Good bye to all that ~ 2024

2024 has been a bit of a mixed year for me, playing wise although I have enjoyed a couple of new opportunities, I have been restricted in my playing by a series of relatively minor health issues. Way back in January I had just about recovered from a dose of Covid, But was suffering with a very lose front tooth, not only was this extremely uncomfortable it made playing extremely difficult. Over January and February I had several visits to the dentist and eventually ended up with the tooth being extracted and replaced with a plate! The false tooth looked fine, and after a while I sort of got used to eating with it, although I can't say that I was happy with it, I just, sort of, got used to it. What I couldn't get used to was playing with it! I tried playing without it but very quickly realised that a lot of teeth aren't too important for playing but the front ones definitely are essential. Trying to play with the plate in sucked a lot of the joy out of it, I found that it impacted my articulation (expected) intonation (not so much) and power (most surprising!) I have long been used to the idea that I can modify the tone by changing the shape of the inside of my mouth, but this was extreme!

After a few months I was able to see an implant specialist, by that point I was reconciled to playing a lot of money, and even having to take time away from playing simply in order to have some sort of future as a brass player. I soon discovered that my specialist is a trombone player and instantly understood my problems, even better he was able to offer a potential solution. I had been told before that bridge work probably wasn't an option, now I was told it was, this would mean that I would have some "gubbins" in my mouth, but a lot less than the plate, it would cost a lot less than the expected implant, and perhaps more important it would not mean taking time off playing.

I still had to work on my embouchure, and articulation took a bit of getting used to, but my tome, my power and my intonation were back. I had just about got back into practise when I went to a week long Summer school and came away with tendonitis. Once again I had to take time off from playing while my right hand and wrist recovered, at least I had some exercises to do to speed my recovery, once again I had to get back into practise, and then just in time for Christmas I fell down some stairs and brock a rib! All in all I think I was in decent playing form for less than half the year, maybe as much as a third, but it was hard work. Now I'm on another enforced break and will have an uphill journey getting my chops back in time for my first gig of the year in January!

I'm looking forward to 2025 being full of music, with lots of playing, lots of conducting, some new arrangements, and hopefully some new compositions ~ once again I also plan to go to more concerts I'm not playing in.

Advent Calendar VI

 

Last night I was stunned by the new Tuba Concerto "Dreaming Awake" by Lauri Porra, a fabulous piece played excellently by Lewis Chinn, this was the UK premier of a piece so new that I can't find any recordings of it to share or point you in the direction of. For now I'll just say that I think this will be a major addition to the repertoire for tuba, even if at the moment it is technically a bit beyond me. I never really completed my studies on tuba and to tackle a solo piece like this I would have to do a lot of practise. 

The Trombone will be featuring
this weekend

Indeed I have to do a fair bit of practise just to maintain the standard that I am playing at and with three performances on three different instruments this weekend I am having to do a fair bit of preparation. My musical weapon of choice is my Besson 984 EEb Tuba, but in the lead up to this Christmas I am playing my B&S CC tuba, my Yamaha Bass Trombone and my Besson New Standard Euphonium. It is nice to get out the less used instruments, but of course that does mean I need to make sure they work, oil the valves and grease the slides, and of course do some practise to make sure I can do the job!

This week has been pretty much all about preparation, getting ready for the weekend, preparing myself and my instruments, preparing food so that I can still eat properly amongst the rush, preparing the bands during rehearsals, and preparing myself physically as I continue my visits to gym. It will be nice tomorrow to actually start the performances.

And, that's what Advent is really, a time of preparation, in times gone by that might have been preparation through fasting, physical as well as spiritual preparation for Christmas. For those of us who are Christians this is the point of Advent. Today's reading (in the Anglican Lectionary) is from Luke 13;22-30 which is also all about being prepared.

More stuff, too much stuff?

The other day I talked about my efforts at getting a bit fitter, and hopefully losing some excess fat in the process, this is not the only aspect of my life that I am trying to sort out a bit. In some ways I am over committed and need to make decisions about what I really want to do with the rest of my life, Now that "other" activities do not have to revolve around "work" I need a reset. I hope to have another 20 or so active years, I certainly don't want to waste them.

