Still Lingering

I have had a bit of an hiatus in service here, and between my last two posts I see that there was an eight day break. Interestingly I do still get visitors to the blog even when I don't have any nice up to date posts, indeed that is when I get some of my older posts being inspected.   Blogger gives me a bit of a breakdown and over that week my most popular post was one from quite a while back, all the way back to July 2013.    I think it must be something to do with the title of that particular post and the Google searches that some people do. That particular post can be seen here! I'm not sure that it was my finest moment, but who am I to judge!

Co-incidentally this last week or so my favorite cartoonist has been running a series on my favorite strip.   He has had my favorite character working on what would be my favorite job (in my dreams).

However this did make me think, what actually is the difference between lingerie and underwear;- I have some pants that are simply pants, but if I wear them with a matching bra they magically transform into lingerie, so is it the material? the intent? or maybe the marketing?

Certainly some brands have more allure than others, just the names Janet Reager, Agent Provocateur or Figleaves just sound so much more alluring than Marks & Spencer or Matalan. I suspect that this is definitely a case of less is more, i.e. the more you pay the less you get!

I certainly know that most women I know prefer bras that are not underwired, I am now beginning to understand why, yet whenever I go into lingerie departments the vast majority of bras are underwired, so they are not being made primarily for the comfort of the woman.   I suspect that this is a subject I will be revisiting, certainly my perspective on the such things has changed over the last few years, yet I am still very much of the opinion that life is too short for ugly underwear!

My Favorite Cartoonist Brooke McEldowney
My Favorite Strip 9 Chickweed Lane

And the title is a reference to my post of the 18th November 2012, ironically the dress I was lusting over so much at that time I would now have several opportunities to wear, but it is no longer available ~ heyho!

Resistance is futile

I notice that a lot of my recent posts have not had a lot trans content, indeed at least a couple have been replicated on my other (non trans tuba player) blog.   This is partly down to the simple fact that I am much more than a cross dresser, this is not the sole defining feature of what makes me, me.   I say in my profile that there are many aspects  to my life, cross dressing is just one of them.   It happens to be one that, because of my social circumstances, it is difficult for me to talk about with other people so it is often the central aspect of this blog.

I have been busy recently with all sorts of things, cooking an Alpha supper for 30 people, arranging and conducting music for a Christmas performance, playing at St Paul's with the other Christmas Tubas, as well as work.   There is a bit of me that always hopes that this sort of level of activity will distract me from trans thoughts, it never works.   I find that I am wanting to at least under-dress more than for some time, I suspect that this is because of my lack of opportunity or willingness to fully dress, because of my marital situation.   I can't see that I will have any opportunities to dress fully for the remainder of this year but I am feeling the urge to very strongly.   I want to talk to my wife about this, but am unsure of doing so until we have had at least one more session of counselling, and we are still waiting for an appointment.

In the mean time I will be looking forward to the 9th January ~ a day I have set aside for girly activity ~ and resisting the urge to shave beyond my face.   That in itself is a whole separate post, the whole thing about the attitude to body hair is very complex, somehow I need to train myself o all in love with my hairy chest.   It s strange that as a boy I couldn't wait for the hair to grow, now at times the sight repels me.   Oh for a simple life, in the mean time, another Christmas Tree

Resolution

I think I have just had resolution on a situation that was troubling me.  


A old photo but one of my favorites

One of the joys of being left alone this week is that I could get dressed at home, then go out.   On Tuesday morning I had a quick shower and shave sorted out my makeup and jewelry and then I dressed in my white summer dress, all be 10:00 a.m. normally I can't do any of this because of the family being around.   So, I had parked the van in front of the house since although it is a main road I thought I was less likely to see any of the neighbours than in the cul-de-sac behind.

So much for planing, just after I had left the house and had started walking the eighty meters or so to the van one of my neighbours came past, walking in the same direction.   I know she saw, I am pretty sure that she saw which house I came out of, and I am certain that she recognised me.   As S assured me last night I am recognisable.   I have been worried about how to play this.

Well they had asked me to do a bit of work in their garden so after work today I popped round ostensibly to see about making a date to do the job, nothing was said about my unconventional clothing choice on Tuesday, so I will assume that everything is cool.   I am sure she knows but will adopt a don't ask don't tell policy.   Like Meg I will not tell lies, but I don't think I will volunteer the truth this time unless asked.

