Almost up to date

My last post I wrote about my travels and my adventures last summer. It really was quite a summer lots sun, a lot of music, a lot of time with friends. Maybe not as much time as I would have liked with family but a high point was the weekend in Amsterdam with my Daughter.

At the beginning of the Summer I went on a short tour with the Croydon Symphonic Band and then towards the end of the summer I had my trip to Amsterdam. Last year for the first time in decades I took out an annual travel insurance. Again for the first time in decades I had a fortnights holiday to come in September. Two weeks in Malta was a bit like a dream coming true.

Valletta, capital of Malta and 2018 European City of Culture

I have a sort of time share there for one week a year, I have carried a week forward for a couple of years so last year we had a whole fortnight. I love Malta, the place, the people, the food, and the architecture. having that extra week meant we could take our time, just chill out in a bar or by the pool as well as making our cultural and tourist trips.

We made some friends there and generally had a great time, we had some wonderful trips including a round the island cruise and a couple to just spend time in Valletta and Medina. With one thing and another we didn't get to Gozo and Xlendi Bay this time, so the plan is to carry forward another week and have a fortnight again in 2020.

Xlendi Bay in Gozo, one of my all time favorite places

A couple of posts back I wrote about my dealings with the GIC (Gender Identity Clinic) it is was only in the last quarter of the year that everything started to go right. Indeed it was while we were on holiday that I got a phone call from Parkside Hospital to tell me they had received a letter of referral from the Clinic ~ 13 weeks after the appointment where I was told I was being referred. It was very refreshing to deal with people with the time and inclination to be helpful. I had my first appointment with them a few weeks later, the second a couple of weeks after that. Indeed exactly ten weeks after that first phone call I was in Parkside hospital preparing to go into theatre for surgery. Just to reiterate that ~ It took Parkside three weeks less to process, explain, examine and operate than it took the GIC to type and send a letter.

It is now only five weeks since that surgery (it will be another six before I go back to work) I feel as though I am making an excellent recovery, I'm still sore but getting better and feeling very happy with the outcome so far. As far as I can see things are just going to get better!

Next time I shall be looking forward!

Proud

For many of us we are now entering the period known as "Pride Month" we have events going on at least every weekend for the next few weeks, between Croydon Pride; Pride London and Trans Pride Brighton I have those three events themselves I also have an LGSO concert next Sunday (which will be absolutely wonderful) a Croydon Pride Mix and Mingle event on Tuesday along with various planning meetings, rehearsals, parties and medical appointments.

The weather looks like it is set to stay warm and sunny but I'm not sure how I'm going to fit in the time to go to work, I really should be at work as I write this, but after a busy weekend I'm having a late start today.

But I digress, what I am feeling proud about is Croydon! I know a lot of people never think about Croydon at all, and then others will simply think of it as Chav Central, but for me Croydon is a vibrant multicultural society, it is largely inclusive, mostly friendly and something is always happening.   On Saturday I attended an all day conference on Gender Identities in Children and Young People it was aimed at professionals working in the field, and was largely a signposting event, but also included good information on what is available for young people, an all too short session on ethics, some performances by Gender Non Conforming local young performers and some short case studies. A lot was packed into a single day, but it was so good.

One thing that struck me was the apparent need for events like this, we had counsellors from as far afield as Scotland because they have nothing like it closer.   Last year Croydon led the UK by flying the Trans flag on TDOV, this year the town has lead again with this conference. A I said at the end of the event, I was born and brought up in Croydon nearly sixty years ago, I am now the Chair of Croydon Pride, and I have never been more proud of Croydon than I was on Saturday!

What Next?

I am in the strange position of having to face up to a few life changing decisions at the moment, in some way these decisions are a reflection of a bigger question, how do I want to live the rest of my live.   What sort of a live do I want to live.   I suppose some of this is the realisation of quite a bog birthday looming later this year, when I was forty I had just become a parent, when I was fifty I decided that it was high time I started to work out exactly what my gender miss match was all about.   Now I am approaching sixty I have questions about my body, my profession and my education.

