More Musings

 At the moment I seem to keep passing milestones, and today is no exception. It is both a sobering and an encouraging day, for today I have received the first payment of my state pension. ~ I won't be living a life of luxury on it, but alongside my small occupational pension it does mean I will be able to live at some level of financial security. For me financial security is not something I have experienced for any substantial period of time having spent the majority of my career self employed, I hope to use these next few years to pursue some of the things that give me most satisfaction, making music, watching rugby, cooking (and eating) good food, and enjoying time with friends.

While indulging in the last two of those the other day two of us were considering our musical careers over the years and how different factors had impacted them, my lunch companion observed that whenever I referred to myself  in my pre transition days I either used my "dead name" or "Him" never "me". I have noticed this in other trans women as well, it is an interesting phenonium. I am generally quite careful of language (especially when in conversation with those I have not known for long) I  will talk of my days as a chorister ~ not as a choir boy, or when I was a child; I might refer to other girls but not other boys. I am also well known for referring to my pretransition days as "in another life". This is not because I don't know who I was or how the world experienced me back then, it's more because I don't want to screw with other people's minds too much.

Fat and Ugly?

Yet I suspect that there is also an element of disassociation as well, as though somehow prior to transition I was not really me. Now I am very proud of some of my achievements back then, I am proud of my music and of my sporting achievements ~ maybe not an Olympic gold medal but I certainly fulfilled my potential as a rugby player ~ of course most of all I am proud to be the father of a wonderful talented young woman. Yet often some of these almost feel as though they happened to somebody else, maybe that's age as much as transition. Often it is difficult or impossible to remember what it was like before, how I felt, how I acted, or indeed even how I dressed. 

I do remember that I always had a very poor self image, I was a fat child and have always thought of myself as fat, I have also always thought of myself as unattractive ~ how much of that is associated with my dysphoria I can't say ~ yet looking back on old photos I can see that I was neither.

On the other hand I know that now I am fat! I am also feeling extremely unfit and would have been going to the gym if it wasn't for this injury to my wrist. I have now finally seen a physiotherapist, and yes it is an RSI from playing the tuba! I have strained some tendons and have been given a regime to follow, hopefully I will be able to get back to playing the tuba soon, fortunately my next performance was always scheduled to be on trombone but I know that all the time I'm not playing or practising is going to be very difficult to make up for before the next flurry of performances.

Looking Forward, looking back and trying to remember a flutist

This recent article in the Guardian has triggered many thoughts, in no particular order, of course the first thought was that I don't remember him, but then I only remember a couple of the flutes anyway. Although in many ways the Croydon Youth Philharmonic Orchestra was exceptional one of the ways that it was typical of many orchestras is that we didn't mix socially outside of our sections, this was probably exacerbated by the fact that three out of four rehearsals were sectionals. While my love for orchestral music had already been established it was through CYPO that I had my first intense experiences of being part of an orchestra, and realising that this is what I wanted to spend my life doing.  I was certainly not around for a trip to Malta, who knows if I had gone to music college instead of leaving school and starting work I might have developed my love for that small Mediterranean island a lot earlier. The only music trip I got during my time was to Grimsby! a very different proposition. In my day the Local Authority was not giving grants for vocational courses other than medicine, and like many other families my parents were not prepared to pay for their youngest to go to music college when my two older brothers had received grants for their degrees.

It is now over 51 years since the inaugural concert of the Youth Orchestra, where I made many friends, discovered so much music, and had the the most intense rehearsal period of my life. Maybe we missed an opportunity and should have had a reunion of some sort. I know that a 52nd anniversary doesn't sound as dramatic as a 50th, but I wonder, if I was to organise something who would come? So, I am going to throw it out there ~ If I build it will you come? I know I am in touch through social media with a few of you, lets just ask round and see if we can do this before we all die off!