This is proving quite a week, tonight I am having dinner with my friend B I will be going as him, but will be under-dressed.   There is a strong chance that I shall drink too much to drive home so I am anticipating staying over night, as well as some PJs and tomorrow's work clothes I will be taking an extra change of clothes just in case he is curious.   I know he is pretty cool with the idea and know that he wants to talk about my dressing, but don't know just how accepting he will be, whatever it will be an interesting evening.

Fasting, opportunities and somethig new to worry about

Firstly may I thank you all for you best wishes for my daughter, I do very much appreciate them.   For obvious reason I can't tell my daughter about them specifically but have been able to say that a lot of people have been praying and have sent their best wishes.   I firmly believe that this helps.   Physically she appears to be in perfect health again, however we are pushing for further investigations and some "talking therapy".   The more we think about her the more certain we are in our own minds that these episodes are panic attacks, but I still want professional reassurance, and some treatment for her.   I had a full day's work lined for both myself and S so I had to be out all day, but my wife has her half day on Tuesdays so could spend most of the day with at home with our daughter.   Tomorrow she will be with friends, and I think it will be good for her to get back into her social swing and activity.   Our Church is having on-going events around the Olympics and she is scheduled to be helping with some of them for the rest of the week.

I have just completed at least my eleventh consecutive day dressed solely in male clothes (I have to exclude jeans from this as I only have female jeans).   This was not some form of challenge or any other sort of exercise, it has just happened that way.   Sometimes our priorities are elsewhere or circumstances coincide so that opportunities do not come up.   Of course there have been decisions involved, I could have underdressed on a number of occasions but have chosen not too.   At the start of the paragraph I said "at least" this is because I cannot precisely date the last occasion I wore an item of female attire.

I can say that tomorrow I will have some time spare, I will be dressing to at least some extent for at least part of the day, and as I will be visiting my osteopath I suspect he would now be disappointed if I turned up in boring drab grey shreddies!   To match my toe nails I have selected a nice pink flowery pair of panties with lace around the legs and waist, I also plan that my entire ensemble will be fem, but not ostentatiously so certainly no makeup wig or boobs, what I actually wear will depend on the weather.   Then on Thursday I have the entire day to myself, no work commitments and no family around, I can do what I like where I like dressed how I like ~ until 7:00 in the evening when I have to see my Doctor. we changed practise a while back and they will not renew my prescription fr an "epipen" without seeing me.   Apparently they have nothing on my file about it, which is rather worrying.

The Big Beasts

Yesterday was another hot day, I had a lot of non work stuff to do so I mostly got on with that, by mid afternoon I was too hot, very dirty and feeling very, very weary, muscles and joints ached and I was covered with sweat and grime sticking to the sweat.  This was every bit as unpleasant as it sounds.   At around five O'clock I stopped, showered, shaved, refreshed my toe nails and got changed.   This was because this was my day to visit the osteopath.   For my visit today I wore some nice white panties with black spots and lace around the legs, a blue strappy camisole with white linen trousers and a white linen tunic shirt with white canvas shoes.   Everything I wore today was fem, but without those certain extras that mean a full fem presentation.   I did try to take some pictures on my phone but they didn't really work, and there was no one around who would have been suitable to ask for help.

Some old friends

I'm not entirely sure why I dress up for these visits, especially since I end up undressing as soon as I get there. What I do know is that he is as good as gold with it never even mentioning my idiosyncratic clothing choices.   I was very much in need of his ministrations having been working hard for the last four weeks since I saw him last.   Afterwards I felt so much better that I took a quick stroll around my local park to look up some old friends.

My Local Park

One of the great things about my local park is of course the wild life, I'm sure that there are lots of parks in London with some interesting fauna, but non that quite match these guys.

Although I now feel great having had all my joints and muscles suitably stretched and pummeled I am very worried about my daughter, she is still upset after breaking up with her first boyfriend, and now she is eating very little, and my wife is worried that she may be self harming.   I don't seem to be able to talk to her about it, as she will just shun any attempts I make.   We will be together all weekend so maybe I will be able to make some progress then.   At least her special friend is now home from a trip to France hopefully she will cheer her up a bit and bring her back to a more stable place.

