Paula's Place

Paula's Place

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

Now?!

Now, I reckon I'm doing pretty well so far, we've got as far as N and I've only made one small slip when I posted twice under I.   Still too much is better than not enough.

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Never before have I tried anything like this challenge, I have been blogging for a while and have always just posted about either what was on my mind, or reporting on events in my life.   In other words pretty much what a blogger does.   I know some people will use their blog to promote themselves, their Company or product, some will use it to promote a point of view, a lifestyle or just to share with other like minded individuals.   I started Paula's place largely around the latter idea.   I was in a situation where I didn't know any other cross dressers and I just needed to talk about some of the issues this brought into my life.   I felt I couldn't talk to any of my family or friends so I started the blog just to have somebody to talk to.

Naturally as time went on things evolved, I find that these days Paula's place is less and less a blog about being trans, much more it's about being me.   What I get up to and what I feel about things, in other words it's about me, not about one aspect of being me.   While this makes for a more interesting blog it is also a reflection of how I have changed myself, as I have spread my wings, gone out into the world and started to have real world experiences, doing the things that I do, making music, visiting galleries and gardens, social gatherings and shopping trips that include groceries and not just clothes.

Nearly always when I first started to go out, I would create an opportunity, this would be something outside of my usual life, a special shopping trip, a visit to a coffee shop, anything.   But it was always on my own and it was never productive.   Sure it was fun, a release, a chance to express myself, but somehow not fully satisfying and not really part of the real world not least because I was also always on my own.   That meant the only people I ever spoke with were sales assistants, and although invariably friendly this is hardly the basis for serious social interchange!

Next I joined a support group, met others in similar positions or at least at a different point on the same road.   This helped to give me more confidence, to build a better idea of who I am as a woman.   As I said in my last post music has always been a key essential in my life, so I joined the LGSO and started to play as Paula.   This was a major step forward as I was not only the sole bass trombone, I was also the sole representative of the T in LGBT!  

Nonetheless all this pushing of my comfort zone, I was still very much in the closet, I was making the closet bigger all the time but I was still inside.   It is only more recently since I have stared to play with other orchestras, and to come out to more of my friends that I am beginning to get real world experience.   So far nearly all of that experience has been positive, I am impressed with how accepting the majority of people are, if they care few show it, and most of those who do are positive.

Normally going to a new orchestra all I have to worry about is how well I will play, compared to the others there.   It feels just as out of place to be much better than others as it is to be much worse.   Generally I like to be just a little worse than the rest of the section, then they will help me improve.   I am now throwing another level of acceptance / stress into the mix I do not fool myself that anyone will think that I am anything other than trans, so it is a question of how they react, at the Pelly Orchestra the one "Civilian" group I have played with so far no one cared how I looked as long as I didn't frighten the children and could play my instrument.   Having said that I did already know some of  the players and the conductor.   When I play with the Euphonia Orchestra soon I will know no one there, and I haven't warned them of my status, it will be interesting to see what sort of reception I get, it will also be interesting to see what standard they are.   I am currently resisting committing to more than one concert ~ just in case we don't suit each other.

Note; ~ I have just heard I did not get the post I auditioned for the other day, I was right they selected my friend Katrina, and I think they made the right choice, and they will suit each other very well.   I am quite looking forward to playing with the band again "under her baton".
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