A Short note

Yesterday Stana touched a bit of a raw nerve.   She does the most marvellous pictures with her own annotations, this one appeared on Sunday.

During our first session of counselling, at one point the counsellor asked what sort of clothes I wear, my wife answered straight away "pretty trashy" then qualified it with a "judging by what I have found" now much of what she has found are the rejects, but this idea that I dress like a hooker (the trade, not my old position of the Rugby field) is in her mind, and although I did point out that I will generally wear either a dress just above knee length or mid calf or trousers, I suspect she is set in this idea.

I think she will be more than reluctant to meet Paula in person, so I'm not sure how to change this view, other than to just keep telling her when ever the subject comes up.   I do often wear a higher hemline than she does, but this is simply because being quite a tall girl I find that I prefer a length that is either short or long, those in between just look silly.   I will admit to a couple of mini skirts hiding at the bottom of a suitcase, but do I wear them?   well not when I am going out, and certainly not in nice company, after all I am not a teenage girl!   However my daughter is, and so she does wear skirts that are short, indeed some of them seem to barely qualify for the term skirt as opposed to belt, I reconcile myself to this with the thought that this is what teenage girls wear.   My daughter, unlike me, is quite short and so goes for the much shorter skirt to exaggerate the length of her legs, and on her it does look good, but then she is 15 not 5*

Catch up

First Christmas tree of the season

I see I have missed a few days of posting so this is a quick catch up, I have been very busy with lots of different things

• Saturday night my Symphonic Band played a concert at my Church, my first "Christmas event of the year.   As I host in effect the host this meant I had to set up, move the platform around set up chairs, while my wife and daughter prepared mulled wine and fruit juices, mince pies and "nibbles", decorated the tree etc. I also had to introduce the band and plug the appeal.  The evening was a great success, the band and audience both enjoyed themselves and we raised over £350 for the food box operation we run.   All very good but by the end we were all a bit drained.
• Sunday and I found I was on rota for both morning and evening services, due to the timing this left little time for much else apart from having lunch.   I find that of all the different roles I have in the Church family that praying for others can be one of the more draining, so yesterday we made a point of praying for each other after we had prayed for others, I think this is a good thing and we shall continue to do it.
• In amongst all this I have had to arrange three pieces for the Brass Band for tonight's rehearsal so we can perform them on Saturday, they are only short pieces but it all takes time, I have completed the arrangements but still have to print out the parts.
• We have not yet heard from Relate about an appointment for some more counselling, I hope I didn't freak the out too much, but given the well worn statistic on one in every hundred men being a cross dresser I'm sure they must have someone with some experience, I am still hopeful.
• My wife has not said much but has done some research and has found WOBS Women of the Beaumont Society I'm not sure if she has contacted them yet, but has said she will, she also found Changing Attitudes, an organisation I had not come across before, but intend to investigate further.   I a not interested in getting involved with any campaigning or aggressive outing r anything like that, but some prayerful consideration and theological discussion could be right up my street.

In short a very busy, but progressive time. I also expect to have a lot of work on (which is good) as tomorrow I will be seeing one of my consultancy customers about taking on a period of office cover which would mean two days a week for a few months.   This would be a big change in the way I work, but would give a much needed financial boost and some security.

Marriage

Thank you all for your support as we go through what is a difficult time in our marriage, I am convinced that this is a difficult time, and that working together we can get through it and be stronger for the experience.   It has forced us to look at ourselves, and how we relate to each other, on reflection I am glad that we have started the process and am confident that we will survive and prosper as a consequence.

Under the circumstances it feels a little odd to be writing about marriage in general at all, but I am a big fan of marriage, and so want to see the institution flourish.   It looks like the Government will soon be publishing a bill extending the opportunity to be married to same sex couples.   At first I believed all the hype from some Christian activist websites and e-mail news that this was a re-definition of marriage, that Churches would be forced into having to hold ceremonies against their firmly held believes, that in short this was the end of society as we know it.

