This Girl still Just Wants to Have Fun

Today is the first day of the rest of my life! ~ but then again so is every single day! and to be honest there's nothing particularly special about today. For me it is day when I won't be working as I am taking the day off to get my hair done; something I haven't actually managed for nearly a year now, I opened the door this morning to the post man and realised that as my Mother would have said, I looked like the Wreck of the Hesperus. My hair was all over the place and has now got to the length when I either have to have it cut or join a 70s rock band.

None of this has anything to do with what I sat down to write about though, during my prolonged convalescence I have had little to do except sit round watching bad daytime TV ~ sure I did manage some playing but quite often the day after I did anything I was so washed out the next day would turn into a duvet day. Apart from getting fat, idle and unfit this also led to me drinking far too much ~ maybe not unlinked to the getting fat bit ~ I have realised that once again my relationship with alcohol is getting unhealthy. Rather than cut down I have once again decided to fast from booze for Lent.   For me Lent is very much a time to think about, and work on relationships, primarily my relationship with God, and my relationship with Earthly pleasures. Don't get me wrong! I still plan to have fun, but it's more about who is in control of these relationships, in both cases I fear they may have slipped in the wrong direction.

For some time I have been aware that I have been drinking too much, but thought I was OK, I could handle it ~ after all I wasn't drinking Vodka for breakfast! but it's more complicated than that, I have to ask myself am I really in charge of my relationship with Booze? can I still have fun without a drink? and am I damaging my other relationships through my drinking? By the end of Lent I will be able to answer these questions differently ~ I hope.

Lots of Christians will be giving stuff up for Lent, most Churches have a tradition in one form or another of fasting, and most will also be following Jesus' advise in Matthew 6:16

"When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full.

If one of your Christian friends who normally enjoys a chocolate biscuit, a drink or a slice of cake, please don't push them, they may just be fasting and don't really want to mention it, I will be trying to carry on as normal, just not carrying a pint of IPA.

Spring Harvest time

I feel as though I keep writing about spring springing, and all that that entails. Of course for me the main thing is work really starts to get going again, even though I personally seem to be having a great deal of difficulty getting going.  

Looking at the weather forecast for the next week makes me realise that I may after all be able to wear my shorts and singlets again, as long as I lose enough weight to get into them OK. That of course brings on one of the problems most women are familiar with at this time of year; ~ Yes it's THAT time again.


Of course for some of us it is worse than for others, when I first started my transition shaving was a major commitment, not just my face but my legs, arms and body all needed pretty much daily attention.   These days after just over two years of HRT and even longer trying electrolysis it's not quite so bad.

With electrolysis most of my face is now pretty much clear my neck still has to be finished.   As for the rest the hormones seem to be doing their work and the general growth has slowed down.

I am very pleased to observe that these days my razors are lasting a lot longer. I have bought myself an epilator to see if that works for me, it is way too early to have reached any conclusions on that score, but I do know it hurts ~ the things we go through for our art!

On a totally different note, the more observant of you may have noticed that I have made a couple of changes to my links bar on the left of the screen, I have included a link to Trans Unite an on line facility to find a National or local Trans support or campaigning group.   I do hope that all my Trans readers are getting some support, if you're not please do, as this is far too tough to go through alone.

I have also promoted Croydon Pride up the list we're doing some great work, so pop over take a look at our site and sign up for the News Letter.

Wise?

Before

I sometimes wonder if I am being wise, for the vast majority of my life I have been culturally rather conservative.   I tend to eat European food, I dress (or at least I did dress) in a pretty ordinary slightly conservative manner, suits, smart casual, a bit preppy a little like James May, but with better trousers.

During

Likewise my hair has tended to the ordinary as well, I suppose I just didn't want to stand out, so what has come over me now I am getting older?   When I was in my twenties I was accused of being middle aged, now I am rapidly leaving middle age I have suddenly become adventurous and apparently fashionable as well!

As I left the flat this morning I was thinking that my daughter would hate my outfit, pink top, pink loafer type shoes, denim min skirt and denim jacket.   My daughter hates double denim, but I was twice complimented on the outfit, and was told that double denim is now very much in!

Today I had my hair coloured, I have been blond for a while now, and am quite used to a blond looking back at me from the mirror, but today I went for something a little special, at least in part in honor of Pride month and Sunday's LGSO Concert. 