Arthur Davison, our conductor

The more serious thoughts are about the parlous state of schools' music now, when I was at school every school in Croydon had a set of instruments we could borrow, peripatetic instruments teachers came to all the schools, we had a schools wind orchestra (later 2 bands) a couple of schools' orchestras and the Youth Orchestra, all of this was available at no cost to parents. We were quite comfortably off, yet when I came home from school after my first couple of weeks and told my Mother that I wanted to learn an instrument her first question wasn't "Which instrument" or "are you sure/ you will have to practise" no my Mother's first questions was "How much will that cost me?" I strongly suspect that my parent's might have paid for lessons, but then to pay for a band and an orchestra on top of that might have stretched them, and then to buy an instrument as well may well have put them off ~ I am quite sure that many parents are put off now that is the case, and I am quite sure that many of my friends who learnt at the same time as me wouldn't have if there had been that cost attached. I know Keir Starmer knows all this because he talks about it here, can I still hope that things will improve?

Now music has become an expensive extracurricular that only a few can afford, add to that the very limited opportunities for young people to hear live music, ~ real people, playing real music, on real instruments in front of them ~ how are they going to know if they want to play or not. I recently performed at a junior school in Surrey, until that point none of the children had heard live music outside of school assemblies. There is an old adage that if you can't see it you can't be it, I think that also applies to if you don't hear it you can't play it!

Now I am moving into a new stage in my life I wonder if there is some way that I can help schools introduce more young people to music, to show them some of the possibilities that they might not be aware of ~ if we don't do something soon then not only will we not have the instrumentalists for our bands and orchestras, we won't have any audiences either.

Keir Starmer may now be the most recognised former member of CYPO but our alumni include Matt Dunkley, Roger Coull, Paul Goodwin, Dominic Hackett, Imogen East, Stina Wilson, Rupert Bond, Daryl Davison, Beverley Davison, and so many more of us who have contributed to the musical life of the Country.

Updates

The more eagle eyed amongst you may have noticed a couple of changes to Paula's Place, I have updated the links to other Blogs on the left hand side and I have added a page!

My Music is where I am sharing my arrangements and original compositions ~ mostly for Concert Band or Brass Band, but there are also a couple of odd chamber works for various groups. These are just the ones I have published, and I will be adding to them as I publish more and more of my work. I just started typing "As I move further into my retirement" but I don't think retirement is really the correct term. "Retirement" suggest stopping work, my plan is to continue to work, just at different things in different ways, without the same economic imperative to earn money from everything I do. Arranging and composition are prime examples I don't anticipate earning much from this work, I just hope a few people will choose to play some of it.

On a more personal note I mentioned here that an old health issue had reared it's ugly head again. Back at the beginning of August I played at a band summer school, five days of intensive playing, at the end of the course my right wrist was becoming sore, on the drive home it swelled up and became very sore, enough to restrict my ability to use that hand. I was then home for a week before going away again, but for all of that week my Doctor's on line triage system was not working and they will only give emergency appointments if phoned at 8:00 a.m. Gradually my wrist seemed to improve so I stopped worrying about it, by the time I went on holiday it felt fine, but then it all blew up again. I have now done some conducting and it was fine, I have played the euphonium and it was fine, I have played trombone in the Orchestra, no problems. Last night I tried to play the tuba, big problems!

I have now been in contact with my Doctor and the best they can offer is to see their physiotherapist, but the first available appointment is not for two weeks! The trouble is that I am now convinced that this is an RSI from playing the tuba, but I don't know what to do, do I exercise it and paly a bit regularly, do I give it total rest, or do I just avoid playing the tuba? Should I use ice, or heat? The biggest worry is not knowing.

One of my take aways from this is that even though we moan that Trans people are neglected by the NHS, or how much people with Fibromyalgia or EDS are miss understood or ignored, it makes me realise that the NHS is broken and at the moment is serving nobody well. I think the main thing I will be judging our new Labour Government on over their next five years in power is going to be the state of the NHS.

