I said I had more to write on what I want to achieve when I go out dressed. This is not a simple thing, indeed of course it is not just one thing, on a simple level it is to look good and to feel good, but there is more than that. There is something about making the outside match the inside. Although I have often stated that I have no intention or desire to transition or to go “full time” I find that that is increasingly down to my family and other commitments, as a general rule Paula seems to be a happier more contented person than “Him”. Anyway I digress, on to much weightier matters, back to simple dressing.
As a general rule I try to achieve a degree of elegance, I will never be pretty, but with care and attention anyone can be elegant. This means paying attention to details, wearing appropriate jewellery and accessories, nice make up and co-ordinated clothes. This sounds simple but it always surprises me how few people of any gender pay attention to these things. It is always noticeable when someone is well dressed, and this does not need to be a reflection of wealth or style, more a question of care. Most of my clothes are from charity shops, this means I can buy good quality for very little. I am currently sitting in a coffee house with my laptop, wearing a Marks & Spencer trouser wool mix suit which cost me less than £10, a pair of Jacques Michell court shoes which cost £2.99 and a selection of costume jewellery and a charity shop watch. Total outfit cost probably under £25.
I want to feel good, some of this is the same as being elegant, but it is also about finding my own style, feeling as though I look attractive, as though I am attractive. This means that I will also dress how I know “He” likes to see a girl dress. It is still strange to me that the way I dress can make me feel differently, some of my outfits make me feel sophisticated, some sexy, some just comfortable and relaxed. I used to just concentrate on the ones that made me feel sexy, but I am beginning to grow up now.
I want to look good, now this is slightly different again, what I mean is that I want to wear the clothes I choose to wear in a way that shows them well. This means that when I chose to wear female clothing I need to fill the clothes in right places. I tell myself this is why I use padding in certain areas. When I first started to dress in public the only reason I started to wear a bra and to pad it was so that the clothes would hang correctly. Again when wearing a dress it is only reasonable to make the whole thing match, clothes, jewellery, hair, make up. I accept that I may well never truly pass, but if I look good then does that matter? If the whole presentation is a unified whole then I feel that I can bend in.
I don’t want to frighten the natives. As I have said before I am not at all sure that I pass, I suspect that most of the time when I called madam people are just being polite, and honouring how I am presenting myself. But I do try to blend, that is not to stand out other than through my height and maybe my elegance. As I make the effort to look reasonable in what I choose to wear, to complete my presentation with gestures, posture, walk etc. I am not obviously a man in a dress and that helps other people to accept me. This is an extension of the not dressing as a girl while wearing a beard, not wearing clothes that should not be worn by anyone outside of the bedroom, and not wearing clothes that may (or from a parent’s point of view may not) be suitable for a 16 year old girl but certainly not for a lady the wrong side of the half century.
This is also a bit about the difference between drag and cross dressing, for e drag is over the top glitzy, towering high heels, big hair, big boobs, and make up laid on with a trowel. Drag wants to stand out, drag wants to be seen, wants to be noticed, wants to be the centre of attention. Cross dressing wants to be accepted and treated like any other woman. That I think is the crux of it for me, I dress to be treated the way any other woman would want to be.
I am taking it as a given that most other women want to look good, and be acknowledged for looking good, like a little positive attention and feedback on the care they have taken with their appearance; but do not want to be gawped at, laughed at, or stared at, and that pretty much describes what I want.