Amongst other things I revisiting a question I thought I had settled over forty years ago. At that point I could think of no subject I wanted to study for three years, and what I saw of the student life as modeled for me by both my brothers simply did not appeal.   Instead I decided to join the workforce at that point my plan had been to work my way up, getting professional qualifications on the way, and enjoy a nice suburban lifestyle, with a nice suburban wife and family, paid for through my nice suburban job.   In short I was expecting to have a life in a world that was rapidly disappearing.   The jobs I anticipated doing no longer exist, the qualifications I achieved (AIB part 2) are irrelevant and equally extinct.    It took me about 3 years to work out that retail banking was boring, repetitive, and was never going to satisfy me.   The next job was also accounts based (in those days before PCs my dyslexia prevented me doing anything word based)  I enjoyed working for that Company and expected it to be a job for life ~ alas the 80 were the time when such things just disappeared.   The office I worked in is now a restaurant I can't afford to eat in, and the Company no longer manufactures in Britain, and at least has had the decency to drop the tag line "The Great British Radial"

Maybe that should have been the point to look at this but I thought I couldn't afford to take three years out of earning.   Now I am thinking if I don't do it now it will be too late, and I will have missed what could be my last opportunity.   A few years I ago I did Theology course through the C of E and thoroughly enjoyed it, at that time I had planned to continue the studies, but other matters, like earning a living, supporting a family and then transition all got in the way.   Now I am considering the implications of dropping my business and going to university to study for a degree in theology.   This would mean that after leaving I would still have three years before state pension age in which to try and earn a living. ~ There is a lot  to weigh up, not least how would I cope in a learning environment? and would I be able to manage exams?

What I need to find is a source of information and advise, if I were still at school I would be able to go to a member of staff, but a s a potential (very) mature student who can I go to?

Drab? Drag? tired......

Well I am now taking a bit of a pause this morning after what has been a pretty frantic, but deeply satisfying weekend.   As happens all too often I found myself ludicrously over committed, while I would have taken all this in my stride twenty years ago, I just can't manage without my sleep any more.

Saturday night's concert with the lovely Pelly Orchestra was great fun, while I might have felt a little underutilised as much of the program did not include tuba, this gave me a chance to appreciate the playing of the rest of the orchestra and the musical sensitivity and personal charm of Christopher Braime, out conductor.    I love performing, sharing the joy of music, to me playing without an audience is a bit like masturbation, you are only giving yourself any pleasure and that is fleeting, performing involves a relationship with the audience, both the audience and the performer are involved, sharing, giving, this is more like proper love making!   Of course it is also an opportunity to dress up, and you will not be surprised that I took full advantage of this.    I have bought yet another black dress, but this one is longer (mid calf length) and has a very full skirt, this has two advantages, one, it swirls rather pleasantly around my legs and two, I can maintain my modestly while holding the tuba on my lap (can't be done and keep knees together!).

As we were playing in Hampshire it was around one O'Clock in the morning when I got home, which of course with the clocks going forward meant two O'Clock, by the time I got to bed I barely had to time to blink before I had to get up for an eleven O'clock rehearsal for an afternoon concert in Sutton.   In all honesty I was too tired and I struggled to keep my concentration, at one point my fingers forgot which instrument they were playing I started to use EEb fingering on a CC tuba ~ it doesn't work!

A quick change and then up to town for an LGSO rehearsal.   Chris was conducting this rehearsal as well, and he had been teaching in the morning before auditioning soloists for next seasons concerts.   He seemed alert lively in control and in general good form, ~ what it is to be young!

Interestingly over the weekend it was only the Sutton Concert where I was in drab, but it now feels as though I am in "drag" when I'm dressing in boy mode, it is just now so natural to let the girl out.   Sometimes I am excited, confused, and sometimes a bit frightened about where all this is going.

Roll on the promised  counselling.

Yesterday

Once again I shall be away in Cardiff this weekend.   It is always good to see Mother, but just at the moment I could do without being away, I have so much to get on with.

