Now it's Here, Now it's Gone

Yesterday it felt as though Summer had arrived.   I left Cardiff early in the day and by the time got to the Severn Bridge it was already getting warm, arriving back in London it would have been nice to put on a pair of shorts and go out into the garden, instead I had to do something quite different.

Summer ready nails,
with washing drying in the background

I had an afternoon meeting that required one of my increasingly rare incidents of cross dressing.   This is the single area of my life where I still have to be "Him" for a bit longer so it was on with shirt, tie, suit and heavy shoes.   Initially it all felt very strange and slightly unpleasant, but after a while I got into my role, relaxed and played the part rather well, indeed I was almost comfortable.   However four hours later after the job was done and I got home, the first thing I wanted to do was get changed and put on a bra!

As it was still sunny I also put on some shorts and got out into the garden ~ I didn't manage much but I have started to clear my veg beds so I can at least start to grow some produce this year.   It felt so summery that when I cleaned up and got changed for my evening's rehearsal I went for a summer colour on my nails.   This morning I got up and fund that it is a bit grey and a lot cooler, and my nails now look a bit bright!   But it won't be long till we can show off our legs paint our nails pink and revel in all the joys of summer.

A Visitor

On Saturday I had a visitor, apart from a group I host once a fortnight I don't actually get many visitors, and when I do they tend to just be to drop off an Avon order or something.   Saturday's visitor was the lovely Vanessa of Vanessa Lees Photography.   We have met a few times at events but have found it difficult to have any in depth conversation, so it was really nice to spend some time with her.   She is genuinely interested in our community and in our individual stories, and is putting together an exhibition featuring a few of us.

We spent a lot of time chatting and and then she took a few photos of me.   Stana has been running an occasional series of posts on favorite photos, where various girls send her a copy of their favorite photo and tell the story behind it.   Way back in November I was featured with what was then my favorite photo.  I think I now have a new favorite.  

I particularly like the one showing my hands on the valves of my beloved tuba.   The fact that my nail polish is a bit battered seems to me to show very much a real me rather than the more glamorous shots that we generally prefer.   Somehow this captures so much of my essence, my love of music, my instrument and at the same time my femininity.

Thank you Vanessa!

Turning Green

Just for a change I having a very busy weekend, I had a lovely time on Friday evening having dinner and catching up with an old friend, although I have only seen her once or twice in the twenty to thirty years we just picked up where we left off all those years ago.   We had an evening of chat and some more serious conversation, which was all helped along with copious quantities of wine.   Fortunately it had already been arranged that I would make use of her spare room over night so it wasn't actually until after lunch that I left.

Getting outside to the van I was a little confused by a pool of liquid in the footwell until I realised that a large tub of green wood stain had spit in the back and had run everywhere!  

Today I have the Autumn concert with the LGSO and will have to go and get changed and sort myself out to be in town on time before long.  I still have all the joy, effort, glamour and challenge of an afternoon rehearsal and evening concert to go and already I have had an exceptional weekend, one little high light was getting home yesterday afternoon and meeting one of my neighbours.

I had only come out to her a couple of weeks ago, but she is totally accepting, indeed she almost seems happy to have a neighbour to chat to about "girlie" things, we discussed my upcoming holiday and the preparation for it, she encouraged me to get my legs and chest waxed, I'm just not sure that I am up to the pain, she also recommended a nail colour, then dashed upstairs and came back with a bottle of the recommended colour for me.   Little gifts like this mean so much, it makes me feel as though I am being inducted into the feminine communion, or as Cyrsti would say I am feeling very welcomed to the Girls end of the Sandbox.

Tan Lines

Today is Pride and I am going up to London, I also have to rush back for a concert this evening and then another tomorrow.   So I did my finger nail last night, and this morning did my toe nails to match (hope it's nice enough for sandals).   But I am aware of a fairly impressive bruise that is still showing on my right foot after dropping an iron trivet on it last week.

However the worst thing to my eye is the ridiculous tan line across my foot where deck shoes I wear for work stop.

Shaveing

I used to have an on-line friend who would talk about the moment when "The Girl Emerged" I think that for her this was the point at which the physical "He" would be less obvious than the spiritual "Her" allowing the Her to be dominant.   For me I used to think of this as the point at which I could look in the mirror and see a she rather than a he.   I now find that I often see a she in the mirror even when I am not dressed or indeed even sometimes when I am in drab.

