It seems to me that as I transition each gain has a corresponding loss, a little like Newtons' third law of motion, I have gained a new name, but at the same time I have lost one that I have been used to and am familiar with, I have gained a new wardrobe, but have lost some much loved options. I have gained some (very wonderful) friends, but have lost acquaintances that I thought were more.
I will not talk here about the loss of special relationship, as so far there has been no equal and opposite reaction, but the loss that has been very much grieving me has been the loss of my Church family. Maybe I could have operated with a little more self restraint and maintained my membership of the church I have been with for 16 years a little longer, but my gender identification has hardly been a secret and anyone who had not realised was a candidate for the "No Shit Sherlock!" award; and on reflection continuing to maintain the lie was not doing anyone any good.
The breakdown of my marriage was always going to mean moving Church, and I always knew that it would be difficult to transition within the Church, but none the less leaving still hurt. Knowing that I would have to leave I have been visiting a few other local Churches, but none of them seemed to me to be a fit. I have got used to a Charismatic Evangelical Church using contemporary worship, (or to most people "Happy Clappy"), even though I was often teased as being the token Anglican as I do like a bit of liturgy all the other Churches I visited were very much in the Anglo Catholic tradition (Bells & Smells) where although the people were very friendly and welcoming I just couldn't feel comfortable with the practise, (or style if you prefer).
During the week I got a very nice accepting message from one of my customers, knowing that she worships in a local Church I decided to give the a try. This morning I managed to travel the little bit further to that church and found them to be friendly, with a style of worship I am happy, indeed I felt as though I had found a new home. It is, of course, still early days but after playing at a sunrise service next Sunday I will be returning to celebrate Easter there.
With my living arrangements so much up in the air I cannot commit to anything long term, but it is a great relieve to have found somewhere I can worship "in Spirit and Truth"