Stuff, I'm unlikely to use this trombone "in anger"

As I live in a studio flat every bit of space I have is precious, and all too much of that precious space is filled with instruments, at the current count I have two trombones (a Bb/F tenor and a double plug orchestral bass) two tubas (Besson 984 EEb and a B&S five rotor CC) two electric basses (one five string and one four string) an electric keyboard, assorted percussion "toys" and a Euphonium ~ and they are just the ones I actually play! I have decided that instruments I don't play should have no place in my flat. I have recently passed on my P Bone, a three quarter size violin, and a baritone horn. That now leaves a trumpet and a cornet to move on, I also have a large CC/BBb tuba gig bag that is surplus to requirements and taking up valuable space and will shortly be going on ebay. In that case I do have to ask myself why I have just ordered a marching euphonium!

It's not just instruments that I have acquired that need to be sorted, I also have lots of books and sheet music (I refuse to use the term "too much" as in both these cases it is an oxymoron), lots of paper records and, well, "stuff". Stuff that would be perfectly fine if I still lived in a three bedroom house, or even had a garage. I am slowly getting rid of a lot of my larger gardening tools, but still have a large roller cabinet of mechanics tools I am reluctant to get rid of until I decide on my next car. 

More "stuff"

Occasionally I have to ask myself how many house plants is enough? Do I really need enough cutlery, china and glass ware to hold a five course dinner party for eight people when I only have two dinning chairs? Is having four overcoats excessive? and, just how long should I keep those bank statements?

It is currently anything but spring but I am making a serious effort at sorting my life out ~ anybody want some spider plants?

More Musings

 At the moment I seem to keep passing milestones, and today is no exception. It is both a sobering and an encouraging day, for today I have received the first payment of my state pension. ~ I won't be living a life of luxury on it, but alongside my small occupational pension it does mean I will be able to live at some level of financial security. For me financial security is not something I have experienced for any substantial period of time having spent the majority of my career self employed, I hope to use these next few years to pursue some of the things that give me most satisfaction, making music, watching rugby, cooking (and eating) good food, and enjoying time with friends.

While indulging in the last two of those the other day two of us were considering our musical careers over the years and how different factors had impacted them, my lunch companion observed that whenever I referred to myself  in my pre transition days I either used my "dead name" or "Him" never "me". I have noticed this in other trans women as well, it is an interesting phenonium. I am generally quite careful of language (especially when in conversation with those I have not known for long) I  will talk of my days as a chorister ~ not as a choir boy, or when I was a child; I might refer to other girls but not other boys. I am also well known for referring to my pretransition days as "in another life". This is not because I don't know who I was or how the world experienced me back then, it's more because I don't want to screw with other people's minds too much.

Fat and Ugly?

Yet I suspect that there is also an element of disassociation as well, as though somehow prior to transition I was not really me. Now I am very proud of some of my achievements back then, I am proud of my music and of my sporting achievements ~ maybe not an Olympic gold medal but I certainly fulfilled my potential as a rugby player ~ of course most of all I am proud to be the father of a wonderful talented young woman. Yet often some of these almost feel as though they happened to somebody else, maybe that's age as much as transition. Often it is difficult or impossible to remember what it was like before, how I felt, how I acted, or indeed even how I dressed. 

I do remember that I always had a very poor self image, I was a fat child and have always thought of myself as fat, I have also always thought of myself as unattractive ~ how much of that is associated with my dysphoria I can't say ~ yet looking back on old photos I can see that I was neither.

On the other hand I know that now I am fat! I am also feeling extremely unfit and would have been going to the gym if it wasn't for this injury to my wrist. I have now finally seen a physiotherapist, and yes it is an RSI from playing the tuba! I have strained some tendons and have been given a regime to follow, hopefully I will be able to get back to playing the tuba soon, fortunately my next performance was always scheduled to be on trombone but I know that all the time I'm not playing or practising is going to be very difficult to make up for before the next flurry of performances.

Paris!

