Shoot, CR Campaign

I know this is pretty much yesterday's news, but I just came across it again after 5years!

Over the years I have managed to acquire a bit of a reputation as something of a "Camera Whore" I'm not totally convinced that's really fair, but I certainly did go through a phase 5/6 years ago when I had several professional photo shoots and managed the odd appearance on mainstream TV as well as a few promotional videos. I think it all started with the photo on the left, this was, I think, my first season with the LGSO and was part of a series used to promote the orchestra and to use as cover photos on our programmes. It was certainly quite an occasion for me as it was over 10 years ago and before I was properly "out". I wrote a little about the occasion here and here.

The photo on the right is more recent, I think about seven years ago about the same time as that video, and was part of an outdoors exhibition for International Women's Day celebrating the women of Croydon ~ of course I was very flattered to be part of it. Even now I get a little thrill when my identity is affirmed, especially when it is done casually without thought, when like this I am just included amongst "we women".

These are from somewhere in between, probably about 8 years ago. The wonderful Vanessa Lees Photography took a series of photos of me and other trans people for her exhibition featuring trans people just going about our day to day lives. Again I was flattered to be part of this along with my bass!

A little bit more up to date now just a couple of months ago we hosted a photographer at the Phoenix Concert Band, he took some fabulous shots of the band, and even I managed to sneak into a couple of them. I do like this one, but it does remind me that these days my fashion choices are a bit more restricted, unless I am prepared to buy another whole new wardrobe!

More stuff, too much stuff?

The other day I talked about my efforts at getting a bit fitter, and hopefully losing some excess fat in the process, this is not the only aspect of my life that I am trying to sort out a bit. In some ways I am over committed and need to make decisions about what I really want to do with the rest of my life, Now that "other" activities do not have to revolve around "work" I need a reset. I hope to have another 20 or so active years, I certainly don't want to waste them.

Stuff, I'm unlikely to use this trombone "in anger"

As I live in a studio flat every bit of space I have is precious, and all too much of that precious space is filled with instruments, at the current count I have two trombones (a Bb/F tenor and a double plug orchestral bass) two tubas (Besson 984 EEb and a B&S five rotor CC) two electric basses (one five string and one four string) an electric keyboard, assorted percussion "toys" and a Euphonium ~ and they are just the ones I actually play! I have decided that instruments I don't play should have no place in my flat. I have recently passed on my P Bone, a three quarter size violin, and a baritone horn. That now leaves a trumpet and a cornet to move on, I also have a large CC/BBb tuba gig bag that is surplus to requirements and taking up valuable space and will shortly be going on ebay. In that case I do have to ask myself why I have just ordered a marching euphonium!

It's not just instruments that I have acquired that need to be sorted, I also have lots of books and sheet music (I refuse to use the term "too much" as in both these cases it is an oxymoron), lots of paper records and, well, "stuff". Stuff that would be perfectly fine if I still lived in a three bedroom house, or even had a garage. I am slowly getting rid of a lot of my larger gardening tools, but still have a large roller cabinet of mechanics tools I am reluctant to get rid of until I decide on my next car. 

More "stuff"

Occasionally I have to ask myself how many house plants is enough? Do I really need enough cutlery, china and glass ware to hold a five course dinner party for eight people when I only have two dinning chairs? Is having four overcoats excessive? and, just how long should I keep those bank statements?

It is currently anything but spring but I am making a serious effort at sorting my life out ~ anybody want some spider plants?

A Dark Day

 

A lot of my friends from the USA are very worried, Stana at Femulate has "Gone Dark" and is shutting the leading cross dressing blog down, as she doesn't want to encourage people into danger, others have adopted the all black square as their profile pictures on social media. I suspect many would now be leaving the Country if they had the option. Many of us feared that the presidential election would go the way it has, but I think few thought that it would be as comprehensive, nor that both Houses would also come under Republican control. Personally I am still reeling, even though this should have little direct impact on my life here in the UK, it may even push us back closer to Europe which I would only view as a positive.