Solid Foundations

My latest purchase

Well the spray on elastoplast didn't work out too well, it certainly helped position the pads and held them for a while, but not very securely, I shall just have to work with what I have available.   I will admit that at least part of my experimentation is inspired by my latest purchase.   I bought this on e-bay, and have yet to try it on as it has been delivered to my friend P's house.   But I am aware that it should be worn with stockings and so there will be little security for my hip and thigh pads, and I am not at all sure how much security it will offer for my breast forms.

I try to tell myself that I bought this to help present a more womanly profile, but lets be honest I bought it because it looks like fun!   I love a bit of flummery and here we have lace, bows, ribbon, everything that is not needed but adds to the joy of getting dressed.   Given that I don't actually need foundation garments of any type, if I choose to wear them then there is no reason why they should be from the "practical" end of the spectrum.   Even if it ends up being just another bit of cheap tat from e-bay I shall still have had my money's worth with the joy of anticipation.   I spoke with P today on the phone so I know it has arrived, but rather than make a date to go down and see her, we have left it up to the weather.   When there is a day of rain and I can't work I shall take a little trip involving lunch and the collection of my parcel.   For once I am actually hoping for rain.

This Saturday my support group meets and if at all practical it would be nice to wear my new foundations.   I don't yet know what else I shall be wearing, again to a great extent that depends on the weather, and the venue.   We are now meeting in a local pub, the staff and other customers have so far been quite friendly and welcoming, so I wouldn't want to be the one going so far OTT as to put them off, so the cocktail dresses will be staying in their case for a while, it's just that I find I don't have much between relatively boring jeans, too formal suits and dresses and the posh frocks.   I need to be creative with what I have rather than go out and spend more money.   If everything works out well, I will be able to ask P for some advice before I go out on Saturday.   Evil thought just crossed my mind, would this be too much for my next osteopaths appointment?

Jubilee

Most of the weekend so far has been taken up with Jubilee Celebration, Sunday I was playing with a concert and in West Wickham.   It was quite a big event going on all weekend, but the band I was with were just there on Sunday.   Attendance was a little disappointing but that was down to the weather.   Fortunately the band were inside so we stayed (mostly) dry apart from a few drips.   I ended up playing tenor sax parts on a borrowed euphonium, so not the most satisfying musical experience I have had, but it was nice to meet up with some old friends and have a relaxed chat over a beer afterwards.

Out of sheer devilry when I gt dressed for this gig I decided to wear stockings under my trousers, a pair of nice moleskin finish side zipped semi formal back trousers.   Although I don't think anyone else was aware I was very conscious that a/ one of the rear fasteners broke and was undone for most of the afternoon, and b/ the front fasteners showed through the thin material of the trousers quite clearly. - oops.

Yesterday the Brass Band played at my local park, as the conductor and contact with the organisers I thought I had better behave myself, we all had a nice enjoyable day and manged to avoid any rain, quite an achievement this weekend.   Today I am back to work, I know it is a Bank Holiday, but then I'm not a bank.

Women Drivers

After my little coming together with a bus, I mean a bus, a blooming great big double decker bright red London bus ~ how can you not see a bus ~ any way after y little whoopsy Joe commented that I was driving like a woman.   Well I think I was driving like this one.

Well I actually have most of today off, with nothing to do apart from all the housework, cooking and laundry, other than that I will be on the sound desk for this evenings service, then it all starts again tomorrow.

Monday's are rarely my finest moments, but tomorrow I have to make a trip to the dump (trade waste ~ job), then take my daughter to the Orthodontist, then to school.   After that I come home pick up the van and try to fit in a day's work before returning home getting changed going to the Osteopath then driving down to Rochester for a 6:30 meeting.   My last Boss was a man who had his fingers in many pies, one day I asked him how he managed to juggle all his different activities, he just shrugged and said "Sometimes I drop a ball". I think that's what happened to me on Thursday, I dropped a ball.   I just can't afford to drop any more.

You will know I have been teasing my Osteopath (or myself one or the other) on my last few trip, I am wondering whether I should hold back a little, at the moment my legs are nicely shaved and I do have a very nice dark cherry polish on my toes nails, I could just carry on as I was with some nice panties, or I could step up the campaign with some pantyhose, and/or side fastening trousers...........

More trouble

It's great isn't it, just when I thought I was making a bit of progress something had to go wrong.   I had a full week planed this week, with the long bank holiday weekend coming up I wanted to make sure that I was on top of the work load, and of course earning some money.   Unfortunately it seems that it is just not to be.   The van was very reluctant to start this morning (Monday), and then after it did start I had only driven a little way towards my first job when it cut out died and refused to start again.

