Imposters

I think it is quite common for musicians and other performers to have a degree of imposter syndrome, I have certainly experienced more than my fair share of it over the years. I remember talking to a couple of singers once and saying how often I had the fear that somebody in an audience would stand up point at me and say "I'm paying to listen to proper musicians not them!" only to be told that is an ordinary everyday part of being a musician, that we all get it from time to time. I don't know whether it comes from setting too exacting standards, from not appreciating your own qualities or maybe from just not feeling sufficiently prepared. For me I think it came from the idea that I was always playing a part.

In costume as cabaret compere

This all came back to mind following a recent post over on Crysti's Condo where she talks about acting as her true self, and self confidence as the most important accessory a trans woman can have. Most people who know me would think that self confidence was something that I have never been short of, but believe me much of that was all part of the act, of playing the part. Whether I was playing the part of a manager, a musician, an entertainer, or whatever it always felt that I was playing a role not being actually being it. To this end I would always get into costume. A smart suit when I was being a manager, work boots and "fatigues" if I was a labourer, and of course the dinner jacket for concerts. These costumes would help me "get in character" help me to play the part, to give me that aura of self confidence. Little did people know the shrinking little girl inside.

2012 and still in costume

Having said all that it's hardly surprising that when I started to go out dressed I was still playing a part, true the costume was a bit more elaborate and the role a rather different one. Although playing a woman was in many ways a lot more satisfying than any of the other roles I had been playing, I was still getting into a costume to get into character to play a role. ~ I should say that I was totally oblivious to all this as to me at the time this was just how life worked.

Of course one of the things that visually separates men and women is often our hair, so if I wanted to go out I would have to adopt a wig ~ now I know some girls have to wear wigs for a variety of reasons, this is simply my experience and how I feel ~ at first I bought a rather nasty cheap grey wig, it was sold I think as part of an "old woman" fancy dress but it served my use. when this started to get a little tired I tried one in my original hair colour, dark brown, and it looked awful. I realised that if I was going to do this I should buy a decent wig, and ended up with the blond bob on the left. I realised that as my hair had gone greyer, my skin tones had changed as well, now dark hair made me look washed out, whereas the lighter blond tones match my natural grey.

2014 and out of costume, just me!

Of course as anyone who has had to wear wigs for any length of time knows they are not terribly comfortable, and very difficult to forget. As I gradually began to grow my hair and have it styled in a more feminine manner I could abandon my wigs, and that's when I made an interesting discovery.

Suddenly for the first time I felt as thought I wasn't in costume and wasn't playing a part. I wasn't dressing as a woman, I wasn't pretending to be a woman, I wasn't pretending to be anything, I was simply being me, being a woman. This of course also made me realised that for all those years I had been playing a role, pretending to be a man, now I could really start being me rather than simply playing the role that society expected of me.

Now I am being authentically me rather than role playing I have real self confidence, it's no longer an act, the imposter syndrome has (virtually) gone and as a consequence I am sure I am a better, nicer person, and I'm certainly a better musician. Without that self confidence from being true to myself I don't think I would ever have been have been able to do stand up in public, I used to "get away with" conducting, but now I love it and think I help others too.

Every now and then I do still play a role, and I will get into costume to do it. but these days I think the costumes are more fun! I have always loved clothes but now I just wear them for the joy of it, rather than to get into role. The strange thing is that when I started being honest about my cross dressing I thought it was all about the clothes, yet bizarrely it was through cross dressing that I realised just how much my "ordinary" day to day life had been all about the clothes.

Evolution

Joe asked why I was surprised by this photo, well I suppose the first reason is to find that it was taken so long ago.   Although  I have not looked at it for a while the day is so fresh in my memory that it seems as though it could have been this summer.   It was a bit of a breakthrough day for Paula I went up to town to the V & A to an exhibition and met an on-line friend for tea.   Not that incredible but it was my first time on public transport and the first time that I met and seriously interacted with anybody socially as Paula.