Anyway since I am not around here are a few photos that I took in garden yesterday after I got home from my assessment session.

Result!

This morning's initial session went very well.   I decided that I would go in fem garb, but not overly glam.   I wore a grey sweater skinny jeans knee boots and leather jacket, my make-up was similarly understated.   I decided that this outfit would serve several purposes.

1. I thought it would make it easier for me to talk about this aspect of myself.
2. It would serve as a visual aid to show how serious I am.
3. It would show what sort of a woman I am, not all miniskirts and high heels but a normal middle aged woman dressed appropriately for her age and the situation.

The man I saw was totally cool, even asked how I wished to be addressed so I guess he may have come across these situations before, asked a lot of questions and made a lot of notes.    I will have to wait for a while to find out whether they are going to refer me to the GID clinic, but he is going to refer me for counselling.   In all honesty that is exactly what I want.   I am not sure that I am ready for all that might be involved with a referral to Charring Cross, no I am sure that I am not ready for all that might be involved with a referral to Charring Cross.

The opportunity to talk through all aspects of my situation with a professional is exactly what I need.

Pink Fog

I don't know how widely used this term is, but on a forum I used to frequent we were often warned to watch out for the Pink Fog.   Pink Fog is the mental fog that comes down when wee first start to come out and all we want to do is dress, think and talk "Pink".   The warning comes as this can test the tolerance of those around us more than we really should.   While we may be in a happy pink place the rest have to inhabit the real civilian world.

I suspect that I may have been living in a pink fog for a while.   Every time I had an opportunity I would glam up, full make up, high heels, the works.   I had expected all this to pass after a few weeks, I never thought that I would lose all urge to dress, but I did expect the imperative to subside.   It has not.   Although I have stopped needing to put on the full slap, and all the bits and pieces that go to help create the illusion, I have found that I still want to express my femininity through my dress.

All bar one pair of my jeans are female, as indeed is all my underwear and most of what I wear from day to day.   Less am I dressing up, more I am simply me.   This is by no means to say that I now fully understand who and what I am.   I still have far too many questions to answer I am hoping that the process that will be starting tomorrow will help me to answer some of those questions, or at the very least narrow down and help me to focus on which questions are really important.

So the only remaining question before going to for my Assessment in the morning is, what to wear?   I am sure that what we wear influences how people think about us, in this situation possibly more than most.   At the moment I am thinking smart casual androgynous, but a lot can change in very short time.

Counselling

I am wondering about asking for some form of counselling, or something.   I find my life at the moment a little bit confusing, but a not yet prepared to admit that going full time is the answer.   I understand that the GID clinic at Kings Cross (my most local) has a waiting list f around a year so I am thinking that if I get an appointment then I might have a bit more of an idea what I want by then.

I really can't tell what is me feeding the "habit" what is pink fog reaction after the departure of my wife and what is truly a self identification as female.   Others tell me that I will know, but how? sometimes I do feel like a man, sometimes I do feel like a woman, but mostly I just feel like me and mostly that me likes to wear female clothes.

Although I am feeling a insecurity in my gender, (and indeed I did have an "uncomfortable" dream last night) I have yet to have this one, though I think I would recommend for Animal Print underwear to add confidence.   I think I might also want a counsellor with a little ore insight into my situation, insight, experience and sympathy, but probably best no personal agenda.

Final Session, the boot's on the other foot

Getting away from my current shoe theme; tonight (Tuesday) we have what is scheduled as our final counselling session.   I don't think every thing in our marriage has been resolved, but we are on the way.   This is a good thing, I think it is a shame that we let things get so bad before we acted, and also that we needed some one from outside to show us how bad it was and what we needed to do, it's just that sometimes and outsider is exactly what we do need.

This afternoon we (all three of us) are also going to a family therapy session I may or I may not write more about this later as I want to be fair to my daughter.   I don't know if my trans nature will come up, I know my daughter knows I also know that however much I want to talk about this she does not, at least not yet.   It grieves me that the two people who are most important to me cannot be involved in this important part of my life, no of me.