As I was pretty close to home, I walked down to the garage where I have my servicing and MOTs done they would have to have the van taken in to them, and they couldn't look at it until after Easter.   My mobile mechanic friend (who looks after the car) can't look at it until Thursday and my other friend with a mechanical bent recons it could be too difficult a job for him.   Eventually I called out the AA who diagnosed fuel starvation probably caused by a malfunctioning fuel pump.   I have had the van towed home and just hope that it is something that my friend can fix on Thursday, and that I won't lose too much work, or shell out too much on repairs.   On the other hand I am not hopeful.   It is such a shame that I couldn't keep Gloria, I'm sure that she wouldn't have given me these problems.

In the mean time I shall be using this week to catch up on designs, quotes and data entry jobs.   Tomorrow I shall do what I can cutting back a giant laurel, not least because I want to spend some time with S to see her reaction to the news I gave her on Sunday.   As I will only have the Polo this will very much limit the equipment I can carry and the waste I can take away.

On Wednesday I have scheduled an appointment with the optician for an eye test and to choose some new glasses.   I currently intend to get two pairs one fairly androgynous and one maybe a little more overtly feminine.   I'm not sure yet whether it will be Paula or Paul who will go for the eye test.   Wednesday late afternoon I have a trip to the osteopath.

I have been teasing him (or maybe me) on my last couple of visits with my choice of underwear.   This week I will be upping my game a little, I am remaining nice and cleanly shaved, also I will be wearing an obvious pair of high leg panties, and while I have cleaned off the dark cherry polish from my toe nails, I have replaced it with a nice subtle pearlescent pink.   I wonder if he will notice (I don't see how he could miss it) and what, if anything he will say.

Gold!

On Sunday my community wind band played at the finals of the National Concert Band Festival at the Royal Academy of Music in London.   For us this was relatively local only having to come from Croydon, some bands had travelled from as far as Glasgow to play.   Each band plays a short program, this is then adjudicated against a set of criteria and then given the appropriate award ~ everyone is always at great pains to make it clear that this is a festival not a competition.   We got a gold award, all the other bands received silver awards, but it is a festival not a competition so we cannot say that we won!

Having said that we certainly celebrated a win in the traditional band style, i.e. a fair amount of beer and lots of good natured conversation, if I have to have a day out in drab this is my type of day out.   Of course I know you are all interested in all aspects of my life and unless you were in one of the other bands you will be happy at our success, I also know that you are probably more interested in the trans aspects of my life, how I deal with it and what I wear.   Well Sunday was a big day for Paula as well, firstly I was not totally in drab, as has become my norm of late I was wearing panties and tights under my trousers, and the trousers were not the usual black dress trousers but my new(ish) moleskin trousers with a side zip.   While I don't think anyone noticed the side zip one of my GG friends did comment on the moleskin effect, I'm not really sure if she was aware or not that they were girl's trousers.

Towards the end of the afternoon I found that I was alone with S. the lady who works with me as well playing in a couple of the same bands.   As we spend so much time together we have become quite close (in a purely fraternal way) and I have been thinking of coming out to her for some time.   Since we were alone, in a social environment, feeling relaxed and quite pleased with ourselves I took the plunge.   Actually coming up with the words was as hard as the decision, but I was really pleased that she just took the news in her stride, a little surprised but not judgemental in any way.   We carried on chatting on for a bit longer before leaving for our homes.   Just how well she has taken the news, and if it will effect our relationship in any way will start to show tomorrow when we will next we working together.

Final admission for the record I had drunk maybe a little more beer than was good for me, fell asleep on the train and woke up at a small station the next train back being nearly an hour later.   I was desperate for a pee and there were no facilities available, for the only time so far I was beginning to regret that side zip......

Nailed down

Although I have been very busy of late and have no had a chance to be fully dressed, I have been indulging myself in a little under-dressing at times, and have kept my toe nails nicely polished; they are now getting a little long and will need some attention before long, the question is just a trim or a change of colour as well?


