Paula's Place

Paula's Place

Sunday, 4 November 2012

Funny Old thing ain't it?

As the morning seems to be getting darker rather than lighter and the rest of the family are still in bed, I thought I would just take a moment to record a few musings, it is now over three weeks since I shaved anything other than my face and over two weeks since I dressed in any other way than society would expect and I generally feel OK.   I will not say that I have not thought about dressing, it just hasn't become an imperative yet.   I look at my chest in the mirror and it just looks like a man's hairy chest, my pits stopped itching and then pretty much went out of my mind as did my legs, I look at my hands and feet and feel a little bit of sadness at their passing elegance.   However on that front the idea that this is the last day for a while that I will have really clean finger nails hurts a bit more.

I know that I have a couple of events coming up where I will dress (maybe even glam it up a bit), I know this and I accept it, but at this moment I am neither looking forward with eager anticipation or dread, I just know it will happen.   Likewise I know that the drive to dress will be back, I do not choose to do this but I do now accept that it will happen.   So I begin to ask myself these questions

1. Is it stress relief? I have been on holiday I have had a good time with my family and have relaxed.   I have spent time sitting in the sun with a cold beer reading entertaining books.   By my standards I am relaxed and refreshed,

now pause for about 12 hours while the rest of the family get up, decide to go to Brands, get cold, come home, watch the recording of the Grand Prix (wasn't it a classic!) have something to eat, then a small argument, then settle down to watch "X Factor" exiling me to the bedroom ~ thank goodness I've go a lap top ~ now where was I?

so, maybe the whole dressing thing is a form of stress relief a way of having a holiday from myself, going into the "other" in order to escape the ordinary.   When the ordinary, the everyday, is so unacceptable that escape is needed maybe I need to be somebody so different that even my gender changes.

2. Maybe it is just a habit I have got into, something I do rather than something I am.   When I became a nonsmoker, it was because I accepted that smoking was something I did, a habit, I was not a smoker I was somebody who smoked, therefore I could become somebody who didn't smoke, it was just a matter of changing habits.
There is a story of a Native American who describes the state of his soul as being like two dogs fighting, when asked which dog is wining he replies "the one that I feed".   Now I know that the more I dress the more I want to, the more I feed the girl the more dominant she is if I stop feeding the girl will she starve? or fight back more strongly?.   I know that does does not mean that it is just habit, but maybe it is a factor.
3.   I strive for elegance, I am beginning to understand that this is a factor in my music making and in my gardening.   I am creative, I believe we all are, that is part of being made in the image of the creator.   What I create I want to be elegant, maybe my dressing is an expression of this desire for elegance, maybe my dressing is an expression of this desire for elegance.
4.  Or maybe, just maybe, in some way, some small part of me, could it be I am a girl?
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