I'm a Tuba Player, you know?

The tuba has always been a but for jokes, the size, unwieldiness and sound just lends itself to humour. When I first said at school that I wanted to play the tuba the teachers thought I was having a joke, and tried to dissuade me, but I had already fallen in love, with the sound and the look of it!

By now I've sort of got used to being asked if I wished I'd taken up the flute, and people observing that it is a big trumpet, it never ceases to amaze me that people think they're original!

But, as a player of this finest of all instruments I feel some justification in telling tuba jokes, so here are a few of my favorites.

What do you say to a tuba player with a job? ~ Big Mac and fries please

How many tuba players does it take to replace a light bulb? ~ Three, one to hold the bulb, two to drink till the room revolves

How do you fix a broken tuba? ~ with a tuba glue

"Did you hear my last tuba recital?" ~ "I hope so!"

How many tuba players does it take to replace a light bulb? ~ None, we don't go that high

A school boy decides he wants to play tuba and his parents find a private teacher who hosts hour-long lessons at his house. The first day, after the lesson, he tells his parents "I learned how to play the note Bb today!". The second day, the same thing happens but the boy had learned to play an F. The third day he doesn't come home. The parents wait until an hour after he was supposed to be back and call the teacher, asking where the kid is. The teacher replies "He's at his first gig".

Two tuba players sitting in a car, Who's driving? ~ the policeman!

Definition of an optimist ~ A tuba player with a mortgage

And finally my all time favourite, a friend (and fellow tuba player) was conducting his final concert with a band just after my transition, he had asked me in to dep on tuba. To fill in a little time he asked the audience;~

"How many tuba players does it take to replace a light bulb?" ~ "None, real men aren't afraid of the dark!"

He turned back to the band to be greeted by a sea of open mouthed incredulity, he couldn't work out why "What?"

Concert I

Last night was in so many ways fabulous that I can't go into all of it now, and not in one simple post.   The second half of the concert was the Berlioz Symphony Fantastique.   This is one of my favourite pieces, yet one I have not listened to for some time, and one I have not played for around 30 years.  

When I have played it before I have been very wrapped up in my own part, one of the two tuba parts.   These were originally written for ophicleide but after Berlioz heard the Symphony played with tubas playing the parts he decided that he preferred the sound of newer instrument, and in the second edition of the score the parts are marked for tubas.   However the French tuba of that time was a very different instrument to the ones we use now, with a relatively small bore and pitched in the tenor C with six valves they played in a higher register than we find comfortable these days, so both parts in the Fantastique are high as well as exposed.   This all means that when I have played the work before I have been tied up with my own problems and not really listened to what was going on around me.

Last night I was playing Bass Trombone, the part is still challenging but sits nicely in the register and, knowing the work, not too difficult, so I had a bit more of a chance to pay attention to what was going on around me (I dare say that being 30 years older helps as well).   One thing that really struck me as very impressive was the writing for bassoons.

An orchestra will usually have two bassoons filling the role of bass for the woodwind section, Berlioz does something quite different here, instead of two he uses four bassoons and organises them like horns to play in two duets first and third together and second and fourth together.   Indeed in any ways the way the parts are written mirrors the way horns are used, as a separate section in their own right.   I found this very effective as well as innovative it gives the orchestra a slightly different "feel" and balance the woodwind tonality with the brass in way that doesn't normally happen.

On reflection I am a little surprised that this idea has not been picked up on by other composers and more widely used.

There are lots of jokes about bassoons my favourite is; Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? Because it will burn for longer! in that case I suppose four bassoons must be a whole furnace full.   And as an aside since the Italian term (it is Italian that is the international musical language) for bassoons is Fagotti, with four last night would that constitute a bunch of fagots?

A Good Day part 1

I had a great day yesterday, it was one of those days when things go right and you just don't want it all to end.   I had a quiet morning as the rest of the family enjoyed the chance of a lie in so I had a chance to waste some time surfing around the net, and then spent a little time tidying up my van.   This is a job that always seems to get put off as ore important, or urgent call are made on my time, driving and working are so much more pleasant when the van is a bit cleaner and more organised.