I think that Courtney from the Rush Senior Academy has done a fabulous job, and also given me one of the best blow dries I have yet had! I just hope I still like it in the morning!

Hair today!

I know that some of my posts have been a bit introverted and even bleak recently, I'm sorry to say that this has been a reflection on my state of mind.   Bad weather, lack of funds, moving home and a few other things have combined to bring me down. I'm quite sure that I could handle any one thing but the combination of all of them was a little too much for me.

Having said all that I have decided to put my trust in God and get on with life. I have had a some good, fun gigs and a few nice days to get on with some proper gardening, suddenly everything seems a lot better.   I have also done what lots of girls do when they get down, I've had my hair done!

I have been wondering what to do with my hair for a while, it was getting a bit shaggy and strangely ~ shaggely? Something had to be done, but I couldn't decide what, so yesterday I went to the hairdressers with a couple of ideas, but looking for solutions.  One of my ideas was to have a Bob, it seems easy to maintain, feminine, and I thought it might just suit me. And, a Bob is what we went for.

I like it! I like the way it looks, I like the way it makes me feel, I like the way it feels (I can feel my hair bouncing as I move) and I have had a couple of nice comments. best of all it only cost me £15 as I used a Rush Academy! OK it did take all morning, but it was a fun experience and I do like the results; so did the trainer, he tweeted the back of my head on the Rush twitter account!

Hair Brained

Yesterday was a funny old day, if that sounds like the beginning of a very poor stand up routine, it still may be.   I should have started with an electrolysis appointment but had to postpone that till the afternoon as I had an emergency fence repair to get started, just as I was starting to dig a post hole (a ppst hole that ended up looking more like a well!) I got a phone call summoning me to a business meeting between a recycling company and a local authority officer.    So I had to finish the first stage of the fence repair (putting in new posts) then dash home get changed into a respectable looking businessman man, to attend the meeting before getting changed back into myself again before going for my electrolysis.

In the evening I had a jazz band rehearsal with four friends.   Throughout the day I met ten people who I knew pretty well, only two commented, or I suspect noticed that my hair has changed colour, yet the lady in SUperdrug who I saw last week noticed straight away and congratulated me on the look! (and yes the two who noticed are women)

Taken on my return home, around 1:00 a.m.

The poll is now closed! I am slightly surprised by the popularity of the red dress, not only is it a 10 to 1 winner on the poll but also all the facebook comments and messages have been in favour of red.   I had selected these three partly because of the colours, but mostly because I like how they each make me feel., I was intrigued by one comment that the green dress was "too old ladyish", I thought it was elegant and classy, but then maybe I am a bit of an old lady.

When I first wrote this I was getting ready to go out, I have now returned after a very enjoyable evening with my TransPALS ~ more later ~ maybe.

Advent Calendar 2

Subtitled, Hair Today

I am not currently considering a perm, a couple of times I have had a soft perm and rather liked the outcome, I didn't like the cost, or the smell at the moment I just add a little bit of volume into my hair with a hot air brush.   I am no stylist but I manage not too bad a job.

Natural Highlights

What I am considering for Christmas is colouring my hair, but I will need help and advice, the first bit being advice.  Back in the day when I used to wear a wig, the one I found to be most visually satisfactory was a blond one, I did like the look, felt that the colour suited me and I also felt as though it made me look younger. Whilst I accept that the later is not always a good thing, it can help.

Blondie

The other thing is that I have never done anything like this before.   My daughter has been learning about coloring her hair since she was about 14 and so is now something of an expert, like so many other things I am learning in my 50s what other girls learnt in their teens.   I don't know whether I will need to bleach first, will just a simple die do the job? how much product to use? So if I do go ahead and go blond I will need help with both choosing the colour and applying it.

Please do let me know what you think, this is a genuine plea for help.

Holiday ~ Looking Forward 4

Well it's getting closer only a couple of weeks now and I'll be flying away to warmer climes.   Unfortunately it will only be for a week, but it is only now that it is really beginning to dawn on me that this will be the longest continous time I will have spent "en femme".   I have had a couple of weekends, and indeed on my last trip to France I spent a few days but this will be something of a test as I will be spending at least seven complete days and nights as the women I believe I am.

