Advent Calendar VI

Looking back on March I see that it was a big month for me, as that was when I finally got round to my legal name change, and telling all the different organisations that needed to be told. Nine months latter I realise that I still haven't told everybody, they will have to get it at the same time as I get round to changing my address! I see that it was in March that we started the process of selling the house, at that point I expected to have moved a lot earlier than it all actually happened

Otherwise was concerned about what to wear for some concerts,l and about how busy I was, so some things never seem to change,

I think the closest I got to anything profound, was my post on Lost and Found where I mused that for everything I gained in my transition I had lost something as well. I am feeling a bit more positive than that sounded now, there is so much that I seem to have gained. Not just the physical, calculable things like numbers of friends, places to live and worship, bands, orchestras and other signs of acceptance, but the more personal things like inner peace, an absence of self conflict and a personal homogeneity.

Some things have changed so much, others stay the same, maybe that's not just about this year, or my transition, maybe that is just the way things are. Maybe that is what life is like, I have moved home and changed my gender identity, but I am still essentially the same person I may now take my coffee as a latte rather than cappuccino,  and drink more wine and less beer, but my recreational drugs of choice are still caffeine and alcohol!

And I still like Betty.

All Around the World

The other day we watched "around the Word in 80 days" not the good one with David Niven and Shirley MacLean, but that dreadful travesty with Jackie Chan and Steve Coogan.   You may gather that I didn't think much of the film despite the efforts of  Jim Broadbent and quite a few classy cameos it is just not very good.

Anyway my interest was piqued, not so much by the scene where Steve Coogan and Jackie Chan have to dress as women to evade capture - standard jokes there - but what I did notice was the subsequent references to this scene, as something "a bit naughty" but fun.   Towards the end of the film with several luminaries of the British establishment there is a reference to wearing women's clothing and several "knowing" looks are exchanged.   There was a definite suggestion that this was something that the all understood, and probably did, nothing was said and maybe I am reading too much into this, but, as with so many other things it makes me wonder just how many men do wear women's clothes to some level or another.

It is a shame that by the very nature of the activity it would be next to impossible to gather meaningful data on just how many men dress and to what extent, but I strongly suspect a lot more than is evident.

The weekend

I had hoped to go out at the weekend. My support group meets every second Saturday of the month and of course that is this weekend and I had planned to go.   However it now seems that this may be difficult, my daughter is going to be out, acting in a Church event in London, although she has been promised a lift home I think that maybe I should stay in and be available, just in case.   I haven't said anything to the family yet, so maybe I will have to play this one by ear.

On Sunday I definitely won't be playing anything by ear, everything must be absolutely correct, I am conducting my Band at a very prestigious remembrance service, and I can't allow for anything going wrong.   On Saturday afternoon I will be going over to the band room and loading Gloria up with all the Band Kit ready to take up to town on Sunday morning, when I need to be bright, alert and ready for anything.   So maybe it is a good thing that I won't (probably) be going out on Saturday night.

I shall have to have a careful look in the diary and see when I can organise a Paula day.   There are a couple of exhibitions I want to see up in town, and somehow I need to do some Christmas shopping, so I will be taking at least one day off in November, sometime.

The Risks I take

I very nearly outed myself by accident the other night. as I have written elsewhere I went to the Theatre on Saturday night, this was a very pleasant evening with what I thought an excellent play.   Primarily a moral tale with the message of nothing in excess.

I enjoyed the play so much that at Monday night's rehearsal I gave it a bit of a boost, telling a few members of the band how much I enjoyed the play.   This was when I found out that one of the members of the band is in the cast!

I had not recognised him, and he made no mention that he may have recognised me, I just hope I haven't embarrassed him!   This made me realise that although I pay lip service to the idea that if everyone knew about Paula, then I could live in freedom to dress how I want to when I want to, well I may not be quite ready for that yet.   Most of all the thought of risking much that I hold dear is worrying.   In future I think I need to be a bit more careful, and play away from home.

Saturday Night

On Saturday Night my daughter is in a show, I shall be seeing it with my wife on Friday night.   On Saturday my wife will be there again acting as a chaperone for the younger children.   This means that I have Saturday night to myself, I could ring a friend and just go out for a beer, I could stay at home and have a lazy, cheep, relaxing evening, or I could Go Out.

The only thing is where to go and who to go with.   This is when it becomes a pain not having many people who know Paula, who can be cajoled into a short notice outing.   I will post on what happens, watch this space......

All the world's a stage (Thursday morning rambling)

I have many interests and like to do all sorts of things, I like to think that I am a man / girl of passions and one of my passions is food.   I love food, eating it, shopping for it, growing it, and cooking it.   Last night I was cooking dinner for 25, nothing too dramatic, just some pasta with a tomato sauce, grated cheese and some salad, like I said nothing too special.   Knowing that I was going to be cooking in a semi commercial kitchen I put on my chef's whites.   Unsurprisingly they are the perfect thing to wear when cooking, everything is covered up, cool and easy  to wash.

The important thing for me is that they make me feel like a cook, you know a "proper cook". just as an actor needs the costume to get into character so I find that what I wear changes how I feel, how I act, so it is important to me to dress appropriately for the activity I am engaging in, so when I am compere at the cabaret I dress as I am on the left. ( the face fungus is now a lamented part of my past) When I am riding my bike I wear full leathers, boots gloves and full face black crash helmet, I look the part, this makes me feel the part.   What I am getting at is that I dress for the role I am filling, or maybe playing, in normal life I will choose the clothes, my costume, to suit the role, and "get into character" through putting on the clothes.   But, when I am cross dressing, I choose the clothes I like, that I want to wear, and then find the character emerging.

This may all sound a bit odd, but just think if you are feeling a bit down, but then go and put on your sexiest, most glamorous outfit, don't you start to feel sexy and glamorous, or you could put on sweats and just feel totally ugg.

This is I think one of the joys that we as cross dressers have specially to ourselves, not only can we change role, our clothes bit also our perceived gender.   When Paula goes out next week, I know she will behave differently to Him, she will drink different coffee, wine rather than beer, and will be treated differently wherever she goes.   Maybe I am spending my life play acting, and I just prefer some parts to others, or maybe I am just rambling on, barking up the wrong tree.   Let me know if you think there may be anything in this, to be honest I'm less convinced now than when I started writing this post.

No semi colons today!