Long and rambling reflections

Just another middle aged woman

Although I now live my life simply as just another middle aged, middle class woman I still occasionally read a few cross dresser blogs, it keeps me grounded in my past, just as I keep a little plastic model dustman on my desk to remind me that my life has not always been as comfortable as it is now. A couple of recent posts on Femulate have had me pondering on the difference between trans women and cross dressers, what it is that that separates those who are happy to have an occasional outlet from those of us who need to transition? For decades I identified as a cross dresser, indeed I might well even have described myself as a "plain vanilla cross dresser". Ever since I first heard about anyone transitioning (probably April Ashley ) or much later when BBC aired the series "A Change of Sex" my attitude was very much along the lines of "Well, that's alright for them, but it's not for the likes of me" a feeling that somehow I would be excluded, that transition just wasn't possible for me. Somehow along with the general aura of societal disapproval I had an idea that since I wasn't gay, and was a "big lad" I was condemned to live my life in the gender assigned at birth. My outlet was to cross dress.

A Typical Cross Dresser

I struggle to remember a time before, but I probably started cross dressing in small ways when I was around 10/11, but until I was in my late forties it was always my "dirty little secret", again the messages I was getting from all over were always of vague general disapproval, and how could I reconcile my desire to be feminine with my joy in playing rugby, riding motorbikes and what could only be described as a healthy interest in women! 

It wasn't until I was around fifty that I actually started to go out at all.

Now I find reading the blogs from cross dressers very interesting, mostly they seem very contented with their lot, they enjoy their time out, relieve the stress of modern male life, enjoy the clothes, the attention (or lack of it), have a very pleasant time, then go home and get changed. Indeed it was reading here about how others feel after an outing that has prompted this post! Those who commented all agreed that afterwards they felt better, relaxed, and would be feeling positive and looking forward to their next outing.  This is very interesting, and I feel in some ways shows the difference between cross dressers and those of us who transition, While I remember the elation of being out and of experiencing the World as a woman, and indeed having the World experience me as a woman my feelings when I had to go back to DRAB were very different. I was always sad afterwards, I used to talk about "putting Paula back in her box" but the overwhelming emotion was one of bereavement. Not so much looking forward to the next opportunity to dress up and go out as much as mourning that these were only ever snatched moments.

I have often reflected on my need for the World to experience me as a woman, the acceptance, the vindication, the affirmation, I have also often reflected on how I experienced the World as a Woman, and indeed how these both changed after I went "Full Time", I have rarely reflected on how I felt afterwards, yet I think it was the sadness, the feeling of loss, of bereavement that finally convinced me that I needed to "go fulltime" ~ to transition. I sincerely believe that my decisions were right, even though in the process I did hurt and confuse the people I most loved, I have not experienced that sense of deep personal loss about myself since, and frankly I believe that if I had continued as I was that feeling would have become unendurable. 

There is an old joke that comes around every now and then "What's the difference between a cross dresser and a transsexual?" ~ "About three years" on reflection I think maybe it is that for some of us cross dressing is a relief, an occasional outlet or expression of our femininity, for others it is a vital stepping stone towards a new life.

Mists and Mellow Fruitfulness

My diary tells me that today is the first day of Autumn, and going out this morning with a mist settled over everything I was quite happy to believe it. For me it has been quite a change, for the last coupe of weeks in Malta I have been enjoying day time temperatures comfortably in the high twenties, often touching the low 30s more than a few times. Getting back to London even here the temperatures were still in the mid twenties and very pleasant. Then this morning it felt like quite a sudden change with the temperature a good five or six degrees lower than yesterday.

Of course autumn is a time for harvests and as the saying goes fruitfulness, but for those of us less directedly connected to the land it is a time for fresh beginnings as well. It is the start of the new school year, and along with that many bands and orchestras start their new season in September. On Friday it was a joy to get back to rehearsals with the Phoenix Concert Band, it is great to see old friends, to make music together and to introduce a couple of new members into our midst. A new season also means new music, so it is pretty exciting all round. This is going to be one of our busier terms with a Remembrance Parade to play for as well as a couple of Christmas Concerts, that means a very wide selection of music to rehearse.

