Back in 2014 |
"The Stodge" 2024 |
The experiences and adventures of the World's Leading Transgender Conductor and Bass Trombone and Tuba Playing Christian Gardener.
Back in 2014 |
"The Stodge" 2024 |
At the moment I seem to keep passing milestones, and today is no exception. It is both a sobering and an encouraging day, for today I have received the first payment of my state pension. ~ I won't be living a life of luxury on it, but alongside my small occupational pension it does mean I will be able to live at some level of financial security. For me financial security is not something I have experienced for any substantial period of time having spent the majority of my career self employed, I hope to use these next few years to pursue some of the things that give me most satisfaction, making music, watching rugby, cooking (and eating) good food, and enjoying time with friends.
While indulging in the last two of those the other day two of us were considering our musical careers over the years and how different factors had impacted them, my lunch companion observed that whenever I referred to myself in my pre transition days I either used my "dead name" or "Him" never "me". I have noticed this in other trans women as well, it is an interesting phenonium. I am generally quite careful of language (especially when in conversation with those I have not known for long) I will talk of my days as a chorister ~ not as a choir boy, or when I was a child; I might refer to other girls but not other boys. I am also well known for referring to my pretransition days as "in another life". This is not because I don't know who I was or how the world experienced me back then, it's more because I don't want to screw with other people's minds too much.
Fat and Ugly? |
It is now over 51 years since the inaugural concert of the Youth Orchestra, where I made many friends, discovered so much music, and had the the most intense rehearsal period of my life. Maybe we missed an opportunity and should have had a reunion of some sort. I know that a 52nd anniversary doesn't sound as dramatic as a 50th, but I wonder, if I was to organise something who would come? So, I am going to throw it out there ~ If I build it will you come? I know I am in touch through social media with a few of you, lets just ask round and see if we can do this before we all die off!
Arthur Davison, our conductor |
Now music has become an expensive extracurricular that only a few can afford, add to that the very limited opportunities for young people to hear live music, ~ real people, playing real music, on real instruments in front of them ~ how are they going to know if they want to play or not. I recently performed at a junior school in Surrey, until that point none of the children had heard live music outside of school assemblies. There is an old adage that if you can't see it you can't be it, I think that also applies to if you don't hear it you can't play it!
Now I am moving into a new stage in my life I wonder if there is some way that I can help schools introduce more young people to music, to show them some of the possibilities that they might not be aware of ~ if we don't do something soon then not only will we not have the instrumentalists for our bands and orchestras, we won't have any audiences either.
Keir Starmer may now be the most recognised former member of CYPO but our alumni include Matt Dunkley, Roger Coull, Paul Goodwin, Dominic Hackett, Imogen East, Stina Wilson, Rupert Bond, Daryl Davison, Beverley Davison, and so many more of us who have contributed to the musical life of the Country.
The more eagle eyed amongst you may have noticed a couple of changes to Paula's Place, I have updated the links to other Blogs on the left hand side and I have added a page!
My Music is where I am sharing my arrangements and original compositions ~ mostly for Concert Band or Brass Band, but there are also a couple of odd chamber works for various groups. These are just the ones I have published, and I will be adding to them as I publish more and more of my work. I just started typing "As I move further into my retirement" but I don't think retirement is really the correct term. "Retirement" suggest stopping work, my plan is to continue to work, just at different things in different ways, without the same economic imperative to earn money from everything I do. Arranging and composition are prime examples I don't anticipate earning much from this work, I just hope a few people will choose to play some of it.
I have now been in contact with my Doctor and the best they can offer is to see their physiotherapist, but the first available appointment is not for two weeks! The trouble is that I am now convinced that this is an RSI from playing the tuba, but I don't know what to do, do I exercise it and paly a bit regularly, do I give it total rest, or do I just avoid playing the tuba? Should I use ice, or heat? The biggest worry is not knowing.
One of my take aways from this is that even though we moan that Trans people are neglected by the NHS, or how much people with Fibromyalgia or EDS are miss understood or ignored, it makes me realise that the NHS is broken and at the moment is serving nobody well. I think the main thing I will be judging our new Labour Government on over their next five years in power is going to be the state of the NHS.
Just another middle aged woman |
A Typical Cross Dresser |
It wasn't until I was around fifty that I actually started to go out at all.