Whatever happens I am glad to say that our counsellors are much better than Cliff


To try and tie my two themes together I did a google search on "Wedding Shoes" these are some of the pictures I liked

 

Reasons to be Cheerfull

I did say I would come back to some of what happened at our counselling session the other night, well a lot happened that I have been thinking about, but the main two things are that my wife has accepted that this is a part of me, and that she has been continuing to do some research.   A while back Sky produced a documentary "Transvestite Wives" this is now available on line and clearly my wife has watched this.   After watching it initially she said to me that she could never do that, i.e. go out with me dressed, and even helping with choosing clothes etc.   On Tuesday night she said that she was not ready to that, not yet anyway, maybe when our daughter has left home.   Now to me that is pretty positive on two levels.  One that she can envisage a higher level of acceptance, and two that she is planning to stay with me after our daughter leaves home (as will inevitably happen one day), this is a relief as I will admit I was not too sure about her long term plans.

We also agreed that we will talk about this, but she needs to make some decisions, primarily about hw much she wants to know.   This is a strange area as on one hand she feels that what she deosn't know can't hurt her, b ut at the same time the feeling of being lyed to hurts.   I have tended to adopt a don't ask don't tell policy, but was able to reasure my wife that I have tried not to lie, but have not always told the whole truth.   By that I mean I was always where I said I was, with who I said I was with, just not necesarily how I was dressed.   Most of the time she knows I am sure.   Today I am going to the RA to see the Manet exhibition, Paula will be going and I am sure that my wife understands that, but it has not been said.

On Monday night we will be having our first"games" night, this is designed to get us sitting down together playing backgammon and talking over the board.   I am sure it will be fun, it will help us grw back together and maybe the talking will help us both.

Anyway enough of the heavy stuff, back to the LBD, the last offering did not get universal approval, s here is another for your approval.   This is a jersey knit dress with a high neck with three buttons at the back (of the neck) long sleeves and a slightly longer, nicely full asymetric skirt.   Is this better?   By the way I think black shoes would be better with any of the LBDs

Freedy Bassett's

It was nice to get back to some proper gardening today, this morning I pruned a clematis, and cut back the tops of a lot of herbaceous plants, mostly Japanese Anemones, that are now looking very tired, that and reporting a few houseplants, set me up nicely for the afternoon.   The afternoon held more pruning, Holly and Mallow (Lavatera) and some general tidying.   This is the sort of thing I became a gardener to do.   It was a very pleasant change because he previous few work days have been more construction biased.   I must say I have been a little worried about the most ridiculous thing, the other weekend I cut my finger nails, a little too short, now I am not sure that they will be as long as I would like for Sunday night.   I will not wear false nails, but am worried that I will break one while working, then they will look really off!

Yesterday we replaced a shed roof, this ended up being twice the job we expected and we didn't get finished until nearly seven, I just about had time to make a quick change and leg into Croydon with my wife for our session with the counsellor.   This was a good session, we covered some good ground, addressed a couple of my issues and now I am looking forward to continuing improvements.

Monday was mostly spent ferrying my daughter around, I think in all I made four separate journeys to and from her school, first a mid day appointment then pick her up again after school to get changed before taking her back to go on a theater trip, then after my rehearsal another trip to pick her up.

Who'd be a parent?

Communication

I think the root of the problems in or marriage are down to poor, or no, communication.   I remeber things y wife said to me but she denies, and on the other hand there are things she swears blind I was told about that come as a complete surprise, I wonder how much of this is down to "Mala pattern deafness", how much is down to my actual deafness, and how much is down to unfulfilled intentions, as in she meant to tell me but never quite got round to it.

It seems that Sherman has some of the same problems!   Somehow I suspect that Sherman would not be going too counselling, personally I am hoping that a bit of external discipline will sort us out (NO! not like that, go and wash out your mind)

Progress?