To some of us autumn has yet another meaning, something that I look forward to all summer ~ the chance to wear boots again! ~ yes I really am that shallow! Clothes have always been important to me and now I revel in wearing things that I couldn't before, and boots come very high on that list. Many of my favourite outfits include boots, leggings and a jumper, and it will soon be time to get them out again.  

This photo is about five or six years old, and at least a couple of stone (28 pounds or around 15 kg) ago. I still have these boots, and the leggings and tee shirt ~ there's no way that I'd look this good in them now, I think it is finally time that I made a concerted effort to lose some of my excess weight ~ perhaps I should give myself the target of a stone before Christmas?

"The season of Mists and Mellow Fruitfulness" is the first line from John Keat's "To Autumn"

From the Med

 This view from my balcony will tell anyone who know me that I'm not at home.

I'm just taking a quick break in the sun, unfortunately an old health issues has flared up which I think will put me out of playing action for quite a while. Hopefully I will know more when I get home and can consult my Doctor. In the mean time here's another lovely picture

 

Stuff

Following the announcement in my last post I realised that it was high time I thought about changing the Strap Line on this Blog, after all if I'm no longer a working Gardener can I really still claim to be "The World's leading Transgender Conductor and Bass Trombone and Tuba playing Christian Gardener" ?  But that leaves me with the problem of how to describe myself, and my blog, since I have barely written anything over the last couple of years I don't really know how much is going to be about music, how much about my Motor Sport, how much about being trans, or indeed just stuff. Gardening is always going to be one of my passions so maybe I should just leave it as it is for while.

The eponymous Mrs T

I did do a Google search for "Tuba Blogs" and found nothing, Many years ago, in a previous life I attempted to write a tuba based blog Me and Mrs T, the Mrs T of the title being an old Hawkes and Sons BBb cavalry model Tuba. Why Mrs T, well, after working with one of the UK's premier German Bands for a Canadian Company in Seville at Expo'92 (yes really!) it was time to fly home. Since I had travelled out to Seville with the drummer in his car the journey home was the first time I had flown with a tuba. A seat was duly booked and a ticket issued, however to actually get on the plan a boarding card is needed, to get a boarding card a name is needed, so I just gave the name as "Tuba", then they needed a title! so I settled for Mrs. Somehow the "Mrs Tuba" stuck, and then got contracted to "Mrs T" The flight crew had often had cellos fly with them but had no experience of a tuba on board, after much discussion and experimentation she ended up occupying a full row of three seats, the only thing that still rankles a bit is that we never got her complimentary drinks!

Over the years I have had many instruments, yet Mrs T is the only one I have regretted selling. Indeed I have a constant eBay search for "Hawkes" just in case she becomes available again.

A time for Everything

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens

a time to be born and a time to die
a time to plant and a time to uproot
a time to kill and a time to heal
a time to tear down and a time to build
a time to weep and a time to laugh
a time to mourn and a time dance
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them 
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing
a time to search and a time to give up
a time to keep and a time to throw away
a time to keep and a time to throw away
a time to tear and a time to mend
a time to be silent and a time to speak
a time to love and a time to hate

a time for war and a time for peace.

For those not in the know this is a quote from the Old Testament book of Ecclesiastes (Chapter 3) one of the "Books of Wisdom", and one that perfectly illustrates so much of my life. As I approach yet another big change in my life it feels even more pertinent than ever. Often in my life I have tried to do everything, all at once, all together ~ it simply doesn't work! Often through the years I have found that by trying to do too much I am not doing anything as well as I should. Trying to play rugby the afternoon before a gig is a good illustration!

