Looking up

Not sure where things stand just at the moment.   I want to go to my support group Christmas dinner on Saturday evening, I had already arranged that our family calender showed that I would be out playing a concert that none of my family would want to go to.   So should I carry on as originally planned or cancel and say I had put in a dep so I could spend time with my wife? Either way I would be telling a lie.   Either way was not happy, neither seemed to be a satisfactory way to restart our relationship.

So I spent much of my time at work yesterday morning thinking abut this problem.   It comes down to  what do I want more to go out to dinner, or to save my marriage, this may sound like a no brainer, but I have always believed that there is no point in having the cake if you can't eat it.   Of course the answer was a simple one in the end, so in the spirit of honesty and trust I felt I had to tell my wife about the dinner I was planing on going to on Saturday, that I thought she would prefer me not to go, and since our daughter would be out would she like me to take her out, or cook a nice meal at home.   Since we are finding this all very difficult to talk about face to face I sent this all on a text message, I got a message back just saying "You go" I will be very happy to go, it will be the first time I will have been out as Paula and not had to lie about it, or at least hide it.   I will not be open I will still go trough my usual slightly furtive procedure and change before I get home.   I just hope that the message wasn't missing the last two words "to Hell"

Still, I think that this is a sign of a positive improvement in our relationship, since things came out into the open we have been much easier with each other, I think agreeing to talk and have counselling has been a big help, I am now looking forward to Tuesday when we visit Relate for the first session.

Progress

We have agreed that we do not want to give up on our marriage and will be going to counselling, our first session is on Tuesday.   In the mean time I am meant to be going to my group's Christmas dinner on Saturday, I am now not sure whether I should go or not, sort of should I try and be strong now, or should I have a little "final fling"?

On  a lighter note more from the excellent 9 Chickweed Lane

Ultimatum

When I got back from a meeting had first thing this morning I found that my wife had left a letter for me~ never a good sign ~ basically this was a "give up or get out" ultimatum.   I am very sad that I have been so selfish not to have realised that things had got that bad, and very sad that she feels the need too go this far.

I have replied with what I hope is a considered and full response, I am not prepared to give up on our marriage, and will do everything I can to save it.   I am however not sure that I should promise to do what I probably can't do.   We have never been good at communicating~indeed that is one of the reasons I started this Blog ~ but I think we need to start getting better.   I think we need to get some counselling and have suggested we go to "Relate"

I need to concentrate on this so my posts may be a little sporadic, non existent, or extensive and self indulgent at the moment I just don't know.

More Black dresses

Yesterday was a good day, it feels to strange to start like that when the weather so bad that I had to cancel all my arranged work, which has, of course put me further behind, as I had planned to have S working with me I am now three days on this week alone.   Anyway once I had made my decision about work I could make my phone calls and plan my day.   Since P was available I arranged to meet  her for lunch.

I took my time getting ready and had an uneventful trip down to Crawley, as P is moving on Friday this will be the last time we do this.   We had a pleasant lunch a bit jewelry shopping for P and a look around the shoe stores for me.   I still couldn't find anything that I like at a price I am prepared to pay ~ I may well have to compromise soon.   We also popped into Matalan, I wanted to try these dresses on in a size 16, I had tried the long one on in a different store, but the largest size they had was a 14, and I wanted a second opinion, i.e is the split in the long dress too high, and likewise is the hemline of the skater dress too high.   The store we went to had neither dress in stock in any sizes at all, this is probably a good thing as I could well have ended up buying at least one of them, when I really do have no use for yet another black dress.

I stopped of on the way home for a glass of wine (or two) and started reading a book P had recommended and lent to me "This Charming Man" by Marian Keyes, it's a bit early to tell yet but is quite fun so far.   Then home, to be greeted by the "cold shoulder" I had left out my nail polish quick dry spray and my wife was in a sulk about it, knowing what I do is hard enough for her t accept, she really does not want to see any evidence of it.   I shall have to find a way of making up for this a bit, I don't think flowers are going to cut it, and I am out tonight, she is out tomorrow, then I am out again Saturday night and my daughter and I are both out on Sunday, could be a tough few days now.

At least I will get my physical aches sorted out today when I visit the Osteopath.

More Silver

I haven't been up long, but it is now 8:30 and it's not light yet.   It doesn't look like it will get light at all today.   It's raining steadily and looks set to continue throughout mos of the day.   Looks like I shall have to cancel another day's work.

On the other hand I now have a big decision to make ~ shall I have lunch with P or with S?  or maybe I will meet S for a coffee before driving down to Crawley to meet P for lunch.