I think part of this is since I changed my hair style, and when I am not working I have started wearing a gold (coloured) chain, also of course now I am home alone most of the time I quite often have nail polish on.   The other morning I was struck by the incongruity of the image looking back at me in the mirror, there I was with my waved hair, gold chain, red finger nails and shaving foam all over my face.   When I can work out how I must take a photo.

I have also been trying keep all my body hair as clear as possible, I have noticed that my chest hair seems to grow faster than any other, at risk of sounding like a bad taste Billy Conolly stand up routine, isn't it all just hair, why should one bit on the same body be different to others?   My other thought is that since I started shaving I have followed in my father's footsteps, he taught me to shave using a shaving soap bowl, and I always have.   I now wonder if using one of the more modern products would help me get a cleaner finish.   Once again I am seeking advise, I know there are foams, and gels, as well as various soaps, I just don't know where to start.

What did you see?

You may have gathered that I am inordinately fond of nail polish, for me this is almost the epitome of femininity, nicely painted long shinny pink or red finger nails just scream elegance, glamour and sophistication.   I also tend to think that my hands are one of my best features, so I do love to paint my nails, I also hate to clean them off again so soon afterwards.

So one of the small pleasures I have enjoyed this last week or so is leaving my nail polish on over night, this has actually led to me going out in the morning with the polish still on.   On two days this week I have been with customers, while my nails were pink, and I have no comment from anyone other than my friend S who was working with me today, who just observed that she liked the colour, but that her darker one was more practical for hiding the inevitable dirt under the finger nails attached with our job.

I suspect that this is a part of the whole thing that people only see what they expect to see.   The other evening I was out fully dressed in a light cotton flowery summer dress with pretty much full make up delivering my invoices, two of my customers saw me, recognised me and talked to me, neither asked why I was wearing a dress, I suspect that they simply did not notice.   In some ways this is nice and reassuring that people are not simply setting about finding us out and deriding us for our clothes choices, on the other hand it is a little disappointing to go to all that trouble to look nice and then have people not even notice.

Pretty as a Picture

There should have been a couple of pictures with this mornings post, illustrating my ludicrous collections of nail polishes, this is another illustration of my weakness for buying "girlie" things.   I suspect that in some way my subconscious feels that buying something is the next best thing to being able to use / wear it.   That way I end up with far too many shoe, bras, nail polishes etc. etc. than I could ever need, if indeed I could be said to need any at all.

Fire Engine Red

This is the next post I prepared while away

On Saturday night I talked about being dressed up to the nines, for me this included nail polish. Regular readers will know about my love of polished nails.   Even when my nails are a little shorter than I would like nicely coloured nails are for me the epitome of femininity.    So on Saturday evening I was sat down with a bottle of nail polish and twenty bare nails.   It was only after I had painted all twenty that it struck me that the colour I had selected from my (far too large) collection was to all intents and purposes the same as the colour my Mother used to use on the rare occasions she dressed up.

When I was small it seemed to me that my Mother was a figure of absolute elegance and just a touch of glamour.   Certainly she had some very nice designer (or as they were known then “Model”) clothes.   Compared to these days both ladies and gentlemen had a lot less clothes, but very often what they did have was of better quality.   I remember Mum had one particularly nice grey woollen dress and coat suit that was of the first quality and wearing it she looked a million dollars.   On special occasions Mum would wear nail polish, and it was always that bright crimson colour so ingrained on my mind, I never remember her wearing any other colour!   I currently have something like nine or ten different colours.

Why do I remember this colour so vividly, was I even then wed to nail polish, no it is because it was Mum’s nail polish we used to re-paint our matchbox fire engines!

 

The scarlet colour had to be removed before I went in to see Mum early afternoon on Sunday, however I decided to push my luck and replaced it with a pearl polish, I also wore a mauve shirt blouse and some white high waisted baggy white linen trousers, along with some open toe low heel pumps which showed my bright red toe nails.   I knew that Mum would not notice anything amiss, but it was quite fun watching others having an internal debate as they noted my presentation.   I find that I have been increasingly pushing the boundaries, but effectively this was full femme apart from makeup and boobs.   I wonder what would happen (probably nothing) if I wore one of my favourite dresses but no make up, who would notice? who would care?

