I wear?

Dinner

I don't think this diet is going to work!

For my dinner tonight I put together a salad, I hadn't planned to d anything too fancy, just a nice simple tuna salad.   I like tuna salad and I have been rather self indulgent recently.   So I'm not quite sure how I ended up with Lettuce, spring onions, capers, anchovies, cold boiled potatoes, black olives, tuna and mayonnaise. - not sure this ended up as the low calorie option.

Still it was very nice.

I have just realised how long it is since I last posted here, please understand that it is not because I don't love you, I have just been busy else where.   I have no idea how, or indeed if I am going to catch up but since my last post I have worked two ten hour days and one (Saturday) six hour day.   I have cut grass, trimmed hedges, panted up pots, weeded, swept and generally tidied lots gardens but not mine.

I have attended a sixtieth birthday party, played on a bandstand and been to an Orchestra rehearsal.   Today I am back to fixing fences.   I hope to get a bit of time to trim my own hedge this afternoon before going to a band rehearsal.

I need to learn to say NO!