This friend is of a quite philosophical turn of mind, but still with a well developed sense of humour, unfortunately I knew them through the forum that I felt obliged to leave so have lost touch.   But the lessons of that day have stayed with me, that most people don't care who I am or how I am dressed, and even more won't notice (I know that it is difficult to have more than most but I see these two groups overlapping).    Almost everybody at an exhibition, concert or play are more interested in the exhibition, concert or play than they are in the other people there.   In a major urban multicultural environment there are worse things to worry about than a cross dresser.   In short that it is perfectly safe to go out as long as I follow the rules that any sensible woman would follow.

The other surprise is for a photo that seems so recent I was surprised how "my look" has progressed.   I am so much happier now I have decided to abandon wigs.   I know I am lucky to have enough hair and the social and work freedom to let it grow, but I can see a certain self consciousness in photos from then, some of which I am sure comes from a certain insecurity that comes from the wig.   I no longer have the grey one from that photo (or an horrendous brown curly one, that was so bad I will never share any photos of me wearing that!) but I do still have my blond one and  think there is a brown one knocking around at the back of the cupboard somewhere.   There is much about Paula that is false so I like to hang on to the real bits that I can.

My wedding ring, is real, pretty much all my other jewellery is cheap costume stuff, I use padding to help my figure, make up to help my face, at least now I can have my own hair!

Back to school

My daughter went back to school today,this is a big year for her, as she will be finishing her GCSEs, and maybe more to the point making some pretty big decisions about her future, what she wants to do for A levels, whether to go to University, if so what to study, should it be career orientated or purely academic interest?    At the moment I'm not sure how she will manage some of this when she can't even settle on a hair colour!

Our bathroom currently resembles a battle zone at Vidal Sassoon's.   At various points over the summer she has been blond, and red for a short while at some point her hair went jet black.   Extensions have gone in and come out curls and waves have done the same.   Last night a decision was made that her hair should go more or less back to it's natural brown and stay that way all term.   Of course this meant that it had to be dyed again, and in the process so has every surface in the bathroom.   AT least when I want to change my hair colour I just put on a different wig

Hairy moments

I had a bit of a difficult day today, between dodging down pours and my mower breaking down not a very successful day's work.   However I did have my friend S working with me today, now since coming out to her I have made one or two references to my activities (I gave her a nail polish I decided wasn't my colour) but we have never really talked about it much.   I think this is largely because she is not a very "girly" girl, much more interested in gardening, cooking and music three of my passions.   Well twice today the subject came up indirectly, first when we found ourselves discussing wigs and how the colour can be such a disappointment.   S had always fancied being bond so when she was offered a wig during the (successful) treatment for a cancer she tried a blond one, and it just didn't work, another friend of our used the opportunity to try lots of different colours and styles, we were almost running a sweep as to what colour and length her hair would be each week.   So I told the saga of my dark brown one, she took this well in her stride, but did not pursue the matter.  

Later ~over lunch, we were talking about passports, and I told the story of the last time used mine.   I had previously told part of the story, so she knew about the breakdown and being stopped by the Police, but of course had not been told before how I was dressed for all this.    I defy anyone not raise at least a bit of smile when they know the full story, and of course I still think that passport guy was just so cool!

I had hoped for a nice easy morning tomorrow before going off to play as a guest with a brass band, now it looks as though I shall be spanner twirling trying to fix at least one of my four mowers.

Saturday's hair conundrum

Saturday Morning, I got up early having got myself packed and prepared on Friday night, I just needed to get dressed and on the road.   Once I was dressed and made up I was about to put on my wig, but looking again in the mirror I decided that I would go without.   I stopped off to get some breakfast (just a sandwich to eat on the journey) and to fill up with diesel, I did engage in conversation with a couple of people both of whom were very friendly and chatty, just treating me as any other female customer.

I had to stop for a comfort break so called ahead to the Hospital from the motorway services I found that Mum would not be home till after 2:00 p.m. so didn’t hurry.   Instead stopping of at the Cardiff Matalan, here I did try on a few dresses, I thought I might pick myself up something to replace the departed Roxanne dress, I tried a couple of red dresses and one pink one.   Both of the red dresses were cut in such a way across the neckline that they would very quickly become uncomfortable, the pink one I rather liked, but resisted on the basis of why spend money on something that I don’t know if I will get a chance to wear.   Later I went to Tesco’s primarily to stock up mum’s larder.   For all of this I was dressed, made up and even had pretty pink finger nails, but no wig, I felt more comfortable, and nobody seemed to read me, or if they did notice at least nobody commented or paid me any undue attention.