We know that Trump now has power beyond most presidents dreams, we know the contempt he has for women, LGBT+ people, people with disabilities, in short anyone who isn't an able bodied white heterosexual man ~ what we don't know is what he will do about it. I suspect that he himself doesn't yet know and that uncertainty just adds further to the fear.

As an observer this has been a fascinating campaign the Vice President appeared to run an excellent, if short, campaign, the President appeared to make multiple blunders but maintain support and momentum. On Tuesday evening I stayed up with a friend and a bottle of Jack Daniels to watch the TV coverage as results started to come in. It was hard to believe what we were watching, nobody and nothing had prepared us for the scale of the victory, we woke up on Wednesday hung over and a little despondent. I'm still trying to work out what this says about America, but I am sure that it is nothing good. I am also sure that I will not be visiting anytime soon!

Tomorrow is Remembrance Sunday, when we remember all of those, of all nations, who have fallen in war, at the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month we remember, we remember in the hope that that if we remember we will not engage again. WW1 was know as the "War to end Wars" at the time nobody could conceive that the World would forget the horrors of war would be inflicted on the World again ~ we were wrong, there has been war somewhere ever since. As we commemorate the fallen tomorrow we have to be aware that we are closer to another World War than we have ever been since 1945

Fit for Nothing

On my way to rehearsal last night Mr Google (or I suppose that should really be MS Google as the app is blessed with a female voice) took me on a very different route to any of the many I am used to. Apart from just how many possible routes through South London there are, the main thing that struck me was just how many open green spaces I passed. I have spent my entire life so far living in South East London so can't really comment authoritatively on any other places, but I think we are truly blessed. I am now in my seventh decade and my seventh home when I moved into my current flat I didn't even think about how close it was to a park, every other place I had lived quite literally had a park just across the road, and a bigger one within easy walking distance. My major local park, and one of my "happy places" is Joseph Paxton's Masterpiece at the Crystal Palace ~ indeed this flat is the only place I have lived where I can't see the tower from at least one of my windows!

Back in 2014

At one time or another from all my previous abodes I would go for a run, it was an easy matter to just run round my local park for a varying number of times depending on my fitness level at the time and the size of the park. I no longer have a convenient park of any size and my knees are pretty much shot so trying to get a bit fitter by going for a run is no longer an option. I am a member of a local gym, and so far I have been the sort of member they like, I keep paying my subscription but rarely turn up and use the facilities, every time I start to get into the habit of regular work outs something seems to happen that prevents me, the latest being my wrist RSI, well it is now sufficiently better for me to start going again, and I have thoroughly enjoyed a couple of visits, this time I am determined to get a bit fitter. 

"The Stodge" 2024

Now I have stopped work, and it is many a year since I have tried to play rugby I don't have any activities that help with my natural levels of fitness, or indeed my weight. Over the last couple of years a good couple of stone (28 pounds) has gradually added itself, mostly around my tummy. It's not just that I am fed up with seeing this fat woman looking back at me from the mirror, it's not just that I'm fed up with so many of my favourite clothes no longer fitting, while both of these do matter to me the main one is that I know I am unfit, I get tired too quickly, I can't play long low notes for as long as I used to and I'm just finding more things I can no longer do as easily as I should. Realistically I have another twenty or so years so I want to enjoy them to the full, and at least in part that means getting fitter again, so I am determined to start getting better value for money from my gym membership!

More Musings

 At the moment I seem to keep passing milestones, and today is no exception. It is both a sobering and an encouraging day, for today I have received the first payment of my state pension. ~ I won't be living a life of luxury on it, but alongside my small occupational pension it does mean I will be able to live at some level of financial security. For me financial security is not something I have experienced for any substantial period of time having spent the majority of my career self employed, I hope to use these next few years to pursue some of the things that give me most satisfaction, making music, watching rugby, cooking (and eating) good food, and enjoying time with friends.