Yesterday we had our second proper counseling session I left the first one feeling pretty positive and that we were on a way forward, after last night I'm not so sure.   I left feeling as though I was being made the problem, it seemed like I was being made out the villain of the piece, while I feel like the victim.   I accept that there needs to be give and take, it just feels as though at the moment I'm the one doing all the giving.   I had hoped for some thanks, or at least acknowledgement that my standing down from the Brass Band was a fairly serious sacrifice, but no, it has been barely mentioned, and then with a "shame it will take so long" before I actually stop (only four weeks in fact the shortest notice I felt I could reasonably give).   Maybe that is a reflection that I really am selfish, or maybe we haven't got as far as some of the underlying problems yet.   Either way I will continue the process and hope for a happy outcome.

We have agreed to more time together, without our gadgets, her phone my laptop, I think this will be harder for both of us than allowed for, changing habits is hard, especially if what got you into the habit to start with is not addressed as well.

On a more frivolous note I noticed the picture on the left on another site, and this is exactly the "look" I want for my upcoming concert.   I can't do the hair and will definitely have a lower hemline but this is definitely the fantasy.   The LBD I plan on wearing has a higher neckline and no sleeves so perhaps a little more like the one on the right.  It is however definitely "slinky" and with a few sparklies should look suitably dressy, I will wear sheer black or barely black tights but am still undecided whether to have plain, patterned or seemed.

Mind you I still have two rehearsals before the performance, I may even wear a skirt to one of them.   This is all a bit of a journey of discovery, so far I have found that when playing the trombone lipstick is a waste of time, large earrings can rattle on the side of the instrument, and that it is perfectly possible to play with my knees together.   I suspect that most of the orchestra don't care what I wear, as long as I play well.

No Tea

Last night we had our first real counselling session, the last one was really more of an assessment, we met with the same counsellor we had seen before, which was good since it did mean we didn't have to go over ground already covered.   It was a foul evening and we ended up having a little bit of a rush to get there on time.   We quickly settled into a comfortable room with three arm chairs and started, without a cup of tea!

Sometimes it is good to see yourselves through the eyes of others, it quickly became apparent that our problem is that we are simply not functioning as a couple or indeed as a family.   Other things, other people take too much time and emotional energy so there is not enough of either left over for the marriage.   I have committed to giving up some of my activities in order to spend more time with my wife, I think this is a good thing.   However it will not be easy.

I plan to give up working with the Brass Band, I had originally only committed to a couple of months while they looked for a "proper" conductor, that was over two years ago.   I often find I am the only one who attends every rehearsal, and although it has been musically very challenging I have now decided that other things are more important.   It will be difficult for me telling them that.   I am very bad at saying no, I do not like confrontations, I do not like the feeling that I a letting people down, and I hate rejection, all of these factors make me fear the conversation, and the longer I put it off the worse it will be.   We have a concert on Thursday so I think at that point I will warn a couple of the "senior" members of my decision and then confirm it at Monday night's rehearsal.

Interestingly although it was my cross dressing that drove us to this point, it barely came up as an issue yesterday, much more important was our lack of communication, and physical affection.   These are things I know we can work on, and maybe if we improve on these areas of our life then it will be easier to continue to contain my dressing in a way that does not impinge on our family life, at least not too much.

Although sometimes I do wish my wife and daughter would put down their smart phones and actually talk, the cartoons are simply cartoons that came up from a simple Google search, and that made me smile.

Hairy Pantie Wearer

Jenny makes some very good points here about how some people transition, the time it takes and the care they receive on the way.   I am of the opinion that it should be hard, that way only those who truly need to transition will.   This is a little like my idea that divorce is not too easy (ask anyone who is divorced) but that marriage is not hard enough.   Anyway none of this is the point I wanted to make, it is that little throw away line about "hairy pantie wearer" that struck.

