Paula's Place

Paula's Place

Friday, 11 April 2014

Incognito

Well this IS a busy week, I'm shattered and it's only Thursday.   It's another of those weeks when I'm out on some activity or another every night of the week.   Thursday night (check diary) Audition as Co-Director of the London Gay Symphonic winds, that was certainly fun, but I don't want t do it again in hurry.   The whole experience was more than a little stressful, even though I was amongst friends, as many of the band are either members or supports of the London Gay Symphony Orchestra.   I don't expect to get the post, Karen (one of the others who auditioned) is a much finer musician than me, and the other one I heard seemed to be pretty good as.   I also suspect that their backgrounds will be easier to check than mine.

As we relaxed over a pint in the pub after the rehearsal / auditions I realised that there is yet another level of consideration and stress now that Paula is socialising and building friendships.   Now I suspect that it is pretty obvious to all and sundry that I am trans, but what is not so apparently obvious is that I am not full time, and that I have more history as a boy than as a girl.   Indeed in a way I feel as though I am incognito, I can't really proclaim the fullness of who and what I am (that would be just impolite) yet if I am to join in conversation then it is inevitable that I need to refer to experiences I have had as "Him"

Today I found myself talking about motor bikes on another occasion it might be Rugby; it is quite easy, well comparatively easy to remember to use a lot of gender neutral terms, like youngster, or child rather than boy, chorister rather than choir boy.   But girls of my age simply didn't play rugby, and nice ones didn't ride motorbikes.   While everyone may understand about my genetics, the polite ones will overlook that and accept that I wish to be treated as the girl I understand myself to be, it just becomes a little awkward when I need to explain where and how I got certain bits of my experience.   It feels a little dishonest  this telling the truth, but not the whole truth, yet in way I suspect that this is what a lot of do.

My whole truth is a little complicated, but everyone has layers of complication that there is no need to share, so I am sure I have no need to feel guilty, or indeed a fraud, it's just that other people's complications can't be seen while mine are a little more obvious.   It's all becoming a bit of a strain no being fully authentic.   Being one person one day and another on another.   I long for the time when I am once again simply me, rather than this constant hiding and half truths, to no longer be in the the closet at all, no more incognito, just me.
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