While indulging in the last two of those the other day two of us were considering our musical careers over the years and how different factors had impacted them, my lunch companion observed that whenever I referred to myself  in my pre transition days I either used my "dead name" or "Him" never "me". I have noticed this in other trans women as well, it is an interesting phenonium. I am generally quite careful of language (especially when in conversation with those I have not known for long) I  will talk of my days as a chorister ~ not as a choir boy, or when I was a child; I might refer to other girls but not other boys. I am also well known for referring to my pretransition days as "in another life". This is not because I don't know who I was or how the world experienced me back then, it's more because I don't want to screw with other people's minds too much.

Fat and Ugly?

Yet I suspect that there is also an element of disassociation as well, as though somehow prior to transition I was not really me. Now I am very proud of some of my achievements back then, I am proud of my music and of my sporting achievements ~ maybe not an Olympic gold medal but I certainly fulfilled my potential as a rugby player ~ of course most of all I am proud to be the father of a wonderful talented young woman. Yet often some of these almost feel as though they happened to somebody else, maybe that's age as much as transition. Often it is difficult or impossible to remember what it was like before, how I felt, how I acted, or indeed even how I dressed. 

I do remember that I always had a very poor self image, I was a fat child and have always thought of myself as fat, I have also always thought of myself as unattractive ~ how much of that is associated with my dysphoria I can't say ~ yet looking back on old photos I can see that I was neither.

On the other hand I know that now I am fat! I am also feeling extremely unfit and would have been going to the gym if it wasn't for this injury to my wrist. I have now finally seen a physiotherapist, and yes it is an RSI from playing the tuba! I have strained some tendons and have been given a regime to follow, hopefully I will be able to get back to playing the tuba soon, fortunately my next performance was always scheduled to be on trombone but I know that all the time I'm not playing or practising is going to be very difficult to make up for before the next flurry of performances.

Looking Forward, looking back and trying to remember a flutist

This recent article in the Guardian has triggered many thoughts, in no particular order, of course the first thought was that I don't remember him, but then I only remember a couple of the flutes anyway. Although in many ways the Croydon Youth Philharmonic Orchestra was exceptional one of the ways that it was typical of many orchestras is that we didn't mix socially outside of our sections, this was probably exacerbated by the fact that three out of four rehearsals were sectionals. While my love for orchestral music had already been established it was through CYPO that I had my first intense experiences of being part of an orchestra, and realising that this is what I wanted to spend my life doing.  I was certainly not around for a trip to Malta, who knows if I had gone to music college instead of leaving school and starting work I might have developed my love for that small Mediterranean island a lot earlier. The only music trip I got during my time was to Grimsby! a very different proposition. In my day the Local Authority was not giving grants for vocational courses other than medicine, and like many other families my parents were not prepared to pay for their youngest to go to music college when my two older brothers had received grants for their degrees.

It is now over 51 years since the inaugural concert of the Youth Orchestra, where I made many friends, discovered so much music, and had the the most intense rehearsal period of my life. Maybe we missed an opportunity and should have had a reunion of some sort. I know that a 52nd anniversary doesn't sound as dramatic as a 50th, but I wonder, if I was to organise something who would come? So, I am going to throw it out there ~ If I build it will you come? I know I am in touch through social media with a few of you, lets just ask round and see if we can do this before we all die off!

Arthur Davison, our conductor

The more serious thoughts are about the parlous state of schools' music now, when I was at school every school in Croydon had a set of instruments we could borrow, peripatetic instruments teachers came to all the schools, we had a schools wind orchestra (later 2 bands) a couple of schools' orchestras and the Youth Orchestra, all of this was available at no cost to parents. We were quite comfortably off, yet when I came home from school after my first couple of weeks and told my Mother that I wanted to learn an instrument her first question wasn't "Which instrument" or "are you sure/ you will have to practise" no my Mother's first questions was "How much will that cost me?" I strongly suspect that my parent's might have paid for lessons, but then to pay for a band and an orchestra on top of that might have stretched them, and then to buy an instrument as well may well have put them off ~ I am quite sure that many parents are put off now that is the case, and I am quite sure that many of my friends who learnt at the same time as me wouldn't have if there had been that cost attached. I know Keir Starmer knows all this because he talks about it here, can I still hope that things will improve?

