Recently I have noticed a lot of people asserting that they have always known that they were trans, you know the sort of thing, "I have always been a girl, it's just that the body didn't used to fit" or "No. I'm not confused I have always known." I can't make these assertions, I have spent most of my life confused about gender, well more accurately about my gender, I always knew that this was an area of confusion, but knowing there is a question is very different from knowing the answer.
I have always been interested in female garb, and as long as I can remember I have enjoyed wearing it. Certainly it was made quite clear to me from an early age that this was WRONG, so I hid my enthusiasm, along with my private wardrobe. Somehow I knew that I was stuck as a boy, and had better make the best of it. On the whole I made a pretty good job of being a boy, I enjoyed the physical aspect of a very physical sport, and found that I was pretty good at it. I learnt to ride a motorbike, not as some form of deep disguise, but because it's fun. If I could afford a bike now I would buy one tomorrow! I certainly enjoyed the physical aspects of my relationships with girls, anf never questioned my sexuality.
Yet somehow there was always this unformed question at the back of my mind. I would fantasise about waking up female, or maybe indulge in some sort of body swap fantasy. The common factor was that I would always be able to return to my own male body. You see I don't think I was a bad bloke, I enjoyed many aspects of being a bloke, and I certainly don't dislike the bloke I was. So something pretty dramatic must have changed to have made me accept that I am in fact a woman, and now need to present myself as such to the world. Something must, I just don't know what.
Generally I find myself happier in my own skin than I used to be, yet occasionally I am still struck with thought that all this is ridiculous, but that soon passes. So just as I am determined to love and be proud of the woman I am, I will continue to be proud of the man I was, and to cherish his memory.