The case against

This is not a crazy as it sounds after all marriage is the bedrock of our society, it is the standard context for a family, and although it has been through a time where marriages are breaking up more and more, there does seem to be no popular taste for abandoning it as our standard for living.   I was interested to hear David Cameron saying that they will now after all allow same sex marriages in places of worship, as a response to the consultation several Churches and synagogues want to be able to solemnise these marriages, just as I now feel that people who happen to be born homosexual should not be denied the joy, the dignity, and the security of true marriage, then neither should those of faith be denied the opportunity to have this solemnised in Church, or indeed neither should the Church be denied the opportunity to serve it's members in this way.   It seems that for once I am actually agreeing with David Cameron and the Government (if not the Conservative party), I find this somewhat uncomfortable but when I find I am wrong I am prepared to change my mind!

The case for

I do think it is important that there is protection for those religious groups who are opposed to this, whatever their faith, and there may well be areas of law such as equality and human rights legislation that have to be looked at to accommodate them, without such an accommodation I cannot see such a bill getting through Parliament, and I now feel that it is more important that as a society we should allow all who wish to be married to be married.   This is not a re-definition of marriage, more a widening of the franchise.

The Church of England has a pretty poor track record recently of following the will of it's members, this may be an opportunity for the (all male still) Bishops to take a lead, make sure that the rights of individual Churches are protected, while not impinging on the rights of individual people.

Sorry, no jokes today, Meg beat me to it again!

Blue Peter

The enduringly popular BBC children's TV show Blue Peter often has a slot where one of the presenters will make something, or at least appear to, as they are not always particularly adept  there is usually one on hand to show, with the immortal line "here's one I made earlier.   Because of this the term Blue Peter has entered my lexicon simply to mean One I made Earlier.

Well before my home situation blew up I bought myself a long red sweater / tunic, very cozy and snuggly, I had also acquired a nice pair of low heeled black boots.   Even though I have often railed against leggings I thought the top and boots would go well with black leggings, so the other day I tried them as an outfit, I didn't get fully dressed or made up, just tried the outfit, and I think I was right it does seem to work.   Not sure I should go out without all the padding and some warpaint, but I remember feeling very comfortable.

Today (Wednesday) I got a call from the organiser of our support group, she had found a couple of leaflets
that she thought might help our situation (from GIRES and from WOBS ) so I popped over to see her and pick up the leaflets.   When I got home I found earlier today my wife had already visited the WOBS web site, and was thinking of giving them a call.   Of course I can only encourage this, and take it as a positive sign that she is at least prepared to try to understand, I really don't think I can ask for more than that, I can't begin to understand how difficult it must be for her, and for my daughter, I hope that these support organisations cane help where I only flounder.

We have agreed we want to continue with the counselling so this evening I dropped a form off at our local Relate Centre, now we just have to wait and see when they can see us and who gets assigned to our case, I did ask for someone with some experience in trans matters, but of course they may not have anyone who fits this description available.   Mind you if we accept the 1 in 100 statistic then there is a fair chance that at least one of the counselors themselves in trans to some degree.

Freddy Bassett's

Joe makes a very good point, I do wonder whether my cross dressing is the problem, or a symptom of other problems in our lives, in our marriage.   Some of the questions I was asked on Tuesday at our first session made me wonder, "what triggers the urge to dress?" "Why have you not sought help to stop before?" "Are there not other ways you can feel feminine without the clothes?" however I also wonder if they are the right questions at all.

I am very confused at the moment, but I do know that I want to do whatever I can to make our marriage "work" at the moment I have trust that my wife shares this determination, I think there are areas where we both need to change.   I think that there are often times when my status within the family is undermined (I won't go into details) following these occasions I will often find I am dressing, or at least thinking about it more.   It seems strange that maybe I react to having my masculinity undermined by boosting my femininity, or maybe this is just another source of stress...... too many questions not enough answers.