Now music has become an expensive extracurricular that only a few can afford, add to that the very limited opportunities for young people to hear live music, ~ real people, playing real music, on real instruments in front of them ~ how are they going to know if they want to play or not. I recently performed at a junior school in Surrey, until that point none of the children had heard live music outside of school assemblies. There is an old adage that if you can't see it you can't be it, I think that also applies to if you don't hear it you can't play it!

Now I am moving into a new stage in my life I wonder if there is some way that I can help schools introduce more young people to music, to show them some of the possibilities that they might not be aware of ~ if we don't do something soon then not only will we not have the instrumentalists for our bands and orchestras, we won't have any audiences either.

Keir Starmer may now be the most recognised former member of CYPO but our alumni include Matt Dunkley, Roger Coull, Paul Goodwin, Dominic Hackett, Imogen East, Stina Wilson, Rupert Bond, Daryl Davison, Beverley Davison, and so many more of us who have contributed to the musical life of the Country.

Updates

The more eagle eyed amongst you may have noticed a couple of changes to Paula's Place, I have updated the links to other Blogs on the left hand side and I have added a page!

My Music is where I am sharing my arrangements and original compositions ~ mostly for Concert Band or Brass Band, but there are also a couple of odd chamber works for various groups. These are just the ones I have published, and I will be adding to them as I publish more and more of my work. I just started typing "As I move further into my retirement" but I don't think retirement is really the correct term. "Retirement" suggest stopping work, my plan is to continue to work, just at different things in different ways, without the same economic imperative to earn money from everything I do. Arranging and composition are prime examples I don't anticipate earning much from this work, I just hope a few people will choose to play some of it.

On a more personal note I mentioned here that an old health issue had reared it's ugly head again. Back at the beginning of August I played at a band summer school, five days of intensive playing, at the end of the course my right wrist was becoming sore, on the drive home it swelled up and became very sore, enough to restrict my ability to use that hand. I was then home for a week before going away again, but for all of that week my Doctor's on line triage system was not working and they will only give emergency appointments if phoned at 8:00 a.m. Gradually my wrist seemed to improve so I stopped worrying about it, by the time I went on holiday it felt fine, but then it all blew up again. I have now done some conducting and it was fine, I have played the euphonium and it was fine, I have played trombone in the Orchestra, no problems. Last night I tried to play the tuba, big problems!

I have now been in contact with my Doctor and the best they can offer is to see their physiotherapist, but the first available appointment is not for two weeks! The trouble is that I am now convinced that this is an RSI from playing the tuba, but I don't know what to do, do I exercise it and paly a bit regularly, do I give it total rest, or do I just avoid playing the tuba? Should I use ice, or heat? The biggest worry is not knowing.

One of my take aways from this is that even though we moan that Trans people are neglected by the NHS, or how much people with Fibromyalgia or EDS are miss understood or ignored, it makes me realise that the NHS is broken and at the moment is serving nobody well. I think the main thing I will be judging our new Labour Government on over their next five years in power is going to be the state of the NHS.

Long and rambling reflections

Just another middle aged woman

Although I now live my life simply as just another middle aged, middle class woman I still occasionally read a few cross dresser blogs, it keeps me grounded in my past, just as I keep a little plastic model dustman on my desk to remind me that my life has not always been as comfortable as it is now. A couple of recent posts on Femulate have had me pondering on the difference between trans women and cross dressers, what it is that that separates those who are happy to have an occasional outlet from those of us who need to transition? For decades I identified as a cross dresser, indeed I might well even have described myself as a "plain vanilla cross dresser". Ever since I first heard about anyone transitioning (probably April Ashley ) or much later when BBC aired the series "A Change of Sex" my attitude was very much along the lines of "Well, that's alright for them, but it's not for the likes of me" a feeling that somehow I would be excluded, that transition just wasn't possible for me. Somehow along with the general aura of societal disapproval I had an idea that since I wasn't gay, and was a "big lad" I was condemned to live my life in the gender assigned at birth. My outlet was to cross dress.