I have also been able to do a little shopping and have now managed a couple of pairs of (clip on) earrings and a couple of necklaces, I still  want at least one ring, maybe I will be able to pop into Matalan this afternoon (Saturday) after quoting for another job.   Although there is much that I am dissappointed to have lost it is my boobs that are the most difficult to replace.   My wife has more or less put a ban on mail order so I am at a bit of a loss, I can only think that I will have to have them delivered care of someone else but that will involve a lot of explanations.  hmmmmmm

On my mind

Stana Halloween 2004

There are a number of things on my mind at the moment, as I may have hinted yesterday family comes first, and last but in between there are quite a other few things, like.

• Have we got too many Grand prix scheduled for 2012?
• Who is going to be selected for the England Rugby squad?
• Will the cat carry on getting better?
• How am I going to find time to do more tuba practise?
• How am I going to fix that chain saw?

For some reasons things that aren't on my mind

• When will Paula get out next
• Are the heels on my boots too high to wear with that grey dress during the daytime?
• Shall I wear male or femae underwear today?

and until I wrote tomorrow's post I had absolutely no thoughts whatsoever about Bunny costumes.

Je suis un Rock Star!

I may have mentioned that I'm a musician - yeh like I may have mentioned I'm a cross dresser! well, anyway the point is that on Monday night I had  rehearsal with one of the London Orchestras I play with. Because of their programme choices this is he first time I have played with them for nearly a year.   During the interval the conductor came over to greet me, and thank me for coming, he then made the rather interesting comment "Wow, you look like a rock star"   I'm still not sure how to take this, Will is quite a bit younger than me so maybe his idea of a rock start is different to mine.

It may have been a reference to the way I was dressed, my snug fitting ladies jeans, a floral shirt and ladies denim jacket, or it may have been a comment on the length of my hair, or maybe it was that somehow I was showing that I felt confident in how I looked as a presentation of myself.   I like my long hair, although I am overdue a trim, I like the way I look when I wear this denim combination with a nice casual shirt, I am happy with my skin since I have been using a moisturiser.   In fact I think I am a much better looking bloke since I have started to come to terms with being a woman sometimes.

The next night (Tuesday) we had our Concert in St John's Smith Square, the dress code was DJs so I limited myself to a pair of black sheer tights under my Dorothy Perkins trousers, (matching black panties of course).   I still hope on day to combine my two passions and be able to play a concert as Paula.

It's Getting Cold

The last couple of mornings we have had a frost, and it is definitely getting colder, and this morning quite windy.   No surprises there really after all it is December, but for those of us who work outdoors it does mean putting on some extra layers.    These extra layers include long underwear, personally I favour wearing tights under my working trousers, I find they are warmer and more comfortable than traditional "Long Johns" as well as being a lot cheaper to buy.   O course I like to wear tights at any time, but at this time of year I don't have to worry about concealing the fact, and my wife will wash them for as well.

I am getting low on "sanctioned" tights I have a couple of pairs of brown ones and a pair of grey cable cotton ones.   I try to get a type / colour that is different to what my daughter or wife wear so that they don't get confused in the wash.

I noticed that Lidl have an offer starting Thursday on tights, as well as Sateen Pyjamas and various other things that could interest me.   I quite like Lidl's 8 year old Scotch, I think that tomorrow my shopping basket may contain a few other things as well.

Another Busy Weekend

Well a potentially busy Saturday anyway.   I have a concert in the evening, the band is playing a fund raiser near Crawley in Sussex, at the same time my Support Group is having a Christmas dinner in Croydon.   While I know that I must miss the dinner to play the concert I am hoping to be able to get back to Croydon in time for a coffee with the girls after their meal.
Also on Saturday there is a new T friendly store opening near by in Streatham.   At the moment I have little idea of what this will be like, but since they are planing a "Grand Opening" on Saturday I would like to pop in and see for myself, never know who I might meet, or what I might see.   I am hoping that they might have some hip and bum pads or padded panties so I can fill out those jeans a little better.

On a different note - I have been complaining about my bad back, well earlier today (Wednesday) I bumped into a friend who amongst other things operates a Natural Health Clinic, I went into the clinic with him where he offered to diagnose the source of the problem, excellent.   This involved using a machine that sends pulses of magnetic energy through the body - or something like that - the outcome was that he found I had lots of muscle damage and a sprain, the machine is also the treatment, and I feel a lot better now, and even managed to do some work this afternoon.

