I'm not quite sure what prompted the thoughts this afternoon, but I started to to wonder about this whole transgender thing I have found myself in. There are a lot (apparently according to the Internet) of transvestites of one form or another, those who call themselves "sissies" seem to be quite prevalent (on the Internet that is). This seems to involve dressing in pretty pink the more lace, satin and bows the better, and practicality is not an issue. This also seems to be heavily linked with a submissive side, whether that is of a sexual and fantasy nature only or throughout life I am not in a position to say. There also seem to be a lot who are primarily interested in the clothes, The fashionista who is so "into" the clothes that they can only find satisfaction through wearing them, this too may well have a sexual element but it is certainly not so evident. I always used to think that this was where I fitted in, but I am not so sure anymore.
As I have increasingly been doing ordinary things, normal activities but dressed as I prefer, I find that, yes, there is a very strong desire to be pretty, but more I want to be treated as a lady, to have my femininity acknowledged, to be accepted as a woman. This I now find is more important that just wearing the clothes, also the clothes I choose to wear has been changing, sure I still like a short skirt, but I will no longer even consider anything on the more, err, flamboyant end of leisure interest clothing, OK so I do still have the black leather mini skirt, but it would have to be a very special occasion for it to come out in public. I want to look pretty, elegant, maybe even desirable, but not like I am in fancy dress as a teenage girl or a hooker.
I am starting to ramble now, as what I actually wanted to write about was some of the things I enjoy about being a man. I like my strength, that is my physical strength, and I enjoy the physicality of using it, mostly in the course of my work these days but I know it's there. I enjoy being able to walk into a pub on my own and not worry about my safety. I know that this is a right everybody should be able to enjoy, but as a middle aged fit white an I have a definite advantage. I don't like to feel vulnerable, just as I don't like rejection, as a white middle aged man I not only feel safe, but my opinions are taken seriously, there is an assumption that I know what I am talking about. I have just been to quote for a job, I am quite sure that my apparent persona was a factor in everything I said being accepted.
I like being a father, I'm not sure how good a father I am, but my relationship with my daughter gives me more pleasure, and more angst than just about anything else. I don't think I would make a good mother. I like being a husband, I like that my loved ones rely on me, on my strength and my ability to provide, even though my track record has not always been great.
In many ways the things I like about being a man are the opposites of what I like about being a woman, As a woman I like to be able to defer to others, I like to be provided for (even if it is just being bought drinks) I like to feel protected, I like to feel I am in some way ornamental (of course not solely ornamental, but I like to fool myself that by presenting myself as well as I can I can be elegant, pretty, even desirable).