Regardless of any trepidation or excitement I may be feeling about this, it does mean a bit more planing is required than any previous weeks away.   Not only does my packing list look very different to previous years, my preparation will have to be a little different.   Like any other girl I want to look my best while I am away, in my case of course this doesn't just mean planning my outfits and getting my makeup right, it also means sorting out hair removal, trying maintain my nails and thinking about my hair.

Having worn my new swimming costume the other night, I now feel quite secure about it's security, but I did realise that I was displaying parts of my body that are not normally on display, and that I can't reach with a razor!   Dealing with this will involve spending money, planning, and pain!   I'm not very good with pain, but I am finding that as long as I know the outcome is worthwhile then I can just about bear it, what makes it worse is paying somebody else to inflict the pain.   I know a lot of ladies have their legs waxed, so far I have only got as far as eyebrows, and that hurt, so I am simply not prepared for how my back will feel!

I am also considering trying a chemical option to shaving for my chest, but am reluctant in case I have a reaction and then feel even more nervous about donning my swimming costume. Decisions, decisions.

Evolution

Joe asked why I was surprised by this photo, well I suppose the first reason is to find that it was taken so long ago.   Although  I have not looked at it for a while the day is so fresh in my memory that it seems as though it could have been this summer.   It was a bit of a breakthrough day for Paula I went up to town to the V & A to an exhibition and met an on-line friend for tea.   Not that incredible but it was my first time on public transport and the first time that I met and seriously interacted with anybody socially as Paula.

This friend is of a quite philosophical turn of mind, but still with a well developed sense of humour, unfortunately I knew them through the forum that I felt obliged to leave so have lost touch.   But the lessons of that day have stayed with me, that most people don't care who I am or how I am dressed, and even more won't notice (I know that it is difficult to have more than most but I see these two groups overlapping).    Almost everybody at an exhibition, concert or play are more interested in the exhibition, concert or play than they are in the other people there.   In a major urban multicultural environment there are worse things to worry about than a cross dresser.   In short that it is perfectly safe to go out as long as I follow the rules that any sensible woman would follow.

The other surprise is for a photo that seems so recent I was surprised how "my look" has progressed.   I am so much happier now I have decided to abandon wigs.   I know I am lucky to have enough hair and the social and work freedom to let it grow, but I can see a certain self consciousness in photos from then, some of which I am sure comes from a certain insecurity that comes from the wig.   I no longer have the grey one from that photo (or an horrendous brown curly one, that was so bad I will never share any photos of me wearing that!) but I do still have my blond one and  think there is a brown one knocking around at the back of the cupboard somewhere.   There is much about Paula that is false so I like to hang on to the real bits that I can.

My wedding ring, is real, pretty much all my other jewellery is cheap costume stuff, I use padding to help my figure, make up to help my face, at least now I can have my own hair!

Hair Brained

After my haircut I wanted to get my eyebrows threaded, it's not that I enjoy pain I just think they look so much better tidied up and I am lousy at plucking them myself .   I had originally planed to drive straight into Croydon, but on reflection I decided to go home grab a coffee and then go into Croydon by Bus.   I have been reluctant to use the bus as the stop is right outside my house, and I know I will be very visible to my neighbours while waiting.   But having come to the conclusion that they must all either know or not care by now I plucked up the courage and used the bus.

When I got on the bus I noticed one of the youth from our Church, not one of the most pleasant or discrete young men I know, I avoided making eye contact and sat down I front with my back to him.   A little later in the journey an older woman sat next to me and engaged me in conversation, I was quite grateful as I was in conversation with her when the young man in question got off.   I don't know if he recognised he but it would have been difficult not to, more to the pint I don't know who if anyone he has said what to.   I suppose I will just have too wait and see.

Arriving in Croydon I had to walk over to the Building Society first to draw some cash, then down to House of Fraser just in time for the Girl on the Shavata counter to be going to lunch.   I arranged to go back after her lunch, and wandered off around the shops.    I have to admit that I'm not very good at window shopping, that's probably why I ended up spending too much money on things I didn't really need, just liked.   One day I will develop some self restraint, but this certainly wasn't the day.   Getting back to Shavata after a little wait I did get my eyebrows done.   A bit more expensive than the other times I have had them done, but I am a lot happier with the outcome, better shape, more balanced and a little less rawness.