Why? did it strike me as insulting to those of us who have not made a full commitment to this lifestyle? did I find it insulting to my inner woman? was I miffed that this was about the trans hierarchy? no it struck me as the perfect description of what I saw in the mirror the other day.   For much of last year I was keeping my whole body clean of hair, I stopped shaving around the end of November and am by now pretty hairy, because of the season when dressed this doesn't really show (whichever way I am dressed) at the moment, but it will when the weather warms up and I want to wear dresses and skirts more, and tops with a neckline, rather than turtlenecks.   But getting dressed the other day I looked in the mirror and saw a "hairy pantie wearer" I thought to myself "what are you doing?" there was a definite moment of disgust.   If actually analysed much of what I do is ridiculous, but it does give me joy, so I continue.

We will be starting our counselling sessions soon (29th January) maybe this is something I might voice at some point.

A good day II

After getting my hair cut I popped home to sort out a few things before going up to town.   I drove to the station and caught the train, not so long ago this would have, indeed did terrify me, now I take it in my stride and just enjoy the ride.   I arrived with plenty of time so first off I visited a bank and paid in some cheques before having lunch.   I enjoyed a nice pasta dish with a glass of wine and followed it up with a coffee, I was very tempted by some rather lovely sounding desserts, but resisted.   As the RA were expecting this to be a busy exhibition it was timed entry, and my time was 2:00 p.m. so I finished my lunch and made my way back down Piccadilly to Burlington House.

I will admit that I was little disappointed in the exhibition itself, for my taste they relied a little too heavily on etchings and did not make their argument about the development of British Landscape Painting very clearly.   On the other hand there were some very fine paintings on display, and everything was from the RA's own collection.   I have been in the habit of going to exhibitions for a few years now, and have built up a special affection for the RA and this is the first exhibition I have been to where I have felt at all disappointed, so overall I don't think I can complain.

After the exhibition I wandered up Regents Street window shopping, but saw nothing that grabbed my attention so I made my way home and got back with plenty of time before my rehearsal.

Meg has been writing recently about the euphoria of dressing and wondering if she will ever lose that.   I have found that the fear has gone, and with that maybe some of the excitement.   Now I find that I am enjoying a comfortable experience, yes there is a certain euphoria, but not over riding, there is still a joy, but what highlights this even more to me is the down when I get changed back into drab, it always makes me sad, I just want the girl time to continue.

Meanwhile in other news

• I have a support group meeting tomorow night that I want to attend, I have had a couple of e-mails from other members and it sounds like there are quite a few decisions that will have to be made.
• I still can't manage to get photos uploaded onto Blogger.
• I have been asked to play in a concert ~ as Paula ~ first rehearsal on Sunday evening.
• I am wearing trousers, leggings and low or flat heels partly so I don't have to shave for a while, and partly to test whether the attraction is the dress or the femininity ~ i.e. do I still enjoy my femininity when I am expressing it with jeans and a sweater or is it that high heels and a short skirt turm me on?.
• I have made a fresh appointment with Relate for us, I hope that things will continue to improve, but worry that I am over commited to too many things outside the family.

A Short note

Yesterday Stana touched a bit of a raw nerve.   She does the most marvellous pictures with her own annotations, this one appeared on Sunday.

During our first session of counselling, at one point the counsellor asked what sort of clothes I wear, my wife answered straight away "pretty trashy" then qualified it with a "judging by what I have found" now much of what she has found are the rejects, but this idea that I dress like a hooker (the trade, not my old position of the Rugby field) is in her mind, and although I did point out that I will generally wear either a dress just above knee length or mid calf or trousers, I suspect she is set in this idea.

I think she will be more than reluctant to meet Paula in person, so I'm not sure how to change this view, other than to just keep telling her when ever the subject comes up.   I do often wear a higher hemline than she does, but this is simply because being quite a tall girl I find that I prefer a length that is either short or long, those in between just look silly.   I will admit to a couple of mini skirts hiding at the bottom of a suitcase, but do I wear them?   well not when I am going out, and certainly not in nice company, after all I am not a teenage girl!   However my daughter is, and so she does wear skirts that are short, indeed some of them seem to barely qualify for the term skirt as opposed to belt, I reconcile myself to this with the thought that this is what teenage girls wear.   My daughter, unlike me, is quite short and so goes for the much shorter skirt to exaggerate the length of her legs, and on her it does look good, but then she is 15 not 5*

Blue Peter

The enduringly popular BBC children's TV show Blue Peter often has a slot where one of the presenters will make something, or at least appear to, as they are not always particularly adept  there is usually one on hand to show, with the immortal line "here's one I made earlier.   Because of this the term Blue Peter has entered my lexicon simply to mean One I made Earlier.