Like I said - Obvious

For the machine to work I had wrist bands attached, and had to put my feet on some pads, so I had to take off my shoes.   This was a potential problem, but I decided to go ahead anyway, the problem, once I had taken off my shoes it would be quite obvious that I was wearing tights and that my toe nails had scarlet polish on them.   Of course he noticed and at first didn't say anything, I couldn't believe that I was going to get away it, and I was right.   After making us both a coffee he asked the obvious question, so using Megs "No More Stories" rule I admitted "Yes, I am wearing nail polish and tights", why, "the tights for comfort and warmth the nail polish just for fun" I then went on to admit that I do sometimes cross dress, and ask that for the sake of my wife the information be kept in confidence.   In all he was pretty cool with the whole thing, a little surprised perhaps, but very understanding.

That is now a couple of times I have been r very nearly have been tumbled, I shall either have to come right out or start being a bit more cautious, and since my wife would simply not handle my cross dressing being public knowledge I will have to be more cautious.

Busy weekend and a close shave

Where I can I like to prepare these posts a bit in advance; I am typing this on Monday morning.   I have a back ache so I can't get on with any outdoor work, but fortunately I do have some paperwork to catch up on, so I am still gainfully employed, I think I shall have to avoid any heavy work again tomorrow (Tuesday) but hope to be back at work by Wednesday.

The dinner we played for was on Saturday night yesterday (Sunday) I had to play with another band at a festival.  

Most of us travelled up together and go changed at the venue.   Without really thinking about it I put on what has become my usual casual dress recently.   This means panties tights, ladies jeans, a soft cotton pattered shirt ad ladies denim jacket.   I packed my lunch and a change of clothes, a black shirt black shoes and the trousers I had worn on Saturday.   It was only when it came time to get changed that I realised that my toe nails were crimson and I was wear sheer black tights - woops.   I realised that I might be better of using the Gents to get changed than staying in the communal changing room, I gathered up my trousers and shirt and made for the Gents.   When I got there there were a fair few people in there, rather than appear unusually shy I decided to rinse my  hands and face for a while, as the room cleared,   As I finished changing my shirt exposing my extremely hairless chest the room had cleared so I decided on a quick change I had just managed to get my jeans off (they are quite a snug fit) when our band secretary walked in, there I was showing that I was wear panties (not too pretty but undeniably panties) and tights, a second glance would also have noticed my Crimson toe nails as I had to take off my shoes to get my jeans off.   He just said "Don't worry it's only me" as he walked in chatting away straight past me and carried on with what he had come in to do.

I quickly got my trousers and shoes on and made my exit, no comment was made, and I firmly believe that had he noticed some comment at least would have been passed.   I find it hard to believe that someone I have known for nearly 40 years walked straight past me in those circumstances and didn't notice anything, but that is exactly what appears to have happened.

After that performing was a breeze, oh yes and my band got a Gold award, we are waiting to hear if we will be playing at the finals, which this year are being held at the Royal Academy of Music in London

Stealth Mode

The other day I mentioned that Gloria was going to have to find a new home, well I still have Gloria but yesterday I picked up her successor.   Nothing special in that you may say, but.....
As I had to travel over to Harrow to pick up the new van I decided to make the journey worthwhile and the time well spent, for me this meant that I travelled semi dressed, or what you might call stealth mode.   I had sheer hosiery under my ladies jeans, a new pair of ballet style pumps with a small but undeniable heel.   I also had eye makeup, lip gloss, my "pearl" rope and a well padded bra with boobs!    I had a quite large man's burgundy cord shirt and a ladies denim jacket, as the jacket has no usable pockets I carried what needed to be carried in a white cotton shoulder bag.   Although I was not aware of attracting any great attention, my choice in footwear did get a few glances.

My choice in fotwear

After collecting the van I added foundation, powder, etc to my make up and put on the rest of my jewelry and wig.   This all felt a little weird as I was wearing flats and jeans, but was no longer in stealth mode.   Well I stopped off a large Tesco in Wembley to pick up a few supplies, when I had gathered my purchases and was looking around for the shortest checkout queue a very helpful young male assistant directed me "The basket checkouts are at the other end, Madame"   I was so thrilled at being called Madame at that point I could have hugged him.   I am sure that had he known he would be pleased that I restrained myself.