One of my purchases was a new ring from M & S, it is just a cheap bit of dress jewellery, but I like it, it is definitely "my style", I like the sparkle, and the twist.   Having had a couple of rings that I like quickly lose their plating and turn a bit brassy I have given this one a coat of clear nail polish, a tip I picked up from my new friends in Kings Cross.

Fatasies

In passing the other day I mentioned that I toyed with some fantasies about what I might do if I were not constrained by the sensitivities of my family.   Well I suppose that this is a little like the bucket list that Stana recently put together.

• Get my ears pierced ~ not sure that I am "man enough" for this I don't like pain and I am very squeamish about piercings, contact lens and all sorts of silly things like that.
• Dye my hair, I have felt totally liberated since I abandoned the wig, and started just wearing my own hair. I am aware that this might be a potential area of dispute in the family but in male mode I prefer my hair longer rather than shorter, so it is not that big a step.  The perm was definitely pushing at the envelope of acceptability, and may not be repeated, but my fantasy was to have it dyed.   The one thing I really, really like about my wig is the colour.   I was surprised because I thought my natural, original hair colour would suit me better but blond works, perhaps because it is about the same shade as the grey I have now naturally reached.
• Have somewhere to hang all Paula's clothes safely, it is a source of frustration that most of my female wardrobe is stored in suitcases in the garage. This means I have to plan so much in advance, make sure that all the bits of the outfit are properly assembled, and in the right place.   I can't go through my wardrobe trying different shoes with a dress, or different tops with a skirt, because they will be in different places.   I have to keep a mental note of what is where and make sure I have everything I need with me. ~ On Sunday as I got myself dressed I suddenly realised that I only had one breast with me where I was getting changed! having returned to the van and found the missing item, and having survived the experience I can now see the funny side, but at the time I can assure you I was not laughing!
• Getting dressed at home ~ one of our new ground rules is that I do not dress at home, so this one is right out, but it would make life so much easier, and safer if I could get ready at home and then go out, I don't want to push my luck but I am hoping that I may be allowed to come in after the others are in bed to get changed, somehow it seems even worse late at night. 

So nothing particularly drastic in the greater scheme of things but things that would have made my life a little easier and more pleasant, on the other I think that the things that we have agreed on are going to be of much more benefit so I am not sorry, and I willingly choose not to have these things that I would like in favour of prolonging our marriage, and who knows, maybe I can negotiate for some of these later.

Weeds, hair and bones

I have been just a little surprised how little reaction my hair has had since Wednesday, I have actually only had two comments one from my daughter who asked if I had had something done, and one from my wife who said it made me look like my Mother.   I have been too a band rehearsal, met a few friends and been about my normal work and no one else has said a thing, I must admit I did expect some reaction.

Later today I shall be up in town for the last rehearsal before next week's LGSO concert. I am really looking forward to the concert, but do not feel anywhere near ready for it, somehow I do need to fit in some tie to do some practise.   This is a constant problem for nearly all amateur musicians, especially those of us who play rather anti social instruments.   It seems that when I have the time someone else will be trying too sleep or watch the TV and wants a bit of quite.   This week it may be particularly challenging as at the moment I have scheduled nine and half to ten days work for the business but I only have nine days available.   With a meeting on Tuesday evening, and a band rehearsal on Wednesday even the evenings are looking pretty full.   This may be a case of just how much do I want to do it?

In amongst all my regular maintenance work I have been working on a little landscaping project that I plan t have completed this week, I reckon that I probably need a couple of days to have it all finished, I have a circle of paving to lay, the concrete edging to fix and then gravel to put down over the rest. the last photo shows the area for the gravel and paving covered with landscaping fabric, the idea is that this is meant to stop weeds rowing up through it, in practise I find that weeds will often germinate in the gravel and then put roots down into the soil through the fabric from above.   Still it does help and it keeps the soil separated from the gravel which helps keep things a bit tidier.

Perminent?

Well I've had quite a day one way and another, I managed to squeeze a couple of firsts in as well.   As I said earlier I had been looking forward to having my hair done, partly because it was getting a bit shaggy, partly because this has now become a Paula activity, partly because it means a little time off and partly because for the first time ever I was going to have a perm.   Not a tight curly perm just a nice relaxed one that will give a bit of bounce and body to my hair, at least that was the plan.