The outside of the Church

My last post left you all a little bit up in the air, for the really perspicacious of you yes I was in Paris. The Church we played in on the Friday was Saint-Etienne-du-Mont a church with a fascinating history dating back to the 6th Century, the current building is largely Gothic with large windows and flying buttresses, but as I was only there after dark it was the interior stone work that I really appreciated. As I was only involved in one piece in the concert I had plenty of time to appreciate the setting as well as the music ~ I also had plenty of time to get freezing cold! Not quite what I had in mind for a trip to Paris in the Springtime!

The interior of St Etienne as I never saw it ~ in daylight!

Right next to the Pantheon and close by the Sorbonne the setting is a notable as the Church itself, and right in the cultural heart of the city. Despite being so close to such big tourist draws we still managed to find some good traditional French food for our pre concert dinner, and then afterwards adjourned to a local bar, where we enjoyed some of the local  beverage!

Notra Dame du Liban with
the Paris Rainbow Symphony Orchestra

For our Saturday concert we moved venue to Notre Dame du Liban, built in the 19th Century it was a lot more comfortable and certainly less cold. Still in Gothic revival even though less spectacular much more accommodating! A large and imposing interior with a strangely unassuming entrance, we could have easily walked past without noticing. 

A bit like my own London Gay Symphony Orchestra one thing that is really noticeable about the Rainbow Symphony is that the average age is quite young ~ especially for an amateur orchestra. These days I've got to an age where I don't want to be part of a group where I don't raise the average age! From preference I certainly want to spend more time with people younger than me than with others around my own age, so this helped make the week a lot of fun.

There are still plenty of things I want to see and do in Paris, I do have a bit of a thing for ecclesiastical architecture, so I would still like to visit Saint-Denis and Sainte-Chapellle. Notra Dame is still shut after the 2019 fire ~ I have been there but would love to go back now I'm older. But the great thing about this visit wasn't being a tourist and visiting the historic sites, it was about sharing the joy of making music, making new friends and renewing some old friendships.

The delightful Mathilde and Corinne
A tuba section I'm not pretty enough to get in! 

My Office today

Well yesterday actually, although concert was so late it felt like this morning by the time we left.

I will be playing very much the same concert again this evening, to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the Rainbow Symphony Orchestra, but in a different venue. ~ should be fun. 

The one "fly in the ointment" is that I brought all the wrong clothes with me and was freezing last night! 

Camera Whore

 Maybe not the title I am most proud of but one I acquired a few years back when my Orchestra took part in the BBC series the Great British Amateur Orchestra. It seemed as though every time a camera appeared it would be pointing at me! and this did not go unnoticed. More recently in my role as a trustee of Croydon Pride I have often been called upon to be a representative of "my community" and on occasion that has involved some photos. I think I have now been the model in at least four photo sessions.

Photo Credit Justin David 2013

I was recently reminded of the first ~ this was way back in the dim and distant past, before I was out, but after I had started playing with the LGSO I wrote a little about it both here and here; but I did not tell the whole tale, perhaps to protect my dignity and maintain some of the mystery.

We were asked to wear our idea of glamourous, this black evening dress fits the bill perfectly. What this photo doesn't show is one of the great features of the dress, it has a scooped backless design that runs into a very small train. Given that this was before I had even started my social transition, never mind anything else it presented certain, erm "structural" issues. Being backless I could not wear a conventional bra, not actually having any boobs I couldn't wear any other form of support. What I could do was attach my breast forms directly to my chest using a medical glue.

All went well until under the warmth of the lights I started to "glow" (Ladies glow, gentlemen perspire, horses sweat!) no problem nothing showed on my face, my makeup stayed just fine. Unfortunately the same couldn't be said for the so called "medical glue"! My left boob became detached and started to slowly descend down the inside of my dress. Poor Justin, the photographer, couldn't understand why I was so wooden, and at that time I was just too shy to tell him.

Later sessions didn't have the same issues I'm glad to say!

The next session was at home with my friend Vanessa Lees, I was part of a photo project she was running showing trans people just getting on with their real lives, rather than as subjects of glamour, desire or abuse.

Photo Credit Vanessa Lees Photography 2015

The Croydonist 2018

A few years after that I had a session for International Women's Day, we had a little outdoor exhibition of photos of women changing the face of Croydon, and this was my face. I rather like this photo, I definitely like the outfit, but I do remember that the photographer (sorry I can't remember their name to credit them) had terrible trouble with reflections from my glasses, so that's why they're on the end of my nose.