Feeling pretty grotty this morning, and seeing the snow fall I decided on a day at home, I have some data entry work to catch up on so it won't be a wasted day, but started off with a long soak in the bath, while I was soaking there was yet another piece on Woman's Hour about prostitution, one of the interviewees made the unchallenged assertion that no one had the right to make a moral judgement about what other people do, well maybe - to a certain extent.   I don't want anyone making a moral judgement about my clothing choices, but much of our legal infrastructure is based on moral judgements, this is why we have laws against rape, child abuse, violent crimes etc. etc. to a great extent the basis of society is the consensus of moral judgement, it is just that the centre of that judgement changes.   In the 60's much was illegal that is now an accepted part of everyday life, there is still a mutual moral judgement, it is just that our collective view used to be that homosexual acts should not be allowed, now the view has changed so that any discrimination on the basis of sexual preferences is anathema to most of us.   We not only have the right to make a moral judgement, we have an obligation to, it's just that most of us only have an opportunity to act on those judgements once every five years or so.   I do think that we need to address the legal situation of people working in the sex trade (it is not an industry!) and I am glad that BBC is grasping this thorny issue, this is just the sort of thing the BBC is good at and should be encouraged to continue to do.

Just for Juliet, from Chambers (1993 edition) " Minutia mi-nū shi-∂ a minute particular or detail:- usu in pl minutiae (-ĕ) " There I knew it must be in there somewhere

Tell me a story

I don't often publish anonymous comments ~ partly because if you are not prepared to admit to a name I think you undermine your credibility, and partly because most of them are not worthy of being published.   This morning I got an anonymous comment on an old post Fiction Mania? it turns out to be from Courtney Act (presumably a "nom de plume" which is fine) linking to a story she has written and published on Fictionmania.   I have read the story and it is a good sensible account of what must have been a very good time for her, the point is that it is just the sort of thing I was complaining about the absence of, a nice story rather than an account of a sexual fantasy.

I do think that to a certain extent these stories can be a way of experiencing cross dressing vicariously, when we don't have the opportunity to dress ourselves we can enjoy the experience of others by reading about them, however I do not feel the same way about enjoying other people's sexual fantasies.   Well done Courtney a well written nice account, I strongly suspect autobiographical.

A Landmark passed

Well we had our first (assessment) counselling session this evening, it was an interesting experience, for my taste a little too much emphasis was placed on my crossdressing, but then I guess that that is the most prominent symptom of our difficulties.   However I do think it was a good start to a process, and I think we will continue with it.   I have asked that we are assigned a counsellor with some experience intrans matters, but I am not convinced that that is necessary, what is necessary is that we talk and we have now started.   When my wife started to talk about how she felt when she found out about my dressing she started to cry (quite genuinely, she has no guile) and I just wanted to embrace her. This reminded me w much I love her, but also reminded me that all was not well with our relationship then, I am forced to wonder how much of my dressing is a symptom rather than a cause.

This is something of a landmark, an acknowledgement that although we do have problems we are still committed to each other, we still love each other, I just have to trust that the process will work in the mean time I will have to do what I can to show my commitment.

And yes we also passed 50,000 page views today

GOLD!

One way and another it has been a pretty busy weekend, after going out to dinner on Saturday night yesterday morning we were all up bright and early as my wife took me and my daughter into Croydon to catch a coach as we travelled down to Southampton for a band festival, we had a good day out and spent a bit of time together ~always good ~ my band played well and received a gold award, the only problem another band received a platinum, we now have to wait to see if we will be invited to play in the finals next year.

By the time we got home a cold I have been fighting off finally got it's hold of me, and I just spent the rest of the afternoon and evening in front of the TV watching the weekend's rugby and old episodes of "Cheers"

I was very pleased with the England performance, and equally disappointed with the Welsh, there was a game to be won there and they lost it, I could go on (and on and on) about these two games but I will refrain.