Yesterday afternoon I went into Croydon, I wanted to get my eyebrows threaded ready for Saturday night, so I was not wearing a wig and only had on mascara and lip gloss in the way of makeup.   Under my long overcoat I was wearing a pair of jeans and a tunic sweater with a cowl neck and some boots with a Cuban heel, so I suppose that without the big earrings I was a bit androgynous.   I noticed that I got a few more looks than usual.   After getting my eyebrows done I stopped by a Lancome counter to get some fresh foundation (I wanted something not too heavy but with good coverage), one I had foundation on it was quite noticeable that I was getting less attention from passers by ~ a clear lesson for me there.   I have worried about wearing too much makeup but this seems to make it clear that I do need to at least have some foundation and lipstick or gloss.

I am also after a pair of black shoes to wear in boy mode, but would prefer to buy women's.   On Saturday night the soles of my formal shoes parted company with the uppers, and this is not a good look with a DJ.   As I don't wear a suit for work anymore I only really wear black shoes when performing so I don't want to spend a fortune, but I would like some that respectable and are comfortable.   Clark's in Croydon had some very nice brogues that would have done nicely, but I don't like brogues with a dinner jacket, everything else I see I either like the uppers and not the sole/heel, or I like the sole/heel and not the uppers, maybe I will be a bit luckier when I go out today.

Every silver lining has a cloud

It looks as though Monday will be rainy, the BBC on line forecast shows heavy rain from eight in the morning to seven in the evening, with just the odd time of heavy showers to lighten the day.   I had planed a day's gardening, but it doesn't look as though I will be able to do much on that front, so I will be otherwise occupied.

I do have a fair bit of office work to do, but I may well take some out with me (the advantage of a laptop) and I also have some laundry to attend to.   It feels like some time since I have been out so I want to make the most of Saturday evening (my support groups Christmas dinner).   I plan to glam it up a fair bit, (if the pole falls on the side of sexy then I will also be wearing an ankle chain) I don't need to worry about blending as a whole group of us in company tends to stand out a bit.   One tall woman with strong features OK but seven or eight all over five foot ten is a bit obvious.   This makes me realise why some girls may not want to come to meetings of groups like this, I suspect that one cross dresser can blend, when I am in the company of a genetic girl I know I am accepted where ever I go, I suspect that two or more cross dressers together become more apparent, then more self conscious.   There is also the suspicion that this is just a way of making the closet bigger, if we are not out in the real world, dealing with civilians in the company of our less gender diverse friends then are we still in hiding?

Going to the support group did make it easier for me to continue to go out and extend myself building my self confidence and giving me reasons to go out, but for many of the girls it is the only place they feel they can dress and be with other people.   This is not really freedom, just a less restricting confinement.

Still, I had only intended commenting on the possible weather and the possibility of a small outing I would like to have a final lunch with my friend P before she moves, and there are one or two bits of shopping I want to do, I will have to see how the week works out.

Random Thoughts

Last night was something of a triumph, people laughed at my jokes, listened intently to my daughters songs, and clapped afterwards.   We all enjoyed ourselves and it was very gratifying to have a lot of thank yous from a lot of people afterwards ~ inevitably this all means that we will be doing it all again in a few months.   I will admit that I enjoy performing, I like being the centre of attention and I love trying to be funny, so standing up and having people laugh at my jokes is pretty cool, but I recon that playing in the backing band for my daughter is just about the coolest thing any 50 something year old bloke can ever do.

By the end of the evening I was feeling a bit drained, very happy with what we had done, a little tired but not sleepy, so we sat down together as a family, opened a bottle of wine and munched through a large bag of crisps watching "The X Factor".   For once I quite enjoyed the show (maybe because I was now fairly chilled out) even though I can't work out how the people who are left are there and some of the others aren't.   Knowing that I was not on any rotas for the morning it was nice to know that I didn't have to go to Church in the morning and could have lie in.

Because I didn't need to of course I did wake up (the only one in the family who did) and I did go to Church, I remember being particularly thankful that I was not on the rota for prayer ministry, I just planned to sit at the back share communion, and worship.   God had other plans, at the end of the sermon there was an impromptu alter call, and I ended up praying for several people.   This is a real privilege but I can find it a bit draining.   Both during and after the service I couldn't help but notice what people, well the ladies really, and a lot of the ladies were wearing boots today, I like boots and it was nice to see, but some of them were also pretty ugly, I have said before that I very much like the current fashion for tunics,, or short dresses with skinny jeans, leggings or thick tights with boots.   I like it so much that I have a pair of boots on order, I hope they arrive soon.