Well before my home situation blew up I bought myself a long red sweater / tunic, very cozy and snuggly, I had also acquired a nice pair of low heeled black boots.   Even though I have often railed against leggings I thought the top and boots would go well with black leggings, so the other day I tried them as an outfit, I didn't get fully dressed or made up, just tried the outfit, and I think I was right it does seem to work.   Not sure I should go out without all the padding and some warpaint, but I remember feeling very comfortable.

Today (Wednesday) I got a call from the organiser of our support group, she had found a couple of leaflets
that she thought might help our situation (from GIRES and from WOBS ) so I popped over to see her and pick up the leaflets.   When I got home I found earlier today my wife had already visited the WOBS web site, and was thinking of giving them a call.   Of course I can only encourage this, and take it as a positive sign that she is at least prepared to try to understand, I really don't think I can ask for more than that, I can't begin to understand how difficult it must be for her, and for my daughter, I hope that these support organisations cane help where I only flounder.

We have agreed we want to continue with the counselling so this evening I dropped a form off at our local Relate Centre, now we just have to wait and see when they can see us and who gets assigned to our case, I did ask for someone with some experience in trans matters, but of course they may not have anyone who fits this description available.   Mind you if we accept the 1 in 100 statistic then there is a fair chance that at least one of the counselors themselves in trans to some degree.

Freddy Bassett's

Joe makes a very good point, I do wonder whether my cross dressing is the problem, or a symptom of other problems in our lives, in our marriage.   Some of the questions I was asked on Tuesday at our first session made me wonder, "what triggers the urge to dress?" "Why have you not sought help to stop before?" "Are there not other ways you can feel feminine without the clothes?" however I also wonder if they are the right questions at all.

I am very confused at the moment, but I do know that I want to do whatever I can to make our marriage "work" at the moment I have trust that my wife shares this determination, I think there are areas where we both need to change.   I think that there are often times when my status within the family is undermined (I won't go into details) following these occasions I will often find I am dressing, or at least thinking about it more.   It seems strange that maybe I react to having my masculinity undermined by boosting my femininity, or maybe this is just another source of stress...... too many questions not enough answers.

Feeling pretty grotty this morning, and seeing the snow fall I decided on a day at home, I have some data entry work to catch up on so it won't be a wasted day, but started off with a long soak in the bath, while I was soaking there was yet another piece on Woman's Hour about prostitution, one of the interviewees made the unchallenged assertion that no one had the right to make a moral judgement about what other people do, well maybe - to a certain extent.   I don't want anyone making a moral judgement about my clothing choices, but much of our legal infrastructure is based on moral judgements, this is why we have laws against rape, child abuse, violent crimes etc. etc. to a great extent the basis of society is the consensus of moral judgement, it is just that the centre of that judgement changes.   In the 60's much was illegal that is now an accepted part of everyday life, there is still a mutual moral judgement, it is just that our collective view used to be that homosexual acts should not be allowed, now the view has changed so that any discrimination on the basis of sexual preferences is anathema to most of us.   We not only have the right to make a moral judgement, we have an obligation to, it's just that most of us only have an opportunity to act on those judgements once every five years or so.   I do think that we need to address the legal situation of people working in the sex trade (it is not an industry!) and I am glad that BBC is grasping this thorny issue, this is just the sort of thing the BBC is good at and should be encouraged to continue to do.

Just for Juliet, from Chambers (1993 edition) " Minutia mi-nū shi-∂ a minute particular or detail:- usu in pl minutiae (-ĕ) " There I knew it must be in there somewhere