This now begs the question am I going to persevere with wigs, or shall I just wear my own hair from now on?   This is particularly pertinent as I have just acquired an additional wig, it is a shoulder length straight black one made from human hair, I quite like the style, but am not convinced by the colour, maybe it is just that it is so long since I saw black hair on my head that it is strange.   No photo of the black wig, it is just too scary!

He pinched my boobs!

It has been something of a mixed weekend, Saturday was great, as well as having a lovely outing on Saturday night I managed to fix a lawn mower and get lots of other jobs done, most of them like the mower have been waiting for my attention for ages.   From there it changed, when I went out to m van on Sunday someone had driven into the back denting both the back doors and making it rather difficult to open, but worse was still to come.

This morning as I went to the van to start work, I noticed that the side door wasn't properly shut, on investigating I found that it had indeed been broken into.   Even though I had quite a few tools in the back the only things that seem to be missing are my large drill / concrete breaker and my pair of angle grinders, and oh yes a load of Paula stuff.   I had some things in aluminium cases and a holdall with shoes and a few items of clothing which I had left in the van after Saturday night.

They left my handbag and makeup bag and as far as I can tell at the moment most of the shoes and clothes.   My expensive wig was chucked in the back, but there.   What I do know is missing all my jewelry including my two favourite watches, my "second best" (or only other) wig, all my nail varnish and remover, my scent, wipes and various bits of makeup which wasn't in the bag; and in some ways worst of all my forms.   I have acquired this lot over a period of at least a couple of years and won't be able to replace much of it.   Nothing was particularly expensive but now it has all gone I will need new earrings; necklace; rings before I can go out again.

I should be cross, but mostly I just feel very sad, but I console myself that it could have been a lot worse.

Away

I've been away for a couple of days, and not had a chance to post for a while, however I have managed to prepare a few posts and will be putting those up over the next week.   They may seem a bit random at first, especially if I get them out of order, but I hope they will make some sort of sense.

Right now I have just got home after a long drive home, I made the drive a little longer than it needed to be so that I could stop for comfort breaks and simply to strut my stuff.   I have had a day when I have been dressed 100% fem 100% of the time, even if it wasn't always obvious.   I started the day in bed, waking up wearing my nice satin PJs a fairly boring dressing gown concealing the more obvious fem cues, after a shower I put on a rather lacy cami / vest a pale lilac polo, tights and some fem jeans.   The main thing that struck me was how comfortable I felt.   The way I looked was secondary but still quite gratifying.   I stayed dressed this way until about an hour before I had to leave, a which point I swapped the camisole for a bra and slip, this is my not quite matching nearly set of animal print undies, I was pleasantly surprised that with my polo neck back on it was not too obvious what I was wearing underneath, and again how comfortable it all was.

Once I had departed I swapped my jeans for skirt and changed shoes so I could get a couple of photos

Not very good I know but the best I could manage at the time.   I don't think I'm a bad photographer, but I am rubbish at self portraits, maybe I should practise more.   You may notice that I am wearing my own hair, this was partly down to comfort, partly down to it being rather blustery, my hair is a little on the long side at the moment and I reckoned I could "get away with it".   Interestingly when I made my first stop at a services I suddenly felt very self conscious without my wig, I almost went back to the van to put it on, but carried on.   I felt as though I stood out and that every one was looking at me with disapproval, of course they weren't, but it shows what thing threads our confidence can hang by.   After another comfort break I changed again into my new red dress ~ you will hear more of that soon ~ and completed the journey with only one more stop, before getting so nearly home that I felt safe stopping for a glass of wine.   Unfortunately the Grape and Grain was already closed when I got there, but another local hostelry welcomed Paula in for a solitary late night glass of wine.   Now I'm home and of course that means I had to change back into drab, once again I am feeling the low after the high, eve though I haven't really been anywhere or done anything it is so nice being dressed that going back into normal boring drab male dress is a real downer

Too Girly?

