Just another middle aged woman |
A Typical Cross Dresser |
It wasn't until I was around fifty that I actually started to go out at all.
Now I find reading the blogs from cross dressers very interesting, mostly they seem very contented with their lot, they enjoy their time out, relieve the stress of modern male life, enjoy the clothes, the attention (or lack of it), have a very pleasant time, then go home and get changed. Indeed it was reading here about how others feel after an outing that has prompted this post! Those who commented all agreed that afterwards they felt better, relaxed, and would be feeling positive and looking forward to their next outing. This is very interesting, and I feel in some ways shows the difference between cross dressers and those of us who transition, While I remember the elation of being out and of experiencing the World as a woman, and indeed having the World experience me as a woman my feelings when I had to go back to DRAB were very different. I was always sad afterwards, I used to talk about "putting Paula back in her box" but the overwhelming emotion was one of bereavement. Not so much looking forward to the next opportunity to dress up and go out as much as mourning that these were only ever snatched moments.
I have often reflected on my need for the World to experience me as a woman, the acceptance, the vindication, the affirmation, I have also often reflected on how I experienced the World as a Woman, and indeed how these both changed after I went "Full Time", I have rarely reflected on how I felt afterwards, yet I think it was the sadness, the feeling of loss, of bereavement that finally convinced me that I needed to "go fulltime" ~ to transition. I sincerely believe that my decisions were right, even though in the process I did hurt and confuse the people I most loved, I have not experienced that sense of deep personal loss about myself since, and frankly I believe that if I had continued as I was that feeling would have become unendurable.
There is an old joke that comes around every now and then "What's the difference between a cross dresser and a transsexual?" ~ "About three years" on reflection I think maybe it is that for some of us cross dressing is a relief, an occasional outlet or expression of our femininity, for others it is a vital stepping stone towards a new life.
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