Long and rambling reflections

Just another middle aged woman

Although I now live my life simply as just another middle aged, middle class woman I still occasionally read a few cross dresser blogs, it keeps me grounded in my past, just as I keep a little plastic model dustman on my desk to remind me that my life has not always been as comfortable as it is now. A couple of recent posts on Femulate have had me pondering on the difference between trans women and cross dressers, what it is that that separates those who are happy to have an occasional outlet from those of us who need to transition? For decades I identified as a cross dresser, indeed I might well even have described myself as a "plain vanilla cross dresser". Ever since I first heard about anyone transitioning (probably April Ashley ) or much later when BBC aired the series "A Change of Sex" my attitude was very much along the lines of "Well, that's alright for them, but it's not for the likes of me" a feeling that somehow I would be excluded, that transition just wasn't possible for me. Somehow along with the general aura of societal disapproval I had an idea that since I wasn't gay, and was a "big lad" I was condemned to live my life in the gender assigned at birth. My outlet was to cross dress.

A Typical Cross Dresser

I struggle to remember a time before, but I probably started cross dressing in small ways when I was around 10/11, but until I was in my late forties it was always my "dirty little secret", again the messages I was getting from all over were always of vague general disapproval, and how could I reconcile my desire to be feminine with my joy in playing rugby, riding motorbikes and what could only be described as a healthy interest in women! 

It wasn't until I was around fifty that I actually started to go out at all.

Now I find reading the blogs from cross dressers very interesting, mostly they seem very contented with their lot, they enjoy their time out, relieve the stress of modern male life, enjoy the clothes, the attention (or lack of it), have a very pleasant time, then go home and get changed. Indeed it was reading here about how others feel after an outing that has prompted this post! Those who commented all agreed that afterwards they felt better, relaxed, and would be feeling positive and looking forward to their next outing.  This is very interesting, and I feel in some ways shows the difference between cross dressers and those of us who transition, While I remember the elation of being out and of experiencing the World as a woman, and indeed having the World experience me as a woman my feelings when I had to go back to DRAB were very different. I was always sad afterwards, I used to talk about "putting Paula back in her box" but the overwhelming emotion was one of bereavement. Not so much looking forward to the next opportunity to dress up and go out as much as mourning that these were only ever snatched moments.

I have often reflected on my need for the World to experience me as a woman, the acceptance, the vindication, the affirmation, I have also often reflected on how I experienced the World as a Woman, and indeed how these both changed after I went "Full Time", I have rarely reflected on how I felt afterwards, yet I think it was the sadness, the feeling of loss, of bereavement that finally convinced me that I needed to "go fulltime" ~ to transition. I sincerely believe that my decisions were right, even though in the process I did hurt and confuse the people I most loved, I have not experienced that sense of deep personal loss about myself since, and frankly I believe that if I had continued as I was that feeling would have become unendurable. 

There is an old joke that comes around every now and then "What's the difference between a cross dresser and a transsexual?" ~ "About three years" on reflection I think maybe it is that for some of us cross dressing is a relief, an occasional outlet or expression of our femininity, for others it is a vital stepping stone towards a new life.