Today (Tuesday) I am working from home, as the weather is foul and I can't do much outdoors I am spending the morning on data entry - a monthly contract job I have - on my own.    More accurately perhaps I should say that Paula is working from home.   After my wife left for her office I decided to get dressed, as I am sure you are aware this meant shaving, foundation garments, make-up, nail polish, jewelry (just some "pearls") a dress and "proper" shoes.   So about 90 minutes after I started getting ready I am about to start work.

It struck me how much longer than my wife it took me to get ready for work, she takes about a third of that time, and then I thought about what she wears for work, normally just trousers and a top, along with the essential undies.   No jewelry other than (maybe) ear rings and watch, no make up, ordinary shoes and socks, in fact pretty much what a lot of blokes would wear.   (When I regularly worked in offices I always wore a suit and tie so actually took longer to get dressed than my wife).   I should point out that although my wife is not particularly "girly" she is definitely feminine.   This led me to the thought is what I am struggling to obtain femininity or elegance?

When I have the chance do I glam up to show how feminine I am or to be as elegant as possible?   It is nice to go out in (fem) jeans and a top but that is in comparison to going out in men's jeans and tee shirt, it is more fun to go out wearing a dress.   Now is this because it is more feminine, or more elegant? or maybe it is just that like many of you I so rarely get the chance to wear something pretty that when I do have the chance I grab it.

Well the photo shows me today wearing my new dress, looking quite festive and feeling quite elegant..

Always something New

Yes there is always something new, some new boundary to cross, some new envelope to rip open, some new experience to enjoy.   Well today (Tuesday) I found another new expression of femininity to explore.   As I have said I have been having a bit of back trouble recently (can't get it off the bed in the morning) and in consequence have had a bit more Paula time.
Well this does mean that I have caught up with Paula's laundry, and today allowed Paula an outing.   Nothing that exciting, shoes needing new heels, watch needing new battery and car needed taxing.   This lot equals a trip into Croydon. Well while I was wandering around killing time waiting for my shoes to be heeled (that's a sign of how much I like those shoes comfortable stylish and not very high heels) I noticed that Debenham's had a threading deal on.

I am aware that my eyebrows are a little shaggy and maybe one of my less feminine features, so I dived in and had them done, in public, in a department store.   and you know what? no one cared!  I thought that today was not one of my better presentations;-

Taken later after removal of my make up

I had been a bit flustered and rushed getting ready so as to make sure that I was out before my wife came home for lunch - Tuesday being her half day - my nail polish hadn't gone on quite right, not wrong, but not quite right either.    I got pretty much dressed, I was wearing jeans with a lilac turtle neck and a nice M & S wool jacket with a sparkly salamander brooch; as I was wearing jeans rather than a dress or skirt I though I would leave the makeup until I was safely on my way.   Then as I was walking to the car a friend pulled up beside me and engaged me in conversation. all I could think of was I had on a bra with my forms in, and nail varnish on my fingers, oh yes and some quite nice low heel ballet pumps - They must have noticed I have been outed!.  At least I hadn't got all my make up on.

Maybe with all this going wrong I should have called it a day, gone home and poured myself a Scotch, but no I carried on, put on my make up and jewellery, and then realised that my wigs were both at home in my bedroom.   Maybe I should follow Meg's example and start making lists.  

As I wandered around Croydon I was no more aware of any extra attention than usual, my own hair is fairly long at the moment and all that stops me from wearing it "au natural" is that it is receding a bit at the front, I combed it forward so the fringe more or less covered the thinning area.   Well after all this I thought I deserved a treat so I got my eyebrows threaded, it hurt a bit but looks a fair bit tidy-er, not a great big difference but better.   I think that it will help my presentation, and I may well have it done again.

