I'm a Tuba Player, you know?

The tuba has always been a but for jokes, the size, unwieldiness and sound just lends itself to humour. When I first said at school that I wanted to play the tuba the teachers thought I was having a joke, and tried to dissuade me, but I had already fallen in love, with the sound and the look of it!

By now I've sort of got used to being asked if I wished I'd taken up the flute, and people observing that it is a big trumpet, it never ceases to amaze me that people think they're original!

But, as a player of this finest of all instruments I feel some justification in telling tuba jokes, so here are a few of my favorites.

What do you say to a tuba player with a job? ~ Big Mac and fries please

How many tuba players does it take to replace a light bulb? ~ Three, one to hold the bulb, two to drink till the room revolves

How do you fix a broken tuba? ~ with a tuba glue

"Did you hear my last tuba recital?" ~ "I hope so!"

How many tuba players does it take to replace a light bulb? ~ None, we don't go that high

A school boy decides he wants to play tuba and his parents find a private teacher who hosts hour-long lessons at his house. The first day, after the lesson, he tells his parents "I learned how to play the note Bb today!". The second day, the same thing happens but the boy had learned to play an F. The third day he doesn't come home. The parents wait until an hour after he was supposed to be back and call the teacher, asking where the kid is. The teacher replies "He's at his first gig".

Two tuba players sitting in a car, Who's driving? ~ the policeman!

Definition of an optimist ~ A tuba player with a mortgage

And finally my all time favourite, a friend (and fellow tuba player) was conducting his final concert with a band just after my transition, he had asked me in to dep on tuba. To fill in a little time he asked the audience;~

"How many tuba players does it take to replace a light bulb?" ~ "None, real men aren't afraid of the dark!"

He turned back to the band to be greeted by a sea of open mouthed incredulity, he couldn't work out why "What?"