When I wanted to get ready to leave I found that both my wife and daughter were staying at home for the day, this rather disrupted my plans, but not too much, it just meant that I would have to slip on my dress and makeup on the way, not ideal but I am used to this.   As it looked like being a nice day I wore one of my cotton summer dresses, a very nice pastel green one that because of the lousy weather  I've not worn for over a year, it was nice to get it out and remember why I like it so much.

It took quite a while to do my hair, all those rollers and the smelly stuff “cooking away” under a shower cap, I was just relieved that I didn't have to sit underneath one of those hood dryers!   As is the way with hair dressers we chatted away about this and that, and of course the weather, as I was leaving she mentioned that the sun had now come out, and complimented me on my dress, I said something like yes it’s nice to have a chance to wear it and enjoy the sun, and she said “Yes sometimes it’s good to be a woman isn't it” I could only smile stupidly and agree.

After that I had a couple of chores to run, including a visit to my Building Society, this is where I have my current account, and I went in to ask if I could have an additional card in another name.   Obviously I want one in Paula’s name, I saw one of the staff I often see who always makes a point of checking my nails and how I’m dressed and will always find a compliment.   Although she always has a smile for me she has obviously not checked my card too carefully before, as when I asked about having another she said that wasn't possible, but went on to say that they should change the name on the card anyway as it was clearly wrong.   I had to explain that I still use both names, I think this was the first time she realised that I am not full time, or transitioning.   A bit stunned she said something along the lines of “But you always look so nice, your hair and nails, and always a lovey dress” Although disappointed about the card this did rather make up for it!

Just a quicky

As I have said all too often life is busy, but I just wanted to say that tomorrow I will have a little Paula time as I have my hair done.   This is an appointment I made a month ago, otherwise I would probably just be working again, but I could really do with a bit of a relax, and a little time with Paula, so I'm glad I made the appointment.

We need something to look forward to, and I am looking forward to having my hair done, I just wonder if I was wise to agree to having it permed?

Hair piece

This morning my first appointment was with my hair dresser, I like the way she cuts and styles my hair, in boy mode I think a longer style actually suits me better than the current normal short hair, in girl mode I am just so much more comfortable not wearing a wig.   On the other hand the wig does allow me to be blond and I don't think I would get away with dyeing my hair just yet.   One disappointments for me is that after it has been styled my hair looks so nice, but after a day or so it loses the styling from the blow dry and I can never quite manage to reproduce the full effect.

To try to solve this problem I have book longer for my next visit so I can have a perm!   Not a curly Kevin Keegan style perm just a soft perm to hold the style.   This will be pushing the boundaries of what may or may not be acceptable, I will have to see, and if I get away with the perm then the next thing is to have my ears pierced!   The other day my wife took our daughter to have a piercing on her nose, knowing that I disapprove they went ahead anyway, I did say that if she had her nose pierced then I would get my ears done, but I'm not sure that they believed me.

Now I need to go and do some work so will have to get changed clean of the slap and take off my nail polish.   I am always reluctant to clean off my nails, it makes me quite sad, each time it feels like I am abandoning Paula and hiding her away again, still she will be out again at the weekend as I will be going to my support group, for the first time this year!   I have had a chance to try a few outfits and as long as it's not too cold then I will be wearing the dress in this photo, maybe with a cardigan.   I shall try to remember to take a camera and see if one of the other girls will take some pictures for me.

Now back to work, later the osteopath and then a rehearsal.

Simple Pleasures

The other day Joey commented that "The thought of having to go to the hairdressers and the osteopath would be like torture to me!" this made me muse as to just what the attraction is, because I know I do enjoy both of these experiences.   Certainly part of it is the outcome, My hair looks better after I have had it cut and styled, and my whole body feels much better after a good pummelling.   Indeed past experience tells me that if I don't visit the osteopath regularly eventually my back will give out and I will need to take time off work until the pain subsides and I can move again.   So utility is part of it.   But only part.

I now that I like being the centre of attention, and in both of these situations I am the centre of somebodies attention, the hairdresser is totally and solely concerned with my hair, the osteopath with my body, not only that but in both situations I am being pampered, they are quite sensual experiences.   There are other things I do, like having my eyebrows threaded where the experience itself is not pleasant, but I am still the centre of attention and there is a positive outcome, but the overall experience is not a pleasurable one.   So it would seem that for me the combination of the sensual experience, being the centre of attention and of course the outcome.   having said all that believe me, if your legs felt like mine do at the moment you too would be looking forward to a massage.