Not sure about this one

The other day I bought some new nail polish, nothing remarkable in this, but unusually for me it is not any sort of pink or red.   Apart from one bottle of a bronze all my nail polish is pink or red in one form or another, also like dresses I have far too many.   Anyway getting back to my new colour it is very pale, almost white, but looks great in the bottle.

I had a little time at home today between having some work done on my van and doing some gardening work.   I was ostensibly doing some admin work on the computer, so while I was at it I thought I would try out my new colour.   Thing is I can't decide whether I like it or not.

I rather like the idea of these current colours, but I am not sure that this one is quite me, maybe I will give it another try one day when my nails are longer and I am going out somewhere.

After cleaning off my nails it was back to work and being reminded of one of the reasons I love what I do

Not a Thing to Wear

Well the good news is that I have managed to get this far into the week without breaking a finger nail!   This could be one of those rare occasions when all ten nails are of a matching aesthetically pleasing length, they will also be a very nice colour.   Only Friday and Saturday to get through now, I shall probably end up wearing gloves all day.

I also think that I now have got my cold on the retreat.   Yesterday was not as bad as Wednesday, and this morning I don't feel as bad as I have the previous couple of mornings so lets hope for he best.

One thing I have found with playing these concerts that has never been a problem for him, is the issue of what to wear, I have pondered what my concert dress will be and have made up my mind on that, but of course there is still the rehearsal.   I want something casual, but still feminine, if the weather had held I would have worn my white linen trousers, but it looks as though i will be too cool for anything as summery as them.   I could wear skinny jeans again but don't want to wear a sweater with them and most of my tops are a bit short (I like skinny jeans or leggings but only really with tunic length tops) and then there is the problem of shoes, like many girls like me most of my shoes have been bought for their style rather than practicality.   So now I am looking for a comfortable, casual outfit to wear throughout the day with practical comfortable shoes and find that "I have nothing to wear".

I think that this is a problem several of us can find, we buy the clothes that attract us, which of course tend to be the pretty, special, or formal feminine clothes, rather than the practical everyday comfortable and casual.   Looks like I will once again resort to jeans top and ankle boots, I draw the line at trainers!

The pictures are of a couple of previous attempts at casual outfits, while I quite like both, I fear the heels on the boots in the first are to high, and the length of the skirt in the second is too short.   I have a pair of flat heeled knee boots that look really nice, but are just a little too tight to want to wear for long.   I really should get rid of them but am reluctant until I have something else that will take their place.

You need Hands

Next Sunday I will be playing in the LGSO concert, I am sure I have mentioned this before (several times) and I have to say if any of you are at a lose end on Sunday evening it will be a great concert with some stunning music in a fantastic setting, so please come along.   On this occasion though that is not my main point, the thing is I like to look good when I play, this will only be the third time that Paula will have been on the concert platform, so it is still a special experience for me.   I have already worn two of my black dresses which means I only have two more to go (plus trousers, skirts satin tops etc. so I don't think I will run out of things to wear just yet).  

The dress I plan to wear on Sunday is I think the nicest, it is a little longer than the others with an asymmetric hemline long sleeves made from a lovely clingy jersey material with a polo neck and a waist sash belt, this is definitely the most demure of my back dresses, and as my friend B is coming to the concert that may be a good thing.   But again not my point today.

I think my hands are my most naturally feminine feature, so I like to show the off, this means one or two rings and nail polish.   I want my nails to be nice, a nice shape, a nice length and a nice colour.   At the moment they are just about at the optimum length, maybe a millimeter shorter than perfect, but how am I going to get through a full weeks gardening work without damaging any of them?

I have already applied a protective coat of clear lacquer, and managed to get through Monday wearing gloves, all I can do is be careful but it is very hard to do manual work and protect nails.   But then that is really rather the point as the original attraction of long finger nails came from it being a sign of not having to do manual work.   So my main concern is to try and keep my finger nails nice, my secondary concern is a little different, the dress I will be wearing has a high neck, a bit like a turtle neck but with buttons at the back, should I wear a necklace outside the dress or leave it plain?   I will be wearing sparkly earrings, rings and bracelet and maybe a sparkly ankle chain, is that too much already?