This morning woke up feeling grotty, running nose, sore throat, tired muscles, yuck! but have to go to work anyway, would have preferred to stay in bed all day and feel sorry for myself.   Again this evening I shall have to force myself to go to the band rehearsal to practise more Christmas music, by the time Christmas comes I will be sick of it.   I just hope I am feeling a bit better tomorrow, I really don't want to be feeling "ick" and sorry for myself when we have our first counselling session.   I don't know what to expect, and am trying hard not to anticipate what may or may not be said.    Strangely things feel much better between us already, both of us making more effort to accommodate the other and being more considerate of each others feelings.   For me the permission to go to the dinner on Saturday night is a sign that this is not going to be one way traffic and that we can work this out between us.   I may be feeling grotty, but I am also optimistic.

I may not get another opportunity to dress this year, but if I know there is not total blanket ban then I can look forward to the odd day out and that should be enough.   Ideally I woudl love my wife to accept this side of me and embrace Paula as a friend, but that is never going to happen so I will settle for what I can get, and keep focused on the "big picture".

On a different note it looks as though I shall tick over the 50,000 views today, thank you all for sticking with me.

Good Bye to all That

Well we had a great time, I've just got home and it's already tomorrow so this is just a quick update until I get time to write more.   Despite a nail polish disaster I felt pretty good about how I looked, maybe a bit too glam for the occasion, but I wanted to make the most of tonight, cold or not.   So no to thick woolly tights and sweaters, on with the seemed stockings and silky cocktail dress.   I also wore my new high heels, I just wanted to make sure I wore them a least once, and of course following the popular vote an anklet.

I think we all had a good night chatting and enjoying each others company, I met a couple of girls I didn't know which is always nice, I was also asked if I could make it to the next meeting as there will be another married girl there, perhaps I could help her, well at the moment I don't feel as though I am in any position to offer help or guidance to others, but if I could I would, but all other considerations aside, my schedule simply will not allow it (even if my wife would)

A couple of the girls took some photos, if I get copies I will post them.   In the mean time I have now changed back into drab, before going upstairs to bed, cleaned off all my war paint, taken off my nail polish, fingers and toes, and even trimmed down my finger nails.   So as long as I don't take my shirt or trousers off I now look just like any other bloke.   In a couple of weeks all my body and leg hair will have grown back, this is goodbye to Paula, at least for the rest of 2012, who knows what 2013 will have in store.

To dine or not to dine

I feel sure that we are on the edge of a new stage in our relationship, I don't know where we are going or how we are going to get there, but I do know things are changing.   Relationships with my wife have been a lot better over the last couple of days, positively friendly.   Now usually my wife says what she means but often she will also store things (especially resentments) up, until they burst out.  

So back to the question do I go out to dinner tonight or stay home?   Originally y daughter was going to watch a film with a friend, the friend has dropped out so my wife immediately offered to go with her, I was not asked, and felt I would not be wanted.   I do not want to fail a test I don't know I'm taking, so I felt the only thing to do was to come right out with it and ask, and she sad yes, go; so I will.   I just have to trust that we are both joining in this new found spirit of openness and honesty.

The weather has turned very cold the last couple of days so I have been considering whether I am better dressing for the weather, with boots leggings and a sweater dress / tunic.   This would be sensible, but I strongly expect this to be my last outing for some time, so I want to wear some sheer hosiery and frivolous shoes.   I may be too glam for the evening, I may stand out even, but tonight I feel like throwing caution to the wind.   So I come back the question I asked a while back (but feels like ages) shall it be a little black dress, or the black and silver cocktail dress.   I am on my own now so I will try a couple of alternative outfits and see which I prefer for tonight.   Whatever I choose and whatever happens I will try to report back before Tuesday, when we go for our first session of counselling, I think that may well be a post all of it's own.