Now I find reading the blogs from cross dressers very interesting, mostly they seem very contented with their lot, they enjoy their time out, relieve the stress of modern male life, enjoy the clothes, the attention (or lack of it), have a very pleasant time, then go home and get changed. Indeed it was reading here about how others feel after an outing that has prompted this post! Those who commented all agreed that afterwards they felt better, relaxed, and would be feeling positive and looking forward to their next outing. This is very interesting, and I feel in some ways shows the difference between cross dressers and those of us who transition, While I remember the elation of being out and of experiencing the World as a woman, and indeed having the World experience me as a woman my feelings when I had to go back to DRAB were very different. I was always sad afterwards, I used to talk about "putting Paula back in her box" but the overwhelming emotion was one of bereavement. Not so much looking forward to the next opportunity to dress up and go out as much as mourning that these were only ever snatched moments.
I have often reflected on my need for the World to experience me as a woman, the acceptance, the vindication, the affirmation, I have also often reflected on how I experienced the World as a Woman, and indeed how these both changed after I went "Full Time", I have rarely reflected on how I felt afterwards, yet I think it was the sadness, the feeling of loss, of bereavement that finally convinced me that I needed to "go fulltime" ~ to transition. I sincerely believe that my decisions were right, even though in the process I did hurt and confuse the people I most loved, I have not experienced that sense of deep personal loss about myself since, and frankly I believe that if I had continued as I was that feeling would have become unendurable.
There is an old joke that comes around every now and then "What's the difference between a cross dresser and a transsexual?" ~ "About three years" on reflection I think maybe it is that for some of us cross dressing is a relief, an occasional outlet or expression of our femininity, for others it is a vital stepping stone towards a new life.
Of course autumn is a time for harvests and as the saying goes fruitfulness, but for those of us less directedly connected to the land it is a time for fresh beginnings as well. It is the start of the new school year, and along with that many bands and orchestras start their new season in September. On Friday it was a joy to get back to rehearsals with the Phoenix Concert Band, it is great to see old friends, to make music together and to introduce a couple of new members into our midst. A new season also means new music, so it is pretty exciting all round. This is going to be one of our busier terms with a Remembrance Parade to play for as well as a couple of Christmas Concerts, that means a very wide selection of music to rehearse.
This photo is about five or six years old, and at least a couple of stone (28 pounds or around 15 kg) ago. I still have these boots, and the leggings and tee shirt ~ there's no way that I'd look this good in them now, I think it is finally time that I made a concerted effort to lose some of my excess weight ~ perhaps I should give myself the target of a stone before Christmas?
"The season of Mists and Mellow Fruitfulness" is the first line from John Keat's "To Autumn"
This view from my balcony will tell anyone who know me that I'm not at home.
I'm just taking a quick break in the sun, unfortunately an old health issues has flared up which I think will put me out of playing action for quite a while. Hopefully I will know more when I get home and can consult my Doctor. In the mean time here's another lovely picture
Following the announcement in my last post I realised that it was high time I thought about changing the Strap Line on this Blog, after all if I'm no longer a working Gardener can I really still claim to be "The World's leading Transgender Conductor and Bass Trombone and Tuba playing Christian Gardener" ? But that leaves me with the problem of how to describe myself, and my blog, since I have barely written anything over the last couple of years I don't really know how much is going to be about music, how much about my Motor Sport, how much about being trans, or indeed just stuff. Gardening is always going to be one of my passions so maybe I should just leave it as it is for while.
The eponymous Mrs T |
Over the years I have had many instruments, yet Mrs T is the only one I have regretted selling. Indeed I have a constant eBay search for "Hawkes" just in case she becomes available again.
There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens
a time to be born and a time to die
a time to plant and a time to uproot
a time to kill and a time to heal
a time to tear down and a time to build
a time to weep and a time to laugh
a time to mourn and a time dance
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing
a time to search and a time to give up
a time to keep and a time to throw away
a time to keep and a time to throw away
a time to tear and a time to mend
a time to be silent and a time to speak
a time to love and a time to hate
a time for war and a time for peace.
For those not in the know this is a quote from the Old Testament book of Ecclesiastes (Chapter 3) one of the "Books of Wisdom", and one that perfectly illustrates so much of my life. As I approach yet another big change in my life it feels even more pertinent than ever. Often in my life I have tried to do everything, all at once, all together ~ it simply doesn't work! Often through the years I have found that by trying to do too much I am not doing anything as well as I should. Trying to play rugby the afternoon before a gig is a good illustration!