A Typical Cross Dresser

I struggle to remember a time before, but I probably started cross dressing in small ways when I was around 10/11, but until I was in my late forties it was always my "dirty little secret", again the messages I was getting from all over were always of vague general disapproval, and how could I reconcile my desire to be feminine with my joy in playing rugby, riding motorbikes and what could only be described as a healthy interest in women! 

It wasn't until I was around fifty that I actually started to go out at all.

Now I find reading the blogs from cross dressers very interesting, mostly they seem very contented with their lot, they enjoy their time out, relieve the stress of modern male life, enjoy the clothes, the attention (or lack of it), have a very pleasant time, then go home and get changed. Indeed it was reading here about how others feel after an outing that has prompted this post! Those who commented all agreed that afterwards they felt better, relaxed, and would be feeling positive and looking forward to their next outing.  This is very interesting, and I feel in some ways shows the difference between cross dressers and those of us who transition, While I remember the elation of being out and of experiencing the World as a woman, and indeed having the World experience me as a woman my feelings when I had to go back to DRAB were very different. I was always sad afterwards, I used to talk about "putting Paula back in her box" but the overwhelming emotion was one of bereavement. Not so much looking forward to the next opportunity to dress up and go out as much as mourning that these were only ever snatched moments.

I have often reflected on my need for the World to experience me as a woman, the acceptance, the vindication, the affirmation, I have also often reflected on how I experienced the World as a Woman, and indeed how these both changed after I went "Full Time", I have rarely reflected on how I felt afterwards, yet I think it was the sadness, the feeling of loss, of bereavement that finally convinced me that I needed to "go fulltime" ~ to transition. I sincerely believe that my decisions were right, even though in the process I did hurt and confuse the people I most loved, I have not experienced that sense of deep personal loss about myself since, and frankly I believe that if I had continued as I was that feeling would have become unendurable. 

There is an old joke that comes around every now and then "What's the difference between a cross dresser and a transsexual?" ~ "About three years" on reflection I think maybe it is that for some of us cross dressing is a relief, an occasional outlet or expression of our femininity, for others it is a vital stepping stone towards a new life.

Mists and Mellow Fruitfulness

My diary tells me that today is the first day of Autumn, and going out this morning with a mist settled over everything I was quite happy to believe it. For me it has been quite a change, for the last coupe of weeks in Malta I have been enjoying day time temperatures comfortably in the high twenties, often touching the low 30s more than a few times. Getting back to London even here the temperatures were still in the mid twenties and very pleasant. Then this morning it felt like quite a sudden change with the temperature a good five or six degrees lower than yesterday.

Of course autumn is a time for harvests and as the saying goes fruitfulness, but for those of us less directedly connected to the land it is a time for fresh beginnings as well. It is the start of the new school year, and along with that many bands and orchestras start their new season in September. On Friday it was a joy to get back to rehearsals with the Phoenix Concert Band, it is great to see old friends, to make music together and to introduce a couple of new members into our midst. A new season also means new music, so it is pretty exciting all round. This is going to be one of our busier terms with a Remembrance Parade to play for as well as a couple of Christmas Concerts, that means a very wide selection of music to rehearse.

To some of us autumn has yet another meaning, something that I look forward to all summer ~ the chance to wear boots again! ~ yes I really am that shallow! Clothes have always been important to me and now I revel in wearing things that I couldn't before, and boots come very high on that list. Many of my favourite outfits include boots, leggings and a jumper, and it will soon be time to get them out again.  

This photo is about five or six years old, and at least a couple of stone (28 pounds or around 15 kg) ago. I still have these boots, and the leggings and tee shirt ~ there's no way that I'd look this good in them now, I think it is finally time that I made a concerted effort to lose some of my excess weight ~ perhaps I should give myself the target of a stone before Christmas?

"The season of Mists and Mellow Fruitfulness" is the first line from John Keat's "To Autumn"

From the Med

 This view from my balcony will tell anyone who know me that I'm not at home.

I'm just taking a quick break in the sun, unfortunately an old health issues has flared up which I think will put me out of playing action for quite a while. Hopefully I will know more when I get home and can consult my Doctor. In the mean time here's another lovely picture