The post title? follow the link if you haven't already got it.

Freedy Bassett's

It was nice to get back to some proper gardening today, this morning I pruned a clematis, and cut back the tops of a lot of herbaceous plants, mostly Japanese Anemones, that are now looking very tired, that and reporting a few houseplants, set me up nicely for the afternoon.   The afternoon held more pruning, Holly and Mallow (Lavatera) and some general tidying.   This is the sort of thing I became a gardener to do.   It was a very pleasant change because he previous few work days have been more construction biased.   I must say I have been a little worried about the most ridiculous thing, the other weekend I cut my finger nails, a little too short, now I am not sure that they will be as long as I would like for Sunday night.   I will not wear false nails, but am worried that I will break one while working, then they will look really off!

Yesterday we replaced a shed roof, this ended up being twice the job we expected and we didn't get finished until nearly seven, I just about had time to make a quick change and leg into Croydon with my wife for our session with the counsellor.   This was a good session, we covered some good ground, addressed a couple of my issues and now I am looking forward to continuing improvements.

Monday was mostly spent ferrying my daughter around, I think in all I made four separate journeys to and from her school, first a mid day appointment then pick her up again after school to get changed before taking her back to go on a theater trip, then after my rehearsal another trip to pick her up.

Who'd be a parent?

Homewood bound

In the weeks leading up to my little trip I had allowed my finger nails to grow to a nice elegant length, so was rather disappointed when before arriving at Mum's I had to clean the pink polish off them, somehow for me this is one of my major indications of my femininity, so there is almost a feeling of bereavement when I clean them off.   I think this maybe one of the reasons I often wear clear polish / hardener when I am in drab.   

Anyway it was an uneventful Saturday afternoon and Sunday, and a pretty uneventful Grand Prix after the first lap, still I was pleased that Jenson Button had a good race, it may be a good thing for the Championship that Alonzo had another DNF, but I would have preferred Button to finish ahead of the Red Bulls.   After leaving my Mother's I popped into see my Brother, I had only planned on a quick few minutes to say hi, but ended up staying there a couple of hours.

As soon as I left my Brother's I re-did my nails (this time in dark cherry) and at the first opportunity changed into a dress, I hoped to be back in London in time for some of the comedy event at the Grape and Grain.   It was a long and unpleasant drive, as so often happens the M4 on a Sunday evening is very busy and traffic piles up a bit, especially when I'm in a hurry!

I arrived back at Crystal Palace about ten o'clock ad expected the pub to close at 10:30, but as it was a special night (Comedy and beer festival) they stayed open longer so I had time for a couple of glasses of wine.   As I was leaving I got into conversation with the landlady, a chap who was with her, after a few minutes she left us but he continued to engage me conversation, maybe he was just being friendly but  got the definite impression that he was chatting me up a bit.   Very flattering course, but he was a bit young, a bit small and well, lets remember I am married!   I like to wear jewelry, but the wedding ring is the only bit that is real!

It was a great weekend, and I was very sorry that it had to end, but having said that it was good to be home as well.

Beaten to it again

Over the weekend I watched the latest couple of Doctor Who episode, while I would not classify myself as a fan I do enjoy the show.   What struck me though was Karen Gillan's nails, I'm not usually a fan of  "unnatural" nail colours.   Unnatural is totally the wrong word but I can't think of a better one, I love pink, pearl, red, or some of the more earthy colours, but generally blues and greens don't do it for me.   However like so many of my prejudices I may have to re-evaluate.   Karen had blue nails, perfectly done, and perfectly toning with the rest of her outfit.   I was also going to bring to your attention a horse called Susan but Meg has beaten me to it!

After work yesterday I met my friend B for a quick glass of beer and to pick up my birthday gift.   This was the first time he had met Paula although we have been friends for over 40 years now, on balance he was pretty cool with the whole experience and reasonably complimentary about my presentation.   I did make a point of wearing trousers and my lower heels so as not to stand out too much, I didn't want to give the poor boy a heart attack by turning up in a miniskirt and my highest heels, gently does it, next time I shall maybe bring out one of my longer dresses.   It is his birthday next week so maybe I will threaten to take him out to dinner and see what happens.