A couple of days ago our daughter had her nose pierced, against my wishes, but then I'm getting used to that, I am quite sure that it was not a pleasurable experience, I am now considering having my ears pierced, I would not anticipate it being any fun, but it would allow me a much wider choice of earrings, however I do wonder if that might be a step too far, how would my family and friends react, or perhaps more to the point how would my wife react? I'm quite sure that the argument that she didn't worry about what I thought when she took our daughter to have her nose pierced so why should I worry about how they react if I have my ears done will not hold water

Hair today

A subject close to the heart of many girls like me is hair removal, Meg has just been discussing this issue and now I find that Daily Makeover are considering it as well.   Personally I have generally relied on shaving, it is quick easy (mostly) painless and effective.   I have tried creams and found them to be smelly, and not as effective.   I have also tried self waxing, painful and not as effective.

I do rather like the idea of having a professional full body wax, I think that having it done professionally should give a better longer lasting result without the inconvenience, just a cost.   Maybe if one day I have an occasion that requires a nice smooth image I may succumb to temptation, but probably not.

One form of hair removal which both of these authorities seem to have overlooked is threading.   It is a while since I have had my eyebrows threaded, and it shows.   There are some who can carry off heavy eyebrows, but I need to claim every bit femininity I can get.   Threading is in effect a form of plucking, but over quicker, it is not pain free, but the results are worth it, and as I say it is over quickly.

Hair do

Today (Wednesday) I had my hair "done" I was going to say cut but somehow that seems like an inadequate expression for what Nicky did.   This is the third time I have been to her and each time she takes a little off here and there, evens out the layers, and somehow it seems to get fuller, my hair is now about the length I want and a style that works whichever way I am presenting.   I am so happy not to have to wear a wig anymore, it is so much more comfortable, and I am not forever worrying that it is slipping, or that some of my own grey hair is showing underneath, it has indeed been quite liberating, I am just grateful that I still have enough of my own hair to have a choice!

Anyway, we had quite a chat until it was time for the blow dry, the noise rather stops conversation, bu this is when the real magic happens, somehow she transforms my whole appearance, my hair just seems so much "bigger" and shows some real style.

I have so far made a point of only going as Paula, although I was in drab when I booked my first appointment, to me it does not seem quite fair, or indeed polite to chop and change, let them know one person, not confuse the issue with multiples.   The first time Nicky cut my hair I wore and M & S Grey woollen trouser suit, last time my mauve skater dress with black opaque tights, today I wore a Next grey wool dress, and jacket with sheer tights and black heels, as I was leaving Nicky commented, that I always looked very nice.   I floated away!

Only trouble, I left my phone there, by the time I realised they had shut so I have to go back in the morning, before going up to tow with my daughter for a catwalk show at London Fashion Weekend, I fear I may have to turn up as "Him" to claim my phone.

A good day II

After getting my hair cut I popped home to sort out a few things before going up to town.   I drove to the station and caught the train, not so long ago this would have, indeed did terrify me, now I take it in my stride and just enjoy the ride.   I arrived with plenty of time so first off I visited a bank and paid in some cheques before having lunch.   I enjoyed a nice pasta dish with a glass of wine and followed it up with a coffee, I was very tempted by some rather lovely sounding desserts, but resisted.   As the RA were expecting this to be a busy exhibition it was timed entry, and my time was 2:00 p.m. so I finished my lunch and made my way back down Piccadilly to Burlington House.

I will admit that I was little disappointed in the exhibition itself, for my taste they relied a little too heavily on etchings and did not make their argument about the development of British Landscape Painting very clearly.   On the other hand there were some very fine paintings on display, and everything was from the RA's own collection.   I have been in the habit of going to exhibitions for a few years now, and have built up a special affection for the RA and this is the first exhibition I have been to where I have felt at all disappointed, so overall I don't think I can complain.

After the exhibition I wandered up Regents Street window shopping, but saw nothing that grabbed my attention so I made my way home and got back with plenty of time before my rehearsal.