Conducting Phoenix Concert Band, Sutton |
This month I will start getting my state pension, and my "Bus Pass" so financially I will be no worse off, it does still feel like a big change, and a little intimidating as does any big change. But, this is not an end, it is a new beginning, I will have more time to devote to music, and to Motor Sport!
Photo credit Tunbridge Wells Motor Club |
I note that only once before I have used the "Motor Sport" label, and that wasn't about me! I am now only a couple of meetings away from my second season of Sprinting. It's nothing too high octane, I am sharing a car with a friend so we can split some of the cost but it is great fun, and I think I might be OK at it. There are only three of us in the class for my club championship so it is hard to tell.
Over on her "Condo" my friend Cyrsti has been writing a bit about what it means to be trans, this sort of makes a nice change from the crossdresser blog post of "I had a lovely day out dressed as...." or the many blog posts about the process of transition. I know they all have their place and can be interesting ~ or at least I hope they do as I've written enough of them myself over the years. I suppose this is a reflection of how feel now that my transition is more or less done with (I'm not sure that it will ever be complete!). Back in August 2011 when I first started Paula's Place it is was somewhere for me to relate those early experiences of going out, it quickly became the medium for my musing on gender, in many ways a friend I could talk to about the things I couldn't talk to others about. So yes I have written more than my fair share of post about what clothes I wear, the various processes of transition, coming out and of course going out!
More recently I had been writing more and more about things that interest me, Politics, Music, Gardening etc. Being trans does have an impact of some sort on pretty much everything I do, it changes my point of view having experiences as both male and female, it changes my accessibility and of course it can change the attitude of others towards me. With everything else going on in my life I just sort of got out of the habit of writing about things, instead I have been doing them.
Lots of music, a little gardening, and rather excitingly some motor sport! Of course I'm still interested in everything I have ever been, I've just not felt inspired to write much for the last few months, but something has changed.
Here in the UK our current governing Party has just held it's annual conference, we've had speeches from all the leading members, and the uniting factor amongst them all is full engagement in culture wars. We've had xenophobia from our home secretary and foreign secretary, we've had class hate from a former prime minister and transphobia and mendacity from all of them, including the current Prime Minister and Health Secretary. As long as this Government is in power no trans person in the UK can expect fair treatment. The PM has denied our very existence, and the Health Secretary has proposed that we should not be treated by the NHS as being our true gender. Over the last few years there has been a steady ramping up of the anti trans rhetoric, I have often said that it is just a very small but very vocal minority of haters ~ but as the Government itself has taken a transphobic stance it has given legitimacy to the bigots.
I'm not hearing any of our leading opposition politicians calling out the bigotry, and that lends it even more credence. The only dissenting voice I heard at the Conservative Party Conference was one gay, party member tried to call out Suella Braverman's transphobia as she tried to challenge such concepts as "trans ideology" and "White Privilege". Like most people most of my friends will share many of my views and opinions, as I go about my day to day business I am met with very little transphobia, but I can't help but notice that it has increased over the last few years. Maybe not to an everyday occurrence, but it has increased. Not so much the casual mistake, but the deliberate hateful comment ~ mercifully so far not for me the physical attack we all fear, and some experience. We all fear because the chances of this happening to anyone of us is increasing all the time. Today we have had the latest annual hate crime figures released, over the last year hate crime overall has reduced ~ largely because of the way the figures are collected which will exclude the more minor instances ~ but even so the figures for hate crimes against Transgender people has increased by 11%
I lay the responsibility for this firmly at the feet of our Government. Their rhetoric legitimises the bigots and allows them to feel justified in their actions. When Government Ministers equate trans people with sex offenders then no surprise that we get attacked. When the PM denies the legitimacy of our existence then no wonder we are abused. Sure the words hurt, but the actions that those words lead to injure!
As Lawrence Fox and his chums are realising at the moment, while we may have freedom to express our views, there are consequences to what we say. Sometimes those consequences are for the speaker, like Lozer you could lose your job, sometimes like Graham Lineham people just stop hiring you ~ but often it is others, the people attacked words who end up suffering the consequences as they are physically attacked as well! I hope and trust that this is just a "moment in time" and that it "too will pass". I hope and trust that in the future we will look back on the 2020s transphobia as we now look back on the 1980s homophobia with incredulity and disgust, but while we are having to live through it, well, it's tough.
I needed to rant, to express how dreadful I think this Government are, to vent my frustration, and this is my medium. Now I have written again maybe I will be back with some more enjoyable news, but for now, if you have been, thank you for reading!