Paula's Place

Paula's Place

Saturday, 13 May 2017

It's not always Easy

Although this started out as a Transgender Blog, it is an area of my life that I talk about less and less.   As my Wife has been known to comment "Not everything is about Gender", however it is often hard to relax and accept that even though I may not be everybody's idea of a "normal" woman this is me.   Increasingly I find that once I am up and going I rarely think about gender, just every now and then when I am struck with the incongruous.

When I am working I dress accordingly ~ jeans and sweater/ shirt or tee shirt ~ I do not wear make up or jewelry, it just wouldn't be sensible so when on occasion I am miss gendered I try to take it in my stride and not appear too offended.   But it does hurt, and when I am dressed up with the full shlap and sparkles then it really hurts!   It really hurts when people get my name wrong, and when it is deliberate I find it antagonistic, and I hate confrontations.

Perhaps I have been sending the wrong messages by not pulling people up when they get it wrong, maybe I have been sending the wrong messages by not writing about these things here; but generally I prefer to look on the up side and present a happy face.

The other morning I was sat at my dressing table and all I could see looking back at me was this old bloke, with big hands and thick muscular arms, it's difficult to explain how this feels, but it depresses, it undermines self confidence, it makes me want to hide and not go out; but work has to be done and life has to go on.   I pull on my big girl's pants and get on with it, then the episode of dysphoria passes and I get back to my normal fabulousness.

I'm having a course of facial electrolysis, which hurts, it also means that some hair has to be allowed to grow long enough to be pulled out. My next treatment is on Monday and I am having to allow the hair on my top lip grow, so it will look like I'm growing a moustache over the next few days, if you see me please don't ask, just pretend not to notice.

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