Meg has been writing recently about the euphoria of dressing and wondering if she will ever lose that.   I have found that the fear has gone, and with that maybe some of the excitement.   Now I find that I am enjoying a comfortable experience, yes there is a certain euphoria, but not over riding, there is still a joy, but what highlights this even more to me is the down when I get changed back into drab, it always makes me sad, I just want the girl time to continue.

Meanwhile in other news

• I have a support group meeting tomorow night that I want to attend, I have had a couple of e-mails from other members and it sounds like there are quite a few decisions that will have to be made.
• I still can't manage to get photos uploaded onto Blogger.
• I have been asked to play in a concert ~ as Paula ~ first rehearsal on Sunday evening.
• I am wearing trousers, leggings and low or flat heels partly so I don't have to shave for a while, and partly to test whether the attraction is the dress or the femininity ~ i.e. do I still enjoy my femininity when I am expressing it with jeans and a sweater or is it that high heels and a short skirt turm me on?.
• I have made a fresh appointment with Relate for us, I hope that things will continue to improve, but worry that I am over commited to too many things outside the family.

A Good Day pt I

Yesterday (Wednesday) was a good day, the visit to my hairdresser was very nice, I like what she has done with my hair it gives me the confidence to go out without wearing a wig, I don't know how long I will be able to  keep doing this as my hairline continues to travel in reverse, so I want to make the most of it while I can.   We also began to get to know each other a little better, finding that we both have teenage daughters and are both musicians.   I also found out that they have at least one other customer like me, presumably a local but not a member of our little group in Croydon.   This reassures me in my assertion that there are a lot more of us around than most people seem to think, I am probably more unusual in I playing the Tuba or that I used to be a front row forward than for being a cross dresser, but I suspect I know which would get more attention in the Pub.

I am often surprised by how readily I am accepted, certainly while I am paying people for their services it is in their interests to accept our money, but I have found the vast majority of people I have come into contact with accepting and understanding, and many sympathetic.   Of course it is rarely commented on, after all we are English and that would not be polite.

Anyway I liked the haircut and had the confidence to go out without a wig, as far as I am concerned this is a big plus on comfort while a relatively small diminishing in any anonymity that a wig may give me.   I suspect I am quite recognisable to anyone who knows me and looks either way.   I had time to pop home and repair my rather poorly done nails before setting off to get the train up to town.

A busy day ahead

Looking back at what I planned, or maybe aspired to, this year I have got off to something of a running start.   I have not had a proper Paula day since my wife put her foot down.   We have cleared the air a lot since then, she has given a little leeway and I have restricted my "activities".   So tomorrow I will be having quite a busy day, I will be starting out having a hair cut, it has got quite long and a bit "shaggy" but I am now of the opinion that I can get away without a wig.   I find this a lot more comfortable, after all it is much more natural, nearly all the time I am wearing a wig I am self conscious as to how it is sitting, is any of my own hair showing etc. etc. Anyway I will be going back to Nicola, if she carries on as she started I am sure I will be happy and that it will be money well spent.

Anyway I start with a haircut, the hairdresser has only Paula and that will continue, after that I will be going up to town to the landscape exhibition at the Royal Academy.   It feels like quite a while since I went to an exhibition so I am looking forward to this, it is also a nice chance to spend some time out, look at some of the West End shops and have a nice lunch.   After that I will be dashing back for a visit to the osteopath.

I have still to make the decision about what I will be wearing, I have more or less narrowed my choices down to my nice M & S Trouser suit, a grey panel dress or a slightly shorter mauve panel dress. The final decision will be down to what accessories I can wear, at the moment I limited to trousers or opaque tights.   One of the "activities" I have had to curb is shaving, at this time of the year that should not have too big an impact as long as I wear high necks and trousers or thick tights, it will seem a bit strange stripping off for the Osteopath and being hairy again.   I am sure he is far to nice and polite to comment but I am sure it will not go unnoticed, I have decided however that at the moment I have more than enough to worry about and will therefore choose not to worry about this.   Then at the end of the day I have a band rehearsal, the first since Christmas and it coincides with S's birthday.  

All in all I am packing a lot into a single day, but I feel I am better just taking the one day off work and filling it rather than falling into the trap of tacking several bits, and then finding I have missed a lot more productive hours.   With all that going on I doubt I will have much of a chance to post tomorrow.

Progress with the computer ~ limited I may have lost so much data and what I can access is a newer version of Office arghhh it's just all such a pain!