Conducting Phoenix Concert Band, Sutton

The last few years I have been trying to play, conduct, arrange, and even write some of my own original music. I have been trying to keep up with the requirements of my garden maintenance business, look after my failing levels of fitness, my flat, my family and started out on a motor sport career! It's all too much for me now. So it's time to change. I have decided to retire! Of course I will not be stopping my music involvement, music is what defines me, but I will stop my gardening. I will be closing down my business at the end of November, or earlier if my customers can find a replacement! The last few months it has increasingly felt like hard work, and I am finding it much more physically arduous than before so I think the time is ripe.

This month I will start getting my state pension, and my "Bus Pass" so financially I will be no worse off, it does still feel like a big change, and a little intimidating as does any big change. But, this is not an end, it is a new beginning, I will have more time to devote to music, and to Motor Sport!

Photo credit Tunbridge Wells Motor Club 

I know I will miss my customers and much of the work, I will miss the reason to be outdoors in the sun, I will not miss the need to go out when I really don't want to, I certainly won't miss the aching muscles and sore back, neither will I miss storing the tools or having my car full of garden waste!

I note that only once before I have used the "Motor Sport" label, and that wasn't about me! I am now only a couple of meetings away from my second season of Sprinting. It's nothing too high octane, I am sharing a car with a friend so we can split some of the cost but it is great fun, and I think I might be OK at it. There are only three of us in the class for my club championship so it is hard to tell.

I Can't Stand Much More Of This

Over on her "Condo" my friend Cyrsti has been writing a bit about what it means to be trans, this sort of makes a nice change from the crossdresser blog post of  "I had a lovely day out dressed as...." or the many blog posts about the process of transition. I know they all have their place and can be interesting ~ or at least I hope they do as I've written enough of them myself over the years. I suppose this is a reflection of how feel now that my transition is more or less done with (I'm not sure that it will ever be complete!). Back in August 2011 when I first started Paula's Place it is was somewhere for me to relate those early experiences of going out, it quickly became the medium for my musing on gender, in many ways a friend I could talk to about the things I couldn't talk to others about. So yes I have written more than my fair share of post about what clothes I wear, the various processes of transition, coming out and of course going out!

More recently I had been writing more and more about things that interest me, Politics, Music, Gardening etc. Being trans does have an impact of some sort on pretty much everything I do, it changes my point of view having experiences as both male and female, it changes my accessibility and of course it can change the attitude of others towards me. With everything else going on in my life I just sort of got out of the habit of writing about things, instead I have been doing them.

Lots of music, a little gardening, and rather excitingly some motor sport! Of course I'm still interested in everything I have ever been, I've just not felt inspired to write much for the last few months, but something has changed.

Here in the UK our current governing Party has just held it's annual conference, we've had speeches from all the leading members, and the uniting factor amongst them all is full engagement in culture wars. We've had xenophobia from our home secretary and foreign secretary, we've had class hate from a former prime minister and transphobia and mendacity from all of them, including the current Prime Minister and Health Secretary. As long as this Government is in power no trans person in the UK can expect fair treatment. The PM has denied our very existence, and the Health Secretary has proposed that we should not be treated by the NHS as being our true gender. Over the last few years there has been a steady ramping up of the anti trans rhetoric, I have often said that it is just a very small but very vocal minority of haters ~ but as the Government itself has taken a transphobic stance it has given legitimacy to the bigots.

I'm not hearing any of our leading opposition politicians calling out the bigotry, and that lends it even more credence. The only dissenting voice I heard at the Conservative Party Conference was one gay, party member tried to call out Suella Braverman's transphobia as she tried to challenge such concepts as "trans ideology" and "White Privilege". Like most people most of my friends will share many of my views and opinions, as I go about my day to day business I am met with very little transphobia, but I can't help but notice that it has increased over the last few years. Maybe not to an everyday occurrence, but it has increased. Not so much the casual mistake, but the deliberate hateful comment ~ mercifully so far not for me the physical attack we all fear, and some experience.  We all fear because the chances of this happening to anyone of us is increasing all the time. Today we have had the latest annual hate crime figures released, over the last year hate crime overall has reduced ~ largely because of the way the figures are collected which will exclude the more minor instances ~ but even so the figures for hate crimes against Transgender people has increased by 11%

I lay the responsibility for this firmly at the feet of our Government. Their rhetoric legitimises the bigots and allows them to feel justified in their actions. When Government Ministers equate trans people with sex offenders then no surprise that we get attacked. When the PM denies the legitimacy of our existence then no wonder we are abused. Sure the words hurt, but the actions that those words lead to injure!