This tells me that to pass or at least be accepted I don't need to glam up, a few serious clues are sufficient.   I had been feeling a little unsure of myself, did I look like a woman, or bloke wearing makeup, that "Madame" was so reassuring, I found a whole new spring in my step afterwards.   I am now wondering how little makeup I can get away with wearing, is less more? it should certainly be more comfortable, and maybe less obvious

Risks

Following on from my last post, I except that there are risks of being found out, of being read, and recognised, every time I go out.   Perversely I suspect that part of the excitement is in the risk.   I also think that there is a very strong desire to be out, to be recognised for what, for who I am.    However I am not at all sure that this is the best way of coming out.   There is and should be a difference between being found out and coming out.   With my wife I was found out and it has been very difficult for us to reconcile my cross dressing with the rest of our relationship.   With a relationship that is less well grounded I can understand how this sort of thing can be the end of the relationship.

Now I do know that I like to push at the boundaries of gender appropriate clothing, this evening I attended a band rehearsal wearing sheer tights under ladies jeans (no socks) a floral man's shirt and a ladies denim jacket.   If challenged I have told myself I would say that yes I am a cross dresser, but would I follow through, would I have the moral courage to admit who and what I am? I simply do not know.

I have a GG friend who plays in a couple of bands with me, she is generally quite liberal in attitude, and also works with me one or two days a week during the busy growing season, I am determined that she should know about Paula, but to quote Captain Jack Sparrow, I have been "waiting for the opportune moment".   I think I need to take my courage in both hand and create that opportune moment.

Wedensday

Yesterday (Wednesday, sometime I manage to write these posts in advance, other times I am desperately trying to keep up.) I couldn't work much due to the weather, and I quite simply didn't fancy it much anyway.   Once it became clear that I would have all day free, I called a friend (I'll call him G) I had been meaning to see for a few months.   As he does shift work he was free so we met up in the afternoon.   Although G knows of Paula, and indeed has seen me dressed I did not think it would be appropriate to go to his home dressed, and there wasn't time to do much before getting there.

That having been said it seemed like too much of an opportunity to let it go, so I was under-dressed, with just a pair of jeans and a (ladies) polo neck with a (ladies) denim jacket.   I had to pick up some supplies on the way but had a limited of time before the arranged meeting time, so I did something I have not done for some time, a half way.   I put on eye makeup but left it at that and put on a pair of high heel ankle boots.   This makes for a quite fem presentation, while doing nothing about covering my beard growth, (Not much as I had a close shave with a new blade in the morning) boobs or hair.   I didn't think I attracted any undue attention as I walked round, certainly no comments.  I  engaged in conversation with another customer, and spent a while chatting with staff.   After that it was time  to get over to G's, so I changed back into some non committal shoes, and got over there.

I was of course totally aware of what I was wearing but I had forgotten that I still had my eye makeup on.   The eye shadow was fairly subtle but I was also using mascara so anyone looking would be able to see.   Also since I was not wearing socks, just some fairly sheer black tights again if looked at obvious. Now G did not say anything, even when I commented on my on line friends and our "shared interest" I am not sure whether that means he does not want to talk about the subject, did not realise or was just more interested in the main thrust of our conversations.

G is my longest standing friend and I know he would support me whatever, but I also know that he may find my dressing awkward.   I hope not as apart from our long and close friendship he is also an excellent keen amateur photographer.......................

The year turns on

Yesterday was noticeably colder than it has been, now I am sure that most people will have noticed a drop in air temperature, but I was very struck by the drop in soil temperature.   Now I know that not many people spend a lot of time with their hands in the soil, but as a professional gardener that is exactly what I do.

To me this means a few different things, as a gardener I think that the year has turned and we have today entered the next season, call it Autumn or Fall, it is here now, the summer bedding will come out and be replaced with violas and bare soil, leaves will be swept, and grass will stop growing.   The hours available for work reduce, and the amount of work available declines.   Personally it means that it is colder, as I work outside I keep warm by wearing lots of layers. that means a tee shirt, a cord shirt, then a sweater and if needed a fleece, lower down  I wear my tights under my trousers for work.   Now I will admit I quite like this, it is a sanctioned way of underdressing as well as keeping warm.   At one point last year my wife accused me of enjoying wearing the tights, and then went on to say that she didn't like the feel of tights underneath trousers, I was very tempted to say "then maybe I should start wearing skirts more often" but discretion saved me that day.

The other thing with shorter days and less work to fill them, there are more opportunities to cross dress.   The Royal Academy have a Degas exhibition on at the moment, I think that may well be my next major outing next month.