All Change

Being a bit of a girl myself I understand when my daughter will go through several changes of clothes in one day ~ generally it is a bit of a girl thing, making sure that the clothes match the occasion and the mood.   As a girl I will delight in the difference that clothes can make, the different colours, textures and styles, the way they can affect how I feel and behave.   At this point many cross dressers will tell you that on the other hand boy clothes are just boring and are only worn for warmth.   Well I'm not that boy.

I have a number of shirts that I am very fond of, I like a soft cotton print shirt, but am very fussy about the pattern.   I like a well cut jacket and trousers that fit well, I like clothes which ever gender they are made for, sure there are ugly male clothes, but then there are ugly female clothes as well ~ leggings come to mind straight away, very few can carry them off ~ I would love to see more cross over between what women and men wear, Women can wear pretty much any male clothing, but much of what women wear is still off limits to most men, I am not just thinking of dresses and skirts but shoes and boots, styles of jumper are limited.   I have got into the habit of wearing women's jeans and polo neck sweaters, I also have a pair of women's boots with a Cuban heel that I like to wear, but I have received a few comments, mostly favorable but it does get noticed.   I have on order a pair of low heel bots with a side zip and lace up at the back, I will have to see if I can wear them as a boy or if they will be limited to girl outfits.

Today I will be going through at least three outfits, all as the boy, when I do eventually get round to getting dressed it will be jeans and a casual top probably a black red and white hooped rugby jersey from a club I used to play for, that should see me through to getting ready to present this evenings cabaret.   I have not made a final decision yet but I will probably either wear a dinner jacket with a black shirt and black bow tie, or a shiny light grey suit wit a solid colour shirt (pink or blue) and tie.   During the second half of the show my daughter is doing a short set of a couple of Amy Winehouse songs with a rock band, I will be playing trombone in the horn section and it has been decided that we will be wearing "Blues Brothers" outfits of black suits, white shirts and black straight ties.

Hosting a cabaret in more hersute times

Apart from the fun of changes of clothes, and the challenge of being the MC for this event I think playing in the backing band for my daughter is quite possibly the coolest thing I have ever done.

The post has just arrived and I have received some padding I was anxious to receive before going out next Saturday night ~ that's a relief, and there is also an acknowledgment of my daughters application to the Brit School, we ow have a very anxious few months waiting t find out if she has got in.

I just don't know

I am very thankful (just to keep the theme going) to have had a good week's weather and have been making the most of it work wise.   As a consequence I have finished the working week tired and sore, but at least I have not fallen further behind with my work.  

Having missed out on my visit to the Osteopath last week, I a really looking forward to seeing him next Wednesday.   I have stopped deliberately setting out to tease him with what I wear, so I am pretty relaxed about what clothes I take off, but I do still like to make sure that I look OK when I am stripped down, this means that I do not want to have a body covered with stubble, and that my pant(ie)s should be clean and if my toe nails are painted they are in good order.   I will be going out next Saturday for my support group's Christmas Dinner when I will want to "glam it up" so I may want to prepare what I can in advance, so toes nails.......yep could could well be painted on Wednesday.

The Christmas dinner is the main social event we have so I will want to take advantage of the occasion, I think I will wear my black and silver cocktail dress my new silver shoes and depending on the outcome of the pole a ankle chain.   Of course I may wear my new mauve dress and some black shoes, or one of the LBDs, decisions decisions decisions.

Baffled!

I am bewildered, confused and disappointed. I have just heard about the decision of the General Synod not to go ahead with legislation to allow Women Bishops.   It is a shame that such a small proportion of the Church have the ability to block this essential development and damage the credibility of the entire Church at the same time.   The Bishops, the Clergy and the vast majority of the membership of the Church are all agreed, but a small proportion of highly conservative reactionaries can cause so much harm.

Psst does my bum look big in this

If they are not prepared to accept the will of majority and the authority of the Bishops and clergy then maybe it is time that they left the Church and allowed us to be a relevant authoritative and credible voice in society.   I am highly attached to the Church of England I am wedded to the concept of a universal servant Church, a church were every person has an ordained minister and a Church family to which they can belong, everyone in the Country has a local Parish Church with all that that entails.   Bishops sit in the House of Lords to give voice to the concerns of the community of faith, the Archbishops can ensure that Christian principles are at least aired at the highest levels, while still serving the whole community, yet this decision puts all of that at risk.   I foresee that Parliament will not accept this decision and will act anyway, this will be more divisive than anything that could have come out if they had gone ahead.

I think these cartoons show the sort of thinking that voted down the measure.