Today it is back to normal working with lots and lots of gardening work stored up for the rest of the week, and on Wednesday a much needed trip to the osteopath before my rehearsal.   All in all I'm not sure how I am going to fit in much Paula time over the next couple of weeks, but somehow I usually seem to manage a few hours here and there.

Confused?

From yesterday's post you may gather that I am a bit confused about this whole gender thing.   Please feel free to drop your comments in, what others say does help to clarify what I think, that's one of the reasons why I follow other blogs, especially those like Jamie and Janie whose experiences are so very different to my own.  Part of following is about enjoying other peoples experiences vicariously, part of it is entertainment, part of it is about informing us as to who or what we are, understanding ourselves and the world we live in better.

However I do know that whenever I get the chance I will get into some feminine clothes paint my nails and enjoy some femininity.   Like today, I have just dropped my daughter off at school and my wife at the station as she is on a training day, I will be working from home for most of the day so once I have performed a few chores (like taking some waste to the local dump) I know I will not be able to resist getting changed before sitting back down with the laptop and crunching numbers.

Now the questions I ask myself I will be asking another day, today I will just concentrate on enjoying the moment.   As I will be doing my office work I shall dress appropriately in my M & S trouser suit, very business like.   If I get time I would like to go out this afternoon as well, my friend B called yesterday to say that he had a birthday present for me so I may well go over and introduce him to Paula.

If I manage to get some pictures I will post them later, now time to get to work......

Pink Mist

First let me say that I had a very nice weekend, it is not often that my daughter and I have much in the way of time together, so it was really good just to be with her.   We also managed to have a bit of a much needed chat about the breakup with boyfriend, I think the ball is now in his court, so I hope he does well.   Of course during the car journey both ways she was wired for sound into her phone, and much of the weekend was spent the same way, but she did have time with both her grand mother and her father.   So all in all a good time and a good thing.   Since my daughter was with me I did have to curtain my usual dressing activities this weekend.   I will usually travel pretty, and will often wear predominately fem clothes while in Cardiff, this time I could not, and I didn't miss it.

We often talk about the "Pink Mist" when we have the opportunity to dress, and embrace that opportunity a little too enthusiastically.   I think I may have just been through period when the Pink Mist descended on me, far too much of my time was spent dressing, thinking about or planing dressing.   Yet this is just a small part of what I do and who I am.  over the weekend I was reminded that I could be quite happy without any dressing activities.   I think the pink mist is rising.   I know that this is something I am rather than something I do, I also know that like a tide the imperative comes and goes in intensity.   I was beginning to think that the level of intensity I have been experiencing was going to be permanent, but now I feel that this drive is lessening a bit, maybe just for a while.

Don't get me wrong, I will still be attending my support group on Saturday week, and may well have an evening or day out next week, it's just that there are other things in my life as well, I still doubt if I will be able to resist a cute pair of shoes and I will do my best to keep my finger nails nice (and oh yes my toes nails are red) but I hope that for a while now it will not be the all absorbing obsession it has been at risk of becoming.

An Admirer

Well I got home safely after a whole weekend away from my computer and no Internet access.   I am always a little surprised at how difficult this is, I have become almost addicted to my on line cartoons and blogs, and of course not least keeping Paula's Place up to date.

Saturday started all too early, as it usually does for these trips.   As my wife was out on Friday night, I had painted my finger nails before going to bed, so they were already nice when I left.   As I didn't want to risk my daughter looking out and seeing a strange woman leaving the house with my luggage I didn't put on any makeup jewelry or my wig before leaving the house.   Sat in my van putting on the war paint, adjusting my boobs and all those other necessary little finishing touches I became aware of being watched.   The watcher came over to me and asked for my number, I declined but did take his, at least in part because I didn't know what else to do.   I am a little worried because I do not particularly want to contact him (not really my type and more to the point I suspect that he is only concerned with an, ah hem physical relationship) but I have seen him around locally and my van is currently quite distinctive, so he may be able to place my male me.   Maybe I should call him let him buy me a drink and expain that I am married and unavailable, or maybe I shoudn't.   Not sure.