Stealth Mode

The other day I mentioned that Gloria was going to have to find a new home, well I still have Gloria but yesterday I picked up her successor.   Nothing special in that you may say, but.....
As I had to travel over to Harrow to pick up the new van I decided to make the journey worthwhile and the time well spent, for me this meant that I travelled semi dressed, or what you might call stealth mode.   I had sheer hosiery under my ladies jeans, a new pair of ballet style pumps with a small but undeniable heel.   I also had eye makeup, lip gloss, my "pearl" rope and a well padded bra with boobs!    I had a quite large man's burgundy cord shirt and a ladies denim jacket, as the jacket has no usable pockets I carried what needed to be carried in a white cotton shoulder bag.   Although I was not aware of attracting any great attention, my choice in footwear did get a few glances.

My choice in fotwear

After collecting the van I added foundation, powder, etc to my make up and put on the rest of my jewelry and wig.   This all felt a little weird as I was wearing flats and jeans, but was no longer in stealth mode.   Well I stopped off a large Tesco in Wembley to pick up a few supplies, when I had gathered my purchases and was looking around for the shortest checkout queue a very helpful young male assistant directed me "The basket checkouts are at the other end, Madame"   I was so thrilled at being called Madame at that point I could have hugged him.   I am sure that had he known he would be pleased that I restrained myself.

This tells me that to pass or at least be accepted I don't need to glam up, a few serious clues are sufficient.   I had been feeling a little unsure of myself, did I look like a woman, or bloke wearing makeup, that "Madame" was so reassuring, I found a whole new spring in my step afterwards.   I am now wondering how little makeup I can get away with wearing, is less more? it should certainly be more comfortable, and maybe less obvious

Hair today gone tomorrow

I am always impressed by how nice people are to Paula, very often much nicer than they are to him.   I had am instance of this yesterday.  

Now for me one of the problems of trying to look reasonably convincing as a woman is my hair.   As I am past a "certain age" I am going grey, and more to the point my hair line is try to escape to the top of my head.   So far I have been wearing a wig, initially a rather cheap but not too bad grey wig I picked up on e-bay. recently I bought a much better, much more realistic wig from the excellent Mary of Fosters Wigs in Streatham.   The trouble is that I am not particularly comfortable, I am always conscious that I am wearing something on my head, and always worried that it is not straight, or that my own hair is showing making it obvious that I am wearing a wig.

I know that with everything else this is a minor point but it worries me.   Well while driving home from Cardiff yesterday I decided that it was time for a hair cut, there is something about my hair that means men can't cut it.   Well they can cut it just not well.   Over the years the good hair cuts I have had have been by women, so as well as deciding to get a hair cut I wanted to make sure that it was cut by a woman, as I was dressed I also decided that I would try a ladies salon.   Now I am aware that for a lot of CDs this is no big deal, but for me it was a first.   I did not want to go locally so I stopped in Sunbury, and went into the http://www.sunburyx.com/ salon.   As they weren't to busy I only had to wait about 15 minutes, while waiting the other customers engaged me in conversation, talking babies all very nice and very relaxed.


All mine



 I saw Dionne and explained my problem, i.e. my own hair was too long so I needed it to not stick out under the wig, or if possible to cut it so that it could be styled in a more fem manner so that I didn't have to wear the wig at all.  



She decided that there was not enough length or body at the front, and too much at the back, a wash cut and blow dry later she had transformed my hair more than I would have thought possible.   I was so pleased that I asked her to take a photo for me, that's it on the left.   I liked the look very much and did not put the wig back on before going shopping in Kingston.   As I was out and about I was not conscious of getting any more attention than I would have 

Bought from Fosters

if I had a wig on, and certainly felt more comfortable.   At the moment I don't think this can be a long term solution as by this morning most of the extra body had had to be combed out, but with a little more length at the front I think I could go for this for special outings.

Dionne and the others were really nice to me all the time I was there, treating my just like one of the girls, I did ask her permission to use her name and details on this blog and she was very happy, so if you are around Sunbury and need any of the treatments offered I am more than happy  to recommend popping in.   That having been said, next time I will be making an appointment.

So here is the question, which looks better, my own hair styled by the lovely Dionne or the wig?   This is not a rhetorical question I would like answers please, either add a comment or e-mail me.   I will try to answer every e-mail so feel free.