As Lawrence Fox and his chums are realising at the moment, while we may have freedom to express our views, there are consequences to what we say. Sometimes those consequences are for the speaker, like Lozer you could lose your job, sometimes like Graham Lineham people just stop hiring you ~ but often it is others, the people attacked words who end up suffering the consequences as they are physically attacked as well! I hope and trust that this is just a "moment in time" and that it "too will pass". I hope and trust that in the future we will look back on the 2020s transphobia as we now look back on the 1980s homophobia with incredulity and disgust, but while we are having to live through it, well, it's tough.

I needed to rant, to express how dreadful I think this Government are, to vent my frustration, and this is my medium. Now I have written again maybe I will be back with some more enjoyable news, but for now, if you have been, thank you for reading!

Manchester Gold!

This weekend I will be travelling again ~ I seem to have been doing quite a bit of that recently with a trip to Paris a few weeks ago, then after that a trip up to Lincolnshire to see my good friend P. I don't think I've seen her since she retired and moved. Although I think her husband may have got a bit fed up with our constant natter it did make me realise just how much I had missed our chats and our lunches! It also made me realise just how far I have come over the last few years.

But getting back to my upcoming trip to Manchester, this is a very different type of excursion, I will be traveling with my band ~ Croydon Symphonic Band ~ to play in the finals of the National Concert Band Festival. This will be our tenth appearance at the finals (which are by invitation), of course just being there feels pretty prestigious, but in many ways the level of award says even more. So far we have received (I think) at least six awards at Gold or higher standard, so in some ways getting anything less could be seen as failure! One aspect of being a community band is that we are non-selective, and in the case of CSB whoever turns up plays ~ this means that we rarely have a stable band for even an entire season, the instrumental balance is more down to demographics than musicality, and we never know what standard we are going to be at, all this makes the job of our Musical Director rather challenging and must add to his stress levels. It certainly says a lot for his abilities and his musicality that we have been able to play at such a consistently high standard for so long.

With Big Shiny after playing
at the 2015 finals

As well as a musical challenge the weekend should be a lot of fun. The plan is to travel together by coach, all stay in the same hotel and eat dinner together before some free time to find a suitable local hostelry. Sunday will be devoted to music and the return journey. I'm really looking forward to spending more than a couple of hours with my band friends, it's on trips like these that we build on our relationships, and it's those relationships that make bands work well together.

Another reason why I am so keen to enjoy this trip is that if our Government follow through with the changes to the Equalities Act that were telegraphed last week, and which I wrote about here this could well be my last chance to enjoy this sort of thing legally. Given that the journey is likely to take about 5 hours, there's no way that I could go that long without a "comfort break", these proposed changes would make that unviable, I would be breaking the law if I used the "Ladies" and it wouldn't be safe to use the "Gents". With no guarantee of there being any provision of a gender a neutral facility  I simply would not be able to make the journey.

Then of course I don't know what provisions are made at the hall. Many venues provide separate men's and women's changing rooms, it would be illegal for me to use the women's changing room, instead I would be expected to use the men's ~ fine, unless anyone, including me, needs to use them as a changing room! I would be put in this type of invidious situation every time I left home regardless of having obtained a Gender Recognition Certificate and had Gender Confirmation Surgery!

So, if you haven't already, please sign this petition, with over 130,000 signatures the Government is already obliged to hold a debate, but the more signatures we can get, the more support that can be demonstrated for trans people the better ~ the more we can move trans rights away from being a debate!