Other than that my journey was most uneventful.   I have found that when I dress sensibly for a woman of my age, and appropriately for the activity I am engaging in then I am totally accepted, it is only when I am totally outrageous that I court derision.   So basically I was just wearing jeans, my new boots, black sleeveless blouse and denim jacket.   I did some shopping ~ nothing fun just Tesco's and had little chats with some of the assistants, the butcher called my "love", the fishmonger "madam" and the girl on the till "dear".   While I was with my Mother I took off my bling my boobs and my slap, but other wise I was in female garb all weekend, and no one commented either way.   And there's the point why should they!   I'm not doing anything immoral, illegal or that impacts on the life of anyone else so why shouldn't I dress how I like.

A right Pain

I was just looking back and it seems amazing that it is only a week ago that I was worried what to wear when it was so hot!   Now the temperature is well below the seasonal norm and I am contemplating boots and pullovers!   Looking back also reminded me how much I enjoyed my trip up to town, as well as how much my feet hurt.

A day or two after my outing I took a photo (on the left) I think you can still see the pain.   What doesn't show in the photo is how bright the red of the polish was.   I say was because I subsequently cleaned it off, and have now replaced it with a darker red, "Wild Cherry" one of my favourite colours.   Tomorrow evening I plan that my finger nails will match.   I have yet to decide what else I will wear, but judging by today and the weather forecast waterproofs could be the best answer.   Mind you since I have only to walk from the car park into the pub where my support group is meeting I probably don't need to worry too much.

We will be meeting at the same pub as last month, and since our reception there was very friendly I don't think I need worry about being too conservative, however at the same time I would like to not be too outrageous.   While it is nice to be noticed I don't want to be the centre of attention, especially for the wrong reasons!

I don't know what else the weekend will hold for me, I have just been watching "Gardeners World" on the TV, and it always ends with some suggested jobs for the weekend, if the weather allows I have more jobs to do in the garden than could possibly be done in just one weekend, that's on top of cleaning the van and giving an oil change, cleaning and servicing the car, tidying my office etc. etc. etc.   More likely I will just veg out in front of the grand prix and do my best to relax.

Just another day

Well, yesterday was one of those days where nothing really happened, but I see to have been busy all day.   It was nice this morning to get back t some proper gardening.   One of my long standing customers who come under the general heading of "little old ladies".   I hasten to add that I do not treat them  the same as Zero Mostel in "The Producers" treats his little old ladies.   Then a look at a new job and then another of my ladies.   I also had a little excitement as I collected a new hedge trimmer I bought on e-bay - ahhh the exciting life I lead.
This evening we had a band rehearsal, and chatting with friends in the pub afterwards Sue was very keen to show me the results she got with the nail polish I gave her, it is just a shame that there were too many people there for me to reciprocate and show her the nice subtle "metallic" pink on my toes nails.   It did strike me as we were talking that here I was in the idst of my "normal" friends, apparently in drab but in fact every single ite I was wearing was fem. from my Hush Puppies to my denim jacket.   As I say I was osstensibly in Drab, but I felt and, I think, looked fabulous.

Purple's not my colour

Yesterday I was working with my friend S, I told her a few weeks ago that I am a cross dresser, and since then although we haven't really talked about it I am sure that she will have noticed some evidence of the fact in the van (like the big bag of clothes in the back and the pack of make up wipes on the dash).  

Well I had been doing a little experimenting with nail polish and on Thursday I tried a new colour ~ purple, I have seen quite a few girls wearing this sort of colour and like it on them, but somehow it is not my colour, I like reds and pinks, or my current favourite a sort of ever so slightly pink pearl.   Anyway the point is I didn't like the purple on me and S is one of the girls I have often seen wearing a dark purple polish.   So I gave her the bottle saying I know she wears it but that it's not my colour.   Out of this sprang a whole conversation first on nail polish and then to one or two other aspects of my "interest" such as lingerie shopping.   I had touched on my adventures buying pants for my wife in the pub after rehearsal on Wednesday night, now I could tell her the whole story.

Generally I am touched by how understanding and accepting the people I have told have been.   I am hopeful that one day S will want to meet Paula, but I don't think I will push too hard on that, after all I don't want to spoil a "beautiful friendship".

On a negative note I got another parking ticket through the post yesterday, this one fro the shopping centre car park I used last time I had lunch with P, that make three in two weeks ~ to say I am a little P%@#ed off would be an understatement.   At least we managed a full day's work yesterday and had two very satisfied customers.