After that I had a nice bath and got my self ready for the afternoon, I even had bubbles in my bath courtesy of my wife YAH!

For the traveling and afternoon rehearsal I just wore a pair of jeans some ankle boots and a long red sweater I love, not so much for the look as the feel, it is one of those sweaters that make you want to curl up and cuddle in front of a fire.   Having checked on line about parking I drove up to town, had a nice stress free journey and parked very close to the venue, St Sepulchre's, but still managed to arrive just a little too late to rehearse the first piece.   The rest of the rehearsal was a little scary, the band was both better and louder than I had expected so I certainly had to stay on my toes to keep up.   Towards the end of the rehearsal I also stated to worry whether my lip would last.   I mostly only play the trombone in orchestras where I don't get a lot to do apart from count bars rest, but in a band I'm going most of the time.

Fortunately we had quite a long break before the concert, a group of us went out to find some food and had an Italian (late) lunch round a large table.   I really enjoyed this as it was a good opportunity to actually get to know a few of the others a bit better.   Interestingly once again it was the other girls who where most friendly.   I would like to think that I am being given access into the club of femininity, but given the nature of the band I suspect that it is either simpler, or more complicated than that, whatever I am just going to enjoy the experience.

Just for those of you who don't know, the bass trombone is (I think) just about the only instrument you only ever get one of, bass trombone is not a term that the sensitive would ever like to be plural! It is just about the most powerful instrument in a band or orchestra, so it is not unusual to be sitting still counting bars rest while the rest of the band are playing pretty loud, and then only come in for the absolute climax.   Because of the power and the slightly unwieldy nature of the instrument those of us who play it can be the butt of some jokes, and here are a few.

What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?

1. Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
2. It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.

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How do you know when a bass trombone player is at your door?

The doorbell drags.

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What is a gentleman?

Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.

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How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a bass trombonist?

He knows how to use the slide, but he can't swing.

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What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?

On or off.

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How many bass trombonists does it takes to change a light bulb?

Bass trombonists do not change a light bulb - it's too high for them...

Translations

This came up the other day on a forum I belong to, I like it so much that I thought I would share

So we're all aware of the terms Transgender, Transvestite and Transsexual, but did you know there are so many more categories than that? Here are just a few examples:

• Transparent: When your father is actually your mother.
• Transistor: When your brother decides to become your sister.
• Transcontinental: A lady living in New York City named Paula that used to be a man named Paul in San Francisco.
• Transport: A long haul truck driver in a red cocktail dress named Bob.
• Transubstantiate: When you try to justify your reasons for cross dressing.
• Transpose: You pretend to be a cross dresser.
• Transmission: Two twenty year old guys in black skirts and white blouses riding around on bicycles handing out the Book of Mormon.
• Transplant: Your gardener Freida used to be your gardener Fred.
• Transient: A homeless cross dresser.
• Transact: An actor who cross dresses.
• Transverse: A poet who cross dresses.
• Transmute: A cross dresser who cannot speak.
• Transunion: Militia that the Confederacy feared the most.
• Transpirational: A minister who cross dresses.
• Transpire: You are nervous about cross dressing and you sweat a lot.
• Transfuse: Cross dressing electrician.
• Tranship: Luxury cruises for trans people.
• Transcend: When Kimmy uploads new pics to Flickr.
• Transcript: A doctor who writes hormone prescriptions.
• Translator: A procrastinating cross dresser.
• Transformation: Several crossdressers at the Wal-Mart check out line.
• Transylvania: The brand of light bulb most flattering to crossdressers.
• Transit: Remembering to keep your knees together when wearing a short skirt.
• Transgression: Two cross dressers fighting over a bra on sale at Victoria's Secret.
• Translate: Oops! I've got to go!