It was a very enjoyable experience and I was already so much more relaxed about the whole session than I had been just a few years earlier.

The latest one was just a few months later for Croydon Bid, the local traders association, an outdoor exhibition of local Croydon "Characters", I was alongside dancers, rock guitarists, actors etc. This time I was draping myself in the Pride flag rather than engaging with one of my instruments. I though this photo was just going to be a little thing up for maybe a month or two, it turned out to be larger than life size, and last time I checked it had been up for over two years.

Croydon Bid 2019

New Toy

Again, I started writing this post some time last year at some point during a lock down, and never quite got around to completing it. Since then it has been sitting in the "Drafts" box waiting for some love. As I seem to be on a bit of a roll posting wise, at least until I go back to work tomorrow, I thought maybe it's time for completion. The new bits are in italics.

Some of my friends seem to think I have developed a dangerous habit of acquiring instruments, personally I don't think I have that many, and anyway the phrase "Too many instruments" is in my books an oxymoron.

Rehearsing for a Trombone Quartet

I have had my beloved Yamaha Bass Trombone (Precious) for about 30 years now, in some ways I feel as though I should be thinking about a replacement, but it is possibly the best instrument in my collection, and a replacement would be excessively expensive ~ maybe that could be an aim for a retirement present. 

Then I have my two tubas, a vintage Besson New Standard EEb which I have customised to make it a bit quieter and easier to play. Known as Baby (short for Baby Besson) as it is a bit smaller than a contemporary EEb I love this instrument, although she is now a bit bruised there are some pieces that she's just perfect for. 

Big Shiny

Until recently my Conn CC was known as "New Toy" but since I've had her for over ten years she is now known as "Big Shiny" For the last few years this has been my prime instrument for both orchestra and concert band, she has a big sound, looks great and I find the rotary valve tubas easier on my back than upright ones. The down side is that she's not really a professional standard instrument, this shows in the quality and thickness of the brass, the outcome is that as well as a few intonation problems, she dents way to easily, and if I really give her "the beans" the sound will "crack".

That's the serious selection, then come the toys! Not really toys but the ones I really can't claim any great level of proficiency on. I have been messing about with Bass Guitars for a few years now without gaining much in the way of ability, maybe there's something in that old adage about old dogs and new tricks. Last year I got given the best birthday present! A lovely sexy black five string Ibanez electric bass. I was gradually getting better, but find it difficult to practise on my own so my progress has stalled.

Partly because I have been having so much trouble getting used to five strings, I have now acquired a black four string Ibanez as well. It is lighter, slightly shorter scale and takes lighter gauge strings ~ all this adds up to much easier to play, but not as full a sound. I have gigged on both and can see the strengths of both, so I think they are both "keepers".

Then there is the Euphonium, an old unlacquered Besson Westminster, I know how to play the Euphonium, and I do have one ~ that does not make me a euphonium player! It is not just about proficiency on the instrument, I feel it is also a state of mind. I like to hide at the back playing a supporting role, otherwise I will have my back to the audience when I'm performing. I suspect euphonium players need to be a bit more of a show off. They are great solo instruments and get all the best bits in both Brass and Wind Bands. It's great fun every now and then, but I would never neglect my Basses in favour of euphonium ~ that means my scruffy but serviceable old Besson is quite good enough for anything I'm going to do.

I always maintain I do not play Tenor Trombone, so why do I have one? Well in theory I am just looking after it for the Croydon Brass Band, It's a fairly old but very nice Yamaha Bb and F (in the Conn 88H copper bell style) It is very nice, and I do play it every now and then, usually in an orchestra where the part is more 3rd tenor than proper bass. I also have a pBone, you know, just for shits and giggles.

After this lot it just gets silly, I don't really know why I have a Cornet, a Violin, a recorder and various bits of percussion, they just seem to turn up.

Too many? no! That's why I'm a very happy bunny to have just welcomed into the family a lovely big five valve B & S CC, and can I just point out that this is no "Toy", and that it is Big and it is Clever!